Latest / System Speak: Complex Trauma and Dissociation / San Francisco

Transcript

San Francisco · System Speak: Complex Trauma and Dissociation

• 0:08
  Speaker 1: Over:
• 0:11
  Speaker 2: Welcome to the System Speak Podcast, a podcast about Dissociative Identity Disorder. If you are new to the podcast, we recommend starting at the beginning episodes and listen in order to hear our story and what we have learned through this endeavor. Current episodes may be more applicable to longtime listeners and are likely to contain more advanced topics, emotional or other triggering content, and or reference earlier episodes that provide more context to what we are currently learning and experiencing. As always, please care for yourself during and after listening to the podcast. Thank you.
• 1:05
  Speaker 1: I don't know if you guys can hear all that, but we're in a hotel in the city, and it's California. So there's no air conditioning, and the windows are open because that's how it works here. And I have giant shutters like we had in France. And my hotel room has yellow doors. The sink is on top of the toilet, and the shower door doesn't close.
• 1:34
  It's all fine. It's all fine. We don't have to be spoiled American. We're fine. No.
• 1:42
  Here's the thing. We have to be here all week because we're here for pre conference in San Francisco for the ISSTD, but the hotel where the conference is at for that many days was almost $3,000 and so that was not happening. We could not do it. And by the time we found out we had to go or could go or should go, it was already past the discount time for the hotel rooms. Now at the last minute, everything could have changed because so many people had to cancel their travel plans.
• 2:18
  I'm sure they had rooms available, but still no longer at the discounted rate. And so we could not pay $3,000 to stay in a hotel for a week. There's just no way. So we're in a I I I don't know. It's like a hotel somewhere between a hotel and a hostel, and it's amazing.
• 2:43
  And I have green walls that say in big, bright, white, and yellow letters, be good. It's amazing. So I'm in a hotel that's about two, three city blocks, so about, I don't know, as far as we walk to the park. So it's a good hike, but it's close enough we can walk to the conference so we aren't having to spend any money on Uber or any transportation or expose ourselves because of the coronavirus. You know, we'll talk about that later.
• 3:18
  And so all we had to do was pay for our transportation from the airport to the hotel and back to the airport. We packed our food. There's two times we are being fed by the ISSTD, so that's a bonus and will help with just eating soup. Except we have to eat our soup cold because there's no microwave in the room. And usually usually, we have a microwave, and so eating soup is not a big deal.
• 3:47
  So we're having cold soup this week, but that's okay. We're camping out. It's cool. Everything's fine. It's an adventure.
• 3:55
  We have what we need. And really, the scariest part is actually seeing these people. Right? So let me back up and tell you about our trip here because, obviously, the coronavirus is a big deal regardless of your politics, which America has done a terrible job of making it about politics. And that just hurts my heart because regardless of how you vote, like, we should take care of people and be kind to each other.
• 4:21
  So the divisive spirit that is just out there and just making people ugly at each other, it's just really unpleasant. But regardless of your politics, it's obviously a big deal. Now I saw online there are tons of organizations and events and even sports teams and schools and colleges and all kinds of things are closing to try to help stop the spread of the virus. And that is an absolutely good and wonderful thing, And I understand that part of that prevention is not just keeping people from being sick, but also bringing the numbers of sick people down enough that we don't pass hospital capacity. And so I get why that's so important.
• 5:11
  And the people who have not come to ISSTD were wise and good and made the right choices for them. People who work with populations that don't have access to good health care, people who work with elderly populations, or who themselves are compromised in some way, that is super, super important. And so they absolutely did. And we thought very very carefully about whether to come or not. We did not take our decision lightly at all.
• 5:44
  And we have complete and full respect for the people who decided they could not come. For us, we decided to go ahead and come for several reasons. One, California is already a hotbed of nastiness. I don't mean that with any offense to California. Why does this stuff come out of my mouth?
• 6:07
  What I mean is, like, the virus is already here, and so it wasn't like I was going to bring it here from home is what I meant. I mean, first of all, we don't have it yet. But so that was my number one concern. Coming here, I don't wanna bring it here, but it's already here. And number two, the week that we had to make a decision one way or another, it actually already showed up in our county.
• 6:32
  So now it's also at home. So we're not gonna be bringing it home, so to speak, because it's already in Kansas, and that's already been announced. And so I can't do anything about that. So I won't just be bringing it to where it would not be. So since it's already at home, it's not like I would be transporting it back where it would where it's not.
• 6:56
  Right? And so that was our initial like, the first layer of, are we gonna do any harm by showing up? Next piece that is obviously most concerning is our daughter. So what they say, the research the latest research that's coming out is that it's pretty mild for children and that most children who get it, you almost don't even notice they have it. And for most adults, it's uncomfortable and unpleasant and maybe like having taco sauce on your lungs.
• 7:31
  Like, it's it's bad, they say. But most adults get through it okay like other viruses. And so not that I wanna get it and not that I'm at all minimizing what it's like to have it, but just considering the level of risk to my own children or my own family. But here's the thing, when we get back, like the day that we get back, our children start spring break. And the week after that, our children go to the husband's parents' house because his mother's had surgery a few weeks ago, and and she's finally coming home from the hospital.
• 8:13
  And what you need when you're coming home from the hospital is six children running around. And so he's going to, quote, quote, help and take care of her. And so there's actually going to be a two week period after I get home when we can isolate and self quarantine and make sure we don't expose anyone, even the kids, they can just go to the grandparents early, or I can go somewhere else. Or I could go to the cabin. Like, we're gonna figure out a plan, but where I can actually self quarantine and make sure I'm not coming in contact with anyone in my family or anyone else for that matter.
• 8:52
  But getting myself home and we already work online as long as there's still an economy for people to pay for therapy. Oh, it's hard. But anyway, so our job is already on the computer, and we're already gonna be separated from our family when we get home. And so for those reasons, we felt that it was at least safe as far as not causing harm for us to be able to get here and get home besides other precautions we could take to try to not get sick anyway. But even just being exposed, we obviously, the most important thing is our our children and especially our daughter who is already has a compromised airway.
• 9:38
  But because we're going to easily be able to self quarantine when we get home, we felt it was okay as far as not causing harm to be able to come out to the conference. For other people, it is not a safe thing to do, and so I fully respect that some people were not able to come to the conference. And I understand that some people are just impacted by actual restrictions or laws or presidential orders or different things in different countries, and so there's that. The other piece is that we feel like what we're doing is really, really important. Not that we're so special or awesome.
• 10:19
  Well, I am. But no. I'm kidding. No. What we're doing is really, really important.
• 10:24
  The pleural positivity survey needs to get out there and needs to be shared. And survivors need representation at the ISSTD. And the ISSTD has been so wonderful and so kind and so gracious in accepting us and welcoming us, it is that important for us to foster those relationships professionally and as part of survivor community. And so in weighing the risk and the benefits and what would cause harm or not cause harm, it would actually in our specific context because of the safety of being able to self quarantine after the trip just in case, it felt more important and worth it even if we did get sick to be here and to show up and to represent than to not come. And because we get your emails about the impact of the podcast on your experience with DID or your experience in treating DID, it was more important that we be here than we miss it.
• 11:33
  So for us in our context, both personally professionally, we ultimately made the decision to go ahead and come. The other thing that made it easier, not without risk, but easier to make that decision for ourselves is that we already are under all of those same precautions. We already have to wear a face mask often, and we already have to wear gloves when we're out in public in other situations and we already have to sanitize and not touch our face. Like all the precautions they're giving for the coronavirus, our family already has to do because of our daughter. So we already use sanitizer a lot and we already I mean, obviously, we wash our hands.
• 12:19
  Wash our hands, people. And all of the directions and precautions they're giving, we're already doing that. And not only will I be able to self quarantine for two weeks even from my family after I get home but after my family comes home two weeks after after those two weeks when my family comes back home and I can meet them at the house and be back home then we go under quarantine as a family for three weeks before our daughter has surgery. So we still will not be out in the community for three weeks after that and our family who will then be exposed to us will have two more weeks of additional quarantine with that. So because of those reasons, we felt that even though it was still a risk for us to get sick, it was worth it for us to come.
• 13:17
  I hope that that makes sense and I hope that you understand that as specific to our context, at all judging other people's situations and not at all minimizing what a brutal virus it is or how awful it feels when you do get sick with it. I'm not at all trying to downplay the seriousness of the virus, just explaining our context and why we felt it was okay for us to travel at this time. That doesn't mean we won't get sick and it doesn't mean that we made the right decision. We just seriously, that was our thought process and we did the very best we could with the information we had. As part of that, there are other precautions that we've taken as well.
• 14:03
  So on the plane, we wore gloves with our Katniss sleeves. So, like, you know, the thumb holes on the long sleeve shirts ever since Hunger Games. Right? So we wore that kind of shirt to make sure that our gloves were covered up to help kind of make sure there were no gaps there, and we made sure not to touch anything. So even on, like, escalators, for example, we held on with our elbow instead of our hand and we did not buy food in the airport.
• 14:35
  We did not we did the whole don't touch your face thing. We changed our gloves after every time we went to the restroom and washed our restroom and washed our hands and sanitized again and all of that. So we did the best we could in that context. We also brought Clorox wipes and Lysol so that once we got into our hotel room, before we did anything else, we the room and wiped down our luggage with Clorox wipes and changed our clothes and showered so that anything that was on us from traveling, we would not have brought here to this community even though it's already here. But just trying to be extra careful and before we gathered with anyone from the conference, just trying to be extra careful both for ourselves and for respect of other people that we did our best to be really careful and at least consciously and intentionally doing our best to keep ourselves from getting sick and to not make other people sick even by accident.
• 15:39
  So we really did all the things within our power that we are able to do. And then as far as self care this week, we're making sure that we're drinking a lot of liquids. We have some herbal supplements that we're putting in our water. We have peppermint tea, which is the hot water. We don't drink tea, actually, but just hot water with peppermint in it because the virus does not like heat.
• 16:05
  And so our doctor told us to drink hot water every so often to just keep our throat clean. And we're drinking Gatorade and have backup Gatorade just in case we do get sick and are stuck in our hotel room, and we're taking our normal vitamins and things. So we are not, like, OCD people. Like, this system is not an OCD system. That's how anxiety shows up for some people.
• 16:33
  And in this case, maybe it's just being very careful, but we know a lot about how to disinfect because of our years of working in the hospitals and because of our years with our daughter. And so so I get that none of that is a guarantee against the virus, but we didn't come here foolishly, and we didn't come here carelessly. That's all I'm trying to say. We're not gonna spend the whole week freaking out about the virus. We'll make sure that we're doing our best to take care of ourselves, and we'll make sure we're doing our best to care for the people around us.
• 17:06
  But the biggest point of all that I wanna communicate about this is that the whole point of healing is to not live from fear, and the whole point of healing is to not let fear stop us. And so because we had appropriate precautions in place to be able to make the trip, and because we know how to do our best to care for ourselves while we're here, even if that doesn't stop us from getting sick. Like, if none of that is magic, none of that is, like, a cure all, but doing the things that we can do best to take care of ourselves and not cause harm to others, within that context, I'm not going to allow fear to take root even if we did get sick because that's the same thing about why we worked so hard on taking pictures so that we could come and get this silly award. And the award for us feels like a big deal for all kinds of reasons that we'll talk about later. And it's so kind and gracious of the ISSTD to recognize the podcast in that way.
• 18:17
  And we're so grateful it's helping anyone because sometimes it just feels like we just get on here and cry on the air. And I don't even know if it's always coherent. But what this means, this trip, the award, this whole experience is so much bigger than just the award itself. Although we're so grateful for the podcast being recognized and supported in that way. But really, the overall picture is the undoing of the control that fear can have over our lives.
• 18:54
  So yes, follow whatever directions you're given from your government or from health care or whoever you're listening to. And yes, be wise and cautious. And yes, follow good hand hygiene, which you should be doing anyway. I just wanna say. But whether it's the coronavirus or whether it's getting your picture taken with an award or whether it's anything else, don't stop living because of fear.
• 19:23
  You can adapt what your living looks like. You can live wisely, and you can decide the pacing of how you're ready and when you're ready for different changes in your life, the way we did exposures leading up to getting our picture taken with the award. But don't let fear stop you. So I'm not just on here to talk about the coronavirus and obviously no medical expert. I'm not giving advice about that other than follow the directions that health care people give you like stay hydrated and wash your hands.
• 20:00
  And we may still very well get sick. But one thing that lots of people are talking about that we wanted to address was number one, why we decided to come, why other people decided not to, and so we feel like we've talked about that. But then also how you can tell the difference between just high risk behavior that's foolish or even unsafe and what is and what is being brave and courageous. And sometimes it's a really fine line, and we may very well still get sick even though we are doing all the things that we know how to do and being really careful. It's absolutely possible.
• 20:40
  And coming here and traveling on the airplane and traveling on the airplane again, all of that makes it more high risk than if we had just stayed home. That is all true. But I think the difference is that we were not doing this as a choice to harm ourselves, and we were not doing this carelessly or foolishly or impulsively. Impulsively. We thought very hard about our options.
• 21:09
  We thought very hard about our choices and the consequences. We thought very hard about how to do it well and why we wanted to do it. And we went through this whole process of whether we were causing harm to ourselves or others, the risk of getting sick and the risk of not showing up and the impact of that on the survivor community. And I think that's part of what makes it different. When it's high risk behavior that's foolish or dangerous, it's either with intent to harm or it is without thought of harm.
• 21:47
  Does that make sense? So when you're just being impulsive just to be impulsive, it's one thing if you're just being silly with your friends, but it's another thing if you're actually engaging in risky behavior that could hurt people and not caring about that. But when you're making a thoughtful decision where you're weighing the risk and the balance of the consequences of if you do something or the consequences if you don't do something, I think that's what makes the difference. We didn't come to California to get the coronavirus. We didn't fly here and gonna go home and expose everybody else by running around town.
• 22:30
  We have a specific plan in place to do our best not to get sick and to do our best not to get other people sick. And I think that's the difference. So regardless of whether we get sick or not, for us this was the right decision, not because of whether we get sick or not, but because of our intentional process of it being worth it and important and more important to show up and do what we came to do both for ourselves, like with taking pictures, for example, and for the survivor community in representing and sharing the survey because we promised that we would and we have, that's what's more important. And that's what matters even though it is also high risk. And this can come up for survivors in all kinds of ways that don't even have anything to do with coronavirus.
• 23:33
  You can think of other examples. Like for us, for example, we needed those years with the therapist even though it meant driving all of that distance. For us in that season, were not other options. It's been hard to find good options since then even, but staying home would have been less risky than being in our car for four hours and then in therapy for two hours and then in our car for another four hours. When we are a person who lost a parent to a drunk driver, driving can be a trigger And driving for four hours or eight hours if you count it as a round trip is much higher risk for an accident than if we just stayed home.
• 24:20
  But therapy was important and we weren't going out driving to try to get hit. We were going to take care of ourselves in the best way we could, even though some risk was involved. And I think even therapy itself feels like that sometimes because you are risking vulnerability with a therapist to share what happened, to talk about hard things externally and internally, even though the consequence of that is that it brings up hard stuff that you've literally worked for your whole life to avoid. But it's worth the risk and it's worth the effort because healing comes. This same pattern plays out with us coming out with our name.
• 25:10
  Our legal name being associated with the podcast is a risky thing. It puts us and our children at risk of being misunderstood, of being targeted by two abusers who are still alive, of being misunderstood by social services, which are not involved in our case in our family at all right now, but that's a real fear survivors have because it happens. And so it is a very risky thing. It's a risky thing professionally. The ISSTD has been amazing, but I don't know what other therapists in Kansas will say or do or think or in Oklahoma when they put those pieces together and figure things out.
• 25:58
  I don't know if they will embrace us as warmly as the ISSTD has because they understand trauma and understand progress and healing or if they won't because there's just a lot of bad therapists out there which is why we need things like the ISSTD. So that's very high risk putting our name out there like that. Coming out to family members and to friends is high risk because it leaves us vulnerable of them knowing more parts of us and more about us and us being held accountable in that context, not in a bad way, but in that context of vulnerability, being held accountable for more authentic relationships. That's a risky thing. But at the same time, taking those risks has allowed for the freedom of growth.
• 26:58
  So now we have friends who love us really well instead of being isolated by not having any friends or by being hurt again by choosing ones who don't love us well. Or even just the professional example of having consequences from not being able to function enough in work because of the shame of things that we shouldn't be ashamed about. We're in mental health. Why do we have so much stigma against ourselves when we're advocating against stigma for others? Right?
• 27:38
  So now, not only are we working more online now, and not only have we started coaching some DID systems who are trying to get into therapy or who are in therapy, but now we're also even interviewing people in office spaces to start practicing in an office setting again. And we haven't done that for seven years. That's a big deal, but that's healing that's come from connection. And I say it the ISSTD because it's like the entity, and you know what I'm talking about. But the ISSTD is made up of people, and it is made up of professionals who are humans just trying to do their best every day for the people they work with and their own families, Which is exactly me every day.
• 28:31
  I'm just trying to do my best. And there are other clinicians like me. Some of them have been on the podcast. I'm not saying any secrets. Some of them have been on the podcast and shared very vulnerably that they also know what trauma is firsthand.
• 28:49
  They have lived experience, whether it's DID or not. They understand trauma. Which means I'm not the only one and it means I'm not excluded from my own profession because other people hurt me in the past. This opens up so much freedom not just to connect with others, but to connect with myself and to be free to just be all of who I am. That's what makes it worth the risk, you guys.
• 29:21
  That's why we're here. That's why we're opening our office again. That's why we have a best friend. That's why we have clinicians who are new friends. That's why we have other survivors connecting with.
• 29:37
  That's why we keep doing the podcast even though there are days I want to just crawl in a hole and hide. That's why we're opening up and sharing in the ways that we can because healing comes through connection and because we need each other even when it feels like we don't. And let me say, in the context of coronavirus, that can actually be triggering. And I think part of why there has been such a panic is because it is a legitimately serious problem and a new virus. Like, we get that medically.
• 30:16
  Medical people can talk about that side of things. But I think psychologically, part of the impact that's happening is that people are so disconnected from other people that they have an illusion of connection through phones and through texting and through gaming and all through these ways, but they they don't realize it's an illusion of connection because they're still in the crowd all the time. And as people get quarantined and as people are faced with their own mortality in a different way just because of seeing the news or the media or however it's presented or because of isolation precautions, then we become more aware of how disconnected we are from other people and the fear of losing other people either literally through an illness or temporarily socially because of isolation or other precautions or even somatically. Like, you guys think about how much we've learned on this podcast about the impact of the somatic stuff of, like, your body and being physically and physically isolated from other people. We can't touch.
• 31:29
  We can't shake hands. We can't give hugs. Like all of these precautionary things we have to do now to keep ourselves safe, that's a trauma response. It may be medically necessary right now, but it's what bodies do naturally as a trauma response is withdraw from that contact. And so I think everybody, even people who don't have trauma, are feeling that internally without having words for it, and that's part of the panic that everyone has.
• 32:02
  And for those of you with trauma, be aware of that. Like, go back to the mother hunger and even skin hunger. Like, the more that we worry about other people or get isolated from other people, whether it's because of a virus or whether it's because of depression or whether it's because of anxiety or whether it's because of panic attacks or triggers or whatever the issue is, the more we isolate ourselves from others, the less healthy we feel and the more our bodies and brains respond in a trauma response context. So it makes sense to me in a season where people aren't sure what's going on, people aren't sure how it's going to get better or when it's going to get better, and people aren't sure that anyone can help. Like, that's a trauma context.
• 32:55
  That's what it's like to be a survivor every day. And the panic that is going through the community as a whole, where people are rushing to buy all the sanitizer and toilet paper, like, I get it. I get it. There's eight people in my house, and that takes a lot of toilet paper. Like, I get the panic.
• 33:14
  Okay? I'm not saying that people are wrong or bad for feeling scared or trying to prepare or trying to follow directions they're given through whichever media they pay attention to. But I'm saying that's a trauma response. And that's what it's like every day to be a survivor. I'm going to carry food in my backpack because I don't know when I'm going to eat again.
• 33:41
  But I'm also not going to eat that food just in case I need it later. I'm going to move about in the world in a way that keeps me functioning, but also safely isolated. I'm going to make sure I don't touch anyone because they might hurt me. Do you see why it's so triggering for so many people? And so whether it's the coronavirus or whether which I don't, I mean, which I know we need to take seriously, I'm not downplaying that.
• 34:12
  I'm just saying there are so many parallels to our survivor experience anyway, that we need to be aware not just of the dynamic as a trigger, even if the virus itself is not a trigger, but the way people have changed interacting with each other can also be a trigger. It was interesting to me because after we got all cleaned up from our trip, we actually had to go meet the board of directors and some of the people from ISSTD for a dinner before the conference gets started. And that's not because of the podcast. That's because we actually work for the ISSTD now. I don't know if you remember that, but I'm trying really hard to learn and remember what our actual title is.
• 34:57
  So we're one of three employees for the ISSTD. Everything else is volunteer. So people who are complaining about it need to remember that because there's only three of us doing the work, mostly two of them. I don't do so much as they do. Everything else has volunteered.
• 35:16
  So if you wanna make it better, volunteer. But I think our title is professional training program administrator. So, basically, the trainings that the ISTD puts on, like, we take attendance and do the organizing of making sure the trainings happen and that that everyone can get into the Zoom room and things like that and tracking attendance for their CEU certificates. It's not a big deal. It's a tiny, tiny job that's not at all important, except people really want their CEU certificates, right, to get their continuing education credits.
• 36:00
  So it's our job now to handle that and organize that and track that. And so we're learning that, and the ladies at the ISSTD have been very kind in helping train me in that. But because of that job, that's why I got to go to this dinner last night. And it was interesting because we were super anxious, but meeting everyone the night before actually turned out to help because now that anxiety is kind of gone and we can just sort of jump into the conference and enjoy it. Not that we won't ever get anxious or not that there's not like a whole lot of noise in my head going on, but we can regulate it and manage it.
• 36:40
  And there was a low pressure way to sort of introduce ourselves and get to know just the feeling of being with the other people of the conference and these wonderful people that have so kindly done interviews with us on the podcast. So it feels safer than when we first got here. And going into the conference today as it starts seems way less scary because that really helped. But it was also challenging because dinner meant going to a restaurant, which for us as a person with cochlear implants is actually really hard. So we were at first anxious to meet people, but then once we did, we actually couldn't unless it was one of the people you've already interviewed and so we knew them, we don't actually know anybody's names because we couldn't hear their names.
• 37:32
  And so I know faces, but I don't know who is who by their name unless it's someone I already had been introduced to through the podcast. And even then, I couldn't just sit at the table and visit because I could not understand anything. And it was so frustrating. One of those times where this is just our life and it has nothing to do with trauma, except that disability can have its own trauma and we just couldn't hear. Like, we could try to introduce ourselves a couple times.
• 38:05
  They were like, who are you? Why are you here? Because you're a stranger. And I could say that I work with the ISSTD and try to remember the name of my job, and I could mention the podcast, but that's really about as far as I could get because I couldn't understand them.
• 38:38
  Couldn't restaurants are just loud. Like, it's not a comfortable place for me with very many people because I just I can't hear. I just I can't understand what they're saying. I can get bits from lip reading, but not entirely. And you can't lipread more than 30% of English anyway. And so it just that was probably the hardest part, and it had nothing to do with anyone doing anything wrong.
• 38:53
  Everyone was very kind. They were all very gracious. They were all very accepting and spoke highly of the podcast, which I appreciated. Like, it's so embarrassing. They should say, what is your job?
• 39:05
  And I should say, I just get on the air and cry. I don't know. But it was really frustrating to be amongst a crowd of people I love and endure, feel are safe, and intellectually and emotionally really feel connected to, but couldn't talk to them at all. Like, I could speak, but I couldn't hear them. And when and so, like, what am I supposed to say?
• 39:34
  Because I don't I I can't respond. I don't know what they're saying, so I don't know what is it I'm supposed to respond to. And if I initiate, then they respond, and I still can't understand. And so I just like, there wasn't a lot I could do besides enjoy the amazing food and the crazy food like octopus. We had octopus.
• 39:56
  And so mostly, I just watched them have their conversations. But at the same time, maybe that was good because we were able to sit there without any pressure being on us other than looking like we were socially awkward because we're not communicating, but we couldn't hear. We could not hear. It was in a wine cellar. There were echoes.
• 40:16
  It was a big crowd. They were all laughing and talking, and it was lovely. It was really lovely. No one was doing anything wrong. We just can't hear, and nobody can change that.
• 40:25
  Like, it's one of those times where I think I am passing as a hearing person, and I'm not one. And so I feel like an impostor. So I don't know. It's there's nothing we can do about that. I would not change my cochlear implants for anything.
• 40:42
  I'm so grateful that we have them, but it's a reminder that they're not ears and that I can't hear like other people. So there was no engaging storytelling or fun interactions except for we did try to run out once, and and one of our friends caught us and was like, hey. You don't get to run away and sent us back downstairs. So we finished the meal. But when it was time for dessert and they were just having wine and conversation and I really wanted wine and couldn't have it, and I really wanted conversation and couldn't hear, then I was just done.
• 41:18
  I was overstimulated. It was a lot of meeting people. I was really proud of us for going and really proud of us for trying and really proud of me for, like, staying present and not being weird and just appearing like a normal person. Like, that was really all I had in me. And so just respecting that, I excused myself after that before dessert and just went ahead and walked back to my hotel.
• 41:42
  I'm kind of okay with that, and I'm proud of us for going. And I think today will be easier because of it. And talking to people today will be easier because it will be more one on one and not in the restaurant setting where it was as loud. So I think that that will be better, and I'm proud of us for doing that, and I feel geared up for the conference today. So I'm super excited, and there are two amazing things about today.
• 42:11
  Number one, I'm going to the introduction to dissociation seminar that is a preconference workshop that Christine Forner is doing. Christine Forner was last year's ISSTD president, and she's been on the podcast. She's very kind. She understands trauma, and she's good at what she does. She's also really funny.
• 42:34
  So this is a great, great, easy day where we can just sort of sit there and adapt to the climate and become more aware of where we are and why we're here and what we're doing, as well as sort of gauging what our internal response is gonna be to any triggers because of the presentations and just sort of feel things out before the full conference gets started. So I'm excited that it feels like an easy, comfortable, safe kind of day, and it will also be fun to see how much we've learned in two years or three years because it's an introduction to dissociation, and we've learned a lot in three years. So I'm excited to see what we learned and how that feels even in our progress and being able to reflect on that. The other good thing about today is that we get to hold the scanner and beat people into the conference, which is super cool, and we're very excited about it. It's also an easy way to meet people without there being a lot of pressure either for having to do complicated introductions or for having to stay longer than we're comfortable because people will be just trying to get into their seats.
• 43:43
  And so I think it's a perfect, beautiful, easy way to start the conference week, and I'm super excited, and we're not sick yet. So we'll keep everybody updated. I also just wanna let you know that we have several clinical interviews that we have completed and edited and are scheduled to post up the first Thursday of the month coming up. So we will hear from Richard Schwartz who does internal family systems on May 7, Frances Waters on June 4. She's done a lot of work with DID children.
• 44:18
  Veronik Mead, whom I love, talks about ACEs and did the baby ACEs and also talks in that interview a lot about how trauma impacts our bodies and those of us who have chronic illnesses, like us for Sjogren's. And then August 6 is Ken Banao, who talks a lot about relational trauma. So you guys have all of those interviews coming up, they will post even if we get coronavirus and get sick because the husband doesn't know how to take them down. So those are our clinical interviews coming up through this summer, and then we also will be talking to Multiplicity and Me. That is scheduled to post on April 2.
• 45:01
  So this week, it was super fun to hear two different internal perspectives on the same event when we shared about the transfer call in part one and part two this week. And then next week, we share about getting our picture taken with the award is so meaningful for us. And then next Thursday, we'll release the Plural Experience survey results from last year. Finally, that's coming out. It I will warn you that it's a lot of statistics.
• 45:34
  So if you don't wanna listen to the statistics, you can read it on the blog instead if that's easier for you. The exact same episode will be printed out in the blog and post that same morning. We also have an episode coming up where we talk a little bit more about containment and some of the things we learned about in EMDR, which has been new for us. Although we had to change therapist again for a new new lady, but that's a whole different story. So that's coming up.
• 46:06
  So just prepare for that, whether that's your thing or whether it's not, or if you want to skip ahead or wait or relisten to other ones that are more exciting if nerd town is not your thing. But that's what's coming up on the podcast, and we are super excited because ISSTD conference starts today.
• 46:40
  Speaker 2: Thank you for listening. Your support of the podcast, the workbooks, and the community means so much to us as we try to create something together that's never been done before, not like this. Connection brings healing, and you can join us on the community at www.systemsspeak.com. We'll see you there.