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On the unpaid emotional labor of dating men · Conversations with My Walls

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: What if you stopped decorating your life with all the wrong stuff?
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Morgan, and this is Conversations with My Walls.
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_00: Let's get into it.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_00: As a society,
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_00: we talk a lot about the economy.
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_00: The different shapes of the economy.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_00: K economy.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_00: G economy apparently is the latest thing.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_00: But we don't talk about the relationship economy,
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_00: and I want to make that more of a thing.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: I'm working on an art series right now that features things I've said to each of my exes.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_00: And let me tell you, the research I did looking back through texts was sobering.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: The way I did this is hard to reconcile because I genuinely meant every word.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_00: I believe in people that much, but also didn't get compensated in kind in return.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_00: What I mean by that was, did any of them do that for me?
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_00: The magic of women is our ability to care,
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_00: but we get tangled in this servitude of being the nurturer.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_00: It backfires,
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_00: it sets up expectations.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: When our modern world doesn't expect us to June Cleaver the heck out of dinner
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_00: for our man, it still expects us to lighten his load in other ways.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_00: Whether it's listening to his problems, doing work for him, organizing, obliging, etc.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_00: And yes, sex is included in this.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_00: With a struggle, after doing all of that, to get that reciprocity.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_00: I've gone so far as to lay my Love Languages out on the table
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_00: and still not get my Acts of Service or Words of Affirmation consistently met.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_00: In fact,
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_00: in my last relationship,
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_00: the one I cherished so deeply and therefore was hurt by the most,
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_00: fell apart right after I leaned on him.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_00: He said it had nothing to do with me, and while true, it was a cause and effect.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_00: It's hard not to connect the two,
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_00: as what I asked for exceeded his willingness to invest in me like I had invested
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_00: in him.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_00: Opening up like that to someone is something that's challenging enough
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_00: as my personality is that meme where the guy is moving the sofa with the sole help
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_00: of an office chair at the other end.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_00: This is an emotional currency we're not getting, but the men sure are.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_00: The investment is tucked in their stocks that they can take wherever they want,
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_00: reaping the rewards of our presence and giving less accountability than they expect
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_00: to receive.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_00: The emotional capacity women have is larger,
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_00: yet the men refuse to open up about their limits out of fear, ego,
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_00: pressure, and choose to project this onto their partners rather than be vulnerable.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_00: So many problems in the world would be solved if men would be more vulnerable.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_00: Vulnerable with truths,
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_00: compliments,
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_00: shortcomings, blocks,
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_00: limiting beliefs, fears, inadequacies, imagined deficits, real deficits, love.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_00: Instead they fight it to the point of choosing the hurt hero archetype.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_00: The parallels to men's psyche and comic books are shocking.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_00: It continues this trope of women's unpaid labor by making savior complexes look like
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_00: the antidote.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_00: But it's just another ego boost.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_00: Women being the pawn to get their ticker tape parade.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_00: I think it was Cazzie David who introduced the concept
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_00: that every man can be described by a main superhero,
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_00: either Batman, Spider-Man, or Superman, and a sport.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_00: I think Pedro Pascal was Superman plus yoga.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_00: Benedict Cumberbatch, Batman plus chess.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_00: And my favorite, Glenn Powell, Superman plus pogo stick.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_00: Superheroes aren't known for sharing their feelings, and that keeps the problem alive.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_00: We're more often than not their cat stuck in the tree, their trophy, or their girl Friday.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_00: Not every woman is an overgiver.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_00: Nothing is wrong with any of us who are,
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_00: because we have that in us already to excuse ourselves
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_00: from this hellish unpaid internship model, often described as love.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_00: That is easier said than done.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes we go into actual debt,
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_00: whether emotional and or monetary,
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_00: because there's also the debt of missing out on filling our own cup.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_00: Whether our focus on our partner
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_00: and relationship subconsciously takes our energy away from our own endeavors.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_00: Or if they're actively postponed in the comfort of the relationship and the belief
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_00: in it.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_00: Because that is a pure intent that sometimes comes back to bite us.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_00: And for me, it's been a mix of both.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_00: The resentment being the only commodity I'm left holding.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_00: As the empty promises are as tangible as holographic sand slipping through my fingers.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_00: It's the tradwifery of it all.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_00: The domestication of the absolute boss babes out there.
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_00: I know, a cringe phrase, but the energy still lives on.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_00: Even when I was in a relationship I thought was a true equal partnership,
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_00: I ended up learning he secretly wanted to be a quote-unquote kept man like
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_00: the stay-at-home dads on Secret Lives of Mormon Wives.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_00: Even with that wish, there was no support for me to build my empire to be the breadwinner.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_00: I still had to do everything, work, housework, while he played video games.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_00: Even the project we were collaborating on fell apart.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_00: And it still hurts to this day because it wasn't the first it's happened to a woman
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_00: and it is not the last.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_00: I feel the pain of the universal complex of this.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_00: This is where a rousing chorus of We're Not Gonna Take It would be so fitting
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_00: to play right now.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_00: I'm still haunted by the Donna Reed episode of Gilmore Girls
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_00: where Rory dresses up like Donna Reed and fixes an entire made-from-scratch meal
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_00: for her boyfriend Dean.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_00: It was the definitive early proof that Dean was the worst.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_00: Using women whether consciously or subconsciously is the cowardly way.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_00: It takes strength for men to question the status quo that's handed down from man
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_00: to man and break the chain.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_00: So that their generational pain isn't hoarded
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_00: and expressed in a false act of bravery to admit it yet do nothing about it.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_00: It makes a hurt people hurt people cycle that even extends to hurt people use people.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_00: And it's the women these men love the most who are caught in the web
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_00: of proximity breeding convenience.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_00: Convenience to cater, serve, and in a whole other ruthless act to be led on in a relationship.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't stop at unpaid relational labor because it extends to manipulation in some scenarios.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_00: So take this classic quote and as Missy Elliott said, flip it and reverse it.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_00: Ask what your country can do for you.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_00: Do not ask what you can do for your country.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_00: Don't accept anything less than feet kissing
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_00: and balance smashing long-term investment level of emotional commitment and capacity.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_00: Where you don't have to lift a finger to manage everything,
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_00: to manage him,
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_00: to walk on eggshells,
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_00: to be his unpaid therapist,
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_00: to be his unpaid housekeeper, to be his unpaid personal chef.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_00: If the idea of that feels unnatural, it means you're doing it right.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_00: Women need to think somewhat delusionally to counteract the years
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_00: of conditioning telling us to accept crumbs and keep ourselves small
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_00: to make our men happy.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_00: I would have probably done that had I not been broken up with.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_00: Because I found myself
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_00: in this role of feeling like I had to constantly admit the difficulties
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_00: in my struggles, when I otherwise wouldn't have just to help him feel safe.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_00: While yes,
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_00: this can be healthy disclosure,
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_00: I think I would have transformed it into a negative pattern.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_00: A projection of "I can't be doing well" because that will make him uncomfortable.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_00: So being extra delusional is a reminder all of us women need.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_00: In the vein of approaching the work world with the confidence of
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_00: a privileged, entitled cis-het white man,
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_00: it levels the field so that we can be in strong belief in ourselves and our worth.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_00: That we can actually cash in on the love we give by way of receiving it, without
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_00: the debt of depleting ourselves in the name of love.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_00: The richest thing that we can do is fill our own cup
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_00: so so much of that overflows.
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_00: And the men in your life gets your interest of the overflow.
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_00: Never the principle of your reserve.
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_00: And you get the same in return.
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_00: It's mutual funds in the truest sense of the word.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_00: If this sparks something in you, make sure you're subscribed so you never miss an episode.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_00: As this series continues, you won't want to miss a beat.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_00: And if you're ready to bring more conversations into your life,
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_00: you can explore my latest art prints at morganlindsaynelson.com.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_00: And in between then, take care of your space and conversations, both inside and out.