Latest / Stuck No More Voices / 328-Cheryl Killilea: the Depths of Divorce to a Roadmap for 6,100 Women

Transcript

328-Cheryl Killilea: the Depths of Divorce to a Roadmap for 6,100 Women · Stuck No More Voices

• 0:00
  theresa: So welcome back to the Stuck No More Voices Podcast.
• 0:03
  theresa: I'm Theresa Croft.
• 0:04
  theresa: I'm a visibility strategist who helps women go from their calling to their story to a message for their ideal audience.
• 0:13
  theresa: Before we get started, do two things for me.
• 0:15
  theresa: Subscribe on YouTube and share this podcast with someone you know who's going to need it.
• 0:21
  theresa: So before we get started, I wanted to say that we have a very special guest.
• 0:26
  theresa: This episode is, uh, one I think you're gonna lean in.
• 0:30
  theresa: So the Calling Table Session, it's really where I handle someone's story with care.
• 0:38
  theresa: So today at the table is Cheryl Killily.
• 0:42
  theresa: Uh, how do you say your last name?
• 0:44
  cheryl: Killily.
• 0:44
  theresa: Killily.
• 0:45
  theresa: She's a divorce and identity coach who helps women over 40 navigate the emotional aftermath of divorce, rebuild trust in herself, and really create a life she genuinely is excited to live.
• 0:58
  theresa: Your story has so many assets to it, Cheryl, but something happened in You wanna go back.
• 1:05
  theresa: Let's, let's go back.
• 1:06
  theresa: Uh, something happened in 2022, but you have a story before that devastating moment.
• 1:12
  cheryl: Yeah, yeah.
• 1:14
  cheryl: Yeah, so if we take it back to 2019, um, I had been married, um, at that time for almost 18 years.
• 1:22
  cheryl: And, um, I will just preface to say that I did not grow up in a, um, Christian or any type of religious environment.
• 1:31
  theresa: Okay.
• 1:31
  cheryl: Um, and I often sort of I wanted to love God,'cause I heard people talking about God and all the good things he did, but I had just some anger towards him based on- Mm kind of growing up in a pretty traumatic childhood, and felt like, you know, maybe, like, if there was a real god, like why did he allow those things to happen?
• 1:48
  cheryl: And so I never wasn't quite sure about if I could trust him.
• 1:51
  cheryl: And so, um, but then my husband and I at the time, we went to a worship service at our church, at a church in Wisconsin, and I was compelled.
• 2:01
  cheryl: Like- Mm Holy Spirit grabbed ahold of me and literally walked me on stage to be baptized in this hot tub on stage at the end of September.
• 2:11
  cheryl: It's cold outside- in Wisconsin.
• 2:13
  cheryl: Oh my gosh.
• 2:13
  cheryl: I don't have other clothes- Oh'cause I didn't prepare for that.
• 2:16
  theresa: That's so
• 2:16
  cheryl: cool.
• 2:16
  cheryl: But something in me said, and this was I had never been baptized before, said that I needed to be baptized that night.
• 2:23
  theresa: Yeah.
• 2:25
  cheryl: And I thought, I remember leaving there thinking,"Oh my gosh, this was God's calling." He, and my marriage was a little bit on the rocks, I will say that.
• 2:33
  theresa: Okay.
• 2:33
  cheryl: Um, but I thought that this was- Sure God showing me that he- Yeah was going to, um, restore our marriage, that, that, that it was gonna be He was gonna repair it and restore it, and we were gonna get back on track and, and- you know, have this beautiful life in him.
• 2:47
  cheryl: Uh, unfortunately, that did not happen.
• 2:51
  cheryl: Um, we fast-forward a little bit to 2020- Yeah and not only are we under a global pandemic, but my husband of 18 years asks me for a divorce.
• 3:00
  theresa: Hmm.
• 3:02
  cheryl: And I got pretty angry at God.
• 3:05
  theresa: Sure.
• 3:05
  cheryl: I didn't understand.
• 3:07
  cheryl: You did.
• 3:07
  cheryl: I thought, I thought that He was supposed to save my marriage.
• 3:11
  theresa: Yeah.
• 3:13
  cheryl: But as I started to look back on the baptism and then what happened, I realized God knew that I was going to need Him during- Mm this season, more than I had ever needed Him before.
• 3:24
  cheryl: And that's why the Holy Spirit drew me to being baptized.
• 3:28
  theresa: Yeah.
• 3:28
  cheryl: Because the divorce wasn't necessarily the hardest piece of it.
• 3:31
  cheryl: As I navigated that, I also ended up sending my son, uh, to college- Ooh a thousand miles away.
• 3:39
  theresa: Ooh.
• 3:39
  cheryl: So I became an empty nester, uh, for the first time at age 50.
• 3:43
  cheryl: I had never lived alone.
• 3:44
  cheryl: And that was just a new- That's ooh it was just a new experience-
• 3:48
  theresa: No kidding I
• 3:49
  cheryl: didn't have.
• 3:50
  theresa: Yeah.
• 3:51
  cheryl: I also, um, God called me to move to St.
• 3:55
  cheryl: Louis.
• 3:55
  theresa: Okay.
• 3:56
  cheryl: And, uh, my daughter lives in St.
• 3:58
  cheryl: Louis, and I, I kind of resisted that, uh, calling.
• 4:02
  theresa: Okay.
• 4:02
  theresa: I
• 4:02
  cheryl: wasn't I didn't, I didn't wanna move here because I didn't, I didn't know anybody.
• 4:06
  cheryl: And my life had been in Wisconsin, and that's where it was safe and comfortable- Yeah so I thought, right?
• 4:12
  cheryl: Um, but, you know, God wins when we try to battle that.
• 4:14
  cheryl: He ultimately wins- Yeah and knows best, as our Father.
• 4:17
  cheryl: And so I obeyed, and I moved to St.
• 4:20
  cheryl: Louis.
• 4:20
  cheryl: And, um, but that also meant closing a business that I had.
• 4:24
  cheryl: Wow.
• 4:24
  cheryl: Yeah.
• 4:24
  cheryl: I had a personal training, uh, studio that I loved, and it was truly my baby.
• 4:29
  theresa: Yeah.
• 4:30
  cheryl: Um, but I closed that down to relocate, uh, to St.
• 4:33
  cheryl: Louis because that's really the plan God had for me.
• 4:36
  theresa: Yeah.
• 4:37
  theresa: And out of that obedience- You started to get your feet on the ground, started to find success.
• 4:43
  theresa: Tell us through that story.
• 4:45
  cheryl: Yeah, yeah.
• 4:46
  cheryl: So I won't ever say any of this is easy.
• 4:49
  theresa: Oh.
• 4:49
  cheryl: But I think that's where we always go back to God and, right- Mm-hmm and trusting in him and asking him what is the next right step, and that's- Yeah that's really what I tried to do.
• 4:58
  cheryl: And so, um, I'm still doing some personal training and- Uh-huh today.
• 5:03
  cheryl: Um, I still do that.
• 5:04
  cheryl: Yeah.
• 5:04
  cheryl: But God led me to, um, doing some work with divorced women and-
• 5:09
  theresa: Wow
• 5:09
  cheryl: a program, uh, that's online.
• 5:12
  cheryl: Uh, I have an online community as well, a Facebook community of close to 6,100 women, um, which is- Wonderful amazing to me and, and so humbling.
• 5:22
  cheryl: Um- Yeah but I, I do give that glory to God because He's been the one when it gets tough because, you know, I hear some really tough stories, and sometimes that's triggering for me.
• 5:32
  theresa: Sure.
• 5:32
  theresa: It,
• 5:32
  cheryl: it brings up a lot of emotions from my own divorce and, and my marriage.
• 5:37
  cheryl: Um, and I wanna be done with it and throw in the towel, and then somehow God shows me something that I need- Yeah in that moment to
• 5:46
  theresa: be like- How'd you walk, how'd you walk through some of those steps?
• 5:51
  cheryl: Yeah.
• 5:51
  cheryl: Um, uh, journaling and prayer
• 5:54
  theresa: Mm, very good
• 5:55
  cheryl: Yeah.
• 5:55
  cheryl: Journaling has been a big one for me, and it's really interesting, Theresa, because I can go back into my journals back in 2020 when I was in the depths of it-
• 6:04
  theresa: Yeah
• 6:04
  cheryl: and I literally wrote in there,"God, is, is this plan gonna- Mm allow me to help women in the future?
• 6:12
  cheryl: Is that why this is happening?"
• 6:14
  theresa: Yes.
• 6:14
  cheryl: Yeah.
• 6:14
  cheryl: "Help me understand this."
• 6:16
  theresa: Yeah.
• 6:16
  cheryl: And so it's really That's one of the reasons I love journaling, is because we can go back and we can, number one, see how far we've came, right?
• 6:25
  cheryl: Yeah,
• 6:26
  theresa: yeah.
• 6:26
  cheryl: And
• 6:27
  theresa: then- That's good
• 6:27
  cheryl: just see where God has shown up.
• 6:29
  cheryl: I have so many Bible verses.
• 6:31
  cheryl: I h- I have a, a tattoo, an anchor tattoo on my- Yeah arm for Hebrews, an anchor in the Lord- Yeah because I just, I needed that reminder to anchor in him- Yeah when times got tough.
• 6:42
  cheryl: Um, I would also say that part of my practice, not just as a personal trainer, but it's just getting outside.
• 6:48
  cheryl: Yeah.
• 6:48
  cheryl: Uh-huh.
• 6:48
  cheryl: Um, it's really, I call it, you know, my, my therapy.
• 6:51
  cheryl: Sure.
• 6:51
  cheryl: I call it my church a lot of times.
• 6:53
  cheryl: Sure.
• 6:54
  cheryl: It's just my time that I spend with God, and there's- Yeah no other distractions, right?
• 6:59
  cheryl: Yeah.
• 6:59
  cheryl: You, you know, I can put my phone away.
• 7:01
  cheryl: There's no TV.
• 7:02
  cheryl: There's-
• 7:03
  theresa: Yeah
• 7:03
  cheryl: there's just me and God, and that's just, there's something beautiful about that.
• 7:06
  theresa: Yeah.
• 7:06
  theresa: I appreciate that you said about the journaling aspect, because I know that was a key for me to get through my situation.
• 7:15
  theresa: And what I learned is, how do you win the fight?
• 7:19
  theresa: You create the way God creates.
• 7:22
  theresa: Mm.
• 7:22
  theresa: So I see you creating the way God creates and helping, speaking to these women and, and caring for yourself, you know, outdoors.
• 7:31
  theresa: So, uh, y- you started, when did you start really reaching out to these women and having something to help them walk through the steps?
• 7:39
  theresa: I imagine you had to go through your own healing first, right?
• 7:42
  cheryl: Yeah, yeah, most definitely.
• 7:44
  cheryl: Um, you know, I, I went through therapy.
• 7:46
  cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 7:46
  cheryl: I did a life coaching program, and that was really, um-
• 7:50
  theresa: So good
• 7:51
  cheryl: found that I was stuck in my own, um, thoughts a lot.
• 7:54
  cheryl: Yeah.
• 7:54
  cheryl: And I think the life coaching program really just taught me then what I needed to, to, to work with and help the ladies, right?
• 8:01
  cheryl: Sure.
• 8:02
  cheryl: So I had to go through my own, my own journey, and I created my program.
• 8:06
  cheryl: It's been a little over two years ago now.
• 8:09
  cheryl: Good.
• 8:09
  cheryl: And I've revised it and done some different things.
• 8:11
  cheryl: Uh-huh.
• 8:11
  cheryl: I've taken, uh, 44 women through my program to date.
• 8:15
  cheryl: Nice.
• 8:16
  theresa: Nice.
• 8:16
  cheryl: Um, we have another group that'll kick off later this fall, which-
• 8:20
  theresa: Wow
• 8:20
  cheryl: I love the fall program because- Yeah um, we, I take them through the holidays.
• 8:25
  cheryl: Yeah.
• 8:25
  cheryl: And I think for so many women, whether it's your first holidays divorced or it's your fifth, I think they still can be difficult because- Yeah we've got the Hallmark movies and the Christmas cards- Yeah and, you know, the shopping and just all the pressure that the holidays bring us.
• 8:43
  theresa: Yeah.
• 8:43
  cheryl: And then when you're not coupled up or your family just looks different-
• 8:47
  theresa: Yeah
• 8:47
  cheryl: sometimes that's just really hard to navigate, and you want some extra support.
• 8:50
  theresa: Yeah.
• 8:51
  theresa: Once again, I gotta point out you took care of yourself first.
• 8:56
  theresa: Absolutely.
• 8:56
  theresa: You didn't rush ahead, and I think that's so important because you can still have all these dreams, and then you go through something devastating.
• 9:04
  theresa: And then you're, you might be operating from your woundedness, but I h- Absolutely I hear you go through the life coaching and get a, focus on you.
• 9:13
  theresa: And the key is you get to speak from your scars and not your wounds,'cause wounds are messy.
• 9:19
  theresa: Absolutely.
• 9:19
  theresa: Yes.
• 9:19
  theresa: So you, you sound like a woman that knows how to speak from her scars.
• 9:23
  theresa: And, uh, so that's just beautiful.
• 9:26
  theresa: And another thing I keep hearing is- relationship.
• 9:29
  theresa: You talk about how God talks to you.
• 9:31
  cheryl: Mm.
• 9:32
  theresa: I mean, it sounds so basic, but share how that intimacy with God really was what kept you going.
• 9:38
  cheryl: Yeah.
• 9:39
  cheryl: I, um, I think I will always say that without my relationship with the Lord, I'm, I'm I don't know what it would've looked like getting to this point.
• 9:48
  cheryl: Yeah.
• 9:48
  cheryl: Because there were truly many days that I did not want to get out of bed and function, and even today- Understood um, we still have challenges, right?
• 9:58
  cheryl: Yeah.
• 9:58
  cheryl: And something that I started doing recently within the last couple of months, um, that I had done before and then I kind of stopped is when I wake up in the morning, especially if I don't want to get up, is just asking,"Okay, God, who do I need to serve today?"
• 10:11
  theresa: Wow.
• 10:11
  cheryl: Who needs my talents?
• 10:12
  cheryl: Who needs my gifts?"
• 10:13
  theresa: Yes.
• 10:14
  cheryl: Tell me- Who needs my voice tell me where I need to go.
• 10:16
  theresa: Yeah.
• 10:16
  theresa: Right, right.
• 10:16
  theresa: Who needs your voice.
• 10:17
  theresa: That's beautiful.
• 10:18
  theresa: Right.
• 10:18
  theresa: Someone needs to take that.
• 10:20
  theresa: So, um, I got to say that I am so excited to see you be bold and share online.
• 10:27
  theresa: So was that a journey to get to that point where you knew you had a message and you went to Instagram, you went to Facebook?
• 10:34
  theresa: What was that journey?
• 10:35
  theresa: 'Cause I'm so I'm not I don't think you have to be online, but I do think you got to take advantage of the tools that we have.
• 10:41
  theresa: So what was that like- Yeah when you decided to go online?
• 10:45
  cheryl: Yeah, yeah.
• 10:46
  cheryl: So it's, it's been a journey for sure.
• 10:48
  cheryl: You know, I think when I first started getting online, I thought that I had to have my hair all done and makeup, and I had to have this perfect speech, and I needed to talk from that I've got this certification, that I've done this course, and, and all of my credentials.
• 11:01
  cheryl: And what I actually found is my women like it when I show up and I'm real, and I'm raw- Yes and I'm vulnerable, and I've showed up in tears before.
• 11:10
  theresa: Yes.
• 11:10
  cheryl: Because I never want them to think that I'm coming from this place that I'm healed,'cause I don't know that you ever get to that place- Yeah of being fully healed, whatever that means.
• 11:20
  cheryl: And so I want them to know that I, they un- that I understand, that m- my story might be different than theirs- Yeah but I've walked a similar pain, and I want them to know that.
• 11:30
  cheryl: I don't want them- Yeah to think that I've got it all figured out, um-
• 11:34
  theresa: If you thought- Because
• 11:35
  cheryl: I don't
• 11:35
  theresa: if you thought you had it all figured out and you had all these programs and you were telling them about the programs, th- they would just tune you out.
• 11:44
  theresa: But because you share your story, you connect with the person you once were.
• 11:49
  cheryl: Yeah, absolutely.
• 11:51
  theresa: Yeah.
• 11:51
  cheryl: Absolutely.
• 11:51
  theresa: T- tell us about this Facebook group and how that became so big.
• 11:56
  cheryl: Yeah, yeah.
• 11:57
  cheryl: So I started the Facebook group, uh, it was two years ago July.
• 12:00
  cheryl: And, you know, I invited some friends, and I just thought,"Okay, well, let's just see." Uh, and, and it...
• 12:05
  cheryl: So here's why I started that group, Theresa, because there's a lot of Facebook groups out there, and I'm not picking on them- Right for divorce, but one of the things that I noticed in those groups as I joined them when I first was going through things, is they, they just wanted to stay and complain about the ex.
• 12:19
  cheryl: Oh.
• 12:20
  cheryl: Right?
• 12:20
  cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 12:20
  cheryl: This, my, my ex-husband did this, and did this, and I just...
• 12:23
  cheryl: Uh, there's a certain point that you have to move yourself away from that and- Yes if you really want to rebuild your life.
• 12:29
  cheryl: And so I thought, you know what?
• 12:30
  cheryl: I didn't find anything like that on Facebook, so I'm gonna create this group that women can come and share, but then I want them to take accountability and take action and tell me how they're gonna change that.
• 12:40
  cheryl: Yeah.
• 12:40
  cheryl: What they're gonna do to move their life forward.
• 12:42
  cheryl: And so I started it, and then it just kept growing and growing, and now, you know, 6,100 women later- It's wonderful.
• 12:50
  theresa: Yeah,
• 12:50
  cheryl: yeah um, just an, an amazing community that is there.
• 12:53
  cheryl: If you, if someone posts in the group, people are, you know, they're, they're showing up for her, they're supporting her, they're- That's so good encouraging her.
• 12:59
  cheryl: Um, and I think that that's just what makes our group a little bit different than some of the others- Yeah out there, is that we really stay focused on bettering ourselves, right?
• 13:09
  cheryl: Yeah.
• 13:10
  cheryl: It's, it's very sad and unfortunate what happened.
• 13:12
  cheryl: Yeah.
• 13:12
  cheryl: But how can we take that- Yeah and move forward?
• 13:15
  theresa: Is it from that group that you get women who wanna go deeper with you with...
• 13:20
  theresa: Is that kinda where-
• 13:22
  cheryl: Yes, yes how that
• 13:23
  theresa: works?
• 13:23
  cheryl: Yes.
• 13:24
  cheryl: So I have a, a 16-week program that's called The Divorce Recovery Roadmap.
• 13:28
  theresa: Okay.
• 13:28
  cheryl: And the program basically encompasses what I used to get myself through- Mm m- m- the divorce journey and- Mm what I would say come out on the other side.
• 13:37
  cheryl: And so- Yeah I have a framework that's called ACT.
• 13:40
  cheryl: It's very simple.
• 13:41
  theresa: Okay.
• 13:42
  cheryl: It's Acknowledge, Choose Today.
• 13:44
  cheryl: Wow.
• 13:44
  cheryl: So we, we acknowledge where we're at.
• 13:47
  cheryl: We, we stop saying that I'm fine when I'm not fine, right?
• 13:50
  cheryl: Wow.
• 13:50
  cheryl: We admit.
• 13:51
  theresa: Yeah.
• 13:52
  cheryl: We choose.
• 13:53
  cheryl: We choose who we're gonna become.
• 13:54
  cheryl: Wow.
• 13:54
  cheryl: Right?
• 13:55
  cheryl: We get to decide with God who this next chapter is about and who the woman i- that we're gonna become.
• 14:02
  cheryl: And then it's today.
• 14:03
  cheryl: You know, a lot of women think, uh, they need this, like, five-year plan.
• 14:08
  cheryl: Uh, I need to know exactly what's gonna happen.
• 14:11
  cheryl: No, you don't.
• 14:12
  cheryl: Uh, you just need to be faithful today and take the next right step forward, and maybe it's asking God,"What is the next step forward?"'cause I don't know.
• 14:21
  theresa: Yeah.
• 14:21
  cheryl: And allow yourself to listen-
• 14:23
  theresa: Wow
• 14:23
  cheryl: and hear His words, and He will take you forward.
• 14:26
  theresa: Well, I think that's a lot of women, that's, that's what they need, so I'm so glad.
• 14:31
  theresa: So I so appreciate you being here, Cheryl.
• 14:34
  theresa: And listen, if her story moved you, do two things.
• 14:38
  theresa: Follow her.
• 14:39
  theresa: I'll give you the the handles down below.
• 14:42
  theresa: Find her on Instagram, find her on Facebook, find her group, and share this w- episode with the woman who came to mind while you were listening.
• 14:51
  theresa: Some stories are not for scrolling past.
• 14:55
  theresa: So, uh, I'm so glad you could join us for this special session of the Stuck No More Voices podcast, a feature to feature you and your stories.
• 15:04
  theresa: I'll talk to you in the next episode.
• 15:06
  theresa: I'm Theresa Croft.