Latest / The Midlife Momma Podcast - Empty nest mom, Parenting adult children, Midlife transition, Christian mom / 197. How to Talk to Your Adult Kids with Respect (Even When You Disagree)
Transcript
- 0:07[SPEAKER_00]: Christian Parenting.
- 0:12[SPEAKER_00]: Hey mama, I'm Pamela Hinkelman and you're listening to the Midlife Mama Podcast.
- 0:17[SPEAKER_00]: The show for Christian moms who want to let go with grace and actually enjoy their empty nest.
- 0:23[SPEAKER_00]: I'm a certified emptiness coach, speaker, and mom of five grown kids.
- 0:29[SPEAKER_00]: I know the challenges this season brings from letting go to setting healthy boundaries, to rediscovering your purpose, and reconnecting with your husband.
- 0:38[SPEAKER_00]: Each week I'll be here guide.
- 0:39[SPEAKER_00]: offering heartfelt conversations, faith-filled encouragement and practical strategies to help you thrive in this next chapter.
- 0:47[SPEAKER_00]: My husband and I are loving the emptiness years and I have strong growing relationships with my adult kids and I want the same for you.
- 0:55[SPEAKER_00]: Don't miss the end of each episode.
- 0:57[SPEAKER_00]: I'll share a quick coaching tip you can apply right away to improve your relationship with your kids or your spouse.
- 1:04[SPEAKER_00]: One favorite before we dive in.
- 1:06[SPEAKER_00]: If you find this episode helpful, would you leave a rating and review and helps other moms discover the show.
- 1:13[SPEAKER_00]: There's a link in the show notes with instructions.
- 1:15[SPEAKER_00]: Make sure you're following the podcast so you don't miss a single episode.
- 1:19[SPEAKER_00]: Now, let's get started.
- 1:21[SPEAKER_00]: Hey mama, welcome back to the Midlife Mama podcast, the place for faith, friendship, and real talk for empty-nessed moms.
- 1:29[SPEAKER_00]: Let's be honest, when our adult kids come home for the holidays, it's not always sugar cookies and cozy by your side chats.
- 1:36[SPEAKER_00]: Sometimes the conversations take a sharp turn into territory we'd rather avoid politics, faith, social issues, you know, the elephant in the room.
- 1:46[SPEAKER_00]: But here's the truth.
- 1:47[SPEAKER_00]: We don't have to fear these conversations.
- 1:50[SPEAKER_00]: We can approach them with grace, curiosity, and respect.
- 1:54[SPEAKER_00]: Because when we model the love of Jesus, even hard conversations can strengthen our relationships instead of breaking them down.
- 2:01[SPEAKER_00]: Today we're talking about how to handle 10 topics with your grown kids in a way that builds trust and keeps peace in your home.
- 2:09[SPEAKER_00]: I'll share a personal story from my own family and some practical, faith-based tools you can use when opinions clash around the holiday table.
- 2:17[SPEAKER_00]: So grab your coffee mama and let's lean in together.
- 2:20[SPEAKER_00]: You might just find that respect is the secret ingredient to a peaceful holiday season.
- 2:27[SPEAKER_00]: So have you ever had to tackle a tough conversation with your adult child?
- 2:31[SPEAKER_00]: Of course you have.
- 2:32[SPEAKER_00]: You know the kind where you know you're going to disagree.
- 2:36[SPEAKER_00]: And often we like to avoid these situations.
- 2:39[SPEAKER_00]: We'd rather hide than confront.
- 2:41[SPEAKER_00]: Listen mama, I have been there.
- 2:42[SPEAKER_00]: We're afraid we'll be disappointed when we hear our child's perspective.
- 2:47[SPEAKER_00]: But what if there were an easier way to handle these tense moments?
- 2:52[SPEAKER_00]: When we lean into respect, we'll find peace.
- 2:56[SPEAKER_00]: A couple years ago, my husband and I spent a weekend in Minnesota for a family reunion and then we returned to our son's home for an overnight stay.
- 3:04[SPEAKER_00]: And it was nearing the end of our visit as we gather at our son's dining room table and his younger sister joined us.
- 3:10[SPEAKER_00]: These two are basically the male and female versions of each other.
- 3:13[SPEAKER_00]: They have a deep bond.
- 3:14[SPEAKER_00]: They see the world similarly.
- 3:16[SPEAKER_00]: They have the same political
- 3:23[SPEAKER_00]: and value uniqueness.
- 3:25[SPEAKER_00]: We had successfully avoided the elephant in the room all weekend, but it was time to discuss the overturning of Roe versus Wayne, social media and the news were a buzz, and we knew we'd need to address our grown kids.
- 3:38[SPEAKER_00]: It was time for a complicated conversation.
- 3:42[SPEAKER_00]: So was I a little nervous?
- 3:43[SPEAKER_00]: Yes, I was.
- 3:45[SPEAKER_00]: But with warmth and compassion, we leaned in and he listened.
- 3:49[SPEAKER_00]: We didn't judge, condemn, or belittle their opinion.
- 3:53[SPEAKER_00]: It was a civil conversation as we each took turns sharing our hearts on the matter.
- 3:58[SPEAKER_00]: We have polar opposite perspectives, but we were able to remain civil.
- 4:03[SPEAKER_00]: And when we were done, we embraced and honored each other, and I could sense God's delight in that moment.
- 4:10[SPEAKER_00]: We will all face tough conversations with our adult children where we'll want to argue, be little, or be angry about their perspective.
- 4:18[SPEAKER_00]: But that gets us nowhere fast.
- 4:20[SPEAKER_00]: When we argue, we become defensive quickly.
- 4:23[SPEAKER_00]: But when we practice respect, we won't experience
- 4:30[SPEAKER_00]: We need to remember that respect is about the way we treat people.
- 4:34[SPEAKER_00]: We need tenderness, humility, and gracious good manners.
- 4:38[SPEAKER_00]: We need to be focused, interested, and calm.
- 4:41[SPEAKER_00]: It sounds a lot like Jesus doesn't it.
- 4:44[SPEAKER_00]: In the Gospel of Matthew, we are given this charge.
- 4:47[SPEAKER_00]: So in everything, do two others, what you would have them do to you for this sums up the law and the prophets, Matthew 7, 12.
- 4:56[SPEAKER_00]: In our relationships, we are called to treat others the way we want to be treated.
- 5:01[SPEAKER_00]: Parents of adult children sometimes miss the step of respect, because we've forgotten that our role has shifted with our kids.
- 5:10[SPEAKER_00]: We've spent decades barking orders and disciplining our children on what they should believe about church, culture, and God.
- 5:17[SPEAKER_00]: This is no longer our place, once our children reach adulthood.
- 5:21[SPEAKER_00]: Our grown kids are responsible for their own choices before God and we're accountable to be Christ-like when we interact with them.
- 5:30[SPEAKER_00]: Hey Mama, if your house feels too quiet and your heart feels too heavy after launching your child, I've created a guide just for you.
- 5:39[SPEAKER_00]: It's called journaling through transitional grief.
- 5:42[SPEAKER_00]: A gentle, faith-filled resource to help you process the deep of motions of letting go.
- 5:49[SPEAKER_00]: Inside, you'll find six reflection questions that will help you name your feelings, invite God into the grief and experience his comfort in the middle of change.
- 5:58[SPEAKER_00]: Remember,
- 5:59[SPEAKER_00]: Transitional grief is only a season and God is leading you toward peace, purpose, and joy.
- 6:06[SPEAKER_00]: You can grab your free copy at the link in the show notes.
- 6:09[SPEAKER_00]: Now, let's get back to our conversation.
- 6:12[SPEAKER_00]: So, let's talk about a few ways that we can talk to our grown children with respect and why it matters.
- 6:21[SPEAKER_00]: The first thing you need to do is establish trust through listening.
- 6:25[SPEAKER_00]: I say it around here all the time.
- 6:28[SPEAKER_00]: Zip it, zip that mouth, and listen more.
- 6:33[SPEAKER_00]: The sureest way to communicate respect is to be an effective listener.
- 6:37[SPEAKER_00]: Remember, listening is not a green.
- 6:41[SPEAKER_00]: It's merely a way to honor the one you're with.
- 6:44[SPEAKER_00]: Listening to your child's perspectives will show them that you care.
- 6:50[SPEAKER_00]: and you are also free to share your own opinions as well, but please do the soul with tenderness and without judgment.
- 6:59[SPEAKER_00]: The second step!
- 7:01[SPEAKER_00]: Tip you need to know is that we are called to love.
- 7:05[SPEAKER_00]: When you practice respect, it communicates to your child that his feelings and perspective matter.
- 7:11[SPEAKER_00]: On your own, you may not be able to do this, especially when you disagree, but Christ's love compels you to give reference even when you disagree with what your child says.
- 7:22[SPEAKER_00]: Love is the glue that keeps families together.
- 7:25[SPEAKER_00]: The third tip is to value relationship over competition.
- 7:29[SPEAKER_00]: Often, when you disagree with someone, you want to win them over or win the argument.
- 7:35[SPEAKER_00]: But every conversation doesn't have to have a winner and a loser.
- 7:39[SPEAKER_00]: Instead, when you prioritize the relationship over competition, you can approach it with compassion and tenderness.
- 7:47[SPEAKER_00]: Everyone wins when respect is part of the conversation.
- 7:52[SPEAKER_00]: To maintain a strong relationship with your adult child, each interaction should be marked by respect.
- 7:59[SPEAKER_00]: Tenderness, good manners, and humility will usher in the peace you long for, and as you establish trust through listening well, love unconditionally and value relationships over competition, you'll experience more harmony with your adult child.
- 8:15[SPEAKER_00]: We are invited to act like Jesus.
- 8:19[SPEAKER_00]: friend, here's the good news.
- 8:21[SPEAKER_00]: You don't have to agree with your adult child to love them well.
- 8:24[SPEAKER_00]: And I think that's the thing that trips us up the most.
- 8:27[SPEAKER_00]: We think if we sit there, listen to their perspective and not say something, it means we agree.
- 8:38[SPEAKER_00]: But we need to remember that our adult kids know where we stand on these issues.
- 8:42[SPEAKER_00]: They were raised in our homes.
- 8:44[SPEAKER_00]: They know that we haven't changed perspective.
- 8:47[SPEAKER_00]: And so don't be afraid of listening.
- 8:50[SPEAKER_00]: It doesn't mean you're green.
- 8:51[SPEAKER_00]: Respect doesn't mean that you compromise your convictions.
- 8:56[SPEAKER_00]: It means that you choose tenderness, humility, and good manners, over tension, and control.
- 9:02[SPEAKER_00]: That you gather this holiday season.
- 9:04[SPEAKER_00]: Remember that your role has shifted.
- 9:06[SPEAKER_00]: You are no longer the one directing every decision.
- 9:09[SPEAKER_00]: You're the one modeling Christ's love through your listening, patience and gentle spirit.
- 9:15[SPEAKER_00]: When you listen without judgment, when you choose love over being right, and when you value the relationship more than the outcome, you're showing your children what Jesus looks like in real life.
- 9:27[SPEAKER_00]: So before you head into the next tough conversation, whisper a simple prayer, Lord, help me to listen like you, help me to love like you, because when you do, peace will fill your heart and your home.
- 9:41[SPEAKER_00]: Until next time, Grace and Peace Mama, you've got this and God's got you.
- 9:47[SPEAKER_00]: Thanks for spending time with me on the Midlife Mama Podcast.
- 9:49[SPEAKER_00]: I hope you leave each episode feeling a little more encouraged, equipped, and seen, because that's what this space is all about.
- 9:56[SPEAKER_00]: Through the stories, insights, and conversations we share here, I'm coaching you through the ups and downs of the empty nest.
- 10:03[SPEAKER_00]: Helping you rediscover purpose, deepen faith, and enjoy this new season of life.
- 10:08[SPEAKER_00]: If you're ready for an even more personalized support, I'd love to invite you to book a free connection column.
- 10:14[SPEAKER_00]: The link is in the show notes and we'll talk about how I can walk along side you as your coach.
- 10:19[SPEAKER_00]: And let's stay connected.
- 10:20[SPEAKER_00]: Follow me on Instagram at P.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H