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Enneagram and Parenting : The 9 Keys to be an Influential Mom · The Wholehearted Enneagram Podcast

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: God gave us boundaries to protect, not control, like guardrails.
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_00: They give healthy boundaries with all the room to deviate, but also a good distance from danger.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_00: It's really freedom and safety.
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_00: And like I said, it's up to you to provide calm, consistent, and committed reinforcement of the boundaries.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_00: Remember, you can stay calm and remind yourself to believe in your role.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_00: Be consistent.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: Think about the long term that you want to achieve with your kids.
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_00: And remain committed.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_00: Remember your why and then recommit.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_00: Hi, my name is Amy Wicks, and I love to talk about the gospel message your heart was created to hear.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_00: I'm a Christian Enneagram coach for moms who loves to share resources which help you be confident that you are the best mom for your kids.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_00: I'm a mountain mama who somehow ended up on a cul-de-sac in the Midwest.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_00: I was overwhelmed by motherhood, and I struggled to understand my true motivations.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_00: But the Lord didn't let me stay there.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_00: He helped me turn those challenging moments of motherhood into a wholehearted decision to get intentional with my faith, my marriage, and my kids.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_00: I share a broken-hearted perspective of story, but with wholehearted purpose and plan so you can live a life full of courage and abundance.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_00: Think of this podcast as your on the go mom pal and friend who can't help but talk about Jesus and the Enneagram.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_00: So get to that pile of laundry, or hit the treadmill, or load up the kids in the car for that grocery run.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_00: Get ready to be encouraged and challenged while you listen.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_00: This is the Simply Wholehearted Podcast.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_00: Have you ever wondered if you are ruining your child?
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_00: Do you fear that somehow your shortcomings are creating their childhood message and therefore determining their personality?
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_00: Or perhaps you've heard the Enneagram Soul Child Theory and you're concerned that your parenting is traumatizing your kids into their personality type.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_00: Well, friend, if you can relate, you are not alone.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, I think most moms out there are certain their kids will need to go to therapy once they leave home.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_00: It's completely normal to be frustrated by your child's inconsistencies and to not always get along with your kids.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_00: As the mom, you get to be the main one to connect and train your kids day in and day out.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_00: This is hard work.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_00: And this is why when you realize your stash of chocolate is running low, you feel a little bit of anxiety.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_00: Oh wait, is that just me?
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I've had a few conversations with friends lately that have me guessing that you have heard the soul child theory and you're wondering if it's important for you to understand for yourself and your kids.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_00: Now, as interesting as the soul child theory is, I think it's more of a distraction than it is helpful.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_00: Because my absolute number one secret to parenting with the Enneagram is not to type your child, but to better understand why you do what you do.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_00: Your child's personality determines their filter at which they perceive your love, training, and even the environment that you're raising in.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_00: While you get to set the tone, this doesn't determine their personality.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_00: You just get to participate in the shaping of how they'll flourish and their God-given strengths.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_00: And that is why when you have multiple children, they each walk away with unique perspective and experience.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_00: No matter the stage your child is in, I believe when you better understand your personality, your superpowers, weaknesses, and triggers, it can empower you to adjust your approach with your child.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_00: And now I'm gonna say it one more time for the mom in the back.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_00: It's when you better understand your personality that you'll find yourself thriving in motherhood.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_00: Ultimately, the insights of the Enneagram don't change them or you, but it can shine a light on the areas that you need to stay calm and remind you to believe in your role.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_00: It'll also help you to be consistent and think long term, and even remain committed.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_00: Remember your why and then recommit.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_00: So today we're gonna cover why you should pick your battles wisely, the value of boundaries, and nine keys to influential parenting.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know about you, but before I was a mom, I was the most perfect ideal mom.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I know you two.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_00: Well, just a year into my marriage, one of my dear friends and I began talking about trying to get pregnant around the same time.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_00: We would both laugh and dream about the kind of mom that we would be and the kind of mom we wouldn't be.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_00: We had a strategy for self-care routines.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_00: We imagined how our marriages would continue to thrive.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_00: And we even had ideas about our methods of house cleaning.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_00: Yep, we were pretty sure that they would remain intact and our house was not gonna get chaotic like every other mom out there.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, we were not going to alter our whole universe for our children.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_00: Now, once I did get pregnant, I wrote out my birth plan.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_00: And when I watched other people's kids, I was confident that I would raise mine so much better.
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_00: I read all the books, so my baby would sleep through the night, and in general, well, I just decided I had this mom thing pretty much figured out.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_00: Oh boy, yeah, insert big ego.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_00: But then my first delivery was anything but text but we were just glad to be alive and healthy.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_00: And of course, my first one, well, she didn't sleep through the night.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_00: She didn't sleep until her sister was born 14 months later.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_00: And then my second child, well, she was even a worse sleeper than my firstborn.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_00: But finally, yes, the third one, who came less than two years later, well, he was a fabulous sleeper.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_00: Well, at least for the first 12 months.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_00: I know more times than not, probably like you, my dreams of motherhood were often shattered than realized.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_00: Motherhood was way harder than I bargained for.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_00: And yet, my kids have become some of my most favorite people.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, as we just celebrated recently, 15 years of marriage, it has me thinking about our next big marriage milestone.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, because I'm a forward thinker.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_00: And with the big 20, our life will be looking very different.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_00: I have been reminded how quickly our season with the kids and our home, it goes by quickly.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_00: And motherhood is not about perfection or achieving the ideal.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_00: It's about making the most of the opportunity that we have been given.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_00: When we start this motherhood gig, we may think it's about perfection and achieving the ideal dream, but over time realize it's about imperfect connection.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_00: So today, I'm gonna share my top two parenting ideas to help us build our foundation.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_00: And then I'm gonna share nine specific keys to be the influential parent that you would want to be.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_00: Number one, if we live with the mindset of making the most of every opportunity, well then just pick your battles wisely.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_00: Being right does not win their trust.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_00: Be willing to say sorry.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_00: So you're gonna win respect by showing respect.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_00: I know it's hard to always figure out what battle to fight.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_00: And once you start, sometimes you're gonna have to readjust or decide to stick to your guns.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_00: In episode 121, I believe it's called Enneagram Parenting Secrets, I do give greater explanation on something that I'm gonna summarize right now.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_00: But it's important to understand how your type's interpersonal communication style or stance is, how it impacts your parenting.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_00: Because, like I said before, when you better understand your personality, you'll find yourself thriving in motherhood.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_00: If you know you lead as a three, seven, or eight, you may move on too fast from the training or strife between you and your child.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_00: Learn to slow down, ask better questions, and don't forget to apologize if needed.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_00: This will really help with winning their trust.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_00: Now, if you lead as a one, two, or six, you may stay too long on the training.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_00: You might use conversation and lecture to make you feel better, but your child may need more questions than talking to.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_00: Now don't apologize for needed boundaries.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_00: Do apologize if you get too angry as you discipline and train them.
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_00: If you lead as a four, five, or nine, you might be tempted to bring up your child's past mistakes or let their past mistakes taint their current needs of training.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_00: Try not to get caught up in the past.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_00: Stay in the present with them because your words, training, and apologies are of high value to your kids.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_00: Your words are making an impact.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_00: As you learn to do these things better based on your dominant type, you begin to grow in trust and relationship and understand which battles to pick with your kids.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_00: Now, my second parenting tip to lay the foundation before I share the nine keys is it's so important to build boundaries, boundaries with love.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_00: I have recorded several episodes which cover the message our heart longs to hear.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_00: And it's worth remembering as you build in boundaries to your family values.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_00: But there are three big ideas to sum it up, both what triggers us and triggers them.
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_00: But there are three big ideas to sum up the messages our heart longs to hear.
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_00: Because when we long to hear something and we don't think we're getting it or we're hearing something opposite, it can trigger them and it can trigger us.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_00: First of all, build boundaries to provide security.
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_00: Don't build boundaries out of fear.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_00: Second, build boundaries to remind them of their significance, but don't build boundaries with shame.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_00: And third, build boundaries to provide a safe system of justice.
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_00: Don't use boundaries out of anger or control.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_00: God gave us boundaries to protect, not control, like guardrails.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_00: They give healthy boundaries with all the room to deviate, but also a good distance from danger.
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_00: It's really freedom and safety.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_00: And like I said, it's up to you to provide calm, consistent, and committed reinforcement of the boundaries.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_00: Remember, you can stay calm and remind yourself to believe in your role.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_00: Be consistent.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_00: Think about the long term that you want to achieve with your kids.
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_00: And remain committed.
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_00: Remember your why and then recommit.
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know if I've shared before, but I get to be a PE teacher to kids kindergarten through 12th grade.
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_00: And we have been learning the game Gaga Ball together.
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not sure if you've played it.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_00: It's sort of new.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_00: They have equipment specifically for it, an octagon shape.
• 11:25
  SPEAKER_00: I think it's an octagon.
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_00: No, I'm wondering.
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe hexagon.
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_00: Anyway, has several sides that aren't circle.
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_00: And so it's kind of easy to build.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_00: It just can fit really nicely in a parking lot or in a school playground.
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_00: It's been so interesting teaching these kids this game.
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_00: And of course, ages five years old to 18 years old all have a different opinion on how I reinforce the rules, how I explain the rules, how people get out or don't get out, because not only am I a teacher, but hey, inadvertently, I get to be the ref as well.
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_00: And it's hard.
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_00: It's hard to see all the different people and the plays and who is out and who isn't.
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_00: But I have learned something really key, especially as we interact week in and week out.
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_00: Kids in general, they want to see if we will stay consistent with the boundaries.
• 12:19
  SPEAKER_00: Will we stay consistent with the rules that we have built?
• 12:23
  SPEAKER_00: Will we stay calm when they try to push against those boundaries?
• 12:27
  SPEAKER_00: Will we reinforce them with everybody or are we going to single someone out?
• 12:32
  SPEAKER_00: And are we going to stay committed to it?
• 12:35
  SPEAKER_00: Know when to give and when to take.
• 12:37
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, it was really interesting because I read the rules the wrong way.
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_00: There was one rule in there, a sentence that I misread, and I misread it several times.
• 12:47
  SPEAKER_00: I couldn't believe it.
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_00: But it was one of the main complaints that the kids had that I wanted to play by the gaga ball rules, and they had a very different set of rules, and in particular, this one rule, it didn't make sense.
• 13:00
  SPEAKER_00: And to be honest, it didn't make sense to me either.
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_00: But I said, guys, we're gonna play by the rules.
• 13:05
  SPEAKER_00: If you want to play a different way during break, well, you can do that.
• 13:10
  SPEAKER_00: Well, a few weeks in, for some reason, I was looking at the rules again and realized, oh my goodness, I totally misread that rule.
• 13:20
  SPEAKER_00: I had to go to them, and of course, well, the high school boys had a lot of fun with my apology, but I had to go say, I'm sorry.
• 13:29
  SPEAKER_00: You know what?
• 13:30
  SPEAKER_00: You are right.
• 13:31
  SPEAKER_00: You were correct in your interpretation of the rules.
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_00: I had misread it.
• 13:36
  SPEAKER_00: So let's go ahead and make sure that we end up playing by the rules.
• 13:41
  SPEAKER_00: It was hard to remember my commitment in that moment because it wasn't about the commitment of being right or holding to the rules necessarily, but it was the commitment to be honest and to be full of integrity.
• 13:54
  SPEAKER_00: Because really, at the end of the day, especially a game like Gaga Ball, the best thing that the kids can walk away with is learning a little bit about honesty, integrity, and being good sports.
• 14:06
  SPEAKER_00: So now that we have those big two steps to build our foundation, I have some keys for you to use whether you've determined your child's dominant personality or even yours.
• 14:18
  SPEAKER_00: But first, here is the key for you.
• 14:21
  SPEAKER_00: Remember, mom, that you cannot do all the things perfectly.
• 14:24
  SPEAKER_00: Remember that as a mom or as any human being, you cannot do all the things perfectly.
• 14:31
  SPEAKER_00: You will fail your children at some point.
• 14:34
  SPEAKER_00: Perhaps you'll fail them in some small way every day.
• 14:37
  SPEAKER_00: But I do believe that God set it up this way.
• 14:41
  SPEAKER_00: No one person can be a perfect parent except for Him.
• 14:45
  SPEAKER_00: No one woman can be a perfect mom.
• 14:48
  SPEAKER_00: I believe the Lord wants us to know this, and He wants our kids to know this truth as well.
• 14:54
  SPEAKER_00: When we parent imperfectly, i.e.
• 14:57
  SPEAKER_00: gaga ball rules misread, it's an opportunity to point to a perfect God.
• 15:03
  SPEAKER_00: It was an opportunity for me to go in humility, show my humility, show that, hey, sometimes teachers make mistakes, sometimes adults aren't always right.
• 15:13
  SPEAKER_00: Now, in our imperfections or in our weaknesses, it's not an excuse or an opportunity to blow it because there is forgiveness on the other side.
• 15:24
  SPEAKER_00: But rather, it's an opportunity to have grace for those moments when we're trying and we still fall short of the mark.
• 15:31
  SPEAKER_00: The nine keys that I'm going to share today will be your reminder of the influential parenting rule your kids need.
• 15:39
  SPEAKER_00: None of them have to do with perfection.
• 15:41
  SPEAKER_00: For those of you who understand the type you lead with, you may see which key will provide the best step of growth for you.
• 15:48
  SPEAKER_00: Number one, give them real connection even if it's imperfect.
• 15:53
  SPEAKER_00: Yep, not the pretend perfection.
• 15:55
  SPEAKER_00: I know that perfection word again, right?
• 15:58
  SPEAKER_00: Number two, offer them genuine love with boundaries.
• 16:02
  SPEAKER_00: Not eager to please friendship.
• 16:05
  SPEAKER_00: I know, I know, it's that boundaries word again, but we all need help with it.
• 16:09
  SPEAKER_00: So again, it's not about trying to please them.
• 16:13
  SPEAKER_00: It's giving them genuine love with boundaries.
• 16:16
  SPEAKER_00: Number three, say I love you.
• 16:19
  SPEAKER_00: Not how could you?
• 16:21
  SPEAKER_00: Your kids are never your reflection of success.
• 16:25
  SPEAKER_00: It's hard to separate that sometimes.
• 16:28
  SPEAKER_00: That's real.
• 16:29
  SPEAKER_00: But just remember, when your kids are messing up, when you get that phone call from the principal's office, well, it's not a reflection of your success or even of your intention to be the kind of mom that they need.
• 16:42
  SPEAKER_00: Number four, you've got to remain as their parent, as their mom.
• 16:49
  SPEAKER_00: You are not their peer.
• 16:51
  SPEAKER_00: You might become such great friends in the future, but really not until they're in late high school or it's time for them to leave the nest.
• 17:01
  SPEAKER_00: They might be a very best friend, but for now, you are their mom, you are not their peer.
• 17:07
  SPEAKER_00: Number five, get to know your kids through observation and curiosity.
• 17:12
  SPEAKER_00: Don't just offer instruction.
• 17:14
  SPEAKER_00: It's so easy to get preachy or teachy, but you gotta sit back every once in a while and just really take it in, take it in who they are and what they do.
• 17:26
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes it's just better to offer more questions than instruction.
• 17:30
  SPEAKER_00: Number six, be intentional with creating meaningful messes to help you release any fear of control.
• 17:38
  SPEAKER_00: All right, anyone have a problem with the play-doh getting everywhere and the paint all down the table and onto the floor?
• 17:46
  SPEAKER_00: It is hard.
• 17:48
  SPEAKER_00: But sometimes, and I'm not talking totally out of control ruin the house, it's okay to create opportunities for those meaningful messes, knowing that it cleans up.
• 17:59
  SPEAKER_00: It's a great opportunity to example play and fun, but also cleanup to your kids.
• 18:05
  SPEAKER_00: Number seven, lead with compassion, not contempt.
• 18:11
  SPEAKER_00: Oh friends, this is hard, especially when they're cramping your style, as in limiting your freedom and the whole going out for a girls' night or even going to the grocery store.
• 18:23
  SPEAKER_00: Well, when that's super challenging because of kids, it is hard to not convey possible contempt for how they are limiting you.
• 18:31
  SPEAKER_00: Remember to just put on the cloak of compassion and remind them they're not trying to hinder you.
• 18:37
  SPEAKER_00: They're not trying to cramp your style.
• 18:39
  SPEAKER_00: They are a blessing and it's something that we can learn to work alongside of.
• 18:45
  SPEAKER_00: And remember, it won't be like this forever.
• 18:48
  SPEAKER_00: Number eight, be aware that you need to walk with them and not over them.
• 18:54
  SPEAKER_00: Friend, sometimes it's so easy when we're on a mission, when we've got a task at hand, or when we know what's right, yeah, forget it.
• 19:03
  SPEAKER_00: We're just going to have our way.
• 19:05
  SPEAKER_00: We got to remember that they're learning, they're in training, and we do need to, like a little kid just learning to walk, well, we don't expect them.
• 19:14
  SPEAKER_00: We hold their hand, we give them short distances to accomplish at a time.
• 19:19
  SPEAKER_00: It's the same way with our kids.
• 19:21
  SPEAKER_00: We've got to evaluate where they are in their maturity and to make sure that we just don't plow right over them in order to get our message across or to help them learn something new.
• 19:32
  SPEAKER_00: And number nine, your parenting makes a difference.
• 19:36
  SPEAKER_00: And your opinion and your presence matter.
• 19:40
  SPEAKER_00: Don't back down when they are pushing back.
• 19:44
  SPEAKER_00: And friends, I know it's hard for you to stay, stick to your guns, and even though there's stubbornness inside of you, sometimes you just get worn down because your kids are so darn persistent.
• 19:57
  SPEAKER_00: But don't back down.
• 19:58
  SPEAKER_00: You can make a difference.
• 20:00
  SPEAKER_00: Your opinion and your presence matters.
• 20:03
  SPEAKER_00: I firmly believe these nine keys are valuable no matter your type, and you will see transformation as you begin to implement them in your parenting.
• 20:13
  SPEAKER_00: You will see stronger connections as you build boundaries with love, pick your battles wisely, and be aware of your personality blind spots so your superpowers can shine.
• 20:24
  SPEAKER_00: Remember, there are no perfect moms.
• 20:26
  SPEAKER_00: Just teachable moms who take the invitation for new mercies every day and are not afraid to apologize when necessary.
• 20:35
  SPEAKER_00: I really do believe you will go from I'm not a perfect mom to now I'm making the most of my opportunity.
• 20:44
  SPEAKER_00: When you learn to extend grace to yourself, you are able to have more fun in your motherhood.
• 20:50
  SPEAKER_00: Remember, one of my secrets to parenting with the Enneagram is to not type your child, but to better understand why you do what you do.
• 20:59
  SPEAKER_00: Once you build boundaries with love, learn to pick your battles wisely, and then use the nine keys to influence your children, they will be all you can be, and you'll be a heck of a lot happier.
• 21:10
  SPEAKER_00: So, friend, you will continue to hit bumps in the road with connecting with your child, but remain curious and engaged, which keeps you connected at deeper levels.
• 21:20
  SPEAKER_00: And the sweet mom-child connection is the best possible outcome.
• 21:25
  SPEAKER_00: If you would like more on this topic specific to Enneagram insights, like helping you connect with your children, you can check out one of my episodes that I mentioned before.
• 21:35
  SPEAKER_00: It's episode 121 and happens to be with my daughter as well.
• 21:38
  SPEAKER_00: And in my Enneagram Roadmap video guide, I give you an in-depth look at each of the stances that I talked about today.
• 21:46
  SPEAKER_00: You can use the information from your Enneagram roadmap for your kids, your friends, and yourself.
• 21:51
  SPEAKER_00: You'll learn critical elements of the Enneagram in less than 30 minutes and have lifetime access to review again and again.
• 21:59
  SPEAKER_00: Next week we're going to continue our conversation about making the most with Barb Roos.
• 22:05
  SPEAKER_00: She is passionate about helping women navigate tough seasons like waiting and helping them turn to the Lord and the promises in his word.
• 22:13
  SPEAKER_00: If you found this episode helpful, I would be delighted to have you share it with a friend.
• 22:18
  SPEAKER_00: And remember, give yourself the time to learn your story wholeheartedly, slowly, and communally.
• 22:25
  SPEAKER_00: I want you to know that you are the mom for the job and you can love like it.
• 22:30
  SPEAKER_00: So until next time, continue to pursue perspective, purpose, and plans for a simply wholehearted life.