Latest / Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell / Can You Be Friends With Your Ex After Divorce?

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Can You Be Friends With Your Ex After Divorce? · Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell

• 0:06
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate the podcast.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_00: Finding the space for all of you in life and love.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_00: I'm your host, Sally Ann Hartnell, and this podcast is for anyone wanting to reclaim and liberate themselves in their relationships and their life.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_00: Wherever you are on your relationship journey, these conversations meet you right there.
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_00: In soulful, deeply supportive DNMs with me and interviews with other gorgeous humans.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_00: Moving you from where you are to where you most want to be.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_00: A life and love completely aligned with your deepest desires to have it all on your own terms.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_00: If you're seeking a relationship and a life that lights up all of you, you're in the right place.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome back to another episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_00: And today I'm going to talk about staying friends with your ex after divorce.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_00: And let's clarify, I'm talking about divorce sort of globally, separation, relationship breakup, however you want to frame it.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_00: Can you stay friends with your ex after divorce?
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_00: And why would you want to?
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_00: Can you stay friends with your ex after divorce?
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_00: Of course, the short answer to that is yes.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_00: But there's layers.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_00: There's layers of complexity and nuance, of course.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_00: And there are circumstances where it's not possible or even desirable, and I'll address them later in the pod in this episode of the podcast.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_00: Now, the most compelling reason to maintain a friendly relationship, if not a friendship, with your ex after divorce is if you have children together.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_00: If you have kids, you are bound to one another forever.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_00: You may not be intimate life partners anymore, but you're still and always will be the parents of your children.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_00: And this connection, I believe, is reason enough to stay amicable.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_00: If not great friends, then at least friendly.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_00: Your kids will benefit.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_00: Now when when we divorced, our kids were front and centre of all our decisions.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_00: Even before we divorced, I spent countless hours researching things like will divorce affect my kids?
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_00: Best ways to divorce when you have kids, how to tell your kids you're getting a divorce, how much does divorce damage kids?
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_00: And I I was so invested in making sure that they had the best possible experience through our separation, our divorce, and beyond.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_00: I was so invested in that.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_00: And I know a lot of you, and I know a lot of my clients are also.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_00: And I knew, well, we both knew that we wanted an outcome for them that meant they were the least impacted by our decision to divorce.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_00: They didn't choose it.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_00: We did.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_00: So making sure the impact on them was as minimal as possible was really important to both of us.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_00: It was vital to keep them out of any conflict.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_00: And even though our divorce was and separation was relatively amicable, there were moments and times and seasons through that separation process and through negotiating the divorce that that there was conflict.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_00: There could not not be.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_00: So keeping them out of the conflict was really important.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_00: Allowing them, therefore, to be free to have a connected, loving, beautiful relationship with both of us, not making anyone the bad cop.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_00: I also really wanted them to feel like they still had a family, a family that could function with kindness, with generosity, and with care for one another, even though we were going to be living, and now we do live, in separate houses, and even if it looked different from what it had previously, I wanted them to still feel that we were a family, that they had a family, and I wanted to show them and teach them how to navigate the big emotions and difficult life situations with kindness, with compassion, with grace.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, just this afternoon, Mike came to pick up Elliot, and he walked in and we're having a chat and he looked at the coffee machine and said, Hey, how about a coffee?
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_00: So we do have a friendship.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_00: Um I wanted our kids to know that we were still a parenting team, that we're still functioning together as a team to parent and raise them.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_00: They don't always like that because they can't play one off against the other as well as perhaps they could were we not a team, but it's been really important to all of us, to both of us as parents that that we were a team.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_00: Also wanted them to know that they were loved deeply and unconditionally by both parents.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_00: That they had two parents who, while we couldn't live together or be together as as life partners anymore, we still respected and cared for one another enough to bring kindness to the way we separated.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_00: And we put the needs of our kids and their right to have that deep, committed, loving relationship with both of us and our love for them, we put that ahead of our personal need to separate.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_00: And we chose the friendliest pathway we could through our separation, our divorce, and our family life afterwards, including making coffees.
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_00: And we've even holidayed together.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_00: And I'll drop a link to a blog post about how we did that in the show notes.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_00: So, yeah, even in cases where your ex or your co-parent isn't playing the nice game, isn't playing nicely, you can still bring kindness.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_00: You can, if not be friends, you can be friendly because you get to choose your reactions and your responses.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_00: Creating a friendly container, being friendly, being open, being amicable, staying calm makes it more likely you'll be met with similar behavior.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_00: And if not immediately, it might come in time, it might happen eventually.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_00: So holding to your values, behaving with integrity, behaving with courtesy and kindness can shift things, even when your ex or your co-parent may not be ready or willing or might not be playing the nice game.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_00: So, how to be friends after divorce?
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_00: Firstly, which leads on from what I just said, take it slowly.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_00: One of you may be more ready to be friends or friendly than the other, so don't force or rush it, don't push it.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_00: Make it clear to your partner, your ex-partner, in both what you say and how you behave, that you want your separation to be amicable.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_00: Because it's one thing to say it, it's another thing to actually do it and live it and be it.
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_00: Make it known that you would like in time to maintain a friendly relationship.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_00: And as I said, it's not just the words, it's in your behaviour.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_00: No point saying, Yeah, let's be friends, and then just being a complete ass about it or a complete dick, okay?
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_00: Make it make sure your words and your actions are aligned, but give each other the time and the space to reset, to forgive, to grieve, to heal, all the while treating each other gently, courteously, respectfully, and kindly.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_00: Number two, reframe it.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_00: Goes without saying if you're divorced, you no longer have an intimate partner relationship with this person.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_00: You're not life partners anymore.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_00: So things that you may have once said or done, ways you might have might have behaved or shown up for one another are no longer appropriate.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_00: So you need to reframe.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_00: Make a conscious decision to reframe this as a new version of your relationship.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_00: One where you are friends, not lovers, co-parents, not life partners.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_00: And this does require time, conscious effort, and new boundaries, new ways of being in relationship together.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_00: So commit to doing the work that you need to do, heal your triggers, dial down your reactivity, calm your nervous system, all of that, and learn new ways of communicating.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_00: Reframe it as a new relationship, let go of what was and reframe it as something new.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_00: Number three, take small steps.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_00: If, for example, you're planning time together, both parents and kids as a family, keep it short and sweet, particularly in the early stages, and keep it preferably on neutral ground.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_00: It's good also to have an activity or an event to occupy everyone, at least to begin with.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_00: So you go to a sporting event together or you go to a movie together rather than just hang out together over a meal.
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_00: It can be difficult.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_00: So that way you're less likely to be triggered by one another if you're only doing something for a short period of time.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_00: And a movie might be too long in the early days.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_00: So if you're only together for a short period of time, you're less likely to be triggered and you're less likely to drop back into old patterns of relating and engaging.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_00: There's just less time for it to happen when you're busy doing something else, when you're focused elsewhere, and you keep it short and sweet.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_00: So take small steps.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_00: Don't expect to be able to have a 10-day holiday together three weeks after you've separated.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_00: You know, take it slow as is as I outlined in number one, but also take small steps.
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_00: Just do it in small chunks.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_00: Point number four is start the way you want it to end.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_00: And if you've been hanging around here a while, you know that a key part of my work with clients is to take them to the future.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_00: Where do you want to be in two, five, ten, twenty years' time?
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_00: How do you want that?
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_00: How do you want that life, that version of your life to look and feel?
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_00: Do a similar thing with the friendship or the budding friendship, the developing friendship with your ex or your co-parent.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_00: You can't expect a friendship to be there immediately, especially if there's been a betrayal, if one of you is still angry or grieving.
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_00: But if you're committed to building a trusting, friendly, cooperative, collaborative relationship between the two of you, behave from the very beginning as you would towards a friend.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_00: So outline it, define it, know that that's what you want in the future, and start being it now.
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_00: Behave with courtesy, behave with respect, concern, kindness, care, just as you would any other friend.
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_00: And yes, even when you're activated or triggered or fired up by your ex, even when he or she does something that really annoys the shit out of you, even if they're not meeting you in the same way.
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_00: Be who you want to be, to have the new version of relationship you want to have with this person.
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_00: Hold to your values, start the way you want it to end.
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_00: I touched on boundaries a little earlier, but I'm gonna um I'm gonna come back to it now in more detail.
• 11:45
  SPEAKER_00: Friendships and intimate partner relationships are really different.
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_00: So define the boundaries for this new version of your relationship.
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_00: Outline what is and is not okay for the two of you as exes who are friends and co-parents, and you may need to really clearly outline these and communicate them with your ex.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_00: Or you might not, but decide for yourself what is and is not okay in this new iteration of your of your relationship.
• 12:19
  SPEAKER_00: I would suggest steering clear of intimate or personal discussions and details that aren't directly related to your kids or to your uh property settlement negotiation.
• 12:32
  SPEAKER_00: Steer clear of the personal stuff.
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_00: Allow the past to remain in the past by setting boundaries around triggering topics.
• 12:40
  SPEAKER_00: Things that you know that have triggered you in the past or the two of you or tipped you into conflict.
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_00: Just steer clear of them for a while.
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_00: Let the dust all settle.
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_00: There may also be other boundaries that you you need to reset.
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_00: Um, things around your time and your energy and access to one another's personal spaces.
• 13:02
  SPEAKER_00: So think about boundaries and how that the boundaries need to be reset, reframed for a friendship rather than an intimate partner relationship.
• 13:12
  SPEAKER_00: It might also be boundaries around the way you communicate, the words that you use.
• 13:18
  SPEAKER_00: The language that intimate partners use versus friends use is subtly different.
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_00: So think about the boundaries that you need to set or that you need to reframe or reset for this new version of your relationship with this person as a friend rather than a partner.
• 13:38
  SPEAKER_00: Agree to a code of silence, and by this I mean agree to a code of silence around triggering topics, allowing the past to remain in the past.
• 13:49
  SPEAKER_00: Now, this doesn't mean you simply forget anything hurtful or any betrayal or anything big that's happened between you, but rather you're actively choosing to deal with it by yourself, to choose to you choosing to heal it and deal with it on your own, rather than bring it into this new version of your relationship with your ex.
• 14:09
  SPEAKER_00: And if that means that you need to keep your engagement short and sweet, which we've already talked about, and relatively superficial for the for the early phases, that's fine for the time being.
• 14:22
  SPEAKER_00: Again, it's about reframing this relationship and peeling out the intimate partner stuff and and creating a new version, um, a friendship.
• 14:33
  SPEAKER_00: So agree to a code of silence around the topics that you know will trigger one another.
• 14:41
  SPEAKER_00: Actively choose not to bring the past into the relationship with your ex by doing your own work and your own healing and your own inner stuff privately.
• 14:55
  SPEAKER_00: Keep your communication calm.
• 14:59
  SPEAKER_00: Easy said, hard to do.
• 15:01
  SPEAKER_00: Establishing new karma communication patterns is really, really important.
• 15:07
  SPEAKER_00: So learn how to recognize and even predict or preempt your triggers, what trips you up, what fires you up.
• 15:16
  SPEAKER_00: Learn to recognize and preempt them and be ready for them and ready with ways to calm down your reactivity, dial down your nervous system before engaging with your ex.
• 15:29
  SPEAKER_00: It is impossible to communicate from a to communicate calmly if you're in an activated state, if your nervous system is already fired up, if you're already in fight-flight mode.
• 15:43
  SPEAKER_00: You can't process what's being said, you can't analyze and make objective decisions.
• 15:50
  SPEAKER_00: So learn what you need to learn to dial down your reactivity, calm your nervous system before you go into an situation where your ex is going to be there.
• 16:01
  SPEAKER_00: Listening is the next important part of communicating.
• 16:05
  SPEAKER_00: And again, you know, if you're already fired up, you can't listen.
• 16:08
  SPEAKER_00: You actually cannot hear.
• 16:10
  SPEAKER_00: Your brain is hijacked and you can't hear.
• 16:12
  SPEAKER_00: So dialing things down is really important and listening to understand, listening to hear rather than just listening and waiting for your next opportunity to speak, to jump in and have your say.
• 16:24
  SPEAKER_00: And hands up, I'm guilty of that.
• 16:26
  SPEAKER_00: So it's it's lifelong learning.
• 16:29
  SPEAKER_00: Be open to what's being said, be receptive to what's being said, open to other ways of looking at things and doing things because your your way, like my way, may well be the best way, but it's not the only way.
• 16:45
  SPEAKER_00: And I say that tongue-in-cheek.
• 16:47
  SPEAKER_00: You know, your way is not the only way.
• 16:50
  SPEAKER_00: So communicating calmly, openly, and being open to other ideas.
• 16:55
  SPEAKER_00: Also keep the communication on topic, and that this ties back into the code of silence, right?
• 17:02
  SPEAKER_00: So whether your communication, your conversation be about money or children or property, stay with the present issue rather than being tempted to trip off into the past, into past issues, old patterns, old unresolved conflicts.
• 17:18
  SPEAKER_00: Stay present, present in the moment and focused on the current issue and the current version of the issue rather than drifting back into the past.
• 17:32
  SPEAKER_00: Again, going back to reframing this new version of relationship, be really mindful in your communication about language, about language and tone.
• 17:43
  SPEAKER_00: The language that we use and the tone in which we yeah, the tone that we use with an intimate partner is really different to that which we use with a friend or a colleague.
• 17:55
  SPEAKER_00: So be mindful about your tone, be mindful about the words and the language that you use.
• 18:02
  SPEAKER_00: My next point is remember your why and remember your past.
• 18:09
  SPEAKER_00: And by that I mean remember and acknowledge your past.
• 18:13
  SPEAKER_00: You know, if you've been involved with this person for a long time, the roots go deep, the connection runs deep, and it likely wasn't all bad.
• 18:24
  SPEAKER_00: Now, here I'm talking, I'm not talking toxic, I'm not talking um abusive, I'm talking a relationship that just did not work.
• 18:34
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, and if that's your experience, it wasn't all bad.
• 18:39
  SPEAKER_00: You liked, you even loved one another once upon a time.
• 18:43
  SPEAKER_00: So after that initial shock, pain, grief, after the initial phase has passed, it is perfectly okay to remind yourself and to remind one another occasionally of happy memories or in jokes that you shared when you were together.
• 18:59
  SPEAKER_00: It needs time, so not in the early stages, but once you've moved through some of those early phases, this is great for your kids to see and hear.
• 19:10
  SPEAKER_00: It's great for them to see and hear and share in these moments.
• 19:14
  SPEAKER_00: Teaches them about the light and shadow of life that you can still respect and honour your ex's part in your life in the journey, even if you can't be together anymore.
• 19:27
  SPEAKER_00: So it teaches them respect, it teaches them how to deal with the big emotions and big life moments with kindness, with friendliness.
• 19:36
  SPEAKER_00: So bitterness, anger, resentment, pain, all of that have their place and should not ever be denied as valid emotions.
• 19:46
  SPEAKER_00: But carrying them for a long period of time causes harm.
• 19:50
  SPEAKER_00: And the most harm it causes is to you.
• 19:53
  SPEAKER_00: Um, to you, to everyone around you, and that includes if you have them children carrying and holding on to those strong I hesitate to use the word negative, but you know, those really strong, darker, shadowy uh emotions causes harm.
• 20:13
  SPEAKER_00: So remember why you liked your partner in the first place.
• 20:18
  SPEAKER_00: Remember the things that called you towards him or her, and remember why you are committed to a friendlier path, to a friendly path through.
• 20:31
  SPEAKER_00: Be future focused.
• 20:34
  SPEAKER_00: So rather than staying stuck in that past, anchored by that hurt or grief, the bitterness, shift your focus to the future.
• 20:43
  SPEAKER_00: How do you want your future life to look?
• 20:46
  SPEAKER_00: And most importantly, how do you want it to feel?
• 20:49
  SPEAKER_00: Two, five, ten, twenty years down the track, how do you want your future life to look and feel?
• 20:56
  SPEAKER_00: And how can you bring more of that?
• 20:59
  SPEAKER_00: How can you bring more of that way of being into your current life?
• 21:05
  SPEAKER_00: How can you bring more of that way of being and of feeling that you want in your future life?
• 21:10
  SPEAKER_00: How can you bring more of that into your current reality?
• 21:13
  SPEAKER_00: And yes, even if it feels tricky or tender right now, even if your ex-partner is not meeting you in the same way, focusing on the future version helps you, helps inform the way you behave in your present.
• 21:28
  SPEAKER_00: Focusing on the future version of your life that you're wanting to create and bringing that behavior, those feelings into your current reality helps shift it and it moves you moves you closer to it faster.
• 21:42
  SPEAKER_00: It's also really important to remember that, as I said in the very beginning of this episode, you remain connected by your past and by your children.
• 21:53
  SPEAKER_00: There will be moments and events, both small and bigger, more significant.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_00: That your kids will want you both to be a part of in the future.
• 22:05
  SPEAKER_00: There will be these moments and these events.
• 22:08
  SPEAKER_00: And if you don't have kids, it is likely that there will be some moments, some events of extended family or common friends where you'll be in the same space.
• 22:22
  SPEAKER_00: So being friends or at least just friendly makes it possible and more enjoyable for everyone, but especially for you.
• 22:31
  SPEAKER_00: Releasing yourself from carrying that heavy burden of the shadow type emotions and stepping forward into the future that you most want to create for yourself, bringing some of that into your current life is freeing, is liberating.
• 22:47
  SPEAKER_00: Another really important element of being friends or friendly with your ex, particularly if you have kids, is showing care and concern for one another and supporting one another.
• 23:00
  SPEAKER_00: So being on the same, being on the same side, being on the same team, helping, supporting one another, being a co-parenting team rather than flying solo and parallel parenting.
• 23:12
  SPEAKER_00: So that can look like involving your ex in discussions and decisions about what's going on for your kids, keeping them informed, asking for help and offering it in return.
• 23:26
  SPEAKER_00: So it might also be as simple as you know sharing information and stories and photos about what's happening in the lives of your kids when they're not with you, when they're with you and not with your ex, and encouraging your co-parent to do the same.
• 23:40
  SPEAKER_00: So really being inclusive, being open and inviting sets you up to be friendly towards one another.
• 23:47
  SPEAKER_00: So that again, that being future focused and really embodying and being who you most want to be in the future and how you most want to feel, embodying it now, can support you to re-establish or reframe and become friendly towards one another.
• 24:04
  SPEAKER_00: So showing care and concern can also mean, you know, being just being thoughtful as you would with any other friend.
• 24:12
  SPEAKER_00: Remembering their birthday and and allowing your kids to celebrate it by supporting them to make a card, buy a gift, all the things.
• 24:30
  SPEAKER_00: I call it our anniversary, and we'll often, not always, but often just send a text message, hey, happy anniversary.
• 24:37
  SPEAKER_00: Um so just being thoughtful and showing up in thoughtful, kind, caring ways.
• 24:46
  SPEAKER_00: We also are really still involved with one another's, not involved with, but connected to one another's extended family.
• 24:53
  SPEAKER_00: So, you know, making sure you touch base and hey, how you know, how's your dad?
• 24:57
  SPEAKER_00: Um, again, I just did that this afternoon with with Mike.
• 25:01
  SPEAKER_00: You know, his dad's elderly and and not and a bit unwell, how's he going?
• 25:05
  SPEAKER_00: You know, just showing the same level of care and concern that you would for another friend.
• 25:12
  SPEAKER_00: Now, when you can't be friends, because for some couples, being friends after divorce is simply not possible, not desirable, not possible.
• 25:24
  SPEAKER_00: And if this is your out your reality and you have children together, you may find yourself parallel parenting rather than co-parenting in order to protect yourself emotionally, keep yourself emotionally and physically safe.
• 25:40
  SPEAKER_00: That's a whole other podcast episode.
• 25:42
  SPEAKER_00: There is a blog post, so if you want to search the blog, there's some stuff on there about um co-parenting with a tricky ex.
• 25:50
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I can link that in the show notes too.
• 25:52
  SPEAKER_00: So anything that would make a friendship between you and your ex physically or emotionally unsafe is a red flag, abuse in any form, domestic violence, um, substance dependency, alcohol abuse, narcissism, criminal behaviour.
• 26:09
  SPEAKER_00: If you wouldn't be friends with this person in any other context, it's not gonna work.
• 26:15
  SPEAKER_00: It's not safe.
• 26:16
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, so if it's not a safe, healthy relationship that you can have with this person, then being friendly with your ex is not gonna work, and you need to choose a parallel parenting model where you are courteous, kind, courteous and respectful without being friendly.
• 26:40
  SPEAKER_00: Um now, if maintaining a friendship or relationship with your ex is actually draining you, or it's holding you back from moving forward with your own life, your own healing, your new a new version of your own life, if it's limiting your capacity to prioritize yourself, your needs, your desires, or if it leaves you feeling depleted, unable to really take um take good care of yourself, to forge new relationships and new connections, build new friendships, you might not be ready.
• 27:17
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe maybe it's the it's codependency that needs healing.
• 27:23
  SPEAKER_00: So if you were an over-functioner, an overgiver in your previous the previous iteration of your relationship, and you still feel like that's happening, that your partner, your ex-partner, I'm sorry, is underfunctioning and you're overfunctioning, you may need just to hit the pause button on being friends.
• 27:41
  SPEAKER_00: You may need to sort of adopt that parallel parenting model until you're ready, you've done enough healing, you've done enough stuff in a work so that you can stand solid in yourself, you can set the boundaries that you need to set, etc.
• 27:54
  SPEAKER_00: etc.
• 27:56
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe too, you weren't ever really great friends in the first place, or maybe the trust between you has been eroded to the point where you just can't be friends.
• 28:09
  SPEAKER_00: If that's your reality, do not make that wrong.
• 28:13
  SPEAKER_00: Accept that it's not possible for you right now, and simply choose that calm, respectful model.
• 28:21
  SPEAKER_00: It might not be right for you now, it may change, it may not.
• 28:26
  SPEAKER_00: Don't make not being friends with your ex wrong.
• 28:30
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, it's great if it's possible, but for some but sometimes it's just not.
• 28:37
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes though, stepping out of that intimate partner relationship, stepping out of trying to fix it and transitioning out of that life partner, intimate couple relationship actually liberates you both.
• 28:49
  SPEAKER_00: You drop a whole heap of baggage that you just don't have to carry anymore.
• 28:52
  SPEAKER_00: It enables you to let go of trying to fix it, which then enables you to reset and it actually allows you the you both the freedom to become friends, to remember why you liked one another, as I said earlier, to remember what attracted you to one another and to reframe and become real friends.
• 29:17
  SPEAKER_00: And if being friends with your ex is something you want, but you're not quite there yet, do go slow, do allow time.
• 29:28
  SPEAKER_00: Don't think it has to be now, and don't think it can't ever be.
• 29:33
  SPEAKER_00: Hold your intention, think about how you want your the future to be and behave accordingly to keep the possibility of a future friendship alive.
• 29:43
  SPEAKER_00: Regardless of whether you chose the divorce or it wasn't your decision and you're still reeling, it takes time to do the healing, it takes time to do the inner work and the healing that does create the possibility of a new version of your relationship, of a friendship forming between the two of you.
• 30:05
  SPEAKER_00: It takes time.
• 30:07
  SPEAKER_00: I just want you to know that whichever path you take, good things are coming for you.
• 30:13
  SPEAKER_00: Good things come after divorce.
• 30:16
  SPEAKER_00: And if you're thinking about or you're thinking about separating or you're navigating your own divorce, and if you want deep nurture and deep support to do it your way, to yeah, potentially go on and and have a friendship with your ex.
• 30:34
  SPEAKER_00: If you would like my deep support to do that, let's chat.
• 30:39
  SPEAKER_00: I will link all of the stuff I've mentioned in the show notes.
• 30:42
  SPEAKER_00: I would love to support you if this is something that you're navigating or moving through.
• 30:48
  SPEAKER_00: Let's jump on a call, free intro reset call.
• 30:51
  SPEAKER_00: There will be a link to the show notes for that call.
• 30:55
  SPEAKER_00: And I thank you for being here, for showing up for yourself, for doing your work, for being prepared to do the hard things.
• 31:05
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you, thank you so much for being here until next time.
• 31:10
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sally Ann Hartnell, Relationship Coach, and you've been listening to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 31:16
  SPEAKER_00: You can follow me on Instagram at Reflect Coaching, and if you can think of anyone who would love this episode, please, please share it with them.
• 31:24
  SPEAKER_00: I'd also be so grateful if you'd follow the podcast and review this episode so we can get it in the ears of a whole lot more humans just like you who are ready to reclaim and liberate themselves in life and love.
• 31:36
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you'll join me next time for another episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 31:41
  SPEAKER_00: Until then.