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The silent saboteur: How SHAME is controlling your life · Deep Thoughts

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  Speaker 1: Today we're diving into shame, this really silent barrier to growth.
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  Speaker 1: It's often overshadowed by talk of fear or self doubt.
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  Speaker 2: Wouldn't you say, absolutely? And its influence is well quite subtle.
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  Speaker 2: Its internal whispers can easily be mistaken for fundamental truths
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  Speaker 2: about ourselves.
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  Speaker 1: And it's more than just feeling bad much more.
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  Speaker 2: It's often a full body experience, something that can genuinely
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  Speaker 2: halt our development, stop us in our tracks. Also, it
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  Speaker 2: fosters this belief that we're inherently broken, rather than acknowledging
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  Speaker 2: we just made a mistake, and that core belief, well,
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  Speaker 2: it really undermines any motivation for change.
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  Speaker 1: So our goal here in this deep dive is to
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  Speaker 1: really unpack how shame works. We want to look at
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  Speaker 1: its impact on growth and crucially explore some practical ways
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  Speaker 1: to move past it, moving.
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  Speaker 2: From that feeling of being stuck of stagnation towards genuine expansion.
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  Speaker 1: Let's start with the science, because there's some fascinating research here.
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  Speaker 2: There is Studies show that shame act debates parts of
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  Speaker 2: the brain, specifically the dorsal anterior cingulate cortex, and that's
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  Speaker 2: significant because because that's the same region that lights up
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  Speaker 2: when we experience physical pain. It tells us the brain
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  Speaker 2: process is shame, almost like a bodily injury.
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  Speaker 1: Wow, so it's not just feeling hurt metaphorically, the brain
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  Speaker 1: reacts as if it is hurt.
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  Speaker 2: That seems to be the case. It underscores how deeply
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  Speaker 2: shame can affect us physiologically, not just emotionally.
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  Speaker 1: There's also research comparing shame and guilt.
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  Speaker 2: Isn't there Yes, and it's a critical distinction. Some studies
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  Speaker 2: suggest shame is a stronger predictor of things like depression, anxiety,
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  Speaker 2: even lowered self esteem compared to guilt.
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  Speaker 1: Can you clarify that difference for us guilt versus shame?
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  Speaker 2: Certainly, guilt tends to focus on a specific action I
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  Speaker 2: did something bad.
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  Speaker 1: It's about behavior like spilling coffee and thinking oops, I
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  Speaker 1: made a mess exactly.
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  Speaker 2: Shame, however, turns inward. It targets the self I am bad.
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  Speaker 2: Using your example, it would be I am such a
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  Speaker 2: clumsy idiot for spilling that. It's about identity and.
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  Speaker 1: That internal condemnation that I am bad. Feeling must have
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  Speaker 1: huge implications for personal growth.
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  Speaker 2: When someone carries shame from past failures, Maybe a business
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  Speaker 2: that didn't work out, a relationship that ended not meeting
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  Speaker 2: certain expectations.
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  Speaker 1: They internalize it as proof of their inadequacy.
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  Speaker 2: Precisely, it cultivates this deep sense of unworldiness, a belief
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  Speaker 2: that you don't deserve success, or that trying again will
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  Speaker 2: just lead to more failure. Confirming that inherent badness, it
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  Speaker 2: leads to inaction, to stagnation.
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  Speaker 1: So if personal development is about changing our internal stories,
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  Speaker 1: shame throws a major wrench in the works.
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  Speaker 2: It really does. Think about the growth mindset idea, the
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  Speaker 2: belief you can develop abilities through.
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  Speaker 1: Effort, right the work by Carol Dweck.
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  Speaker 2: Yes, but someone steeped in shame struggles to genuinely embrace that.
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  Speaker 2: Deep down, they often don't believe they're worthy of growth
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  Speaker 2: or capable of fundamental change.
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  Speaker 1: So just telling someone have a growth mindset isn't enough.
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  Speaker 1: If shame is the underlying issue, it.
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  Speaker 2: Often isn't the right starting point. A more crucial initial shift,
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  Speaker 2: i'd argue, is from shame towards self.
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  Speaker 1: Compassion, moving away from self attack towards self kindness.
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  Speaker 2: First exactly, Research, particularly by doctor Kristin Neff, shows self
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  Speaker 2: compassion is actually more strongly linked to motivation than self criticism.
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  Speaker 1: Is that seems counterintuitive to some people think harsh self
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  Speaker 1: criticism drives them forward.
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  Speaker 2: But the evidence suggests otherwise. Self compassionate individuals tend to
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  Speaker 2: show greater perseverance after failing. They can take accountability without
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  Speaker 2: spiraling into self loathing, and.
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  Speaker 1: They build better emotional resilience.
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  Speaker 2: Yes, significantly better. Compassion seems to dismantle shame's power and
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  Speaker 2: actually fuel's momentum, whereas constant self criticism just reinforces the
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  Speaker 2: feeling of being not good enough.
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  Speaker 1: It's an active force, then, not just passive acceptance.
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  Speaker 2: Very much so, now let's connect this to the body.
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  Speaker 2: Because shame isn't purely psychological, you.
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  Speaker 1: Mean how emotions manifest.
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  Speaker 2: Physically precisely, Somatic psychology explores how unprocessed emotions, especially potent
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  Speaker 2: ones like shame, can get sort of trapped or stored
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  Speaker 2: in the body.
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  Speaker 1: I've heard trauma experts like Peter Levine talk about this.
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  Speaker 2: His work is very relevant here. He suggests unexpressed shame
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  Speaker 2: can contribute to physical symptoms, things like chronic muscle tension, fatigue,
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  Speaker 2: digestive problems, maybe even impacting the immune system.
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  Speaker 1: It's like the bodies holding onto that unresolved emotional energy.
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  Speaker 2: You could think of it as a kind of perhaps
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  Speaker 2: energetic constipation. Shame can trigger a physiological freeze response, that
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  Speaker 2: feeling of being stuck, shut down, and.
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  Speaker 1: That blockage hinders everything else, access to joy, creativity, purpose.
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  Speaker 2: It certainly seems to. It keeps you in a kind
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  Speaker 2: of survival mode, making it hard to access those more
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  Speaker 2: expansive states.
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  Speaker 1: But there's an antidote.
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  Speaker 2: Movement appears to be a powerful one. Think about it. Physiologically,
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  Speaker 2: movement can help release that stored tension, get energy flowing again.
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  Speaker 1: It makes sense when you feel ashamed, you often want
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  Speaker 1: to curl up, hide because small and.
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  Speaker 2: Still exactly and interestingly, if you look at some cultures,
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  Speaker 2: dance and physical expression are central, sometimes using rituals. There's
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  Speaker 2: speculation that these practices might help communities process and release shame.
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  Speaker 1: Collectively, contrasting that with say, Western societies often focused on productivity,
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  Speaker 1: perhaps leading to burnout. Is there a link?
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  Speaker 2: It's a question worth considering. Are we potentially disconnected from
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  Speaker 2: some of these embodied ways of healing, leading to more
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  Speaker 2: internalized shame. It's complex, of course.
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  Speaker 1: Taking even a wider view, shame isn't just personal is it?
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  Speaker 1: It seems embedded in our culture, even our economy.
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  Speaker 2: That's a crucial point. Some argue that shame is in
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  Speaker 2: some ways a profitable construct. What do you mean, Well,
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  Speaker 2: think about certain industries, beauty perhaps parts of the self
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  Speaker 2: help world. Their marketing often hinges on creating or amplifying
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  Speaker 2: feelings of inadequacy.
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  Speaker 1: The message being you're not okay as you are, but
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  Speaker 1: by this product or service, and then you will.
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  Speaker 2: Be essentially yes, shame about your appearance, your status, your productivity.
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  Speaker 2: It can drive consumption. The underlying premise is often that
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  Speaker 2: you're lacking.
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  Speaker 1: So the constant message isn't just advertising, it's potentially tapping
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  Speaker 1: into and reinforcing shame.
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  Speaker 2: It can certainly function that way, and viewed systemically, a
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  Speaker 2: society where people feel ashamed might also be arguably a
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  Speaker 2: more obedient or distracted society.
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  Speaker 1: Distracted by the constant need for external validation, maybe always
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  Speaker 1: seeking approval to counter the inner feeling of not enough.
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  Speaker 2: That could be part of it. This constant chase leaves
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  Speaker 2: less energy for questioning things or connecting authentically.
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  Speaker 1: So how do we reframe self improvement? Then, if it's
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  Speaker 1: not about fixing a fundamental.
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  Speaker 2: Flaw, perhaps view it as an act of self honor
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  Speaker 2: of natural evolution. Growth doesn't have to come from a
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  Speaker 2: place of deficit. It can come from acknowledging inherent wholeness
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  Speaker 2: and simply evolving, which is a natural process.
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  Speaker 1: That feels like a much more empowering starting point. Okay,
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  Speaker 1: let's get practical. What can listeners actually do to start
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  Speaker 1: releasing shame orful first.
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  Speaker 2: Step, based on neuroscience, is often called name it to.
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  Speaker 1: Tame it, just acknowledging the feeling.
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  Speaker 2: Yes, Dan Siegel's work highlights that simply identifying and verbalizing
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  Speaker 2: an emotion saying I feel shame right now, can actually
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  Speaker 2: reduce its intensity.
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  Speaker 1: How does that work?
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  Speaker 2: It seems to engage the prefrontal cortex, the more rational
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  Speaker 2: part of the brain, bringing it online to modulate the
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  Speaker 2: raw emotion coming from deeper regions like the amygdala. It
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  Speaker 2: creates a little distance.
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  Speaker 1: Simple but potentially quite effective. What else?
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  Speaker 2: Practicing radical self forgiveness is key, and let's be clear,
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  Speaker 2: this isn't about excusing harmful behavior.
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  Speaker 1: It's about releasing the self blame exactly.
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  Speaker 2: It's liration from carrying that burden perpetually. Journaling can help
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  Speaker 2: here with the thick prompts yes, things like what do
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  Speaker 2: I still blame myself for? And crucially, what would I
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  Speaker 2: say to a dear friend if they were in this
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  Speaker 2: exact situation? That shift in perspective is often revealing.
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  Speaker 1: Bringing compassion into it. And we mentioned movement earlier.
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  Speaker 2: Integrating movement is vital. Doesn't have to be intense exercise,
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  Speaker 2: dancing in your living room, going for a walk, stretching,
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  Speaker 2: even conscious.
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  Speaker 1: Breath work, anything that helps release that physical tension where
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  Speaker 1: shane might be stored.
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  Speaker 2: Precisely, it helps process the emotion, somatically gets things unstuck
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  Speaker 2: and can often lead to mental clarity too.
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  Speaker 1: What about the power of sharing. Shame thrives in secrecy, doesn't.
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  Speaker 2: It It absolutely does, so telling your story loud in
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  Speaker 2: a safe context, maybe with a therapist, a trusted friend,
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  Speaker 2: or a support group, can be incredibly powerful.
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  Speaker 1: Vulnerability is an antidote.
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  Speaker 2: Yes, Speaking those shameful stories takes away their power. It
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  Speaker 2: breaks the isolation and allows for connection, realizing you're not
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  Speaker 2: alone in these experiences.
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  Speaker 1: One final strategy.
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  Speaker 2: Shifting focus from performance to presence. Shame often involves intense
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  Speaker 2: self consciousness that constant worry, how am I coming across?
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  Speaker 1: What do people think that can be paralyzing.
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  Speaker 2: It can so consciously try to shift your attention inward.
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  Speaker 2: Instead of how am I being perceived? Ask how am
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  Speaker 2: I being present right now? What am I actually experiencing?
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  Speaker 1: Focusing on the internal state rather than the imagined external.
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  Speaker 2: Judgment, it helps ground you in the moment and reduces
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  Speaker 2: the power of that self conscious sloop.
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  Speaker 1: This has been incredibly insightful. It really underscores that personal
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  Speaker 1: evolution and clinging to shame just can't coexist.
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  Speaker 2: They are fundamentally incompatible. It comes down to a choice,
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  Speaker 2: moment by.
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  Speaker 1: Moment, choosing expansion over judgment, curiosity about mistakes over harsh criticism, choosing.
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  Speaker 2: Self trust over self hate. It's an ongoing practice.
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  Speaker 1: And the final thought, perhaps is that shame traps you
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  Speaker 1: in the past, in the moment it originated.
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  Speaker 2: But your potential, your capacity for growth, always extends far
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  Speaker 2: beyond that single point. That possibility for transformation is yours
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  Speaker 2: intrinsically and can't truly be diminished by external factors or
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  Speaker 2: past events once you decide to move beyond the shame itself.
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  Speaker 2: Thank you for tuning in to this episode of the
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  Speaker 2: Deep Thoughts podcast. I hope you found insights and inspiration
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  Speaker 2: to t take with you on your journey of self growth.
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• 10:10
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• 10:15
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