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S2E50 - Power Struggles with Kids: The Surprising Fix That Works · Play Therapy Parenting: Real Parenting Questions Answered by a Child Therapist

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  You're listening to the
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  Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
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  Hi,
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  I'm Dr. Brenna Hicks,
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  The Kid Counselor.
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  This is the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast where I give you insight,
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  awareness,
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  and enlightenment about your parenting
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  and your relationship with your kids.
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  In today's episode,
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  I am answering a question from Brianna,
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  and this is about
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  girls,
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  siblings,
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  daughters.
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  And some of the behaviors
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  that are struggles at home
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  and just asking for some tips and strategies
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  on how to navigate some of those difficulties.
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  So Brianna,
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  thank you so much for the email.
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  I appreciate you reaching out.
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  So let me read parts of what came in and then we'll dive in together.
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  I'm a mom to a 9 and a 6 year old,
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  and we're dealing with a lot of sass.
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  Asking them to do chores or something else always turns into a fight.
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  The girls fight constantly,
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  and I'm struggling to manage it all.
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  My 9 year old is smart but knows how to push my buttons,
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  and I feel our relationship could be stronger.
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  Maybe I'm too harsh.
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  I push her to read and do math daily because I want her to succeed in school,
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  unlike me.
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  She's also very clingy,
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  loves hugging kids and doesn't understand personal space.
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  I've talked to her about respecting others' boundaries,
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  but it's ongoing.
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  She's also struggling with self-care.
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  I'd appreciate some advice on how to tackle these issues.
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  All right,
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  so
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  I know that probably Brianna to you feels like a whole bunch of
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  very diverse and distinct issues.
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  The interesting thing about
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  perceiving kids' behavior in light of a funnel
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  is you can almost funnel it down to one undercurrent,
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  and what you're describing with your nine year old is power and control.
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  So if we see everything through that lens,
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  I think it will make this make a lot more sense and not feel so disjointed.
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  So the fact that when you ask them to do something,
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  you get sass,
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  as you say,
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  and it always turns into a fight,
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  power and control grab.
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  The fact that they're fighting with each other,
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  power and control grab.
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  The fact that she's pushing your buttons,
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  power and control grab,
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  the fact that she
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  is clingy and doesn't understand personal space,
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  power and control.
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  And
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  not wanting to do self-care routine
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  and regimen,
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  power and control.
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  All right,
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  so now let's
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  tease this apart a little more.
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  We know
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  that kids only have control over 5 things.
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  So
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  when you're young.
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  You really are told what,
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  where,
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  when,
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  how,
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  why
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  to do everything.
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  And so you can
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  have some power,
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  have some control
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  with eating,
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  sleeping,
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  toileting,
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  obeying.
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  There's a limited set of options here and she's bringing all of them in.
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  So,
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  in light of that,
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  one of the most important things that you can do is to give her lots of choices.
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  Choice giving is going to be the antidote to the power struggle
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  because if you consistently provide her with choices,
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  you're OK
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  with both choices that you offer.
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  So you're this isn't carte blanche,
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  she gets to do whatever she wants and she gets to rule the roost.
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  That's the myth when parents hear about the choice giving concept,
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  they're like,
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  so kids just get to choose whatever they want to do all the time.
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  No,
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  it's within parameters and boundaries that you're comfortable with.
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  So for example,
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  if you ask her to
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  do chores.
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  And she doesn't want to.
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  First,
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  you're going to validate her feeling.
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  Oh,
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  you really don't want to empty the dishwasher right now.
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  Hey,
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  she needs to feel heard and understood.
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  She's not wrong for not wanting to empty the dishes.
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  Who does really?
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  I know there's like a few of you that really like emptying the dishwasher,
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  but like
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  most of us would rather not.
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  So
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  if she
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  says,
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  I don't want to do that,
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  OK,
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  that can be perceived assass and power,
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  but it's also her expressing that
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  she just doesn't really enjoy it.
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  So we're going to validate that.
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  You really wish you didn't have to do that.
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  You don't really like emptying the dishwasher.
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  OK,
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  it's a neutral acknowledgement.
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  She's not wrong for feeling that way.
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  Then you can give her an empowerment choice.
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  You really don't want to do that,
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  so you can choose to do it in 5 minutes,
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  or you can choose to do it in 10 minutes.
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  Which do you choose?
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  Now,
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  you
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  are
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  hypothetically,
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  I'm,
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  I'm air quoting because I would assume you would be OK
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  with her doing it in 5 or 10 minutes.
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  I'm pretty sure the goal is that the dishes get emptied.
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  So if
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  it's going to be a fight otherwise.
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  Would you really care if she does it in 5 or 10 minutes?
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  I suspect not.
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  So you are OK with the parameters of the choice.
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  But now you've given her a measure of control.
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  Does she want to do it in 5 minutes or does she want to do it in 10 minutes?
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  Now all of a sudden she's not going to fight for so much power and control
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  and say,
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  no,
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  I absolutely refuse.
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  I don't want to,
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  you're the worst mom ever.
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  She's going to say,
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  I choose to do it in 10 minutes.
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  And the beauty of choice giving is when a child chooses.
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  From two options
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  there is automatic buy-in.
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  There's automatic ownership.
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  If she says I choose 10 minutes.
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  When the 10 minutes are up,
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  if she says anything other than,
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  OK,
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  I'll go do the dishes now,
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  you're just going to say,
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  You still don't want to do them,
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  but you chose to do them in 10 minutes,
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  and it's been 10 minutes.
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  Yeah,
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  but I just,
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  I wanna keep doing this.
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  You wish you could keep doing that,
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  but it's been 10 minutes and you chose to do it in 10 minutes,
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  so it's time to do the dishes now.
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  So if you can continue to provide choices and then you fall back on the choice.
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  There's going to be a natural ownership that comes
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  from her making decisions and she has a measure of power,
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  so she will not power struggle as much.
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  Same thing with the hygiene and the self-care.
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  You can choose to have me brush your hair,
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  or you can choose to brush your hair,
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  which do you choose?
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  You can choose to use this toothpaste to brush your teeth,
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  or you can choose to use this toothpaste to brush your teeth,
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  which do you choose?
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  You're just going to put choices in place as much as possible.
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  It doesn't work if you don't say choose 3 times though.
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  So if you say,
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  do you want to use this toothpaste or this toothpaste?
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  That's not a choice.
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  It has to be very clear that you're giving her a choice,
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  so you're gonna say the word choose 3 times.
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  Do you choose to use this toothpaste or do you choose to use this toothpaste,
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  which do you choose?
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  And over time,
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  she is going to realize she does not have to fight for so much power and control,
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  because
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  you're constantly giving her measures of power and control.
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  And it will naturally reduce the power struggles.
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  My final thought for you,
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  Brianna,
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  is you said
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  I.
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  I am constantly pushing her to read and do math.
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  I want her to succeed.
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  Maybe I'm too harsh.
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  A lot of times we try to make up
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  for things that we wish were different for ourselves
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  in the way that we parent our kids we're
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  trying to break a cycle we're trying to stop dysfunction
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  we're trying to change the trajectory
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  because we didn't like
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  our childhood or what we experienced,
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  so we're trying to change that for our kids
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  and that's a noble pursuit.
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  The balance
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  is understanding adulthood bias.
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  Kids are not rational.
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  Kids are not cognitive.
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  They don't have abstract reasoning.
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  They're not going to think their way through anything.
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  So one of the things that we need to do
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  is understand that they are completely emotional and experiential.
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  She's a big feeler.
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  I can tell by what you're describing.
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  She feels things deeply.
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  She's sensitive.
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  Adulthood bias wants her to think
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  and use her brain
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  and to be logical and to be rational and understand personal space
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  and want to read and do math because it's good for her.
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  She's not gonna be any of those things because she's not an adult.
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  That's our adulthood bias kicking in.
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  So one of the things that we need to do is make sure we reflect her feelings
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  as much as possible.
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  She's a sensitive emotional kid.
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  Do that with both of your girls,
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  but specifically your 9 year old.
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  And then further,
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  devote at least 15 minutes.
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  To just spending time with her
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  to build the relationship
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  because if you're concerned that you're a little bit too harsh,
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  the repair for that
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  is unconditional love and acceptance and quality time
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  where you focus on the relationship
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  and nothing else
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  so budget in 15 minutes where you just are with her.
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  You just do what she wants to do for 15 minutes.
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  And if she wants to tell you something,
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  if she wants to paint,
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  she wants to draw,
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  she wants to sing,
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  she wants to show you a dance move,
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  she wants to do a puzzle with you,
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  whatever,
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  it's just quality time.
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  15 minutes doesn't have to be long.
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  But what you're communicating is,
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  I unconditionally love and accept you,
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  and kids naturally behave in more self enhancing ways
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  when they feel unconditionally loved and when the relationship
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  is at the heart of the connection.
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  So
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  that's what I recommend.
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  Those three
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  things,
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  provide choices as much as possible.
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  Make sure that you're giving her 15 minutes of
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  no agenda.
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  I just want to be with you and focus on the relationship time.
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  And reflect her feelings because she's a sensitive kid,
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  understanding how adulthood bias is getting in the way.
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  She's not gonna to think her way through things,
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  she's not gonna be rational.
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  You can talk to her all day long about boundaries,
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  it doesn't mean anything.
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  She feels,
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  and when she feels she wants to give hugs.
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  She doesn't know any better because she's not thinking about it.
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  It's not purposeful,
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  it's not manipulative.
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  She's just emotional,
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  so she's going to show you
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  that she cares.
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  She's gonna show her friends that she loves them by hugging them.
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  That's the way that she's going to behave.
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  She will naturally sorted out
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  as she matures,
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  as she grows,
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  as she starts to have more objectivity.
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  But don't let adulthood bias get in the way of the connection.
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  That's what's going to make the biggest change.
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  So Brianna,
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  thank you so much for the question.
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  I appreciate it.
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  I am always grateful when you all
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  want to hang out with me and,
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  and,
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  and chat about your kids.
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  So if you have something you'd like to share,
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  please email me brenna@thekidcounselor.com.
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  I read every one,
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  I will respond,
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  I promise.
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  So I'm grateful for you,
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  pour into your kids,
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  love your kids.
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  They're the greatest thing that we're gonna do in this life is raising our children.
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  So keep it up,
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  it's worth it.
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  Love you all.
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  Bye.
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  Thank you for listening to
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  the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
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  For more episodes and just subscribe to our newsletter,
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  please go to www.playtherapyparenting.com.