Latest / The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast / 247. Let's Talk About Choreplay.. And Is It Ok To Do Something Because You Want Something In Return?

Transcript

247. Let's Talk About Choreplay.. And Is It Ok To Do Something Because You Want Something In Return? · The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast

• 0:01
  Speaker 1: Sure play.
• 0:02
  Speaker 1: What the heck is chore play?
• 0:03
  Speaker 1: Is that really a thing?
• 0:04
  Speaker 1: I'm asking a question.
• 0:08
  Speaker 2: You tell me you tell me I asked the question actually.
• 0:10
  Speaker 2: I, I guess it's what is chore play.
• 0:15
  Speaker 1: I define it it is warming things up Before, prior to the bedroom, like just doing things were in the house helping with the kids.
• 0:29
  Speaker 1: That is how you're gonna turn your spouse on, it's for four play literally.
• 0:35
  Speaker 2: So that is chores for play chores for play.
• 0:38
  Speaker 1: So that's what we're gonna talk about today at the ultimate intimacy podcast with Nick and Amy and Amy's three babies, your three babies that are sitting on your lap oh, I have three dogs.
• 0:50
  Speaker 2: Everyone knows that I'm a dog lover.
• 0:52
  Speaker 2: She is a dog, a lover, if something ever happens to Nick, you will find me on a farm with like way more dogs.
• 1:00
  Speaker 1: It'll be called the ultimate puppy podcast.
• 1:04
  Speaker 2: I'm gonna save dogs?
• 1:05
  Speaker 2: Yep, but so.
• 1:06
  Speaker 2: Nick's not quite as much of a dog lover, so that will not be happening while he's Not part of I have to say that the right way.
• 1:15
  Speaker 2: He's older than me, so if he ever goes before me, oh, I'm totally gonna go before you.
• 1:21
  Speaker 2: You're gonna turn me in for something Okay.
• 1:25
  Speaker 1: Amy's in charge of this podcast, so as hard as it's gonna be, I'm gonna keep my mouth a little less Moving this podcast you're gonna have lots to say.
• 1:34
  Speaker 2: I guarantee it.
• 1:34
  Speaker 2: I Think you're gonna have lots to say.
• 1:37
  Speaker 2: Um, I'm just gonna be blunt and honest with you.
• 1:42
  Speaker 2: No, no, no with me or the audience everybody, both, all whoever's listening, and you, I Don't know, I'm just gonna admit it.
• 1:53
  Speaker 2: I don't know if I'm for tour play or against her tour play.
• 1:56
  Speaker 2: I literally Don't know where I stand because I'm on both sides and we'll get to this.
• 2:02
  Speaker 2: But Let me explain In our marriage I I Kind of we both work, we both kind of have the same life, we both provide together.
• 2:15
  Speaker 2: So our situation has changed or evolved over our years of 22 years, and so I Can honestly say that, like back in the day when, like you were working more and I was staying home having babies, like it was definitely a turn on when you would like step it up in the house and I know my love language is at a Call acts of service, so that kind of goes with that behind strubbers.
• 2:44
  Speaker 2: That's gifts, right.
• 2:45
  Speaker 1: Oh, I guess yeah service.
• 2:48
  Speaker 2: So I can think it kind of depends on your stage.
• 2:50
  Speaker 2: But a lot of women say, oh, I totally, it's a turn on, it's total for a play when my husband does a tunnel in the house at the same time.
• 3:00
  Speaker 2: Now in our stage I'm like, no, that does not turn me on in anyway, because that's your job.
• 3:07
  Speaker 2: And that's where everything gets tricky with this podcast is because a lot of women get triggered in the like it's his job too, it's not my job to clean the house.
• 3:15
  Speaker 2: Yeah, we know, we know that's not what we're getting into.
• 3:17
  Speaker 2: But I've read a few articles and I actually had a few articles sent to me on this whole thing that Couples they say the stats, the couples They'll work together on the home duties and the kids like quote chores have a better and more frequent sex life.
• 3:37
  Speaker 2: So they kind of do Go hand in hand.
• 3:43
  Speaker 2: Whether you're triggered or not, a lot of women agree that chore play is definitely a form of foreplay and Some get triggered and say no, it's his job, it's absolutely not.
• 3:55
  Speaker 2: So I I don't know.
• 3:57
  Speaker 2: I think it kind of depends on my mood whether that's like really Not like physically arousing, but like mentally arousing, I guess, is the way you word it for me, or if it's, I think it's like some days it can be and some days it's like no, that's just, he's just doing his thing.
• 4:15
  Speaker 2: So that's, our guess, tricky.
• 4:17
  Speaker 2: Do you understand why it's tricky?
• 4:20
  Speaker 2: That made no sense.
• 4:21
  Speaker 2: Yes, I made a lot of sense, did it?
• 4:23
  Speaker 1: Yeah, and I think every couple is gonna look different, like based upon you know you always say that Love languages are different based upon what you're missing, what?
• 4:33
  Speaker 1: You're missing, like you're not gonna need physical touch if you're always getting physical touch, or you're not gonna need your love.
• 4:38
  Speaker 1: Language isn't going to be gifts if you're always getting gifts.
• 4:41
  Speaker 2: And I think this kind of applies the same way, like so we kind of putting chore play in, maybe the love language of acts of service and the people that that's their love language we're saying maybe chore play works better for them.
• 4:54
  Speaker 1: Well, it could be.
• 4:55
  Speaker 1: But I also think chore play like for your, for your average couple out there, if the husband's out gone working and the wife's at home, I think Chore play, which is probably the majority of couples, like short play probably.
• 5:11
  Speaker 1: I.
• 5:13
  Speaker 2: Would say half a cup.
• 5:14
  Speaker 2: I don't even know if it's majority of couples.
• 5:16
  Speaker 1: Yeah, whatever it is, but I think under that circumstance, that situation, that's where chore play might be.
• 5:22
  Speaker 1: I don't know.
• 5:24
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I have no idea.
• 5:27
  Speaker 1: I was just thinking that if my chores don't turn you on anymore, Then what?
• 5:33
  Speaker 2: What's he gonna say?
• 5:35
  Speaker 1: I should devote less time and attention to chores and more time and attention to something that turns you on.
• 5:43
  Speaker 2: I don't, but I don't know what that is attitude, then I'm gonna stop focusing on chores too, and we'll just figure out, we got us, we got four kids, for let's start putting them to work.
• 5:52
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 5:54
  Speaker 1: I'm teasing, I'm teasing a lot of you out there are gonna turn me into child services.
• 5:59
  Speaker 2: Oh, I thought the wives were gonna turn you into her crappy husband attitude.
• 6:02
  Speaker 2: Oh, maybe, if you don't know me by now and my personality, yeah, we know, so I don't know this could this could be a debate.
• 6:16
  Speaker 2: This could be a debate.
• 6:17
  Speaker 2: So I guess chore play really is the exploration of Like, just exploration that chores have become more popular in the topic, that it is foreplay and A lot of people think that they're so not related.
• 6:31
  Speaker 2: But I do think that they, a Lot of women, have admitted that a husband doing chores is very, very attractive and that can be a turn on.
• 6:42
  Speaker 2: So I think it's a thing.
• 6:43
  Speaker 2: I think you agree.
• 6:47
  Speaker 2: Yeah okay, so I did a post.
• 6:50
  Speaker 1: I I agree.
• 6:50
  Speaker 1: When I'm washing dishes or doing a chore, that should be a huge turn on to you.
• 6:55
  Speaker 1: I totally agree with that.
• 6:57
  Speaker 2: Of course you do.
• 6:58
  Speaker 2: Of course you do.
• 7:00
  Speaker 2: Um, okay, so we did a video and I got some response.
• 7:09
  Speaker 2: I just asked people how do they feel about it?
• 7:10
  Speaker 2: Like I didn't want to start anything too controversial.
• 7:13
  Speaker 2: I just literally wanted to be like how do you feel about this?
• 7:15
  Speaker 2: So I'm going to read a couple of these and they're actually a lot more positive than the last time we posted a video.
• 7:20
  Speaker 2: So maybe people are realizing it's not all that.
• 7:24
  Speaker 2: One wife said I always know it's a sex night when he comes home from work and is immediately doing chores.
• 7:32
  Speaker 1: Oh, for sure Ski.
• 7:33
  Speaker 2: In all seriousness.
• 7:34
  Speaker 2: He always helps out around the house without being asked Ask.
• 7:39
  Speaker 1: Okay.
• 7:39
  Speaker 1: I agree 100% Honestly, I help out.
• 7:44
  Speaker 1: I don't say help out.
• 7:45
  Speaker 1: I do chores because they just need to get done.
• 7:47
  Speaker 1: But there are times I step it up when I'm like all right, I want to take less things off her list, take on more, because I want some action tonight.
• 7:58
  Speaker 2: At least you admit it, because it's absolutely all admit it.
• 8:01
  Speaker 2: He can admit it because it's flat out obvious in the house it is flat out obvious when he starts totally going to admit it.
• 8:07
  Speaker 2: When I'm laying in bed working amusual, like at night, if I'm on my computer or whatever, and he's going in and out of the bedroom with laundry and he's clean enough, and I'm like, oh, he wants something.
• 8:18
  Speaker 2: He wants me to shut this computer right now.
• 8:20
  Speaker 1: Get rid of that girl, get rid of that computer.
• 8:23
  Speaker 2: No doubt about it.
• 8:24
  Speaker 2: The thing I want to point out in her message is that she did laughing emojis after she says he comes home from work and immediately starts doing chores, which shows me that she's taking it not in a negative way.
• 8:39
  Speaker 2: She's laughing about it, right, which?
• 8:40
  Speaker 1: is really good, which is what I do.
• 8:42
  Speaker 2: That's a positive mindset about chore play.
• 8:45
  Speaker 1: I was just going to say you'd have some wives that say, oh, he just wants something and they're looking at it, solely at that.
• 8:50
  Speaker 1: Who frigging cares if you want, of course he wants to connect with you, like.
• 8:54
  Speaker 1: And then her attitude is like oh, I can tell he's in the mood and she's-.
• 8:58
  Speaker 2: And I try to have that.
• 8:59
  Speaker 2: I'm going to be honest with you.
• 9:00
  Speaker 2: There are some nights where I'm like, seriously, Like you couldn't do that yesterday.
• 9:04
  Speaker 2: It all comes down to your attitude.
• 9:06
  Speaker 2: Sometimes, if you're PMSing, who knows where your hormones or mood swings you're at, I don't know.
• 9:10
  Speaker 2: But for women it's like sometimes we're going to be like really that's so annoying and then sometimes we're going to laugh it off and be like, oh, he's totally getting some tonight.
• 9:18
  Speaker 2: That is so attractive.
• 9:19
  Speaker 2: Like I'm not going to lie, we're a little complicated.
• 9:23
  Speaker 2: I'm just going to admit it, there are some nights where it works and there are some nights where just not in the mood, and there are some nights where we're just like absolutely come here baby, that's cool, that's cool.
• 9:33
  Speaker 2: I love that she said it in all seriousness, no, that he always helps around the house without being asked.
• 9:37
  Speaker 2: See, that is what we're always trying to point out.
• 9:40
  Speaker 2: She's lighthearted about her comment and that he's playful in this way because the emotional intimacy is already strong in the marriage.
• 9:48
  Speaker 2: I can feel that from the three sentences of her comment.
• 9:51
  Speaker 2: Another comment said I think so many objections come from situations where one spouse only does chores when they want sex.
• 10:01
  Speaker 2: It feels different when your spouse routinely, consistently works with you on chores instead of only doing it when they want something.
• 10:11
  Speaker 1: I agree with that.
• 10:13
  Speaker 2: That definitely changes your attitude in the entire marriage, when you're always feeling more like teammates versus they're only doing it when they want something.
• 10:23
  Speaker 2: And I think that's what turns chore play into.
• 10:25
  Speaker 2: Foreplay is that it's not every four days or every three days.
• 10:32
  Speaker 2: I actually help out, it's all the time.
• 10:35
  Speaker 2: We're a team and if a wife can realize that maybe he is stepping it up a little bit more today, maybe he does want to just help me so that it can get done faster, so we have more time to connect tonight and be grateful for it.
• 10:50
  Speaker 2: I think that's all in that.
• 10:52
  Speaker 1: That's exactly my mindset, honestly, I'm being honest.
• 10:56
  Speaker 1: I'm not laughing or smiling or joking.
• 10:59
  Speaker 2: I think that really is.
• 11:00
  Speaker 1: Like there are nights where I'm like I would love to make love to Amy.
• 11:04
  Speaker 1: I know she's got a lot on her plate.
• 11:05
  Speaker 1: She's in there working or whatever.
• 11:06
  Speaker 1: So I'm like if I can get more done and take more things off her plate, we're going to have more time for intimacy and she's not going to be feeling like, oh, I got to do a lot more stuff, right.
• 11:16
  Speaker 1: Right and like I don't think there's anything selfish about that.
• 11:20
  Speaker 1: I think that's called marriage, is like you need that time to connect emotionally and physically and sexually.
• 11:27
  Speaker 1: And we always talk about prioritizing your marriage and what I guess.
• 11:33
  Speaker 1: I guess what's wrong with that?
• 11:34
  Speaker 1: Right, like I think that's a natural thing, that's an unselfish thing, I think, to be able to say, hey, I want to connect with her, I'm going to, you know, try to get more things done.
• 11:47
  Speaker 1: And I want to say this it's no one's job.
• 11:49
  Speaker 1: I'm not saying it all.
• 11:50
  Speaker 1: It's like oh, it's her job to do and I'm doing her job.
• 11:53
  Speaker 1: That's not what I'm saying at all, because that's not the way it is.
• 11:55
  Speaker 1: Like your household responsibilities, I mean, however you've broken them up or however works for you, anything around the house or inside and out, at the end of the day is both of your responsibilities.
• 12:08
  Speaker 1: And yeah, you might have certain things like there's certain things that Amy likes doing that I don't really like doing, and there's certain things I like doing that Amy doesn't really like doing.
• 12:15
  Speaker 1: We've kind of figured that out and we kind of tackle your smile.
• 12:22
  Speaker 2: Have we really worked that out?
• 12:23
  Speaker 2: Because I think I get all these comments from men that they're like oh doesn't my wife realize that I take on the yard work and the maintenance of the cars and all this stuff?
• 12:32
  Speaker 2: And I asked the question.
• 12:33
  Speaker 2: I'm like, when was the last time you asked your wife if she would rather mow the lawn than scrub the kitchen floors?
• 12:39
  Speaker 2: And none of the husbands can ever answer it.
• 12:42
  Speaker 2: Is that not the funniest question?
• 12:44
  Speaker 1: Well.
• 12:45
  Speaker 2: I would rather mow the lawn, but most husbands assume we'd rather be scrubbing the kitchen down, like we do every Saturday morning.
• 12:52
  Speaker 2: You know what I mean.
• 12:53
  Speaker 1: Yeah, but I think most marriages, like even ours like Amy hates going to the store, I know she hates going- to the store.
• 12:59
  Speaker 2: I just did it with four kids while they were toddlers for so many years.
• 13:02
  Speaker 1: So I typically try to go to the store as often as I can.
• 13:06
  Speaker 2: Well, everyone keeps telling us we should just do ship to your house on your porch.
• 13:11
  Speaker 1: If we were smart, that's what we do.
• 13:13
  Speaker 1: If we were smart, we would do that.
• 13:14
  Speaker 1: Yeah, maybe we'll figure it out.
• 13:15
  Speaker 2: We're not.
• 13:16
  Speaker 2: I want to add this before we jump into the next comment.
• 13:19
  Speaker 2: Don't you find it interesting?
• 13:22
  Speaker 2: And this is like a whole nother topic in itself?
• 13:25
  Speaker 2: But you just got done saying that out of the kindness of your heart, you literally want to help get stuff done faster For the reason that we can both connect with each other, right, that's.
• 13:37
  Speaker 2: Whether you look at that as selfish or not Hopefully you don't look as a selfish thing it's a team unified, kind of thing.
• 13:45
  Speaker 2: But if but, hold on if you look like if you were to ask a woman okay, you say you're so exhausted at night, but if you would have done.
• 13:55
  Speaker 2: Say you take the same night and you do it two different ways.
• 13:57
  Speaker 2: The first night she I don't know what the husband's doing, but she's cleaning, getting laundry done, spicking up the house, cleaning up the kids, toys, putting stuff away, I don't, I don't know Whatever you do at night but say you're doing it till 10 o'clock at night and you're just then you're exhausted.
• 14:11
  Speaker 2: Or the next scenario is your husband helps out and takes an entire hour off your plate.
• 14:18
  Speaker 2: The wife is probably.
• 14:21
  Speaker 2: If she has a bad attitude, she's gonna say, whether it's nine o'clock or ten o'clock, I'm too tired, I don't want to make love to you.
• 14:27
  Speaker 2: Yet he just took.
• 14:29
  Speaker 2: I'm not saying it's not his job, I have to be careful with my wording but if you work together, a team, and got done at nine o'clock so that you could be intimate together, you see where I'm going with this.
• 14:41
  Speaker 1: Yeah, and I think, if you're looking at sex from a standpoint as if you're looking, if you're a relationship where the wife doesn't want it and the husband wants it, of course everything we're talking about today is going to come across as a negative thing, right For sure, because you're in a relationship where one spouse doesn't want it, the other spouse does, and now what we're talking about today is, for foreplay almost creates like an expectation, right?
• 15:07
  Speaker 1: Right, we're talking about that.
• 15:09
  Speaker 1: Have people that have healthy relationships, that want to connect, that want to make love to each other.
• 15:14
  Speaker 1: That this is, this is you know how couples are doing things to serve each other and knowing that both of them want to make love to each other.
• 15:23
  Speaker 1: How do I take things off my wife's plate or how do I take things off my husband's plate?
• 15:28
  Speaker 1: How do we accomplish things so we have more time to connect, because that's ultimately what we both want?
• 15:35
  Speaker 2: And I hate to say this, but I'm talking to the higher-drive husband, lower-drive wife scenario right now.
• 15:43
  Speaker 2: But I hate to say this.
• 15:45
  Speaker 2: But when we talk about like, does your, does your wife control the, say so when sex happens.
• 15:50
  Speaker 2: This literally comes down to the wife's attitude.
• 15:54
  Speaker 2: Would you agree?
• 15:56
  Speaker 1: Yeah, or the lower-desire spouse.
• 15:57
  Speaker 1: But yeah, or the lower-desire spouse, it could be the same thing.
• 16:00
  Speaker 2: But for most husbands they're not.
• 16:02
  Speaker 2: This chore-playing doesn't even come in right to their mind.
• 16:04
  Speaker 2: But for a low-drive wife it really comes down to this either being a positive or negative attitude around this entire thing.
• 16:14
  Speaker 1: Yeah, well, you're exactly right.
• 16:16
  Speaker 1: How you look at this situation can take you really one way and make you mad and think, oh, he, just my spouse, is just doing stuff because he wants to have sex.
• 16:25
  Speaker 1: and then you, then you become even more negative and more destructive or like oh, he's doing this because he wants time to connect with me, which is important in our marriage.
• 16:37
  Speaker 1: Like it's so amazing how, if people just change their perspective on things, you can have the exact same situation and look at it completely different ways, which is going to completely alter the direction you go in your marriage, right For sure.
• 16:53
  Speaker 1: And there are people out there that that literally might be really struggling with certain things or having really rough things in their marriage, and another couple that's just flourishing because they simply look at certain situations in a different mindset.
• 17:12
  Speaker 2: Absolutely.
• 17:12
  Speaker 1: And if you change your perspective and you look at it in a positive mindset, you're going to have positive things come out of it.
• 17:18
  Speaker 2: And I've noticed, just being completely honest, that, like when I'm in a negative mindset this whole entire chore play thing I roll my eyeballs and I'll be like I just have a negative attitude, like I'm just like, oh there, he is just doing this.
• 17:31
  Speaker 2: For this reason, when I'm in a positive mindset, I'm in a good place.
• 17:35
  Speaker 2: I think, oh, he's being so helpful though, so we can both connect.
• 17:38
  Speaker 2: And if you're not wanting to connect intimately, it's usually a deeper issue, like we always talk about, right?
• 17:44
  Speaker 2: So if you want to be more positive about this and be more teammates and we are unified in your marriage, you really got to dive deeper and figure out why am I so against chore play?
• 17:56
  Speaker 2: Because if you're helping each other out to have more intimate time at night, that should absolutely be a bonus in your marriage.
• 18:02
  Speaker 1: Yeah, right, yeah, for sure.
• 18:03
  Speaker 1: I think it's important to talk about, like, looking at chore play as like a transactional behavior.
• 18:12
  Speaker 1: We've talked about this before, right, like.
• 18:17
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and it comes down to is transactional, good or bad, like everything.
• 18:21
  Speaker 2: We always say this everything in life is transactional.
• 18:23
  Speaker 2: Like you get married for a trans, like you needed something, he needed something.
• 18:27
  Speaker 2: That's why you got married right.
• 18:29
  Speaker 1: Yeah, everything you do in life is transactional, Everything you do.
• 18:33
  Speaker 1: So you know, if part of this is transactional again, as long as the results are good, it's a positive like for both of you.
• 18:45
  Speaker 1: I mean again, this is I keep saying this but if you're in a marriage where it's not a healthy marriage, this is going to be a negative thing For sure.
• 18:54
  Speaker 1: If you're in a marriage that you both love each other and respect each other and you want your marriage to get better, this is a positive thing.
• 19:02
  Speaker 2: For sure.
• 19:03
  Speaker 2: I have another great comment I think it's useful to give of yourself.
• 19:07
  Speaker 2: We all seem to like to be given too.
• 19:09
  Speaker 2: I agree with seeking to know what makes your spouse feel loved and valued and appreciated, but their healthy relationship does those things wholeheartedly because they love each other, not just as a transaction.
• 19:22
  Speaker 2: Where it gets dicey is when love is not freely given and one or both of the couple has transactional heart change.
• 19:30
  Speaker 2: Demanding love is no longer love, just as using love as a weapon is no longer love.
• 19:35
  Speaker 2: You tear your hands, you tear your house down with your own hands.
• 19:40
  Speaker 2: That was deep.
• 19:43
  Speaker 2: I have to think about that one for a sec.
• 19:44
  Speaker 2: Right, I like the part that he just said.
• 19:49
  Speaker 2: A healthy relationship does these things wholeheartedly because they love each other and they don't even look at it as a transaction.
• 19:58
  Speaker 1: Exactly.
• 19:59
  Speaker 2: That's kind of the key here.
• 20:00
  Speaker 2: Right, this is kind of a transactional behavior.
• 20:04
  Speaker 2: I'll do more so that I can do this with you.
• 20:07
  Speaker 2: But if you don't look as a transaction, that changes everything.
• 20:11
  Speaker 2: When I just think, oh, oh, he's helping, we're being a unified team, we're both getting stuff done so that we have more time tonight to connect intimately, which is good for our marriage and good for our relationship and good for him, and it's actually good for me too.
• 20:25
  Speaker 2: That changes my whole attitude.
• 20:27
  Speaker 1: And I think too, if you just simply throw it out like who really cares anyways, Like if something positive is happening in your relationship, who really cares why it's happening, like it's a positive thing happening.
• 20:46
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 20:46
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 20:47
  Speaker 2: No, I agree, I agree.
• 20:49
  Speaker 2: Another, another lady said that last comment was from a husband.
• 20:53
  Speaker 2: This one says I have mixed feelings about it.
• 20:55
  Speaker 2: I'm all for making connections outside the bedroom that lead to better intimacy, which then leads to better sex.
• 21:03
  Speaker 2: I think it can be tricky.
• 21:05
  Speaker 2: Issue is because some men treat it as something that isn't their job and offer Health quotes in order for a payout in the bedroom.
• 21:12
  Speaker 2: It changes the gift completely.
• 21:14
  Speaker 2: When it's approached like that, I Think I'm just see.
• 21:18
  Speaker 2: I think when I'm done in the right spirit, when done in the right spirit, I'm all for it.
• 21:23
  Speaker 1: I think that's the key right there.
• 21:25
  Speaker 2: That's, that's definitely the key.
• 21:26
  Speaker 2: Why is the husband in this situation?
• 21:31
  Speaker 2: Is he doing it just for reward later, or is he doing it because he literally Wants to be a partner, teammate, right?
• 21:46
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean, I think you can have it's your motive, right?
• 21:48
  Speaker 2: tons of motives.
• 21:49
  Speaker 2: It comes down to motive you can have multiple motives.
• 21:51
  Speaker 1: I, when I do chore play a lot of it, is Because I love you and I want to take the burden off of you and I want time to connect like that's just honest.
• 22:04
  Speaker 2: No, I think, if you have a great conversation, if you have more time and you have those burdens.
• 22:10
  Speaker 1: Take it if we both have those burdens removed, I should say, because there are less things that need to be done in the house and it leaves more time to connect, like I mean, that's what's wrong with that.
• 22:23
  Speaker 2: Yeah, absolutely Okay.
• 22:24
  Speaker 2: Here's a more negative comment, and and and this just kind of shows you like kind of the atmosphere where people are coming from this just sets up for a terrible dynamic where the husband runs around trying to earn sex and the wife feels like the only reason he ever helps is to try and get her to have sex in a solid marriage based on partnership, mutual satisfying intimacy and different Differential I don't know what that word is.
• 22:48
  Speaker 2: It's cute, but for most couples trying to find that balance and looking for support for struggling marriage, it's a terrible dynamic to promote.
• 22:55
  Speaker 1: Okay, let's take this situation right here.
• 22:57
  Speaker 1: Okay, okay, all right.
• 22:58
  Speaker 1: So the wife obviously has some feelings, right?
• 23:01
  Speaker 1: So what's she gonna do?
• 23:02
  Speaker 1: She's probably gonna say to her husband You're only doing this because you want sex for sure right, right, what is that going to do to the situation?
• 23:12
  Speaker 2: They're both going to be upset.
• 23:14
  Speaker 1: Absolutely.
• 23:14
  Speaker 2: The husband's gonna be like I'm I'm not just trying to do this for sex.
• 23:17
  Speaker 2: I was literally trying to help you.
• 23:19
  Speaker 1: He's gonna be put in a corner.
• 23:20
  Speaker 1: That is going to Make things bad right.
• 23:24
  Speaker 1: So even if the wife really felt like that, what if she responded to her husband and said man, thank you so much for all your help and everything you're doing?
• 23:35
  Speaker 1: Like I really appreciate that.
• 23:36
  Speaker 1: That's Thanks for you know doing that.
• 23:39
  Speaker 1: Yeah what do you think the reaction is going to be?
• 23:41
  Speaker 1: Take away, take away the.
• 23:45
  Speaker 1: Is he doing it for sex or is he?
• 23:46
  Speaker 1: Isn't he doing it for sex?
• 23:48
  Speaker 1: Take that away.
• 23:48
  Speaker 1: What do you think his reaction is going to be if his wife just Responded in a different way?
• 23:55
  Speaker 2: It changes everything.
• 23:56
  Speaker 1: Okay.
• 23:57
  Speaker 1: So she responds and says thank you so much for all your help.
• 24:00
  Speaker 1: Like this is awesome.
• 24:01
  Speaker 1: What do you think he's going to do?
• 24:03
  Speaker 1: He's going to be like oh, I feel really appreciated.
• 24:06
  Speaker 1: He's going to want to step up and do that more often than, regardless of the sex absolutely because he's going to feel loved and appreciated.
• 24:14
  Speaker 1: And I mean, it's just so much of like.
• 24:17
  Speaker 1: So much of what we do Simply comes down to like how we react to something.
• 24:25
  Speaker 2: It's easy, as a woman, though, to get in that mindset and think well, you should be doing this Anyways, not just if you want something.
• 24:31
  Speaker 2: But that's where we have to step back and think okay, why am I taking it like this?
• 24:35
  Speaker 2: Where?
• 24:35
  Speaker 2: Where's that coming from?
• 24:37
  Speaker 2: Is, if he's not doing enough, naturally Around the house and you're feeling resentment and you're upset about that, then that's a deeper issue that needs to be discussed, right, because, like we said, if you're triggered by chore player or your husband doing more To get something, there's probably a deeper issue.
• 24:54
  Speaker 1: But that's my point is, in this situation you have a husband that wants to connect with his wife sexually, right, absolutely.
• 25:01
  Speaker 1: He wants his wife to desire him.
• 25:03
  Speaker 1: So he's thinking what can I do To just help out and be a better husband and get my wife to Want, desire me?
• 25:11
  Speaker 1: All of his intentions are like good, like he's trying to to Bring positive and good things Into the marriage and have good things happen, and he's getting shot down.
• 25:24
  Speaker 1: That's all I'm saying is like it's so important how you react to certain things.
• 25:31
  Speaker 1: I mean that can be like a make or break with so many different things.
• 25:35
  Speaker 2: Well, and if she's feeling like you're just trying to get something.
• 25:37
  Speaker 2: Why are you being so awesome tonight?
• 25:39
  Speaker 2: And that's making her upset?
• 25:40
  Speaker 2: Maybe the answer should be like hey, you know, I really appreciate that you really did so many awesome things around the house tonight.
• 25:47
  Speaker 2: Do you think maybe we should talk about how that could be more of a constant thing in our marriage?
• 25:53
  Speaker 2: Like I have this burden on me where I feel like I'm always doing so much more and I'm tired and I'm exhausted.
• 26:00
  Speaker 2: Do you think that we could find a healthier balance Like this all the time?
• 26:04
  Speaker 2: Because I felt really connected to you tonight when you really stepped it up and that would be amazing if it was like this all the time, like that kind of cover, instead of like why don't you do this all the time?
• 26:15
  Speaker 2: You just want something tonight, like you can.
• 26:17
  Speaker 1: The tone of voice change and that.
• 26:18
  Speaker 1: And that goes back to exactly what you said is the wife controls if and when sex is going to happen in most relationships.
• 26:25
  Speaker 2: If, if she's the lower drive, yes.
• 26:27
  Speaker 1: Absolutely, absolutely.
• 26:28
  Speaker 1: And so Come you know, comes back to that.
• 26:31
  Speaker 2: Absolutely.
• 26:32
  Speaker 2: I have another comment says acts of service is not my Love language.
• 26:37
  Speaker 2: So chore play is not a thing for me.
• 26:39
  Speaker 2: For someone who does have that love language it may be.
• 26:41
  Speaker 2: Don't get me wrong.
• 26:42
  Speaker 2: I love and appreciate when my husband shows he cares for the home and things that need to be done, but it doesn't prompt emotional or physical intimacy and that's okay and that's okay.
• 26:53
  Speaker 1: That's, yeah, that's.
• 26:54
  Speaker 1: But if the point is, if the point is, is that can Take things, take more burdens off the table in general, so that there is more time to connect emotionally and physically, that's the point right but the question is he just maybe he's just a really awesome husband, so she already feels that emotional connection and maybe he's already really good about doing those things, which is why she's saying this.
• 27:17
  Speaker 2: But I bet, if this husband cut off Like he's just like that's not my job or or treated it more like I'm just doing it, for this one reason.
• 27:26
  Speaker 2: It would have adverse effects that would wreck the emotional intimacy, which which would wreck the physical because they go hand in hand right, absolutely yeah, have adverse effect for sure.
• 27:38
  Speaker 2: Um, I'm just gonna read a couple more.
• 27:40
  Speaker 2: I just think these, I don't know.
• 27:41
  Speaker 2: I think they're really like thinking, ah, the old transactional relationship, how romantic, ha ha, I wonder what I'd get if I started mowing the lawn and trimming the trees.
• 27:50
  Speaker 2: This is for my wife.
• 27:55
  Speaker 1: Again, I think it's all perception and how people look at things.
• 27:59
  Speaker 1: If you go in to look at every single thing as a transaction or you go in to look at everything as like has to be fair you are going to have, in my opinion, probably a miserable marriage because everything is going to be about scorekeeping or what does my spouse want, instead of like, oh he's actually he or she's actually just doing something nice, right, right, and again, who frigging cares if it is a transaction, sometimes Like that's why I don't understand why that's an issue, because in most marriages, even if you don't admit you have things going on as transactional, you do.
• 28:38
  Speaker 1: You do Like so many things that are going on in your marriage, whether known or unknown, are transactional.
• 28:46
  Speaker 2: Agreed, agree.
• 28:48
  Speaker 2: If you really look deep down into it, yes, Absolutely, I'm gonna read two more, and then we'll wrap it up, okay.
• 29:14
  Speaker 1: All right.
• 29:14
  Speaker 1: So okay next guy is something to say.
• 29:17
  Speaker 1: All right.
• 29:18
  Speaker 2: That was from a husband.
• 29:20
  Speaker 1: Okay, okay, he's all right.
• 29:22
  Speaker 1: This is just my opinion.
• 29:23
  Speaker 1: If everything's going good, it's really easy to say that.
• 29:27
  Speaker 2: It is really easy to see that.
• 29:29
  Speaker 1: It's.
• 29:29
  Speaker 1: But if things start going bad, so let's say, this husband stops doing things, right, right let's say, in his eyes everything's good, but he stops doing some things, the marriage gets out of balance.
• 29:40
  Speaker 1: I mean, is he going to change his view on things Like probably probably.
• 29:47
  Speaker 2: So, yeah, and that's what's interesting Like every comment, you can kind of tell like what kind of theory they're coming from a good situation or from a bad situation.
• 29:54
  Speaker 2: Like you can tell when people are triggered by this word or not, right?
• 29:58
  Speaker 2: Last one, I do almost all of the work this is from a husband, by the way.
• 30:03
  Speaker 2: I do almost all the work chores at home.
• 30:05
  Speaker 2: Do I do these things to earn sex?
• 30:07
  Speaker 2: No, well, maybe I have chosen what I want for my wife.
• 30:10
  Speaker 2: I don't want a busy, worn out wife.
• 30:12
  Speaker 2: I want an energized, relaxed, comfortable, confident woman who finds me and my desires attractive and has the capacity to be sexual and to enjoy and desire intimacy.
• 30:23
  Speaker 2: That's awesome.
• 30:24
  Speaker 2: That's the one we're ending on.
• 30:25
  Speaker 1: That's a good one.
• 30:26
  Speaker 2: He doesn't.
• 30:27
  Speaker 2: Do I do these things to earn sex?
• 30:29
  Speaker 2: No Well, maybe At least he's honest.
• 30:32
  Speaker 2: He doesn't, and this is, I think, exactly where you're coming from, but he hit on the second part.
• 30:36
  Speaker 1: He hit this so that my wife can be more relaxed, have more time, you know she.
• 30:42
  Speaker 2: I want a confident woman who finds me, I desires, attractive and has the capacity to be sexual and enjoy and desire intimacy.
• 30:49
  Speaker 2: He doesn't want a worn out wife.
• 30:51
  Speaker 2: He doesn't want an exhausted wife.
• 30:53
  Speaker 2: He doesn't want a wife that feels like he doesn't do anything.
• 30:55
  Speaker 2: He wants to be attractive to his wife.
• 30:57
  Speaker 2: He wants her to feel like they're in a partnership, that they're unified, that they have that ultimate intimacy that we're all craving, right?
• 31:03
  Speaker 2: He wants that and so he understands.
• 31:06
  Speaker 2: Well, yeah, I want to be intimate with my wife, but I'm doing.
• 31:09
  Speaker 2: I step it up all the time because I love her and I want to take some of the burden off.
• 31:16
  Speaker 2: Not that it's her burden, we're not saying that.
• 31:18
  Speaker 2: But he understands it's both of their burdens and if and even if I have to take a little bit more off of her, I'm willing to do that.
• 31:26
  Speaker 2: I mean, that's what marriage is right, like if you're tired, I step it up, if I'm tired, you step it up.
• 31:31
  Speaker 2: That's what marriage is.
• 31:33
  Speaker 1: And I go back to it In every situation.
• 31:37
  Speaker 1: You know, if a woman is saying, well, he just wants something, in this person's situation he wanted something.
• 31:47
  Speaker 1: What did he want?
• 31:48
  Speaker 2: He wanted his wife to want connection, exactly.
• 31:51
  Speaker 1: He wanted something.
• 31:52
  Speaker 1: He did these things because he wanted something.
• 31:55
  Speaker 1: And the thing it doesn't matter what you want.
• 31:57
  Speaker 1: You still want something, whether you want sexual intimacy, whether you want your wife to feel loved, whether you want your wife to feel relaxed, whatever, the reason why we do things is because we want something.
• 32:10
  Speaker 1: That's just.
• 32:12
  Speaker 2: I want something out of this marriage.
• 32:13
  Speaker 2: I know you.
• 32:14
  Speaker 1: Absolutely I mean I.
• 32:15
  Speaker 2: It's so funny that people hate the word.
• 32:17
  Speaker 1: So throw it out the window that, oh, my spouse is just doing something because he wants something.
• 32:22
  Speaker 1: Well, yes, wanting something is not a bad thing.
• 32:25
  Speaker 1: I want a better marriage.
• 32:27
  Speaker 1: Therefore, I'm going to do this.
• 32:28
  Speaker 1: I want my wife to be happier.
• 32:30
  Speaker 1: Therefore, I'm going to do this.
• 32:32
  Speaker 1: I want to have deeper emotional and sexual intimacy.
• 32:35
  Speaker 1: Therefore, I'm going to do this.
• 32:36
  Speaker 1: If your attitude is, while he's just doing it for this, your whole marriage attitude should be I'm doing all these things.
• 32:43
  Speaker 1: I'm doing because I want this.
• 32:45
  Speaker 1: I want a better marriage.
• 32:46
  Speaker 1: I want a more passionate marriage.
• 32:49
  Speaker 1: I want my wife to be happy.
• 32:50
  Speaker 1: Everything in your marriage should be doing things in your marriage because you want something.
• 32:58
  Speaker 2: Wow, amen.
• 32:59
  Speaker 1: I'm done, I'm out, that's it.
• 33:01
  Speaker 2: Well, the funny thing is is that you're like oh, my husband wants something, the wife wants something too.
• 33:06
  Speaker 2: I want my wife, my husband, to bring home a paycheck.
• 33:09
  Speaker 2: I want my husband to help clean up, blah, blah, blah.
• 33:11
  Speaker 2: I want him to take care of this and this and this, like because I don't want to do those things.
• 33:15
  Speaker 2: Like we all I don't care who you are the wives and the husbands both want something from each other.
• 33:21
  Speaker 1: Everything is not a bad thing.
• 33:23
  Speaker 1: Everything in life is wanting something.
• 33:25
  Speaker 1: We have goals, we have things that we want and that's hopefully what we're doing together and working together as a couple.
• 33:33
  Speaker 2: Yep, agreed, so hope that we sparked some interesting conversations for you to have with your spouse.
• 33:42
  Speaker 2: Hopefully, yeah, hopefully this, this conversation, doesn't trigger you and they're like, okay, I can walk away and be like there's a reason why I feel this way towards this word, or maybe we need some to have these conversations about this exact subject, or yeah.
• 34:02
  Speaker 1: I would like to make love to you tonight, so I'm going to get to work on some chores.
• 34:05
  Speaker 1: I'm just joking.
• 34:07
  Speaker 2: And I'm just going to laugh at that and I'll be like I'm good with that.
• 34:10
  Speaker 2: I'm good with that, Anyways.
• 34:12
  Speaker 1: Well, we hope you enjoyed the podcast and please reach out to us if you have any questions.
• 34:18
  Speaker 1: We love hearing from you and until next time we hope you to be fine.
• 34:22
  Speaker 1: Ultimate intimacy in your relationship.