Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #209 What Am I Doing Wrong?

Transcript

#209 What Am I Doing Wrong? · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:03
  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: time poor parent who just wants answers.
• 0:10
  Speaker 2: Now, I think the thing that resonates with anyone who
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  Speaker 2: reads it is just being exactly in that place at
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  Speaker 2: some point in time as a parent and feeling so
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  Speaker 2: inadequate to deal with the challenges that arise.
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  Speaker 1: And now here's the stars of our show, my mum
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  Speaker 1: and dad Today.
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  Speaker 3: This is doctor Justin Coilson, author of six books about
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  Speaker 3: raising happy families, and I'm here with my wife and
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  Speaker 3: co hosts missus Happy Family. Well that's I really like
• 0:37
  Speaker 3: that name. It just makes me feel good about you.
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  Speaker 3: I'm here with my wife, Kylie missus Happy Families, mom
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  Speaker 3: to our six daughters, and Kylie. We've had some feedback
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  Speaker 3: via podcasts at happy families dot com dot au.
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  Speaker 2: Kathy from Brisbane sent us a beautiful email about some
• 0:54
  Speaker 2: of the things that she experienced as she read your
• 0:57
  Speaker 2: forward from twenty one days to a Happier Family. It's
• 1:00
  Speaker 2: nice to have you with us.
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  Speaker 4: Kathy, Thank you so much.
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  Speaker 2: Can you tell us, Kathy, what was it about the
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  Speaker 2: forward that really resonated with you?
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  Speaker 4: Obviously the title speaks for itself. Twenty one Days to
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  Speaker 4: a happier family. I listened to Justin for quite a while,
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  Speaker 4: and he does resonate with me. I think he makes
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  Speaker 4: the psychology behind parenting really simple. But when I read
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  Speaker 4: the forward, I was actually blown away by how relevant
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  Speaker 4: and how Justin had been so raw and real about
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  Speaker 4: his experiences, so even talking about disciplining a child and
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  Speaker 4: then regretting it because he'd been a bit hard on
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  Speaker 4: because I've sort of found myself in a similar position,
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  Speaker 4: and you know, I've talked with other mums. I'm pretty
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  Speaker 4: new mum. I've got a three year old and now
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  Speaker 4: I've got two baby twins. So I guess that's why
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  Speaker 4: I'm trying to get it right now, you know. And
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  Speaker 4: it's really resonating with me, because when I grew up,
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  Speaker 4: we'd get smacked, we'd get we'd get disciplined pretty severely.
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  Speaker 4: But reading through your book, it was a combination of
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  Speaker 4: like a control and kind of parents that I had
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  Speaker 4: and also permissive. So it's really interesting. But we got
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  Speaker 4: really punished, and I just don't want to. I think
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  Speaker 4: that affected us in a way that we never then
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  Speaker 4: opened up with our parents in a way that I
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  Speaker 4: want my three sons to open up to me in
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  Speaker 4: the future, and I feel like I'm harming their trust
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  Speaker 4: with even just the fleeting hard discipline experience that I've
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  Speaker 4: had already with my oldest son in particular. You know,
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  Speaker 4: does that make sense?
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, we've all been there. You know, you're just
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  Speaker 3: so so petrified that what you're doing is going to
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  Speaker 3: mess them up. And it feels like everything's an experiment,
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  Speaker 3: but if the experiment goes wrong, we might actually just
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  Speaker 3: explode everything all over the lab.
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  Speaker 2: I actually have a friend Kathy, who says that she's
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  Speaker 2: saving for their therapy.
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  Speaker 4: I wonder how much we have to put aside. What
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  Speaker 4: are the dollars to day worth in the future.
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  Speaker 2: I think we've all been there. I'm wondering if you
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  Speaker 2: could share with us a little bit about these feelings
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  Speaker 2: of insecurity that you have about trying to raise a
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  Speaker 2: happy family. You know, it sounds like you're right in
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  Speaker 2: there in the trenches. You go, three year old and
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  Speaker 2: two baby twins.
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  Speaker 3: That's so amazing, But.
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  Speaker 2: You know, as mums, we have this sense of inadequacy
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  Speaker 2: all the time. And I don't know necessarily whether it's
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  Speaker 2: coming from a social media platform or whether or not.
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  Speaker 2: It's just this innate thing in us that we just
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  Speaker 2: feel like we can never do enough. But what is
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  Speaker 2: it for you that leaves you feeling this sense of inadequacy?
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  Speaker 3: Yeah?
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  Speaker 4: Well, interesting, you should say the social media platform because
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  Speaker 4: on a slightly unrelated note, because I've got baby twins,
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  Speaker 4: I'm on all the groups with babies now, and you know,
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  Speaker 4: they're all sleeping through the night, or they're doing this
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  Speaker 4: and that, and meanwhile I'm up five times a night
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  Speaker 4: and I think, what am I doing wrong? Am I
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  Speaker 4: doing something wrong? Where's the manual? And that translates exactly
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  Speaker 4: into the parenting part. I guess with my older child
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  Speaker 4: and when these boys get older too, what am I
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  Speaker 4: doing things right now to plant the seed for a
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  Speaker 4: you know, trusting, happy, open relationship in the future. Probably
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  Speaker 4: there's things that resonated for me in the forward. The
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  Speaker 4: part that resonated with me is about the disciplining, and
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  Speaker 4: Justin opens up about smacking a child and I've done that,
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  Speaker 4: and I've played it down by saying I've hit you know,
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  Speaker 4: I gave him a little tap on his mat and
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  Speaker 4: happy bottom, But really I smacked him so and with
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  Speaker 4: my parents, I was disciplined more hard than that. You
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  Speaker 4: know smacks were proper smacks, and I never opened up
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  Speaker 4: to my parents. I never told them what I was doing.
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  Speaker 4: I never really had an open, trusting relationship with them.
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  Speaker 4: I hid things from them, I rebelled. I had a
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  Speaker 4: fun but terrible teenagehood, and I don't want my boys
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  Speaker 4: to be like that. I want them to open up
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  Speaker 4: to me and tell me what they're doing.
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  Speaker 3: Well, Kathy, we're so grateful that you took the time
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  Speaker 3: to email us via podcasts at happy Families dot com
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  Speaker 3: dot au. It means very much thank you for that.
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  Speaker 3: I think that I should read twenty one Days to
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  Speaker 3: a Happier Family as part of this podcast so that
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  Speaker 3: people can find out a bit more about what resonated
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  Speaker 3: so well with Kathy.
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  Speaker 2: Well, let's do about after the break.
• 5:13
  Speaker 1: It's their Happy Families podcast.
• 5:15
  Speaker 4: For a Happier Family, try a Happy Families membership, because
• 5:19
  Speaker 4: a happy family doesn't just happen. Details at Happyfamilies dot
• 5:23
  Speaker 4: com dot Au.
• 5:25
  Speaker 2: I'm always looking for new ways to stay connected with
• 5:27
  Speaker 2: my children while giving them the opportunity to have the
• 5:30
  Speaker 2: same level of freedom I enjoyed when I was their age.
• 5:32
  Speaker 3: Oh those were the days. The Space Talk Adventurer watch
• 5:35
  Speaker 3: has given our daughter the freedom that she craves, while
• 5:38
  Speaker 3: also giving us the peace of mind of knowing where
• 5:41
  Speaker 3: she is via GPS location updates, and we can also
• 5:45
  Speaker 3: easily check in with her via a phone call or
• 5:47
  Speaker 3: a text message to her watch.
• 5:49
  Speaker 2: Space Talk watches don't have access to social media apps
• 5:52
  Speaker 2: or any other Internet services like mobile phones do, so
• 5:56
  Speaker 2: you can feel good that you're providing them with a
• 5:58
  Speaker 2: safe and secure device. Let's kids be kids in a
• 6:01
  Speaker 2: modern world.
• 6:02
  Speaker 3: And that's why we love it. Available at major retailers
• 6:04
  Speaker 3: and online. It's space talkwatch dot com.
• 6:07
  Speaker 2: It's the Happy Families podcast, the podcast for the time
• 6:10
  Speaker 2: poor parent who just wants answers. Now.
• 6:12
  Speaker 3: I'm feeling a bit nervous. I love the idea of
• 6:14
  Speaker 3: doing this reading on the podcast. We've never done anything
• 6:17
  Speaker 3: like this before. I'm going to keep it short, but
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  Speaker 3: because I'd like to read the whole book in some ways.
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  Speaker 3: But I do also want to highlight that this particular
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  Speaker 3: thing that I'm going to read is very hard for
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  Speaker 3: me to read. I hate the story, I hate telling it.
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  Speaker 3: I'm very sensitive about it, and I wish it had
• 6:33
  Speaker 3: never happened. But in spite of that, I know that
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  Speaker 3: it resonates with a lot of people. So here we go.
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  Speaker 3: This is from my book twenty one Days to a
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  Speaker 3: Happier Family by me doctor Justin Colson. Forward. We all
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  Speaker 3: have moments with our children that we wish we could
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  Speaker 3: take back. It was one of those moments that acted
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  Speaker 3: as a critical pivot point in my life and my families.
• 6:55
  Speaker 3: Most parenting books don't start with the confession from the author,
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  Speaker 3: but if you're struggling in your family, I want you
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  Speaker 3: to know that I've been there, and I often still am.
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  Speaker 3: I've made the mistakes I do understand. As young dad,
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  Speaker 3: I was struggling. My idea of child rearing was to
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  Speaker 3: have cute children who would bring me joy, grow up,
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  Speaker 3: go to school, become teenagers. And that's that I'd clearly
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  Speaker 3: never contemplated the realities of parenting. I knew that other
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  Speaker 3: people had challenges with their children, but I guess those
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  Speaker 3: parents had no idea how to say no to their children,
• 7:24
  Speaker 3: that they were complete pushovers. My expectation was that now
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  Speaker 3: and then my children would need to be told to
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  Speaker 3: change their behavior and my demands would be met. End
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  Speaker 3: of story, with no preparation for parenthood and no idea
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  Speaker 3: about what I was doing when the children arrived. It's
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  Speaker 3: probably no surprise that my experience failed to match my expectations.
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  Speaker 3: Having a baby was a joy at times, but dealing
• 7:47
  Speaker 3: with sleepless nights, severe reflux, feeding challenges, and the other
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  Speaker 3: usual issues left me feeling out of my depth. Using
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  Speaker 3: naivity as a shield for my incompetence, I passed all
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  Speaker 3: child rearing duties to my wife, Kylie. Fortunately, Kylie was
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  Speaker 3: better prepared, but it was having a toddle that really
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  Speaker 3: sent me into a spin. Within months of our first
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  Speaker 3: daughter beginning to assert a desire for independent thought and action,
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  Speaker 3: I became an angry disciplinarian. I threatened, I yelled, I
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  Speaker 3: withdrew privileges from a toddler, and I smacked regularly. And
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  Speaker 3: I could not be told by anyone how I might
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  Speaker 3: deal with the situation better. My toddler had become the enemy,
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  Speaker 3: and from my perspective, had to be broken in the
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  Speaker 3: same way a cowboy breaks in a horse. Toddlerhood, I decided,
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  Speaker 3: had to be defeated, and it was my job to
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  Speaker 3: tame my daughter and make sure she understood who was boss.
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  Speaker 3: You've become very hard justin My grandmother gently chided me,
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  Speaker 3: and I agreed, You've got to be otherwise the little
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  Speaker 3: rats will run riot all over you. None was unimpressed
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  Speaker 3: with my response. My mother in law suggested a softer approach.
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  Speaker 3: She has to learn was my instant rebuttal. My refusal
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  Speaker 3: to listen to those with wisdom and experience only highlighted
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  Speaker 3: my immaturity. I knew better, But if I did know better,
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  Speaker 3: why was I struggling so badly? My punitive responses to
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  Speaker 3: my toddler's challenging behavior increased she turned three, the terrible
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  Speaker 3: twos migrated with her into a new, harder to deal
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  Speaker 3: with age bracket. As my toddler grew, I expected more
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  Speaker 3: of her, but she wasn't getting any easier to manage.
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  Speaker 3: And despite being aware that what I was doing wasn't working,
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  Speaker 3: I became increasingly convinced that I had to be hard
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  Speaker 3: on my daughter to stop those toddler tantrums. After all,
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  Speaker 3: if something doesn't work, you should do more of it
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  Speaker 3: to get a result, shouldn't you. One Saturday afternoon, Kylie
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  Speaker 3: left our two children with me while she ran a
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  Speaker 3: short errand our baby Abby was just a couple of
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  Speaker 3: months old. Chanell was three years older to the day me.
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  Speaker 3: I'd been up late the night before and only slept
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  Speaker 3: a handful of hours before getting up for work at
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  Speaker 3: five am that Saturday morning. I was exhausted. Within moments
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  Speaker 3: of Kylie leaving, Shenell began to act up my efforts
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  Speaker 3: to come her by telling her to stop it now,
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  Speaker 3: we're ineffective. Her tantrum escalated. Her fraught emotions were contagious,
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  Speaker 3: and it didn't take any time at all for me
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  Speaker 3: to catch the intensity of them. As her tantrum began
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  Speaker 3: to build, I matched her upset with my anger. My
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  Speaker 3: first reaction was to threaten her. Then I moved on
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  Speaker 3: to punishing my three year old by locking her in
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  Speaker 3: her room. Next, I yelled and threatened because she was
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  Speaker 3: kicking the door. She responded with more anger, and so
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  Speaker 3: I opened the door and dragged her into the living room,
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  Speaker 3: where I smacked her several times hard. She had to
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  Speaker 3: learn a lesson. She had to respect me. I was
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  Speaker 3: in charge. It will come as no surprise to any
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  Speaker 3: experience parent that my discipline brought with it unintended consequences.
• 10:44
  Speaker 3: Chanell became louder. She screamed more rather than less. She
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  Speaker 3: cried and for some reason I'd expected something different. Now
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  Speaker 3: I was scared the baby would wake up. My anger increased,
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  Speaker 3: and my response was furious. I forced Chanell back into
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  Speaker 3: her bedroom and threw her onto her bed. Amitd a
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  Speaker 3: torrid combination of my venomous threats and her frightened and
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  Speaker 3: angry screams, cries and tears. Angry at her and angry
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  Speaker 3: at myself. I held the door by the handle as
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  Speaker 3: she sobbed, kicked, and tried to get out of her room.
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  Speaker 3: I hated being out of control, and I hated her
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  Speaker 3: for making me feel and act this way. Yet something
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  Speaker 3: told me that Chanel had not made me do anything.
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  Speaker 3: In my heart, I knew that I was responsible for
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  Speaker 3: how I had behaved, not her. She was acting like
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  Speaker 3: a toddler and me I was having as big a
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  Speaker 3: tantrum as she was, only I was double her height
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  Speaker 3: and seven times her weight. I had betrayed her with
• 11:38
  Speaker 3: my anger, but I had also betrayed myself, and I
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  Speaker 3: had used her as a justification for my angry behavior.
• 11:46
  Speaker 3: As I hung on to that door handle, the light
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  Speaker 3: bulb moment occurred. This is not how a father ought
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  Speaker 3: to treat his child. A quote came to mind. The
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  Speaker 3: only time my father should lay his hands on his
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  Speaker 3: chill children is to bless them, and I was falling short.
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  Speaker 3: My hands were anything but a blessing to my little one.
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  Speaker 3: If I was being like this with a three year old,
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  Speaker 3: how was I going to survive with a sixteen year old?
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  Speaker 3: And how would she survive when she now finally stopped
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  Speaker 3: fighting with the door handle, and I guess helplessly succumbed
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  Speaker 3: to her bedroom prison. I walked into the backyard for
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  Speaker 3: some air and some clarity. With my back against the door,
• 12:24
  Speaker 3: I stared at the overgrown former vegetable patch of our
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  Speaker 3: rental property and tried to drink in the newfound of
• 12:30
  Speaker 3: peace of this quiet, sunny Queensland afternoon. But there was
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  Speaker 3: no peace inside me, only guilt induced emotional pain. I
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  Speaker 3: am a bad father.
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  Speaker 1: I knew it.
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  Speaker 3: In spite of all of the wonderful interactions I'd had
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  Speaker 3: with my daughter, I was getting it wrong every time
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  Speaker 3: her behavior became challenging, and I had no idea what
• 12:52
  Speaker 3: to do about it. My impatient responses lacked any semblance
• 12:55
  Speaker 3: of understanding, perspective, compassion, or kindness. I was only interested
• 13:00
  Speaker 3: in stopping her from being so damn inconvenient. The only
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  Speaker 3: tool I was using was my power to coerce and control,
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  Speaker 3: and the power struggles were harming her trust in me.
• 13:09
  Speaker 3: I also knew Kylie was wondering what kind of person
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  Speaker 3: she'd married. I was failing my family. The epiphany was
• 13:16
  Speaker 3: completed when I heard a tremendous fight happening in a
• 13:19
  Speaker 3: backyard a few doors down. Her father was screaming at
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  Speaker 3: a toddler whose tantrum was at full force. Within moments,
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  Speaker 3: it was as though my previous interactions with my daughter
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  Speaker 3: were being replayed so that I could witness exactly how
• 13:31
  Speaker 3: my behavior sounded. And it's done.
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  Speaker 2: I know that that's a really hard experience for you to.
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  Speaker 3: Share it now. I'm sitting here with wet eyes. For
• 13:40
  Speaker 3: goodness sakes, I hate sharing that experience because I feel
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  Speaker 3: so much regret.
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  Speaker 2: I think the thing that resonates with anyone who reads
• 13:48
  Speaker 2: it is just being exactly in that place at some
• 13:51
  Speaker 2: point in time as a parent and feeling so inadequate
• 13:55
  Speaker 2: to deal with the challenges that arise for each of us.
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  Speaker 2: So I'm really grateful for that experience, because that experience
• 14:05
  Speaker 2: literally transformed our family that day.
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  Speaker 1: It did.
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  Speaker 3: It led to Eve had to some big changes, and
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  Speaker 3: we still make any claims to parenting perfection. We still
• 14:16
  Speaker 3: get it wrong so much. Look at us, these two
• 14:19
  Speaker 3: weeping messes. But the book is called twenty one Days
• 14:22
  Speaker 3: to a Happier Family. You can get it online everywhere.
• 14:24
  Speaker 3: You can pop into bookstores. I'm sure that they'll be
• 14:26
  Speaker 3: able to grab hold of the copy for you as well,
• 14:28
  Speaker 3: and we would love for you to. Oh, you can
• 14:29
  Speaker 3: even get it at happy families dot com dot you.
• 14:32
  Speaker 3: You probably pay more. We can't seem to get it
• 14:34
  Speaker 3: as cheap as some of the other retailers, but it's
• 14:36
  Speaker 3: available pretty much wherever you want to find good books.
• 14:38
  Speaker 3: Twenty one Days to a Happier Family. Thanks for indulging
• 14:41
  Speaker 3: me and letting me read. And Kathy, thanks so much
• 14:43
  Speaker 3: for that email podcast at Happy Families dot com dot
• 14:46
  Speaker 3: a you. We love your feedback coming through and we
• 14:48
  Speaker 3: hope there's been a helpful podcast. We appreciate Justin roll
• 14:51
  Speaker 3: On from Bridge Media for making it sound great. Craig Bruce,
• 14:54
  Speaker 3: our executive producer, thanks for all of your effort, time
• 14:57
  Speaker 3: and interest in the work that we do making the
• 15:00
  Speaker 3: podcast what it is today. If you'd like more information
• 15:03
  Speaker 3: about how we can make your family happier. You can
• 15:05
  Speaker 3: get that at happy families dot com dot au.