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Why Men don't like Counseling · Head Shrink Inc.

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: Hey there, Doc David.
• 0:02
  SPEAKER_01: Let's talk about why men don't like counseling.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_00: You are listening to Head Shrink Inc.
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_00: Your answers to life, relationships, and daily living.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_01: Hey friends, welcome to Head Shrink Inc.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_01: I am Doc David.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_01: I am the host of this show, and I like to talk about things and give my opinion about things.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_01: So listen in because I'm going to give my opinion today.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_01: I did survive snow apocalypse 2019 in the Pacific Northwest.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_01: I lost power once for about six hours.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_01: Then my neighbor's tree fell on his wire, which affected me, and then I lost power for 30 hours.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_01: And I don't have I'm on a well.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_01: And so when there's no power to your well, then there's no water that comes into your house.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_01: So then it's like, oh no, what are we going to do?
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_01: We have to go to the bathroom.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_01: And uh so our idea was to put snow in the back of the tanks of the toilets, and then we were able to flush them.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_01: Um but and it's funny because I when I tell people that our power went out, like, oh now you know what it's like to live in a third world country.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_01: And it's aren't these kind of things great?
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_01: It just reminds us is how we used to live.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_01: And I tell them, no, no, I I don't need to know what it's like to live in a third world country.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_01: I already know that it's not a fun thing.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_01: Um so, anyways, we got our power back, and uh then it was fun.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_01: Snow's fun when you have power, but when you don't have power, at least for me, it stresses me out because then there's the freezer that's not working, and so are you gonna have to take all that food to someone's house that has a freezer that works, and it it's I want to say first world problems, but anyways, it's problems all around.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_01: So I wanted to talk about um men today.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_01: So if you're a wife listening, you could just kind of have this on when your man's around, so maybe they overhear it, or you could directly like say, hey, listen to this podcast, it's talking about you, it's a guy talking about guys.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_01: Um, but whatever you do, I'd love for your guys to listen to this and let you know if they agree or disagree.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_01: But one of the things that I have found as I've worked with couples is that inevitably um 90% of the phone calls I get to schedule new clients are um the female of the species.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_01: The 10% of guys that I do get uh to make new clients are uh to to become new clients, they're usually calling out of desperation because their partner is about to leave them and has said something to the effect of you better call a counselor or I'm out of here.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_01: And so that 10% potentially a lot of times, I'll say I'll say it's nine percent, because then one percent are guys that are actually wanting to try to do things and have personal growth, but but the nine percent are guys that are desperate um for help because they don't want to lose their wife, and so uh uh one of the things that I think, okay, I I get it, I'm a guy, and um there's definitely a stigma when it comes to counseling for guys, and so I wanted to talk about some of those reasons of why guys don't like counseling.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_01: And um I I say this because of experience in working with guys that have done counseling, and then my own experience with counseling.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and so number one is guys typically, and a lot of this is just typically in general.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not saying all guys, so don't don't hear me say this and think not all guys are like that.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_01: My guy isn't like that.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_01: Chances are your guy is like that, you just don't know.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_01: But I'm I'm generalizing, I'm not saying all guys are like this.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_01: Um most guys they don't like feeling vulnerable.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_01: Um and so I think that there's been this uh societal thing in the past where there is this belief that you know men need to be tough.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_01: Um and I don't think it's any accent that men um dominate fields in which there's kind of this stereotypical toughness, like military, police, um, and and things like that.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_01: You know, parents, what do you teach your kids?
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_01: Be tough, don't cry, suck it up, suck it up, buttercup.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_01: You'll be fine, that doesn't hurt.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_01: Um, take it like a man, right?
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_01: Like there's all these phrases in our society that teach men to not be vulnerable, and that if you are vulnerable, it's a bad thing.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_01: And so I think that's one of the things about counseling.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_01: Counseling is a place where you know typically you're supposed to be vulnerable and talk about your feelings and open up, and that is hard, that's hard for me to do.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and and I'm like a trained professional, so it's definitely hard for people that have never done it before.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_01: And so I think that's that is definitely one of the reasons that men don't enjoy coming to counseling.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_01: Um now, another one is counseling feels like a failure.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_01: Now, this guys love to be able to accomplish things.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_01: Um, that's why often you know you you hear about the honeydew list, and so uh a partner makes a honeydew list, and then the honey do the list, and they can cross the list off, and like, yes, I've accomplished these things, I am a man.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_01: Um but men like to be recognized for the things that they have done well, and that and that's valuable to a lot of men.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_01: And so it's it's often hard to acknowledge when we haven't done something well, and it's easier to avoid conversations around that.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_01: And I think probably what happens, especially in marriage, is like there's times where you have to talk about difficult things, and not talking about those difficult things can lead to more difficult things until it gets to the point where one of the partners is just tired and wants to leave.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_01: And so I think men, counseling again, feels like failure for men.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_01: I think that it instead of feeling like, hey, this is just a place with a third party where we can talk about some challenges, too many times it it has seemed like, well, I'm not doing it right, and I don't know how to do it right, and therefore I'm just gonna leave the relationship.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_01: And I think a lot of times in uh what in marriages that I've seen that aren't doing well, the the part one partner has pointed out, you don't know how to do this thing, you're a failure at this, right?
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_01: And so it's then going to counseling is just a they're worried there's gonna be more of that message.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_01: And definitely I don't talk, I don't do that.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, I don't know any counselors that pile onto people when they come into counseling.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, if there is, if you have a counselor that does that, you probably should see a different counselor.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_01: Um, one one thing that is very um evident in relation a lot of relationships that I see is there's this control factor.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_01: And so a lot of times men feel controlled by their partner, and so their partner says, We are going to counseling, and it's just a continuation of the pattern of control in the relationship.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_01: And so be being controlled by somebody doesn't feel great, and and so they initially will just say, No, I'm not gonna go that go to that because it's part of that control pattern that they have with their partner.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_01: Um, when a when a spouse forces their partner to go into counseling by blackmail leverage or any other type of force, it doesn't usually go well.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_01: And and I can see it in session, right?
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_01: A guy comes in, his arms are folded, he's sitting, you know, protectively up against the arm of the sofa, or he glares at me when he walks through the door.
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_01: And and I I like to point that out because I think it it generally can disarm somebody because like they're they're feeling like I don't want to be here.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_01: And so if I can say to them, I it sure seems like you don't want to be here, it gives them an opportunity to let me know that they don't want to be here, and then that's just taken care of.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_01: Um I I'm not intimidated by it.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_01: I some therapists maybe, but I actually find it enjoyable to have those difficult conversations, and because then it leads into like why is this hard?
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_01: And then we can talk about control and and feeling forced by a partner, which then opens up the conversation um to talk about stuff that they don't normally talk about.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_01: Um something else that and this wouldn't be just for men, but I think for all people, change is really difficult.
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_01: So a person doesn't generally want to go to counseling because they think I'm gonna have to change and do something different.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_01: And it's interesting because um as I was thinking about doing this podcast, I had I just got done working with somebody today where they got tired of being stuck and feeling like a bad person, and they want to change, and so they made the effort to call me up and set up an appointment to start that conversation about change.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_01: And this is a guy came up, came in under his own volition, and no one forced him to come here.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_01: And so I think that is the ideal.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_01: Like you make an appointment to come and you recognize that change needs to happen.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_01: Um, so knowing that you need to do something different and then actually doing it is is difficult because there's so much attached to it, there's vulnerability that's attached to it, there's talking about um emotions that's attached to it, and you may not like what you find, and you may not like the things that you have to do to change.
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_01: And so change is hard.
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, essentially that's one of the reasons guys don't like to come uh to counseling.
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_01: Um, another one, now we talked a little bit about control by your spouse, but another one is like uh is a man likes to be in control of their life, and so going to counseling potentially puts them out of control.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_01: Um so, for example, I had a couple in here yesterday, and we were talking specifically about like about the control aspect of him needing to know where his wife is and what she's doing, and how that actually relates to probably to insecurity internally for him.
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_01: And what what better reason to come into counseling than to try to talk about this insecurity that you're having, which is leading you to control your partner, um, or or leading you to need to be in control of your life and not let anyone else have a say in it?
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_01: I think that's another reason that men often don't want to come to counseling because of the control.
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_01: So, when you and your husband or partner first met, you were swept off your feet, and you would probably do anything for one another.
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_01: And so what happens is that over time this changes.
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_01: Um, people become selfish, life gets in the way, kids are born, and so that you forget um all those wonderful things that you thought about each other in the very beginning of your relationship.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_01: And so going to a counselor is one way to um find some common ground to reconnect on.
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_01: Um and if I can give you one suggestion, I mean, if you're if you feel like you're in that place as a couple and you're thinking, I I need to reconnect with my partner, if you have those thoughts, I really want to encourage you to seek out a third party or to put an effort into reconnecting.
• 11:49
  SPEAKER_01: Because a lot of times when people call me and they darken my door, they are very far gone.
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_01: And I feel horrible because I want to help people stay together.
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_01: Um, but sometimes people come in here and and there have been so many hurtful and harmful, harmful things done in the marriage that or the relationship that it's next to impossible to keep them together.
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm I become a last resort, and I do not want to be a last resort.
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_01: And so that's why checkups with can with a counselor is great, tune-ups are great, retreats are great, because those are all times where you can um reconnect while you're still interested in one another.
• 12:32
  SPEAKER_01: A lot of times people come to me, they're not interested, but they just want to give it one last try.
• 12:36
  SPEAKER_01: And it's like, oh my goodness, that's practically impossible.
• 12:40
  SPEAKER_01: And so I would say if you're in a place like that and you still feel connected, um take a time to go on a marriage retreat or some special time when it's just you and your spouse without kids, because that could be a thing that really gets you reconnected so you can avoid um calling me out of desperation, and uh you can ultimately save your marriage.
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_01: All right.
• 13:04
  SPEAKER_01: So if you have any questions, feel free to give me an email or drop me an email or send me an email.
• 13:09
  SPEAKER_01: How about that?
• 13:10
  SPEAKER_01: Send me an email at headshrinkinc.
• 13:13
  SPEAKER_01: That's headshrinkinc at gmail.com, or you can find my Facebook page at www.docdavid.net, and you can feel free to make fun of me on my Facebook page at DocDavid or ask me questions, and I try to answer those as best I can.
• 13:33
  SPEAKER_01: Thanks for listening in, and we will see you the next time iPod.