Latest / The Burnout Podcast with Fexingo: Workplace Exhaustion, Recovery, and Sustainable Careers / How Burnout Rewrites Your Relationship with Power
Transcript
- Lucas: There's a moment in every burnout story that doesn't get talked about enough. It's not the exhaustion itself, or the missed deadlines, or the Sunday night dread. It's the quiet way you stop disagreeing with people. Luna: Oh, that's such a specific thing. What do you mean by that? Lucas: So I was reading a piece from the Harvard Business Review, and they had a survey from a couple of years ago, 2024, with over 2,300 professionals. And they found something striking: more than 60 percent of people who identified as chronically exhausted reported that they had become more passive in their decisions at work. They avoided confrontation, they deferred to others even when they fundamentally disagreed. And I think that's the part of burnout that nobody warns you about. Luna: Yeah, we talk about the physical and emotional toll, but that shift in how you wield your own voice, that's almost a personality change. Lucas: Exactly. And it's not just personality. There's a real psychological mechanism behind it. When you're running on empty, your brain is conserving resources. Disagreeing with someone, especially a manager or a client, takes cognitive effort. It requires you to hold your ground, anticipate their reaction, and articulate your reasoning. When you're depleted, that cost feels enormous. So you just nod. Luna: And nodding becomes a habit. You start to do it even when you know it's not what you really think. Lucas: That's the frightening part. It stops being a conscious choice and becomes automatic. I remember a friend of mine, a product manager, she told me that she used to be the person who would push back on feature requests, who would say 'this scope is too big' and mean it. After about eight months of overwork, she found herself just agreeing to everything in meetings. She'd come out and think 'why did I just say yes to that?' but she couldn't stop herself. Luna: And that's where the guilt comes in. Because you know you're not being true to yourself, but you're too tired to do anything about it. Lucas: Right. And that's what makes this so insidious. It's not just that burnout makes you feel powerless, it actually changes your behavior in ways that reinforce that powerlessness. You stop taking stands, so you stop getting the wins, so you have fewer reasons to feel confident, so you withdraw even more. It's a feedback loop. Luna: And it's not just about confrontation. It's about the everyday decisions where you defer to someone else's judgment. Like, you let a colleague decide the approach, or you don't volunteer your idea in a brainstorming session. Lucas: Exactly. The HBR survey actually found that this passivity showed up in a lot of subtle ways. People reported being less likely to negotiate for a raise or a promotion, less likely to volunteer for stretch assignments, and even less likely to speak up in meetings. They were also less likely to push back on unrealistic deadlines. It's like the burnout erodes your sense of agency across the board. Luna: So how do you even start to notice that this is happening to you? Because it's such a gradual shift, I feel like you wouldn't realize it until you're already deep in it. Lucas: That's a great question. And I think one signal is if you find yourself thinking 'it's not worth the fight' more often than you used to. There's a difference between choosing your battles and avoiding every battle because you're too tired to engage. And another signal is if you're constantly surprised by decisions that are made around you, as if you had no input at all. Luna: That's such a good point. Like, if you're not even in the room where the decision happens, not because you're excluded, but because you didn't assert your presence. Lucas: Right. And that's where the distinction between healthy delegation and learned helplessness becomes so important. Healthy delegation is a choice. You're consciously deciding to trust someone else to handle something. Learned helplessness is when you stop even considering that you have a choice. You just assume that your voice doesn't matter. Luna: And that's a hard line to walk, because sometimes delegation is exactly what you need to recover from burnout. You can't do everything yourself. Lucas: Absolutely. And that's the paradox. The answer isn't to just start fighting every battle again. You're exhausted, and you need to conserve energy. But you also need to protect the parts of your work that give you a sense of meaning and control. So it's about being strategic about where you invest your limited energy. Luna: So what does that look like in practice? Like, what's a first step someone could take this week? Lucas: I'd say start with one small thing. Pick one decision that matters to you, one that you've been deferring on, and prepare for it in advance. Write down what you want to say, practice it, maybe even role-play it with a friend. The idea is to reduce the cognitive cost of speaking up. When you've already thought through your argument, you don't have to do it on the spot. Luna: That makes sense. You're basically pre-loading the energy you need to have the conversation. Lucas: Exactly. And there's some research on this too. There was a study on negotiation that found that people who prepared a script in advance were much more likely to advocate for themselves, even under stress. So it's not about faking confidence; it's about preparing the groundwork so that you don't have to think on your feet. Luna: I love that. And this is actually something that has helped me personally. When I'm feeling burned out, I tend to avoid conflict, but if I write down my key points before a meeting, I at least have that safety net. Lucas: And you know, that's also where a lot of this comes back to the idea of power. Because when you're burned out, you feel like you have no power. But power is not a fixed thing, it's a perception. And you can rebuild that perception, even in small ways. Luna: And that's such an important message for our listeners who might be feeling exactly that right now. You know, if this episode has helped you think about your own relationship with power at work, or if you've had a moment of recognition, we'd love to hear from you. And if you've gotten some value out of the show, we'd be grateful if you considered supporting us. It's what keeps us ad-free and independent. If today's conversation was worth a coffee to you, that's the link, buy me a coffee dot com slash fexingo. No pressure, only if it feels right. Lucas: Yeah, that's a nice way to put it. And honestly, we appreciate every listener, whether you support us or not. But moving on, I want to talk about another layer of this, which is how burnout changes your relationship with the people who have power over you. Luna: Like your boss, or your client, or even the senior leadership team. Lucas: Right. And I think that's where the fear really kicks in. When you're exhausted, you're more likely to see those power figures as threatening. There was a study from a few years back that showed that sleep deprivation increases activity in the amygdala, which is the fear center of the brain. So you're literally more primed to perceive threats, especially from people who have authority over you. Luna: That explains why a simple request from your manager can feel like an attack when you're running on fumes. Lucas: Yes. And that's not a character flaw, it's biology. But it means that your default response is going to be to retreat, to appease, to say yes to anything just to reduce the perceived threat. And that's a survival mechanism, not a career strategy. Luna: So how do you override that instinct? Because you can't just tell your amygdala to calm down. Lucas: You can't. But you can build in a buffer. One technique is to delay your response. If your manager asks for something and you immediately want to say 'yes, sure, no problem,' just say 'let me think about that and get back to you.' That gives you time to process it without the pressure of the moment. It's a small move, but it puts a little bit of control back in your hands. Luna: And it also signals that you're not just an order-taker, that you're actually considering the request. That can change the dynamic. Lucas: Exactly. And it's a way to protect your boundaries without being confrontational. You're not saying no, you're saying 'I need a moment to process.' And that's a reasonable thing to ask for, no matter how burned out you are. Luna: I think that's a really practical takeaway. But I also want to talk about the flip side, which is when you're the one with the power. Like if you're a manager and you're seeing this in your team, what should you do? Lucas: That's a great point. Because burnout is contagious in a way. If you're a leader, you might be creating an environment where people feel like they can't push back. And that's a problem, because you're losing out on their ideas and their honest feedback. Luna: What's the sign that you're doing that, even unintentionally? Lucas: If you're constantly hearing 'yes' from your team, and not in a good way. If you propose something and nobody pushes back, that's a red flag. It might mean they're too exhausted to challenge you. And that's when you miss the chance to catch problems early. Lucas: So as a leader, you need to actively create space for dissent. Ask specifically for the pushback. Say 'what am I missing here?' and mean it. If you make it safe for people to disagree, you'll get better decisions and you'll also help your team feel more empowered, which can actually reduce burnout. Luna: That's such a great insight. I've been on teams where the manager said 'I want you to challenge me' but then got defensive when someone did. So it has to be genuine. Lucas: Absolutely. And it's a skill. But I think the more we talk about this, the more we realize that burnout isn't just an individual problem, it's a systemic one. And our relationship with power sits right at the intersection. Luna: So what's the one thing you want listeners to take away from this episode? Lucas: I think it's that the loss of your voice is not a sign of weakness, it's a symptom of exhaustion. And like any symptom, it can be addressed. Start by noticing where you're deferring, pick one small moment to reclaim, and prepare for it. That's how you start to rebuild your sense of power, one conversation at a time. Luna: That's a hopeful note to end on. Thanks for having this conversation with me, Lucas. And to our listeners, if you're in the thick of burnout, please be gentle with yourself. Rebuilding takes time. Lucas: And we'll be here with you along the way. Until next time.