Latest / Morrow Marriage | Disrupting Divorce / How To Fix Resentment Fast | You're Keeping The Wrong List | The 'NEW' Marriage | Ep470

Transcript

How To Fix Resentment Fast | You're Keeping The Wrong List | The 'NEW' Marriage | Ep470 · Morrow Marriage | Disrupting Divorce

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Scorekeeping is bad, but when is it good?
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_00: The impact that impacts trust.
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_00: Carrying the load, manipulation, boundaries, and covert contracts, the emergency poop story, the erectile dysfunction.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_00: Scorekeeping is bad, but when is it good?
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to the Moral Marriage Podcast, guys.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_00: And this one should be good because we talk about scorekeeping in a very, very negative way.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_00: And the reason is simple.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_00: We kind of touched on it with the insecurity episode a few episodes ago.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_00: Essentially, scorekeeping is when you keep track of all the things that your partner does wrong, the things that they don't do right, the things that uh they do to hurt you, to prove that they don't love you or try hard enough.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_00: Why is this important um to not do is because you're it's if you're a man in my program, I say you're a man out of control.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: Because what happens is you literally start looking for everything to prove that your partner is wrong so that you can try to get more of what you want.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_00: But here's the issue: you love your partner until you don't feel like they try hard enough as you keep this score.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_00: The time that you you you get to this point where there's too many things that she must not be or he must not be trying hard enough, and then you start to pull back or shut down or cope with whatever work, alcohol, whatever.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, and then um until finally that list gets a little bit too long and you boil over and enter the long talks where you're trying to fix it, but they're typically lectures to and that all the way to the scream faster raging, the flipping around of bed, the fucking bullshit.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, scorekeeping is bad.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_00: It's bad.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_00: What is it good?
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_00: When you can keep track of things, not because you're keeping a list that you write down, okay?
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_00: But when you are just aware of your surroundings and your understanding, and you'll know it's good because when you have a conversation about what it is you want to do to move forward or whatever, when you have some proof, it can help, it can, it can matter, okay?
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and you'll know it's real because you'll still feel the same way the next day, days later, whatever.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_00: Okay?
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_00: But you'll know it's not real or it's bad because you'll typically throw everything in your partner's face, excuse me, until eventually you feel like you want to say sorry, I I fucked up.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_00: I mean I shouldn't have said that.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_00: I shouldn't.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_00: And that's the other reason you can tell they're bad is when everything or anything on the list is a lie.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_00: That's why I said if it's good, you will still feel the same way about certain things later.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_00: Now, there's another set of scorekeeping ideas that I there's another scorekeeping idea that I have, and it's a set of items on on a piece of well, I say your notepad on your on your phone.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_00: It's just a huge, massive list of everything that you love about your partner.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_00: I love this.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_00: It's called Lovers List.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_00: You can use it for many things.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_00: Number one way to use a lovers list is to be able to compliment your partner, give affirmations, write a beautiful Mother or Father's Day card, to be able to give real gratitude, to be able to have a conversation and show real appreciation for things.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_00: An example I would teach in my program is like a Mother's Day example, actually, and it would be like, you're the best mom.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_00: I and keep in mind, I know best mom is kind of weak.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_00: I appreciate how much you do to learn about being a better parent, how much you influence me as a father, how much I've watched our children grow by your example and what that example would actually look like if it was me alone.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_00: I appreciate you.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_00: You know, like you can go deep because you acknowledge the work that she's done for the courses she's taken, the books that she read, the coaching she's hired to become a better mom, to struggle through some of the things like our little assholes can be sometimes, and then come to us and be like, or come to, I mean, husbands at this point.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_00: This is both ways though, and be able to like share how she feels guilty because she yelled or whatever, and like be able to show real appreciation because that's not the mother that she is.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_00: The mother is the one that you're realizing on this list.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_00: And it's just one example.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_00: Fuck, you'll start the list doing things like you're beautiful, you're hot.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_00: If you're a man, you're like, I like your box.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_00: Like you like, you start to go.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_00: I like your box.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_00: You just start to go into basics, but your list and your categories expand and expand, expand.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_00: Like your smart is way deeper.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I don't just love Catherine's main brain.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_00: I love that she's smarter than Google and AI.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_00: I love that I should be talking to you right now.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_00: I love that you're smarter than Google and AI.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_00: I love that you have the ability to turn almost anything into this crazy, fun, positive joke that's like wit.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_00: Like when Catherine used to have wit as a weapon for sure.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_00: But when I taught her about how I think it should be wit for good, I mean you embrace that.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_00: That's because she's brilliant, but she's with she uses that brain and she is funny and charismatic and quick on her feet.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_00: And like there's so many reasons her brain is so powerful, but we don't say things like that to our partner, right?
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_00: So the number one way you can use the positive scorekeeping is to call what or create what I call lovers list and expand and expand and expand on it.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_00: Everything about them.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_00: And it's okay to say things like, you're beautiful, and I like having sex with you, and I like your brain, and and you're funny, but then go deeper and why.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_00: You know, why is she beautiful or he beautiful?
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_00: Number two reason this is all so important is because thinking back to the narkout episode from the last one we were talking about with recording a fight or not.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_00: Had I used my list, just take a break.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_00: You said what?
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, pause, take a break and go look at your list.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_00: Fuck, read it to them at the same time, right there.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_00: Why are you doing that?
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_00: That's weird.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_00: I was talking about you being afraid of, yeah, but I was taking a real personal and I'd like to read this to you.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_00: Focus on I mean, I've never done that with you, I just think about it right now.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_00: It'd be awesome.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_00: Like, focus on what you love.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_01: If someone is dysregulated, they're probably not gonna be able to do it, but yeah, I think it'll be very difficult because you get stuck.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_01: You get stuck in whatever dysregulation, whatever whatever emotion, because dysregulation is a lot of different emotions.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_01: Whatever emotion you're stuck in, it might be very difficult to intentionally read a list of positive things.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_01: You might not even be able to bring yourself to do it.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_01: Or you might bring it, or you might read it, and then you'll be like, well, I didn't even mean that one.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_01: Like you'll be an asshole.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe, but I still think, I mean, I I've never got the feedback that this didn't really work.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_00: But I have had feedback where I did, I paused and I read my list and it was just awesome.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_00: It it's not gonna solve anything, guys, using it for this this positive way, but it is going to potentially stop you from losing it, going over the edge.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_00: That's for sure.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_00: It will also give you a cooldown.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_00: Catherine recommends that sometimes.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_00: I don't, I want you to learn how to get through it, but like at the end of the day, in the beginning, you might need one.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_00: Is there anything you'd like to add so far, Ben?
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_00: No.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_01: I think the lovers list.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_01: We've recorded this one twice, guys, because uh yeah, it was a couple weeks ago we recorded it and the audio didn't show up.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_01: And I think the lovers list list was my contribution.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_01: The rose-colored glasses, the lover's list, the opposite of score keeping in a negative way was score keeping in a positive way.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_01: So you already gave my contribution.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, that's right.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_00: So yeah, what we're saying is, guys, in our it's the same thing.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_00: Catherine calls it rose color-colored uh glasses or lenses, I think.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_00: Glasses.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_00: Glasses, and I call it lovers lists.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_00: The idea is to be positive, to be able to remember why.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_00: This is so powerful because you can do this for it.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_00: Like when we talk about saving your marriage, guys, or in other words, helping you create the new marriage, we always start with what did what did why did this start great for you guys?
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_00: Why did you get married?
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_00: What did you love about your marriage?
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_00: Because when you understand the things that you love, you can bridge the gap.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_00: And it's so much more powerful than disconnecting further and further and further by beating your partner down with this list you have in your brain that is almost always built up and and stacked with more and more negativity, more and more insecurity, more and more anxiety, more and more fear, and quote unquote negative proof or evidence of the actual a lot of it's not even fact, man.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_00: It's just not.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_00: And I was the king of score key.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_00: Holy.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_00: It's bad, it's bad.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_00: Okay?
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_00: Alright, guys.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_00: See you next time.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_01: Bye.