Latest / LAUNCH: Parenting Tips for Raising Adult Children & Building Better Relationships / #29: You’re Only as Happy as Your Saddest Child - But Is That Holding You Back from Helping Them?

Transcript

#29: You’re Only as Happy as Your Saddest Child - But Is That Holding You Back from Helping Them? · LAUNCH: Parenting Tips for Raising Adult Children & Building Better Relationships

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: If you're a parent of an adult child, worried and frustrated because they are struggling to become independent, responsible, and find purpose in their life, or you want to know what to do to prevent it, you're in the right place.
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_00: This is Launch, a podcast that helps you guide your adult child to launch confidently into adulthood.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sherry Jones, author, educator, and co-parenting consultant, taking a deep dive into the ongoing challenges that you're faced with as you watch your adult child struggle.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: Each episode will deliver actionable steps and strategies that you can take to help your young adult become confident, motivated, and self-sufficient.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_00: Parents, if you want your adult child to achieve a life of independence, thrive in this world, and reach their full potential, then listen in to Launch.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sherry Jonas, and this is Launch, a podcast that offers parenting advice for raising adult children and building a better relationship with them.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_00: There's a part of me that still feels this way, because, like you, I'm a parent who loves their children deeply.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: But I've also come to understand how unhelpful and even unhealthy this statement can be.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_00: So for any parent that has ever said, I'm only as happy as my saddest child, this episode is for you.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_00: The reason I've decided to talk about it is because in the previous episode, my guest, Kim Minch, and I were sharing our thoughts on why so many parents have such low self-confidence.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_00: And we concluded that a large part of it is rooted in fear.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_00: But where does that fear come from?
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_00: What makes a parent so afraid to lead their own kid?
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_00: And that's when I brought up emotional enmeshment.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_00: I only touched on it, I really didn't give it the attention that it needs.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_00: But the truth is it's a really big problem and it's getting in the way of parents who want to guide their young adults and not just out of the bedrooms, but into adulthood.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_00: So let's address it, and you can decide if this resonates with you.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_00: You see, when you discover something about yourself that you didn't realize, you get to decide do I want to change or leave it as is.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_00: By the end of this episode, you'll be able to make that choice.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_00: So let's get into what emotional enmeshment really is, how to know if it's keeping you and your adult child stuck, and how to start untangling yourself from their emotions so you can be the parent you want to be, one who leads with confidence, clarity, and strength.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_00: Because at the end of the day, you're either part of the problem or part of the solution.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_00: So, first the explanation.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_00: What is emotional enmeshment?
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_00: Do you remember when your toddler would fall and scrape their knee at the park?
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_00: They'd come running into your arms with alligator tears sort of pouring down their face.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_00: You can feel their pain, so you hug them, kiss their boo-boo, and off they go, like nothing ever happened.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_00: You're a bit rattled, but they're okay, so you regroup.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_00: For a moment, though, it felt like you were the one whose knee was scraped, that their pain was inside your body.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_00: At least it felt that way for me.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_00: As they grow up, they come to you with bigger issues, the ones that are harder to clean up, where the hug or the kissing it better just doesn't cut it.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe they get bullied.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_00: Someone breaks their heart, they fail something, they're sad, anxious, disappointed, discouraged, filled with self-doubt, and riddled with insecurity.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_00: And you feel it all.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_00: It's like their emotions and your emotions get tangled up into one big ball.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_00: You're not sitting on the sidelines anymore or on that park bench.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_00: You're right in there with them.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_00: And that's what emotional enmeshment is, when you feel their emotions so deeply that they become your own.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_00: Sure, on the surface, it feels like love and support, but enmeshment is actually the opposite of what our kids need from us.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_00: Because when we're too emotionally wrapped up in their feelings and experiences, we're getting in the way.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_00: We're preventing them from learning how to self-regulate, to problem solve, and to develop resiliency.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_00: Instead, we're enabling them to stay stuck.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_00: Years ago, I had a friend, and although we're not in touch anymore, I will always remember this quality about her.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_00: Whenever I would share a story, one that was riddled with emotion, she was so good at chiming in to support me.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_00: You know the type, right?
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_00: You tell them something like, Can you believe what so-and-so did after I said this?
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_00: And then they immediately go off, almost as if it had happened to them.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, it was all very affirming, and I appreciated it to a degree.
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_00: Because here's what's wrong with that.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_00: Her reaction actually riled me up even more.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_00: She was trying so hard to relate to me, to be compassionate, that she went over the top, escalating my emotions.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_00: But in truth, that wasn't what I was looking for.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't need that WWE tag team type of support.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_00: What I needed was a calming voice where I felt heard and validated, but still allowing me to work through it.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_00: That's what it means to give someone space.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_00: So when parents are so emotionally enmeshed in their child's life, it becomes difficult for the child to figure things out on their own.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_00: That's why emotional enmeshment, while it comes from love, can quietly hold our kids back from growing up.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_00: But it also impacts the parents as well.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_00: Now, just so I'm clear, being emotionally supportive to your child is good.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_00: Every child needs to feel that.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_00: It starts off when they're babies, right?
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_00: Before their language skills develop.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_00: We need to tune in to their emotions so we can tell when they're hungry, tired, or not feeling well.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_00: We are their nurturer, their protector, their provider.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_00: And that's all part of parenting a small child.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_00: But as they grow up, they need to start figuring this out on their own.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_00: First, so they can tell us what they want or feel, and then eventually start managing their own needs.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_00: That's when they develop emotional independence.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_00: It's healthy for our kids to separate themselves from us, not only to discover who they are, but to manage their emotions, solve their own problems, and feel like they're the master of their domain.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_00: That's what builds confidence.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_00: I remember so clearly when my daughter started to do this, she had always been a mommy's girl, attached to my hip, happy to hang out with me and go with me wherever I went.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_00: But one day in her preteen years, it dawned on me that she was pulling away.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_00: And because I knew that this is a natural and necessary part of childhood, seeing herself as separate from me with her own style, personality, and preferences, I didn't get upset.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, I embraced it because I knew that it was good for her.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_00: The emotional connection between a parent and child is very symbiotic when they're young, because in those early years, they're completely dependent on us.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_00: But that is just a stage in their development.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_00: Eventually, they need to separate their identity from ours and become their own person.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_00: But for some parents, this is not easy, and there's a reason why.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_00: But before I get into it, I want to share a few signs of what emotional enmeshment looks like in a parent.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_00: At first, it might not be that noticeable because it shows up in subtle ways.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_00: Your child is upset about something that happened at school, they're working through it, but somehow you feel anxious all day.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_00: When they're afraid to do something, instead of you helping them to overcome it, you remember a time when you felt fearful.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_00: Perhaps no one cared.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_00: So you do the complete opposite.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_00: You let them sit in their fear.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_00: And when they're worried, you feel worried.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_00: And so only as happy as your saddest child becomes your mantra.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_00: There are other signs.
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_00: You don't enforce boundaries because you're afraid they'll get mad or shut you down.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_00: You walk on eggshells, trying not to stir things up or set them off.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_00: It's as if you can't do anything to help them in this state, because you feel just as powerless as they do.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_00: And the end result is your confidence takes a hit.
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_00: You second guess yourself.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_00: You live in fear, fear of conflict, fear of being seen as uncaring, fear that something terrible might happen.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_00: You're not leading anymore.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_00: You're trying too hard to keep the peace, their peace.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_00: And you say yes when everything in you wants to say no.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_00: You're so worried that you are physically and emotionally exhausted all the time.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_00: And that's why it's not good for parents to become entangled in their children's emotions.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_00: Our kids need us to be confident and capable so we can lead them through these difficult times.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, don't we all want to be the parent that our kids turn to for guidance or just a listening ear?
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_00: What is the reason why some parents struggle with emotional enmeshment and others don't?
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_00: Well, let's look at what the research tells us.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_00: Salvador Minuchin was the first family systems therapist who defined enmeshment.
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_00: He found that parents who struggle the most have unresolved anxiety and unmet needs from their own childhood.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_00: You see, when a parent has never had someone to soothe them, they overcompensate with their child.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_00: Other research shows that parents who become over involved emotionally have a fear of being rejected by their adult child.
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_00: So they don't lead them.
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, they allow them to do that.
• 10:43
  SPEAKER_00: And that's not always the best choice.
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_00: So you see, emotional enmeshment doesn't come out of nowhere.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_00: It starts with a parent who deeply loves their child, but who might also be carrying something unhealed inside themselves.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_00: I want you to think about that for a second.
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_00: If you can just step back, even just a little, you will start making decisions about what they need from a place of calm confidence instead of emotional enmeshment.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_00: That's love with healthy boundaries.
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_00: That's parenting with leadership.
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_00: All right, let's do some reframing here.
• 11:24
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm going to offer you a few suggestions if you want to change your current approach.
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_00: But first of all, separating your emotions, untangling the enmeshment is not going to happen overnight.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_00: When you spent years emotionally absorbing your child's pain, frustration, or anxiety, just the idea of you pulling back might make you feel guilty, like you're abandoning them, like you're not being a good parent.
• 11:51
  SPEAKER_00: But let me reassure you, emotional separation is not rejection.
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_00: It's an act of love.
• 11:59
  SPEAKER_00: It's you saying, I'm going to help you face your challenges and grow.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_00: This will not make you a less supportive parent.
• 12:08
  SPEAKER_00: On the contrary, you're going to become much more effective.
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_00: So here we go.
• 12:13
  SPEAKER_00: Here are a few suggestions.
• 12:15
  SPEAKER_00: First, I want you to notice when your mood shifts because of theirs.
• 12:20
  SPEAKER_00: And then I want you to stop yourself when you realize that you're absorbing their state of mind.
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_00: Don't let them bring you down.
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_00: Instead, you bring your energy to them.
• 12:32
  SPEAKER_00: Pause before always reacting.
• 12:35
  SPEAKER_00: Your child doesn't need you to fix everything.
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_00: What they need is for you to stay calm and firm.
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_00: And when the guilt creeps in, remind yourself, I'm allowed to stay grounded and be happy.
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not being insensitive.
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_00: I'm being a good parent for them.
• 12:53
  SPEAKER_00: Before you make any decision to do something or not to do something, I want you to ask yourself, is this helping them grow?
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_00: That's really your North Star, you know, because sometimes the most supportive thing you can do is to not rescue them, to not let them off the hook, to not join them in their suffering, to not give in.
• 13:18
  SPEAKER_00: When they're hungry, don't bring food into their room.
• 13:23
  SPEAKER_00: When they won't go see a doctor, don't say, I can't force them while they're sitting in their room gaming or on their cell phone.
• 13:31
  SPEAKER_00: When they won't look for a job, who is supporting them?
• 13:35
  SPEAKER_00: How do they get money to smoke weed or drink?
• 13:40
  SPEAKER_00: You can take things away.
• 13:43
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to let them live the way they want to live just because you're too afraid.
• 13:48
  SPEAKER_00: Here's my last suggestion.
• 13:51
  SPEAKER_00: When you hear other parents who have come through this, who have learned to step back without disconnecting or follow through with something and it made a difference, it's so inspiring.
• 14:04
  SPEAKER_00: So join a support group and listen to what others have done.
• 14:08
  SPEAKER_00: Or find a coach, take a course, but don't do nothing about it anymore.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_00: All right, I think you're ready to make a decision to stay enmeshed or to break free and find your voice again.
• 14:25
  SPEAKER_00: I want to leave you with these final thoughts.
• 14:27
  SPEAKER_00: And if you need to read them again, I'll put them in the show notes.
• 14:31
  SPEAKER_00: These are gentle reminders as you go along this process.
• 14:36
  SPEAKER_00: My child doesn't need me to feel what they're feeling.
• 14:41
  SPEAKER_00: They need me to lead them through it.
• 14:43
  SPEAKER_00: My child doesn't want me to be weak.
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_00: They want me to show them emotional strength.
• 14:49
  SPEAKER_00: My child won't learn or grow or change if I just let them stay stuck and lost.
• 14:57
  SPEAKER_00: My child needs a parent who can lead with confidence.
• 15:02
  SPEAKER_00: And that's me.
• 15:04
  SPEAKER_00: On a personal note, I am so glad you're here.
• 15:07
  SPEAKER_00: I know this process isn't easy, but like I said earlier, you're either part of the problem or part of the solution.
• 15:16
  SPEAKER_00: So if you're ready to do the work that will help your adult child get out of their room and into the world, I'm working on a course, a step-by-step roadmap designed specifically for parents just like you, and it's coming out soon.
• 15:31
  SPEAKER_00: So you can add yourself to the wait list using the link in the show notes, and you'll be the first to know when it's ready.
• 15:38
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for listening.
• 15:40
  SPEAKER_00: And remember to hit the follow button so you never miss an episode.
• 15:45
  SPEAKER_00: And as always, please share this with someone who needs to hear it.
• 15:49
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sherry Jonas, and this is Launch.
• 15:55
  SPEAKER_00: I hope today's episode gave you valuable insights and actionable steps that will help you guide your young adult to launch successfully into adulthood.
• 16:04
  SPEAKER_00: If you found this topic helpful, feel free to leave a comment and hit the subscribe button so you never miss an episode.
• 16:11
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• 16:16
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• 16:25
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• 16:29
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• 16:34
  SPEAKER_00: And remember, no one ever said parenting is easy, especially when you're raising an adult.
• 16:40
  SPEAKER_00: Talk to you soon.