Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #496 I'll Do Better Tomorrow

Transcript

#496 I'll Do Better Tomorrow · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:03
  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast.
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  Speaker 2: It's the podcast for the time poor parent who just
• 0:09
  Speaker 2: wants answers. Now. It's so amazing to me that kids
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  Speaker 2: who have such a strong desire for independence still crave closeness.
• 0:19
  Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah.
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  Speaker 2: In our downsize we've listened because there's only three bedrooms
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  Speaker 2: and they're close together. And now here's the stars of
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  Speaker 2: our show, My mom and Dad.
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  Speaker 1: It's Friday. We love Fridays. Hello.
• 0:32
  Speaker 3: This is doctor Justin Coilson, the author of six books
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  Speaker 3: about making families happier, and the parenting expert and co
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  Speaker 3: host of channel Lines Parental Guidance Season two back a
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  Speaker 3: little later this year.
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  Speaker 1: Very excited about that.
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  Speaker 3: I'm here with Kylie, my wife, podcast pro partner and
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  Speaker 3: mom to our six kids, and Kylie today as we
• 0:51
  Speaker 3: do every single Friday.
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  Speaker 1: It's all do Better Tomorrow.
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  Speaker 3: Where we're recording this podcast from yet another airbnb.
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  Speaker 1: Last week we moved out of our house.
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  Speaker 3: The furniture van took all of our gear away, and
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  Speaker 3: we're kind of living out of suitcases and living from
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  Speaker 3: one airbnb to the next until we finally move into
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  Speaker 3: our new.
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  Speaker 1: House on the coast.
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  Speaker 3: It's been a five month saga and I'll do better
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  Speaker 3: tomorrow is about how we navigate the sagas and the
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  Speaker 3: challenges and the adversities of life.
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  Speaker 1: Whether you're moving.
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  Speaker 3: House or not, you have them, and so we thought
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  Speaker 3: that today we would share some of the latest bits
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  Speaker 3: and pieces that we've learned as we're trying to be
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  Speaker 3: intentional parents and guide our children successfully through the ups
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  Speaker 3: and downs of life.
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  Speaker 1: Kylie, why don't you go first today?
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  Speaker 2: Well, my story is all the little bit messy. I'm
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  Speaker 2: not going to profess to having done a perfect job
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  Speaker 2: at this, but it's real life. Yeah, we a couple
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  Speaker 2: of weeks ago decided to get the kids kitted out
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  Speaker 2: with some wetsuits. We're going to be living near the
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  Speaker 2: beach and it's starting to get a little bit cooler.
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  Speaker 2: But they're really excited because we're finally going to have
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  Speaker 2: a house and they're really looking forward to learning how
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  Speaker 2: to surf.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, they're into me all the time. I want to
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  Speaker 3: ride that foamy that'll under stand up.
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  Speaker 2: So we went along too the surf shop and we
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  Speaker 2: had been looking for swimmers and you had gone down
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  Speaker 2: to the wetsuit area.
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  Speaker 3: I actually I couldn't help myself. I wanted to buy
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  Speaker 3: a new surfboard, and I had to check them out.
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  Speaker 2: And you may or may not have added to our
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  Speaker 2: shopping list in a significant way, but meantime you did
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  Speaker 2: a little bit of a background check and had worked
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  Speaker 2: out which wetsuits were going to work best for the girls. Well,
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  Speaker 2: by the time I got down there, Miss eleven was
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  Speaker 2: having a meltdown. She was very, very distressed about the
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  Speaker 2: wetsuit that she'd been handed and she pretty much stormed off. Yeah,
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  Speaker 2: and I kind of looked at her and I was like, well,
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  Speaker 2: you know, we're about to buy your wetsuit, but if
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  Speaker 2: you don't want it, that's fine, or if you go
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  Speaker 2: And I've.
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  Speaker 3: Got to be honest, I was pretty impatient as well,
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  Speaker 3: Like We've been in the shop for ages and I've
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  Speaker 3: given her a wetsuit expensive. It was a good wetsuit.
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  Speaker 3: I've been about it, and I knew that I was
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  Speaker 3: picking a good one for her. And when she stormed
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  Speaker 3: off in a half, I was like, I forget it,
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  Speaker 3: she could just go without. I'm not even I'm not
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  Speaker 3: in the headspace for this. I was not one of
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  Speaker 3: my better parenting moments because I just I just shrug
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  Speaker 3: my shoulders and I didn't even bother chasing her.
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  Speaker 2: And the reality is as a parent, when you're doing
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  Speaker 2: everything you can to provide for your children and they
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  Speaker 2: kind of, you know, have these little meltdowns at times,
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  Speaker 2: it can feel like they're just being so ungrateful.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, I felt like she was being entitled.
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  Speaker 3: I was wrong to judge you like that, and I
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  Speaker 3: needed to make it up to it.
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  Speaker 1: But that's how it feels.
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  Speaker 2: So anyway, she sat down and she was, you know,
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  Speaker 2: just in such a bad mood. And I sat there
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  Speaker 2: with her for a few minutes and I just kind
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  Speaker 2: of said to her, Lily, I said, I know it
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  Speaker 2: probably isn't like this, but right now, I said, just
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  Speaker 2: feels like you're being really ungrateful. Dad's worked really hard
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  Speaker 2: to find the right thing for you. And she said
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  Speaker 2: it didn't fit me. And I said, well we could
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  Speaker 2: get another size, and she said, but I don't want
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  Speaker 2: that one. And I'm like, okay, So here we go
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  Speaker 2: with the entitlement and the you know, the ingratitude. And
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  Speaker 2: I sat there for a bit longer and I was
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  Speaker 2: getting a little bit worked up, and I was like, so,
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  Speaker 2: what is it about that wet suit that you don't like?
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  Speaker 2: And she said, because I don't want bright colors, so
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  Speaker 2: you picked her this, what I thought was a really
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  Speaker 2: awesome wet suit. Every piece of it was a different color.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, it was bright, and it was fun.
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  Speaker 2: And as a mum, first of all, looking at my
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  Speaker 2: child out in the middle of the ocean, being able
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  Speaker 2: to spot her amongst the black seals out there, all
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  Speaker 2: the black wetsuits, yeah, I thought that was a really
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  Speaker 2: smart idea. But it was actually a really stylish.
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  Speaker 1: Looking wetsuit, yeah, I thought, so that's why I picked it.
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  Speaker 2: But she felt like she was standing out like a
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  Speaker 2: sore thumb ye, and so she said, and I don't
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  Speaker 2: want one with legs, and I don't want and she
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  Speaker 2: kind of listed all of the things that she wanted,
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  Speaker 2: and I said, Okay, do you think there might be
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  Speaker 2: a better way that you could say that, because right now,
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  Speaker 2: what it feels like, like, I said, you're just being
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  Speaker 2: really ungrateful. So is there another way that you might
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  Speaker 2: be able to tell me what it is that you're
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  Speaker 2: looking for in a wet suit that would leave you
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  Speaker 2: feeling better and me being able and willing to hear you.
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  Speaker 2: And she kind of looked at me and she said,
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  Speaker 2: she said, I said, do you want a wet suit?
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  Speaker 2: She said yes. I said, okay, so we're actually here
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  Speaker 2: trying to acquire a wet suit for you, but because
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  Speaker 2: of your attitude, I think Dad's ready to walk out
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  Speaker 2: the door without getting you one. And she said, I
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  Speaker 2: don't like the legs. I don't want the legs, and
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  Speaker 2: I just want a black one. And I said, okay,
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  Speaker 2: is there anything else? And she said, and I like
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  Speaker 2: long sleeves. And I said okay. So by this stage
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  Speaker 2: you had walked over, and I said, would you like
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  Speaker 2: to have a big person conversation with Dad and let
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  Speaker 2: him know what it is that you just told me?
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  Speaker 2: And she said, Daddy, I didn't like the wet suit
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  Speaker 2: you gave me because I don't want to have those legs.
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  Speaker 2: I just want a swimsuit style one. And I really
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  Speaker 2: would like to have a long arms, and I don't
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  Speaker 2: want it to be bright colors. I just want a
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  Speaker 2: black one. And at that point you went, oh.
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  Speaker 1: Okay, we'll do it.
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  Speaker 2: That's and so we went.
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  Speaker 1: She went along, day you may hit so hard, Kylie.
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  Speaker 1: They make it so hard.
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  Speaker 3: I know I'm the expert. I'm supposed to get this right.
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  Speaker 3: All the time, I was just come on in some
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  Speaker 3: background here as well. I hate shopping, you do.
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  Speaker 2: I hate shopping, But the reality, like I said, it
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  Speaker 2: was messy. I don't profess that we got it right,
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  Speaker 2: but it just took taking a step back because what
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  Speaker 2: we had in front of us looked like an entitled
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  Speaker 2: child who was having a toddler tantrum. But what it
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  Speaker 2: was was it her inability to express what she was
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  Speaker 2: feeling in a more appropriate way. So giving her the
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  Speaker 2: space that she needed to be able to do that
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  Speaker 2: meant that we actually had a very successful trip by
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  Speaker 2: the end of it, and everybody walked out very.
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  Speaker 1: Happy except me. I walked out very poor. But you
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  Speaker 1: know what I love about what you did, Kylie, and
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  Speaker 1: this is beautiful. It's sublime. For anyone who's listening closely
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  Speaker 1: to the story. I hope that you picked up.
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  Speaker 3: What Kylie's done is moved Lily away. Well, Lily walked away,
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  Speaker 3: but Kylie's gone with her and gently sat beside her.
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  Speaker 3: And rather than saying you're being entitled, you're being spoiled,
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  Speaker 3: you can go without, Kylie sat down and said, you're
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  Speaker 3: obviously upset.
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  Speaker 1: I wonder if there's a way.
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  Speaker 3: That you can communicate it so that I can understand,
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  Speaker 3: so I can help you. And this is the whole
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  Speaker 3: purpose of discipline, right when we teach our kids, when
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  Speaker 3: we guide them, we get much better results. And you've
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  Speaker 3: asked these really careful questions, how can we do this?
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  Speaker 3: You didn't tell her, You asked her.
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  Speaker 1: And that was the most masterful part of all of this.
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  Speaker 3: You didn't say you need to do this, you need
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  Speaker 3: to tell me, you need to be grateful, you need
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  Speaker 3: to blah blah blah. You said, what do we need
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  Speaker 3: to do so that how can we what might be better?
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  Speaker 1: Do you know what I mean?
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  Speaker 3: Like, there was a gentle questioning that went through that
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  Speaker 3: interaction that really made it work. I think that it's
• 7:47
  Speaker 3: worth going back and listening again if you listen to
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  Speaker 3: the podcast, go back and listen again to the details
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  Speaker 3: of the conversation Kylie shared, because it's really smart parenting.
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  Speaker 3: After the break, we'll find out Mike will do better
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  Speaker 3: tomorrow and how I can try to be a better dad,
• 8:02
  Speaker 3: especially at nighttime with kids that are needing some assistance.
• 8:11
  Speaker 3: Get curious, not furious. Be we your feeder. Mistakes lead
• 8:16
  Speaker 3: to mastery, high emotions, low intelligence. Have you ever heard
• 8:20
  Speaker 3: these or any of the other principles I share and
• 8:22
  Speaker 3: thought I need to stick that on my wall.
• 8:24
  Speaker 1: Well now you can.
• 8:25
  Speaker 3: The Happy Family seam has pulled out the best justinisms
• 8:28
  Speaker 3: for a five mini posters, perfect for your home or
• 8:31
  Speaker 3: even the classroom, and easy to grab at happy families
• 8:34
  Speaker 3: dot com dot a you.
• 8:35
  Speaker 2: It's the Happy Families Podcast, the podcast for a time
• 8:38
  Speaker 2: poor parent who just wants answers. Now, I'm curious, Justin,
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  Speaker 2: you haven't been around for bed times for a fair
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  Speaker 2: bit of our time.
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  Speaker 1: I know, I know.
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  Speaker 3: So for those of you who are wondering why I
• 8:47
  Speaker 3: haven't been around, I've started traveling again. Plus we're still
• 8:50
  Speaker 3: without a home and I've been up and down the
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  Speaker 3: coast and it's been it's been a little bit challenging
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  Speaker 3: to have really good quality night times with the kids.
• 8:57
  Speaker 3: But Hamish Blake, you know, we talk about me schevery
• 9:00
  Speaker 3: now to get on the podcast. Every so often we'll
• 9:02
  Speaker 3: even play something that he said, and today we're going
• 9:04
  Speaker 3: to do the same thing. Because Hamish Blake, he's not
• 9:06
  Speaker 3: a parenting expert, he's a comedian, but he's becoming my
• 9:09
  Speaker 3: inspiration for dad goals.
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  Speaker 4: They're competitive four and seven and it's like well, like
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  Speaker 4: my daughter, especially if you know, if she hears me
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  Speaker 4: saying to my boy, like, you know, I love you,
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  Speaker 4: you know, with my whole heart, and that's you don't
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  Speaker 4: ever have to do anything to earn that love you
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  Speaker 4: not at nighttime, say the same thing every night. So
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  Speaker 4: I'm like, I love you just because you I love you.
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  Speaker 4: If she's feeling a bit competitive, you know your rollerrzs
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  Speaker 4: and be like, well, then I guess you don't love
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  Speaker 4: me then and here we go, so' be like, you know, rue,
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  Speaker 4: but I love you with my so then you don't
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  Speaker 4: love Sonny Like.
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  Speaker 1: No, I'm having these conversations at home and then.
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  Speaker 4: So you like it forces you to There's like lots
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  Speaker 4: of parentings have like, okay, what do I how do
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  Speaker 4: I explain this to the kids? We're like, I have
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  Speaker 4: Sonny love that only he that's for him because it's
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  Speaker 4: of who he is and no one else can have it.
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  Speaker 4: I've never asked you who you love more out of
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  Speaker 4: But then you're like, and then that's how I try
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  Speaker 4: and explain to me. And I really love that no
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  Speaker 4: one else can have because that's for you, and that's
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  Speaker 4: yours and and and what else I love or who
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  Speaker 4: else I love. They can't ever take away what we
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  Speaker 4: have and it's the same thing. It's the same, but
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  Speaker 4: it's from a you know. That just shows me from
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  Speaker 4: the time you're a baby, that's how human brains work
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  Speaker 4: to be like, Oh, I love the love. I need
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  Speaker 4: this love. I need this connection that we have between
• 10:29
  Speaker 4: each other. And it's a primal fear we have that
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  Speaker 4: if someone if you see it going to someone else,
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  Speaker 4: maybe there's less for me.
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  Speaker 3: I love this excerpt from Hamish's podcast. I love the
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  Speaker 3: way that he's in there with his kids and he's
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  Speaker 3: got this routine with them. He's got these things that
• 10:47
  Speaker 3: he says to them every night, and he's got this
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  Speaker 3: this pattern of engaging with them at bedtime.
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  Speaker 1: I used to do this.
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  Speaker 3: The last three or four months, I've barely been with
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  Speaker 3: the family because of all the ups and downs of
• 10:58
  Speaker 3: the move and the distance and so on. But he's
• 11:01
  Speaker 3: reinspired me and my i'd do better tomorrow is to
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  Speaker 3: be more like that. Back in the day, back before
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  Speaker 3: we went through all the stuff that we're going through.
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  Speaker 3: I used to put the kids into bed, I used
• 11:10
  Speaker 3: to read them a story. I used to sing them three, four,
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  Speaker 3: maybe even five songs. We used to have cuddles and
• 11:15
  Speaker 3: tickles and bouncies on the bed. We used to do
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  Speaker 3: all that sort of stuff, especially when they were little,
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  Speaker 3: But over the last a little while, none of those
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  Speaker 3: things happened. It's more like I open up the door,
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  Speaker 3: say good night, maybe give them a kiss on the forehead,
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  Speaker 3: and walk back out and Hamish Blake, You're my inspiration.
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  Speaker 3: I'm inspired by that. It's just so so good.
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  Speaker 2: It's interesting because we've obviously done this pretty big move
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  Speaker 2: and we've acknowledged a few weeks ago that we've done
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  Speaker 2: a major downsize.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, when we.
• 11:44
  Speaker 2: Left Brisbane and we've been living in this little airbnb.
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  Speaker 2: I sat down with the kids while you were still
• 11:48
  Speaker 2: in Brisbane, you know, working, and I just said to them,
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  Speaker 2: I said, we've lived in a beautiful house and there
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  Speaker 2: are things that we love about it, and there are
• 11:55
  Speaker 2: things that probably didn't work so well for us. I said,
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  Speaker 2: what things would you like to keep if we're, you know,
• 12:02
  Speaker 2: as we're looking for our next home, what things do
• 12:04
  Speaker 2: you want to keep and what things would you change?
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  Speaker 2: Do you know what their number one thing is that
• 12:08
  Speaker 2: they wanted to change in our In our house in Brisbane,
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  Speaker 2: we had a parent's retreat for all intents and purposes.
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  Speaker 2: We were at one end of the house and the
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  Speaker 2: kids were at the other end of the house.
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  Speaker 1: Which is fantastic. It's wonderful, especially as they get older.
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  Speaker 2: But what I have noticed is over the years that
• 12:26
  Speaker 2: we've lived there, and especially as they've gotten older and
• 12:29
  Speaker 2: more independent, it's very easy to kind of just call
• 12:32
  Speaker 2: from the hallway good night and good night everybody, and
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  Speaker 2: kind of head to bed. That was the number one
• 12:38
  Speaker 2: thing they wanted to change. They were like, when we
• 12:40
  Speaker 2: find our next house, we want to be closer to you.
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  Speaker 2: It's so amazing to me that kids who have such
• 12:46
  Speaker 2: a strong desire for independence still crave closeness. Yeah, and
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  Speaker 2: so I just love that in our downsize we've listened.
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  Speaker 1: Because it's only three bedrooms and they're close.
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  Speaker 2: We could all literally lie in our bedrooms and call
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  Speaker 2: out and we'd all hear each other.
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  Speaker 1: Well.
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  Speaker 3: The take our message from today's podcast to help you
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  Speaker 3: to do better tomorrow is number one. From Kylie, take
• 13:13
  Speaker 3: the time out to sit down, listen and gently guide
• 13:16
  Speaker 3: rather than tell kids through their tough times. And from
• 13:19
  Speaker 3: me that bedtime routine, having that consistent, predictable routine where
• 13:23
  Speaker 3: you say all the right things and you do all
• 13:26
  Speaker 3: the right things so the kids feel security and they
• 13:29
  Speaker 3: feel love.
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  Speaker 1: I just I think it's the most important. They feel connected,
• 13:32
  Speaker 1: they feel connected.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, And don't just sing out down the hallway
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  Speaker 3: good night kids, sing out down the highway. Don't sing
• 13:38
  Speaker 3: out down the hallway good night kids, and don't and
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  Speaker 3: miss out on that connection.
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  Speaker 1: It's so critical to get it.
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  Speaker 3: We really hope that this will do better tomorrow, has
• 13:45
  Speaker 3: inspired better parenting in your family. Good luck for the weekend,
• 13:48
  Speaker 3: and we can't wait to be with you again on
• 13:50
  Speaker 3: Monday for more of the Happy Families podcast where we're
• 13:54
  Speaker 3: back by the Way on Monday with a listener question
• 13:57
  Speaker 3: from Lydia who wants to know how to support kids
• 13:58
  Speaker 3: to be more assertive with their peers.
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  Speaker 1: How do we help.
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  Speaker 3: Kids to get their way every now and again instead
• 14:04
  Speaker 3: of being pushovers and being influenced by all the other
• 14:06
  Speaker 3: kids around them. That's what we're talking about on Monday.
• 14:08
  Speaker 3: And then I was so excited for this. On Tuesday
• 14:10
  Speaker 3: and Wednesday, we're talking all about vaping. It's going to
• 14:13
  Speaker 3: be a really big week on the podcast. Can't wait
• 14:15
  Speaker 3: to get into it. The Happy Family's podcast is as always,
• 14:17
  Speaker 3: produced by Justin Ruhland from Bridge Media. Craig Bruce is
• 14:19
  Speaker 3: our executive producer and more info for all the things
• 14:23
  Speaker 3: that we're talking about. It is available at Happy families
• 14:25
  Speaker 3: dot com dot au