Latest / The Curve / RTC88: The cost of having kids (and a life) with Chancè Hindirlane.

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RTC88: The cost of having kids (and a life) with Chancè Hindirlane. · The Curve

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Eve Wellness is on a mission to erase shame surrounding taboo health topics like periods,
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hormones, sexual and mental well-being.
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So together we're doing this podcast mini-series all about the cost of being a woman.
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By opening up conversations like this one, we hope to bring these topics out of the
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shadows and into the light.
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We want to really dissolve the stigma and create a space for open and powered discussions
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around what it means and what it actually costs to be a woman.
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Eve's products are super high quality.
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If you'd like to find out more, you can head to Eve Wellness.com.
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And if you would like to get a cheeky 15% off, then you can use our code Curve.
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C-U-R-V-E.
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Welcome to Raising the Curve.
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A podcast designed to teach you everything you need to know to be better with your money.
0:56
In the wise words of Amy Schumer, we're slipping carrots into the brownie recipe.
1:01
I don't really get the saying.
1:03
It's kind of like eating vegetables that actually taste good.
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You know, I'm like, still not ready to eat.
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Are you on the script?
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That's basically like saying, investing in finance can be boring as
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but it totally doesn't need to be here.
1:16
Okay, okay.
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So we're making it fun by putting the carrot.
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Okay, the vegetables are just good for you.
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It's the brownie recipe.
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Okay, we got there, we got there, okay.
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Well, you've really got a finance way.
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Yeah, one of us has to.
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This is a joke.
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Okay, come and learn alongside me from Vick Harris, ex-fun manager.
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Well, I'm going to ask all the questions that you wish you could.
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And I'm going to be eating all the brownie you wish you could.
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No, it's so not the joke, Vick!
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Okay, just come and talk and learn and laugh with us.
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Because together, we really can raise the curve.
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So our next guest, gosh, she was cool.
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As soon as we saw her pop up on the video, I thought,
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you know, someone just gives out this amazing aura.
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Like, beautiful energy.
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Oh, yeah.
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So Shantzai Hindalane is originally she's from Congo in Africa,
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and she's now living in the States.
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And she has become a viral sensation.
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Yeah, and that was all because she was getting an ultra-sounds
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and she found out she was having twins.
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Was that the one that went viral?
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Yeah, and she was like, oh gosh, oh gosh.
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And she, yeah, because she had a five-month-old, I think,
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roughly a five-month-old.
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And then she found out she was pregnant with twins.
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And she was like, oh my goodness.
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Actually, let's play a little snippet of that.
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Yeah.
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What, you have twins?
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I'm sorry, what?
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You have twins.
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I'm sorry, what?
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So like two of them, there are two beings.
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At the same time, at the same time.
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I even push them at the same time.
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Honestly, the other thing that's gone viral recently,
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another one of her videos is actually
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when she talks about how the village is no longer free.
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Yes.
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And what she's talking about is because she's African
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and she's grown up in a world where there's
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maids and there's cleaners and there's houses and yeah.
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And it's just normal.
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You have a village to help raise kids.
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And now that she's living in the States,
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she's like, oh, where's the village?
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And she sees a lot of women struggling to do it themselves
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or do it with a partner and she's like,
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yeah, everyone needs a village,
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but the village costs so much.
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Yeah, they actually play some as quite good.
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We need to start telling future mothers
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to financially plan ahead for their village.
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We need to make sure they understand
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a free village is no longer realistic,
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but it does not mean they're supposed to be doing this alone.
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I just love how she's bringing a completely
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different perspective to motherhood
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and rather than gilting women into thinking that
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they're a failure if they can't do everything.
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She's actually saying the total opposite.
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Yeah, do what you need to.
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Survive and be happy and have good mental health
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and all of that.
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She's like, don't be afraid or ashamed to ask for help
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and realise that we've all been brought up with villages.
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So everyone needs a village.
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Everyone needs a village.
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So we're not going to ramble too much longer,
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but this is an amazing episode.
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Actually, at the very end,
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when you start talking about diaries and stuff,
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that's blew my mind.
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Yes, so listen to the end.
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Yeah, as you always will.
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Yeah, Sean, say thank you so much for joining us.
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Yeah, thank you.
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Really amazing to have you on
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and we can't wait to get stuck
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and there's so many questions we want to ask you.
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Well, thank you for having me.
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I'm excited to get into it.
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Basically, what happened was we came across
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the online viral video.
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I think what was really refreshing about that
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is that a lot of us, like, I mean,
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for example, I've spent a very small amount of time
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in villages and countries where that phrase of
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raising a family takes a village
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is still actually really evident.
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But for most of the Western world,
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that's kind of just a saying that people throw around.
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Yeah, so can we just start there
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with you explaining your thoughts, feelings,
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and kind of like how and why that video was such a hit?
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I think it's so funny when we say it takes a village
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and it's a conversation I talk about all the time
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and it can be very triggering.
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When I people say it takes a village,
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I grew up in Africa.
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I was born and raised in Congo.
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I have the most stylish beautiful mom on the planet.
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My mom used to wake up and she has the stunning dresses,
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and she has 12 kids.
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So to me, I'm like, lady, are you a magician?
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How do you do this?
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And growing up, it didn't hit me.
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That one, I had in Annie.
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I had a sitter, like literally,
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an Annie and a sitter.
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We had someone who drove us to school.
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We had cooks, we had maids.
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And this is pretty typical in a lot of African countries.
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Now, they were paid not always.
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But even the most average household is going to have that.
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After my mom has kids,
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she has this huge party the next day
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where she's like dressed,
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but she's not the one necessarily taking care of the baby
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besides breastfeeding, someone else's.
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So my mom had this huge village,
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but some of it wasn't free, too.
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Yeah, she had aunt and who would come in for the first few weeks,
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but then they would leave.
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But the people who are constantly there,
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they were a part of her village,
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were the nannies, they were the cooks,
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they were the maids,
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they were the people helping her raise us.
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So when I moved to the US and I had my first baby,
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my husband and I are these newly married couple
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super excited to finally have kids.
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And my mom leaves, goes back to Canada as one does.
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And now it's just me,
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my husband goes back to work because in the US,
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we don't really get paternal relief.
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And I'm a new mom, I'm young, I'm confused,
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and I am looking around for friends.
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My friends are also young in their, you know, mid-20s.
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They're out, living their 20s life as they should be.
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I'm looking for a community.
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I even went on Facebook.
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I went on this app, Pena to get mom friends.
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I'm looking on social media for anything.
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Like, how do I do this?
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Like, I'm calling my pediatrician like,
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hey, I'm a kid burped because I don't care.
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Like, there's just no help.
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It was like, I am a dying,
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I'm a dying, I'm literally like,
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hey, it burps a lot.
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Is this normal?
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I feel like I'm doing this by myself.
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And when I got pregnant like five months later with twins
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and how to be stopped,
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we have to just don't forget because we did say this video as well.
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Literally, find out I'm pregnant
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and then I find that I'm in twins within a day.
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So we're freaking out.
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And then about five weeks later, they're like,
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oh yeah, it's a high risk pregnancy.
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You need to be in the hospital almost every single day.
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We have no help my husband is working.
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At this point, I'm like, no one in our family
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can take of time to be with my five-month-old.
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We start looking at daycares.
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We start looking for a nanny.
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We're starting to now look for other things.
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There's no guides.
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I'm feeling guilty because I'm supposed to do this by myself.
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After all, I'm a mom.
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This is my job.
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I'm a stay-at-home mom like that.
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And as I stay at home mom,
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you're a job to take care of everything.
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I'm supposed to have food ready, house clean,
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baby taken care of.
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That's what it seems I'm supposed to do.
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That's what I see on social media.
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The moms baking with their kids every day.
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I don't even like cooking.
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So I'm like, I don't understand what's going on.
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And this is when I finally decided,
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you know what, maybe there's supposed to be
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a different way of doing these things.
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Maybe I'm not supposed to do it all.
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My husband was like, you're not happy.
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You're not, this is not working for you.
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We need to outsource.
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And that's the first time I thought about outsourcing.
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I'm like, what does that even look like?
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And we got a nanny.
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And then it hit me that maybe my village
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is not necessarily my mom taking off work for months
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because she can't.
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She has a job.
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When I outsource, when I sometimes go
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instead of going to the groceries and I do Instacart,
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I give to spend an extra hour at home.
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All of that stuff is an extra hand
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that's supposed to help me through this process.
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And that's where I was like, you know what?
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I'm not going to be telling my sibling,
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I have a lot of younger sisters.
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Did you say you were one of 12?
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Yeah, we have quite a better siblings.
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Yeah, I'm not going to be telling them,
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hey, I think you have a baby.
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There's just going to be this village
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just going to come and help you.
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But I do tell them like, hey, I think you have a baby.
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You and your partner should really consider
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what it's going to look like after having a baby.
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So that's when I started telling my siblings like,
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yeah, this is really what is going to get you
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to a point of enjoying motherhood.
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I'm not saying it's necessary,
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but I'm saying it will get you to a point
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to enjoy this journey.
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I would love to know in Congo,
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the idea of what that village looked like
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and how everybody can afford that kind of a village
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because I mean, it was my perception
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that to be able to afford a witness and a nanny
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and a housekeeper and all those things
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was really expensive.
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So how is it just normalized?
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I think a lot of people
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is from what I saw how to live in nannies.
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Like, I think growing up we had a living nanny.
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Even though I did grow up in a different class,
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even people in a lower class middle class growing up in Congo,
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I don't remember seeing a mom just having kids
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and doing it on their own.
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Like, I can have my sister had a baby.
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I might be like, hey, I have a daughter who's like 19.
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She's sitting at home.
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She's not married because that's a big thing.
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She's not doing anything if you pay her.
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She's not married.
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I hear she's not doing anything.
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I'm like, she ain't got a man.
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So she's just married for anything.
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Yeah.
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Just collecting dust.
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Just what does she think she's doing with her life?
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If you bring her to your house,
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like pay her school fees, bring her to the city,
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like that type of inner, like that's kind of how it is.
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Which I guess really mean that village was never free.
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Yeah.
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Because it was never free.
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Not really.
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It was like an exchange.
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I think you got romanticized into free labor,
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which I personally also have a huge issue with
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because I'm like, it shouldn't be free for so many reasons.
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And it's like, it takes a village to raise a child,
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but really it takes like a lot of money to raise a child,
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which then can pay for the village.
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And I guess how would you, what tips would you give
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to families or women heating into motherhoods?
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Because this all sounds amazing,
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but it also sounds expensive,
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whether you're in Africa or in the US or in New Zealand
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or anywhere in the world,
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to have that enjoyment of motherhood costs a lot.
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I think I've talked about this before,
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but I would say start where you are.
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I didn't start having a 30 hour a week nanny.
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I started with two hours a day,
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because that's all I could afford.
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I really liked my clothes.
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I like buying clothes, I like shopping.
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But I'm like, yeah, that's a good to pleasure.
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But there was a time where my husband and I had to
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sit down and prioritize.
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And yeah, maybe we don't go on as many dates this week
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or maybe I don't eat out as much this week,
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because I want to make sure I have a little bit
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on the side for my nanny for my sitter.
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Let's say you don't have that $40 an hour to pay
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a full-time nanny with an agency,
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but you have two kids and you want help for just
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let's a two hours so you can leave, go on a walk,
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do whatever you might do.
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Then use different reputable sources.
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Facebook is incredible.
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The mom groups on there,
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when I couldn't afford a nanny who all she did was nanny,
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I found moms who were looking to make
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a little extra cash on the side.
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I would say start where you are.
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Figure out where you can compromise in your life,
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because I do think it can sound
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like it's so much more expensive than it is.
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Because yeah, maybe $30 an hour seems like a lot of money,
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but what if it was just for that one hour a week?
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If you were still a home mom right now
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who feels like you don't even get an hour to take a shower
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and hour to run with Starbucks by yourself,
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that's $30 an hour that you give to this one nanny,
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a week or this one sitter,
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that could be the start of you finding independence.
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Yeah, we always talk about money diaries
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and when people are feeling a bit stressed
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and they're like, we can cut back on spending.
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It's like, well, write down how, when you spend things,
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how it makes you feel.
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I think that's a really good point is that
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that $30 could be game-changing for your mental,
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healthy relationship, your physical heart, everything.
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Like if you could get an hour a week even.
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Do you know what I don't understand though,
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is well, we always expected to do it all over again.
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You know, because I kind of was under the impression,
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this might sound super naive,
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but I was under the impression that, you know,
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months, three generations ago were just doing everything
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and that they were expected to do the housework
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and the cooking and the nanny-ing.
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And we're just the complaining nation.
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I'm like, after the confusion.
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Generation that's, yeah.
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Or did they always just have help?
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Like, what?
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It's crazy because the help was like hidden.
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Because like on TV, on the movies,
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you can remember the old movies
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where the ladies, the husbands would come home
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and she's like in a nice dress.
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It's like, here's a pie darling, I've made cherry pie.
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Oh, they make my skin crawl.
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I'm like, oh.
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You ever see the kids around?
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The kids are not around.
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They don't show us a clip of who the hell's watching the kids.
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Because it's like, you see her as she's like here darling,
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here's who.
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And I'm like, babe, where is your toddler?
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Yeah.
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Also, do you remember, you know those videos
14:08
that are like, what do you think she's getting
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when he marries me?
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And it's like, her walking in with this like,
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silly key dress, like, I'm so, huh?
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I'm so put together and then it's like,
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they've got a vacuum cleaner,
14:18
what you're actually getting,
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it's like pimple cream everywhere, like, hair roll.
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And it's just like, we've been massively fucked over
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by the time my boyfriend has two girlfriends
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and it's like this one and the other one.
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Yeah.
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Those moments when it's like what he expected
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by the way he got, they pissed me off.
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Because I'm like, I'm sorry, it was 2022
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and you expect to come home.
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And I mean, if that's your agreement with your wife
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and that's what she likes, that's how she does things.
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More power to you, I think it's empowering
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for a woman to do whatever she wants.
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And if my want was to be home in a full gown
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to serve my husband and that's how I want to love him,
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that's incredible, more power to you.
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But it's like, if my husband expected that for me,
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like what he expected versus what he got,
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meaning like, oh, he expected to come home
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to a cooked meal and me dress and his kids put together
15:05
and he just come home and guess to sit on his ass
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and do nothing.
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I'm like, sir, if that was your expectation,
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you got the wrong one.
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Yeah.
15:13
There's a breakdown in communication.
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We love each other somewhere.
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Oh my God, I just love the use of the word sir and that's it.
15:20
It's like you got the wrong one
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because what do you think I do all day?
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Oh, also when it's like, oh, well, I must say at home mom,
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so like, what else am I supposed to be doing all day?
15:29
Why do you think that financial planning then
15:34
has kind of been left out of the conversation
15:37
when starting a family?
15:38
Why are we not taught about that?
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And also, why is it not encouraged?
15:43
Yeah.
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You know, it's not like, it's almost like the sense of guilt
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having to ask for help or pay for help
15:49
or I'm not around 24, seven.
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I've got a nanny in a baby bed anyway.
15:52
Because we've been told, we've been told if, you know,
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like if you're a good mom, you give it all up for your kids.
15:56
Yeah.
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Like a good mom is completely selfless.
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But like, I'd be if absolutely shocking mom
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if I was pouring from an empty cup every day.
16:05
When it comes to motherhood,
16:06
a lot of people want to romanticize it.
16:08
We want women to keep having kids.
16:10
We don't want to tell them, hey, he didn't money to do it.
16:12
That conversation should be had.
16:14
It should be had.
16:15
And it's almost this guilt thing
16:17
that people feel very attacked when you say,
16:20
you should try planning.
16:23
You can't plan pregnancy.
16:24
I know.
16:25
Technically, all pregnancies are really just like a,
16:27
most of them are surprises,
16:28
unless you're going to like IVF or whatever it may be.
16:31
So I get it, but we can still plan.
16:33
And that conversation seems like such a taboo.
16:35
It's like, well, you're invalidating every woman
16:37
who just accidentally had a baby or things happen.
16:41
100% or you're invalidating people
16:43
that want to stay home who want it and can do everything.
16:47
Again, I understand.
16:48
However, let's be serious
16:50
and look at how many women are suffering
16:52
from postpartum depression.
16:53
How many women are sitting at home
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literally telling you every single day,
16:57
just go on social media.
16:58
There are so many women telling us
17:01
how much motherhood is taking a tone them,
17:03
but we should talk about it.
17:04
We should talk about outside of that typical crib, clothes, school.
17:09
Let's talk about how much is going to cost for you
17:11
as a black woman to have a safe delivery
17:15
because you need someone to advocate for you.
17:18
Let's talk about physical therapy at the end
17:21
because I had twins and my body wasn't the same.
17:24
I deserve health after having a kid,
17:27
but it's expensive in the US.
17:29
Let's talk about our mental health.
17:30
That's also expensive, therapy cost,
17:32
even with insurance.
17:34
It's expensive.
17:35
We thought about, okay, for a very long time,
17:37
I have to take time off.
17:39
They won't pay me for it.
17:40
Postpartum care plan so that I have my partner there.
17:43
All of those things when I sit on my head, that's what I mean.
17:45
I don't mean like planning,
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even you can even start before having a kid
17:48
if you know you're going to.
17:49
So it's gonna say like wins too early to start.
17:52
Because I'm feeling really overwhelmed right now
17:54
to the point that I'm waiting to start some baby funds.
17:56
Yeah.
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Don't even have boyfriends, but need baby funds.
18:01
Honestly, there is no such thing as too early.
18:03
If you know you have kids, why not?
18:05
Especially if you have an idea,
18:07
like I used to say, I want to tell my siblings,
18:09
I say, what kind of mother do you want to be?
18:10
And every time I hear, I always hear like,
18:13
oh, I want to be the mom that like just bakes cookies
18:17
and goes to Pilates and drives a ranger of,
18:20
you know, you've seen the videos.
18:22
And I'm like, that's fantastic.
18:23
So where are the kids when you're at Pilates?
18:26
Who's cleaning what you're at Pilates?
18:29
Oh, I still want to have fun when my husband
18:31
after having kids.
18:31
Awesome.
18:32
Who's going to watch your kids when you go on a date?
18:34
So think of the mother who lifestyle you want
18:36
and start preparing for it.
18:38
I'm kind of want to dig into the motherhood penalty.
18:42
What about women that want to go back to work
18:45
or that have taken time out a couple of years,
18:47
a couple of months, whatever it is, to have children
18:50
and now have these financial impacts?
18:53
That's me.
18:53
That could last forever, you know,
18:56
well, I guess what advice or what do you think
18:59
that needs to be put in place to ensure that,
19:02
you know, we don't have to choose that we can have both
19:05
what needs to be put in place to give us the options.
19:08
Well, funny enough is I do it now.
19:11
I've always done it.
19:12
I had a very promising career.
19:14
I love what I did.
19:15
I went to school.
19:16
I've been interning since I was like 16.
19:20
My first internship was in Congress
19:22
because I saw myself working in Capitol Hill in DC.
19:25
Like, I loved what I did.
19:27
Okay, I love my career.
19:28
And after having kids, I didn't feel like I want to give it up
19:31
for good.
19:31
I felt like, okay, what if one day I wake up,
19:34
my kids are in school and I'm like, yeah,
19:36
I want to go back and work.
19:37
So I do something called keeping up with my resume.
19:41
Did I apply on K being out with the connections,
19:42
keeping up with my resume?
19:44
I literally say, keep up with one.
19:48
What's going on in your industry?
19:50
So I would look at jobs that I would want in the future.
19:53
Let's say like I want to be an engineer in the future.
19:56
And that job requires a certification of some type.
20:00
As I must say at home, I would say like,
20:02
hey, babe, we need to invest in this certification for me.
20:05
So on my resume, it doesn't look like I had three years off.
20:08
It just looks like I was advancing my career.
20:11
I was taking different certifications to advance my career.
20:15
Unfortunately, being a homemaker is not
20:18
a respectable job in America, which is insane.
20:20
So I may not be able to put that on my resume,
20:22
but I can definitely put all the different conferences
20:24
I attended.
20:25
I can definitely put on my resume
20:27
all the different certifications I got while I was staying at home.
20:30
I try my very best to make sure I'm still
20:33
marketable in the industry that I worked in.
20:36
And I think that's something that we should tell women too.
20:39
Not because it's like, well, I don't trust my husband.
20:41
What if he stopped taking care of me?
20:42
I know for a fact, my husband will always take care of me.
20:45
And if we want to be real, let's also advocate for pre-nubs.
20:48
Like, what's wrong with pre-nubs?
20:50
I could pre-nub never heard anybody.
20:52
Oh, we'll well on both the pre-nubs.
20:53
Yeah, shit, yeah.
20:55
Let's advocate for pre-nubs.
20:57
If I'm taking time out for my career to raise your kids.
21:00
And you decide you're done.
21:02
You don't feel like parenting.
21:03
You don't feel like being married to me anymore.
21:04
No problem.
21:05
Make sure that you can still financially support me.
21:08
Okay, I'm compensated.
21:08
That you were doing before.
21:10
That I'm compensated for the work that I've done.
21:12
Aside from pre-nubs, I guess what in your opinion
21:15
are other steps that women can take to ensure
21:18
like financial security when they are taking that break
21:20
from their careers?
21:22
I think if you're not taking a break from a career
21:24
and you feel like you need a little bit more
21:26
financial security, we can talk about your bank account
21:28
and how you split your bank account.
21:30
My opinion, I think what works really great
21:32
is having a family bank account,
21:35
a personal bank account, a savings account,
21:38
and making sure that whoever's working's income,
21:40
there's a percentage.
21:42
For example, my husband's working,
21:43
when he gets paid 40% goes into mine,
21:46
or 20% goes into mine, 20% goes into his personal,
21:49
and the rest goes into the family
21:51
to be split into savings, spending, etc, etc.
21:53
That's a great way to do it.
21:54
Yeah, I feel like I may not be working,
21:57
but I am working.
21:58
I'm just working from home.
21:59
So yeah, me and my husband are both getting equal payment
22:03
from the job he's doing.
22:04
So he's out working when he gets paid,
22:07
the 40% is split, 20, 20 between us,
22:09
and then the rest goes into the family account
22:11
where you can obviously bills account,
22:14
savings, etc, etc.
22:16
But I always have my own money.
22:17
I like that.
22:18
Yeah, we're talking offline before this podcast
22:21
around how, I'm not being listening,
22:24
but just maybe controlling it must be to be like,
22:26
here's your allowance and you go, yeah,
22:28
you go spend that, how you, how do you build up savings
22:32
and investments if you're not earning?
22:35
It's like, and it's not like he gets to decide,
22:37
no, you get paid immediately, 20% goes here,
22:40
20% goes there, and the rest goes into that.
22:42
There's no conversation that needs to be had, it's split.
22:45
And I'm not staying at home, not doing anything.
22:47
You get to work because I stay home with your kids.
22:50
You get to focus on advancing your career to where it is today
22:53
because you know, I got your back
22:55
because if the rules were reversed, trust and believe,
22:58
I would be extremely successful in my career.
23:00
If I knew I had somebody at home handling everything else for me,
23:03
so it's, you should get compensated.
23:05
What about if you're not in a relationship?
23:08
What about for women who want to have babies on their own
23:12
or don't have a partner?
23:14
I can't even imagine having to pay for,
23:16
what are we going to call it?
23:18
The villains are community.
23:19
Thank you. Yeah.
23:20
I can't imagine having to pay for the village
23:22
if I'm in a relationship, let alone single.
23:26
Do you have any thoughts on that?
23:28
Yeah, one of my cousin's best friends in life,
23:31
she's a single mom.
23:32
One thing she told me is she just had
23:34
made a lot of sacrifices on some of the things she wanted
23:37
to make sure she had the things she needed.
23:39
Like for example, you know, we talk about outsourcing.
23:41
She's like, I knew that I could not watch my kid 24-7.
23:45
It's impossible.
23:46
So I prioritize a few things, obviously food on the table,
23:49
a place to live and somebody to watch my kid when I can't.
23:53
And I think everyone who wants to have a kid they should,
23:55
I just think we should also be mentally prepared
23:57
for what that looks like if you have no one helping you.
24:00
I think you should either invest in someone
24:04
or help you or be prepared to kind of be slightly
24:06
overwhelmed for a little while.
24:07
And it's for a little while.
24:09
I always say though, we should always prepare
24:12
to raise our kids by ourselves, even if you have a partner.
24:14
I agree.
24:15
Anything can happen.
24:16
Unfortunately, we don't know what's going to happen
24:18
tomorrow, knock on good.
24:19
We're going to leave a long and happy life.
24:21
My husband, he could need to work away from home
24:23
for a month, which he has.
24:25
I like to say to prepare to be a single parent
24:28
at some point in time, but that's both of us.
24:30
My husband has been how to prepare to raise those kids
24:32
without me at some point until I have I.
24:34
As far as I'm like, yeah, I don't think I'm ever going to not
24:37
make sure my career stays intact.
24:39
I'm never going to stop working on my own career.
24:42
Even if I'm not working, I want to make sure
24:44
that I have a very strong resume in case this ever time
24:47
when it's like, hey, yeah, you need to have back
24:49
on the job market.
24:50
At the end of the day, you can save all you want,
24:54
which I think is a huge part of course, saving.
24:57
But like, it's hard.
24:58
Like you said, like today, everything is expensive.
25:01
It's preschool.
25:02
I can't even talk about preschool.
25:03
Once you have more than one kid,
25:05
it's like paying for college.
25:06
I'm pretty sure my kids preschool costs more
25:08
than my college did.
25:09
So school average, nice preschool, like $2,500 a month.
25:15
And if you have a few kids, you can see why some woman
25:18
can't, can't even justify staying at home.
25:22
They have to go back to work to pay that.
25:24
I don't know, it's just like, but then they're paying
25:25
for childcare.
25:26
So there must be a tipping point where you're like,
25:27
well, I'll just stay at home because what's the point?
25:29
I think I can afford to have kids.
25:31
I genuinely don't think I can.
25:33
I mean, I'm being fully serious.
25:36
Can anyone really?
25:38
2000 US a month.
25:39
Like that is, every time my rent goes out, I'm like,
25:42
oh, imagine that.
25:44
Right, but double.
25:45
It's like a mortgage.
25:46
It's like a mortgage.
25:47
Okay, so hold on.
25:48
Let's then talk about how many kids you can actually afford.
25:51
How would you, in advance?
25:54
No, okay, I can afford one child or two.
25:57
Like, yeah, I would say, like, think about the life
26:01
you want as a mom.
26:03
That's what you said at the start.
26:04
No, I like that.
26:04
And then I did up.
26:07
Because personally, when my husband and I saw it,
26:08
we want our kids to have extra critical activities.
26:11
I want my kids to be confident.
26:13
And for me, what I learned is building confidence,
26:15
meaning tries new things.
26:17
Like, I want my kids to have a really good quality of life.
26:20
So I want him to have soccer.
26:21
I want him to have horseback riding.
26:23
I want him to have, you know, dance, whatever you want
26:25
to be a part of, add those things up.
26:27
Cause they add up.
26:29
Do they need those things?
26:31
No, but like, I want those things for them.
26:33
So I might think about it.
26:34
Like, I have to think about what type of mom do I want to be?
26:36
I want to be the type of mom that shows up,
26:40
a ballet practice every single day, that shows up
26:43
at all the PTA meetings, that shows up in the middle of the school day
26:47
because they have an event.
26:49
And for me to be that mom, I need to make sure our home is good.
26:54
So I know that while I'm at school,
26:57
during a PTA meeting,
26:58
somebody has to be here watching the other kids.
27:01
I want to be the type of mom that primarily focuses
27:04
on the little things with my kids.
27:06
Because I grew up, I'm an immigrant child moving to the US.
27:09
My mom was never there or my aunts,
27:12
whenever they're at my debate competition,
27:14
my dance competition, my basketball,
27:16
my track meet, any hurt?
27:18
As a kid, I understood they had a work.
27:21
But still, when you look out in the bleachers
27:22
and your parents are not there because they're working
27:24
as a child, you're not thinking,
27:25
oh, my parents are working to provide you're thinking,
27:28
no one's here to cheer me on.
27:30
And I want to be the type of person that
27:31
a parent who gets to be there every single time
27:34
because I invested in that.
27:36
So when you're thinking about how many kids can I afford?
27:39
Sure, maybe it's just one.
27:40
Because you don't want to pay for nothing
27:42
to watch the other kids while you go to the other kids' soccer practice.
27:45
Or maybe it's two because you want to take both of them.
27:48
But we stop that for.
27:50
I mean, that's a lot less than 12.
27:52
Half, half for it.
27:53
I mean, we did have the two-per-one special.
27:55
So like, yeah.
27:57
I think I'm going to have to have a half.
27:58
Just two-per-one.
28:00
I need a torso.
28:01
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
28:02
We definitely got that two-per-one special.
28:04
I need to cheer a baby.
28:06
Yeah, okay.
28:07
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
28:08
That's kind of what it's like having a partner.
28:09
You just kind of share the kid.
28:10
Sure. So do you know, I think I'm feeling a bit,
28:13
I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed.
28:14
Yeah, I feel sad because I think if I'm being really honest
28:17
with myself with you with Vic, I don't know
28:20
if I'll be able to afford the type of lifestyle
28:23
that I know will make me the best mum I can be.
28:26
So what kind of advice would you have for people
28:28
who aren't in a position where either maybe they already have kids
28:31
and they can't afford help in their struggling?
28:34
Or they're like, man, they're like, I don't know
28:36
if I'm going to either be able to get this.
28:37
I could only afford myself right now.
28:39
I mean, the line's throwing someone else in there.
28:41
It feels very, very overwhelming.
28:43
Yeah.
28:44
I would say one, they're good breath.
28:48
Breathe through it.
28:49
Okay. I needed that.
28:52
And then I will say, you have to remember that one,
28:56
you are so much more capable of more than you think.
29:00
And as hard as parenting is, as crazy as all of these sounds,
29:05
there comes a point where you find this insane balance
29:08
and you may come in very different ways.
29:11
So when I couldn't afford a nanny
29:14
and my husband and I had twins who were waking up every single night
29:20
and wouldn't sleep until 3 a.m.
29:22
We were in a space in our lives where the only time
29:25
we had time for ourselves is by piggybacking off each other
29:29
and figuring out where the other person is.
29:31
I had to find different ways to balance that alone time
29:35
before I had someone coming in doing it
29:37
to give me an hour to myself instead of waking up at 6 a.m.
29:41
to have an extra hour to literally sit and have coffee
29:45
go on a walk.
29:47
Sometimes it meant that when the kids map,
29:49
I left a house dirty so I can nap.
29:52
You start to find different ways to balance.
29:54
So yeah, maybe right now you can't afford a nanny,
29:56
you can't afford a cleaner, you can't afford a cook,
29:59
you can't afford daycare childcare,
30:02
but your kids are maybe third toddlers asleep through the night.
30:05
So you dedicate a 30 minute, you wake up 30 minutes earlier,
30:09
just 30 minutes so you can sit.
30:11
You can turn on, you can breathe,
30:13
you can do something just for you.
30:15
Maybe that looks like, yeah, when they nap,
30:18
your house stays a mess.
30:21
You don't clean up right after, you know, you take a nap too.
30:24
Personally, I like to clean as I go
30:26
and I like to involve the little mess makers when I do it.
30:29
So when we wilder would do it, I'll make it fun.
30:33
Like maybe you're looking for ways to spend time with your kids
30:35
because you want that, you involve them in the activities.
30:38
I involve them in cleaning.
30:40
So that when they're napping, the house is clean,
30:42
I can nap.
30:43
Here's some spray and wipe.
30:44
Here's a mop.
30:45
Let's make you the game.
30:46
There's some skid marks there, please.
30:49
There you go.
30:50
You meet yourself where you are and slowly,
30:54
you start to find ways to incorporate more.
30:57
When maybe you start saying, okay,
30:59
I can afford one hour a day, okay, cool.
31:02
Maybe now I can afford to, but as overwhelming as it is
31:06
to get to the place where you're like, oh yeah, I'm good.
31:09
I can now afford 30 hours a week.
31:11
I can now afford a housekeeper.
31:13
I can now afford a laundry service.
31:15
You have to start from somewhere.
31:18
You reprioritize where your money goes.
31:21
You allocate time to what matters most to you
31:24
and you take where you can and you give where you can.
31:29
Maybe this means you can only give your kids
31:31
a good 30 minutes of mom time.
31:36
You start giving and taking where you can
31:38
and you don't feel guilty about it.
31:40
You fight that guilty feeling because I deserve 40 minutes
31:44
to myself a day.
31:45
And if that means they are sitting up on that screen,
31:47
then let them and Ms. Rachel have a good time.
31:50
You're not supposed to be a hundred every day.
31:52
Learning to apologize to your kids
31:54
and learning to learn from your mistakes.
31:57
Because I mean, we all kind of just wing in it.
31:59
Yeah, there's no rule book.
32:02
No, I like that that it's all about
32:04
not feeling guilty as well.
32:05
Yeah, a lot of just sounds like such an early thing.
32:08
Mom guilt is the worst.
32:10
It's so irrational.
32:13
Well, I just like the way that in general,
32:15
your whole ethos and the way that you're approaching
32:17
this conversation is, you know what, like you're human
32:20
and it's so important and normal to ask for help
32:25
to also then save to pay for help.
32:27
Like, I think that they'll not be okay
32:29
to feel overwhelmed.
32:30
Like, yeah, just, you seem very...
32:33
Well, you're just changing the narrative mess of like
32:35
and I think that, yeah, I think especially when
32:37
for a long time, we're told that our worth is in being a mother.
32:41
It then feels like you're abandoning
32:43
that birthright or that responsibility
32:47
or your role in a family.
32:48
But actually, it's changing and adapting.
32:50
I mean, even today, if you,
32:53
if you were to read 20% of my comments,
32:55
it's like, well, what do you do?
32:57
If you have a nanny, if you have this, what do you do?
32:59
What is your job? Where do you come in?
33:02
And it's having that confidence to understand
33:03
my role as a mom.
33:05
Man, it goes above and beyond being a housekeeper,
33:09
a cook and a clean.
33:10
I'm raising humans.
33:12
We are shaping and forming minds of little people.
33:15
Does the role come with cooking and cleaning?
33:18
Yeah, but the way my husband and I look at it is like,
33:21
especially when it comes to equal partnership.
33:23
If it's something that he would have to do,
33:24
whether or not he had kids, whether or not he had me,
33:28
then that falls under that equal partnership.
33:31
Like, that's not my role.
33:33
That's a house role.
33:34
If you had a wife or not,
33:35
you would still need to do the dishes.
33:37
You would still need to eat.
33:39
You would still need to scrub the bathrooms,
33:40
at least I would hope you're doing that.
33:41
You would still need to do the laundry.
33:44
So why should that fall on the wife
33:46
as a stay-at-home mom?
33:47
Because now you have to go out and work.
33:50
So do the nine to five thing,
33:52
where my job starts when he does,
33:56
in any end, when he gets home.
33:58
And then we both tackle everything else.
34:01
Where my job as a stay-at-home mom is a mom.
34:05
I'm focusing on the mom part, right?
34:07
Just the kids feeding them, learning with them,
34:10
taking care of them, spending time with them.
34:13
And it's like, okay, so I'm not necessarily a stay-at-home maid.
34:17
I'm not a stay-at-home cook.
34:18
I'm not a stay-at-home, like, I'm not.
34:20
I'm a stay-at-home mom.
34:21
So let me mom.
34:22
And I know that means different things to everyone.
34:25
But to me, it means being there for my kids
34:28
in all the ways that I can.
34:29
It means learning my kids.
34:30
I mean, knowing my kids' personality.
34:32
And that requires spending a lot of time with them.
34:34
It's so refreshing to hear a different perspective.
34:37
Like it really is.
34:38
And also unapologetically, this is the way it should be.
34:41
So thank you for being such a trailblazer in the space of,
34:46
yeah, what it means to be a mom
34:47
and what it looks like to feel independence
34:49
within what societies told us you should have done.
34:53
And I think that that's just like,
34:55
for a lot of women I imagine, whatever their dynamics are,
34:59
I don't think, even if you're listening to this,
35:00
you're like, shit.
35:02
We didn't start the way we now want to continue.
35:04
You can always turn that around.
35:06
You can start now.
35:07
Yeah.
35:07
You can have conversations now.
35:09
Even if your kids are 18, you can turn around.
35:12
Sydney has been this podcast.
35:14
Yeah.
35:14
It's like, we get the opportunity to see other things,
35:17
you know, social media is so cool.
35:19
We get to see different ways of doing things.
35:21
We get to pick and choose a dynamic that works for us.
35:23
Because that's why I started creating content.
35:25
Because I was like, I don't see someone doing you like this.
35:28
That's what I want.
35:29
What I also really like about your content,
35:31
just as an aside, is that content creators
35:34
influences whatever we want to call them.
35:37
I just love when somebody's voices amplified
35:41
because it started by having something
35:44
and they wanted to say.
35:45
Yeah.
35:46
And not because they looked really sexy in a bikini.
35:49
Yeah.
35:50
Right.
35:51
Or you're like, yeah.
35:52
Yeah.
35:52
I just like, I think I'm grateful for social media
35:55
when people like you come up in the algorithm.
35:57
I love that.
35:58
It's important to challenge the way
36:00
that we've always thought about things,
36:02
learn how we can do it differently,
36:03
learn from different cultures and different ways
36:05
to bring things in the way that things have always been.
36:08
It doesn't have to be the way they always will be.
36:11
I literally have my mom who's very African
36:13
and I send her my videos all the time
36:15
and like, she will see my husband doing all the things
36:17
because to them, they don't believe
36:18
a man should do anything that's how she grew up.
36:20
I've seen her change her point of view.
36:23
I've seen her.
36:24
I've seen her be so proud of the things my husband does
36:27
and I've seen her start to expect more
36:29
of some of the other men's in our lives.
36:31
I've seen her watch videos.
36:33
I used to send her videos.
36:34
She thought they were only for her,
36:35
which is the cutest thing.
36:37
You're like, no, mom, a few million people have seen those.
36:40
I'm like, sorry.
36:42
But she literally is like, oh, I showed these videos to like,
36:45
she likes to like, she works in the church
36:47
so like, young woman getting married.
36:49
She said, oh, I'll show them that.
36:51
Yeah, they should not expect that.
36:52
But that comes from the women who are a diary party.
36:56
My husband picked up a broom to sweep
36:59
and every single woman in that building
37:01
lost their mind.
37:02
They were like, no, why would this man have to do labor?
37:05
It was hilarious, but I mean, he started there.
37:08
Sorry, can we just pause for a second?
37:10
Did you say diary party?
37:12
I did, yeah.
37:13
Did you have a diary?
37:14
I did.
37:15
Could you just quickly talk to me through that
37:17
because I thought that was something I only see in Bridgerton?
37:20
In Bridgerton?
37:21
No, but like I didn't realize that it was still so prominent.
37:24
Oh, man.
37:25
African cultures, most of the ones I know still do diaries,
37:28
absolutely.
37:29
And of course, all the different cultures
37:31
have different reasons why they do the diaries.
37:33
For us, the diaries started honestly
37:35
because a woman couldn't have a job.
37:36
And if you take a woman from her family,
37:38
whatever lifestyle you bring her into,
37:39
becomes her lifestyle.
37:41
So if you as a man could improve that you can maintain
37:44
or upgrade that woman's life, obviously the appearance
37:46
and I give in her, do you lack of better words?
37:49
Because let's say, for example, I'm married to a man
37:52
who doesn't have a job, that means I don't have a job.
37:54
That means I don't eat.
37:55
So not only do you use a diary as a way
37:58
to think that family for raising the women,
38:00
but it's also as a way to say, okay,
38:02
I can actually provide for her.
38:04
I have income.
38:05
I have saved up.
38:06
I am able to take care of your daughter.
38:09
Here in the US, back in the home,
38:11
the party will be cows, goats, that's how they pay it.
38:14
But here, it's transferred into monetary.
38:16
So like, one cow is a thousand dollars.
38:20
And the diaries are pretty expensive.
38:22
Depends on the culture, they could range from like,
38:24
20K to 200K, it's not small money.
38:28
It is a lot of money.
38:29
The families use that money to like plan your party,
38:32
of course, to buy you things for your home,
38:35
to kind of like prepare your home.
38:37
But every time I talk about a diary,
38:39
you know, Americans are like, oh my God,
38:40
it's like buying you.
38:41
I'm like, well, your fiance buys you a $30,000 ring
38:46
or $5,000 ring, what's the difference?
38:48
Wait, so do you still think about diaries now
38:50
that you're married?
38:51
I mean, do you have a problem with them?
38:53
Do you totally see and understand them?
38:56
Honestly, I did one, my husband did one.
38:58
It is a really big part of my culture.
39:00
And I am really glad he did it
39:02
because it just shows his respect.
39:04
My husband's not Congolese is American.
39:06
So now, on does he show his respect to my culture?
39:08
I also understand why my mom would want that.
39:10
Not only am I marrying a man outside of our culture.
39:12
She's never met him.
39:13
She doesn't know any history about him.
39:16
She, that's what gives her that safety net of saying,
39:18
okay, that's to her, because you know,
39:20
that's how she grew up to her.
39:21
It's like, oh, he paid a diary.
39:23
This man is serious about my daughter.
39:26
This man is showing not only that he can provide for my daughter,
39:29
that he knows that my daughter is worth working hard,
39:33
saving for and providing that proof, really,
39:35
because like, put your money where your mouth is.
39:37
That's really how they see it.
39:39
So sorry, does he pay, does he pay your mom
39:41
and your mom also pays him?
39:43
Is it, does it go otherwise?
39:44
Or it's just him too?
39:46
Him, yeah, because I mean, I'm not being taken,
39:49
I mean, he's not being taken from his home.
39:51
I got taken from my home.
39:52
I'm not going to, he's not going to be the one
39:54
that's like giving up his career.
39:56
It's going to be most likely me.
39:58
It's another way of making sure your daughter is safe.
40:00
Some families save the diary for their daughters.
40:03
So if he was to leave whatever I have that diary
40:06
to take care of me, if he stops, some cultures do that.
40:09
Some cultures use their money to plan the party,
40:12
buy them furniture for their home,
40:15
make sure she's coming into the home prepared and ready,
40:18
put a down payment on her home,
40:19
it just depends on the culture
40:21
and how they want to prepare you for marriage.
40:23
And I have daughters, of course.
40:27
So we've talked about it.
40:28
And I will absolutely tell them about the diary.
40:30
I will tell them why we did it.
40:32
The only difference is I will enforce it on them.
40:34
If they don't feel like practicing, that's fine.
40:36
Will I ask them to, no, but I will tell them why we did it
40:39
and why I think it's so important,
40:40
because it is a big part of our culture.
40:42
And if they marry someone that's African,
40:45
it won't be too hard.
40:46
They're most likely to do it anyways.
40:48
But if they don't want to,
40:50
and they're like, I don't want to participate, that's fine.
40:52
And if my sons don't want a pair of diary, that's fine too.
40:55
But I will tell them why we pay him.
40:56
I will tell him why they're there
40:58
and I will tell him why my husband did it.
40:59
And he'll probably tell him why he did it too.
41:01
I feel like it's definitely something
41:03
I'd like to learn more about,
41:04
because maybe now, maybe now is not the time,
41:08
but I definitely, it's interesting to me that for you,
41:11
you're not like, oh yeah, I've been born.
41:13
You know, like that for you,
41:15
you're like, no, this is part of my culture
41:16
and it's something I respect.
41:17
Yeah, because it's like anyone,
41:19
I could say that about American women,
41:21
like he buys you with a ring.
41:23
Yeah, no, no, true.
41:24
I think that's a really good comparison.
41:25
Yeah, I'm saying, yeah, because it's like,
41:27
rings cost thousands of dollars too.
41:29
And a lot of people are like,
41:31
I wouldn't be married without a ring.
41:33
Like, of course not.
41:34
I've never thought of it like that,
41:35
but I think it's so, it's so terms exactly the same.
41:38
Yeah, you could say it's just a different form of a diary,
41:41
because like, if you ask an American,
41:43
what does the ring symbolize?
41:44
Most people can't tell me.
41:46
We've had this conversation about who should pay for the ring.
41:48
Like, is it a shit?
41:49
Well, that's an interesting one,
41:50
because it's like, why should it pay really up to the guy?
41:53
Well, I mean, me, the way I grew up,
41:55
the way we think about it,
41:57
just statistically speaking,
41:59
who is going to gain more from being married
42:01
are women of the men.
42:03
And I'm not talking about what society
42:04
want to tell us, the reality of it.
42:06
Who gains more?
42:07
It will always be the men.
42:08
It will always be the men.
42:11
Who stands to lose more in a marriage?
42:14
It will always be the women.
42:15
And that's not to say,
42:16
oh, well, it's just a fact.
42:18
Like, no matter how equal of a partner you have,
42:23
he's never going to have to give up his boobs to breastfeed.
42:26
He's never going to have to carry the babies.
42:28
My husband is incredible.
42:30
I couldn't ask for a better equal partner.
42:31
And honestly, if he could do what he would,
42:34
but he can't.
42:34
He biologically cannot carry my kids for me.
42:37
So yeah, at some point in time,
42:38
I have to put my body in danger.
42:40
And yeah, being pregnant is more dangerous
42:42
than like 80% of the jobs you could do in the world.
42:45
At some point in time,
42:46
I have to give up my career.
42:48
At the end of the day, he gains more from marrying me
42:52
than sometimes I would gain from marrying him.
42:54
If he stays single, never has kids, perfectly cool.
42:57
His life won't change so much.
42:59
If I stayed single, never had kids,
43:01
are you kidding?
43:02
I will be leaving a completely different life right now.
43:03
So why should I also be the one that pays for a ring?
43:08
I'm not marrying you, you're marrying me.
43:10
Same thing with a diary.
43:11
I even leave a thought about it like that,
43:13
Iva, and it's actually super interesting.
43:15
And I love, or even just all the small things
43:18
that you pointed out, even just around boobs and body
43:21
and the danger of being like,
43:22
that I'd never thought of that.
43:24
Because you kind of just take it as a given.
43:25
Well, they can't do it.
43:27
I have to.
43:27
So, but no, it's like think about all of it.
43:31
And if you were to try to put that in a monetary form,
43:33
you could not.
43:34
No, you could try.
43:35
Because I have.
43:36
You could try.
43:37
I beat you head.
43:38
Look, you got that, how much it costs to have a surrogate.
43:41
Yeah, true.
43:41
That's a hundred K, easy.
43:43
Give me a ring for a hundred K.
43:45
I'm all the fly that by four kids.
43:47
So, yeah, $400,000, thank you.
43:50
You know how many men I want to be a father?
43:53
I want to be a father.
43:54
I want my legacy.
43:55
Well, that's going to cost you that fantastic, fantastic.
43:59
But can you afford a legacy?
44:01
Because I'm expensive.
44:02
This one is an expensive one.
44:04
Try buying one.
44:05
I swear, honestly, when people try to like downplay
44:09
what I do as a stay at home mom,
44:11
or what it means to be a mother,
44:13
what it means to be a married woman,
44:15
I'm like, try it.
44:16
I gain a lot from having my husband a hundred percent.
44:19
I know that.
44:20
He's an incredible man.
44:22
But him having me, yeah, he also gains a shit ton,
44:26
especially in society.
44:28
So, yeah, buy that ring.
44:30
Go ahead, spend that money.
44:31
Take that down.
44:33
We should pay for that.
44:36
I love it.
44:38
And I don't feel guilty about it.
44:39
I'm so here for those.
44:41
Yeah, I know.
44:42
I really want to be like, it's changed my perspective so much.
44:45
Yeah.
44:46
I was like, Darius, and when you're being bought,
44:48
and like not negative, just misunderstood.
44:51
And honestly, when people tell me that they're like,
44:53
that's not like a being bought, I'm like,
44:54
couldn't afford me.
44:56
So, no, you cannot pay for the companionship.
45:00
You can't, and I don't get me wrong this the same way,
45:02
either way around, I cannot pay for the companionship.
45:04
But that piece that comes to going to work,
45:07
knowing your kids are good,
45:10
knowing they're taking care of their loved.
45:13
You can't pay for that.
45:14
You can have a nanny.
45:15
But when you have a nanny, you're on call.
45:17
Anything happened, it's still you.
45:20
If the school calls, it's still you.
45:22
But right now, my kid needs to come home early
45:24
from school, they'll call me, right?
45:26
Having that piece of mind is what allows him to go to work,
45:30
focus on his career, advance in career.
45:32
All of that, priceless.
45:34
Because you are going to make more money.
45:36
Man, who are married, make more money,
45:38
leave longer, are happier, have better lives.
45:41
You know your shirt, don't you?
45:42
Yeah. I love how much you've thought about this.
45:44
Every time we ask you a question,
45:45
I wonder where she'll say to this.
45:47
I mean, no, no, she's thought about it.
45:49
Yeah.
45:50
I have too many younger sisters.
45:51
We talk about this way too much.
45:53
And I'm clearly a little too passionate about it.
45:55
So, yeah, that's great.
45:56
It's so important.
45:57
Such good energy, thank you.
45:58
I also just think it's really cool that it comes
46:02
from someone that's from a completely different part
46:04
of the world to us,
46:05
and has a completely different experience
46:08
of being in a dynamic of a mother or father in kids.
46:11
And also, I think the coolest part of the whole thing as well
46:14
is that even, you know,
46:16
it's not like your mum modeled this to you either.
46:18
This is just something that you're like,
46:19
hang on a bloody second.
46:21
Yeah.
46:22
This isn't right.
46:23
And I'm actually going to talk about it.
46:24
And I don't care if I'm public.
46:25
I'm going to actually, I'm probably going to get lots
46:27
of people telling me I'm being lazy,
46:29
or the name like blah, blah, blah.
46:30
It's like you actually know.
46:32
Yeah.
46:33
It's it's honestly so empowering.
46:35
And we definitely have a challenge in that.
46:37
The set of core of my family too,
46:38
because African culture men are not supposed
46:41
to do a lot of those things.
46:44
I think in the African culture for the most part,
46:47
the idea of a provider is he goes home, makes money.
46:50
And that's in a lot of culture, honestly,
46:52
brings home the bacon for say, and that's it.
46:54
The only difference for the most part,
46:56
African men also understand that a lot of the time
46:58
we need mannies, we need housekeepers.
47:00
US men don't get that part from what I've gathered,
47:04
because when I post about having a maid or a cleaner,
47:07
a lot of the men that get mad at me
47:09
are like American men because they're like,
47:11
then why does he have a stay-at-home mom?
47:14
Yeah.
47:15
My husband literally has had to go on my page
47:17
and make videos and be like, she's a stay-at-home mom.
47:21
Not my maid, not my cleaner.
47:24
Oh my god, she probably needs to do that.
47:26
He still has to do that.
47:27
But a lot of African men I think in our culture
47:29
don't understand that.
47:30
But here in the US, it's like a stay-at-home mom,
47:33
it's almost like having your built in everything.
47:35
And that's why I'm really excited to have kids in the US
47:38
who are being raised in a different way,
47:39
who can see different ways of doing things.
47:42
I actually started posting my vlogs
47:45
because I wanted to have videos of me going through motherhood
47:48
and saving them for when my kids grow up,
47:50
so they can look at how I balance things,
47:52
what I struggled with, and how I came through it.
47:54
So I'm really excited to have that for my daughters
47:56
and my sons to see.
47:58
And it's gonna be one of those things where,
47:59
hopefully they don't have to go through what I went through
48:01
at the beginning to find that balance.
48:04
But at the time, my daughters have kids,
48:06
they don't have to feel guilty for having an Annie.
48:09
It's just life.
48:11
By the time my daughters have kids,
48:14
I hope they don't have to expect a man
48:17
to just bring home the beacon
48:19
and that's him being an equal partner.
48:21
Well, I hope we're not even having this conversation.
48:23
I meant at that point, you know?
48:24
All of our content pages will be very irrelevant.
48:27
Yes, our business will be down the drain.
48:28
Our business will be down the drain.
48:29
Your content will not not matter anymore.
48:31
Yes.
48:32
And we want to progress, and it'll be great.
48:34
I really hope that, I really do.
48:36
I really hope that we've progressed enough
48:39
to where we don't have to advocate for, you know,
48:42
equal partnership,
48:43
well, that's just the norm.
48:45
Yeah, there were dreams to come true.
48:47
I'm so true.
48:48
But we just wanted to say a big thank you
48:49
that's been the most amazing insightful chair
48:53
and we could have talked for hours and hours.
48:55
I just appreciate you actually doing the brain work
48:58
because I don't think it would have come
49:00
to that conclusion on my own, honestly.
49:02
It's just so refreshing.
49:03
It's like, it was overwhelming,
49:04
but then it was like so easy, actually.
49:07
It makes me feel like I'm worth more.
49:09
I feel more expensive for some reason.
49:10
So same.
49:11
And you are.
49:12
Because like put a price tag on it and you couldn't.
49:14
And you are.
49:15
Yes, shake it.
49:16
I've got so, if I had a hundred kids,
49:19
that's a million dollars that I've made out of my womb.
49:22
Oh gosh, your womb?
49:24
I would have probably no vagina left.
49:27
Come on.
49:29
And on that energetic number.
49:32
But thank you so much for your time.
49:34
And yeah, no, it was so great to have you on.
49:36
So thank you so much.
49:37
Thank you.
49:39
Thank you so much for listening to Raising the Curve.
49:42
These conversations are designed to teach you everything
49:44
that you need to know to be better with your money,
49:46
from saving, to investing, to talking to your friends
49:49
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49:50
And if you'd liked what you heard, we would love it.
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Leave a review.
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50:02
OK, lots of love.
50:03
See you soon.
50:04
Bye.
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