Latest / Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell / Divorce & Reclamation - Reclaiming Your Power and A Sense of Control Amidst Uncertainty

Transcript

Divorce & Reclamation - Reclaiming Your Power and A Sense of Control Amidst Uncertainty · Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell

• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate, a podcast covering all things relationships, separation, and divorce.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: How to create healthy, happy, fulfilling relationships without sacrificing any part of yourself.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: Supporting anyone feeling challenged in their relationship or marriage, these are confidential conversations for you if you're navigating separation, divorce or reorganising life afterwards.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_00: Decide whether to stay or leave a relationship or marriage, divorce with less drama, and consciously choose what's next for you.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: I acknowledge the traditional owners of the land on which this podcast is recorded, the Warrandry people of the Kulin Nation, and pay my respects to their elders, past, present, and emerging.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_00: I acknowledge them as the original storytellers of this land.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to today's episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate, all about divorce and reclamation.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_00: Reclaiming power and a sense of control amidst uncertainty.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_00: Now I said on last week's episode of the podcast that divorce is an act of courage, and I really believe that to be true.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_00: Whether you choose the divorce yourself or not, I believe divorce is an act of courage.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_00: Courageous things are hard things.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_00: And the definition of courage is the mental or moral strength to venture, persevere, withstand danger, fear, or difficulty.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_00: It takes courage to admit that your relationship, your marriage isn't what you hoped or you want it to be, that it maybe can't be what you need it to be, or to be faced with a partner who's calling quits on your marriage, whatever the reasons.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_00: It takes courage to take the next steps, to have the hard conversations, to unravel a life that you thought was together forever, to navigate separation and divorce and all that that means, and then to create a new version of your life.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_00: And also through through that, through all of that hard stuff, comes an opportunity, and that opportunity is to reconnect to and reclaim you.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_00: And I know for some of you you'll be listening thinking, no, that's not me, that's not me, that's not going to be my story, that's not what that's not what's coming for me.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_00: And I want you to know that it absolutely is.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_00: You have reserves of courage that you are yet to tap into, that you are yet to access, and that story of reclamation that divorce can be does actually get to be your story.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_00: Even if you've been sitting in indecision for years, even if you think you've got no options, even if it feels like all the power and the decision making and the control has been stripped away from you, even if the story you're telling yourself is that you can't take the next step, you're too scared to take that next step, or maybe that no one else no one else out there, no one will understand if you choose to leave, no one will understand your reasons, even if you're questioning everything, including your capacity to trust your own judgment, and you feel like you've completely lost sight and sense of yourself, that story of reclamation does actually get to be your story too.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_00: This actually gets to be your moment, your moment to choose.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_00: And I want you to know that I've got your back, and that is whether it's just here on the podcast, me in your ears, or we're already working together, or you are ready to work more closely together, either one-on-one in the group?
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_00: I really have your back.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_00: I want you to tap into the courage reserves that I know are within you.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_00: I want you to trust in yourself and your own judgment, and I want you to claim that reclamation story for yourself.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_00: So, how do you reclaim your personal power and some sense of control in the middle of so much uncertainty?
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_00: You know, when so much is unknown, uncertain, actually out of your control and just plain scary.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_00: How do you reclaim you and your sense of control and power?
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_00: You know, you might feel like you are losing or you're about to lose so much.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_00: If you choose X, you will lose so much, and in some ways you are, you are gonna lose.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_00: There are things that will be stripped away, but what about what you gain?
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_00: What are you gaining?
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_00: You are gaining back yourself.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_00: You get even in the fear and the uncertainty and the pain, you do actually get to reclaim and redefine yourself.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_00: You can change the next part, you can change the next chapter of your story.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_00: There is actually hope for you to make something different, to choose something different, and to take the steps to make that your reality.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_00: And I remember I remember feeling all of that and thinking, like some of you will be thinking right now, I don't even know who I am anymore.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_00: That was a really strong, what's gonna say theme, that was a really strong feeling for me, both through the unraveling of my marriage, through my separation and divorce.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_00: I don't even know who I am anymore.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_00: How am I going to get me and all of us really through this?
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_00: But you know, even on a deeper, more fundamental level, who am I?
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_00: I look back and I think I was pretty naive in some ways.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I just had this deep belief, this innate sense that I would somehow get us through.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_00: But it was lonely and it was hard, and I did have a great team of people, of catchers around me holding space and scaffolding me, but I didn't have I didn't have a me, I didn't have a coach, I didn't have a guide or a mentor, and that's part of why I do what I do.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_00: I couldn't find this support, this scaffolding this person to have my back when I was doing that hard thing, those hard things.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_00: You know, it really felt at times like I had lost my anchor, and I don't mean that in the sense of a person, I don't mean that in the sense of losing my marriage, losing my partner.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_00: I had lost a sense of being anchored.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_00: I it felt like you know I was being smashed by the waves and there was nothing to grab hold of, no, no way for me to ground myself.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_00: And it was one night when my kids were with their dad, where um I had quite literally peeled, I can't remember if one or both, but at least one of them peeled them off me, upset, crying, trying to hang on to me.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_00: I'd peeled them off and strapped them into his car, into their seat in his car, kissed them, told them, bye, love you, see you, which is our family, goodbye mantra, and plastered that very weak smile on my face and waved them off saying, Have a good time with dad.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_00: And it was that night when I questioned everything, including who was I, where was I, where was my sense of grounding, my haven?
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I don't even know who I am anymore.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_00: And to be honest, not having space to uncover that, not having space to be all of who I was, was actually part of why my marriage ended.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_00: Whether it's right or wrong or absolute truth, there was a feeling that I had of the marriage itself just not having enough space for me, for both of us.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_00: So I'd already been questioning, you know, who who am I and how do I want my my life to look?
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_00: But back to that night of really deep questioning, that was the night I realized that in all of the mess and the sadness and the unraveling, I actually did have power.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_00: I could reclaim that for myself and I could choose even in the uncertainty, even though we really weren't sure what was coming next or how we'd navigate the next steps towards divorce.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I realized that I was it, I was my own safe space, I was my own anchor, and that um I actually had agency.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_00: I got to choose here, I got to choose to reclaim my power.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, to realise there were some things I couldn't control that were out of out of my control, but there was a lot that I could, and in that I started to really reclaim me.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_00: And for you, that moment of realization might look really different.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_00: It might be the moment that you discover your partner's having an affair, for example, or it might be the day you realize however much you try, whatever work you do, your husband or your wife or your partner is simply not going to, or maybe doesn't have the capacity to, they're simply not going to meet you where you need them to meet you.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_00: If the things I'm talking about in this podcast episode are resonating with you and you want to explore deeper support with me, you can book a free intro call via the link in the show notes.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_00: You can also sign up for the wait list for my group coaching program, Decide and Thrive, so you will be first to know when I next launch that program.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_00: Or it might be in the middle of one more heated discussion, argument that goes nowhere, where things are said that can't be unsaid, and maybe those things are said by you, and you stop and you think, Who really am I here?
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_00: Or it might not be a single event, it might just be a slow awareness, a slow dawning over time, a realization that you don't love this other person and you have no idea who you are, what you want, where you're headed, or what's next for you.
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_00: There will come a moment or a slow dawning, a slow realization, and for some of you I know it's already come, you've already experienced it.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_00: When you look at your life and you wonder, is this really it?
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_00: When you look at yourself and ask, who even am I?
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe how did I get here?
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_00: And not with judgment, but with like a bewilderment or in a kind of astonished or perplexed kind of way, you know, who who really am I?
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_00: And that was me too.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_00: And here's what I did.
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_00: I went quiet, I stripped out all of the noise and all of the crap and all of the busyness and all of the to-do lists and all of everybody else's opinions and thoughts and ideas, I stripped it all out, and yes, that's hard to do.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_00: I stripped it out, I went quiet and I listened to myself.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_00: I reflected and I asked myself some questions.
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_00: So if this is you, if you feel like you don't even know who you are anymore, or what home base, or what your anchor feels like, that you have lost touch with yourself, your sense of personal power, and that everything is way beyond your control, I invite you to try these simple things.
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_00: Firstly, listen.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_00: Listen to the quiet whispers.
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_00: Tune out all of the big noise of outside, all the external noise and crap and go quiet.
• 11:30
  SPEAKER_00: Listen to the quiet whisper of your internal voice, your inner knowing, your intuition, whatever you call it.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_00: Listen to that and ask.
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_00: Who am I?
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_00: What do I need right now?
• 11:42
  SPEAKER_00: What is most important to me in this moment?
• 11:45
  SPEAKER_00: Don't worry about the big picture, just focus on you and now.
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_00: Who am I right now?
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_00: What do I need right now in this moment?
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_00: What's most important to me right now in this moment?
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_00: The big picture stuff will come.
• 12:03
  SPEAKER_00: But for now, listen, go quiet, turn inward, and tap into that inner voice.
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_00: Because you actually know the answers.
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_00: Second is reflect.
• 12:17
  SPEAKER_00: Where do I feel the most solid, the most grounded, the most like me, the most me?
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_00: Where and with whom?
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_00: And when was it?
• 12:27
  SPEAKER_00: When did I last feel like that?
• 12:29
  SPEAKER_00: When did I last feel the most me?
• 12:33
  SPEAKER_00: Where was I?
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_00: What was I doing?
• 12:35
  SPEAKER_00: Who was I with?
• 12:37
  SPEAKER_00: Go and find that.
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_00: Create more of it.
• 12:41
  SPEAKER_00: Hang out with those people or people like that.
• 12:44
  SPEAKER_00: Hang out with people who bring you back to yourself.
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_00: The ones who make you feel, or the ones who, when you when you are with them, you feel the most you.
• 12:57
  SPEAKER_00: And it's probably fair to say, it's probably more accurate to say, find the people who allow yourself or with whom you allow yourself to be the true embodied full version of you when you're with them, when you're in their company.
• 13:14
  SPEAKER_00: The ones where you allow yourself to be you.
• 13:18
  SPEAKER_00: They are your people.
• 13:21
  SPEAKER_00: Thirdly, ask, what do I need today?
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_00: What does my body need today?
• 13:26
  SPEAKER_00: What does my heart need today?
• 13:28
  SPEAKER_00: What does my soul need to say today?
• 13:31
  SPEAKER_00: What does my head need today?
• 13:32
  SPEAKER_00: Because you know, sometimes you just need to get that to-do list out of your head and onto a piece of paper or whatever.
• 13:38
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes in this coaching space, I find coaches and people forget to ask what the head needs.
• 13:44
  SPEAKER_00: Because sometimes the head actually really needs to get shit done, to tick a few things off the list, to relieve the pressure.
• 13:50
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes the head just needs white space, white noise, time not thinking to allow the alternatives, creative solutions, options to drop in.
• 14:00
  SPEAKER_00: So ask all the parts of you what you need.
• 14:05
  SPEAKER_00: And finally, connection.
• 14:08
  SPEAKER_00: Where can I find connection to myself?
• 14:13
  SPEAKER_00: Meaningful connection.
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_00: Where can I find connection and again meaningful connection with others?
• 14:21
  SPEAKER_00: Healing happens in community as well as in our solo inner work.
• 14:27
  SPEAKER_00: Healing happens in our connection with and relationship to each other.
• 14:32
  SPEAKER_00: So where can you build and find and create connection which allows you to be the real you, which allows you to hear your inner voice, which allows you to feel the most solid, the most grounded, the most like you.
• 14:49
  SPEAKER_00: Seek out that connection, but also go inward and seek the inner connection.
• 14:53
  SPEAKER_00: Strip out all the noise and go inward and find that inner connection.
• 14:58
  SPEAKER_00: Where and how can you find connection to yourself?
• 15:04
  SPEAKER_00: So that's a little framework, a little exercise that you can run yourself through if you are feeling like number one, you've completely lost sight and sense of who you are.
• 15:15
  SPEAKER_00: Number two, you don't know how to reclaim your power and some semblance of control, some sense of control when everything feels uncertain and unsure.
• 15:28
  SPEAKER_00: So this is your journey, yes, through making hard decisions, through separation, through divorce, but it's also your journey back to you, and that's why I talk about divorce being a journey of reclamation.
• 15:43
  SPEAKER_00: It really is your journey back to you, and I want you to know you can do this, this is your moment, and the first step is choosing you.
• 15:53
  SPEAKER_00: And remember, and I don't say this lightly, I've actually got your back.
• 15:57
  SPEAKER_00: Working with me becomes the anchor you need until you don't need it anymore.
• 16:01
  SPEAKER_00: You found or reconnected to your own anchor, and if you choose to work with me within the container of the group that is decide and thrive, you also get a small group of others to hold you to.
• 16:15
  SPEAKER_00: We will all have your back, even if it feels really hard, even if it's really scary, even if you can't see the end, you can actually see the first step.
• 16:25
  SPEAKER_00: So let this be your moment.
• 16:27
  SPEAKER_00: Reclaim your power and take that first step, whatever it is for you, because the liberation of reflect, reclaim, and liberate really waits for you on the other side of the hard stuff.
• 16:40
  SPEAKER_00: So this is your moment, it's also your invitation to take the first step.
• 16:44
  SPEAKER_00: And if that's joining me, either in the group or one-on-one, I would love to support you.
• 16:51
  SPEAKER_00: There's always a link in the show notes to book a call, to chat through options with me, and to join the wait list for the next group of Decide and Thrive.
• 17:01
  SPEAKER_00: And if you know anyone who is sitting in indecision, who is struggling with a loss of self or a loss of power or a sense of lost power, please share this episode with them.
• 17:18
  SPEAKER_00: We're all in the human experience together, and the more we can connect with one another and connect with like-minded individuals, the less lonely it feels.
• 17:30
  SPEAKER_00: As always, thank you for being here.
• 17:32
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you've got something out of this episode.
• 17:35
  SPEAKER_00: Bye for now.
• 17:37
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sally Ann Hartnell, divorce coach and strategist, and you've been listening to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 17:43
  SPEAKER_00: You can follow me on Instagram at Reflect Coaching, and if you can think of anyone who would love or benefit from listening to this episode, please share it with them.
• 17:51
  SPEAKER_00: I'd also be so grateful if you would follow and review the podcast so we can get it in the ears of a whole lot more people just like you who are ready to reclaim and liberate themselves in life and love.
• 18:03
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you'll join me next week for another episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 18:07
  SPEAKER_00: Until then,