Latest / Come Back to Love: / Come Back To Love October 15, 2026 Navigating Relationships in Crisis

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Come Back To Love October 15, 2026 Navigating Relationships in Crisis · Come Back to Love:

• 0:01
  Speaker 1: Welcome to Come Back to Love with your host, Robin Vogel.
• 0:05
  Speaker 1: Each week at this same time, Come Back to Love
• 0:08
  Speaker 1: covers an endless array of topics related to relationships, love,
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  Speaker 1: and intimacy, along with all the reasons you may be
• 0:15
  Speaker 1: keeping love at a distance. Can a shattered heart be
• 0:17
  Speaker 1: your doorway to your greatest love story? Robin will give
• 0:21
  Speaker 1: you practical tools that can be used to heal the
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  Speaker 1: past and help you to safely love again. And now,
• 0:27
  Speaker 1: today's Come Back to Love.
• 0:31
  Speaker 2: In a world that often feels disconnected, uncertain, and overwhelming,
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  Speaker 2: there has never been a more important time to come
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  Speaker 2: back to love. I'm Robin Vogel, intimacy coach, author of
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  Speaker 2: Come Back to Love, A Path to Healing. For over
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  Speaker 2: 20 years, I've been sitting with people in their most
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  Speaker 2: tender and courageous moments. The heartbreaks, the longing, the walls
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  Speaker 2: they've built around their hearts, and the quiet hope that
• 0:53
  Speaker 2: real love is still possible. This show is a sanctuary,
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  Speaker 2: a place to heal the past, reconnect with yourself, and
• 0:59
  Speaker 2: fall in love again. with your life, with others, and
• 1:03
  Speaker 2: most importantly, with yourself. Welcome to Come Back to Love.
• 1:06
  Speaker 2: We are on KMET radio. This is your ABC News
• 1:09
  Speaker 2: radio affiliate station. Come Back to Love radio airs on
• 1:13
  Speaker 2: 1490 AM and 98.1 FM at 1.30 PM Pacific and 4.30
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  Speaker 2: PM Eastern time. And today I am zooming in from Boston.
• 1:23
  Speaker 2: Welcome to our new listeners. Welcome to those that show
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  Speaker 2: up here every week. I am so grateful for all
• 1:30
  Speaker 2: of you. Today I have a really special guest. Her
• 1:33
  Speaker 2: name is Anna Howerton and she is a double certified
• 1:36
  Speaker 2: relationship coach. We will hear more about that. Who helps
• 1:39
  Speaker 2: individuals and couples navigate relationships in crisis. Whether they're fighting
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  Speaker 2: to save a marriage or rebuilding after divorce. With undergraduate
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  Speaker 2: degrees in psychology and political science from UNC Chapel Hill.
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  Speaker 2: She brings a rare mix of academic insight and real-world
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  Speaker 2: leadership experience, including 18 years leading global talent teams, serving
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  Speaker 2: as a senior admissions counselor at the Wharton School at
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  Speaker 2: the University of Pennsylvania, and as chief of staff at
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  Speaker 2: a growth stage company that scaled from zero to hundreds
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  Speaker 2: of millions in revenue in just three years. Based in Raleigh,
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  Speaker 2: North Carolina and Orange County, California, Anna works virtually and
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  Speaker 2: in person with clients nationwide. You can find her at
• 2:21
  Speaker 2: her website, which is basically her name.com. Anna Howerton, H
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  Speaker 2: O W E R T O N.com. You'll hear more
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  Speaker 2: about that later and check the show notes. If you
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  Speaker 2: didn't catch it and I'm welcome. Thank you so much
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  Speaker 2: for being here.
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  Speaker 3: Thank you so much for having me, Robin. I'm really
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  Speaker 3: excited to have this conversation. Absolutely.
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  Speaker 2: We have done some similar work, um, and we do
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  Speaker 2: some similar work. I, I have been steeped in client
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  Speaker 2: and couples work for many years for about 10 years.
• 2:52
  Speaker 2: It's like all I did. And I had a divorce
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  Speaker 2: mediation training and couples certification trainings, and I loved it
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  Speaker 2: so much. Um, and I still do really love it
• 3:03
  Speaker 2: that I pared down my private practice a bit and
• 3:05
  Speaker 2: I love leading retreats and weekends and things like that.
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  Speaker 2: They are very much a passion of mine. So, I'm
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  Speaker 2: very curious to hear, and especially it'll be helpful for
• 3:15
  Speaker 2: our listeners to hear, tell us a little about the
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  Speaker 2: kind of people that reach out to receive your support. Yeah.
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  Speaker 3: Thanks, Robin. I have an interesting mix because I do
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  Speaker 3: work with people who are married and they're in crisis.
• 3:32
  Speaker 3: So they're really maybe wanting to make a call on
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  Speaker 3: whether or not to stay or go. So divorce contemplation
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  Speaker 3: is That would be just an individual maybe coming to
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  Speaker 3: work with me to get to that clarity. Or I
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  Speaker 3: have couples that come that are just in a really
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  Speaker 3: bad spot and they need a pattern change. They need
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  Speaker 3: a dynamic break and what they're doing now isn't working.
• 3:51
  Speaker 3: And so they need help. They're really in a tough spot.
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  Speaker 3: And so that would be somebody, those are all people
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  Speaker 3: who are still married. That's a chunk of like probably
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  Speaker 3: 50% of my clients. And then the other half of
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  Speaker 3: my clients are people who have already been through a
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  Speaker 3: divorce and are just needing to recover, right? Like kind
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  Speaker 3: of needing to come back to themselves, come back to
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  Speaker 3: love in their own bodies and their own souls. And also,
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  Speaker 3: you know, rebuilding, re-envisioning their life post-divorce. So a big
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  Speaker 3: part of that is dating for a lot of people.
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  Speaker 3: So I do a lot of coaching intensives on dating
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  Speaker 3: after divorce or widows, like dating after you've lost a spouse.
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  Speaker 3: And then also some just people locally who have heard
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  Speaker 3: about my work and are just dating and have never
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  Speaker 3: been married. So yeah, you know, just kind of building
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  Speaker 3: those relationship skills, dating skills. Like it truly is such
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  Speaker 3: a bizarre time to be alive and dating in this
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  Speaker 3: modern technology world. And how do you meet people? What
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  Speaker 3: are the strategies? How do you engage? How do you
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  Speaker 3: make real connections? How do you date and not make
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  Speaker 3: it always feel like it's an interview? And, and that
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  Speaker 3: it's this like arduous process of just like, okay, what
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  Speaker 3: do you like? What do I like? You know, how
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  Speaker 3: do you build those muscles? And as you know, Robin,
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  Speaker 3: from your work, none of us were taught this in
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  Speaker 3: school ever. And that seems insane because relationships and particularly
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  Speaker 3: romantic partnerships have arguably the most outsized impact on your life,
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  Speaker 3: you know, in terms of just functioning and, you know,
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  Speaker 3: your life and sharing a life with someone, managing a
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  Speaker 3: home and a romantic partnership and children and all these
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  Speaker 3: other things. And so I really love that I get
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  Speaker 3: the opportunity to help people build these relational skills on,
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  Speaker 3: you know, either how to stay married or decide if
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  Speaker 3: they're in the right marriage or date after they've lost
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  Speaker 3: their spouse and, you know, just working through what doesn't
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  Speaker 3: come natural to so many of us.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, absolutely. I feel like our listeners are like having
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  Speaker 2: different opinions on where we should start. Like, Oh, I'm
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  Speaker 2: struggling with like whether to stay or go. So let's
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  Speaker 2: hear that. Or I'm in the dating realm and I
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  Speaker 2: have no idea what I'm doing. And I hate online dating,
• 6:02
  Speaker 2: which is what probably you hear that I hear as well.
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  Speaker 2: So let's start with the couples that are struggling and
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  Speaker 2: really not sure. It feels like I get so many, um,
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  Speaker 2: people sharing that with me, you know, whether it's just,
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  Speaker 2: you know, casually at a gathering or, you know, people
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  Speaker 2: that I work with and it feels like a really,
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  Speaker 2: that's such a big topic and such a hard question.
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  Speaker 3: Yes, absolutely. Well, you know, Terry real, who's in your
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  Speaker 3: backyard in Boston, he always says like, am I, you know,
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  Speaker 3: the classic question is, am I getting more from this
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  Speaker 3: relationship that I'm not getting? And then can I make
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  Speaker 3: that calculation and grieve what I'm not getting so that
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  Speaker 3: I can be present in this marriage or relationship and
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  Speaker 3: be grateful for the good that is there? So some
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  Speaker 3: of what I'm doing truly is making an assessment, Robin,
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  Speaker 3: of both people. Do they feel like they're getting enough
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  Speaker 3: good from the partnership as it is to say like, yep,
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  Speaker 3: let's keep going. I want to re-up. Let's keep going.
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  Speaker 3: Let's keep investing. And if they're not, you know, depending
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  Speaker 3: on what the couple's issues are, I obviously, you know,
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  Speaker 3: have book recommendations and podcasts and articles and a couple
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  Speaker 3: tools and assessments that I'll give them so that they
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  Speaker 3: can start to tease out, you know, sort of pull
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  Speaker 3: back the layers of like, what are the core issues
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  Speaker 3: that are potentially causing so much dysfunction that they're at
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  Speaker 3: the place of saying, I don't know if this is it. Like,
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  Speaker 3: I don't know. Because As you know, some people, it
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  Speaker 3: is too far gone and there is too much resentment
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  Speaker 3: and either one or both parties is unwilling to let
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  Speaker 3: go of the resentment, the contempt, and they just can't
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  Speaker 3: get over it. And they essentially are no longer able
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  Speaker 3: to see their partner. I think this is the Gottman's
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  Speaker 3: term with the PSO, positive sentiment override, as opposed to NSO,
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  Speaker 3: negative sentiment override. So when couples have lost the ability
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  Speaker 3: to to see each other in a positive light, that's
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  Speaker 3: a tough spot. So you've got to, that's, I have
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  Speaker 3: to bring people back from the brink of that, of
• 8:07
  Speaker 3: everything you're doing is wrong, Robin. Like you loaded the
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  Speaker 3: dishes wrong. You didn't, you forgot to switch the laundry.
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  Speaker 3: you know, got our kids to practice late. Like it's
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  Speaker 3: never like, okay, no problem, Robin. Like I know you're stressed.
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  Speaker 3: That's why you forgot to switch the laundry. Or there
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  Speaker 3: are two different ways to look at idiosyncrasies or disconnects
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  Speaker 3: or shortcomings. And if both parties have started to essentially
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  Speaker 3: assign character flaws to any little things that happen, you're
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  Speaker 3: in a tough spot.
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  Speaker 2: So well articulated, Anna, like really, truly. And yeah, I'm sorry,
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  Speaker 2: I left the dishes in the sink last night. So yeah,
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  Speaker 2: talk more about that, this piece, because that is absolutely,
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  Speaker 2: you're in such a tough spot if all you can
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  Speaker 2: see are the negative aspects. And like you said, you've
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  Speaker 2: characterized your partner based on these things that you find
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  Speaker 2: frustrating or irritating.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah.
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  Speaker 2: Of course, these are also like symptoms, right? Like getting
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  Speaker 2: upset with the dishes in the sink or the laundry
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  Speaker 2: not being moved from the washer to the dryer are
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  Speaker 2: sort of the surface level symptoms. So I guess I'm
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  Speaker 2: asking two questions at once. How do you work with
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  Speaker 2: the person who's really like looping in that space along
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  Speaker 2: with supporting them and really seeing what's actually going on? Yeah. Yeah.
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  Speaker 3: So initially you got to get to the core. You
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  Speaker 3: go back, I go back to the beginning. What did
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  Speaker 3: you really like about Robin when you fell in love
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  Speaker 3: with her? What drew you to her? Right. And so
• 9:44
  Speaker 3: you get them to go back, tell the story of
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  Speaker 3: how they fell in love, why they married each other
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  Speaker 3: in the first place or why they got together in
• 9:50
  Speaker 3: the first place. And then you have them sort of
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  Speaker 3: write a list of like, okay, what are the, amazing
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  Speaker 3: parts of this person that I can potentially anchor in
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  Speaker 3: gratitude for? And how can I turn my sort of
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  Speaker 3: focus on how I view them through this lens of
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  Speaker 3: like these amazing things about them, which is why I
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  Speaker 3: married them in the first place. Now, here's a quick tangent.
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  Speaker 3: many of us marry people for not the right reasons.
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  Speaker 3: And so if that, that potentially uncovers that, like, maybe
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  Speaker 3: you weren't really in love, like maybe you married them
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  Speaker 3: because they went to the same college or they were
• 10:27
  Speaker 3: going to have a good job or you liked their family.
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  Speaker 3: There are many. So if some of those reasons are
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  Speaker 3: not rock solid on like, Oh my gosh, you know what?
• 10:35
  Speaker 3: Like Robin has the best laugh and like her heart
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  Speaker 3: is so tender and she's a really good friend. And
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  Speaker 3: if it's not like beautiful love, parts of their essence,
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  Speaker 3: that's tough, right? If the reasons of why they were
• 10:46
  Speaker 3: compelled to marry someone. So that's always a really meaningful
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  Speaker 3: moment for me in doing an assessment on that. But
• 10:53
  Speaker 3: then the other, so that's one part is I try
• 10:56
  Speaker 3: to get them to say, what made you fall in love?
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  Speaker 3: You used to love this person, or there's a reason
• 11:00
  Speaker 3: you married them. What is the reason you married them? Right.
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  Speaker 3: And see if I can't get them to both look
• 11:05
  Speaker 3: at each other and kind of ground and gratitude for
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  Speaker 3: what is good, what was compelling at the beginning. And
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  Speaker 3: I need them to Start focusing on that as opposed
• 11:13
  Speaker 3: to the deficiencies that they see or feel. And then
• 11:17
  Speaker 3: in order to get underneath like, hey, it's not about
• 11:19
  Speaker 3: the dishes. It's not about the laundry. It's not about
• 11:22
  Speaker 3: the forgetting the bread at the market or whatever. I
• 11:25
  Speaker 3: asked them both to take this assessment called an emotional
• 11:29
  Speaker 3: needs inventory. And it was created by Willard Harley. He
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  Speaker 3: wrote the book in the 1980s called His Needs, Her Needs.
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  Speaker 3: And so it's a little dated and, you know, gender
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  Speaker 3: roles and things like that. But I have found it
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  Speaker 3: to be a really powerful tool and people figuring out,
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  Speaker 3: I mean, it's a bit like a, he has 10
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  Speaker 3: emotional needs and the five love languages by Gary Chapman
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  Speaker 3: is five. So I like this cause it actually goes
• 11:58
  Speaker 3: a layer more. And he kind of like for every one,
• 12:01
  Speaker 3: like love language, there's actually two kind of like really
• 12:04
  Speaker 3: getting more granular. And then I have the couples fill
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  Speaker 3: out their value assessment on like how important each of
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  Speaker 3: those are. And then I discuss them and say like, okay,
• 12:13
  Speaker 3: so I think the reason you're so pissed about the
• 12:17
  Speaker 3: dish is not being done or whatever is because your
• 12:20
  Speaker 3: emotional bank of love is empty like there have been
• 12:23
  Speaker 3: like no deposits of love from your partner so like
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  Speaker 3: you have zero margin to not you know lose your
• 12:30
  Speaker 3: you know mind when something goes wrong whereas when i
• 12:34
  Speaker 3: feel this in my own relationship i'm now very happily
• 12:37
  Speaker 3: married for the second time and even in our relationship
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  Speaker 3: which is generally healthy and secure Like if Mark has
• 12:43
  Speaker 3: not put a bunch of deposits in my bank, you know,
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  Speaker 3: I'm mad about the dishes at the end of the week.
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  Speaker 3: I'm like, Hey dude, like this is a value exchange.
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  Speaker 3: I'm like, I'm empty. I'm my tank is on empty.
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  Speaker 3: So when you don't switch the dishes or whatever, like
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  Speaker 3: I'm going to, you know, blow a gasket. I don't,
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  Speaker 3: but I mean, I might, or it feels like I
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  Speaker 3: want to, right. So you need to unlock what makes
• 13:05
  Speaker 3: each person feel really loved, really seen and known in
• 13:09
  Speaker 3: a partnership. And then how can I get them to
• 13:13
  Speaker 3: start to think through what are little ways that each
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  Speaker 3: of them can start making deposits into each of their
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  Speaker 3: love banks so that when the small things happen, it's
• 13:23
  Speaker 3: not like this zero to 60, like, I can't believe
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  Speaker 3: you did that. Or are you kidding me? You never
• 13:28
  Speaker 3: did it. Like if you've got the positive sentiment override
• 13:32
  Speaker 3: and you're feeling loved, cherished, seen, known by your partner,
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  Speaker 3: you can handle that. a miss. You can handle a disconnection, right?
• 13:43
  Speaker 2: Absolutely.
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  Speaker 3: 100%.
• 13:45
  Speaker 2: So right on. I really appreciate the way you're expressing
• 13:48
  Speaker 2: it too. It brings me to maybe something that you
• 13:52
  Speaker 2: also support these clients in and how to speak to it.
• 13:58
  Speaker 2: Because I think the sharing of that insight and the understanding,
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  Speaker 2: like my bucket is actually empty. I don't feel seen
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  Speaker 2: and heard, but they're supposed to know, or I don't,
• 14:13
  Speaker 2: you know, you know, there can be that whole piece
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  Speaker 2: of like knowing yourself well enough to know what would
• 14:20
  Speaker 2: match those things for you and then making requests, or
• 14:25
  Speaker 2: maybe you have another piece to add, like. People, I think,
• 14:29
  Speaker 2: get stuck there. They're just like, oh, well, my partner
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  Speaker 2: should know and they're not doing it.
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  Speaker 3: So, you know. Yeah, totally. That even happens in my
• 14:38
  Speaker 3: own marriage sometimes where I'll say, you know this about me. Like,
• 14:41
  Speaker 3: why are you messing up this one exact thing? You
• 14:43
  Speaker 3: know that this is very upsetting or that this makes
• 14:46
  Speaker 3: me feel loved and you not doing it is upsetting
• 14:49
  Speaker 3: because you know me. Yeah. So, I mean, I really
• 14:52
  Speaker 3: do love this tool. And then that gives a ground,
• 14:56
  Speaker 3: you know, a foundation to talk about a jumping off
• 14:59
  Speaker 3: point of like, okay, Sally, here's what makes Joe feel loved.
• 15:02
  Speaker 3: Like this is kind of, you know, the Gottman's talk
• 15:05
  Speaker 3: about a love map. Like this is a map of
• 15:07
  Speaker 3: like how to love Joe. Joe, this is a map
• 15:09
  Speaker 3: of how to love Sally. So if you could really
• 15:12
  Speaker 3: focus on these ways to You will win a lot
• 15:16
  Speaker 3: of chits with her, like a lot of coins or whatever,
• 15:19
  Speaker 3: if you do this thing. And then Sally, if you
• 15:22
  Speaker 3: do these things for Joe, that's going to have him
• 15:25
  Speaker 3: flying high as a kite in terms of his affection
• 15:28
  Speaker 3: and warmth towards you because he feels loved and filled
• 15:30
  Speaker 3: up by what you're doing. And to get really clear,
• 15:34
  Speaker 3: because you know this, lots of people... I mean, first
• 15:38
  Speaker 3: you just got to start talking about it. Lots of
• 15:40
  Speaker 3: people do things that they think will show love or affection,
• 15:44
  Speaker 3: but that doesn't get received as such. And so you
• 15:48
  Speaker 3: have really open conversations of, Hey, Joe, I know that
• 15:53
  Speaker 3: when you make me coffee every morning, you think that's
• 15:56
  Speaker 3: such a wonderful big thing for me. Like that actually,
• 15:58
  Speaker 3: I don't care. I can make my own coffee. So like,
• 16:01
  Speaker 3: I feel nothing when you do that. What I would
• 16:03
  Speaker 3: love is for you to pick up the kids every
• 16:05
  Speaker 3: day at three from school or whatever, you know, that
• 16:07
  Speaker 3: would make me feel loved. So you just have to
• 16:10
  Speaker 3: be so crystal clear and open communication of talking about
• 16:14
  Speaker 3: here's what, lights me up and here, this means nothing
• 16:18
  Speaker 3: to me. So I don't care if you manage the
• 16:20
  Speaker 3: yard or, you know, maybe he doesn't care if Sally
• 16:25
  Speaker 3: walks the dog all the time or whatever. You've got
• 16:27
  Speaker 3: to get aligned on knowing each other's like love maps
• 16:30
  Speaker 3: and like what fills me up and what, what could
• 16:33
  Speaker 3: I care less about that we maybe cut out or please,
• 16:35
  Speaker 3: or please don't assign a bigger value to this than
• 16:38
  Speaker 3: I do because I don't assign a big value. Right.
• 16:40
  Speaker 2: Right. Like keep making me coffee, but Just know it's
• 16:44
  Speaker 2: not the thing that has me feel connected with you,
• 16:48
  Speaker 2: you know, has me feel like seen and met and
• 16:52
  Speaker 2: cared for. So yeah, it really requires, I hear you
• 16:56
  Speaker 2: saying it requires a lot of self-inquiry and, you know,
• 17:01
  Speaker 2: really looking at yourself and asking yourself and also knowing
• 17:04
  Speaker 2: that you deserve those things that have you feel loved
• 17:07
  Speaker 2: and cared for and that they're available to you and
• 17:10
  Speaker 2: that it's possible to receive them. which is, you know,
• 17:14
  Speaker 2: another piece of the emotional work that, you know, we
• 17:17
  Speaker 2: probably both do. But I think that's a really big
• 17:20
  Speaker 2: piece because, you know, often I'll ask somebody like, what
• 17:23
  Speaker 2: do you want? Do you know, do you know what
• 17:25
  Speaker 2: you want? And it's even just that question, you know,
• 17:27
  Speaker 2: maybe someone has never even been asked, you know, what
• 17:31
  Speaker 2: do you actually want? We just grow up taking from
• 17:34
  Speaker 2: the culture. We're supposed to want this. We're supposed to
• 17:36
  Speaker 2: want that. That makes us happy. You know, it's all
• 17:39
  Speaker 2: like defined by other people in a way. And so,
• 17:43
  Speaker 2: you know, just that deep work of really getting like,
• 17:46
  Speaker 2: what makes me feel seen? What makes me feel heard?
• 17:50
  Speaker 3: And then a willingness to stay curious and update it
• 17:55
  Speaker 3: throughout your life. Because if your, if your goal is
• 17:58
  Speaker 3: a long-term monogamous marriage or relationship, you've got to update,
• 18:03
  Speaker 3: like you've got to check in. And that's where I
• 18:05
  Speaker 3: see the biggest One of the biggest downfalls, Robin, is
• 18:08
  Speaker 3: when people, I mean, all the greats say this, Esther Perel, everyone,
• 18:11
  Speaker 3: you stop being curious, you're dead. You're dead in the water.
• 18:14
  Speaker 3: Because I am not the same person. I was not
• 18:18
  Speaker 3: the same person at 19 that I was at 24,
• 18:20
  Speaker 3: that I was at 22, that I was at 32.
• 18:23
  Speaker 3: And so when my first marriage ended, I think a
• 18:26
  Speaker 3: big part of my process was allowing myself at age
• 18:30
  Speaker 3: 34 to make a different call than I did at
• 18:32
  Speaker 3: 19 because I was a totally different person. And I
• 18:35
  Speaker 3: didn't know who I was at 19. And while my
• 18:38
  Speaker 3: first husband is a very good person, he did not
• 18:41
  Speaker 3: keep up with my changes and my inner world and
• 18:44
  Speaker 3: what made me tick or what made me feel loved
• 18:47
  Speaker 3: and seen and known. And he put me on cruise control,
• 18:50
  Speaker 3: which is what so many people do. It's like a
• 18:52
  Speaker 3: check of a box. Like, okay. go to school, maybe
• 18:55
  Speaker 3: go to grad school, get married, have the kids, have
• 18:57
  Speaker 3: the job. And then a lot of people in midlife
• 19:01
  Speaker 3: just laser focus on their career and they think, okay,
• 19:04
  Speaker 3: wife check, husband check, kids check, life check, and then
• 19:09
  Speaker 3: people lose each other because they don't stay connected and
• 19:12
  Speaker 3: curious and re-update. I don't want to ever feel like
• 19:16
  Speaker 3: I fully know my husband now, Mark. I hope he
• 19:18
  Speaker 3: keeps changing and evolving until he dies. I hope I
• 19:21
  Speaker 3: do too. And so I need, it's his job to
• 19:24
  Speaker 3: keep checking in with me. Hey, do you still like that? I,
• 19:26
  Speaker 3: you know, walk the dog every day or would something
• 19:29
  Speaker 3: else make you feel more cared for, you know, because
• 19:31
  Speaker 3: at different points and seasons in our life, other certain
• 19:34
  Speaker 3: things won't make us feel loved or will. I mean, certainly,
• 19:37
  Speaker 3: I mean, you talk about young kids. I mean, that's
• 19:39
  Speaker 3: a real minefield of needing to check in and say, Hey,
• 19:42
  Speaker 3: when we are in high stress, high pressure with small
• 19:45
  Speaker 3: children and jobs and whatever, like, how can you feel loved?
• 19:49
  Speaker 3: How can I feel loved? Cause this is a really,
• 19:51
  Speaker 3: that's a mission critical season where everyone feels depleted. And
• 19:56
  Speaker 3: so you've got, that's a really core season to know
• 19:59
  Speaker 3: how can we both love each other and see each
• 20:01
  Speaker 3: other in this season? Cause that's a hard one to
• 20:05
  Speaker 3: get through.
• 20:05
  Speaker 2: Yeah. That is such a hard one to get through.
• 20:08
  Speaker 3: Absolutely.
• 20:08
  Speaker 2: And I love how you said, you know, this is
• 20:10
  Speaker 2: a season and, and gosh, I was just talking to
• 20:14
  Speaker 2: a couple about that exact, exact piece. And it's hard
• 20:18
  Speaker 2: to see when you're in it. It's hard to see, well,
• 20:20
  Speaker 2: the kids are, you know, nine and 11 and when
• 20:22
  Speaker 2: they're 18 and 20, it's a completely different season. And,
• 20:26
  Speaker 2: you know, my kids are 23 and 28 and it's
• 20:29
  Speaker 2: a completely different season.
• 20:31
  Speaker 3: So yeah.
• 20:32
  Speaker 2: But, you know, when you're not there, of course, it's
• 20:34
  Speaker 2: hard to see like what's coming down the road and
• 20:36
  Speaker 2: to have the appreciation and awareness of what's happening right
• 20:40
  Speaker 2: now and know that it's going to change. And like
• 20:43
  Speaker 2: you said, we can't really put it on speed dial
• 20:45
  Speaker 2: and just let it run. It doesn't, you know, it's
• 20:48
  Speaker 2: not supportive at all. Yeah. Thank you so much. Gosh,
• 20:52
  Speaker 2: I want to bridge that because I kind of want
• 20:54
  Speaker 2: to do talk about the other piece and, you know,
• 20:56
  Speaker 2: for just for a couple of minutes here. But the
• 20:58
  Speaker 2: piece around dating, you know, and staying curious, it's like
• 21:01
  Speaker 2: and staying in that awareness, I guess, of the things
• 21:05
  Speaker 2: that you can appreciate that you're grateful for. So let's
• 21:08
  Speaker 2: make that bridge over to those struggling in the dating realm. Yeah.
• 21:13
  Speaker 3: Well, I think what I tell people who are dating
• 21:16
  Speaker 3: after divorce, I say, look, divorce is really hard. It's
• 21:22
  Speaker 3: very traumatic, even the best, most kindest ones, which mine
• 21:25
  Speaker 3: was very amicable. It's still a death. So it's very hard.
• 21:31
  Speaker 3: I do think in my opinion, the brightest silver lining
• 21:34
  Speaker 3: is getting to pick a partner again with more knowledge
• 21:37
  Speaker 3: of who you are, more wisdom, more lived experience. And
• 21:42
  Speaker 3: now you actually get to go out and date in
• 21:45
  Speaker 3: such a wise, like curated way of like, I know
• 21:51
  Speaker 3: what lights me up. I know what I need. And I,
• 21:54
  Speaker 3: first of all, I mean, you have to get everyone
• 21:55
  Speaker 3: to this place, which I'm sure is a lot of
• 21:57
  Speaker 3: your work, Robin. I don't need anyone to complete me.
• 22:01
  Speaker 3: But if I'm going to do partnership, if I'm going to,
• 22:04
  Speaker 3: it's work, you know, it's much, it's actually much harder
• 22:07
  Speaker 3: to be in partnership than to be single, you know,
• 22:09
  Speaker 3: because when you're single, you're just solving for yourself all
• 22:12
  Speaker 3: the time. You don't have to engage. There's no conflict.
• 22:14
  Speaker 3: There's no negotiation. You just do what you want. You
• 22:17
  Speaker 3: go to work and live your life, right? If you
• 22:20
  Speaker 3: don't have kids, I guess. But when you're in a partnership,
• 22:24
  Speaker 3: you know, or sorry to go back and just say,
• 22:28
  Speaker 3: you get to really, say, if I'm going to do
• 22:31
  Speaker 3: the work that it requires of me to be in
• 22:33
  Speaker 3: a partnership, which is also giving of myself, pouring out
• 22:36
  Speaker 3: of myself, I need to make sure that the things
• 22:39
  Speaker 3: that I would love in return in a partnership or
• 22:42
  Speaker 3: a marriage are going to be present because I'm not
• 22:45
  Speaker 3: ending up in a situation again, if I've already been divorced,
• 22:48
  Speaker 3: like I don't want to end up empty, sad, feeling
• 22:50
  Speaker 3: alone and unseen in a marriage. So I love getting
• 22:54
  Speaker 3: the opportunity to actually do that assessment I referenced a
• 22:56
  Speaker 3: couple of minutes ago with my dating clients because I'm like,
• 22:59
  Speaker 3: this is your rubric for dating. Here's what you say
• 23:02
  Speaker 3: are the top core values for your emotional needs, like
• 23:05
  Speaker 3: recreational play, admiration, honesty and openness, intimate conversation, like all
• 23:12
  Speaker 3: these different things. And so when people are sometimes when
• 23:15
  Speaker 3: my clients are sometimes picky, I pull them back to
• 23:18
  Speaker 3: that list. And I say, you said, these are the
• 23:20
  Speaker 3: three or four things that matter most. And so that's
• 23:23
  Speaker 3: what we're going to focus on as you're engaging with
• 23:25
  Speaker 3: people and making connections and, you know, trying on people
• 23:28
  Speaker 3: and seeing if it works. And so if there's certain
• 23:31
  Speaker 3: things that you're not lining up on, I might need
• 23:33
  Speaker 3: you to give on those because that you said that
• 23:35
  Speaker 3: those are not the most important things to you. And
• 23:37
  Speaker 3: all of us as individuals, what we value most and
• 23:40
  Speaker 3: the things that will fill our bank more easily, um,
• 23:44
  Speaker 3: with a nice connection with someone, you know, those are
• 23:48
  Speaker 3: something to think about because any two people can be
• 23:51
  Speaker 3: together truly like any two people. It's just, it's just
• 23:53
  Speaker 3: easier if you're potentially aligned on what you both value or,
• 23:57
  Speaker 3: or are able to fill each other's banks in ways
• 24:00
  Speaker 3: that are a bit more natural because there's so many
• 24:02
  Speaker 3: people who are married to people who have like complete
• 24:05
  Speaker 3: opposite love languages. And it's just more of a challenge. Yeah.
• 24:09
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 24:10
  Speaker 3: Yeah, thank you.
• 24:11
  Speaker 2: Gosh, I love that you just said that any two
• 24:13
  Speaker 2: people can be together.
• 24:14
  Speaker 3: My mind is.
• 24:15
  Speaker 2: Going all over the place thinking about that.
• 24:19
  Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah. So you're dating later in life, which is
• 24:23
  Speaker 3: most of my clients. So it's either like people who
• 24:25
  Speaker 3: have never been married, like let's say over 35 or
• 24:28
  Speaker 3: people dating after divorce or widows. I'm like, this is
• 24:32
  Speaker 3: actually incredible because you're at a stage of life where
• 24:34
  Speaker 3: most people 35 and up, like have just such a
• 24:37
  Speaker 3: better idea of who they are. Their brain is fully formed.
• 24:40
  Speaker 3: Like they kind of, you know, they've lived enough life
• 24:42
  Speaker 3: to know what makes them tick and what they would
• 24:44
  Speaker 3: enjoy in a partnership. So you can date in such
• 24:48
  Speaker 3: a more intelligent way and being really thoughtful. But always
• 24:54
  Speaker 3: with that, you know, knowledge of you've got to be
• 24:56
  Speaker 3: good on your own first. And I, you know, I
• 24:58
  Speaker 3: can't have anyone out here dating, thinking that this person,
• 25:01
  Speaker 3: the other person I'm going to find is a solution
• 25:04
  Speaker 3: or a savior or a bank account or something like that,
• 25:06
  Speaker 3: because that's, that doesn't work.
• 25:09
  Speaker 2: Yeah, no, exactly.
• 25:10
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 25:11
  Speaker 2: Thank you so much. I hope that that gives inspiration
• 25:14
  Speaker 2: to all of our listeners today, actually, those that are
• 25:17
  Speaker 2: partnered and just needing a boost or clarity on, you know,
• 25:21
  Speaker 2: whether to stay or go. And also those that are
• 25:23
  Speaker 2: out there dating and, you know, we know how challenging
• 25:28
  Speaker 2: that can be. And yeah, you've given some really, really
• 25:32
  Speaker 2: good tools. And we're just about to close the show
• 25:34
  Speaker 2: for today. But I want to remind people of that
• 25:36
  Speaker 2: tool around looking at your needs and what your emotional
• 25:40
  Speaker 2: needs are. And I know you gave a book and,
• 25:43
  Speaker 2: you know, reference, but of course they should come work
• 25:45
  Speaker 2: with you in order to do that work. And you
• 25:47
  Speaker 2: can find more about Anna in the show notes. So
• 25:49
  Speaker 2: please do take a look to get in touch with her.
• 25:53
  Speaker 2: Thank you so much for being here.
• 25:55
  Speaker 3: Awesome. Thank you, Robin. I really appreciate your time. This
• 25:58
  Speaker 3: has been a lot of fun. Thank you.
• 25:59
  Speaker 2: Yeah, you're so welcome. So shout out to everybody. This
• 26:02
  Speaker 2: has come back to love. We are on KMET radio.
• 26:05
  Speaker 2: I'm Robin Vogel. I invite you to be gentle with
• 26:08
  Speaker 2: yourself and remember that love is possible. And we will
• 26:11
  Speaker 2: see you next week. Hi, this is Robin Vogel, host
• 26:15
  Speaker 2: of Come Back to Love. If you are ready to
• 26:17
  Speaker 2: heal the past and open your heart to love again,
• 26:20
  Speaker 2: I want to talk with you. Book a free 30-minute
• 26:22
  Speaker 2: private conversation with me at ComeBackToLove.com. I'll meet you where
• 26:26
  Speaker 2: you are and give you real tools you can use
• 26:29
  Speaker 2: right now. Because love isn't just possible for you. It's
• 26:32
  Speaker 2: waiting for you. Go to ComeBackToLove.com and book your free
• 26:36
  Speaker 2: 30 minutes today.
• 26:44
  Speaker 1: You've been listening to Come Back to Love with Robin Vogel,
• 26:48
  Speaker 1: a transformative program that covers an endless array of topics
• 26:51
  Speaker 1: related to relationships, love, and intimacy, along with all the
• 26:55
  Speaker 1: reasons you may be keeping love at a distance. Tune
• 26:58
  Speaker 1: in each week as Robin gives you practical tools that
• 27:00
  Speaker 1: can be used to heal the past and help you
• 27:03
  Speaker 1: to safely love again. Join Robin again next week at
• 27:05
  Speaker 1: the same time for Come Back to Love.