Latest / Chatting with The Experts with Paula Okonneh / Christian Conflict Resolution: Tools for Professionals

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Christian Conflict Resolution: Tools for Professionals · Chatting with The Experts with Paula Okonneh

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Hello, and welcome to another episode of Chatting with the Experts TV
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show where I speak with amazing and impressive women from Africa, from
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the Caribbean, and in the diaspora.
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Our mission is to educate, empower, and inspire women globally, and
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that's what these amazing women do with me week after week.
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I sometimes have a few men join us, but typically it's women.
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So today, it's gonna be a very interesting show because our topic is
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When Christians Have Conflict Within Organizations and Within Themselves.
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And the person who will be doing, who will be joining me soon
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to do that is Tabitha Liburd.
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And I'll tell you a bit about her.
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She's a conflict management expert, and so she will address the complex
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reality of navigating conflict as a believer in the workplace.
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I told you she's a conflict management strategist, and she's also a trusted
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advisor to senior leaders who navigate high stakes workplace challenges.
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Through her signature program, Resolution, Tabitha provides leaders with the tools
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to resolve disputes before they escalate to command authority without aggression
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and also teaches them how to create alignment without unnecessary friction.
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And so to do that is Tabitha Liburd.
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So welcome to the show, Tabitha.
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Thank you very much, Paula.
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Thanks for having me.
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And hello everyone.
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Thanks so much for saying yes, I'm truly blessed when I say I
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have the best guests join me.
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And of course you are no exception.
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Thank
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you.
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So we are gonna be talking about When Christians Have Conflict
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Within Organizations and Within Themselves and How to Cope with This.
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How do we do this?
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Let's start off with ourselves.
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How do we as a Christian, make decisions within a situation when there's internal
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conflict, as in within ourselves?
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How do we do that?
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Paula, that's a great question.
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You know, I always say that the road to conflict resolution
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starts within ourselves.
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Mm-hmm.
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Because whatever we determine to do can affect the outcome.
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Mm-hmm.
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Now, usually there's someone else involved, but even if there's more
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than one person involved in the conflict or another person, we can
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determine our approach based on how we take care of ourselves internally.
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That is often very big contributor to how we manage conflict.
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And why I like to remind people when we are facing internal conflict and
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we know that we have to get to a place where we're dealing with people.
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We can always help ourselves by remembering what Jesus
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says in Matthew five, nine.
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Blessed are the peacemakers, or they shall be called sons of God.
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When we reflect on this, we can remind ourselves that if we actively work
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to restore peace, and we do that consistently, it's a blessed calling.
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And so I like to advise people to remember to approach conflict
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with kindness and with patience.
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Even when we are dealing with difficult people and when it's time
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to take action, and you're looking for a solution, you could look for
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strategies like active listening.
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Sometimes you're afraid to say something because you don't know what you are
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going to say, because remember, you're dealing with conflict within yourself.
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And because you're not quite sure what you may say in the moment, active
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listening helps to put you in a place where you're focused on the other person.
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So if you're listening, you're not speaking right?
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Mm-hmm.
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Which means that you're engaged with them.
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You can mirror what they say so that they repeat something back to them.
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Ask clarifying questions so that you know that you understand them.
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And then you can take their perspective.
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So perspective taking, looks like trying to understand where they
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are coming from even before you decide what you are going to do.
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So there's conflict within you.
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Reflect on being a peacemaker.
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You can even put a little distance between your feelings and the response.
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Using active listening, mirroring, perspective taking, trying to
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understand where they're coming from.
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And if you do that, it is easier to build your resilience, to help you
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to be patient, especially if you're dealing with difficult people while
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you, yourself, Paula, have that internal conflict that you're trying to calm.
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So trying to understand where the person is coming from before jumping
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to conclusions, in other words.
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Yes, yes.
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Because many times we, especially if we are very experienced in the
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areas that we are working and dealing with, we sort of can understand
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what happens from beginning to end.
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Mm-hmm.
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In a process.
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And so by the time the person starts explaining, we begin to filter that
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information through the knowledge that we already have, but the end
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that we are anticipating might not be the end that we will arrive at.
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If we just sit with it for a while and sit with the person, we may be able to take
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in additional information that is also important to coming to that decision, and
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that listening puts us in a place of rest and focus on the issue and on the person.
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Okay.
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So you mentioned a scripture because we are talking about Christians.
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We mentioned Matthew, Blessed that the peacemakers.
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Yeah.
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For the child be called sons and daughters of God.
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But that's as a peace.
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It is like blessed that the peacemaker that sounds like from the outside.
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So you are given a solution to people.
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But if we are.
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Having the conflict inside of us ourselves, you know,
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the conflict is within.
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Mm-hmm.
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Is there another scripture?
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That's what I'm trying to, should be.
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I know there's one up there about being kind and patient
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To dig for people.
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Second Timothy 2 24.
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Thank you.
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We can ask God to help us be kind and patient with difficult people.
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Mm-hmm.
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You know it's in the scripture because he knows that it's going to happen,
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and so he can direct us if we ask him and if we listen to him.
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And if we wait on him and we trust in him, he can show us how to
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be kind, how to be patient even when people are being difficult.
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Yes.
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Yeah.
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Thank you for that answer.
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How to be kind, how to be patient even when people are being difficult.
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Amen.
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Mm-hmm.
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Even when people are peopling.
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I like that even better.
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People will be people whether we like that, whether we want them to be or not.
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I mean.
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Yes.
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All of us can be like that.
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Well, I was about to say that sometimes I'm like that.
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And when that happens, it's such a blessing when someone extends grace to me.
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Yes, yes.
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And they're kind of patient with me.
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And help me to resolve, you know, there's some times when something may go wrong.
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I remember quite recently we had issues with the wifi after we switch providers,
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and I was not happy at what was happening because we were not getting what they
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promised us, and it was showing up in the way my recordings were when I go on
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Zoom, when I try to use multiple devices, and I was not kind and patient with the
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customer service rep. I was demanding the service that I was paying for and
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I was making sure that she heard me.
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You displeasure, right?
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Yes.
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And she was very kind and very patient with me and at the end of
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it, I felt such an appreciation for her, which I shared with her.
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And then I also did a review because she extended grace with me when I was
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interrupted in the middle of my workday with this problem and realized that we
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were not really getting what we were promised and we're paying for yes.
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Yes.
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Understanding it from the other person's perspective, you know?
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Yes.
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Yeah.
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And knowing that you too could be like that.
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I mean, when I say you, I mean any of us, because I've had
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to think about that recently.
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Someone was telling me about a situation, excuse me, where she went
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to her hairstylist, who was, she thought was being rude, but she was
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a Christian and she decided rather than, you know, say, okay, I'm
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gonna take my business elsewhere.
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She prayed and asked the Lord for guidance.
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Mm-hmm.
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She was surprised when she opened her mouth and was saying some more pleasant
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things than she would've thought.
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And at the end of the service, the woman, it was so different, the woman was calling
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her darling and you know, sweetheart and offering her things and she said,
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you know, that was a clear answer to her that you know, when you ask God for help.
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He does help.
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And the woman was experiencing some difficult things in her
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life, but extending grace to her made such a difference.
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And now the relationship is different.
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I mean, yes, the hairstylist could have been more professional, but
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we are called to be the light.
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Yes,
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we are.
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We are, and scriptures like this can really help to ground
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us in who we are called to be.
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Yes, yes, yes.
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So what about when, well, I just gave you an example of this young lady who said
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she went to a stylist and had, you know, ran into a very unpleasant person and at
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the end they were good friends because of she having to ask the Lord to help her.
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And of course, God gave her grace that she was able to extend to someone else.
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So now what about now when we are at work and/or yeah at
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work or in a business place?
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Yeah.
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What do we deal with conflict then?
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Mm.
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Well, I like to say that as much as we don't really like to hear
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this, conflict is inevitable.
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Mm-hmm.
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It can come in relationships, it can pop up in how we use
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or how we agree to use data.
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There can be conflict in the role that we have.
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We may be doing something that we think is a part of our role, that it's not.
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You know, it can be conflict in our systems, our processes.
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There's so many opportunities for conflict to pop up at work, and what I
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always say is when this happens, look for instructions on how to address them
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with love, privacy, and accountability.
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And the instructions that I have at hand come from Proverbs 16:7.
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Hmm.
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Help us not to take vengeance or bear grudges even if we think we are right.
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Even if we know we are right at work, even if we are senior to that person.
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Mm-hmm.
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Who might be doing something wrong.
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Even if every single office policy on the subject says that they were wrong, still
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help us not to take vengeance, be merciful in how we're dealing with someone.
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Help us not to bear grudges if it were that others are at odds with us.
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Help us to love those who hurt us as ourselves.
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Help us to heap coals of fire on their heads.
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We can ask God to help us so that in our reactions to conflict, they're
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pleasing to him, so that we can make even our enemies be at peace with us.
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Paula, if God did not know that these situations would happen.
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He would not have put them in his word.
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There's so much in his word, so much richness.
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So many opportunities for us to take instructions when we
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facing conflict in our work.
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There's another scripture, Matthew 18, and in verses 15 to 17, we see a roadmap
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for what to do if someone sins against us.
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It says, if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault.
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Let's do that first between you and him alone.
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If he listens to you, you have gained your brother.
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But if he does not listen, then step two.
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Take one or two others along with you because you have witnesses
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so that every charge or every wrongdoing may be established by the
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evidence of two or three witnesses.
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So here, Jesus is giving us a way to resolve conflicts
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and we can do that at work.
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There is something that I advise businesses and entrepreneurs to put
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in their employee handbooks, and I'm actually embedding that into an employee
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handbook for a client today, and that is cooperative conflict resolution, and
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it really does parallel this scripture.
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It says, if there is a problem, work it out among yourselves.
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Do your best to discuss it first.
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Mm-hmm.
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And it gives you a little roadmap on what to say, and we train people on this.
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So I may not come to you and say, Paula, this is your fault.
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The scripture says, I must tell you this is your fault.
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You know, but I may reflect it differently to you.
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I may say, Paula, you know, yesterday we were both using this
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resource and at the end of the day, you closed up and you left.
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I wasn't quite finished, you see?
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So this is me telling you how what you did affected me, and if you listen
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to me, I have gained myself a sister.
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And if you decide that you're not going to listen and you don't agree,
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then we take one or two others.
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I could then go and I could speak to HR. And I could take someone
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with me and they could say, Paula, would you like to come along?
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We're going.
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I don't necessarily have to go behind your back and make it an issue.
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Paula, I would like to discuss this with you in the presence of someone else.
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Are you okay talking about with it HR? We might need someone else
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to speak into this and help us.
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Yes?
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Yeah.
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So I like to say when things like this happen.
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We have places to look for solutions, and when you are in conflict with
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someone in work or in business, you can speak to that person.
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If you can't speak to that person or you don't know what to say, you can talk to
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a therapist, a coach, a trusted person.
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Or you can even talk to me and I can help you frame language, frame neutral
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language on how to raise that conflict with someone at work or in business.
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Good answer.
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So it's all about... you said something about frame.
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Framing your answer, framing your reaction, your words.
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Mm-hmm.
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Yes.
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And it takes time.
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You know, Paula, it takes time and you don't always get it right the first time.
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Maybe not the second or third time, but I believe that the other person
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would appreciate the effort that you take, because the fact that you're
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ready to frame your answer and not just pop off shows me that you're
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actually concerned about how I feel.
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And I would appreciate that.
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Yes.
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The workplace, I'm just trying to picture, you know, the resources
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that are there, or people in general, but we are talking about Christians.
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So you know, you mentioned getting a therapist.
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So even talking to someone like you, a conflict resolution manager.
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I think I got that right.
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Yeah.
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Yes.
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And just get a second opinion on what happened, what you plan to
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say, how you were going to say it.
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Sometimes, the person who is not involved in this situation can
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see things from a different angle.
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Mm-hmm.
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Or even a little clearer than you are, and someone who is trained
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might be able to see issues that because you're so personally
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involved, you are not able to see it.
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I do that, Paula, I talk to someone when I need help, if there's an
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issue that I'm very, very close to.
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Mm-hmm.
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And it concerns me.
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I don't always seek clarity and I talk to people.
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I seek help.
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I talk to a coach.
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I've, I've spoken to coaches, I've spoken to therapists,
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I've spoken to trusted friends.
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Yeah.
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And as a Christian, you also revert back to scripture too, right?
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Absolutely.
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Yes.
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Yes.
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Always, always, always our blueprint.
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Always a blueprint.
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Yes.
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Proverbs 16.
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Yes.
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Verse seven, I think.
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Yes.
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Help us not to take vengeance or bear grudges but to love those who hurt us
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as ourselves because we love ourselves.
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Yes.
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That's the short about that.
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Wow.
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But it can be hard.
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Yes, it is not easy.
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It's not easy and I certainly would not say that it is.
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I know it has been hard for me to love people who hurt me as myself.
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It has been hard.
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I've had many, many opportunities to do that and to work towards
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that and it's always a journey.
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Paula, for me personally, it's always a journey.
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I don't start where I'm I want to be, you know?
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So there's a part of me, I start where I am and I say, God, this is where I am.
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Help me.
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Help me.
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So we spoke about dealing with inner conflict within ourselves.
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We talked about as a Christian, when you are in a workplace or business and
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conflict arises, how to go about doing it.
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Now what about now you are in a business partnership and conflict arises?
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It's a little different when you know there's HR and you are
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not the owner of the business, or you're not in partnership.
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I mean, you're an employee.
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Yes.
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That's different.
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How do we deal with situations like that?
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Well, Paula, first I just want to acknowledge to you and everyone
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else who's listening, how difficult that situation can be.
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Mm-hmm.
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Because businesses are created to serve, to live out our passions and our purposes,
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and also to provide for our needs.
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Mm-hmm.
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And so when there's a conflict with our business, we face a conflict
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with our business partners.
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Sometimes, we can feel as though that is getting to the very root of our
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existence and sometimes it's actually happening and I just wanna acknowledge
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that and let you hear from me that I don't take it lightly because I
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understand how complicated that could be.
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A business partnership is a relationship that we enter into when
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we are at peace with each other.
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And so when there is conflict, depending on the level of conflict, sometimes
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those relationships are broken.
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And there's a lot of hurt that comes when relationships are broken.
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And when a business partnership relationship is broken or is hurting or is
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affected by conflict, I like to encourage that we listen with God's heart, not ours.
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I like to encourage that we speak with God's words, not ours, because
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when we were in a good relationship with our business partner,
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that's how we were speaking.
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And we understand that God wants us to be in relationship with each other.
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There is nothing that he has asked us to do that will be destructive to
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godly relationships, to purposeful relationships, to relationships with
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people who are our purpose partners.
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In James chapter one, verses 19 to 20, God says, know this, my beloved
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brothers let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger.
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For the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.
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And when we reflect on this Paula, we understand how God wants us to
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address these conflict relationships.
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And I understand that sometimes we could be the party who has been wronged.
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Sometimes we may be the party who has done some wrong.
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Yes.
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That's about us, about that.
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Because you know, many times we look at situations from our
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perspective, you know, this is what I meant, this is what I intended.
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Why did they take it this way?
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Yes, yes, yes.
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And you know, I take it even a step further, sometimes we know
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that we have contributed to the problem, but we are defensive.
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Mm-hmm.
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So if I put myself in that position, I know that Paula and I are in a
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business relationship where I am supposed to pay Paula $500 a month.
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I have not done that for three months.
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And I owe Paula $1,500.
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And she comes and she says to me, sister.
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And she starts to ask me, I've been waiting for a while and
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I now have responsibilities.
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What I have to be careful is not to become defensive to the
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point where I am finding reasons
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to be angry with Paula or I don't like how she spoke to me.
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Yes, I know her.
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I owe her money, but I don't like how she spoke to me or, yes, I know I owe
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her money, but she didn't have to tell me that when so and so was around.
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I don't want anybody knowing my business.
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See where I'm going with this.
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Paula, if I owe you money, that's a conflict with our business partnership.
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I should be the one to come forward and say something to you.
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I should be doing my due diligence and I should have you actively
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involved in this because this is a burden that I am now placing on you.
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You know?
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And so when you approach me, Paula, I must use this blueprint in James one 19
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to 20, and I must be quick to hear you.
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I must be slow to speak, and I must be slow to anger.
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Because my anger does not produce the righteousness of God.
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No?
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Yeah.
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Sounds good.
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But you know, sometimes it's, we know what to do, but we don't do it.
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You know, I guess we have to be reminded.
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Yes.
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And we have to be intentional to say yes.
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Especially if, I mean, yes, we, this is all about Christianity and being
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the Christian in the workplace, so we have to remember who we are.
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Yes.
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So true.
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That is so true.
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Yes, we do.
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We do.
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And there are times when we may need encouragement.
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And there is a blueprint I found for that in first Corinthians.
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Hmm.
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Yes.
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Can you share that please?
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It's in chapter six, verses one to two.
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And here's what it says.
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It encourages us to seek godly and righteous counsel from qualified
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saints before going to law.
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Or before going to the authorities of our community.
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Seek godly and righteous counsel from qualified Saints.
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So if I know people who are qualified and I know that they're godly,
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I should seek counsel from them.
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And Paula, in the scenario that I created with you and I, and me owing money.
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If I were to apply this blueprint, I would seek godly and righteous counsel
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for someone who is qualified in whatever area I'm failing at, so that I can restore
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myself and meet my obligations that I have with my business partner with you.
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You see?
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So if I need a financial advisor, if I need someone to help me with marketing,
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you know, if I need someone to help me with sales, whatever support I need
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so that I can meet my obligations, because a business partnership,
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Paula, is an agreement that we made.
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That's an obligation that I can't turn away from if I know whose I am,
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you know?
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That's, yeah, yeah, yeah.
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I'm thinking in particular when, I think I mentioned that earlier, when
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you are the Christian, because you may be in a relationship though, the Word
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does say do not be on equally yolked, but it could be an instance where, you
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know, both of you were not Christians.
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You became business partners.
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Then you became the Christian, and now you're in a situation where, well, you're
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the one that's Christian and let's see, you act in a Christian manner, you know?
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Yeah.
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Yes.
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Yes indeed.
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Yes, indeed.
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And when that happens, sometimes I should.
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Do a little digging.
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I always advise people who are in these situations where you're
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in a conflict with your business partner, examine the situation.
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Examine it.
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Examine that situation.
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Take your blueprint, which is your Bible.
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Take your journal, spend some quiet time with God, because if you ask him, he
32:01
can show you what the root cause of that conflict is with that business partner.
32:07
Mm-hmm.
32:09
And when he shows you that root cause, you try to resolve it
32:16
before you approach the courts.
32:19
Because you know, we had our earlier scripture where we
32:23
talked about in Matthew 18.
32:26
If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, and then if he listens
32:30
to you, take another and along, you know, so we, we are looking at this from all
32:36
of the different pieces of blueprint, Paula, all of the different aspects.
32:42
So find out the root cause.
32:45
What's the root cause of this conflict with my business partner.
32:50
Involve your business partner in that discussion.
32:54
Try to resolve it before you go to court.
32:59
Once you have discussions with your business partner,
33:02
you go to qualified saints.
33:04
You ask for advice, you get mentoring, you get coaching, you get
33:11
counseling, whatever support you need.
33:14
You know, Paula, we can never be too proud.
33:18
Mm-hmm.
33:19
To seek help.
33:21
It doesn't work well, it doesn't end well.
33:24
Yes.
33:25
Never be too proud to ask for help.
33:27
We don't know everything.
33:29
No.
33:29
But we know the one who does.
33:32
Amen.
33:33
I say that I don't know everything, but I know the one who does.
33:36
So I go to him.
33:38
I humble myself on his mighty hand, and he says he will in
33:44
due time, he will raise you up.
33:47
Amen.
33:48
Oh boy.
33:48
You know, we could talk.
33:50
I'm sorry.
33:51
I said, and I have experienced that.
33:55
Yes.
33:55
Or maybe because of time.
33:58
We probably can discuss that more, I mean, with the audience who have joined us.
34:03
But I know because can you believe it?
34:05
We, we've almost covered 30 minutes of conversation.
34:09
They say when things are good, you don't even notice time is going by, right?
34:13
That's so true.
34:15
Time flies when we're having fun.
34:17
It flies when we're having fun.
34:19
So do you, I know we've spoken about these three different instances.
34:24
Because I know also that you're a conflict management expert.
34:28
Do you have a toolkit that you can share with us, that we can
34:31
use, that we can have access to?
34:33
Because yes, we may hear this today, but, Hmm.
34:37
Probably tomorrow.
34:38
In fact, after the show, we may now run into a conflict.
34:42
At that time we'd like, what did she say again?
34:46
I do.
34:47
I do, Paula.
34:48
I can share it with you so that you can share it with listeners.
34:52
Mm-hmm.
34:52
I created a lovely toolkit that identifies the different kinds of conflict for you.
34:59
It even gives you a little definition, so if you're not too sure what's
35:02
happening, you can read that definition and match it up against
35:07
the circumstances that you're facing.
35:09
And even better yet, once you've done that, you have solutions
35:17
for each kind of conflict.
35:19
So the toolkit actually tells you if you see this happening, do this.
35:24
If you see that happening, do that.
35:26
And it gives you different options of strategies that you can use if
35:32
you see the conflicts happening.
35:34
So it's a really great toolkit that you can keep handy close to you and just
35:40
consult it if you run into anything and pick one of the solutions, pick whichever
35:45
one feels right to you at the time.
35:48
I love it.
35:49
I'll drop the link in the chat.
35:51
Yeah, and for those who haven't been able to join us, but are watching
35:56
this recording on either the TV show or listening to the audio on
36:02
my website and my audio podcast, or watching this on YouTube.
36:07
Where can they find you online and get access to this toolkit?
36:13
You can go to my website, marshalldukellc.com and
36:18
that's Marshall with two Ls.
36:20
That's my family's names, marshalldukellc.com.
36:23
Or you can just connect with me on LinkedIn, Tabitha
36:26
Liburd, and just message me.
36:28
Hey Tabitha, I heard you talking about this toolkit.
36:31
Can I have it and I'll get it to you?
36:35
Thank you so much, and for those of you who joined us, either in the
36:39
live audience or are listening to this, if you'd like to be a guest on
36:43
the show like Tabitha has been, you can reach out to me on my website,
36:49
which is chattingwiththeexperts.com.
36:53
I'm also on LinkedIn as Paula Okonneh.
36:57
I am on Instagram.
36:59
My handle there is at.
37:03
I always forget this at chat_experts_podcast, and I'm also
37:10
on Facebook as Paula Okonneh and we now have a YouTube channel.
37:18
So reach out to us on YouTube.
37:20
Just Paula, not Paula Okonneh for Chatting with the Experts has a
37:26
YouTube channel and you can contact us there and we'll take it from there.
37:33
Thank you so much, Tabitha, for all your time today and for letting us know
37:37
those of us who are Christians, how to deal with conflicts that will arise,
37:43
not if, but when they do arise within organizations and also within ourselves.
37:51
Thank you.
37:52
Thank you, Paula.