Latest / I Do, Part 2 / Ask Amy & T.J.: “I Got A Vasectomy. Then I Got Remarried and My Wife Wants Kids. What Do I Do?”

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Ask Amy & T.J.: “I Got A Vasectomy. Then I Got Remarried and My Wife Wants Kids. What Do I Do?” · I Do, Part 2

0:01
Speaker 1: Hey, there're folks. It is Monday, September the eighth, and
0:05
Speaker 1: someone wrote into us on our Yahoo column asking for
0:09
Speaker 1: some advice. See he's a dad. He's a dad to
0:12
Speaker 1: two kids, but his wife wanted to be three. Only
0:17
Speaker 1: one issue with that. We're gonna have to go through
0:21
Speaker 1: surgery to have any more kids. And with that, welcome
0:24
Speaker 1: to this very complicated edition of Amy and TJ. Are
0:28
Speaker 1: ask Amy and TJ audition. I say surgery, Brod, We're
0:31
Speaker 1: talking about a sectomy. He's gonna have to be reversed.
0:33
Speaker 1: It's gonna be any more kids here.
0:34
Speaker 2: And you said his wife, but maybe it's more specifically
0:37
Speaker 2: should be noted it was his new one.
0:39
Speaker 1: Say I was trying.
0:40
Speaker 2: There was a tea.
0:41
Speaker 1: We're gonna get to it. It was a tea. I blew it.
0:44
Speaker 2: I blew your cheese. Wow. Okay, Well anyway, yes, he
0:49
Speaker 2: was married his first wife, they had two kids. He
0:51
Speaker 2: got a sectomy. That's a lot of folks do that.
0:53
Speaker 2: They don't want any more. They're good, they've got their
0:56
Speaker 2: their kids. Then he gets divorced. Now he gets remarried,
1:00
Speaker 2: and now wipe number two four years into it, and
1:02
Speaker 2: she knew he got of vasectomy. She he made that
1:05
Speaker 2: very clear while they were dating, but now she's asking
1:08
Speaker 2: him to have a reversal.
1:12
Speaker 1: I don't know how extensive of a surgery this is.
1:16
Speaker 1: To do it in the first place and then reverse it.
1:18
Speaker 1: It sounds like it would be pretty extensive. I think,
1:22
Speaker 1: I don't know.
1:23
Speaker 2: So it's basically it's so the having of a sectomy is,
1:27
Speaker 2: you know, you go in and you've get some discomfort.
1:31
Speaker 2: Right now you kind of have to go through the
1:32
Speaker 2: same thing again. And here's the deal. It's not guaranteed,
1:36
Speaker 2: so it's not a foreshore thing, but it gives you
1:39
Speaker 2: the possibility and a lot of times you have to
1:42
Speaker 2: take even extra steps extra measures. If you've had a
1:45
Speaker 2: va sectimy reversed, you might have to go through artificial insemination.
1:48
Speaker 2: You might have because then you can actually place the
1:51
Speaker 2: sperm that's active into an egg. So yes, there are
1:57
Speaker 2: you can conceive naturally possibly, but there's no guarantee.
2:00
Speaker 1: It sounds like you've done a deep dive on this. Yes,
2:03
Speaker 1: was that for this story?
2:04
Speaker 2: It was this, Well, you know, I just have some
2:08
Speaker 2: random information sometimes.
2:10
Speaker 1: That's pretty random, more like specific. Uh. With that, let's
2:14
Speaker 1: get to what this dad did say it was his
2:16
Speaker 1: actual this is actually what he.
2:18
Speaker 2: Did right in to yes Amy and TJ. I'm a
2:20
Speaker 2: forty five year old man with two kids from my
2:23
Speaker 2: first marriage. After having those children, I got a vasectomy.
2:26
Speaker 2: I remarried four years ago and told my current wife
2:29
Speaker 2: about my vasectomy while we were dating. Now she's asking
2:32
Speaker 2: me if I would want to get the vasectomy reverse
2:35
Speaker 2: so we can have our own family. What should I do?
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Speaker 2: He signs it, Dad can't decide.
2:42
Speaker 1: You know, I missed that, I think the first time around.
2:44
Speaker 1: I don't know why it jumped out on me so much,
2:46
Speaker 1: so we can have our own family.
2:49
Speaker 2: That's a little offensive.
2:50
Speaker 1: Why you said that.
2:51
Speaker 2: I think it's offensive because when you and I only
2:55
Speaker 2: say this, I don't think she intended it to be,
2:56
Speaker 2: but I could see how it could be received that way,
2:59
Speaker 2: because when you sign up for a marriage to someone
3:02
Speaker 2: who's already been married, who already has children, you do
3:05
Speaker 2: take on a role. You're not mom, but your stepmom,
3:07
Speaker 2: and that is a part of your family. And I
3:09
Speaker 2: know what she's saying, she'd like to have their own
3:11
Speaker 2: biological children, and that's not anything that is I mean,
3:15
Speaker 2: that's totally understandable. That's not something that would be considered
3:18
Speaker 2: anything other than natural to want to have children with
3:20
Speaker 2: the person you're with. I get that, but our own
3:23
Speaker 2: family implies that somehow his kids aren't a part of
3:25
Speaker 2: their family now.
3:26
Speaker 1: And the way I took it, yes, everything you're saying,
3:29
Speaker 1: I think we're kind of we see this the same.
3:32
Speaker 1: I think I understand and I've heard it plenty of times,
3:36
Speaker 1: and maybe for a woman you could speak to this differently.
3:38
Speaker 1: But when a woman enters into a relationship with a
3:40
Speaker 1: guy and he does have he has a unit with
3:43
Speaker 1: someone else, there's another woman who has given him such
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Speaker 1: an important part of his life that you don't have
3:49
Speaker 1: with him, and it's almost that thing. And actually we've
3:51
Speaker 1: seen some negativity attached to this sometimes, like I want
3:55
Speaker 1: my kids are family, and then you almost pit them
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Speaker 1: against each other. She doesn't love the other kids, and
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Speaker 1: saying kind of a thing, I could see where in
4:01
Speaker 1: her it pulls at her heartstrings to watch him maybe
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Speaker 1: interact with a family that she can't have with him.
4:07
Speaker 2: Without a doubt. Oh, I have walked that walk, and
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Speaker 2: I think so many women have too as well, And
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Speaker 2: there is this desire, especially she doesn't have her own kids.
4:16
Speaker 2: I think when I've entered in other relationships with other kids.
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Speaker 2: I still had my own children, and I again my
4:23
Speaker 2: own thing. I don't even like that very much, but
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Speaker 2: I get what she's saying, and I get what you're saying.
4:27
Speaker 2: But I do think there just needs to be an
4:29
Speaker 2: acknowledgement that she knew that going into it. It doesn't
4:32
Speaker 2: mean that you can't change your mind or you can't
4:33
Speaker 2: express your feelings. And I think it's good that she's
4:35
Speaker 2: telling him that she wants this and they can go
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Speaker 2: from there, because maybe to not tell him might breed resentment,
4:41
Speaker 2: might really create some regret in her, and maybe she
4:43
Speaker 2: needs to know that she tried that at least she asked.
4:46
Speaker 2: And if he says no, he says no. But I
4:48
Speaker 2: understand that desire, Like, look, you and I, it's we're
4:52
Speaker 2: way past that just in terms of our or at
4:55
Speaker 2: least my age, for sure, but because we love each other,
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Speaker 2: there's an natural desire to want to create something together.
5:02
Speaker 2: I think that's biology. I think that's a lot of things,
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Speaker 2: but it's totally natural to want to have kids with
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Speaker 2: the person you're married to.
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Speaker 1: Of course, it's crazy you say that we have I
5:12
Speaker 1: am pretty sure it was yesterday, but it's been several
5:15
Speaker 1: times in the past. We was on our trip to suite.
5:18
Speaker 1: I don't know why. I don't know what's going on,
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Speaker 1: but we have talked more lately about having kids. We
5:24
Speaker 1: have talked more lately about the idea of even adopting
5:28
Speaker 1: a child, and usually it's me bringing it up to you.
5:32
Speaker 1: It's true, and usually the response is the one you
5:34
Speaker 1: all just heard. She laughs at me. She's laughing at me.
5:37
Speaker 1: I need to write unto my own damn column to
5:39
Speaker 1: get some advice about what to do when the person
5:43
Speaker 1: you're with, who is maybe at an advanced baby making
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Speaker 1: age laughs anytime you bring up the possibility of kids.
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Speaker 2: Only because I was told at forty that I was
5:54
Speaker 2: out of the baby making business because of my kids
5:57
Speaker 2: are diagnosis. So I have look, that was devastating to hear.
6:00
Speaker 2: I can laugh now because that ship has sailed so
6:03
Speaker 2: long ago. So that's why I do chuckle, because yes,
6:06
Speaker 2: that was a painful thing to hear at forty. But
6:08
Speaker 2: I have come to peace with it and am very
6:11
Speaker 2: happy to have had two children. And you know what
6:13
Speaker 2: I'm saying this genuinely. My girls have now gone off,
6:18
Speaker 2: but to have Sabine around is joy like. I absolutely
6:23
Speaker 2: totally appreciate and actually really look forward to and love
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Speaker 2: having that childlike that sweetness around. It's awesome.
6:33
Speaker 1: But to this lady's point, so we can have family
6:36
Speaker 1: of our own, it is. It's there. I'm saying I
6:39
Speaker 1: didn't even expect, but listen that one part, for whatever reason,
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Speaker 1: our own family is something that even I lately can
6:48
Speaker 1: relate to. Why And it's not even a matter of
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Speaker 1: watching you and your girls, are you watching me with mine?
6:54
Speaker 1: It's just really a matter of when you are with
6:57
Speaker 1: you can't help, but yeah, want to create your own unit.
7:01
Speaker 1: And yes those units sometimes come from other pieces and
7:04
Speaker 1: places coming together, but you can't happen.
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Speaker 2: There's a there's a natural desire one hundred percent, and
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Speaker 2: that is so reasonable. I do think it's one of
7:11
Speaker 2: those things where when you do get a vasectomy, they
7:13
Speaker 2: you know, you'd never think no one ever goes into
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Speaker 2: a marriage thinking they're getting divorced. No one ever probably
7:19
Speaker 2: goes in to get a vasectomy thinking that they're going
7:22
Speaker 2: to meet some other woman who's gonna want kids. It's
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Speaker 2: just it's just shows you how sometimes life throws curveballs
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Speaker 2: at you and you have to roll with it and
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Speaker 2: make decisions based on new premises that you weren't expecting.
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Speaker 1: It sounds like he's torn in the question. It sounds like,
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Speaker 1: obviously this is this would be a very serious undertaking
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Speaker 1: for him. But it doesn't sound like to me either
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Speaker 1: one did anything wrong, not to sign anything wrong. But
7:47
Speaker 1: it sounds like everybody has handled this. But surely he
7:49
Speaker 1: told her from the beginning she was on board, and
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Speaker 1: she has now changed her mind, and she's been open
7:55
Speaker 1: about that. I think that's probably healthy. Is it not
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Speaker 1: thought about?
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Speaker 2: Is no? It is interesting, And I think my initial
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Speaker 2: reaction and advice to him in the column was me
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Speaker 2: making an assumption that because he's asking us what to do,
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Speaker 2: or he at least is opening up the question, probably
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Speaker 2: is interested in hearing what other folks have to say
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Speaker 2: in the comments section as well. I would infer that
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Speaker 2: he doesn't necessarily want to have markets, because if he did,
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Speaker 2: if he liked the idea right away, he would say,
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Speaker 2: let's do it, let's try, let's go for it. For
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Speaker 2: him to be struggling with it, he deep down made
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Speaker 2: a decision and he hasn't changed his mind, But now
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Speaker 2: he's wondering should he change his mind? Should he open
8:35
Speaker 2: up his mind because his wife is asking him to Well,
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Speaker 2: yes is the answer.
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Speaker 1: You should be open and you should listen. Like I
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Speaker 1: don't know if he is. I mean, he sounded pretty
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Speaker 1: sure to me. If he went through and got surgery.
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Speaker 2: Right, that's a big step.
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Speaker 1: You can change your mind.
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Speaker 2: And it would be another thing if he came and said,
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Speaker 2: I actually want to have children with you. I want
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Speaker 2: to get my vyszectomy reversed. But this is the opposite.
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Speaker 2: So it's requiring him to do something that he wasn't
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Speaker 2: necessarily expecting to do, and certainly it doesn't sound like
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Speaker 2: he wanted to do Otherwise he would not have written
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Speaker 2: in to us.
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Speaker 1: I didn't want it to be. It didn't seem to
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Speaker 1: be a suggestion by him, and the question right, But
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Speaker 1: I hope it's not relationship ending. Hope it's just something
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Speaker 1: they can get through.
9:17
Speaker 2: It didn't seem like it didn't seem.
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Speaker 1: But if those two people had met and started dating
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Speaker 1: and she said I definitely want kids, he said, I've
9:27
Speaker 1: had of a sectomy because I don't want kids. What
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Speaker 1: they have continued dating probably not. So now you have
9:33
Speaker 1: those same two people.
9:37
Speaker 2: Now married, four years into their marriage.
9:39
Speaker 1: And she is now the person who wants kids, so
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Speaker 1: he's going to have to change or the whole dynamic
9:47
Speaker 1: has changed, has.
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Speaker 2: It not correct? I mean, it's one of those things
9:50
Speaker 2: where she has to know, and I would assume that
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Speaker 2: she knows. She entered into this relationship with full knowledge
9:57
Speaker 2: that he could not biologically have more children in the
10:01
Speaker 2: state he was in, and she accepted those terms and
10:04
Speaker 2: accepted those conditions when she walked down the island married him.
10:07
Speaker 2: And it's okay that she's now that's awesome. Maybe even
10:10
Speaker 2: that their relationship, I'm going to assume the positive is
10:14
Speaker 2: so strong and so solid and so great she just
10:16
Speaker 2: wants to add to it. Hopefully she's not trying to
10:19
Speaker 2: save anything and create something where she has a connection
10:22
Speaker 2: to him, you know, a physical connection, but hopefully it
10:24
Speaker 2: is because it's so good, she wants it to be
10:27
Speaker 2: even better. And that's okay too. Everyone gets to change
10:29
Speaker 2: their mind, but you can't expect someone to get on
10:32
Speaker 2: board with where your head is if you had a
10:34
Speaker 2: different understanding when you walked down the aisle.
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Speaker 1: But folks, we were concerned that, yes, they might end
10:41
Speaker 1: up splitting over this. However, some of our advice included
10:47
Speaker 1: ways for them to definitely definitely stay together, and our
10:51
Speaker 1: advice to them will let you hear, was remember why
10:55
Speaker 1: you got married in the first place. All right, folks,
11:06
Speaker 1: Continuing now with our ask Amy and TJ edition of
11:10
Speaker 1: Amy and TJ going over our latest just drop today
11:14
Speaker 1: our newest Yahoo column. You can find it in the
11:16
Speaker 1: Life section on yahoo dot com. But someone wrote in
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Speaker 1: Robes asking about reversing of a sectomy now that his
11:22
Speaker 1: second wife, who initially said it was okay with getting
11:26
Speaker 1: married to a guy who had of aseectomy, now she's
11:28
Speaker 1: coming around and said, Hey, actually I think I want
11:31
Speaker 1: to have kids. In asking him to reverse, he's trying
11:33
Speaker 1: to figure out what to do Robes in making the decision.
11:38
Speaker 1: First things first, nothing has changed about them. She is
11:42
Speaker 1: still the woman he loves and he is still the
11:46
Speaker 1: man that she loves. Should we have to start with that.
11:49
Speaker 1: Nothing about nobody's changed political parties, nobody has all of
11:53
Speaker 1: a sudden got a drug habit. Nobody has changed. They
11:56
Speaker 1: still love each other. You have to start with that.
11:58
Speaker 2: I thought that was a really cool point that you made,
12:01
Speaker 2: because I hadn't considered it in that way. It's not
12:04
Speaker 2: as if someone did something or changed or or altered
12:09
Speaker 2: the relationship in a way. This is just look, things happen.
12:14
Speaker 2: People get job offers and you say, hey, we're gonna
12:16
Speaker 2: we're gonna live in Dallas and raise our children here,
12:19
Speaker 2: and suddenly someone gets a job opportunity in Seattle. You know,
12:23
Speaker 2: things happen that change what you thought the direction of
12:27
Speaker 2: your life was going to be in And that happens.
12:29
Speaker 2: There are deaths, there are illnesses, there are jobs that
12:32
Speaker 2: so much happens that are that is out of your
12:34
Speaker 2: control or at least just a changing opinion. It doesn't
12:38
Speaker 2: mean you're any different. And I thought that was a
12:39
Speaker 2: good way to look at it. This is still the
12:42
Speaker 2: relationship that it was before and it hopefully will be afterwards.
12:45
Speaker 2: And it's just a decision if you want to add
12:48
Speaker 2: something very big and very significant, and it is life
12:52
Speaker 2: altering to how children. And he knows that, you know,
12:54
Speaker 2: he knows that more than anyone. He already has two children.
12:57
Speaker 2: So that's maybe going into it with the knowledge that
13:02
Speaker 2: she doesn't necessarily have because you know, when we are
13:07
Speaker 2: fantasizing about having a family, I can just remember in
13:09
Speaker 2: you know, my early twenties.
13:11
Speaker 1: You look fantasizing.
13:12
Speaker 2: Well, I think a lot of women do they think
13:14
Speaker 2: about I met women and I had to look men too,
13:18
Speaker 2: I'm sure. But you look and you see the cute babies,
13:21
Speaker 2: and I didn't have Instagram back then, but just passing
13:23
Speaker 2: by beautiful families who seem like they're having the best time,
13:27
Speaker 2: and everyone's in these adorable outfits and it's just cute
13:30
Speaker 2: and fun and it seems exciting. But if you've actually
13:33
Speaker 2: had children, as this man has, you know the full reality,
13:38
Speaker 2: and you can intellectually know it, but until you've experienced it,
13:41
Speaker 2: it's a very different thing.
13:43
Speaker 1: Okay, last thing here, we'll put this through the test.
13:46
Speaker 1: We often say that human beings fail when we look
13:49
Speaker 1: at a situation. We're looking at the worst case scenario.
13:53
Speaker 1: So let's look at the best case scenario here and
13:59
Speaker 1: the worst. What is the danger? First of all, if
14:03
Speaker 1: he says yes and goes forward with it, what is
14:08
Speaker 1: the potential? Is the danger there is that he's going
14:10
Speaker 1: to end up being resentful or regret doing it. If
14:13
Speaker 1: he's doing it just to make her happy, is that
14:15
Speaker 1: the major threat?
14:17
Speaker 2: You know what? You say that, And it's funny because
14:18
Speaker 2: I just had this feeling wash over me. I remember
14:22
Speaker 2: my mom saying this when I actually Annalise was not planned,
14:25
Speaker 2: and she said, no one ever regrets a child. Once
14:28
Speaker 2: that baby is in your hands, you are not going, man,
14:31
Speaker 2: I wish I didn't have this baby. So I think
14:33
Speaker 2: you can have all that worry and all of that
14:36
Speaker 2: concern ahead of time. But worst case scenario, in this
14:39
Speaker 2: sense that he actually reverses his vasectomy and he has
14:42
Speaker 2: a child, I think might even be the best case
14:44
Speaker 2: scenario because he ends up with this beautiful baby that
14:46
Speaker 2: he's never ever ever gonna want to wish away or
14:50
Speaker 2: give back or wish hadn't been born. I mean, I
14:53
Speaker 2: mean there might be moments, no, I mean, yes, you
14:57
Speaker 2: trust me, there are moments every parent was taking I know.
15:01
Speaker 2: But in general, I'm talking generally speaking, that is not
15:05
Speaker 2: the case. I'm not talking about either at two am
15:08
Speaker 2: when the baby won't go to sleep, or when they're
15:10
Speaker 2: eighteen years old telling you to go f yourself. I
15:12
Speaker 2: get it.
15:15
Speaker 1: So that okay. So if he doesn't go through and
15:19
Speaker 1: do the reversal of vasectomy, what do you think the
15:23
Speaker 1: danger is? I guess with her in terms of her.
15:27
Speaker 2: Mood that she resents him and resents the fact that
15:31
Speaker 2: she never got to give birth or have a child,
15:34
Speaker 2: and it could and I do think if she really
15:36
Speaker 2: does feel strongly, if she has changed and that's okay,
15:38
Speaker 2: that it could end the relationship because she wants so
15:42
Speaker 2: badly to be a mother.
15:43
Speaker 1: Okay, that might be some of the thoughts people have.
15:45
Speaker 1: That's the worst second. Hal, I'm sure he has some
15:46
Speaker 1: of those thoughts too, but you just kind of named
15:49
Speaker 1: I was going to ask you the best case scenarios.
15:50
Speaker 1: But if we were looking for the best here, he
15:53
Speaker 1: reverses it. It works, they have a kid, and he's
15:56
Speaker 1: as happy and can't believe he ever even wrote in
15:58
Speaker 1: to us.
15:59
Speaker 2: Yes, I mean over the years, have you not had
16:01
Speaker 2: friends I certainly have where there has been a whoopsie
16:04
Speaker 2: and not even a marriage, but even and they've decided
16:07
Speaker 2: to go through with it, and I've just never looking
16:09
Speaker 2: at I've had two specific friend groups where this has
16:11
Speaker 2: happened and they love that child like nobody's business. And
16:16
Speaker 2: in that sense, I'm not saying, you know, I'm always
16:18
Speaker 2: an advocate for having children because obviously financial issues and
16:22
Speaker 2: a lot of other things have to be considered, but
16:24
Speaker 2: generally speaking, it's never a mistake.
16:28
Speaker 1: We certainly wish him luck in whatever he decides to do,
16:32
Speaker 1: and by all means we'd love to hear from him
16:34
Speaker 1: a follow up and update about what actually happened. We
16:38
Speaker 1: look forward now to hearing from you all. This is
16:41
Speaker 1: probably one of the most fun episodes we do every week,
16:44
Speaker 1: is to get the reaction to our column. Past couple
16:48
Speaker 1: of weeks, people getting a little bolder about criticizing everything
16:52
Speaker 1: we say. The criticism take issue, that's fine, you can
16:56
Speaker 1: bring it down a little bit.
16:57
Speaker 2: Yeah, we will not talk about the mean ones. But
17:01
Speaker 2: if there's some Fonner pointed ones or someones where I'm like, okay, actually, okay,
17:04
Speaker 2: you make a good point. Disagree, I'm all about the disagreement,
17:07
Speaker 2: just as long as it is not mean.
17:09
Speaker 1: Well, it's vivan that'll be coming your way. We usually
17:11
Speaker 1: do those on Wednesdays. We'll do that update. But but yeah,
17:14
Speaker 1: good luck to them. I know a lot of people
17:15
Speaker 1: can relate to. It might not have to do with
17:17
Speaker 1: the prosecting me and I just have to do with
17:19
Speaker 1: having kids and how many a lot of people deal
17:21
Speaker 1: with these things. So I'm very glad somebody wrote in
17:24
Speaker 1: once again being vulnerable as you said.
17:25
Speaker 2: Yes, Dad, can't decide. Thank you so much for writing in,
17:28
Speaker 2: and thank you for listening to this edition of Amy
17:32
Speaker 2: n TJ. The Esque Amy and TJ Version. I'm Amy
17:35
Speaker 2: Roebuck alongside TJ. Holmes. Have a great day, everybody,