Latest / Groove with Portia / Why Domestic Violence Survivors Don't "Just Leave"

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Why Domestic Violence Survivors Don't "Just Leave" · Groove with Portia

0:07
Speaker 1: Welcome to grou Porsche, the podcast that uncovers the hidden
0:09
Speaker 1: treasures within grief. I'm your host, Porsche of the Producer,
0:13
Speaker 1: and I'm inviting you to join me on a transformative
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Speaker 1: journey where we were exchange laughter, of course the best
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0:21
Speaker 1: time that the little boy grabbed my hand instead of
0:23
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0:26
Speaker 1: discover gratitude while navigating one of life's hardest challenges lost.
0:31
Speaker 1: So get ready to grow with me, Porsche the Producer.
0:35
Speaker 1: Let's dive in. Hello, Hello everybody, and welcome back to
0:46
Speaker 1: Grow with Porsche. I am your host, Porsche Booker, and
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Speaker 1: it's always don't forget to like, share and subscribe to
0:52
Speaker 1: keep it with all things Grew with Porsche. First of all,
0:56
Speaker 1: it has been a long time since I've done my
0:58
Speaker 1: show live. As you may remember, Grewle Porsche started on
1:02
Speaker 1: the radio in October of twenty nineteen. We've come a
1:06
Speaker 1: very long way as the show. And also some of
1:09
Speaker 1: you may remember my TV show that I had which
1:12
Speaker 1: was called The Grief Grand Tour that was also aired
1:14
Speaker 1: live on Sundays at seven PM so Groule Porsche is
1:17
Speaker 1: currently switching to a live model moving forward, So it
1:21
Speaker 1: is good to connect with all of you. Yes, I
1:23
Speaker 1: am real I'm not a figure of your imagination. So today, everybody,
1:28
Speaker 1: I have the honor of being joined by another individual
1:31
Speaker 1: who has made it on the other side of domestic violence.
1:34
Speaker 1: And let me say something about this really quick. There
1:37
Speaker 1: tends to be a lot of misconceptions around domestic violence,
1:41
Speaker 1: especially for women of color, and let's be realistic. These
1:45
Speaker 1: misconceptions need to stop because we make assumptions. Why don't
1:50
Speaker 1: they just leave where it's more to it than just
1:53
Speaker 1: leaving out from the situation, because there's a lot of
1:56
Speaker 1: emotions that go with it. There's a lot of grief
1:58
Speaker 1: as well. So without further delay, let me welcome my guest,
2:02
Speaker 1: Miss Yolanda Koch, to grow with Portia. Yolanda, how are
2:05
Speaker 1: you today?
2:06
Speaker 2: I am will Porscha. How are you today? Thank you
2:09
Speaker 2: for having.
2:09
Speaker 1: Me, Yolanda. It's an honor. I know that we connected
2:13
Speaker 1: quite a few months ago because I believe that I
2:16
Speaker 1: had another individual who had a domestic violence situation come
2:21
Speaker 1: as a guest on the show, and you happen to
2:23
Speaker 1: see a clip from our interview from LinkedIn. Yes, so, Yolanda.
2:29
Speaker 1: For our audience who's tuning in. As I brought up
2:32
Speaker 1: in the beginning, there tends to be a lot of
2:35
Speaker 1: misconception around domestic violence and it's not as simple as
2:39
Speaker 1: waving a magic wand and you leave from the situation.
2:43
Speaker 1: For our audience, Yolanda, what did it take for you
2:46
Speaker 1: to realize this relationship is no longer a place that
2:52
Speaker 1: I need to be in anymore.
2:55
Speaker 2: Well, Portia, the abuse got war progressively worse. Just the
3:04
Speaker 2: physical violence against me was just getting to a point
3:09
Speaker 2: to where I said, I'm gonna wake up or he's
3:12
Speaker 2: just gonna kill me. He's I'm gonna wake up and
3:14
Speaker 2: he's gonna he's gonna try to kill me, or he's
3:16
Speaker 2: gonna try to kill me in my sleep. Something's going
3:18
Speaker 2: to happen to where I felt like, I guess, as
3:21
Speaker 2: they said, I'll be unlived. And that's just because there
3:28
Speaker 2: was no calming him down. And with having been a
3:33
Speaker 2: mother with three children, I needed to get to a
3:38
Speaker 2: place of safety for all of us, and I couldn't
3:42
Speaker 2: tell him that I was leaving. I had to just
3:46
Speaker 2: have a strategic plan to exit because so many people
3:51
Speaker 2: tell their abusers ahead of time what they're going to do,
3:54
Speaker 2: and unfortunately a lot of times they don't make it out.
3:59
Speaker 1: Hmmmlanda, I want to touch on something that you brought
4:03
Speaker 1: up that's not often talked about, is the impact of
4:07
Speaker 1: domestic violence on children. And you have three children, and
4:12
Speaker 1: I'm curious, Landa, what has been the impact on your
4:18
Speaker 1: kids during that situation and what have you done as
4:23
Speaker 1: a mother to be transparent with them and also provide
4:29
Speaker 1: that educational lens as far as if at some point
4:34
Speaker 1: they see red flags as their adults to learn to
4:39
Speaker 1: potentially get out of that situation.
4:42
Speaker 2: Well, my oldest son, he remembers a lot because he
4:46
Speaker 2: was like five years older than my middle child and
4:50
Speaker 2: my baby girl was just a little inferant. But after
4:56
Speaker 2: I left my marriage and got to safety with my
5:00
Speaker 2: mom and sister, I had to have him put in
5:04
Speaker 2: counseling because he was harboring so much of guilt as
5:10
Speaker 2: a young child, which he should not have of wanting
5:13
Speaker 2: to help me because he saw and heard things as
5:17
Speaker 2: much as I tried to shield them. Fast forwarding today,
5:22
Speaker 2: it's very hard for them to hear yelling and screaming
5:28
Speaker 2: because it's a trigger, especially for the two younger ones.
5:32
Speaker 2: They just remember seeing her dad screaming a lot and
5:36
Speaker 2: getting upset, and so that is a trigger for them
5:42
Speaker 2: to just it's kind of like okay, even like if
5:44
Speaker 2: I get upset about something, I have to be like,
5:46
Speaker 2: oh wait, wait, wait wait. So with educating them, they
5:54
Speaker 2: already know, you know, you never put your hands, even
5:57
Speaker 2: my daughter, because women can be abusers. Also, that's a
6:01
Speaker 2: misconception that only men abuse. So my children, no, you
6:05
Speaker 2: don't put your hands on anyone. You walk away. I
6:08
Speaker 2: don't care what it costs you. You walk away because
6:13
Speaker 2: I don't. You just don't want to be caught up,
6:16
Speaker 2: because there's consequences to actions, and no one should get
6:19
Speaker 2: you to that point where you want to hurt them
6:21
Speaker 2: at that that badly. And I have had those conversations
6:26
Speaker 2: with my children, you know, to let them know your
6:30
Speaker 2: dad and I are not together, were no longer married
6:33
Speaker 2: because he was hurting me. He was just neglecting his
6:39
Speaker 2: duties as a husband to protect me, to protect you.
6:43
Speaker 2: So I sit down all the time and I have
6:47
Speaker 2: told them, you know, especially my sons, you know, you
6:52
Speaker 2: call me, you come over here, we talk about it,
6:55
Speaker 2: and my daughter knows you never allow for a man
6:59
Speaker 2: to put his hands on you. All of them know
7:02
Speaker 2: that it is not law in any way anyway.
7:09
Speaker 1: And Yolanda, I appreciate you sharing that because there's so
7:14
Speaker 1: many people, especially you have sons. And that's a whole
7:18
Speaker 1: nother conversation for another day about the impacts of domestic
7:23
Speaker 1: violence on young men and them being influenced by the
7:29
Speaker 1: actions of their parent. They may take that as oh,
7:34
Speaker 1: this is okay for me to hit on women because
7:37
Speaker 1: I saw my father do it, I saw my uncle
7:39
Speaker 1: do it. And then also the triggers right hearing that yelling, right,
7:46
Speaker 1: I mean, think about as your children maybe take their
7:49
Speaker 1: first job, right, and their parent, you know, their first boss,
7:55
Speaker 1: yells at the entire team for something that could cause
7:58
Speaker 1: them to shut down, that could cause them to be
8:01
Speaker 1: timid to ever speak up at work, right, And Yolanda,
8:07
Speaker 1: I just think this is something so many people need
8:11
Speaker 1: to hear who have children that they have never sent
8:16
Speaker 1: their kids to any type of therapy and talked with
8:20
Speaker 1: them openly about this situation, because I know it's not easy.
8:26
Speaker 1: It's not easy to share your own story because as
8:30
Speaker 1: a parent, being vulnerable, you want to be looked at
8:33
Speaker 1: as the hero, right, And I'm curious to landa I
8:38
Speaker 1: brought up in the very beginning about this notion of
8:43
Speaker 1: misconceptions around domestic violence from your own personal experience. What
8:50
Speaker 1: are some common misconceptions that are often overlooked outside of
8:56
Speaker 1: what I brought up about you just leaving. What's another
9:00
Speaker 1: common misconception that you think a lot of people continue
9:04
Speaker 1: to have about domestic violence.
9:08
Speaker 2: You were saying about the fact that you should you
9:10
Speaker 2: should just leave something like that, Like you've already talked
9:13
Speaker 2: about what did you do to deserve it? What did
9:19
Speaker 2: you It's always they're looking at the victim as what
9:22
Speaker 2: did you do? Versus the abuser just has a problem.
9:30
Speaker 2: Why haven't you tried to work it out? Why do
9:33
Speaker 2: you go to counseling? You can try that, you really can,
9:38
Speaker 2: but that doesn't always work. You have to just you
9:46
Speaker 2: can't just up and leave all the time. You have
9:49
Speaker 2: to be able to know your situation. It's like read
9:53
Speaker 2: the room. You know how volatile your abuser is. And
9:58
Speaker 2: I don't like it. I've said it before, where every
10:02
Speaker 2: situation is not cookie cutter. Every situation requires different movements
10:09
Speaker 2: for the victim, and you have to be able to
10:13
Speaker 2: know what is my best way to get out of here.
10:16
Speaker 2: Everyone can't tell their abuser I'm leaving you. You just can't.
10:22
Speaker 2: And it's unfortunate that people who have never walked in
10:26
Speaker 2: those shoes think they think it's so easy to just
10:29
Speaker 2: walk out of a situation. Yes, some people are stronger
10:33
Speaker 2: than others, Yes, but some people really try to work
10:37
Speaker 2: things out. I was one of them, but I still
10:41
Speaker 2: stayed in it until it just got progressively worse. So,
10:46
Speaker 2: you know, the misconception that you can just walk away,
10:51
Speaker 2: that's the biggest thing I stand on. You just can't.
10:55
Speaker 2: And I really wish people would stop thinking that instead
11:00
Speaker 2: to the victim to say, how can I help you?
11:04
Speaker 2: What can I learn from this, so that if I
11:06
Speaker 2: come across someone else, or even myself, what can I
11:10
Speaker 2: learn to help somebody else free themselves from an abuse
11:14
Speaker 2: of relationship?
11:16
Speaker 1: Yolanda, I appreciate you reiterating that domestic violence is not
11:20
Speaker 1: cookie cutter, because, as you mentioned, people can't tell their
11:25
Speaker 1: abuse or that hey, I'm up and leaving you, right,
11:28
Speaker 1: they know what we'll set their abuser off, whether it's
11:33
Speaker 1: a certain phrase or I'm leaving I'm calling the police.
11:36
Speaker 1: Or whatever it is, you know them better than anybody.
11:40
Speaker 1: And then sometimes there's that shame piece right of reaching
11:45
Speaker 1: out for help? Right, is this the cards that I've
11:50
Speaker 1: been dealt to handle for however long of time? What
11:54
Speaker 1: did I do to deserve this? And I'm curious, Shelanda.
11:58
Speaker 1: I often talk about there comes an identity with domestic violence,
12:03
Speaker 1: right with any type of situation that we've been in,
12:07
Speaker 1: whether it's a mental health struggle, domestic violence. You survived
12:11
Speaker 1: a near death experience this, there's this identity that latches
12:14
Speaker 1: on to you. And I'm curious, Slanda, what did it
12:17
Speaker 1: take for you to grieve the life that you thought
12:21
Speaker 1: that you were going to have and find a way
12:25
Speaker 1: to incorporate a new identity of you being on the
12:29
Speaker 1: other side of domestic violence.
12:33
Speaker 2: I my main focus was my children. I didn't want
12:41
Speaker 2: them growing up in that anymore. I needed them to
12:46
Speaker 2: even if it required me to leave my marriage. I
12:50
Speaker 2: didn't care about being a single mother. I was thankful
12:52
Speaker 2: I had a support system. But yes, I had a home.
12:59
Speaker 2: I had a huge home. I had a big yard.
13:01
Speaker 2: We were in the suburbs. It didn't bother me. I
13:05
Speaker 2: had to leave all that behind and just except you
13:09
Speaker 2: know what. I love my children, but the man that
13:13
Speaker 2: I was married to was not the right person. So
13:16
Speaker 2: when it is meant to happen, it will happen again
13:20
Speaker 2: with the right person, but someone who truly loves me
13:24
Speaker 2: for who I am and is not trying to change me.
13:27
Speaker 2: Because abuse is a lot. It's just control and insecurities
13:31
Speaker 2: that the abuser has. So once I got my children
13:38
Speaker 2: and I to safety, it's just been within this year
13:42
Speaker 2: I had been living with I don't want to say secret,
13:46
Speaker 2: but I never talked about it about being a domestic
13:50
Speaker 2: violence survivor until this year. And so now that I'm
13:55
Speaker 2: truly walking into my advocacy, I want to make sure
13:59
Speaker 2: that I'm available to help other people know that it's
14:03
Speaker 2: going to be okay. It's going to be okay. Life
14:08
Speaker 2: is not over for you. Yes, you may have to
14:11
Speaker 2: give up some things, but as long as you still
14:13
Speaker 2: have the air in your lungs, you can breathe and
14:17
Speaker 2: you can still walk. That's the best freedom that you
14:21
Speaker 2: can deal for that you can go for.
14:24
Speaker 1: Yolanda, and I appreciate your vulnerability. You realize that keeping
14:30
Speaker 1: it a secret is now no longer an option, right,
14:35
Speaker 1: And so many people would stay in your situation because
14:39
Speaker 1: they've got the nice house, the cars, the whatever other
14:45
Speaker 1: amenities and accommodations that they have, but they're in a
14:48
Speaker 1: miserable situation where you were like, my kids deserve better.
14:54
Speaker 1: Your kids became that focus to help you to exit.
15:00
Speaker 1: And I'm curious Toolanda too when I think about especially today,
15:06
Speaker 1: We've had several big domestic violence cases that have made
15:11
Speaker 1: national news this year, as you know, and I'm curious, Toolanda,
15:17
Speaker 1: what is your honest take on how these high profile
15:21
Speaker 1: cases have come to the light, but yet there still
15:26
Speaker 1: seems to be so many hurdles to actually get things
15:32
Speaker 1: done and resources available to domestic violence survivors and advocates.
15:39
Speaker 2: Well, one that I can just offhand recall nationally and
15:46
Speaker 2: tell me if this is one that you're thinking of.
15:48
Speaker 1: It we have this report, then we had the the
15:52
Speaker 1: the when I think it was in Virginia with the yeah.
16:00
Speaker 2: Yeah, I may not have read enough stories, but it
16:08
Speaker 2: just seemed like they had just a volatile relationship and
16:17
Speaker 2: just outside looking in, you know, it just may have
16:21
Speaker 2: been just wanting to try to work things out with
16:27
Speaker 2: the number. You know, she had a lot of kids
16:29
Speaker 2: and just wanting to keep everybody together. As for the household,
16:35
Speaker 2: if you don't say anything, if you don't if people,
16:40
Speaker 2: if you give people the impression that you're you're not
16:45
Speaker 2: seeking help, a lot of people will just be hands off.
16:47
Speaker 2: They're just like, well, that's what she wants, that's what
16:49
Speaker 2: she wants to do. People don't want to step in
16:51
Speaker 2: because they don't want to step, you know, across boundaries
16:54
Speaker 2: that they shouldn't have, because, believe it or not, until
16:57
Speaker 2: a victim is ready to leave, they will get angry.
17:03
Speaker 2: You don't want people to know what you're going through.
17:05
Speaker 2: You feel like it's nobody's business. And another thing, a
17:10
Speaker 2: reason why people don't say anything is because they don't
17:17
Speaker 2: want the abuser to know that they've been talking to
17:22
Speaker 2: other people while they're being abused, because that creates problems.
17:29
Speaker 2: That is a stressful situation because on the outside of
17:34
Speaker 2: your doors, everyone is supposed to think you're living your
17:39
Speaker 2: best life, even though you're facing hell and demons on
17:43
Speaker 2: the inside of your house. So and with the one
17:48
Speaker 2: in Virginia, I believe that involved a doctor and senator.
17:53
Speaker 2: I believe she told him she was they were divorceing,
17:57
Speaker 2: and that's why I was saying you can't tell oh,
18:00
Speaker 2: you're abused all the time. You just have to sometimes
18:05
Speaker 2: do what you have to do and walk away. Everyone
18:09
Speaker 2: is not mentally able to do. I know if I
18:12
Speaker 2: had told my ex husband that I was going to
18:15
Speaker 2: leave him, I would not possibly be here today of Coursa.
18:19
Speaker 2: And I'm being honest, That's why I had to lead
18:23
Speaker 2: the way I did.
18:25
Speaker 1: Well, Yolanda, we are grateful you are here. We you
18:29
Speaker 1: know I'm and for our audience who's tuning in, I'm
18:32
Speaker 1: glad that you guys are hearing Yolanda's story because we've
18:36
Speaker 1: all been in connection with someone who has come on
18:40
Speaker 1: the other side. And I always have these conversations Yolanda,
18:44
Speaker 1: because I believe our stories have power. Our stories give
18:48
Speaker 1: other people permission to share what's going on in their life.
18:53
Speaker 1: The worst part of you is the best part of you.
18:56
Speaker 1: And Yolanda, for our audience who's tuning in, if they
18:59
Speaker 1: want to connect with you, if obviously they would like
19:03
Speaker 1: to have you as a guest on one of their shows,
19:05
Speaker 1: how can our audience connect with you today, Yolanda?
19:08
Speaker 2: They can email me at Hope why It's c Ope
19:15
Speaker 2: Y seven seven four at gmail dot com. I'm here
19:23
Speaker 2: to speak about domestic violence and help anyone in any
19:28
Speaker 2: area of the world try to get resources, because you
19:33
Speaker 2: have to have that talk. You can't just say just leave.
19:35
Speaker 2: You have to have a talk. Tell me about your situation,
19:38
Speaker 2: what are you facing, You have to get like a
19:40
Speaker 2: background of tell me about this abuser, tell me what
19:46
Speaker 2: you feel like you can and cannot do. And I
19:49
Speaker 2: think it's important to know that there's help out there
19:53
Speaker 2: and domestic violence, that the discussions about domestic violence needs
19:57
Speaker 2: to be discussed all the time the.
20:00
Speaker 1: Time, Yes, all the time. Twenty four to seven, we're
20:05
Speaker 1: entering into the new school season, so high schoolers, young kids.
20:11
Speaker 1: There's going to be a lot of busyness this year
20:13
Speaker 1: in different states. A lot of school systems are changing
20:16
Speaker 1: their curriculums, their standards. So make sure parents, anyone, if
20:22
Speaker 1: you see something, say something and go ahead.
20:27
Speaker 2: Go ahead. I was just saying I was going to
20:28
Speaker 2: say that I hope, I hope churches start talking about
20:31
Speaker 2: domestic violence a lot more. The problem is a lot
20:34
Speaker 2: of times the pastors and so on are it was abusing,
20:37
Speaker 2: so I think they shed away from talking about that.
20:40
Speaker 2: But people who have teen groups, you know, they have
20:45
Speaker 2: you know groups that surround you know, talking with advocacy
20:47
Speaker 2: for boys and girls. I really want to see those
20:51
Speaker 2: groups really have topic discussions on domestic violence because sometimes
20:56
Speaker 2: these kids are in homes where they're seeing it not
20:59
Speaker 2: necessarily right else doing it, and I think it's important
21:02
Speaker 2: for kids to have an outlet to say this is
21:04
Speaker 2: what I'm going through and that can actually open a
21:08
Speaker 2: door possibly to help the whoever's being abused in that
21:12
Speaker 2: house to know, hey, these are resources that you know
21:17
Speaker 2: you can utilize to get help.
21:19
Speaker 1: Well, it starts with that conversation, as you mentioned, that
21:23
Speaker 1: initial conversation, especially with young people today, because they see
21:27
Speaker 1: so much, way more, Yolanda, than both of us had
21:32
Speaker 1: as high schoolers. I mean I didn't get my first
21:34
Speaker 1: cell phone until I was a sophomore in high school,
21:38
Speaker 1: and I had a flip phone. I had a razor phone,
21:41
Speaker 1: not not TikTok enabled Instagram and YouTube. I mean remember
21:47
Speaker 1: even texting was a whole process and a half because
21:51
Speaker 1: you had to go through each letter to spell out
21:54
Speaker 1: the words right. So I'm really dating myself then, Yolanda.
22:00
Speaker 1: Before we conclude for today, I want to give you
22:03
Speaker 1: the opportunity to share with our audience about your upcoming book.
22:07
Speaker 1: So when your book is ready, we would definitely have
22:10
Speaker 1: you back on the show to share about the books.
22:13
Speaker 1: If you want to just give us a little tidbit,
22:16
Speaker 1: please share with us about your book, Yolanda.
22:19
Speaker 2: Well, I'm in the middle of finishing your book about
22:24
Speaker 2: domestic violence. Is to go into a little bit more
22:26
Speaker 2: of what I personally endured to talk about a bill
22:31
Speaker 2: that a wonderful friend and state Representative, Deba Tendrick, she
22:35
Speaker 2: had passed HB two seventy seven, which has really opened up,
22:41
Speaker 2: you know, more safety for domestic violence, you know, victim
22:47
Speaker 2: survivors in the state of Florida. So I'll be talking
22:49
Speaker 2: a little bit about that, but it's just to just
22:53
Speaker 2: I feel like my book should be more about, which
22:57
Speaker 2: is about what I have endured to share some stories
23:00
Speaker 2: that I've never really talked to people about, because you'll
23:03
Speaker 2: be surprised. So many people have horrific stories that they'll
23:07
Speaker 2: probably just take to the grave because of like how
23:11
Speaker 2: could you have allowed? But you know what, I'm out
23:15
Speaker 2: of it and if I can help someone else, I
23:18
Speaker 2: just want to. I want my book to know you're
23:20
Speaker 2: not alone, you know, And I'm developing a nonprofit, and
23:24
Speaker 2: so with the nonprofit, I plan on putting my book
23:27
Speaker 2: in the bags and just being an an advocate in person,
23:34
Speaker 2: a lived experienced person, because you can have so many
23:37
Speaker 2: groups advocating, but no one has ever liveded. And I
23:41
Speaker 2: don't care how much you've how many times you've talked
23:43
Speaker 2: to different victims, or you've you've been educated about certain areas,
23:51
Speaker 2: there's nothing like a lift experienced person tell you about
23:55
Speaker 2: domestic violence. And I just want to put myself out
23:59
Speaker 2: there more to help someone who could draw strength from
24:03
Speaker 2: what I'm doing and then they can get out of
24:05
Speaker 2: it and become an advocate too.
24:09
Speaker 1: Yeah, Advocates, allies, we all play a role in this world.
24:14
Speaker 1: And you know, there's a quote that I heard by
24:16
Speaker 1: one of my favorite singers, Rihanna, and she said, you
24:19
Speaker 1: don't have to be rich to help somebody. Amen, And
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Speaker 1: it's that simple. So, Yolanda, we look forward to your
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Speaker 1: book coming out. Again. Thank you so much, Yolanda for
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Speaker 1: coming on the show today and sharing your story. Well,
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Speaker 1: everybody again, that was miss Yolanda Cope that you heard
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Speaker 1: from today on grew at Portia. And that concludes our
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Speaker 1: conversation for today and until next time, everybody piece and
24:45
Speaker 1: agrees everyone and SMO