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5 Reasons Narcissists Treat Strangers Better Than Their Partners and God's Input on it! · Toxic Relationship Podcast

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_02: Welcome back to the Toxic Podcast.
• 0:02
  SPEAKER_02: I'm Pastor Jake O'Connell, and today we have a very special guest, Shannon Alder, best-selling author and life coach, and the author of the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Bible.
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_02: Shannon, thank you for joining us.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you, Pastor Jake.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_00: It's a real honor to be here, and I'm looking forward to diving into a topic that confuses and hurts so many people.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_02: Absolutely.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_02: Today we're talking about something I hear all the time from people in relationships with narcissistic individuals.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_02: Why do they treat strangers better than their own partners?
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_02: It's one of the most painful and confusing dynamics.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_02: Shannon, can you start by explaining why this happens so often?
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_01: Of course.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_01: You know, the person you fell in love with could be charming, generous, and kind to everyone else.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_01: The cashier, the coworker, the neighbor.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_01: But behind closed doors, that same person becomes critical, impatient, or emotionally absent.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_01: And when you try to tell others, they say, but they're always so nice to me.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_01: That's exactly what makes it so crazy-making.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_01: The partner knows the narcissist is capable of kindness, but they're not receiving it.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_02: Right, and that contrast is brutal.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_02: So let's break down the five reasons you've identified.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_02: The first one is that strangers provide admiration without asking for intimacy.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_02: What does that mean?
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_00: Well, a stranger only sees the carefully curated version of the person.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_00: There's no history, no emotional responsibility, no unresolved conflict.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_00: A brief interaction lets a narcissist be funny, attentive, and charming without having to do the hard work of love, accountability, vulnerability, compromise.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_00: Strangers reward that charm with praise.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_00: You're so thoughtful.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_00: Your partner is lucky to have you.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_00: That admiration is like oxygen to someone who depends on external validation.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_02: But the partner sees behind the performance, right?
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_02: They know the truth.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_00: Exactly.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_00: The partner knows whether the generous person helping everyone else refuses to help at home.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_00: They know whether the charming storyteller becomes cold when the audience leaves.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_00: You're not harder to love than a stranger.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_00: You simply know more than the stranger does.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_02: That's a powerful reframe.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_02: Now, the second reason: their public kindness protects their image.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_02: This one really resonates with people who've experienced the church or community setting where the narcissist is seen as a saint.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, and that's so common.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_00: Some narcissistic people are deeply invested in being viewed as good, generous, spiritual, or selfless.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_00: Kindness becomes part of their public identity rather than genuine concern.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_00: They might volunteer for a highly visible project, but refuse to do ordinary chores at home.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_00: They'll comfort an acquaintance for an hour, then tell their partner, you're too sensitive when the partner needs support.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_04: But isn't it possible that some people are just genuinely kind in public and also kind at home?
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_04: How do we tell the difference between a healthy person who happens to be nice to strangers and a narcissist who's performing?
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_00: That's a fair challenge, Pastor Jake.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_00: The difference is consistency and motivation.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_00: A healthy person's kindness isn't conditional on an audience.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_00: They don't use public generosity to avoid private responsibility.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_00: With a narcissist, you'll see a pattern.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_00: Public kindness earns recognition, but private kindness may not come with an audience, so it's withheld.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_00: And if the partner speaks up, others say, that doesn't sound like them.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_00: The public image becomes a shield.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_02: So the partner ends up questioning their own reality.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_02: That leads to the third reason.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_02: They believe their partner will stay.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_02: Can you unpack that?
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_00: Sure.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_00: Strangers and acquaintances can walk away easily.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_00: A partner is more emotionally invested, shared home, children, finances, faith community, years of memories.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_00: The narcissist assumes you'll keep forgiving, explaining, waiting, giving another chance.
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_00: Instead of valuing your loyalty, they treat it as guaranteed access.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_00: They behave well around people they still need to impress, but with you, they think the work of winning you over is already done.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_02: That explains why the relationship felt so different in the beginning, the love bombing phase.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_00: Exactly.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_00: In the early stages, you got constant attention, affectionate messages, compliments, gifts, promises.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_00: Once they felt secure in your commitment, the effort changed.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_00: But love should become safer and deeper over time, not colder and more careless.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_00: Commitment is not permission to mistreat someone.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_00: Marriage, shared history, or Christian forgiveness does not entitle another person to unlimited access without accountability.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_02: Amen to that.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_02: Now the fourth reason, your needs feel like criticism to them.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_02: This is where communication breaks down completely.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_00: Strangers rarely ask a narcissist to examine their behavior.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_00: A cashier won't ask why they broke a promise.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_00: A neighbor won't confront them about the silent treatment.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_00: But a partner does.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_00: When you say, that hurt me, a healthy partner may not agree with every detail, but they'll care about your pain.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_00: A narcissistic partner, here's something entirely different.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_00: You are a bad person, you are losing control.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_00: You are not as perfect as you want people to believe.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_02: So instead of addressing the concern, they attack.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_00: They might deny what happened, criticize your tone, bring up an old mistake, or accuse you of causing the behavior.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_00: The original issue disappears, and suddenly you're defending yourself.
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_00: Strangers are easier to treat well because they don't require repair.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_00: A real relationship does.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_00: Emotional intimacy requires the ability to apologize, change, and make room for another person's needs.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_02: And finally, the fifth reason.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_02: Withholding kindness can become a form of control.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_02: This is the most insidious one, I think.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_00: It really is.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_00: When someone alternates warmth with rejection, the partner may work harder to regain the loving person they remember.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_00: You start wondering, what did I do wrong?
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_00: How can I get us back to the way we were?
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_00: Why can they be kind to everyone except me?
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_00: The occasional return of affection gives you hope.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_00: After days of coldness, one loving evening can feel like proof that the relationship is improving.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_00: But when kindness is repeatedly offered and withdrawn, it creates a powerful emotional attachment.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_02: So the partner ends up chasing basic consideration, as if it were a prize.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_00: Exactly.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_00: And watching your partner treat strangers beautifully can make you compete for kindness that should already exist.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_00: You become more accommodating, less demanding, increasingly afraid of upsetting them.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_00: But healthy love does not require you to audition continually for compassion.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_02: That's such an important point.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_02: Now the article also says that their treatment of strangers does not disprove your experience.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_02: Can you elaborate on that?
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_00: Absolutely.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_00: People often assume someone is either good or abusive, kind or cruel.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_00: But human behavior is more complicated.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_00: A person can be pleasant at work and demeaning at home.
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_00: They can donate money and still control their partner.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_00: They can quote scripture and refuse to take responsibility.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_00: The kindness other people receive does not prove you caused the mistreatment.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_00: It proves your partner can control their behavior when doing so serves a purpose.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_03: And Jesus warned about people who focused on appearing righteous outwardly while neglecting what was happening within.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_03: Character is not measured only by how someone treats people they want to impress, it's also revealed in how they treat the people who love them when there is no audience.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_00: That's exactly right.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_00: So what can someone do if they're in this situation?
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_00: First, stop using your partner's public personality as evidence against your private reality.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_00: Pay attention to patterns rather than isolated good moments.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_00: Write down incidents if you frequently leave conversations confused or doubting your memory.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_00: Speak with a licensed therapist, pastor, or trusted person who understands emotional abuse and will not pressure you to remain silent, simply to preserve appearances.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_02: And most importantly, remember, you should not have to become a stranger to receive your partner's kindness.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_02: Real love is not reserved for an audience.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_02: It is demonstrated through consistent respect, emotional safety, honesty, empathy, and accountability, especially behind closed doors.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_00: Amen.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_00: That's the heart of it.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_00: If you're experiencing this, please know you're not crazy and you're not alone.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_00: There is hope and there is healing.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_02: Thank you, Shannon, for such a powerful and compassionate conversation.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_02: For our listeners, if you want to learn more about Shannon's work, her book, The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Bible, or her coaching, please visit Shannonalder.com.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_02: That's ShannonAlder.com.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_02: Shannon, any final words?
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_00: Just this.
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_00: Your worth is not determined by how someone treats you.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_00: You deserve consistent love, not conditional kindness.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_00: And God sees what happens behind closed doors.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for having me, Pastor Jake.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_02: Amen.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_02: Thank you for listening to the Toxic Podcast.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_02: Until next time, take care of yourselves and remember you are loved, you are valued, and you are not alone.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_02: God bless.