Latest / Cry It Out Loud: Navigating Infertility, Miscarriage, Stillbirth, Infant Loss & Pregnancy After Loss / Grieving Through the Holidays As Infertility, Miscarriage & Baby Loss Survivors | A Healing Conversation with @SarahTheDetoxCoach

Transcript

Grieving Through the Holidays As Infertility, Miscarriage & Baby Loss Survivors | A Healing Conversation with @SarahTheDetoxCoach · Cry It Out Loud: Navigating Infertility, Miscarriage, Stillbirth, Infant Loss & Pregnancy After Loss

• 0:11
  Crying Out Loud, a podcast by Chasing the Rainbows with your
• 0:18
  host Bernice Quisenberry. Welcome back to Cry It Out Loud,
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  the podcast where we hold space for parents surviving the
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  unimaginable. Miscarriage, early baby loss,
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  still birth, infant loss, infertility, and pregnancy after
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  loss. All baby loss.
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  I'm your host from Chasing the Rainbows, A nonprofit providing
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  free daily emotional support because grief has no timeline
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  fit into a schedule, and no parent should ever feel alone.
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  Today, we are continuing an important conversation with
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  Sarah, known as Sarah the Detox coach on Instagram, whose
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  honesty, courage and advocacy have touched so many listeners.
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  In our last episode with Sarah, which will air in weeks, she
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  shared her earning with us, which definitely tune in for
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  that and make sure you have that on your schedule through her
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  multiple early term early baby losses and her healing through
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  holistic Wellness. But today we're talking about a
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  topic that nearly every parent struggles with, and that's the
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  holidays. The lights, the music, the
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  gatherings, the traditions, they can be incredibly painful
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  reminders of what should have been and who is missing.
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  Sarah, thank you so much for being here and for helping us
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  bring light to a season that can feel so dark for so many.
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  Thank you. I'm truly so honored to be here.
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  I love being able to connect with so many other couples going
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  through the same heartbreaking journey, so thank you so much
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  for having me. Absolutely.
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  Thank you, Sarah, for being here.
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  And it is tough. It's, you know, tough as we
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  approach the holidays, the day itself and then that grief
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  hangover, you know, for days after.
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  So you shedding light on this important topic just means a lot
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  to put, you know your pain out there.
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  What you do, what you have done, just really means the world.
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  Thank you so much. Yeah, so just a little bit of a
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  back story. So I had four pregnancy losses
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  before my beautiful little rainbow baby came into the
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  world. But I'm going to say my second
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  miscarriage because my second miscarriage is the one that I
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  first knew about. I had no idea about my first one
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  because the doctors never told me about my lab work.
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  So picture this. It was Christmas Eve when I
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  finally took a pregnancy test and got my first positive.
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  And so I was so excited to share it with my husband 'cause we
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  hadn't only been trying for, you know, 8 months.
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  Which I know in retrospect is not a long time compared to, you
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  know, other fertility journeys. But still, I mean, it was a very
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  rough year in 2020. So this was just such an amazing
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  like way to close the year. And so we woke up Christmas Day
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  where I put it in his stocking to tell him and I recorded it,
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  which I never got to release because, you know, we told our
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  families the next day and then New Year's, which was our engage
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  adversary, I, we were in the ER and that was my first known
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  miscarriage. So since then, the holidays have
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  just never looked the same for me.
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  So I know how difficult this time of year can be for couples
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  navigating this heartbreaking journey.
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  So I just want to let you know first of all, that I'm here like
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  I'm with you. And you don't ever have to feel
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  alone because that's what the space is so beautiful for is
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  that we're able to find people that we connect with and you
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  don't feel so alone. So I'm genuinely thank you so
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  much for creating this space because it's been a heaven sent
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  for me. So I just want to say thank you
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  for that too. Thank you, Sarah.
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  Yeah, it's it's true. Like we need to be around others
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  who understand what we're going through, our community of people
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  where we don't have to over explain ourselves in a world
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  that we do feel like we have to, or why we're still grieving or
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  why this is painful for us. And having this space is so
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  important. And having you as a volunteer
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  and supporting us really means the world too.
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  To give a voice, you know, for others that might not feel like
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  they can give a voice right now. It's truly hard.
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  It's very hard to, I mean, I, I five years ago, I never imagined
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  this would be my life. I never imagined that I would be
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  sharing my story on social media with the world, literally
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  millions of people. I never imagined this.
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  But you know, when you, you hear the statistic 1 and 4, but then
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  when you become the statistic, your life completely changes and
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  you see the world through a different set of lenses.
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  And suddenly, like, you don't recognize yourself.
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  You feel like you can't, you can't even talk to your best
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  friends. Like, like that was the biggest
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  thing for me is I didn't have anyone I could tell like my
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  negative thoughts to, you know, like everyone's trying to like
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  enforce these positive thoughts. And in a separate note, like
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  speaking positive to your body is a very, it's a healing
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  technique, which does work. Like if you speak positive
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  things to your body, like it's your nervous system's going to
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  listen. But on a second note, like I'm,
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  I'm the kind of personality I need to be angry.
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  I need to be mad. Like those are the phases of
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  grief that you need to feel. And I felt like I always had to
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  be so strong and so positive. So like, there was things that I
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  couldn't even tell my best friend back home.
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  One, she has three beautiful, healthy children.
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  And I just didn't know how to put that in words like what I
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  was feeling without like offending her.
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  So that was something that was extremely difficult for me to
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  navigate is having someone that I could trust to talk to and be
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  able to say negative things. And you know, that's what I love
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  this space for is because there are other women that are feeling
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  those same emotions of grief and that you are able to be like,
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  get everything out there, right? Like that's what I needed.
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  That's what I truly need is just get it all out there because the
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  then you're able to start the healing process.
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  Yes, and to really have someone sit with you in your grief, you
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  know that everyone has great intentions when they say things,
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  right? And they hate seeing us in pain.
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  So they especially loved ones. So they want to say things like,
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  you know, everything happens for a reason.
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  And in those moments, it's like we're, you know, dealing with
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  the anger, we're dealing with all those feelings that come
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  with grief. And it's like, no, we just want
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  you to sit here angry with us for one minute.
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  Just let me just get this out. And honestly, it's.
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  Right. It's like it does cut that pain
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  for us and it, you know, sometimes cuts it in half,
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  sometimes just takes a little bit off.
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  But then you finally feel like you can breathe like once like
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  you do cry it out loud, like I just want to cry.
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  Nothing you say is going to take this pain away, but let me just
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  get it out there and then let's go.
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  And when people were asking you how you're doing, like in our
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  space, we really want to know how you're doing.
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  Like tell us like this is where I'm at.
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  Like it is. And it's going to be the ugly
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  and great. We're here for it all, like the
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  ugly, the beauty, whatever. But out there in society, when
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  someone's asking, like, how are you doing?
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  They want to hear the fine, the OK, the good.
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  They don't want you to like trauma dump on them.
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  But in all reality, we're really going through the worst
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  nightmare a parent can go through.
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  So, you know, if you don't really want the real and the
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  raw, don't ask. Yes, like and.
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  You know, yeah, it always turns so awkward, I guess because
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  like, like you said, they people do, they have the best of
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  intentions. They really do.
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  But until you, you're on the other side of it.
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  You're like, oh, I really shouldn't have said that.
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  You know, like, I mean, there's even time still.
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  I mean, I have thousands of women coming to me in my inboxes
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  asking me questions. And there's even still, like,
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  sometimes it even feels hard to say.
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  I'm so sorry, sorry, doesn't change what is going on, you
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  know, but like I always do my best to like open up a space for
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  them to just vent because I mean, the truth is, is like, I
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  could tell you a million ways that I used a million things
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  that I used to on my own personal healing journey.
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  And I can give you tips, protocols, you know, healing
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  techniques. But like the truth is, is you
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  have to, you have to put in the work and you have to process
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  your emotions first. So that's why I try to create a
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  space where people can just, you know, dump their emotions, I
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  guess is the best way to put it, because that's really the most
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  healing. You're exactly right.
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  And it's really hearing other people's stories, experiences
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  and what they did because then you can find your own and you
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  can take like Modge Podge, you can take this person and this
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  person and this person and like create your own.
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  And some days that might work at, you know, whatever you put
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  into place. And then other days you're going
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  to rely on someone help carry you and you're going to do
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  something that they did to try something new because what you
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  were doing before wasn't working and you know, because.
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  What you just said, like, you literally ripped the words out
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  of my mouth because, like, I'm so bad with words sometimes, but
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  what you just said is just like, spot on, spot on.
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  Sorry. Yeah.
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  Yeah. Oh, no, Sarah.
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  No. Yeah, it's so true.
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  So it is hearing that and like today, you know, these holidays
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  and Oh, my goodness, you know, we're four years out from losing
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  our infant daughter and I'm like still, you know, so I would love
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  to hear from you. Like the holidays are heavy
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  going into it, the lead up everything.
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  And, you know, how did you like, what were they like for you,
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  like after your losses, like the first holidays specifically?
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  And what really surprised you, whether it was painful or
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  unexpected, you know, Yeah. If I could put it in one like
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  phrase it, it was a blur. Like, I like looking back, like
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  I'm looking back at videos and I just there's things that I'm
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  just like, I don't, I remember being there physically, but like
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  emotionally I'm so detached and like, and even Thanksgiving,
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  Thanksgiving is this week, which is I'm not going to get
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  emotional, but it's my favorite holiday.
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  And it was two years ago last month that we lost my daughter's
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  sibling. And you know, after miscarriage
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  and being able to welcome my beautiful rainbow baby, I was
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  like, nothing in the world's going to stop me and brought me
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  from joy now, right? Like you, you're like, I have
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  exactly what I wanted. And I find that living with
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  grief while you were also a mother is also just as equally,
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  if not more hard because you want to show up for them.
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  You want to give them the magic, you know, all of the core
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  memories, but like you're also piercing yourself back together,
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  which is really, really hard. So Thanksgiving is my favorite.
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  And then, you know, there was a period of time where I just I
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  lost that sparkle and I don't know if I'll ever fully get that
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  back. But like it is super hard still
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  to deal with and to still to process through because I want
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  to show up for my little rainbow baby.
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  I want to give her everything that she, you know, all the
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  magic of the season. So it's ridiculously hard, but I
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  feel like, you know, there's pieces of me that will never
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  ever fully have like joy in the sparkle back, which is OK, like
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  I now, now I'm OK. I've learned to live with it and
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  I feel like at all some capacity we we've learned to live with it
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  because we've accepted like they're in our hearts, right,
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  like we are. We are still going to celebrate
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  them. We'll light a candle for them.
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  We'll, you know, we'll do all of the things and include them in
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  our hearts just because we're not hanging a stocking or, you
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  know, taking them to the Christmas Eve church with us or
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  setting a dinner plate for them. Like they're still in our
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  hearts. We still pray for them.
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  We still, you know, they're still there in a sense.
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  So it's just learning to, it's learning to live with it while
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  healing at the same time. Absolutely.
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  I know that first year I, I feel that so much.
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  You're like, I know I was physically there.
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  You're almost robotic. And honestly, the first year in
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  general after losing our babies and going through these
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  traumatic losses is hard to remember anything.
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  Like I like people remind me of events or current events or
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  things that happened in their life, which I knew about because
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  they told me, but I didn't remember and like it.
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  It was like all just kind of a blur.
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  And it's really like that with the holidays too.
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  Like I don't think preparing like I wish I would have done
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  this the first year, like with my husband having a game plan,
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  like, you know, when we were going to someone's house for a
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  holiday activity or yeah, like, listen, this is our code word.
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  Like if I need to escape, we gotta go.
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  Like this is it like I can't. Like I'm setting those
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  boundaries for yourself to know, like it's OK to allow yourself
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  just to go and, or if you're hosting to go up to your
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  bedroom, like you got this, you can entertain the guests.
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  Like I need like an hour to cry or like I need an hour just to
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  escape. And like really like sit with
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  something like, you know, and, and sitting with like our losses
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  and things like that and like really getting to a place where
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  maybe I can go and re enter, you know, but if not, that's OK too.
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  But the lighting the candle. But you said, Sarah, we started
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  doing that too. We started lighting a candle in
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  the morning to be like, listen, we're going to welcome anybody
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  who wants to talk about our babies, you know, before we
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  start anything because like, that elephant in the room,
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  right? I'm like, come on, people.
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  We're going to still talk about it.
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  We're still going to remember. Like, you guys need to like,
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  just know it's OK. And like, nobody feel awkward
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  about it almost, you know, like this is what we need to do for
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  ourselves because that's what's important because not all of our
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  living, our children are living in our arms today.
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  You hit the nail on the head with the boundaries thing that
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  that's probably my biggest lesson, to be honest.
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  Learning to set boundaries was the first step of me healing
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  because boundaries are so important because you know,
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  there's there's pieces of us that we don't want to show the
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  world to. There's just not.
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  And that was really hard for me during it was so hard because I
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  was never somebody that was able to really tell people no until
• 15:35
  the past three years. I've been really good at telling
• 15:40
  people no in the past three years.
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  It's just because I had to learn to protect my space, my
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  emotions, like, and it's been well clarifying for me to learn
• 15:50
  to set boundaries. Like no, we're not going to go
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  to this event. Like I don't, you know, I don't
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  have to have a physical presence at this event.
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  I mean, it's they know, they know what I'm going through.
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  They don't understand that that's a them problem.
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  It's not a me problem. I've expressed my feelings
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  towards it. I've communicated everything
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  that I possibly could to make them understand.
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  I'm just not comfortable. And when you're not comfortable,
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  you don't have to put yourself in that space.
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  So I I hope you know that. Yes.
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  And if this is true, this is a like.
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  This is also like, I feel like when we go through our losses
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  too, it's like so exposed, like you do you feel exposed, you
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  feel like vulnerable because like it is, you know, horrific
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  with a parent living without their child.
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  And so in these sometimes, you know, it is private, like some
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  of the things that we're going through, some of the feelings
• 16:43
  that we're having and we don't want to share, we don't want to
• 16:46
  talk about it. And do we have to over explain
• 16:48
  ourselves to people that don't understand?
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  Like there's just no need for that when we're trying to
• 16:52
  protect our own peace, our own happiness as or, you know,
• 16:55
  picking up those pieces to learn to live in this doodality of
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  grief and still loving life and a life worth living, right?
• 17:03
  So like trying to figure all that out without our children
• 17:06
  here is so difficult. So it's like we don't need one
• 17:08
  more thing to beat ourselves up about.
• 17:11
  No. And also having the same
• 17:13
  conversation over and over and over and refeed, it gets
• 17:16
  daunting, like to have that same conversation.
• 17:21
  And it's like, you know, I understand that they, they're
• 17:24
  super curious. They, they want to know the
• 17:26
  details. They maybe they never known
• 17:28
  anyone that's gone through miscarriage.
• 17:29
  Maybe they have a bunch of questions And it's just like, it
• 17:32
  can be so draining and overwhelming.
• 17:35
  And it's OK to createspace to like be like, I can't handle
• 17:38
  this conversation. It's not that I'm trying to be
• 17:41
  rude or that I don't want you to know this information.
• 17:45
  I'm just saying I don't want this information to come from
• 17:47
  me. Maybe go online, Go online and
• 17:51
  start researching about like we know what couples go through and
• 17:55
  ask questions to GPT or something I don't know.
• 17:58
  Yes, like let me protect my own peace, like my own sanity, like
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  what I'm like, it took everything I had to get here
• 18:04
  today. So like, I'm not ready to to, to
• 18:09
  yeah, deep dive into those questions for you.
• 18:11
  That's what Google's for, right? And.
• 18:13
  Also, it's OK to not go to baby showers.
• 18:16
  It's OK to leave the room. And so this is the time of year
• 18:20
  a lot of people make pregnancy announcements and it's OK to
• 18:23
  leave the room. It is not rude, it's not polite.
• 18:27
  It's you're protecting your boundaries and your peace.
• 18:30
  So if you need to like quietly go to the other room, leave if
• 18:34
  you have to, you know, and then you can explain yourself later
• 18:37
  after their joy is you know it's there.
• 18:41
  It's been said they'll understand.
• 18:44
  I promise you they will understand.
• 18:45
  I mean, like even, it was so hard, even my my sister
• 18:51
  announcing my nephew coming into the world and how angry I felt,
• 19:00
  how jealous I felt. And it's like, you want to feel
• 19:03
  happy, but you, there's a piece of you that's happy because you,
• 19:08
  you know, you have a new nephew being born, right?
• 19:10
  But then the other half of you is just like, why can't that be
• 19:12
  me? And it's OK to feel both
• 19:15
  emotions. It's OK to feel both emotions at
• 19:17
  once, and it's OK to disconnect from that conversation and
• 19:23
  process your emotions. It's OK to disconnect.
• 19:27
  Absolutely, absolutely. And it's that invisible grief,
• 19:30
  invisible spaces. And so the person doing the
• 19:33
  pregnancy announcement, they're thinking of their situation,
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  they should be right. They're celebrating joy and all
• 19:39
  that. But then we also have to look at
• 19:41
  ourselves. That's not our situation, right?
• 19:43
  And this we need to disconnect ourselves sometimes from that
• 19:46
  situation and allowing us to then handle what we need to
• 19:51
  handle, right? So we're not then ruining their
• 19:54
  moment, right? And so removing yourself
• 19:56
  sometimes is the best option, you know, just to like handle
• 20:00
  what was just presented to you because you didn't know it was
• 20:02
  coming. And then, OK, not space that I
• 20:05
  can go and approach him or I can talk to him or I can be there
• 20:07
  for them. But also in your time like that
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  too, like you, like they're handling their joy, you're
• 20:12
  handling your own stuff too. So that's really important to
• 20:16
  know that. Agreed.
• 20:18
  And something I struggled with. Yeah.
• 20:21
  Sarah and I would love, you know, to hear you too.
• 20:23
  So Thanksgiving, right? It's all about giving thanks and
• 20:27
  being grateful. And I struggled so hard,
• 20:30
  especially our first year, first holidays, to feel like that
• 20:35
  fakeness almost. Sometimes you feel like that,
• 20:36
  like when people all come together in a room or they're
• 20:39
  out of Friendsgiving or whatever it is, they're not their real
• 20:42
  authentic self. They're always shining light on,
• 20:45
  you know, the best things that are happening in their life.
• 20:47
  It can be like a social media reel all happening at once in
• 20:51
  that room. And it's like really hard to
• 20:53
  actually like sit there and say, like, I am not grateful this
• 20:58
  year. Like I'm not thankful.
• 20:59
  Like I am in the midst of my grief, Like I am in pain right
• 21:03
  now. And not that, you know, I'm
• 21:06
  ungrateful for life. Trust me.
• 21:07
  Because people like to remind us of that, right?
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  When like, they're like, oh, we should be grateful for this and
• 21:12
  that, like, in your pain. And it's like, it's not that
• 21:14
  we're like, don't make us feel guilty and blamed because we're
• 21:16
  already doing that to ourselves. We're already beating ourselves
• 21:18
  up about everything. You know what, we could have
• 21:20
  done different all those things, but like, to actually, like, sit
• 21:24
  there. And it is so just.
• 21:27
  Yeah, yeah. Even the whole at least you have
• 21:31
  a daughter or at least you have one baby.
• 21:33
  Like it's not OK to say. It's just not.
• 21:36
  I wish more people knew that. At least are you should don't
• 21:41
  open your mouth. That's what we always say.
• 21:42
  Like if anything's going to come out, and it's only in this space
• 21:45
  too, not when someone loses a parent, they don't say, well, at
• 21:47
  least you have another parent. Like they don't say, like at
• 21:49
  least be grateful that you had a parent, you know?
• 21:51
  No, it's like this is the only time someone inserts that.
• 21:55
  And it's like, why are we comparing losses?
• 21:57
  There should never be a comparison of losses or living
• 22:00
  children in this moment because their child doesn't replace a
• 22:02
  child. Just let's throw that out there
• 22:04
  too, Sarah. Yeah, keep going.
• 22:05
  Agree. I agree 100% like Thanksgiving,
• 22:09
  you're right. It's like everybody's counting
• 22:12
  their blessings right They I mean we go around the dinner
• 22:14
  table or kids write it on little leaves and they ask you to
• 22:17
  participate. You know, like it's hard because
• 22:20
  it's like you have that divide of pardon me is grateful there.
• 22:26
  I mean, there are so many amazing things that God has
• 22:29
  provided me that I am thankful for.
• 22:33
  But on the other hand, like I'm still angry.
• 22:37
  I'm still sad. Like life isn't what I pictured
• 22:40
  it to be this time, especially this time of year at my age.
• 22:44
  Like I could go on a foot of tea.
• 22:46
  And then there's people that are like they get, they find it hard
• 22:53
  to be around me. And that's something that I've
• 22:57
  learned to live with and learn to accept.
• 22:59
  Like not all people are going to understand.
• 23:01
  And that's OK. Like I have two amazing,
• 23:06
  incredible best friends that like will always have my back.
• 23:10
  And like, I don't need this big circle of all these, you know,
• 23:13
  like this fake conversation, like you were saying, like
• 23:15
  that's on social media. Like I don't need all of that.
• 23:18
  Like I have this very small community of people that get
• 23:21
  everything that I've been through and like, I don't need
• 23:24
  to act or, you know, be myself. Like, and I've learned to say
• 23:29
  no. I've learned to say no if I
• 23:31
  don't feel comfortable in a situation not be able to be that
• 23:35
  way. Like if I feel like I have to go
• 23:37
  and act and be a certain way, like I'm not going to go.
• 23:40
  And that's just who I am now. And that's you get what you get
• 23:43
  to be honest, so. Exactly and no is a complete
• 23:47
  sentence. No period.
• 23:48
  That's fine. You don't need to over explain
• 23:50
  yourself. You don't need to add anything
• 23:51
  else to that. If you don't want to do
• 23:53
  something, if it feels cringy to you, if it's not, if it's
• 23:55
  feeling awkward for you, there's a reason your body's rejecting
• 23:58
  that. Like thinking through going to
• 24:00
  some, there's a reason for that. And I feel like we intentionally
• 24:04
  live once we lose babies. Like at least for myself, I
• 24:08
  should say, I've learned that like whoever gets my time or
• 24:11
  however I use my time is what we like.
• 24:14
  It's so precious on this earth. Like we like, we know that
• 24:17
  because our baby's life was taken like they were only here
• 24:19
  for a short period, you know? And it's like, so to live in
• 24:23
  that, right? And understand that some people
• 24:26
  are only here for seasons and reasons.
• 24:28
  And also it's quality over quantity now, right?
• 24:31
  And all of those things come into effect with the people that
• 24:34
  we welcome into our lives and keep in our lives and ones that
• 24:37
  are actually gonna understand or be there and, you know, sit with
• 24:43
  us and not just want the ones that are always checking in on
• 24:47
  them or that joyous person. Like they actually want to be
• 24:51
  there for us when we're going through like, hard times and
• 24:54
  really like hard times with processing our grief and, you
• 24:57
  know, being OK and sitting with us in it.
• 25:01
  It's true. Yeah.
• 25:02
  And I know for me too, something that I personally struggle with,
• 25:06
  and I, you mentioned it earlier that like that you want to be
• 25:10
  grateful. And there was a huge piece of me
• 25:15
  that struggled with like my faith, obviously, because I'm a,
• 25:19
  I'm a very religious person. So that was something that I
• 25:22
  struggled with a lot. And so when I just I had
• 25:28
  conversations with myself, as silly as that sound, like I had
• 25:31
  conversations with myself to kind of like be my own personal
• 25:34
  cheerleader and like know that everything that I'm doing is to
• 25:39
  protect me, to show up and be a good mom for the daughter that I
• 25:44
  do have to be a Good Wife. And everything else is just
• 25:49
  noise that I mean, at the end of the day, like if everything that
• 25:53
  I've learned through faith is leading me to like that's my
• 25:58
  umbrella, that's what I'm protecting and anybody else can
• 26:02
  just. Be.
• 26:05
  They can just be because I'm not worried about anybody than
• 26:09
  what's in my little umbrella. Exactly.
• 26:12
  And it's really the essentials, especially right after, right
• 26:16
  after going through our losses. It's like the essentials are
• 26:20
  like taking care of yourself, like being able to shower,
• 26:23
  self-care, like do the basics, drink water, eat, you know,
• 26:26
  those kind of things and then take care of our loved one, like
• 26:30
  our immediate loved ones, right? And our house, like what that
• 26:33
  looks like. And you're so spot on, Sarah,
• 26:36
  the essentials really for survival mode when you're in it.
• 26:40
  Yes and there is no timeline for that and there is no being
• 26:44
  dramatic like I, I was in comparison mode for the longest
• 26:47
  time. I'm like, well, I'm not this
• 26:49
  bad. I'm not that bad like one, there
• 26:53
  is no timeline because grief and trauma can live in the body for
• 26:58
  decades, right? So it's like don't feel rushed
• 27:02
  to be OK in a month or a year or five years.
• 27:07
  Like there is no time like for you are going to hold on to that
• 27:10
  child probably till the day that you die and that's OK.
• 27:14
  Like that your life has changed and it's OK to accept that. 2
• 27:20
  There is no being dramatic. Like I, I, that's the part that
• 27:24
  I had to learn to let go a lot. It's like, you know, oh, that
• 27:27
  person, she can't even feed herself.
• 27:29
  She can't even drink water. Like she's being so dramatic.
• 27:31
  It's not dramatic. Like everybody's way that they
• 27:35
  handle grief, everybody handles it differently.
• 27:38
  There is no being dramatic. So whatever your body is trying
• 27:41
  to do or like tell you, just listen to your body.
• 27:46
  Your body knows exactly what to do.
• 27:48
  Drown out all the noise. If you find someone, it's going
• 27:52
  to be hurtful. It's really, I mean, I had
• 27:54
  family members say some very hurtful things about me behind
• 27:57
  my back. And you know what it's like, you
• 27:59
  learn to forgive and forget kind of thing.
• 28:01
  Like I forgive you, but I will never forget what you said.
• 28:04
  But you just, you learn to adapt.
• 28:07
  You learn to adapt to it and protect yourself.
• 28:11
  Absolutely. I could not have said that
• 28:13
  better, Sarah. It is exactly right.
• 28:15
  And it's doing what you need to do in those moments to get you
• 28:19
  to a place where you can be that functioning person, right, for
• 28:23
  your family, like show up, those kind of things.
• 28:25
  And for some people to say things behind your back.
• 28:29
  I always like. It was really hard for me to
• 28:31
  know, like, yeah, won't forget it.
• 28:33
  But also, like, shame on them. And like, you know, then they
• 28:37
  miss out on your life. They miss out on so much.
• 28:39
  And like, oh, well, like they don't get to have the best
• 28:42
  version of you if they can't handle, you know, the worst
• 28:44
  version of you when you're going through, like, the depths of
• 28:46
  this. And so, yeah, it's, it's true.
• 28:50
  Yeah. That was hard.
• 28:53
  That was a hard one for me truthfully, because it's like
• 28:56
  everyone's all like, Oh well, they're family or their blood.
• 28:59
  Like, well, it doesn't get you a free pass to disrespect somebody
• 29:04
  for the way that they process emotions.
• 29:06
  Like everybody doesn't have the same like moral compass when it
• 29:10
  comes to handling grief. You know, everybody and it looks
• 29:15
  different for everybody and it's OK.
• 29:18
  I mean, you know, obviously some people are going to be like, I
• 29:22
  want to help like, and that's great.
• 29:24
  But like, if you don't want help, it's OK to say no.
• 29:27
  I I just want to process this alone so.
• 29:30
  Yes, and you don't need to feel like you need to over share or
• 29:34
  over explain or over anything like you like exactly right.
• 29:38
  I think sometimes like for myself, like I'm a people
• 29:40
  pleaser, so like always wanting to do for others.
• 29:43
  And it's really, it was really hard to turn that off and
• 29:46
  understand that like, no, I really need to focus on myself
• 29:49
  now. Like that is OK and being OK
• 29:52
  with it, not feeling that guilt and shame over it or blame, you
• 29:54
  know, all those things and just allowing it to be what it is.
• 29:58
  And then now like at such a more comfortable space and place with
• 30:02
  being who I am and like being unapologetically like accepting
• 30:07
  of myself, which is like, and it's all around, which I love
• 30:09
  that you talked about, Sarah, is that self talk, those positive
• 30:13
  affirmations and almost like prep yourself, like gearing up
• 30:17
  for something. And I know we do this.
• 30:19
  Like I did it in my head, like I would work through every
• 30:22
  situation because I never because from trauma, right?
• 30:24
  Like you just don't want to put yourself in a situation that
• 30:28
  like you don't have an escape route or you don't have have a
• 30:29
  plan BCD in your head already. And because like never goes as
• 30:33
  plan A. So it's like trying to like
• 30:35
  figure out what you do have control over and what you can
• 30:38
  control. But then how you would navigate
• 30:40
  that. Because like, I feel like we do
• 30:41
  play that all out and that's probably the lead up before the
• 30:44
  holiday. Why I have grief hangovers
• 30:46
  after. But like, seriously, it's like
• 30:48
  playing it all out in your head. My husband right nuts because
• 30:54
  I'm like what is this? I'm not that like I'm think of
• 30:58
  every possible thing and it's like always the worst moment to
• 31:02
  we're laying down to bed like we're all cuddling our daughter
• 31:05
  like while she falls asleep and I'm like, Oh, but I didn't think
• 31:08
  about this. And he's like stop, like
• 31:10
  seriously stop. I like that's what I do.
• 31:12
  And So what I learned to do is this is a technique that really
• 31:16
  did help me is that if I had a situation like that, I would get
• 31:21
  up and I would write it on a post it now and then, you know,
• 31:24
  like in the morning, I'm like, Oh, I guess that's, that's not
• 31:27
  really big a deal. And you just crumble it up and
• 31:29
  throw it away. So then the thought is gone.
• 31:30
  Like you wrote it up, you got it out, you got the message out on
• 31:33
  paper, you told yourself. And then you realize a little
• 31:36
  bit later that I guess if that happened, it wouldn't be the
• 31:40
  worst thing in the world. Or if it is something that like,
• 31:43
  and then you keep that sticking on, you have that discussion
• 31:45
  with your spouse and you're like, this is my boundary
• 31:48
  because of the scenario like this is a priority.
• 31:50
  So that was a technique that really did work for me,
• 31:52
  especially this time of year. Yeah, I hope.
• 31:57
  Yeah. Oh, thanks for sharing that,
• 31:59
  Sarah. Absolutely.
• 32:01
  You know, so as we before we wrap up, I would love, what is
• 32:05
  your message to grieving parents this holiday season?
• 32:08
  Love to hear what you, you know, have to say to them.
• 32:13
  Oh, that's a loading person. Yeah.
• 32:17
  I it's hard. It's OK to be hard.
• 32:22
  It's OK to be angry. It's OK to disconnect.
• 32:28
  It's OK to not be present. It's OK to not be as thankful as
• 32:31
  you once were. But the most important piece in
• 32:34
  this is that I hope this is the biggest take away that I hope
• 32:38
  that you know, is that you are a different person than you were
• 32:44
  before you went through this. And there's this thing that we
• 32:48
  have in our we have this image in our head our entire life, the
• 32:51
  way that our life is going to look, that our life is going to
• 32:54
  look like. But here's the thing, like you
• 32:58
  are building so much resilience in yourself and there's going to
• 33:03
  be so many different versions of you.
• 33:05
  And I think the biggest piece for me is that learning to let
• 33:08
  go of the version of me that I thought my life was going to
• 33:13
  look like and just kind of just roll with it.
• 33:16
  Because when you learn to let that expectation go, you start
• 33:22
  finding little glimmers of hope again, especially during this
• 33:26
  time. And so I hope that's one, the
• 33:29
  biggest take away and two, that you just learned to say no,
• 33:33
  create a safe space for yourself.
• 33:36
  Realize that not everyone is going to understand the season
• 33:38
  for you. They're just not.
• 33:40
  And so if it makes you feel more comfortable to not attend
• 33:45
  certain events or to walk away when someone announces a
• 33:49
  pregnancy, even if it's your sister, like I, it's, it's
• 33:53
  difficult and it's OK to feel the way that they do.
• 33:57
  You don't owe anyone an explanation.
• 34:01
  You just, you work on you, you work on being yourself and you
• 34:05
  learn to let go of what your own expectations are of yourself.
• 34:11
  So. Thank you, Sarah, thank you for
• 34:16
  your vulnerability, your wisdom, your compassion.
• 34:19
  The holidays can be incredibly triggering and isolating for
• 34:21
  families who have lost a baby, but hearing your story brings
• 34:24
  comfort to so many who feel unseen, so thank you.
• 34:28
  Thank you. Thank you so much.
• 34:31
  To every parent listening, your grief is real, your love is
• 34:34
  real, your baby matters and you do not have to walk through this
• 34:38
  season alone. Chase the Rainbow's offers free
• 34:40
  daily emotional support, different services to fit
• 34:43
  whatever you need and seek, even on holidays.
• 34:46
  Because grief doesn't pause, and neither does our care.
• 34:49
  Please visit babylossawareness.org, join our
• 34:52
  support groups, and connect with us at Chase and the Rainbows,
• 34:55
  Inc. And together we can hold space
• 34:57
  for your heartbreak. Together we remember and
• 35:00
  together we heal. Every loss matters today and
• 35:02
  every holiday season. Thanks again, Sarah.
• 35:06
  Thank you.