Latest / Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell / Key Things That Will Change Your Experience of Divorce - Part 2

Transcript

Key Things That Will Change Your Experience of Divorce - Part 2 · Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell

• 0:08
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate the Podcast.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_00: Finding the space for all of you in life and love.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: I'm your host, Sally Allen Hartmann, and this podcast is for anyone wanting to reclaim and liberate themselves in their relationships and their life.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_00: Wherever you are on your relationship journey, these conversations meet you right there in thoughtful, deeply supportive DNMs with me and interviews with other gorgeous humans, moving you from where you are to where you most want to be.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: Life and love completely aligned with your deepest desires to have it all on your own terms.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: If you're seeking a relationship and a life that lights up all of you, you're in the right place.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: I'd also like to acknowledge that this podcast is recorded on the traditional lands of the Wurrentry people and pay my respects to elders past, present, and emerging and acknowledge them as the original storytellers of this land.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to this week's episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Deliberate.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_00: And today it is part two of Key Things That Will Change Your Experience of Divorce.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_00: Today's key things are scaffold yourself, have something that is pulling you forward, deep trust, and freedom.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_00: So let's dive into them one at a time.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_00: Scaffold yourself.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_00: When I talk about scaffolding, I talk about building a team, a community, having supporters, having cheerleaders, having catchers around you.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_00: Build your divorce team consciously.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_00: Create a cocoon, a village, community, whatever you want to call it around yourself.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_00: Now these are both paid and unpaid members, I guess, of your community, your team.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_00: Friends, family, absolutely are in there, colleagues at work, perhaps HR or EAP experts in your particular workplace, whoever you can lean on and access support from in an unpaid capacity, really important.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_00: Build them consciously, build them carefully, choose them wisely, keep them close.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_00: These are your catches, your inner circle.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_00: Choose them well so they can also call you out when you flip into BS or victim or self-pity mode.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_00: Know that they will hold space for you and also catch you in those dark moments, middle of the night moments, crying on the floor moments, and also they'll nudge you towards that future.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_00: Now, as well as your unpaid supporters, we need paid supporters.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_00: This can range from anything from a nanny for your kids or a babysitter to someone to clean the gutters or mow the lawns, or um I even include you know, meal delivery or meal prep kits, anything that you can invest financially in to make your life easier.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_00: Of course, I'm also going to say a specialist family law expert, be that a lawyer, a mediator, possibly both, financial advisors, financial advisor that you can fully trust, who is completely on your side, or if you're in the collaborative process, a financial neutral, an independent financial neutral who can step both of you through the unraveling of your finances.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_00: All the things, um, perhaps a therapist for you, for your kids, and of course, I'm gonna say definitely throw a coach into that mix.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_00: Build your people, build your scaffolding, your team, your people around you, and having that core of people, both paid and unpaid, to support you will change your experience of divorce.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_00: It's not something that is easy to do solo.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_00: So build your team consciously and create that support and scaffolding around yourself.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_00: The next thing that will really change your experience of divorce is having something that is pulling you forward, something you are looking forward to, having that vision for your own future.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_00: Let's face it, divorce is pretty shit, even if you chose it for yourself.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_00: You're letting go of what you thought you'd have, the life you believed you were creating together, and that's hard.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_00: So redefine this.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_00: You need something that is powerfully pulling you forward, like a lighthouse to look towards.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_00: And yes, that can be something really simple like a divorce party or a celebration or a holiday or a weekend away.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_00: But when I work with clients, we go really deep and wide and get super clear on what this is life after divorce.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_00: What is this life of yours going to look and feel like in two, five, ten, even twenty years' time?
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_00: Because that's where you're headed.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_00: This is where you're headed.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_00: Not the negotiation, not mediation, not hopefully court, not you know, having your property settlement document signed and submitted, not having your parenting plan in place and your divorce finalized through the court.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_00: What are you actually moving towards?
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_00: What's out there in the future for you, pulling you forward?
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_00: And it's going to be very individual for each one of us, each one of you.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_00: How does your life look and feel in that future point?
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_00: Having something you are really deeply connected to, pulling you toward it, pulling you forward, changes your experience of divorce.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, you're in the messy part.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, it's hard and it's painful, and it's uncomfortable and it's overwhelming, it's all the things, and there's a lot that's shitty about it.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_00: And also get clear on what it is on the other side for you.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_00: It's out there waiting for you, it's pulling you forward, and having that thing, having that vision is so crucial to changing the way you experience the messy parts, the way you move through the crappy parts, the hard parts, knowing where you're headed, knowing what's on the other side is critical in changing your behavior, your experience, your feelings, your emotions while you're in the hard stuff.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't minimize the hard, but you know where you're headed and you've got this thing out there, this vision for your life that's really pulling you, pulling you forward, heart and soul, right?
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_00: Pulling you forward.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_00: The next thing that will really shift and change your experience of divorce as you navigate it is deep trust.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_00: Deep trust.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_00: And firstly, I'm talking about self-trust, and secondly, trusting in the vision that you do have for your own future.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_00: Now, self-trust can be really hard.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_00: It's possible, likely, that it's been it's taken a hit, right?
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_00: It's been weathered, it's eroded in your marriage or your relationship, and you know, you're listening to this may be wondering how you can possibly trust yourself to make sound decisions when you feel like you've messed up in such a big way already.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_00: You know, maybe you chose the wrong person, maybe you messed up and made decisions that you're not proud of in your relationship, in your marriage.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_00: Um, you know, so you're wondering how the hell, Sally Ann, can I possibly trust myself when all of this other messy stuff has gone on?
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_00: When I've made all of these other less than great decisions.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm not going to say bad decisions, I've made, you know, a whole lot of other decisions that have led me here, right where I am.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_00: So how can I possibly trust myself?
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_00: That is what absolutely needs to shift completely to change your experience of separation and divorce.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_00: And as hard as it is, and as um out of your reach as it might feel or sound when I say this, you need to lean in to self-trust.
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_00: You need to lean right into trusting yourself, lean into yourself.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, so it's an opportunity to acknowledge the mistakes, sure, but also look at where you've got it right.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_00: Look at where you have got it right in the past and also where you're getting it right right now.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_00: Look for evidence that you can trust yourself.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_00: It is important to when we're building trust, be that with another human or with ourselves, you need to be truthful, honest, right?
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_00: So do that with yourself.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_00: Be honest with yourself.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_00: Do it with self-compassion, but be honest.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_00: Acknowledge your mistakes, don't let yourself off the hook, but also don't be brutal or ruthless or or have black and white thinking about it either.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_00: Admit where you got it wrong and where you're gonna get it wrong again with compassion and kindness.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_00: Acknowledge that you can do better, and also acknowledge where you're allowing that to get in your own way, right?
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_00: So leaning into this or leaning out of self-trust and and not believing in yourself is actually one way we self-sabotage.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_00: We get in our own way.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, can't trust myself, can't trust myself, so I outsource my power, give it all away, maybe tip into victim mode, whatever it is for you.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_00: Try and catch yourself when you're doing it.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_00: Look for evidence that you can trust yourself, evidence that you've done really well in the past.
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_00: In order to really trust yourself, you need to work through your own thoughts and your own self-doubt.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_00: So I really encourage you to take time just to be with yourself.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_00: If you haven't already, go back and listen to the podcast episode where I have a conversation with Kerry Sackville about the power of being taking time alone, time in solitude.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_00: Take that time and grow to um enjoy your own company.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_00: You know, you can't have trust without communication, but if you never take that time to sit quietly with yourself and communicate with yourself and listen to yourself, you can't build trust with yourself, you can't build self-trust.
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_00: And self-trust means having self-confidence and self-love, and so all of that stuff will be out of reach if you never sit quietly with yourself.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_00: Again, go look for evidence that you can trust yourself.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_00: You know, keep it really simple.
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_00: You pour boiling water into a into a tea cup with a tea bag and you don't burn yourself, you don't spill it.
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_00: Look, you can trust yourself to make a cup of tea, you can trust yourself to cross a busy road or drive a car on the road, you can trust yourself to pick your child up safely and hold them while you cross the road, whatever it is.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_00: Find really simple ways, simple evidence that you can trust yourself.
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_00: You know, at work, I bet you make hundred decisions every or hundreds, thousands of decisions every day, and you trust yourself to do that at work.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_00: So build your bank of evidence that you are trustworthy, that you can trust yourself.
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_00: Our brain loves logical evidence.
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_00: So, and this evidence proves that you can trust yourself, and you do trust yourself in multiple times in multiple situations every day.
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_00: Again, you know what we focus on expands and all that.
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_00: So focus on the positives, focus on the areas, so many in your life, in your daily life, where you do trust yourself, not where you don't, and expand into self-trust.
• 11:35
  SPEAKER_00: And of course, lastly, I'm always going to say trust your intuition, your gut feel, that inner knowing, because it always there.
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_00: We've just got to learn to listen to it.
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_00: So pause each day, listen, notice.
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_00: It actually knows you already know what the next best step for you is.
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_00: So trusting yourself is also about allowing that inner voice in knowing to rise.
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_00: So do take the time to get quiet and listen to it.
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_00: Build your bank of evidence that you can trust yourself to do the right thing to do good things and make solid, grounded, empowered decisions.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_00: It's not always easy, particularly if you have taken a bit of a hit in terms of self-trust and self-love and self-care throughout the relationship, the marriage.
• 12:23
  SPEAKER_00: Just take it gently, step by step.
• 12:27
  SPEAKER_00: Know too that you are so far out of your comfort zone here, and being out of your comfort zone can get really noisy.
• 12:33
  SPEAKER_00: Those that voice in our head gets really, really noisy.
• 12:37
  SPEAKER_00: Just wants us to step back, stay safe, stay in our comfort zone.
• 12:40
  SPEAKER_00: But divorce, separation, all that comes with that, you are out of your comfort zone.
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_00: So get quiet, listen to your inner knowing.
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_00: It will guide you, you know, and sometimes, yes, it's going to guide you to make decisions that are even further outside of your comfort zone.
• 12:57
  SPEAKER_00: But just because a decision or a or an action is a little bit scary, it doesn't always mean it's the wrong one.
• 13:04
  SPEAKER_00: It's just outside of our comfort zone.
• 13:07
  SPEAKER_00: I also would encourage you to explore having deep trust in your capacity to make the dream vision for your life a reality.
• 13:18
  SPEAKER_00: Again, that's not going to be easy.
• 13:20
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but a deep trust in yourself and your capacity to live that version of life, to make choices incrementally to lead you towards it, and to hold that vision while you're making decisions around your property settlement, around your kids, around where you live, around how you behave and communicate with your ex is going to change your experience of divorce.
• 13:45
  SPEAKER_00: No, you can't control what your ex-partner does, says, how they behave, how they show up for mediation negotiation.
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_00: You can't control any of that.
• 13:54
  SPEAKER_00: But you staying true to you and deeply trusting yourself and your capacity to create the life that you want for yourself will change your experience of a divorce.
• 14:08
  SPEAKER_00: It will change the way you navigate and experience your half, your part of the divorce.
• 14:15
  SPEAKER_00: The fourth thing I want to talk about today in terms of changing your experience of divorce is freedom.
• 14:23
  SPEAKER_00: And that sounds a bit counterintuitive when if you're in the middle of separation, divorce, or even considering it, right?
• 14:31
  SPEAKER_00: Every fibre of your being is probably screaming at you that you're far from free, you're stuck, you're stuck in a marriage or relationship that doesn't feel like you want it to feel, you're stuck in the messy, crappy middle part of separation divorce.
• 14:47
  SPEAKER_00: There's so much that feels out of your control, and here I am telling you that freedom is the key to changing your experience of divorce.
• 14:57
  SPEAKER_00: Let me explain.
• 14:59
  SPEAKER_00: Come with me, come with me on this.
• 15:02
  SPEAKER_00: What I mean when I talk about tapping into freedom or accessing freedom or using freedom to shift and change your experience of divorce is this.
• 15:12
  SPEAKER_00: You know, you don't know what you don't know.
• 15:15
  SPEAKER_00: It's likely that you've never done this divorce thing before, right?
• 15:19
  SPEAKER_00: Everyone around you has an opinion, often a horror story, and it's all overwhelming and a bit terrifying.
• 15:25
  SPEAKER_00: You know, you're wondering what to do, where to start, what's important, what do you need to do.
• 15:31
  SPEAKER_00: Education is key here.
• 15:33
  SPEAKER_00: Knowledge is power.
• 15:34
  SPEAKER_00: Education to make grounded, empowered decisions.
• 15:38
  SPEAKER_00: You need to know what you don't know.
• 15:41
  SPEAKER_00: You need to strip out of the fear that comes, strip out the fear that comes with not knowing.
• 15:48
  SPEAKER_00: You need to get informed, you need to get knowledgeable, you need to know what's coming for you, what's likely coming for you, what you can expect, what's realistic, and use all of that to make powerful, grounded decisions in service to what you want to create in your in your life, to that future vision.
• 16:08
  SPEAKER_00: You know, you need to know who who do you need to connect with, what do you need to know or understand, what do you already know, what are the gaps in your knowledge, what do you need to know more about?
• 16:19
  SPEAKER_00: What are the pathways and options available to you?
• 16:21
  SPEAKER_00: What are your legal and financial rights, responsibilities, all the things legal, financial, kids, housing?
• 16:28
  SPEAKER_00: What do you need to know?
• 16:30
  SPEAKER_00: Educate yourself, get knowledgeable because education and knowledge combined with responsibility, you taking radical self-responsibility here, that brings you freedom.
• 16:44
  SPEAKER_00: And that's what I mean by freedom being your key to changing your experience of divorce.
• 16:52
  SPEAKER_00: Get educated, get knowledgeable, get empowered, take radical responsibility because that brings you freedom, and you can use that freedom to inform the way you move through your separation, your divorce, and create the life you want to live afterwards.
• 17:11
  SPEAKER_00: Of course, if you want me on your Freedom team, let's chat.
• 17:15
  SPEAKER_00: There's always a link in the show notes for you to book a free introductory call with me, and we can talk about your coaching options, options to work with me.
• 17:24
  SPEAKER_00: So just recapping the things that I think will change, not I think, the things that I know change your experience of divorce.
• 17:34
  SPEAKER_00: Scaffold yourself, build a team around you, a community, a cocoon.
• 17:40
  SPEAKER_00: Have something powerful, emotive, something that you are deeply connected to, pulling you forward, pulling you out of the mess, being your guiding light.
• 17:51
  SPEAKER_00: Trust deeply in yourself and in that vision that you have for your future and in your capacity to create it for yourself.
• 18:00
  SPEAKER_00: But tap in to freedom.
• 18:03
  SPEAKER_00: I'm going to share a few more key things that will change your experience of divorce next week.
• 18:08
  SPEAKER_00: So look out for that.
• 18:09
  SPEAKER_00: If you haven't already, go back and listen to last week's episode where I introduce this little mini-series of key things that will change your experience of divorce.
• 18:18
  SPEAKER_00: If you know someone that would be supported by listening to this and hearing this, please share it with them.
• 18:24
  SPEAKER_00: Use it to build a scaffold, a team, a community around someone that you know and care about.
• 18:31
  SPEAKER_00: Thanks for listening.
• 18:32
  SPEAKER_00: As always, I hope you've got something out of today's episode.
• 18:36
  SPEAKER_00: Until next time.
• 18:53
  SPEAKER_00: I'd also be so grateful if you'd follow the podcast and review this episode so we can get it in the ears of a whole lot more humans just like you who are ready to reclaim and liberate themselves in life and love.
• 19:05
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you'll join me next time for another episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 19:10
  SPEAKER_00: Until then.