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My Friend's Husband Tried to Kiss Me! · Therapy Thursday with Ellen K

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: A few of us had been out together as a group.
• 0:04
  Speaker 1: And at the end of the night, his wife left
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: before he did. And, you know, we ended up all
• 0:11
  Speaker 1: hanging out for a while. And Thomas and I were
• 0:15
  Speaker 1: saying goodbye. And when we were hugging to say goodbye,
• 0:18
  Speaker 1: he like leaned in suddenly and tried to kiss me.
• 0:27
  Speaker 2: Mental health is everything. You know what they say? Health
• 0:29
  Speaker 2: is everything, and that goes for mental health. I think
• 0:31
  Speaker 2: we always think it's our bodies, but it's our minds.
• 0:34
  Speaker 2: It's our minds and our bodies.
• 0:35
  Speaker 3: And they feed into the other. If we have poor
• 0:38
  Speaker 3: mental health, a lot of times it can show up.
• 0:41
  Speaker 4: Migraines. I don't know.
• 0:43
  Speaker 5: That's how mine shows up. And think of when you
• 0:44
  Speaker 5: don't feel well physically. Mentally, you're trashed.
• 0:47
  Speaker 3: Of course. Yeah.
• 0:49
  Speaker 6: I would argue that we are our brains. Our brains
• 0:51
  Speaker 6: are us. Our body is really just a shell that
• 0:53
  Speaker 6: we need to keep in fine working order. But what
• 0:56
  Speaker 6: makes us us?
• 0:57
  Speaker 3: This. Your brain. Our noggin. Yeah.
• 0:59
  Speaker 5: Yeah.
• 1:00
  Speaker 3: Definitely.
• 1:00
  Speaker 2: One of my friends once said that attraction and sex
• 1:06
  Speaker 2: are only in the brain.
• 1:07
  Speaker 5: It's not physical.
• 1:09
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 1:09
  Speaker 5: And it's just mental and brain.
• 1:12
  Speaker 3: Yeah, I've heard it described that the primary sex organ
• 1:15
  Speaker 3: is actually the brain.
• 1:16
  Speaker 5: And do you agree?
• 1:17
  Speaker 1: I do.
• 1:17
  Speaker 5: Okay.
• 1:18
  Speaker 4: I absolutely do.
• 1:20
  Speaker 5: Says the one with a giant brain. Sarah Dash Mensa. Yeah, okay.
• 1:29
  Speaker 2: So have you ever been attracted to someone who's not smart?
• 1:34
  Speaker 4: I don't think so. I really don't.
• 1:36
  Speaker 6: I think I've seen people.
• 1:38
  Speaker 3: Yeah, for guys.
• 1:38
  Speaker 5: I don't think guys have the same filter.
• 1:41
  Speaker 3: No. Yeah.
• 1:42
  Speaker 5: Occasionally.
• 1:42
  Speaker 6: And look, I'm just going to admit this. I mean,
• 1:44
  Speaker 6: I think sometimes there are smart men that look for that.
• 1:48
  Speaker 4: For women who are not.
• 1:49
  Speaker 6: Yeah, you're not looking to build a life with them,
• 1:51
  Speaker 6: but it's just like, okay, well, that's easy.
• 1:53
  Speaker 5: You don't mind if they don't have anything to say.
• 1:55
  Speaker 6: Not at all.
• 1:55
  Speaker 5: Because that's not what it's about for that particular date.
• 1:58
  Speaker 3: Okay. You know what I think it's tied to? I
• 2:00
  Speaker 3: think that people who are very smart, or I should say,
• 2:02
  Speaker 3: let me reverse that. People who are very funny. also
• 2:06
  Speaker 3: tend to be very smart. And humor is a big
• 2:09
  Speaker 3: deal in attraction, maybe more for women than for men.
• 2:12
  Speaker 4: I would like, why, why in, why in.
• 2:15
  Speaker 5: Why in, why in, like for you to weigh in.
• 2:19
  Speaker 4: On this, but I don't know. I think that's, I
• 2:20
  Speaker 4: think maybe that's the component.
• 2:22
  Speaker 3: Is if you're not intellectually compatible, your humor may not
• 2:26
  Speaker 3: be compatible either.
• 2:28
  Speaker 6: Oh, yeah.
• 2:28
  Speaker 5: That's right.
• 2:29
  Speaker 6: I find that true.
• 2:29
  Speaker 5: You get the same things.
• 2:31
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 2:32
  Speaker 5: Well, you guys ready for Amelia?
• 2:34
  Speaker 6: Let's do it.
• 2:35
  Speaker 3: All right.
• 2:35
  Speaker 5: Hey, Amelia.
• 2:36
  Speaker 1: Hey, how's it going?
• 2:38
  Speaker 2: Hey, we're doing good. You're on with our licensed therapist,
• 2:42
  Speaker 2: Sarah Dash.
• 2:44
  Speaker 1: Hello, Sarah. Thank you for being here with me.
• 2:47
  Speaker 3: Of course.
• 2:47
  Speaker 4: Hi, Amelia. How are you doing today?
• 2:50
  Speaker 1: I'm doing okay. Okay. I'm anxious though. And I'm like,
• 2:56
  Speaker 1: like worried about my situation.
• 2:59
  Speaker 4: All right. Tell us about your situation.
• 3:04
  Speaker 1: So my best friend's husband, Thomas tried to kiss me.
• 3:10
  Speaker 4: Okay.
• 3:12
  Speaker 1: And a few of us had been out together as
• 3:16
  Speaker 1: a group. And at the end of the night, His
• 3:19
  Speaker 1: wife left before he did. And, you know, we ended
• 3:23
  Speaker 1: up all hanging out for a while. And Thomas and
• 3:27
  Speaker 1: I were saying goodbye. And when we were hugging to
• 3:30
  Speaker 1: say goodbye, he like leaned in suddenly and tried to
• 3:34
  Speaker 1: kiss me. I immediately pulled away and told them, what
• 3:37
  Speaker 1: are you doing? And I mean, I was just uncomfortable.
• 3:41
  Speaker 1: We left right away. The next morning he called to apologize.
• 3:46
  Speaker 1: He said, you know, he'd had too much to drink.
• 3:48
  Speaker 1: He was just misreading the whole moment and that he
• 3:51
  Speaker 1: felt terrible. And he begged me not to tell his
• 3:54
  Speaker 1: wife because nothing actually happened and it would only hurt
• 3:58
  Speaker 1: her and possibly destroy their marriage. But something did happen.
• 4:03
  Speaker 1: He tried to kiss his wife's friend. Right.
• 4:07
  Speaker 4: Well, no kiss does not equal no betrayal. Exactly.
• 4:12
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 4:12
  Speaker 1: That's what I, what I'm getting at is like, yeah, we,
• 4:16
  Speaker 1: nothing happened. Like, contact but the the intention was there
• 4:22
  Speaker 1: yes and I can't look at her that I can't
• 4:24
  Speaker 1: it's been so awkward for me every time I'm around
• 4:27
  Speaker 1: her I feel like I'm lying to her face I
• 4:30
  Speaker 1: feel like like whenever she talks about Thomas and their
• 4:34
  Speaker 1: marriage and their future while I'm sitting there holding this
• 4:36
  Speaker 1: like secret inside it's it's hard it's killing me and
• 4:40
  Speaker 1: if I tell her it'll blow and probably blow up our,
• 4:43
  Speaker 1: our friendship and their marriage. And I don't want to
• 4:46
  Speaker 1: lose my friend. If I stay quiet, I feel like
• 4:49
  Speaker 1: I'm protecting him instead of her. And that's like hurting
• 4:54
  Speaker 1: me with the loyalty thing, you.
• 4:55
  Speaker 2: Know, and maybe you're protecting them.
• 4:59
  Speaker 1: Well, that too, because before this night, like Thomas and
• 5:02
  Speaker 1: I have been friends, you know, obviously we hug each
• 5:05
  Speaker 1: other goodbye. Like we're friends.
• 5:06
  Speaker 4: Has he ever been inappropriate in the past?
• 5:10
  Speaker 1: No, I think like art, you know how when you
• 5:12
  Speaker 1: have an old friend group and you're so comfortable with
• 5:15
  Speaker 1: one another and it's like you're all hugging each other,
• 5:18
  Speaker 1: that's fine. But it's never been like or joking about
• 5:22
  Speaker 1: things is one thing when your other when their spouse
• 5:25
  Speaker 1: is in the same room. Like, yeah, she does look
• 5:28
  Speaker 1: nice tonight. Wink, wink. But like things like that. But
• 5:30
  Speaker 1: it's not no actionable situation has ever occurred.
• 5:35
  Speaker 4: OK, Amelia, what are you most afraid of?
• 5:39
  Speaker 1: Honestly, I'm most afraid of destroying my friend in any way,
• 5:45
  Speaker 1: whether it's with information about her husband and then it
• 5:49
  Speaker 1: blowing up their marriage and telling her something and it being,
• 5:53
  Speaker 1: you know, on me, like her blaming me. See, I'm
• 5:58
  Speaker 1: freaking out about this. I don't want to lose her.
• 6:00
  Speaker 1: We've been friends forever and we plan to be.
• 6:03
  Speaker 3: Well, listen, Amelia, Thomas created this situation, right? And now
• 6:08
  Speaker 3: he's asking you to basically manage the consequences of what
• 6:13
  Speaker 3: he did.
• 6:13
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 6:15
  Speaker 4: And you're sort of taking on the responsibility.
• 6:18
  Speaker 3: I don't know if you're doing it consciously, but you've
• 6:20
  Speaker 3: taken on the responsibility for his inappropriate behavior.
• 6:26
  Speaker 1: I tend to do that. I'm a people pleaser. I
• 6:28
  Speaker 1: tend to put the burden on myself a lot.
• 6:30
  Speaker 6: Yeah, but this one's pretty messed up. Look, he made
• 6:33
  Speaker 6: the mistake, right? Then he got to apologize. Then he
• 6:37
  Speaker 6: got to go home and pretend everything was fine. And
• 6:38
  Speaker 6: now you're the one kind of stuck with the guilt.
• 6:40
  Speaker 6: You got thrown into this situation completely against your will.
• 6:43
  Speaker 6: And now you're the one handling the punishment.
• 6:46
  Speaker 4: And Ryan, he's framing secrecy as compassion. And that's ridiculous.
• 6:51
  Speaker 6: Oh, you're right.
• 6:52
  Speaker 3: Yep.
• 6:53
  Speaker 4: It's absurd.
• 6:54
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 6:55
  Speaker 4: And he's also minimizing it.
• 6:56
  Speaker 5: He's totally minimizing it.
• 7:00
  Speaker 6: I mean, technically, technically, if we're being technical.
• 7:04
  Speaker 5: Yes.
• 7:05
  Speaker 6: He did it.
• 7:06
  Speaker 5: Okay, listen. Okay, I know what you're going to say.
• 7:08
  Speaker 5: Did they kiss?
• 7:09
  Speaker 6: Did he cheat on his wife?
• 7:10
  Speaker 5: No, they didn't, but he sure did try.
• 7:12
  Speaker 3: Okay, the most important, I mean, the most important, the
• 7:15
  Speaker 3: most disturbing thing about this so-called apology is when he
• 7:19
  Speaker 3: says he misread something.
• 7:21
  Speaker 4: The signals. That's weird.
• 7:23
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 7:24
  Speaker 4: That's not saying I was drunk. I was just so
• 7:27
  Speaker 4: out of it. I barely remember what happened. Okay.
• 7:29
  Speaker 3: Alcohol affects impulse control and judgment. But when he says
• 7:32
  Speaker 3: he misread the situation, what? If she'd been up for it,
• 7:35
  Speaker 3: it wouldn't have been a problem?
• 7:36
  Speaker 2: It absolutely would have happened had you been his willing participant.
• 7:41
  Speaker 2: And maybe it hasn't even been you before. Maybe it's
• 7:44
  Speaker 2: who knows how many he's tried this with and succeeded.
• 7:48
  Speaker 3: Right.
• 7:49
  Speaker 1: I feel like he only sent the apology text because
• 7:53
  Speaker 1: I pushed back so hard and I was offended.
• 7:56
  Speaker 6: He's not sorry he tried. Now he's sorry because you
• 7:59
  Speaker 6: didn't want it.
• 8:00
  Speaker 3: Right.
• 8:02
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 8:04
  Speaker 5: Whoa. Does he have a reputation like that?
• 8:09
  Speaker 1: You know what? I don't believe so. I've talked to
• 8:12
  Speaker 1: a couple of other people in our group and no
• 8:14
  Speaker 1: one said anything about that. But, you know, at this point,
• 8:17
  Speaker 1: maybe he's asked people to keep their mouth shut, too.
• 8:20
  Speaker 5: Oh, right. Do you think that your friend, his wife,
• 8:26
  Speaker 5: suspects him of bad behavior?
• 8:28
  Speaker 3: No.
• 8:30
  Speaker 1: No, not at all. We went to, seriously, we went
• 8:33
  Speaker 1: to a girls' night for drinks the other night. And,
• 8:35
  Speaker 1: I mean, they were talking, she was talking about their
• 8:38
  Speaker 1: plans for the holidays and all the things and the gifts.
• 8:42
  Speaker 1: She beams when she talks about him. There's no suspicion.
• 8:45
  Speaker 4: Okay.
• 8:46
  Speaker 6: Is there, Sarah, would you as the professional here, the LMFT,
• 8:49
  Speaker 6: is there ever a situation in which keeping something like
• 8:53
  Speaker 6: this silent is the kindest thing to do?
• 8:56
  Speaker 3: I don't ever think it's the kindest thing to do.
• 8:58
  Speaker 3: I do think if there's safety concerns, it can be
• 9:01
  Speaker 3: the most appropriate thing to do.
• 9:03
  Speaker 5: Just to stay silent.
• 9:04
  Speaker 3: Yeah. Well, like if you're afraid of somebody, if you're thinking,
• 9:09
  Speaker 3: I don't think that's what's going on here. I mean,
• 9:11
  Speaker 3: that's just sort of part of what I would assess
• 9:14
  Speaker 3: for as a clinician. If somebody was asking me this,
• 9:17
  Speaker 3: you always want to assess for safety.
• 9:19
  Speaker 4: This is not that case.
• 9:20
  Speaker 3: And I don't think it's about protecting anybody. It's about
• 9:25
  Speaker 3: Are you willing to withhold information from your close friend
• 9:29
  Speaker 3: that would likely.
• 9:30
  Speaker 4: Matter to her?
• 9:32
  Speaker 6: So is her silence betrayal?
• 9:35
  Speaker 4: I believe it is.
• 9:36
  Speaker 2: Ellen?
• 9:38
  Speaker 5: I believe it is.
• 9:39
  Speaker 4: What do you think?
• 9:41
  Speaker 6: Well, I know, sir, because I don't like to hear
• 9:44
  Speaker 6: from you. I don't see a path forward here that
• 9:49
  Speaker 6: ends well for anybody if she says anything. So it's
• 9:51
  Speaker 6: a double betrayal, right? For her friend. Listen, Amelia's Amelia's
• 9:55
  Speaker 6: friend is going to find out two things at the
• 9:56
  Speaker 6: same time that her husband tried to cheat on her.
• 9:59
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 9:59
  Speaker 6: And then she's been sitting there across from her at
• 10:01
  Speaker 6: brunch for, I don't know, six months and hasn't said
• 10:04
  Speaker 6: a word. That's a double. I hate both of you now.
• 10:07
  Speaker 4: How long has it been, Amelia, since this happened?
• 10:12
  Speaker 1: About a week.
• 10:12
  Speaker 4: Okay.
• 10:13
  Speaker 1: Oh, it's fresh.
• 10:14
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 10:14
  Speaker 4: It's fresh. Ryan, would you want to know?
• 10:16
  Speaker 3: Hmm.
• 10:18
  Speaker 5: It's only a week. And there haven't been.
• 10:21
  Speaker 6: If it's only a week.
• 10:21
  Speaker 5: I mean, it sounds like they had drinks after.
• 10:23
  Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah.
• 10:23
  Speaker 6: No, I'd want to know. I'd want to know. I
• 10:25
  Speaker 6: think it gets worse with time. So I do think
• 10:27
  Speaker 6: you're in a pocket. Absolutely gets worse with time. I
• 10:28
  Speaker 6: think you're in a pocket right now where if you're
• 10:30
  Speaker 6: going to say something, pull that trigger. Because if this,
• 10:33
  Speaker 6: like I said, gets to be six months and you go, hey,
• 10:35
  Speaker 6: I got something to tell you.
• 10:36
  Speaker 5: Yeah, then that's really crappy.
• 10:38
  Speaker 3: No, no, no.
• 10:38
  Speaker 4: Don't do that.
• 10:39
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 10:39
  Speaker 1: Well, and that's the other thing. I... am also married
• 10:43
  Speaker 1: and I already told my husband and he's a part
• 10:46
  Speaker 1: of the group. And I've, he's not, we had a
• 10:52
  Speaker 1: night where there was a lot of anger and a
• 10:54
  Speaker 1: lot of discussion between the two of us. And I
• 10:57
  Speaker 1: did explain that there's, there was no, like you had mentioned,
• 11:00
  Speaker 1: there's no signal I gave. There was nothing like that.
• 11:03
  Speaker 1: It wasn't that way. And he read the apology, the
• 11:07
  Speaker 1: apology text. And he was like, well, you need to tell,
• 11:11
  Speaker 1: your friend.
• 11:14
  Speaker 5: I'm shocked that he hasn't, that he hasn't busted.
• 11:17
  Speaker 3: Interesting.
• 11:18
  Speaker 2: Thomas, I'm shocked that he hasn't as a guy been
• 11:22
  Speaker 2: so like overreactive that he would go like, is that
• 11:25
  Speaker 2: something you would do, Ryan? Say your girlfriend showed you
• 11:29
  Speaker 2: an apology from someone who made a pass at her.
• 11:32
  Speaker 6: Yeah.
• 11:32
  Speaker 5: Would you not go directly to the guy?
• 11:34
  Speaker 6: Yeah, I would. I would.
• 11:35
  Speaker 5: I don't know. Would most guys, I mean, as a woman,
• 11:38
  Speaker 5: I would, I would too. So the fact that he's
• 11:42
  Speaker 5: holding back.
• 11:44
  Speaker 1: Seems. I'm not going to say that I, I mean,
• 11:48
  Speaker 1: I gave him, he knows the situation. I didn't, I'm
• 11:52
  Speaker 1: not going to say I minimized it, but I wasn't
• 11:54
  Speaker 1: trying to make any more of a issue for any
• 11:57
  Speaker 1: of us. So I was like, I mean, he, he apologized.
• 12:02
  Speaker 1: He didn't mean it. You know, we had had, you know,
• 12:04
  Speaker 1: all the drinks, but then I, I was, dwelling on
• 12:07
  Speaker 1: that and was like, I feel awful eight ways. Yeah.
• 12:11
  Speaker 4: Would you want to know if it were you?
• 12:15
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 12:15
  Speaker 1: Like, is there, normally I would just, I would just
• 12:20
  Speaker 1: directly tell her she's my best friend for 20 years.
• 12:23
  Speaker 1: I can't keep this from her, but you know, kids
• 12:27
  Speaker 1: and family, and I'm trying to not factor any of
• 12:30
  Speaker 1: that in because you can still have a family and
• 12:33
  Speaker 1: either push through this and work on it together or
• 12:35
  Speaker 1: get a divorce. Do I meet them together? Do I
• 12:38
  Speaker 1: just tell her?
• 12:40
  Speaker 4: Just tell her. Just tell her.
• 12:43
  Speaker 6: Or if you really want to put some fear into
• 12:45
  Speaker 6: Thomas and just kind of put this back on your
• 12:48
  Speaker 6: husband a little bit. And he reaches out and says, hey, look, Thomas,
• 12:51
  Speaker 6: I know what happened. Listen, you're going to tell your
• 12:54
  Speaker 6: wife and you've got 24 hours to do it. Otherwise,
• 12:57
  Speaker 6: Amelia is going to tell her. We've had this discussion.
• 12:59
  Speaker 6: Here's what we're doing. No, Sarah doesn't like this.
• 13:01
  Speaker 1: No, no, no.
• 13:02
  Speaker 4: I don't like that either.
• 13:03
  Speaker 3: I don't think in all circumstances that would be a
• 13:05
  Speaker 3: bad idea. But this, we've already seen Thomas try to
• 13:09
  Speaker 3: control this, manipulate it. Do not let him talk to
• 13:13
  Speaker 3: his wife before you do.
• 13:15
  Speaker 4: I do believe you will be blamed.
• 13:16
  Speaker 2: Because he's going to twist it some kind of way.
• 13:19
  Speaker 2: And then he could put it back on you, Amelia.
• 13:21
  Speaker 2: He could be saying, she came on to me.
• 13:22
  Speaker 4: Exactly.
• 13:23
  Speaker 2: You know, she wanted me and I, you know, I
• 13:26
  Speaker 2: was drunk and she was taking advantage of me. And
• 13:29
  Speaker 2: now she's turning the tables and blah, blah, blah.
• 13:33
  Speaker 1: You guys are giving me heartburn.
• 13:36
  Speaker 5: Oh, no, we want to do the opposite.
• 13:40
  Speaker 1: No, I mean, I'm really I'm I'm hearing every angle
• 13:42
  Speaker 1: because this was me last night up all night. The
• 13:45
  Speaker 1: reason I called because I needed to get all of
• 13:49
  Speaker 1: these angles on this because you're exactly I trying to
• 13:52
  Speaker 1: find the best avenue. And because we've been friends for
• 13:55
  Speaker 1: so long, all of us, I kind of don't. see
• 13:58
  Speaker 1: that like using my husband as part of it as
• 14:02
  Speaker 1: an issue. I think that's actually kind of great to
• 14:05
  Speaker 1: be like he knows.
• 14:08
  Speaker 3: If you were in your friend's position if it were
• 14:10
  Speaker 3: you would you want and expect to be told?
• 14:15
  Speaker 1: I would want to know because I would it's so
• 14:19
  Speaker 1: hard because my husband and I are just very openly
• 14:22
  Speaker 1: communicative about everything so it's hard to say exactly but
• 14:26
  Speaker 1: In her scenario, yes, I would want her best friend
• 14:30
  Speaker 1: to say something.
• 14:31
  Speaker 4: Okay.
• 14:31
  Speaker 3: Which would bother you more, that your husband tried to
• 14:35
  Speaker 3: kiss somebody or that she kept that secret?
• 14:39
  Speaker 1: My husband tried to kiss somebody. Yeah.
• 14:41
  Speaker 5: Me too.
• 14:42
  Speaker 1: Because I would understand that my best friend of 20
• 14:44
  Speaker 1: years was just trying to literally not break my heart.
• 14:48
  Speaker 6: I am talking to three intelligent women right now. Amelia, Ellen,
• 14:52
  Speaker 6: and our licensed therapist.
• 14:53
  Speaker 3: Ryan, when you call me intelligent in that way, I
• 14:55
  Speaker 3: know you're about to say something that.
• 14:56
  Speaker 4: I'm not going to.
• 14:57
  Speaker 5: No, no, no, no.
• 14:58
  Speaker 1: I swear.
• 14:59
  Speaker 6: No, I'm just asking a question. I swear to God,
• 15:01
  Speaker 6: and I want your actual thoughts. But that's funny.
• 15:04
  Speaker 5: We always give you our actual thoughts.
• 15:05
  Speaker 6: Nine times out of ten, you'd be right.
• 15:07
  Speaker 4: It's like, yeah.
• 15:08
  Speaker 6: That's not this time. Would this, in your heart of hearts,
• 15:11
  Speaker 6: be a marriage ender for you? Such a good question.
• 15:15
  Speaker 5: No.
• 15:16
  Speaker 1: For me, that would depend on– I am in therapy.
• 15:19
  Speaker 1: I just want you to know this. It would depend
• 15:22
  Speaker 1: on pattern recognition throughout the duration of the relationship.
• 15:25
  Speaker 3: And it's fair because I don't think one mistake should
• 15:27
  Speaker 3: define somebody's character or marriage.
• 15:30
  Speaker 5: I don't think this is one mistake.
• 15:32
  Speaker 4: That's a good point. See, that's what we don't know.
• 15:33
  Speaker 3: And that's for Amelia's friend to decide, not for Amelia
• 15:39
  Speaker 3: or me or Thomas to decide. Yeah.
• 15:41
  Speaker 5: Mm-hmm.
• 15:43
  Speaker 6: I think I, so I'm not hearing a clear answer,
• 15:46
  Speaker 6: but that's okay because it would depend situationally, right? It
• 15:48
  Speaker 6: would be like.
• 15:49
  Speaker 5: To me, I don't think it would be a deal breaker. Okay.
• 15:52
  Speaker 2: If I, if I discovered this, but I would be
• 15:55
  Speaker 2: analyzing every interaction or when my husband was maybe traveling
• 16:00
  Speaker 2: or whatever, I would, I would really be racking my brain.
• 16:03
  Speaker 2: And I think that I would take him along with
• 16:06
  Speaker 2: me to talk things out, but I, it wouldn't be
• 16:09
  Speaker 2: just a deal breaker.
• 16:10
  Speaker 5: Just like, that's it. You tried to kiss my best friend.
• 16:13
  Speaker 5: while you were drunk.
• 16:14
  Speaker 4: It would be a deal breaker for me.
• 16:16
  Speaker 6: It would for you. Even an attempt, even one failed attempt.
• 16:19
  Speaker 3: An attempt, because I think it says, first of all,
• 16:22
  Speaker 3: it says so much about what's going on in my marriage.
• 16:28
  Speaker 3: Unless my partner was struggling with substance use, addiction, something
• 16:35
  Speaker 3: pretty Serious what's going on. God, I hate to say it,
• 16:39
  Speaker 3: but I think it would. I think it would be
• 16:41
  Speaker 3: that disturbing to me.
• 16:42
  Speaker 5: What about you, Ryan? Deal breaker?
• 16:46
  Speaker 6: No, but it would be, there'd be a lot of
• 16:47
  Speaker 6: repair that would need to follow. A lot of things.
• 16:50
  Speaker 5: Well, trust is broken.
• 16:51
  Speaker 6: Broken. I would be relieved that nothing happened. I could
• 16:55
  Speaker 6: give her that much and go, look, okay, thank God.
• 16:58
  Speaker 2: Right.
• 16:59
  Speaker 6: But we've got some talking and handling to do here.
• 17:02
  Speaker 1: Would you be mad at the friend for withholding that information?
• 17:06
  Speaker 5: Absolutely.
• 17:10
  Speaker 6: You know, Amelia, you're in a really crappy position. I'm
• 17:13
  Speaker 6: not going to lie.
• 17:14
  Speaker 4: A very difficult position.
• 17:15
  Speaker 2: By the way, we both said crappy this podcast, so
• 17:20
  Speaker 2: that word keeps coming up.
• 17:23
  Speaker 6: No, but you really were just thrust into this very
• 17:26
  Speaker 6: unenviable spot, and it sucks for you. Because I don't
• 17:29
  Speaker 6: think there's a real win here. You're going to lose
• 17:31
  Speaker 6: your friend. I think she's going to get mad at you.
• 17:35
  Speaker 6: He's going to be able to, you know, work and
• 17:37
  Speaker 6: worm his way through back to her heart and good graces.
• 17:40
  Speaker 6: She's going to get pissed. You didn't tell her right away.
• 17:42
  Speaker 4: I think, I think, I think a week is okay.
• 17:45
  Speaker 4: I think a month.
• 17:48
  Speaker 1: A month would be a lot, but I, I was
• 17:50
  Speaker 1: in my head, you know, I've been rehearsing this already.
• 17:53
  Speaker 1: So in my head, I've, I've been wanting to start
• 17:56
  Speaker 1: off with like, I have a, taken time only to
• 18:00
  Speaker 1: absorb what happened and to find the best way to
• 18:04
  Speaker 1: communicate this to you. Oh, therapy words.
• 18:06
  Speaker 3: Yes.
• 18:07
  Speaker 5: What if she comes back to you and says, not again?
• 18:10
  Speaker 1: Oh my God, that's a whole other can of worms
• 18:14
  Speaker 1: that we're going to have.
• 18:14
  Speaker 3: To get into.
• 18:15
  Speaker 5: But we don't know their relationship like they do.
• 18:17
  Speaker 3: And that's why I think that your friend deserves this information.
• 18:21
  Speaker 1: I mean, you know what?
• 18:23
  Speaker 4: I mean, Ellen's right. She could be like, oh God.
• 18:26
  Speaker 6: Hate it when he.
• 18:26
  Speaker 3: Does this trying to get him to cut back on
• 18:29
  Speaker 3: his drinking he always makes an ass of himself i
• 18:32
  Speaker 3: mean you never know yeah.
• 18:34
  Speaker 1: That's i mean and we are a drinking group so
• 18:36
  Speaker 1: that's also part of the way that's why my husband
• 18:38
  Speaker 1: took it relatively casually i mean he is not happy
• 18:43
  Speaker 1: but they they've also been friends for 20 years he
• 18:45
  Speaker 1: he knows you know the situation but oh sorry so
• 18:52
  Speaker 1: what are.
• 18:53
  Speaker 5: You gonna do you're gonna tell her you're gonna tell
• 18:54
  Speaker 5: her today.
• 18:55
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm going to tell her. I'm going to tell
• 18:57
  Speaker 1: her this evening. I'm having my mom watch the kids,
• 19:01
  Speaker 1: and my husband's going to be gone, and I'm going
• 19:04
  Speaker 1: to just have her over and we're just going to talk.
• 19:06
  Speaker 2: Oh, okay.
• 19:07
  Speaker 1: Okay.
• 19:07
  Speaker 4: All right, good luck. I'm really sorry this happened. Thank you, guys.
• 19:11
  Speaker 3: Because, Ryan, you've been pulled into something that is not
• 19:13
  Speaker 3: your problem, not your responsibility. Mm-hmm.
• 19:17
  Speaker 1: Thank you. I appreciate it. And hey, if this continues
• 19:20
  Speaker 1: as a topic all day, I'll be listening. So if
• 19:21
  Speaker 1: anybody else calls in, I would love to hear every
• 19:24
  Speaker 1: opinion on it, please.
• 19:26
  Speaker 5: Yes, for sure. Thank you.
• 19:27
  Speaker 1: Thank you guys so much.
• 19:30
  Speaker 5: Take care. We got to follow up with Amelia. I mean,
• 19:33
  Speaker 5: that's just awful.
• 19:35
  Speaker 6: If you're her, how quickly would you tell your friend?
• 19:39
  Speaker 6: Would you even let it go a week?
• 19:40
  Speaker 5: I don't even think I'd let it go a week.
• 19:42
  Speaker 5: It would eat me alive.
• 19:43
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 19:45
  Speaker 6: I mean, maybe.
• 19:46
  Speaker 4: I would try to do it as soon as possible.
• 19:48
  Speaker 5: Yeah.
• 19:48
  Speaker 4: As soon as I could kind of.
• 19:50
  Speaker 3: Wrap my brain around it, decide how I wanted to
• 19:52
  Speaker 3: deliver the news.
• 19:55
  Speaker 4: But I really do think sooner.
• 19:57
  Speaker 3: Rather than– because I don't trust Thomas to not manipulate
• 20:02
  Speaker 3: the situation. Like the longer Amelia waits, the more time
• 20:07
  Speaker 3: he'll have to like craft his excuse, if that's what's
• 20:11
  Speaker 3: going on.
• 20:11
  Speaker 4: Again, you know, like you said, it could be like,
• 20:13
  Speaker 4: oh God, he does this.
• 20:14
  Speaker 6: Such an embarrassment.
• 20:15
  Speaker 4: I'm so sorry. I'm embarrassed.
• 20:17
  Speaker 6: And guys, and I know it's not popular to say this,
• 20:21
  Speaker 6: but I'm just going to say it. We just got
• 20:22
  Speaker 6: her side of the story.
• 20:23
  Speaker 4: That's true.
• 20:24
  Speaker 5: Yeah.
• 20:24
  Speaker 6: I know that it's best to believe that what she's
• 20:28
  Speaker 6: saying is true, but listen, she even just said we're
• 20:30
  Speaker 6: a drinking group. Like, she could have been a little touchy.
• 20:33
  Speaker 6: We don't know. We weren't there. And she could easily go, ew, no,
• 20:36
  Speaker 6: don't try to kiss me, where she was just like, Thomas,
• 20:38
  Speaker 6: you look so hot in a hat backwards.
• 20:41
  Speaker 5: Oh, right, yeah.
• 20:42
  Speaker 6: And then he's like, oh.
• 20:42
  Speaker 5: Flirty, flirty behavior.
• 20:43
  Speaker 6: You don't know.
• 20:44
  Speaker 3: And in that case, I don't think she would be blameless,
• 20:48
  Speaker 3: but it's ultimately Thomas' responsibility to be the steward of
• 20:52
  Speaker 3: his marriage. Right, right, right. No matter how flirtatious or
• 20:56
  Speaker 3: sexy the wife's friend is, that's his responsibility to protect
• 20:59
  Speaker 3: his marriage no matter what.
• 21:03
  Speaker 4: No excuses.
• 21:04
  Speaker 5: Just kidding. The therapist has determined.