Latest / Topeka Bible Church Audio Archive / January 10, 2017 | Expresso - Syneva Mullins

Transcript

January 10, 2017 | Expresso - Syneva Mullins · Topeka Bible Church Audio Archive

• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: This is a story of how God can turn ashes into beauty through op who hope through hope in him and his mercy and grace when you trust in Jesus.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_00: I was born in Minot, North Dakota on March 5th, 1953, 3553.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_00: My mother Dorothy was from a farm outside of Adams, North Dakota.
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_00: Her parents were very loving, stable farm people.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_00: My dad, Lowell, was from Topeka, Kansas.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_00: His dad was a sweet man, and his mother suffered from many mental problems.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_00: My parents met in Minot, North Dakota and worked for the VA.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: They were married, and nine months later I was born.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_00: I was a month early.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: I was named after my Norwegian great-grandmother.
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_00: I learned many years later from my mother's youngest cousin, Barb, who became a dear Christian friend, that Grandma Seneva was known for being a prayer warrior.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_00: I cherished knowing that.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_00: Two months after I was born, we moved to Topeka, much to the dismay of my mom and her parents.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_00: Dad had to promise my grandmother he would bring us to the farm for two weeks every summer, and that he did.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: My mom did not want to move to hot Kansas and greatly disliked the hot summers in Cicadas, so the promise was a blessing in many ways.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_00: Can we raise this somehow?
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_00: You know how to do it?
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, just pull it up.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, perfect.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, so much better.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_00: We settled into life in Topeka, and 15 months later, my sister Andrea, who's here tonight, was born, and three years later, minus one day, my youngest sister, Beth, was born.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_00: She lives in Indianapolis.
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_00: We lived in a small white house that is actually on the corner of Munson and Boswell, just south of the cab building.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_00: I have fond memories of living there, playing with the neighborhood kids, helping mom can peaches, sleeping on the floor in front of the air conditioner with our dad on hot summer nights.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_00: That was way back when their air conditioners were huge.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_00: That was my family.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_00: So this is uh me and Andrea and Beth.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_00: This the summer before my fifth grade year, we moved to a home at 15th in Collins.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_00: Our memories continued.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_00: Our Christmas traditions were special, and all of us girls have carried them forward.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_00: I will always be grateful mom and dad put us in 4H where we learned to sew, cook, and set a table.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_00: My parents' hospitality was amazing.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_00: We had many families over for meals and sponsored two foreign exchange students.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_00: Dad worked hard and loved his job as manager of design forum here in Topeka.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_00: He loved to have fun.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_00: Dad is 89 and still loves to have fun.
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_00: Mom was a stay-at-home mom most of our growing up years.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_00: She was a sweet woman who never complained.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_00: She also, in addition to 4-H, taught us to cook and sew.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_00: She passed away almost three years ago and we miss her a lot.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_00: As I mentioned earlier, my dad's mother had mental problems.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_00: Visits with them were often strained and uncomfortable, especially if my grandfather wasn't around.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_00: Grandpa was kind and quietly funny.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_00: My sisters and I were rarely left with them, and we truly had a fear of my grandmother.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_00: In contrast, for all of us, our most precious memories were created from our trips to North Dakota every summer.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_00: The memories started from the moment we got in the car for our 16-hour trip.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_00: There was no I-29 back then, to waving goodbye to our grandparents as we left.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_00: Grandpa and grandma were the quintessential grandparents, making each of us feel very special.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_00: I held on to our visits for years to come.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_00: God had given me a glimpse of who he is through our trips to North Dakota.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_00: In my child's eyes, it felt like a bit of heaven.
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_00: And that's our grandparents.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_00: As they tell me, I've always been the most talkative one.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_00: I love sitting on the outskirts of the adult women in the kitchen, hearing all about the relatives and watching them cook.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_00: To this day, that is where you will often find me, in the kitchen or talking to women.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_00: My most favorite kitchens were my mom's, my grandma Nora's, my Aunt Marianne's, and my Aunt Betty.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_00: I learned to cook from all four of them.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_00: As I grew into my teenage years, things began to change.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_00: I began to desire attention from boys.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_00: In junior high, I experienced some infatuations that didn't um but I didn't really understand what I was feeling.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_00: We weren't a family that talked about those things, and I never asked.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_00: High school came along and a friend of mine asked me to go on a double date with her boyfriend and a friend of his, Mike.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know what what led me to go or what led me to become interested in Mike.
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_00: However, as it turned out, I was in over my head.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_00: I was 15 and very naive.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_00: Over the course of the next years, I would become thank you.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_00: I became involved in an on-again, off-again, destructive relationship that was very hurtful in many ways.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_00: I often dated other guys, but would end up back where I started.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_00: Mike became very controlling and sexually abused me over the course of about five years.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_00: The strange thing was that I didn't really know or understand the depth of what was happening to me.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_00: It was like I was under a negative spell, I couldn't escape.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_00: Eventually I gave in to sexual activity.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_00: For years I thought my parents had not tried to stop me from dating Mike.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_00: A few weeks ago, I learned from my sister.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_00: Andrea that they had tried to stop me.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_00: I had no recollection of that.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_00: I cried with relief.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_00: As for years I had thought they didn't try.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_00: It also showed me I had been rebellious.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_00: This is one of the things the Lord wanted me to know before I spoke.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_00: Growing up, we attended church together regularly, but the first time I ever really understood what Christ had done for me was through Youth for Christ.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_00: I was 16 when I accepted him as my savior.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_00: What I didn't realize was that his plan for me was already in place.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_00: Looking back, I can see his fingerprints in so many places.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_00: I volunteered with Youth for Christ after I graduated from high school.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_00: I ran around with some great Christians, Joel Davidson being one of them that some of you know.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_00: And we had fun, crazy times.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_00: Now, as you probably have put two and two together, my relationship with Mike began shortly before I became a Christian.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_00: I had one foot in the world and the other trying to be a Christian.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_00: It's hard to fathom now that I could lead such a double life, but that's what happened.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_00: The effects of the controlling and abuse were taking their toll.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_00: My senior year in high school, I was an aide in Head Start classroom at Monroe Elementary.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_00: I was hooked.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_00: The head teacher was amazing, and I learned so much from her.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_00: I decided to become a teacher and enrolled at K-State.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_00: My freshman year at K-State, I lived in the Goodnow dorm where I met Linda Kazier.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_00: I um, as many of you know her, I was still leading a double life, still dating Mike, and still oh so confused.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_00: But God had a plan, and Lynn and Linda and her family were a part of it.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_00: My sophomore year, Linda and a friend of hers, Gail, invited me to live with them in an apartment.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_00: I loved living with them, but would secretly go on home on weekends without telling my parents and would stay with Mike.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_00: I'm pretty sure Linda thought I was going home too.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_00: At cring home, at Christmas that year I attended a party with Mike.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_00: His boss was there and he asked if we were going to get married.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_00: Mike indicated possibly, and I didn't disagree.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_00: I was living such a mixed-up life, it's hard to even explain, and the abuse continued.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_00: A couple of months later, a friend from high school who was attending K-State invited me to come to his place.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_00: That night I met his roommate Dave.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_00: He was um actually his name was Davy Jones.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_00: Dave Jones.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_00: He was very kind.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_00: Shortly after we met, he he asked me out.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_00: I don't even remember what we did, but the conversation we had that night will never be forgotten.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_00: You see, he was a Christian.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_00: He asked me if I was happy, truly happy.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_00: The question stunned me.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_00: I had to actually sit there and think about the answer.
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_00: The answer was no.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_00: After talking a little bit, he prayed for me.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_00: I don't remember what I shared with him about why I was unhappy, but he his praying for me changed me.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_00: I realized I had to get out of the relationship I was in.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_00: I talked to Mike the next day and broke it off with him.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_00: He tried multiple ways to convince me to come back, but even though I didn't realize it then, the Holy Spirit must have been convicting me not to return ever.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_00: God literally plucked me out of this relationship in one night.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_00: I am pretty sure Linda was praying for me to be free of this relationship and God heard her plea.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_00: I am so thankful for her and for God answering her prayer.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_00: I dated Dave for a while and began to grow in the Lord daily.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_00: Somewhere along the way, however, the habit of promiscuity continued as I began to date others.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_00: Again, leading a double life.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_00: I had been introduced, um, again, leading a double life, I had been introduced to sexual sin.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_00: It was hard for me to even recognize it, let alone break it.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_00: It became an addiction, trying to fill a void only God can fill.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_00: On one hand, I loved college, loved my roommates, loved my studies.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_00: On the other hand, not following God, not listening to the Holy Spirit, not even acknowledging these relationships were wrong.
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_00: God provided me with many wonderful, kind, and amazing roommates.
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_00: Another one of them was Linda's sister Sharon, who's sitting right there, also.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_00: Um, she loved me fiercely, as only Sharon can do, and taught me to laugh in a way I didn't know was possible.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_00: God gave me again a glimpse of his love and grace through the Kazir family.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_00: And as you'll see, they a lot of TB family members God put in place all along the way.
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_00: After my senior year, I returned home in the fall to student teach.
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_00: It was a difficult class, and I had much to learn.
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_00: And there I met who uh was I met Kay Hines, who's from our church also.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_00: And um uh I love that God brought her brought us back together here at TBC.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_00: That same fall, the pastor's wife at the church where I grew up, Potwun Presbyterian, asked me to help with a youth group leader.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_00: He was a man I had seen off and on in the distance when I would come home from school.
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_00: He was helping with the high school youth group and was in the process of a divorce.
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_00: They needed a female to help him with the high school kids.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_00: Looking back and knowing what I know now, the combination of an almost divorced man and a recently graduated student was not wise.
• 11:28
  SPEAKER_00: But now that is part of my history and Ron Mullins' history.
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_00: We were spending time together that became more than youth time.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_00: My parents were not pleased, and with good reason.
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_00: His divorce wasn't final, and he had three children.
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_00: I was 22, he was 35.
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_00: I thought he was 28.
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_00: He told me he was 33 because he could never remember ages or dates, let alone his own.
• 11:55
  SPEAKER_00: Still goes that date wage now.
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_00: Unfortunately, my relationship with my parents suffered.
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_00: I decided after Christmas to move to Minnesota.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_00: I had a cousin who had a friend who needed a roommate.
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_00: So my dad helped me pick out a yellow BW station wagon.
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_00: I packed my bags and moved to Minnesota in the middle of January with no job.
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, Minnesota.
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_00: I loved it though.
• 12:20
  SPEAKER_00: I did find a job with Valspar Paint Corporation in the accounting department of all places.
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_00: There were no teaching jobs available in January.
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_00: As it turned out, I loved the people I worked with and I loved my schedule.
• 12:33
  SPEAKER_00: I worked ten-hour days, four days a week.
• 12:35
  SPEAKER_00: North Dakota was now only six and a half hours away.
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_00: In the next 11 months, I traveled to see my grandparents, aunt, uncle, and cousin seven times.
• 12:44
  SPEAKER_00: I cherished my long weekends there.
• 12:47
  SPEAKER_00: I kept in touch with Ron off and on.
• 12:49
  SPEAKER_00: He came to visit me that June.
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_00: We both enjoyed each other's company and began to get more serious.
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_00: My parents were very discouraged, but we continued our relationship.
• 13:00
  SPEAKER_00: That July, Ron moved to Utah to live with his parents while he went to tech school for computer processing.
• 13:06
  SPEAKER_00: I went to visit with him in September and fell in love with Utah and with Ron.
• 13:11
  SPEAKER_00: Later that fall, we decided I should move to Salt Lake City and find a job there.
• 13:16
  SPEAKER_00: I moved the following January.
• 13:18
  SPEAKER_00: Ron and I got an apartment together.
• 13:20
  SPEAKER_00: I found a job as a first grade teacher in January.
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_00: Kind of odd.
• 13:26
  SPEAKER_00: The next five months were some of the craziest months of my life.
• 13:30
  SPEAKER_00: After being in my job for several weeks, parents came and asked me what had happened to the other teacher.
• 13:35
  SPEAKER_00: A very kind teacher down the hall told me the teacher had been physically removed from the classroom for drinking scope.
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_00: The amount of alcohol in scope, I looked this up, is 18.9%.
• 13:47
  SPEAKER_00: She was literally getting drunk on scope and passing out.
• 13:51
  SPEAKER_00: Now these were first graders which she was with.
• 13:54
  SPEAKER_00: Hence the reason for finding a teaching job in January.
• 13:58
  SPEAKER_00: By the time I got these poor first graders, they were a mess to say the least.
• 14:02
  SPEAKER_00: God had prepared me for um through the difficult class during student teaching.
• 14:07
  SPEAKER_00: The students and I worked hard to make the best of a bad situation.
• 14:10
  SPEAKER_00: The school was of no help.
• 14:12
  SPEAKER_00: If schools can be dysfunctional, this one would top the list.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_00: I actually could write a book about it.
• 14:18
  SPEAKER_00: It's bizarre.
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_00: The first week in March, Ron and I climbed up the side of a mountain close to his parents' ranch and he asked me to marry him.
• 14:26
  SPEAKER_00: It was very romantic, and I said yes.
• 14:29
  SPEAKER_00: I'm so grateful for this sweet proposal as so much of our relationship had been traumatic due to the choices we had made so quickly.
• 14:37
  SPEAKER_00: About a week later, I found out I was pregnant.
• 14:40
  SPEAKER_00: Ron was thrilled, I didn't know what to think, and I was scared.
• 14:44
  SPEAKER_00: I vividly remember calling my parents to tell them I was pregnant.
• 14:48
  SPEAKER_00: I will never forget their grace.
• 14:54
  SPEAKER_00: We started planning a wedding the next day, being meaning my parents and I over the phone.
• 15:00
  SPEAKER_00: It was to be in Topeka over Easter.
• 15:03
  SPEAKER_00: They had to do basically everything as I was teaching in Utah and we could only come home for Easter break.
• 15:09
  SPEAKER_00: They had three weeks.
• 15:11
  SPEAKER_00: It was a simple wedding.
• 15:13
  SPEAKER_00: At the time, it was a simple wedding, and it was very nice.
• 15:16
  SPEAKER_00: At the time, I don't think Ron and I truly appreciated everything my parents, my sisters, and their friends had done.
• 15:22
  SPEAKER_00: I'm sure everyone was placing bets on how long this would last and with good reason.
• 15:28
  SPEAKER_00: We returned to Utah to finish the school year.
• 15:31
  SPEAKER_00: Every day I would get sick on the way to school and on the way home and during the day from being pregnant.
• 15:37
  SPEAKER_00: Ron graduated from tech school.
• 15:39
  SPEAKER_00: I gladly quit my job at the school.
• 15:42
  SPEAKER_00: We came home for a wedding, picked up, and actually that was Sharon's wedding.
• 15:46
  SPEAKER_00: We picked up his kids and went on a vacation for a month.
• 15:51
  SPEAKER_00: A fast action-packed, life-changing five months.
• 15:54
  SPEAKER_00: Now to start a new life for me at 24.
• 15:57
  SPEAKER_00: I was pregnant, quite sick, and now a stepmom to three kids.
• 16:00
  SPEAKER_00: Heather, who's here.
• 16:03
  SPEAKER_00: Wade eight, and Chad five.
• 16:06
  SPEAKER_00: The kids were fun and very accepting.
• 16:09
  SPEAKER_00: Boys were a new adventure for me, however, being raised with two sisters.
• 16:14
  SPEAKER_00: I um so I was in shock.
• 16:17
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't know there could be so much hitting and antagonism.
• 16:21
  SPEAKER_00: I truly remember it very vividly.
• 16:24
  SPEAKER_00: We all survived by the grace of God.
• 16:26
  SPEAKER_00: After our trip, we moved our things from Utah to Topeka with the with the three kids and two cars.
• 16:32
  SPEAKER_00: Ron and I moved into a small apartment and saw the kids every weekend and often during the week.
• 16:38
  SPEAKER_00: We soon found a house, the one we still live in, and moved in October 1st, 1977.
• 16:44
  SPEAKER_00: On October 22nd, Paige Denis was born.
• 16:47
  SPEAKER_00: I remember how amazing it was to realize I was her mom.
• 16:51
  SPEAKER_00: Her brothers and sister loved her and she loved them.
• 16:55
  SPEAKER_00: Nineteen months later, Brooke Nicole was born.
• 16:59
  SPEAKER_00: Six weeks later, we packed the kids in the car, and all seven of us drove to North Dakota for a family reunion.
• 17:05
  SPEAKER_00: Things to be things seemed to be somewhat falling in place.
• 17:08
  SPEAKER_00: I was able to be a stay-at-home mom and loved it.
• 17:11
  SPEAKER_00: We attended Hotwood Presbyterian as a family and became involved in many activities there.
• 17:16
  SPEAKER_00: And this is a picture of us.
• 17:22
  SPEAKER_00: Ron didn't realize he had on the sunglasses and turn.
• 17:37
  SPEAKER_00: It was in the middle of the day.
• 17:39
  SPEAKER_00: Well, obviously lunch.
• 18:00
  SPEAKER_00: I asked him to leave and said Ron wasn't home.
• 18:03
  SPEAKER_00: He left.
• 18:04
  SPEAKER_00: Later, a mutual friend of ours found out that he had been in our at our home.
• 18:08
  SPEAKER_00: He told me to never let him in again, that Mike had a very weird infatuation with me.
• 18:14
  SPEAKER_00: He never returned.
• 18:16
  SPEAKER_00: A few years later, I started having PMS.
• 18:20
  SPEAKER_00: At first it was just fairly normal PMS, but over the years it grew to be quite intense.
• 18:25
  SPEAKER_00: I would sink into a depression that would last two weeks before my period, and then it would take me two more weeks to get out of the depression before the cycle would begin again.
• 18:35
  SPEAKER_00: I remember sitting on the basement steps and all I could do was cry.
• 18:39
  SPEAKER_00: We tried changing my diet and tried some experimental experimental medications that the doctors suggested.
• 18:46
  SPEAKER_00: Some things seemed to help, but only lessening the severity of it.
• 18:51
  SPEAKER_00: I had a terrible fear of I was going to end up like my grandmother with mental problems.
• 18:56
  SPEAKER_00: This fear stayed with me for many years to come.
• 19:03
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, you did.
• 19:05
  SPEAKER_00: I knew you put something there, I just didn't see what it was.
• 19:15
  SPEAKER_00: Right about that same time, um, uh Ron's kids came to live with us.
• 19:20
  SPEAKER_00: There were good times and not so good times, many changes for everyone.
• 19:25
  SPEAKER_00: My PMS and a strain on our marriage.
• 19:28
  SPEAKER_00: Adding to that, I now believe part of my depression stemmed from not acknowledging the abuse or getting counseling for it.
• 19:35
  SPEAKER_00: But we kept on keeping on.
• 19:37
  SPEAKER_00: After the girls were in school, the two youngest girls started school.
• 19:42
  SPEAKER_00: I started substituting at their school Gage Elementary.
• 19:45
  SPEAKER_00: Shortly after that, Ron encouraged me to get my master's to be a reading specialist.
• 19:50
  SPEAKER_00: About halfway through getting my master's, I was offered a job teaching kindergarten halftime halftime at Loman Hill.
• 19:58
  SPEAKER_00: That spring, um, I was offered a second grade position at Gage for the fall.
• 20:03
  SPEAKER_00: I said yes.
• 20:04
  SPEAKER_00: God played, I loved Gage school and being with the girls.
• 20:08
  SPEAKER_00: God placed Ruth Burgett as the other second grade teacher, and she um is Ruth Aikens now, and she um attends church here.
• 20:16
  SPEAKER_00: She became my teaching coach and my lifelong friend.
• 20:20
  SPEAKER_00: So now I was working full-time, going to school, had five kids at home, and still had PMS.
• 20:26
  SPEAKER_00: Only yeah, only by my poor kids.
• 20:30
  SPEAKER_00: Only by the grace of God did we all survive those days, months, and years to come.
• 20:35
  SPEAKER_00: God in his perfect sovereignty also placed Heidi Nelson, Rebecca Winger, and Maggie O'Brien in my classroom.
• 20:43
  SPEAKER_00: I know their parents' prayers for us over the years were a gift only God could give.
• 20:48
  SPEAKER_00: In the midst of life, somehow I began to realize that what had happened to me with Mike was sexual abuse.
• 20:55
  SPEAKER_00: I now know I display I know now I displayed many symptoms of the damage from sexual abuse, but at the time I just couldn't for the life of me figure out why life was so hard.
• 21:07
  SPEAKER_00: These symptoms had been spilling out in my life for a very long time.
• 21:11
  SPEAKER_00: Anger, shame, guilt, weakness, aka being a victim, controlling, perfectionism, people pleasing, procrastinating, trying to be happy, little peace.
• 21:22
  SPEAKER_00: I began to get some counseling.
• 21:24
  SPEAKER_00: The first two counselors were marginally helpful, and I stopped going.
• 21:29
  SPEAKER_00: Right around this time, I learned the gauge would be closing in the next several years, so I began looking for another job.
• 21:35
  SPEAKER_00: I applied at Silver Lake Elementary and was offered the reading specialist job.
• 21:39
  SPEAKER_00: I loved this job even more than second grade.
• 21:42
  SPEAKER_00: I can truly say I loved what I did.
• 21:45
  SPEAKER_00: God surrounded me with many Christians.
• 21:47
  SPEAKER_00: Christians were once again praying for me.
• 21:49
  SPEAKER_00: It was where he wanted me to be.
• 21:52
  SPEAKER_00: Obviously, I had many fears and hurts, but it wasn't until I was driving my two young teenage girls to North Dakota.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_00: That I realized something was desperately wrong.
• 22:04
  SPEAKER_00: As I would pass semi-trucks, I would feel like I wanted to pull the van right into the semi.
• 22:09
  SPEAKER_00: I had never held on to the steering wheel so hard.
• 22:12
  SPEAKER_00: I had to protect my girls.
• 22:14
  SPEAKER_00: I had had the same sensation driving over bridges that were over rivers.
• 22:19
  SPEAKER_00: I would feel the urge to drive off the bridge into the water.
• 22:22
  SPEAKER_00: When I got home, I knew I needed more counseling.
• 22:25
  SPEAKER_00: I started seeing a wonderful Christian counselor.
• 22:28
  SPEAKER_00: Ron came with me the day I recounted the abuses, and the counselor cried for me.
• 22:34
  SPEAKER_00: The reality of what had happened was suddenly right in front of me, and I could no longer escape it.
• 22:40
  SPEAKER_00: One of the most important things the counselor taught me was that healing from abuse, no matter what kind, would be like opening drawers.
• 22:48
  SPEAKER_00: God will open the top one first.
• 22:50
  SPEAKER_00: He reveals what he wants you to learn, and then in his grace, he will close the top drawer and give you time to heal.
• 22:56
  SPEAKER_00: Then God would open the second drawer to reveal new things you need to learn.
• 23:01
  SPEAKER_00: Only this time it would be harder.
• 23:03
  SPEAKER_00: The same thing would happen with each drawer, and each drawer would get harder.
• 23:08
  SPEAKER_00: He said that God in his mercy knew that if we opened the last drawer first, we wouldn't be able to handle it.
• 23:14
  SPEAKER_00: It would be like death.
• 23:17
  SPEAKER_00: So I started on this journey.
• 23:19
  SPEAKER_00: One of the first things I did was to read the book The Wounded Heart by Dan Alexander.
• 23:25
  SPEAKER_00: A quote from his book gave such hope.
• 23:28
  SPEAKER_00: Damage done to the soul by sexual abuse can make the effect appear larger or hopelessly over overwhelming.
• 23:35
  SPEAKER_00: A proper focus on the deep wound sets the stage for the dramatic work of God.
• 23:41
  SPEAKER_00: It also states that the result of the abuse is to try to hide what happened, which ends causing more pain, which leads to sin, a pulling away from God, trying to do your own, don't trying to do things your own way, putting up many walls.
• 23:58
  SPEAKER_00: And that's what I had been doing.
• 24:01
  SPEAKER_00: Dan Alexander's eight-year-old daughter knew he was working on a book for abused people, and he has this story in his book.
• 24:10
  SPEAKER_00: She very innocently asked him, Do abused people have walls in their hearts that keep them from being happy?
• 24:18
  SPEAKER_00: And will they have less bricks in their walls after reading your book?
• 24:23
  SPEAKER_00: The simple insight and wisdom of a child, I couldn't explain the pain any better.
• 24:28
  SPEAKER_00: This was the start of my healing journey that God was directing.
• 24:32
  SPEAKER_00: Who knew the desire to drive into a semi or drive off of a bridge could be used for God's purposes?
• 24:39
  SPEAKER_00: Who knew that sexual abuse would be the catalyst to take me back to Jesus?
• 24:43
  SPEAKER_00: But that's slowly what began to happen, drawer by drawer and brick by brick.
• 24:49
  SPEAKER_00: In the midst of all of this, I started to notice Mike at the grocery store.
• 24:54
  SPEAKER_00: It was apparent he was trying to talk to me.
• 24:56
  SPEAKER_00: When I would leave the store, he would follow me out and watch me drive away.
• 25:01
  SPEAKER_00: He ended up stalking me close to our house for a number of years, never getting too close, just close enough to make me afraid.
• 25:09
  SPEAKER_00: He eventually called our home and wanted to meet with me to apologize.
• 25:14
  SPEAKER_00: He was in rehab for alcoholism.
• 25:16
  SPEAKER_00: I could tell he called only because he had to.
• 25:19
  SPEAKER_00: I told him I would need to talk to Ron and he would have to call me back.
• 25:24
  SPEAKER_00: I have never been so angry.
• 25:26
  SPEAKER_00: Ron was level headed, fortunately, and talked me through it.
• 25:29
  SPEAKER_00: We decided to meet him in a nearby park.
• 25:32
  SPEAKER_00: He apologized, but it wasn't sincere.
• 25:35
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't handle it well.
• 25:38
  SPEAKER_00: Ron told me it was okay and talked to him by himself.
• 25:43
  SPEAKER_00: He told Mike to never contact me again or come close to me or our house.
• 25:48
  SPEAKER_00: I was so grateful to Ron and how he handled the situation and for standing up for me.
• 25:54
  SPEAKER_00: But the stalking had taken its toll.
• 25:56
  SPEAKER_00: I still didn't trust that Mike wouldn't and have the reassurance that he wouldn't.
• 26:02
  SPEAKER_00: Sorry, I still didn't trust Mike and didn't have the reassurance he would follow through with his promise.
• 26:07
  SPEAKER_00: Ultimately more reasons to make me want to draw closer to God.
• 26:12
  SPEAKER_00: God also was getting our attention in other ways.
• 26:16
  SPEAKER_00: When Paige was 12, she became invalid for six weeks.
• 26:19
  SPEAKER_00: She had to have help with everything and was homebound.
• 26:23
  SPEAKER_00: I was teaching and finishing my master's.
• 26:25
  SPEAKER_00: Ron was working for Santa Fe.
• 26:28
  SPEAKER_00: It was during a time they were laying people off.
• 26:31
  SPEAKER_00: Literally by an act of God, Ron found out he was on the list to be laid off before he actually knew.
• 26:39
  SPEAKER_00: And they weren't going to offer him a buyout.
• 26:42
  SPEAKER_00: So he was laid off and he was offered a buyout.
• 26:45
  SPEAKER_00: It was the exact time when Paige was invalid and we needed someone to be home with her.
• 26:50
  SPEAKER_00: He was able to stay home with her, but the doctors never truly could find what was wrong.
• 26:57
  SPEAKER_00: We felt so hopeless.
• 26:58
  SPEAKER_00: A friend of mine told me to visualize putting her in God's lap and giving her to him.
• 27:04
  SPEAKER_00: I did, and he was now hers.
• 27:07
  SPEAKER_00: A few weeks later, on Mother's Day, in 24 hours, she went from not being able to walk to riding a bike.
• 27:15
  SPEAKER_00: There was no explanation until a few weeks later, our dear neighbor lady told us she and her prayer group had been praying for Paige that entire weekend that she was healed.
• 27:27
  SPEAKER_00: God is amazing.
• 27:29
  SPEAKER_00: God also used Heather to show me how to trust him.
• 27:32
  SPEAKER_00: She has epilepsy, and I was scared to death of her seizures.
• 27:36
  SPEAKER_00: He began to ease my fears, and I graduate gradually learned how to be calm.
• 27:41
  SPEAKER_00: He later provided an amazing surgery that has led her to be seizure-free and to drive.
• 27:54
  SPEAKER_00: Then, when Brooke was in high school, over the course of about a month of strange illnesses, she became unable to do anything but lay.
• 28:04
  SPEAKER_00: She couldn't read.
• 28:06
  SPEAKER_00: She couldn't sleep either.
• 28:09
  SPEAKER_00: Eventually, we found out she had chronic fatigue syndrome.
• 28:12
  SPEAKER_00: She struggled with this for over four years.
• 28:15
  SPEAKER_00: I was really angry with God.
• 28:17
  SPEAKER_00: Once again, I had to turn another child over to God.
• 28:21
  SPEAKER_00: And I did, and it helped tremendously.
• 28:24
  SPEAKER_00: Amazingly, Brooke's illness actually strengthened her faith in Jesus.
• 28:29
  SPEAKER_00: Wade and Chad both suffered from alcoholism.
• 28:31
  SPEAKER_00: Again, both Ron and I had to learn to hand them over to God.
• 28:35
  SPEAKER_00: It was so hard to watch them make choices that we knew would affect their lives for a very long time.
• 28:40
  SPEAKER_00: God eventually led Chad to become a believer out of the and healed him of alcoholism out of the mire and muck of the alcoholism.
• 28:49
  SPEAKER_00: And Wade hasn't had a drink for 10 years.
• 28:53
  SPEAKER_00: Somewhere in the middle of all those events, God led us to two different churches.
• 28:58
  SPEAKER_00: The first one was very generic and the preaching was worldly.
• 29:02
  SPEAKER_00: I know that now.
• 29:04
  SPEAKER_00: We began to notice the teaching was rarely biblical and scripture was often twisted.
• 29:08
  SPEAKER_00: I decided I would buy a Read a Bible in the year Bible, which I never did finish that.
• 29:14
  SPEAKER_00: Not in the year.
• 29:16
  SPEAKER_00: The day I started the started was uh was in the book of Jeremiah.
• 29:22
  SPEAKER_00: As I kept reading, I realized the church of the church Jeremiah was describing sounded like the church we were going to.
• 29:29
  SPEAKER_00: I talked with Ron about it and we decided to look for other churches.
• 29:33
  SPEAKER_00: Through a series of God-driven events and the prayers of many, we ended up here at Topeka Bible.
• 29:39
  SPEAKER_00: We have been here ever since.
• 29:41
  SPEAKER_00: I became intrigued as to how I knew to compare the church in Jeremiah's time to our former church.
• 29:49
  SPEAKER_00: It's not something I normally would know how to do.
• 29:53
  SPEAKER_00: Some wise Christian who knew I was saved at 16 said, Because you are saved, you have the Holy Spirit in you.
• 30:00
  SPEAKER_00: He led you to know this.
• 30:02
  SPEAKER_00: That was one of the first times I began to understand God and God's sovereignty in my life.
• 30:08
  SPEAKER_00: He was patient for me to listen and then led us to a church where we could go grow spiritually.
• 30:14
  SPEAKER_00: Ron became a believer after attending Promise Keepers, and I started attending Bible studies.
• 30:19
  SPEAKER_00: This is where I met Sandy Taylor.
• 30:22
  SPEAKER_00: She taught in a way that helped me to understand God's word without being overwhelmed.
• 30:27
  SPEAKER_00: She became a lifelong person, a lifelong friend, and another person who taught me to laugh.
• 30:34
  SPEAKER_00: Little bit by little bit, I was beginning to truly understand what it meant to be a child of God.
• 30:39
  SPEAKER_00: He gradually began healing some of the years of pain, dysfunction, and sin.
• 30:44
  SPEAKER_00: We also joined a small group Bible study.
• 30:47
  SPEAKER_00: Not only have they become our friends, but our family.
• 30:50
  SPEAKER_00: They are there in the trenches with us.
• 30:53
  SPEAKER_00: The support they give is comforting and encouraging.
• 30:58
  SPEAKER_00: At about this point, we had been married 25 years.
• 31:02
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, lots of trials, but also lots of joys.
• 31:05
  SPEAKER_00: As a family, we loved holidays and celebrated them well.
• 31:09
  SPEAKER_00: Family vacations were the highlight of each summer as we would pile into our conversion van and head off to Utah, North Dakota, or uncharted territories.
• 31:18
  SPEAKER_00: There were soccer games, music lessons, and school functions.
• 31:21
  SPEAKER_00: God held us together and gave us joy in the midst of trials.
• 31:26
  SPEAKER_00: The next 15 years were empty nesting, marriages, and grandchildren.
• 31:32
  SPEAKER_00: Adding grandchildren to our family has been a blessing beyond description.
• 31:36
  SPEAKER_00: We now have 11, and like Connie said, we'll soon have 12.
• 31:42
  SPEAKER_00: We try to make as many grandkid events as humanly possible and love spending time with our family.
• 31:49
  SPEAKER_00: During this time, God blessed me with Jody Wall as a paraprofessional.
• 31:54
  SPEAKER_00: We worked well together.
• 31:56
  SPEAKER_00: I was able to add another para.
• 31:58
  SPEAKER_00: I asked God to provide a knowledgeable person who was a Christian, knowledgeable in education.
• 32:05
  SPEAKER_00: Sandy Johnson had her teaching degree and was a Christian.
• 32:08
  SPEAKER_00: God is so good.
• 32:09
  SPEAKER_00: And Jody and Sandy are here tonight.
• 32:11
  SPEAKER_00: And then Lori, who taught across the hall from me, is here tonight.
• 32:16
  SPEAKER_00: Who they all three prayed for me a lot.
• 32:21
  SPEAKER_00: Jodi, Sandy, and I got to know each other quickly and worked very well as a team.
• 32:26
  SPEAKER_00: They were my right and my left hand.
• 32:29
  SPEAKER_00: They were my sounding board for teaching ideas, and we shared our personal joys and trials.
• 32:35
  SPEAKER_00: When I first met Jodi, she wasn't a Christian, but God answered both Sandy and I'm sure Lori's too prayers, and she became a believer.
• 32:44
  SPEAKER_00: Our friendships deepened, and God gave us each lifelong eternal friends.
• 32:50
  SPEAKER_00: About five years ago, I began to hit another low in my life.
• 32:54
  SPEAKER_00: I had seen the book So Long in Security by Beth Moore and had kind of put off getting it.
• 33:00
  SPEAKER_00: God literally rescued me with a$25 gift card that led me to buy the book.
• 33:05
  SPEAKER_00: I was hurting, discouraged, insecure, and struggling with some family relationships.
• 33:12
  SPEAKER_00: One of the most valuable lessons from the book was Proverbs 31, 25.
• 33:17
  SPEAKER_00: Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she smiles at the future.
• 33:23
  SPEAKER_00: While I wasn't quite ready to smile at the future, I was encouraged that God clothed me with strength and dignity.
• 33:30
  SPEAKER_00: There were many other valuable lessons, too many to even mention here, but I gained a tremendous amount.
• 33:36
  SPEAKER_00: I had begun counseling again, but felt I needed something different.
• 33:41
  SPEAKER_00: Jane Gobel, who a lot of you probably know, I know you a lot of you know Jane, shared with me she felt healing hearts would be helpful.
• 33:50
  SPEAKER_00: It is a group meant, and they call it something different now, and I don't remember what it is.
• 33:54
  SPEAKER_00: It is a group meant for wives of husbands addicted to pornography.
• 33:57
  SPEAKER_00: Ron doesn't fit that category, but Jane told me their lessons dealt with healing from trauma.
• 34:03
  SPEAKER_00: Someone had told me I shouldn't attend this group as it would be too depressing.
• 34:07
  SPEAKER_00: I told Jane and she laughed.
• 34:09
  SPEAKER_00: She said, That is crazy.
• 34:11
  SPEAKER_00: We laugh all the time.
• 34:13
  SPEAKER_00: And she was right.
• 34:15
  SPEAKER_00: I spent the next several years laughing and crying my way to more healing and made very, very precious friends.
• 34:22
  SPEAKER_00: Then I turned 60.
• 34:24
  SPEAKER_00: As a family, we celebrated the Sunday before my birthday, and it was very nice.
• 34:28
  SPEAKER_00: The actual day I turned 60 did not turn out the way I expected it to.
• 34:33
  SPEAKER_00: My expectations weren't met, and my reality was that it was an extremely hard day, and I was in a feel sorry for myself mood.
• 34:42
  SPEAKER_00: I drove into my driveway after work, and the first thing I saw was a wrapped package hanging on the door.
• 34:47
  SPEAKER_00: It looked like a book.
• 34:49
  SPEAKER_00: I was pretty sure my dear friend Sherry Thompson, who had become a Christian mentor in my life, had left me a birthday gift.
• 34:56
  SPEAKER_00: Sure enough, she had.
• 36:20
  SPEAKER_00: Consider it all joy, my brothers, whenever you experience various trials.
• 36:24
  SPEAKER_00: I knew this was truth, but hello, this was hard.
• 36:29
  SPEAKER_00: The song Blessings, Blessings by Laura Story became my constant companion.
• 36:34
  SPEAKER_00: God used this song to teach me that in the hardest of times we are to thank him.
• 36:39
  SPEAKER_00: Thankful I never got pregnant until I met Ron.
• 36:42
  SPEAKER_00: Thankful the abuse wasn't by a family member or when I was a small child.
• 36:47
  SPEAKER_00: Thankful our children had struggles, it taught us mercy.
• 36:51
  SPEAKER_00: Thankful for being stalked, it led Ron to defending me.
• 36:55
  SPEAKER_00: Thankful God gave me a strong-willed husband who loves me fiercely and who challenged me to do things I would have never done.
• 37:03
  SPEAKER_00: Thankful for strong-willed children who would challenge me time and time again and thankful for their love and grace.
• 37:10
  SPEAKER_00: Thankful for continuing the continuing work of God in our children and our grandchildren's lives.
• 37:16
  SPEAKER_00: Thankful, thankful for multiple Christian women He has put in my life.
• 37:21
  SPEAKER_00: Thankful for friends that he taught that friends that taught me to laugh.
• 37:25
  SPEAKER_00: Thankful for my parents, my sisters, and their patients, love and grace during difficult times.
• 37:31
  SPEAKER_00: Thankful for my North Dakota family for loving me well.
• 37:35
  SPEAKER_00: Thankful for everything that was hard because it caused me to be drawn to Christ in a deeper way.
• 37:41
  SPEAKER_00: Endurance was gradually being produced.
• 37:45
  SPEAKER_00: About a year and a half ago, God began telling me I had learned all he wanted me to learn from healing hearts.
• 37:51
  SPEAKER_00: It was time for just the Lord and me.
• 37:54
  SPEAKER_00: He kept showing me my disobedience and his love.
• 37:57
  SPEAKER_00: I had to begin letting go of negative thought patterns that were keeping me in bondage.
• 38:02
  SPEAKER_00: I heard this quote one day on Christian radio.
• 38:05
  SPEAKER_00: It nailed one of my major thought patterns.
• 38:09
  SPEAKER_00: One can be addicted to self-examination.
• 38:12
  SPEAKER_00: Whoa, I was the queen of this.
• 38:16
  SPEAKER_00: I began to realize the self-ex-examination spelled over into many sins.
• 38:21
  SPEAKER_00: Guilt, people pleasing, performance-based actions, etc.
• 38:26
  SPEAKER_00: God began to reveal each time I was doing this.
• 38:29
  SPEAKER_00: It was convicting, showed a lack of faith in me, and took so much brain power away from what really mattered.
• 38:37
  SPEAKER_00: I know over the years the Lord has taught me to seek him, but he intensified my desire to seek him, especially these last couple of years.
• 38:44
  SPEAKER_00: The more you get to know him, the more you want to listen to him and follow him and be healed by him.
• 38:55
  SPEAKER_00: He is the great healer, counselor, physician, and lover of our souls.
• 39:11
  SPEAKER_00: And now I know that personally.
• 39:14
  SPEAKER_00: He has shown me through trials, sermons, Bible studies, family and friends.
• 39:20
  SPEAKER_00: Quite a few years ago, my sister Andrea had a picture of my grandfather with her and another little girl.
• 39:25
  SPEAKER_00: I asked her who the other little girl was.
• 39:27
  SPEAKER_00: She said it was me.
• 39:29
  SPEAKER_00: I had to look carefully as a little girl was so happy and confident.
• 39:34
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't realize I had ever felt that way.
• 39:37
  SPEAKER_00: I look at it now, and I know God, in his mercy, has taken me on this journey to be joyful in him no matter what the struggle.
• 39:48
  SPEAKER_00: He is worth every tear I have shed and every heartache the world has given.
• 39:52
  SPEAKER_00: I can't count the number of times I would struggle, seek him for answers, and be blown away by the answer, whether it was revealing my sin or loving me in ways only He can.
• 40:02
  SPEAKER_00: Last May we had a family situation that was potentially a hard life changer.
• 40:08
  SPEAKER_00: I found out about it on a Monday.
• 40:10
  SPEAKER_00: Every morning for the next four days, I would wake up in fear.
• 40:14
  SPEAKER_00: I had I had grown to trust God in so many situations, but all of a sudden all I could do was panic.
• 40:20
  SPEAKER_00: I literally had no peace.
• 40:22
  SPEAKER_00: I kept asking him to forgive my lack of faith.
• 40:25
  SPEAKER_00: On that fourth day, I had set my radio to wake me.
• 40:29
  SPEAKER_00: My favorite Christian DJ, JJ Bat DJ, JJ Jas a mouthful.
• 40:34
  SPEAKER_00: DJ, JJ Jasper.
• 40:39
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, I didn't realize I was gonna do that.
• 40:42
  SPEAKER_00: Was telling a story.
• 40:43
  SPEAKER_00: It was about a Russian woman.
• 40:45
  SPEAKER_00: There was an awful storm whirling outside her house, yet she was safe inside with no worries at all.
• 40:51
  SPEAKER_00: I knew it was an example of God taking care of us in the middle of storms of life.
• 40:57
  SPEAKER_00: I I knew that.
• 40:59
  SPEAKER_00: I knew that story.
• 41:00
  SPEAKER_00: I knew that's what he did.
• 41:02
  SPEAKER_00: I was pretty sure he wanted me to remember that.
• 41:05
  SPEAKER_00: But then JJ said the woman's name.
• 41:09
  SPEAKER_00: It was Seneva.
• 41:11
  SPEAKER_00: I thought that surely that can't be true.
• 41:13
  SPEAKER_00: So I turned up the radio.
• 41:15
  SPEAKER_00: He said my name two more times.
• 41:18
  SPEAKER_00: All I could do was cry and rejoice at the same time.
• 41:22
  SPEAKER_00: I have never felt fear over that situation again.
• 41:25
  SPEAKER_00: And it is a constant reminder to me to trust him.
• 41:29
  SPEAKER_00: He knows how to turn ashes into beauty.
• 41:33
  SPEAKER_00: Ron and I will be married 40 years this April.
• 41:36
  SPEAKER_00: We have both grown, stretched, and changed.
• 41:39
  SPEAKER_00: Beth more recently blogged about her marriage to Keith.
• 41:42
  SPEAKER_00: So much of it describes Ron and my marriage.
• 41:44
  SPEAKER_00: Ron and I chuckled as we read it.
• 41:47
  SPEAKER_00: Here are a few excerpts I have cut out that cut out of her blog that fits us to a T.
• 41:54
  SPEAKER_00: The best explanation for why we got together is that clamor attracts clamor and baggage attracts baggage.
• 42:01
  SPEAKER_00: And boy, did we each have some.
• 42:03
  SPEAKER_00: And then there was just pure chemistry.
• 42:06
  SPEAKER_00: We did meet and we did not remotely ignore nor resist one another.
• 42:13
  SPEAKER_00: And then this is the next section that really fit us to a T.
• 42:17
  SPEAKER_00: And the reason we are still together, nothing but the dripping grace of Jesus.
• 42:22
  SPEAKER_00: We can't even take credit for the things that have actually worked.
• 42:26
  SPEAKER_00: Everything else comes back to this.
• 42:28
  SPEAKER_00: We have both and each been willing many times through bitter tears and against our human-hearted natural preferences to choose to love each other again over and over and over and over after some really harsh things.
• 42:44
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you, Jesus.
• 42:46
  SPEAKER_00: To conclude, I was scheduled to speak three other times.
• 42:51
  SPEAKER_00: Something always came up.
• 42:53
  SPEAKER_00: God had a plan.
• 42:55
  SPEAKER_00: I had struggled with guilt for years, but in his sovereignty, he kept showing me time and time again, especially in the last five months, that my sin has been washed by his blood and I am set free.
• 43:08
  SPEAKER_00: There will be no there will be more trials as this is the earth, but he is there to walk me through each one and to give me joy.
• 43:18
  SPEAKER_00: The difference now is I will praise him in the storm.