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154: Why Your Circle Might Be Killing Your Growth · Harder Than Life

• 0:07
  I'm Kelly Siegel, and this is Harder Than Life, a podcast about self-love, self-awareness, business, and health. We tell outrageous stories and boil everything down to simple, practical advice you can start using today. Let's get living.
• 0:23
  Hey, HDL Nation, welcome back to Heart of the Life, the podcast where we tackle life, business, health, and mindset with zero fluff and all fire. Today's episode is going to hit different. It's for the person who's going out there grinding in silence, building their vision, but feeling like no one around them gets it. You ever feel like that you're surrounded by people, but still completely alone? What?
• 0:50
  Welcome to the lonely life of an entrepreneur. Let's unpack it, understand it, and most importantly, fix it. Let's get living. Man, does this hit home. When I wrote this, it literally reminds me of me, and I'm going to share all the freaking things I used to get out of it. So let's start by calling it out. Why entrepreneurship is so damn lonely.
• 1:14
  Entrepreneurship is a lonely game. You've got dreams people don't understand. You've got discipline that makes others uncomfortable. You've got conversations in your head that you can't have with your friends or family. Ooh. They say they support you but don't understand what it's like to make payroll with 37 bucks in the bank. Yep, been there, done that. They don't get how heavy it is to carry the vision and the burden.
• 1:43
  This isn't about victimhood. This is about reality. If you own a business, you know exactly what I'm talking about. And those of you that don't and you're still leaders, get in the conversations with the owners about this. They love to teach you. So isolation happens when no one in your inner circle is growing. You're the smartest one in the room. You don't have a space to be vulnerable and ambitious.
• 2:09
  So let me say it clearly. Ambition without a community equals anxiety.
• 2:15
  This is literally why I join all the masterminds, why I have many coaches, and why I have made friends with every leadership person on the planet, because I need to bounce these crazy, visionary ideas off of somebody. Not alone, just have to find your tribe. Remember, I wanna add one more to those lists. You're not alone, no one in your circle is growing, the smartest one in the room,
• 2:41
  You don't have a space to be vulnerable, ambitious. Sometimes you're just a big fish in a little pond. So let's get into a room where you're the smallest fish. I tend to be in rooms where I'm the brokest person and I love it because that means I'm growing and expanding and it's uncomfortable. So my story of loneliness and leadership is very, very simple. I'm gonna share my truth.
• 3:06
  When I first started National Technology Management, I had no community. I had customers, I had employees, and I had noise. But I didn't have people I could be real with. I couldn't vent to my team, I couldn't talk wins with my family, they didn't get it. It was just me, my demons, and a bottle of bourbon, or scotch, for longer than I care to admit. I literally had
• 3:34
  commiserating friends. All we did is talk about how things stunk. Misery loves company. What I learned the hard way is that leadership without connection leads to implosion. It almost cost me my company. It did cost me friendships, relationships, and inner peace. Don't wait.
• 3:56
  Until you burn out or break down, build your healthy circle now. Common traps that keep entrepreneurs isolated. Let's dig into why this happens so often. The no one gets me mindset. So you stop trying to connect. No one's going to understand what I'm doing. Nobody else has done this in the world. How many have said that? Second thing, fear of judgment. So you put on a mask of everything's fine.
• 4:25
  I'm great. I'm happy. You don't want to be judged. That is the number one fear in life is being judged. It's not death. It's being judged. Number three, hyper independence. This is a common trauma response that says, I don't need anyone. I can do this alone. This literally is me. Okay.
• 4:47
  Right now, as I am growing the Heart of Life brand and NTM brand, I am pulling out and realizing I'm the bottleneck and releasing all of the functions and day-to-day to people
• 5:00
  and it feels so foreign because of this, I can do everything on my own. That had to do with my abandonment and the fact that my parents were never around, so I just learned to do everything on my own. It's not a good way to go through life, guys, not a good. The good old comparison trap is another problem in this, why we feel isolated. Scrolling through filtered lives on Instagram thinking you're the only one who's struggling. Man, those are highlight reels.
• 5:27
  You're comparing your first chapter or your second chapter to their 10th chapter. And everybody's always showing, look how amazing my life is. I do it. I forget to send out the negative stuff. And believe me, I've been going through some stuff for the last several months. And then one day, it's all going to click and hit. And everyone's going to be like, oh, look, it's easy for you to say. And that's what overnight success looks like.
• 5:51
  And then the last reason why entrepreneurship feels so lonely is because you outgrow your circle. You're changing. They're not. And it gets weird.
• 6:04
  And I got a newsflash for you. Not everybody is on the same path as you. And that's okay. You can love them for where they're at and keep continuing. So here's the killer. We crave connection but settle for solitude or literally settle at all because we think that's strength. It's not. It's survival.
• 6:27
  It's a coping mechanism. You weren't built to do this alone. There is a power of community for entrepreneurs. And believe me, they're everywhere. So let's flip it. When you do find a real community, one that listens, challenges, and lifts you up, it's like oxygen. I remember when I first walked into my fraternity back in California.
• 6:50
  at Western Michigan University and went, I found other like-minded people. There they are. There's my tribe. I felt so at home. Suddenly you don't have to pretend anymore. You don't have to carry the weight by yourself. True entrepreneurship community gives you belonging without any fake accountability without judgment, growth without judgment.
• 7:15
  through reflection and encouragement and modeling, resources with shared wisdom, and then here's the best one of my favorite, mental health through the shared struggle. Let me tell you, business doesn't get easier, but with the right people, you get stronger. Let me also add, with the right work on your mindset and emotional intelligence,
• 7:43
  You get stronger and better equipped to handle anything. We wise through community, not competition. Ah, this is my favorite part. How to find or build your tribe. So what do you do if you don't have one? Here's your action steps. This is the harder than life meat and potatoes of how of what I did. Step one.
• 8:11
  Audit your circle. Ask yourself, who challenges me to grow? Who supports me without envy? Who understands my vision? If the answer is no one,
• 8:22
  You need to get in different rooms. You need to go find people. And they're all over in communities. If you can't find them, message me. I will steer you into something. You tell me what you're trying to do, I'll find you somebody. Step two, join a room where you're the smallest. I said this in the intro. You want to be the least successful person in your group. That's how you grow. That's how you think bigger.
• 8:47
  Sidebar, this is how I got so big physically. I worked out with people who were twice my size and twice as strong and they pushed me twice as hard. And then I got big. Is do the same thing in business and it really works. Hanging out with like, you've all heard, you are the five people you hang with. If you hang out with five millionaires, you're gonna be the sixth millionaire. Hang out with five losers, you're gonna be the sixth loser. So,
• 9:17
  You are the company you keep. Step three, be real first. Stop leading with your wins. Lead with your struggle. Vulnerability attracts truth. I take that a step further. Not only do I be real first, I do everything first. I give the first lead. I ask the first question. I do everything so I can lead by example and provide as much value as I possibly can
• 9:45
  so they take me serious and know that I'm there with full intention and attention. Step four, curate your energy. Follow people who speak your language, join these masterminds, these forums, these meetups, even virtually start conversations.
• 10:04
  And no, guys, this is not those happy hour meetups, meet and greets. You know how I feel about that. It's just a lot of people use those as excuses because they don't want to go home and they don't like their miserable life. If you're going to these and alcohol is the center of it.
• 10:23
  That is not the room you need to be in. Believe me. Step five, be the community you seek. Create a chat, start a weekly call, invite three business owners to coffee. You don't need a hundred people. Start with three real ones. Going back to step four, you can also text three people a positive message.
• 10:43
  Text the three more people and ask them to join your group. Be the first person to try to get a community together. I have a dear friend. His name is Tony. He always is getting us together if we go too long without each other. He leads first. And you know what? He never keeps score. It is. He's the most beautiful human being ever.
• 11:05
  He's always giving to everybody and he's always trying to lift people up. So go where you're celebrated, not where you're tolerated. Go in bigger rooms. So we're getting into the end. Hopefully you're getting good out of this. I freaking love these solo episodes. I'm loving these business ones. I'm going to be switching these up, but hopefully you're enjoying this. The ripple effect of support. I want to talk about support.
• 11:28
  For me, support always felt funny because I did everything myself growing up. I never had parents to do anything for me. So when somebody tried to help me, I resisted it. So let me tell you what happens when you're in the right room. You start thinking 10 times bigger. Your standards rise. You stop second guessing yourself. You find joy in the journey, not just the grind. And most importantly, you stop suffering in silence.
• 11:58
  Just thought of another one, which is you think literally, it said 10x bigger, but you just become unstoppable. You start thinking, holy smokes, if they did that, I can do it. It's the Roger Bannister four-minute mile. If somebody else is doing it, so can you. You get in a room with people that are doing it, and you can curate whatever. You want to go farther? Go together.
• 12:21
  Trust me, these rooms are worth it. So one text thread with the right people can save your business, your mindset, and your life. Don't underestimate the power of knowing you're not crazy and you're not alone. I have felt that many, many, many times. Guys, I write these and I take notes from my heart. These are true lessons that I've used to get before you today.
• 12:46
  And I really appreciate you tuning into the harder than life podcast. So we're going to keep digging in on what to look for in a real community because I do see these these happy hours that masquerade as communities. I see networking events that that are masquerading as communities. Let's let's dig into that a little more. So what to look for in a real community is before you just jump in just anywhere, understand.
• 13:08
  Not every community is healthy. Look for the green flags. This also works for relationship guys, but let's just talk about healthy communities. People are vulnerable. It's vulnerability over vanity, feedback over fluff, mission over ego, results and heart. And they're willing to jump right in with you and help.
• 13:35
  Avoid groups where it's just highlight reels, hustle porn, or cult-like rah-rah BS. Real community feels like home and a gym. Safe to you, but always pushing you to be better. My final rant is about this loneliness. It's a choice. I will tell you that there are times...
• 13:57
  where you kinda do need to be alone when you're really figuring out things. But here's the hard truth. We live in the most connected world ever.
• 14:07
  And we're never been lonelier. But loneliest today is a choice. You can stay silent and stubborn, or you can get curious and courageous. There are people out there walking the same path, waiting for someone to go first. Be that person. Take the step. Join the room. Start the chat. Open the door. We're not meant to do life or business alone.
• 14:36
  Guys, remember though, it's how you feel when you're in that room. Do you walk out feeling all energized?
• 14:43
  Or are you walking out drained? So this is Kelly Siegel. If this episode hits you, then you know what to do. Share it, DM me, DM me your story. Ask me if you want my opinion on a room. I know a lot of people, a lot of places. I'm well-connected. But tell somebody else who's struggling to listen in. Let's build this together. And until next time, stay strong, stay connected, and always be harder than life.
• 15:12
  Please rate and share this podcast. I'm active on all social platforms and love to hear from my Segal supporters. Each and every episode is sponsored by my company, National Technology Management, the easiest and best IT company to do business with, delivering peace of mind with technology every day, even simplifying cybersecurity. Visit TrustNTM.com for more info. Until next week, be harder than life.