Latest / feel your feelings with Ethan Jewell / how your depression is lying to you.

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how your depression is lying to you. · feel your feelings with Ethan Jewell

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  When was the last time that you felt like yourself?
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  Not happy necessarily, just you present grounded, like you
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  recognize the person in the mirror.
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  Can you remember that? For some, the memory is recent,
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  for others might be struggling to find it, Like you're reaching
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  through some kind of fog and you're not totally sure what
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  you're looking for anymore. If this sounds like you, you're
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  not alone. Depression can rewrite your
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  personality. It can literally change who you
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  are, how you feel, what you think and how you view yourself.
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  And nobody is talking about that.
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  My name is Ethan Jewell and welcome back to Feel Your
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  Feelings. When we talk about depression,
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  everyone knows about the sadness, everyone knows about
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  the heavy feeling, the loneliness, the the crushing
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  weight, the losing interest in your hobbies.
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  But nobody talks about the quiet stuff, the sneaky stuff.
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  My personal experience with depression felt completely
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  unreal looking back it it snuck its way into my life.
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  It stole my personality, it stole my identity, and then it
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  convinced me that it was always this way.
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  Depression is a liar, and it is really, really good at its job.
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  We have the specific image in our heads of what depression
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  looks like. Somebody in bed, curtains drawn,
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  crying, unable to function. And yes, that is depression.
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  But that's only one version of it.
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  And that's just what it looks like on the outside, because
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  depression also looks like somebody who is killing it at
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  work, but only because staying busy is the only way to outrun
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  their own mind. It looks like the life of the
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  party who goes home and feels absolutely nothing.
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  It looks like the parent who gets every single thing done for
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  their kids and then sits in the parking lot of a grocery store
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  for 20 minutes because they just can't make themselves go inside.
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  It looks like being fine, Totally fine.
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  I'm good. How are you fine?
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  High functioning depression is one of the loneliest experiences
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  that a human can have. Because on the outside, you look
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  totally OK, and so people assume that you are.
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  And after a while of that, you begin to assume that maybe you
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  should just be OK. You begin to wonder if you're
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  just making it up, if you're being dramatic.
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  But you're not. You're just struggling in a way
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  that's really hard to see, even for yourself.
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  That's why it's so hard to recognize.
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  Depression is so good at hiding. It's so good at tucking into the
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  back of your mind and affecting you every single day.
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  But then the moment you turn attention on it, the moment you
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  begin to question it, it disappears.
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  It becomes part of you. It convinces yourself that you
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  are this way, and that makes it so hard to spot.
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  Depression doesn't just affect how you feel right now.
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  It goes back in time and it can edit your memories.
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  And that's not a metaphor. That's how the brain works.
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  When you're depressed, your brain preferentially recalls
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  negative memories. It filters your entire history
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  through a dark lens. Things that were genuinely good
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  moments of joy, connection, achievement, and love get
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  minimized. Or they show up stripped of any
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  feeling, like you're watching them happen to somebody else.
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  And what gets amplified? Every failure, Every
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  embarrassing moment. Every time you felt unloved or
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  inadequate or out of place. So depression begins to build
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  this false case against you. It presents you with the
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  greatest hits of your worst moments and says, see, this is
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  who you've always been. This is the real story.
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  And because it's using your actual memories, things that
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  really happened, it's incredibly convincing.
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  Depression is one of the best liars out there.
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  You don't realize that the evidence has been tampered with
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  that version of yourself that you used to be.
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  You're now questioning if it was even real.
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  Maybe you've always been this way, but you haven't.
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  Your mental struggles are doing that and they are an unreliable
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  narrator of your story. This next one I experienced and
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  I've heard many other people experience too, and it is truly
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  heartbreaking about depression. Depression doesn't just make you
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  sad. It makes you less.
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  Less curious, less creative, less interested, less present,
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  less warm. Things that used to light you up
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  go quiet. Your sense of humor, the one
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  that came naturally, effortlessly.
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  It starts to feel like work. Your creativity dries up.
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  Your interest in the hobbies that you used to love just
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  evaporates. And the cruelest part?
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  Depression doesn't announce that it's taken these things from
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  you. It doesn't say, hey, I stole
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  your spark. It just slowly, quietly dims you
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  and then lets you believe that this dimmer, flatter version is
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  just who you are now. People say things like I used to
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  be so creative but I guess I just grew out of it, or I used
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  to be more fun. But I think I'm just more of an
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  introvert than I thought. Or I was never really that
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  happy. I think I just didn't know
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  myself as well back then. No, that's the depression
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  talking. That is not the truth.
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  The way you used to light up about the things that you love,
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  that's still there. The you that used to make people
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  laugh until their sides hurt, that's still in there.
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  The you that felt wonder, excitement, connection, it's
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  still there. Your mental struggles have just
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  dimmed that that depression borrowed it.
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  It didn't take it permanently. This is not your personality
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  changing. This is not you growing up or
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  getting realistic or finally seeing the world clearly.
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  This is depression quietly, methodically convincing you that
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  it is you. But you are not the fog.
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  You are not your feelings. You are what's underneath it.
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  And that person, the real 1, is still there.
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  I promise you, they're still there.
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  They never went anywhere. They're just being covered.
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  Depression is strong. It is powerful, but it is not
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  you. There's something else that gets
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  left out of the depression conversation entirely, and that
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  is anger. We don't typically associate
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  depression with anger, but for a lot of people, particularly men,
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  but anyone, depression doesn't just primarily show up as
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  sadness. It shows up as irritability,
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  frustration, a short fuse that wasn't there before.
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  I remember when I was the most depressed, I got angry and that
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  was new for me. I have never been an angry
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  person. I never snap at people, but
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  suddenly I was snapping at people I love for no reason.
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  You know, small inconveniences feel unbearable.
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  You feel this kind of low grade rage that you can't quite
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  explain and can't quite shake. It just becomes your baseline.
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  And because anger doesn't look like what we expect depression
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  to look like, people miss it entirely.
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  Partners think there's a relationship problem.
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  Friends think that maybe you've just become difficult in you.
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  You just feel like something's wrong with you, like you become
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  someone you don't recognize. And that anger and depression is
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  often grief in disguise. It's the pain of losing
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  yourself, the pain of feeling out of control, the pain of
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  caring so much and feeling so helpless, and it comes out
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  sideways because there's nowhere else for it to go.
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  So if you've been angrier than usual lately and you can't
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  explain why, please just sit with it for a moment.
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  Not to judge it, just to ask, what is this anger protecting?
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  Another misunderstood part of depression that I want to talk
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  about is something called anhedonia.
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  Anhedonia is the loss of the ability to feel pleasure.
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  It's not sadness, it's the absence of joy.
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  The flat, colorless feeling of doing things that used to make
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  you happy and feeling nothing. Like your favorite song comes on
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  and you sit there waiting for that feeling that it used to
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  bring you, and then it doesn't show up.
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  Or you're with people that you love and you feel strangely numb
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  and separate. You achieve something that you
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  are hard for and you feel nothing but hollow.
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  And this is terrifying in a way that's really hard to describe
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  because at least sadness is a feeling, but anhedonia is the
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  absence of feeling, and it can make you wonder if something has
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  permanently broken inside of you.
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  It hasn't. I want to say that clearly
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  anhedonia is a symptom. It is the brain under immense
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  stress going into a kind of emotional power save mode, and
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  it is not permanent. It is not who you are.
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  It is a sign that your nervous system needs support.
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  But when you're in it, it is one of the loneliest, most
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  disorienting places to be. Because how do you explain to
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  someone that you feel nothing? How do you ask for help when the
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  thing you're experiencing is a profound, echoing absence?
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  What you do is you find the words.
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  You say I feel empty and I don't know why, and you let that be
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  enough to start. So what do we do now that we've
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  peeled back all these layers of depression and what it's
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  actually doing to us? What do we do?
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  I want to be honest with you. I'm not going to give you some
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  five step solution because depression doesn't work that way
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  and I would rather give you honesty than false comfort.
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  But in my personal experience with depression, here's what I
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  know to be true. Naming it matters.
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  Calling it what it is. I am depressed.
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  This is depression talking. This is not reality.
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  That creates a tiny but real gap between you and the story that
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  depression is telling. And that gap is where healing
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  lives. Connection also matters, even if
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  it's the last thing you want. Not performing OK Ness for other
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  people, but finding one safe person and saying something true
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  like I'm struggling, I'm not OK. I just need someone to be with
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  me for a moment. That is not weakness.
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  That is one of the bravest things a human can do.
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  Professional support matters. Therapy, medication, psychiatry,
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  they're tools. And if one tool doesn't work for
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  you, that's information that you need.
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  There are different therapists, different approaches, different
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  options. You deserve to keep looking
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  until something fits and small things matter.
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  Not as a cure, but as an anchor. A short walk, one good meal, 10
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  minutes outside. Not because those things fix
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  depression, that's unrealistic, but because they remind you that
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  your body is still alive, and that being alive has texture and
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  sensation and something worth feeling.
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  Depression wants to convince you that nothing will help, but that
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  is the illness talking. That is the lie.
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  People recover from depression. People get their color back.
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  People find themselves again on the other side of this, even if
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  the depression stays with them. They find a way to live,
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  including people who are feeling exactly the way that you are
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  right now. You are not alone, and you have
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  the ability to recover. Whatever you're feeling has a
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  name, and it has a reason, and it is not the final word on who
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  you are. If you're struggling right now
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  and you need someone to talk to, please reach out to a mental
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  health professional, a trusted person in your life, or the
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  mental health Crisis Lifeline. You are not alone and depression
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  is not who you are. That's going to wrap it up for
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  today's episode. Thank you so much for being
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  here. If you enjoy this podcast and
• 11:24
  you want to support it, one of the best ways you can do that is
• 11:26
  by getting merch. I'll link it in the description.
• 11:29
  Also, if you need help feeling your feelings, please check out
• 11:31
  my music on all platforms under the name of Ethan Jewell.
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  I almost guarantee it'll make you cry.
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  Also, drop me a comment and let me know your thoughts and your
• 11:41
  experiences on this topic. I would love to start the
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  conversation, so thank you so much for being here.
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  Thank you for understanding that depression does not define you.
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  And as always, thank you for feeling your feelings.
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  I'll see you next time.