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Make A Fist In Your Pocket · Not Right Now

• 0:00
  I love my kids and love my family. When we travel and Dana's like, "Let's FaceTime the kids," I'm like, "Do not involve me." [upbeat music] Welcome to Not Right Now, the podcast about parenting through all of this.
• 0:15
  We'll be talking about/crashing out over topics like screen time and vaccines. Banned books, and maybe just stop leaving your books on the car floor, damn it. It's not an advice show.
• 0:26
  It's a you're not alone, and you're also not crazy for screaming in the shower kind of show. I'm Claire Zulkey from Evil Witches. And I'm Quinn Emmett from Important Not Important.
• 0:36
  You can find details on anything we talk about in the show notes or at our website, notrightnow.show..show.
• 0:43
  And if you like what you hear today, please share it with a parent who needs it or who might laugh and tell their kids to be quiet, and then drop us a nice little five-star review.
• 0:52
  And reminder, you can send questions or feedback to questions@notrightnow.show. [upbeat music] We're back. Is everything fixed?
• 1:11
  Oh, yeah. Everything's great. Everything's all good. Nothing... Everything's... Nothing to talk about. But did you know that it's Lonesome Dove summer? It's Lonesome Dove fall?
• 1:20
  What, do you mean everybody's reading the book or watching the miniseries, which is totally underrated and fantastic and terrifying?
• 1:27
  So my college book friend, we always just trade book recommendations to each other, and she told me to read R- Lonesome Dove.
• 1:34
  So I brought it with me to Sweden on the Kindle, and it was going so slow at first that I started a book about- Mm-hmm... Area 51, just so I had something- Sure, sure, sure, sure, sure... to listen to. Mix it up. Uh-huh.
• 1:46
  And, and then little did I know that Lonesome Dove is a rollercoaster, click, click, click, click, click. And then once it goes down, holy shit. But I've just noticed it's just a zeitgeist book.
• 1:57
  I feel like everyone is reading it, or I didn't know that everyone has read it, and all of a sudden I'm getting Lonesome Dove Reddit recommendations- Sure... and Instagram.
• 2:06
  And my dad is reading it, and I have all these friends who have read it or love it, and I had no idea. And, 'cause in my mind it was just a m- 1980s miniseries that did not apply to me.
• 2:17
  Which you d- you have to watch, by the way. I will. I will. I s- I still need to finish the book, so I don't want to know what happens. I'm prepared for every character- Oh, shit. Okay... I love to die.
• 2:26
  Yeah, and- It's not fucking gr- It is, it is a real fuck around and find out testament. Yeah. Well, but it's amazing. So anyway- It's amazing... I just got a friend- That's what Dana read on our honeymoon. Oh, really?
• 2:39
  Mm-hmm. Yeah. A fr- a friend of mine just sent me a T-shirt that says, "I love whores," on it, and it has horses running on it. And I'm like, "This is perfect." So. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
• 2:48
  Yeah, Steve doesn't read fiction, and I'm gonna make him read Lonesome Dove so that he can, so we can talk about it, and I think he's excited about it. I, but I feel like it's the age. I don't know what it is.
• 2:57
  I think it's a certain age you get to and you're ready for Lonesome Dove. I'm not sure. Or maybe it's the area. You're, you're right. No, no, no. You're, you totally are.
• 3:03
  Can, can we pause for a second on a couple things? Why doesn't he read fiction? He just doesn't think it's [laughs] interesting. He doesn't think... He thinks only real life is interesting, and I get it.
• 3:12
  I do like nonfiction. He likes nonfiction about disasters. Actually, he just finished reading, or he had to stop reading.
• 3:20
  He did a do not finish on the Maggie Haberman regime change book 'cause it was, like, too fucking real for him.
• 3:26
  You know, he likes books about adventurers that go wrong, just, you know, behind the scenes on things that he cares about. But yeah, he... Every now and then I'll make him read- Yeah, that's basically what Lonesome-...
• 3:35
  a fiction book. Yeah, a fic- like an, a fiction book, so. And he... I think I've just said enough about Lonesome Dove that he knows he has to read it. So, so we'll, we'll see if I can convince him.
• 3:45
  I gotta do some thinking on this, 'cause I gotta get him back into fiction. It, it, there's too much good s- I love nonfiction.
• 3:51
  I love it, but I've kinda gone the opposite direction the past, oh, I don't know, Claire, 11 years, where I don't do a lot of nonfiction unless it's directly something I have to read for work. Yeah. Well, the...
• 4:01
  It's funny 'cause the Area 51 book, it is funny how it became less interesting than Lonesome Dove, but also it's good food for thought, like, when you think about... I, I don't...
• 4:10
  Do you know a lot about Area 51 and, like, all the things as a- This is a real-... Virginia person... sliding doors moment for this fucking episode. Yeah. Is how I answer this.
• 4:21
  Let me, I will, I will respond to your question with a question. Did you ever watch the Ancient Aliens show? No. I did go through an, a little aliens phase where my friend- Sure...
• 4:32
  Beck Schw- my friend Beck Schwartz shout out. Like, we have these weird crossover things that we're really interested in, which include dogs, Ferrero Rocher, aliens. Mm.
• 4:41
  And we, you know, we agree that aliens are real, and we believe all the document...
• 4:46
  Like, I, I read, I watched some Ne- Netflix series about aliens, and then I got fed another Netflix series about aliens, but this one was so dumb and so bad, and it included footage of an alien, like, looking in someone's window.
• 4:58
  And I was like, "If you're an alien with all the technology in the world to get to Earth, why is, like, a wind- why are you creeping around peeking into a window?" Like Belushi in Animal House? Right. Yeah.
• 5:09
  So anyway, but Ancient Aliens, I have not watched it, but I'm familiar with them/it. Look,
• 5:16
  it's, if you're, if you're a young 20-something who likes to drink a lot and come home to your DVR and there's 27 episodes of Ancient Aliens and you haven't recorded anything else, at some point you're gonna be convinced, you know, that- Yeah...
• 5:29
  how did, how did they build the pyramids? I mean, obviously your answer might be horrific slavery. Right. And I might say, "I don't know. All those blocks are the exact same size.
• 5:39
  How did they figure that out 2,000 years ago? I don't know. I don't know." Yeah. Well, first of all, let me remind you, or remind me to talk about showing Independence Day to the kids this summer. But also- Ooh...
• 5:51
  the, anyway, the Area 51 book, Andy Jacobson, I think she has another book out now that's, like, similar about, you know, all the ways that we are... Oh, it's, her book is about dirty bombs, like, coming out.
• 6:01
  But this Area 51 book has made me less worried about, like, microplastics and things like that because Why worry when we have been setting off atomic bombs all this time in the ground- Mm-hmm... in the ocean- Mm...
• 6:17
  in space? Why? And here I am washing out Ziploc bags, you know, or trying to figure out what to do with this, like, barely worn T-shirt. So it kind of like- Oh, my God... it's, like, weirdly refreshing in a way.
• 6:30
  You know, you can do what you want, but in the meantime, that's not gonna... You composting your coffee grounds is not gonna undo- Uh-huh... all of that. So- Well, it's a little- Kind of- Right?
• 6:41
  It's a little like the free will question. Do you think we have free will? I don't even know. That question is so dumb. Does it even matter? That's a great- Maybe... that's a great retort. Good. Right.
• 6:52
  So my understanding, the, my under- my, my understanding, which is, you know, a Homer Simpson hamster wheel, and the hamster's dying inside. It, the latest is, like, things happen so much sooner in our brain than
• 7:08
  they are acted out in any way, even if it's, like, me waving my fucking hand, that it seems very difficult to imagine that we have what we think of as free will. Mm-hmm.
• 7:19
  And you can either see that as terrifying, which, fair, or, like you said, very freeing. Which is washing out this plastic bag with water that is full of microplastics, by the way. Yeah. Or- Right...
• 7:35
  when we've nuked everything, and clearly it doesn't matter. It doesn't- Yeah... it doesn't matter. Right. Right.
• 7:41
  Why would I go to the retail shop to find cotton shorts for my kids when I can just order the cancer ones- Plastic ones... online- Uh-huh... from Old Navy?
• 7:49
  Or- And you don't even have to ask, does this have maestro pla- microplastics in it? 'Cause it is just microplastics. Right. And then you have your answer. Yeah. Uncertainty right out the window.
• 7:58
  And what do you think you're gonna do? Live long so that you can be old with all those jerks who do the peptides and the young blood and the, you know, New Zealand, you know, bunkers? Like- Right.
• 8:09
  Also, it's gonna be, why would you wanna li- it's gonna be so much worse in 50 years. Like, why do you wanna be around for that? Yeah. So yeah. That's sort of, like, how I used to be afraid of flying.
• 8:19
  And I don't love turbulence still, but- Mm... as I've gotten older, I've realized the part that makes me more anxious is all the parts that I can control.
• 8:26
  Get into the airport on time, and, like, making sure my TSA- Mm... has been, you know, w- approved. But once you're in the sky, just lay back. You know? It gets none of your business what happens next.
• 8:37
  So that part is kinda nice. I actually did, like, exposure therapy about that. I, I don't know if it was, and maybe we've talked about this, like, having kids.
• 8:45
  I didn't used to care/give a shit, and then I used to get, like, really nervous flying. Especially when the kids were little. Oh. Whether they were there or not.
• 8:52
  And I actually did, I, this, 10 years ago or something, I would go on YouTube, and you can find videos that are, like, real time, first person, someone walking through an airport, someone waiting, getting on the plane, the plane taking off, and you just do it, like, 1,000 times.
• 9:06
  And- Mm... I, I think that's helpful. Or I stopped caring again. Yeah. Probably some combination of those.
• 9:12
  So I don't mean to derail the conversation with this, but I got the great experience of traveling by myself for 10 days this summer. Mm-hmm. And
• 9:21
  I gotta say, it was like, what's, I don't know what a good sim- simile would be. It'd be like dragging around 150 pounds of baggage for 12 years, and then all of a sudden letting it go.
• 9:33
  [laughs] Just the act of waiting in line at, at a crowded international terminal, and the little, tiny satisfaction you get realizing that it's only you that you have to worry about, and not anybody else.
• 9:44
  And just getting, as you're in a long passport line in Frankfurt, Germany, with people freaking out and asking if they can cut in front of you so they can get ahead to make their connection, that it's only you, and you're not telling some kid to not be bored or to not screw around or to s- hold their pee.
• 10:01
  Just what a treat that was to do flying by yourself and not have to remind your kid to use the bathroom before it's time to start descending. All of these things. It was amazing. Highly recommend.
• 10:12
  I think this is not taking us off track. I, when I proposed doing Coping Period Two, I hope that's how I call it. When I proposed doing- Sure... Coping Part Two, Version Two, whatever it is, the redo.
• 10:24
  What did, what did they, what was the Charlie Sheen Hot Shots Part Deux? Oh, my God. And I thought it was very funny. I, I mean, I considered your trip as part of this coping conversation.
• 10:35
  So let, the, again, I wanna come back to it, back to school. Hey, we're back, everybody. This is really great. It, everything is a lot all of the time. There are things we're all doing every day.
• 10:45
  There are societal things that have changed or gotten better or gotten worse. But I wanna hear about, I wanna hear about the trip a- from the perspective of coping.
• 10:56
  And like you said, the, you don't have to overthink it, but let's make that sort of the frame of, was it what you needed it? And tell me, again, how each part, like the standing in line, like you said,
• 11:07
  or the planes landing in 45 minutes and being like, "You should go fucking pee now." And they're like, "No." And you go, "No, you, you should.
• 11:14
  This happens every time," and then you gotta pee really bad and you're mad at everybody. You didn't have to do that at all. Tell me about it. No. I mean, there's so many different parts to it.
• 11:22
  On the one hand, it was exciting and also nerve-wracking to think of all the logistics that were only about me, and at the same time, I had all of these different flights to catch and trains to catch, and I had to be in sort of three different cities before we even kicked off the actual physical part of the trip.
• 11:39
  And so that was strangely nerve-wracking, even though it was only me, and maybe it's 'cause it was only me. I didn't have the anxiety to spread it around, perhaps. Mm.
• 11:48
  But at the same time, like, flying by yourself for nine hours, what a treat. And I had a lay down bed.
• 11:55
  And I mean, still even in a lay down bed in a plane is still not great, but I had, you know, you, I got, I splurged on business class, which is very fancy. Mm.
• 12:04
  But I sat down, and I had a little, you know, like, little kit, like a little toiletry kit, and that was fun to open up and- To decide what to watch and, you know...
• 12:15
  Because when I fly with my kids, at least with our younger one, James, like all he wants is the screen time, but then you have to make sure that his screen time is fully facilitated.
• 12:23
  You know, that he has a charger, that he has Bluetooth, that his Bluetooth is connected. You have to remind him to eat, get off screens to eat. Remind him to pee, get off screens to pee.
• 12:33
  You know, time to put, they put down the, the iPad to get off the plane, then he's all crabby. You know, so just that. Just that me alone, you know, just that alone was fantastic.
• 12:44
  Getting to a hotel and just a little teeny European hotel room for just me, just...
• 12:49
  It reminded me of when I lived in a studio apartment in Wrigleyville before I was married and had kids, and it was like this perfect little lady space in the sky.
• 12:58
  You know, not too big, not too small, just right, just for me.
• 13:02
  And then in Stockholm, I had jet lag, which I hadn't had in a long time, and what a thrill it was to just have it be me and knowing that all I had to do was stay awake for whatever, five hours.
• 13:15
  So I just walked around town without even, you know, doing major sightseeing, just kind of tolling around on my, with my g- you know, Google Maps and here's a, here's a castle or whatever, and walk by that.
• 13:28
  You know, here is some food hall. Let's look through this. We won't buy anything, but that's okay. Let's just check it out. Here's a restaurant with outdoor seating.
• 13:37
  Sit there, read Lonesome Dove as you watch people walk by and, you know, explore that. You can't do that with kids.
• 13:43
  There's no sitting in an outdoor restaurant quietly with a book, watching people go by, noting, you know, how many dads are pushing strollers or wearing babies, and how women look chic and cool and, you know.
• 13:57
  So just that alone before I even kicked off the exploration part of it was fantastic, and that's not even to talk about the hiking I went on where there was no...
• 14:08
  I was noticing the last time I was ever somewhere when there were no planes in the sky and no helicopters in the sky was on September 12th, 2001. That was the last time I noticed something like that.
• 14:19
  And so that was fascinating, especially I feel like the way that helicopters over Halloween, like ice helicopters, became extra menacing.
• 14:28
  'Cause in Evanston, when there's a lot of tr- like helicopters in the sky, it usually means there's some kind of car accident or someone might have drowned or someone is going to the hospital.
• 14:37
  And then the ice helicopters was even more terrifying. So total quiet in the sky.
• 14:44
  The only garbage I saw on my entire trip was like what I think was a tiny piece of like aluminum that, you know, covers usually like a, like a travel toothpaste tube.
• 14:55
  I s- that was the only piece of garbage I found on the ground, you know. And I, I'll, let me pause with that, but just that kind of stuff alone was amazing and very fulfilling.
• 15:05
  I kept saying, "This is exactly what I wanted. This is, this lived up to all the advertising that advertised the trip."
• 15:11
  I ate vegan food, like delicious, filling vegan food, and I was like, this is what it's like to eat healthy, you know?
• 15:18
  And then I came home and had three double cheeseburgers of course, and you know, a million pounds of candy. But let me pause there. It was fantastic. Let me put in the links. Let's put in the show notes.
• 15:27
  Linda McGurk, she led the trip. This was a pilot experiment of hers to see whether she could lead these small women's trips in Sweden, and I thought...
• 15:37
  And it's like a double-edged sword, 'cause on the one hand I was like, everyone I know should take this trip. On the other hand, this is a part of the world that's not super popular.
• 15:45
  It gets not really populated, and you almost hesitate to be like, "Everyone go check it out." But I was like, I've never seen something like this, which is exactly what I wanted. That was 100% the, the goal.
• 15:57
  So let me pause for a second and drink my non-alcoholic Waterloo- Mm-hmm... blackberry lemonade, Kim. No, this is all really great.
• 16:05
  How much of each of those moments did you predict or foresee ahead of time as part of the experience of I need this particular thing and these, I'm, I'm going to enjoy each of these?
• 16:19
  Or how much was it, "Oh my God, I'm in a line and I don't have to answer questions. I don't have to worry about someone else's screen time?" Or w- which do you think would've been more pleasant?
• 16:31
  Knowing like, I'm gonna get on and not have to think about it, or realizing no one had fucking talked to you in two hours on the plane? Like... All of it. I mean, that was all what I...
• 16:39
  So part of what I made me want to do this trip a little bit was that Paul's school, my older kid's school, does a Europe trip at the end of, or they do it every couple years, like a study trip to England and France.
• 16:52
  And he did not get off the wait list to do this trip, which I'm kind of glad about, 'cause it was expensive and eighth grade was like a full-time job, and graduation was like the culmination of it all.
• 17:02
  But I was thinking back to those of us who are privileged enough to get to go on school trips abroad or study abroad, what a gift it is to just, to just pay the money and show up and have someone guide you around and set the itinerary and tell you why something is important.
• 17:20
  And I, you know, we are so lucky that we've been able to take these kids to Colombia and Mexico and Costa Rica, but I do all the planning for that, which is fine, like the planning is part of the fun of it.
• 17:32
  But I was like, I was so excited about the idea of my job is to pay, to set aside the time, to get myself there, and then from then on I sit back and relax.
• 17:43
  But also, I wanted something completely different, 'cause I wanted to go to a place I'd never been before and probably never would go before if I didn't have someone to show me around.
• 17:53
  So, 'cause like now we're thinking about maybe taking the kids to Iceland, uh, you know, sometime in the future. But in that case, we would be doing the planning.
• 18:01
  And so in this case, I kinda got the study abroad experience, but I also knew just like when I go away for the weekend, just like when you're not doing laundry for anyone else, you're only thinking about your meals.
• 18:14
  Like this is when, like when girl dinner like becomes a joke, but it's true when you're like- I can just eat popcorn and cheese and some like grapes for dinner, and I don't have to worry about making it for four, or putting protein in.
• 18:28
  You know, just something where you just rinse off a plate, like one little plate, and that's it, you know? Yeah. Like, we all... The ladies on the trip, I'd never met them before- Mm...
• 18:36
  and we all were moms, which I think was maybe helpful. But I was... We lived together so well and all cleaned up after each other, and were so polite.
• 18:46
  And then I get home from my trip, and Steve had cleaned up, to be fair to him or to give him props. Like, he made the house nice for me when I got home. But it was just like
• 18:55
  the minute before it was like crap everywhere, you know? Some of it was my crap, but it just... Instant garbage everywhere, you know?
• 19:03
  Whereas like when four, five moms are together, we're so careful about just being polite and keeping all of our stuff very discreet, and cleaning up after each other, and yes and no, thank you, put this away.
• 19:13
  You know, put our towels where they're supposed to go. And you... So that part also was its own, its own delight. It was wonderful. I can't imagine. And would you do it again?
• 19:27
  Almost like a, it's like a mom sabbatical kind of, right? Where it's like- Yeah... you can't do this every six months, something like that. Even forget the price. It's like a lot.
• 19:36
  We all have lives, even besides our children. Would you do a version of this again in a different place? How much of the place?
• 19:45
  'Cause the pictures look like it was pretty special, and like you said, you don't want it to become overwhelmed like everything else. Especially it sounds like everywhere else is overwhelmed.
• 19:53
  Would you do a version of this again, and any of it you would change, or be like, these are the tent pole things have to be set? The, the physical part of it was pretty, was semi-intense.
• 20:08
  Like, we did an 11 and a half mile hike kind of right out the gate, and maybe that's not a big deal for you, but that was for me, and I trained for it.
• 20:17
  But we climbed this mountain, and I come from a flat place and I, I guess in my head really, I was like, we were gonna just walk up this mountain. It would just be a path up the mountain somehow. Mm.
• 20:29
  And then the part when they told me... 'Cause I use those like hiking poles, which like were sort of a... When you live here, they look kind of absurd when someone uses them. I needed those.
• 20:39
  We were climbing, we were like climbing over rivers, like climbing over streams. Sometimes you had to take your shoes off 'cause there's no path through it, you know.
• 20:48
  And a lot of times things were really marshy and watery.
• 20:51
  So when we were climbing that mountain and I was told there'd be a part where you have to put the poles away 'cause you need your hands to climb, I was like, "Oh my God."
• 21:00
  And it was both like physically taxing, like from a cardio point of view, but then my knees felt so crunchy and swollen and tired.
• 21:09
  So that was the one thing that was like, I don't think I could match that part of it ag- again. Like maybe some other version of it, like you guys did kayaking in Alaska, you know, I could maybe do that.
• 21:20
  But I'm getting a little bit too old and too fearful to do things like... Like even horseback riding in Costa Rica, I was like, my one stirrup was like too long or too short, and my knee felt crazy, so...
• 21:33
  And I have this fear- And that's so funny 'cause you sent me that picture of you on the horse, and it looks so glorious in that- Mm... what you don't see again is one, the pure fear. Yeah.
• 21:42
  Like the h- the, the thing that's too long, and you don't even have enough horseback experience to know how and, and why it might be the different ways it might be wrong, but it can't be right, you know? Yeah.
• 21:54
  Like, oh, shit. Yeah. And like with both experiences, you're both like, I could really hurt myself, like get paralyzed doing this. Christopher Reeve. But then... Yeah, th- all the... What I thought about the entire time.
• 22:06
  But then I was more, even more worried about like a tiny little injury like, 'cause I have...
• 22:11
  And this is, I know this is not a real problem compared to like cancer and Lou Gehrig's disease, and like all these things that people I know are dealing with.
• 22:19
  But I was just like really terrified about doing some little injury and then having to be in a boot for three months and not being able to exercise.
• 22:27
  That's such a non-problem, but I know so many women who get these little tiny injuries, and then they're out of it for their routine for a long time, and they can't exercise.
• 22:36
  It makes them depressed, and they feel crabby and, and just not what they are normally. So in a weird way I was more worried about like a small injury than a big injury. But I would do this again 100%.
• 22:47
  I think, again, having nature, like I love where I live. I love Evanston. The lake is natural and beautiful, but like this, these big skies and these mountains, that was just something I don't see a lot.
• 23:01
  We have still never... I have not explored the American West very much, and I would love to, but I also have a feeling like, and we're... I, I have a feeling like we... It's too American to be like- Mm...
• 23:13
  as pristine as, as this was or anything close to it. You know, the Instagram of it all, and drones, and like people with speakers. Swedish people are so polite and, and mindful of that kind of thing.
• 23:26
  Like it was interesting. We were talking about, it was three Americans, one Canadian of us, and we were...
• 23:32
  We Americans were asking Linda, the Swedish tour group la- lady, we were like, "Basically, do people smoke weed when they camp?" Mm. Because they do it so much in America. And she was like, "It's illegal here, so no."
• 23:44
  And f- we were like, "Ha ha, what illegal?" Like that would ever stop an American.
• 23:48
  But like that is not the culture at all, and it was kind of embarrassing and shameful to be like, people get high all the time when they're camping.
• 23:56
  Or when, I guess when you're skiing now, it's really normal to be on a chairlift and someone in front of you is like smoking a doobie, you know, in the chair in front of you, and it's blowing back.
• 24:06
  And I was like, that, that feels embarrassing that we can't enjoy nature sober, basically.
• 24:12
  And then we were also talking about how in America it's so normal to be like at the beach or wherever, camping, and someone has their music blasting- And she was like, "They would never, they would never do that in Sweden."
• 24:26
  And I was like, "Why are we so rude?" Like, why do we, why are we... So they- We, we impose ourself, you know? Yes. Yeah... in, in a way that we were a- and then aghast
• 24:37
  that anyone else, one, would- wouldn't enjoy it, but two, would be offended by it. When we were at the beach, my, my niece, 12, 13, there's a guy at the beach downwind smoking a cigar, and she was like, "That's awful.
• 24:54
  What is that?" And I explained, I said, "Well, that's... It's not a cigarette, it's a cigar, and you can tell by how it smells. This and this." And she goes, "Is it allowed?"
• 25:00
  And I was like, "I don't know the answer to that 'cause we're in a different state, and also it's open air and, and all this, and it's a cigar and all this." I said, "Go ask the lifeguard."
• 25:09
  And she go asked the lifeguard on her, on her own volition. Went and asked. Lifeguard went and talked shit to this guy. Turns out it is legal, but it doesn't mean it's not shitty, you know? Right.
• 25:19
  'Cause everyone else will deal with it. This is a [laughs]... Okay, it's sliding doors.
• 25:23
  This is always my speech to people about religion, where I'm like, hey, man, if it brings you comfort, you know, in a world that's pretty fucking scary at times, great.
• 25:32
  You want a plane taking off, you feel like you need to pray instead of knowing that they're safer than cars, great. That's totally fine. Don't put that shit on anybody else, though. Mm-hmm. Don't smoke your cigar.
• 25:42
  Don't blast your music. Could you... Literally, at m- at one point, the nicest day at the beach. It was so chill, perfect day. This music starts blasting. One of the kids goes, "What's that?"
• 25:52
  I go, "That, well, that's Mr. Worldwide. That's Pitbull, and now we all have to fucking listen to it." And there was no choice. Right.
• 25:58
  'Cause you thought you were enjoying yourself, but you weren't, and now this DJ, you know, unasked for freelance DJ comes along. But it was funny 'cause I learned also, and I can't remember the f- the Swedish phrase.
• 26:09
  I'll, I'll look it up.
• 26:09
  But there's a phrase that translates to make your fist and put it in your pocket or put your fist into your pocket for when you're pissed about something but you're not gonna complain, so you just make...
• 26:20
  You just put your... It's like not being a Karen, basically, and complaining. You just grit your teeth. I guess when- But is that being a Karen? Fuck off. I don't know. I know. Well, but it was, like, a good...
• 26:30
  I thought it was fun, kind of cute, and, and the Am- I guess the American version of grit is grin and bear it, which I don't like as m- I, I like put your fist in your pocket- Mm-hmm...
• 26:38
  or make your fist in your pocket better. But yeah, just, I don't know, to just, like, when you're, when is it time to pop off? You know, do you need to complain all the time or, you know- Sure...
• 26:47
  and, uh- No, that's fair... I like imagining the s- the secret fist and so yeah, that was a great one. Also candy. I was a fun mom.
• 26:54
  This is something, you were asking me if I miss the kids or if I was gonna miss the kids, and I thought about this a lot, and I did not miss my family.
• 27:02
  But I did look forward to telling them about my trip, and I don't know if that's- That seems fair... different or the same thing.
• 27:09
  But they- No, I think it's different, but again, like, I have all these notes down about kind of like when you said before the show you're going to take a preventative pee, about, like, the self-awareness- [laughs]...
• 27:19
  that w- you, you have to have at this point of, one, our age, but two, how long we've been parenting and through fucking all this. Like, the self-awareness to be like, "Well, obviously I'm gonna go pee." Yeah.
• 27:29
  Like, what kind of question is that, you know? But it, again, like, your self-awareness of no, I'm gonna not miss them for a minute, and that doesn't change anything. That doesn't do anything.
• 27:40
  Is it a reflection of my life right now and them and life? Yeah. And I'm a whole human, but I do look forward to telling them about it. But yeah, that, I feel like that's, that's important.
• 27:51
  You know, we go places, and again, damn, it's like the fucking about page of Evil Witches every time. I love my kids and love my family.
• 27:58
  When we travel and Dana's like, "Let's FaceTime the kids," I'm like, "Do not involve me." Mm-hmm. Like, I'm, I'm good in this minute eating this brownie in bed. Can I please just have this without- Yeah...
• 28:10
  I, some snickering in the background. Yeah. I was just talking to a friend of mine who reminded me to circle back to peeing, by the way, but- Mm-hmm...
• 28:18
  I was just talking to Melissa Walker, who I know you've talked to- We can-... from Stage Door Clicks. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, she's amazing.
• 28:24
  But she and I were talk- We had lunch on Monday, and she was saying she felt bad how much she enjoyed when one of her kids, her more, you know, spirited child, was away at sleepaway camp, and I completely identified with that 'cause I felt the same way.
• 28:38
  But I was like, you know, it's okay. I think it's fine to be like, I'm gla- it's nice to not do bedtime, you know? Yeah. Or it's nice to not be haranguing someone for a week and, and it's not a punishment to them.
• 28:51
  They're off having a great time. I'm sure they're enjoying not being parented. Like, I- What's the madman? I don't think about you at all. Yeah. I mean, 'cause I felt the same way.
• 29:00
  Like, what a nice thing it was to not have to do bedtime for a week and, or like, what a...
• 29:05
  And this sounds so messed up, but, like, when the cleaners were coming, you know, we always clean up for the cleaners 'cause there's just, like, sports cards everywhere. Mm-hmm. The cleaner shouldn't...
• 29:12
  So we are always telling James to clean up, you know, and he doesn't wanna do it, so we're nagging, and then he snaps back, and we snap at him.
• 29:20
  But what a weird treat it was to just, like, unilaterally take all of his shit and put it in a bag and put it in the, you know...
• 29:27
  And the better lesson is, like, clean up after yourself, but, like, kind of, kind of a treat to just do it yourself without telling anyone to do it. So yeah.
• 29:36
  But another thing about the trip and then my middle-aged is that I, like, have to pee in the middle of the night no matter what I do. It's gonna happen. 100%. And I've, I've learned that.
• 29:44
  And it was funny 'cause, like, it was the sun never set while we were up there, so we had to both...
• 29:51
  Every time that we were camping, there was an either an outhouse or, like, a bathroom house, so you had to leave where we were sleeping to go to the bathroom.
• 29:59
  So it was kinda nice that the sun never set, so it was never dark out. Wouldn't need to go outside to pee. But, uh- Mm. Mm-hmm... I, I decided to, I decided, you know, I kinda just gave that up.
• 30:08
  I was like, there's no way. You can pee all you want before bedtime.
• 30:11
  You're still gonna summon a little bit of pee, you know, along the way, and that's my new stage of life is, like, you'll never get to, like, inbox zero of your bladder. There's always gonna be- No. No, no, no, no, no.
• 30:22
  No, no, no, no. Yeah. And I don't know if it's, again, it's, like, body sm- whatever it is, at some point you- You, because of everything else and because of its inevitably, inevita- inevitability- Mm-hmm...
• 30:35
  at some point you have to stop questioning the why and just go, "This is, this is who I am." Yeah. Yeah. 'Cause we would like...
• 30:42
  I, you know, in the morning I would drink a lot of coffee 'cause that's what I do, and have breakfast, and then we're gonna be out hiking for God knows long, and you have to pee or poop outside.
• 30:51
  And I'm fine with the pee, I really didn't wanna poo because you have to carry your, you know, everything with you. And so it was a win that I never... I saved all my poops for when there was a toilet going out.
• 31:03
  There's no version of me doing that. There's no ver- I am, I am automatic. And but also, I've been walking dogs for so long and I... It's poop.
• 31:09
  You know, like I tell my kids all the time, I'm like, "The n- the amount of poop I have touched in my life because of you people and animals," doesn't phase me in the slightest.
• 31:17
  I just didn't wanna carry my own, 'cause everything is all together, including your garbage, and I didn't w- So I don't mind touching my, like, food wrappers, but I didn't wanna be handling a garbage bag that had my own poop on it.
• 31:30
  And so that was a tiny win that I, you know- Sure... I had control over. You can take that. But- That's fine...
• 31:37
  well, I, one of our travel mates, it made me laugh because she has a son about Paul's age, and we bonded over that, over our kids playing Geometry Dash and their love of wearing white socks outside and things like that.
• 31:47
  Mm-hmm. And she's a real cool lady, and she is an attorney, and she and her husband at one point paused their careers for a year. I think they quit their jobs to travel for a year before they had kids.
• 31:58
  But she was so nervous about peeing outside and peeing in public, she would see people coming a half mile away and m- be worried about peeing outside. And I was like, "How could you care?" Especially- Hmm...
• 32:09
  it's not a guy whipping his dick out. You- Mm... when a woman pees, it's just like a little squat. Yeah. You can't even tell what's happening.
• 32:16
  So I was like, "By the end of this trip, I'm gonna get you to not be scared to pee outside." But, um- I mean, I remember having pee anxiety growing up. We would do these long band trips on the bus, and I would be like...
• 32:27
  And you'd have to pee in the bath- in the, in the bus bathroom with 70 people sitting around you, and I could never... It was very painful. Now, don't care. But- Yeah...
• 32:37
  the, but the poop thing truly, as far as again, sounds like nature was an important part of it.
• 32:42
  It sounds like the being able to travel a long distance by yourself, 'cause you get some separation of church and state, obviously transition and- Yeah... appreciating all the points.
• 32:48
  If you told me you get to do all these things and miss bedtime, all the positives, all the negatives, but you're gonna have to carry your poop, I'd be like, "Great. Keep go- Oh, yeah... What's the rest of the list?"
• 32:58
  Like, I- Yeah. I wouldn't have, I would not have canceled the trip because of that, that's for sure. But yeah, it was, it was a nice bonus not having to touch my poop. Um- Was it long enough? Was it ch- was it too short?
• 33:07
  Was it too long? All in- It was long enough.
• 33:10
  10 days, like back to 10 days all included, you know, and I was ready to like sleep in my own bed 'cause like aside from a couple nights on each end sleeping in a hotel by myself, which was a huge treat, I was sharing bunk beds either with one other woman or with four other women.
• 33:27
  So, you know, I was just looking forward to like h- closing the door, washing my clothes of my own accord. You know, seeing the dogs.
• 33:34
  Steve sent me a lot of pictures of the puppies and, and that was, you know, I miss them. I also, for all the complaining I do about the candy and sugar that my kids eat, that was my main souvenir for them.
• 33:45
  So we went to... I guess Swedish candy is really trendy right now, and one of the women on our trip is kind of clued in onto what candy is popular. There's one called Bubs, B-U-B-S, that's really trendy.
• 33:57
  It's just like a gummy candy. I don't know, I'm not a gummy candy person. But we went to a candy shop and I just scooped all of this candy into bags for the boys.
• 34:06
  Then we got home and I was like, "I have two souvenirs for you," and the first were some rocks I collected from the mountain. You know, and they're like, "You know, who cares?" And then I was like, "And also..."
• 34:15
  And then I, like, poured all this candy- Mic drop... onto the table. Wow. And yeah, yeah. And I'm never fun. I never get to be the fun parent like that. So that was...
• 34:24
  I was excited about that, so that- Does that make you wanna be the fun parent more?
• 34:27
  Well, yeah, obviously, but also I couldn't anymore 'cause it was time for me, it was time for Steve to like fuck off and do whatever it is that he did. So my... Like, I start...
• 34:36
  Well, one thing, and I can't critique him 'cause I wasn't there, but he took them out for dinner every single night. So, like, I made it my job to cook dinner right away. Yeah. You know, right off the bat. Yeah.
• 34:45
  It was funny, I asked James, I was like, "Did you guys even notice I was gone?" And he said, "Things started to get a little out of hand." And I guess, like, he meant that the dishes piled up a little.
• 34:56
  I thought it was funny that I am the like f- like they notice that I guess I keep the trains running on time and, uh, you know, without me there everything went to pot.
• 35:05
  But was one night where, one day where Steve forgot to cancel the cleaners, or he thought I had canceled the cleaners, and I got a text from the cleaning lady saying, "Are we still coming?"
• 35:14
  'Cause I guess they let themselves in the house, and the dogs were running around, and, like, the house was not picked up.
• 35:18
  And Steve, I was texting from this mountain base, like, with the cleaning lady and Steve being like, "What..." You know, triangulating. Mm-hmm. And I was like, "Can you just figure this out?"
• 35:27
  You know, but so that was one example of things, I guess, going to hell, but worth it. I don't need, I don't care. You know, it doesn't matter to me what, what hap- I missed the most of the wildfire bullshit.
• 35:40
  Like, we, I landed in Toronto I think at the tail end of it, so I saw some of it, but, like, the kids had sports games canceled, you know- Yeah... camp canceled. But, um- No, it was pretty gnarly there, for sure.
• 35:51
  Enough about me. Tell me about what advice you would give to someone who was at a beach house and had six kids staying at it, three of whom are not theirs. What lessons did you learn that you would pass on?
• 36:03
  I corrected you in the outline. It was seven children because- Oh... somehow my oldest managed to have two friends. So here was, here's the setup. When I was... So we go down to Duck, North Carolina, right?
• 36:20
  The outer, the Outer Banks. People can call Nags Head. Nags Head's a little more south.
• 36:23
  It's this huge long stretch of, of islands, and there's some that's north, Duck, and then the Corolla area, and then you basically get up to Virginia Beach. And then there's south, and it goes on and on and on.
• 36:36
  That's where you get into like Roanoke Island and, and Nags Head, all this different stuff. Mm. I haven't been south in a, in a, in a long time, since like high school. It's a little more hippie, which is great.
• 36:45
  But it's, it's a far enough drive for us to, to duck. It's 2:15 if you're a psycho like me, but a justifiable psycho who makes your family get in the car at 5:45 AM to avoid traffic. 'Cause it's either 2:15 or six hours.
• 36:59
  Oh. And I think the first time I brought Dana and like baby Oliver, we were stuck in like the shortcut at the end to the point where she was like breastfeeding while he was in his car seat sitting in traffic.
• 37:10
  And I was like good- Oh... either she's gonna let me leave at 5:40 AM, 5:45 AM, or we're never coming anywhere ever again. Oh. We've been going back, which is great. It's annoying.
• 37:20
  I, I pull it off by we pull up to this very popular breakfast place the second it opens. We get to be first in line. That's how I justify it.
• 37:29
  So we've been going down, but when I was younger, and I understand it more now when our kids are, are this age, my parents... And again, we used to go back to school after Labor Day. I don't know if you guys did that.
• 37:40
  'Cause school started, but yeah, the kids have been in school since the start of this week. No, but I mean, did you go to yours- Oh... to, after Labor Day? I don't remember.
• 37:47
  I think we were at the school in August like we do- Okay... now, but I don't know. So we were always after, right after Labor Day, right? That's a long fucking time. And like- Yeah...
• 37:55
  activities, and we didn't really have camps and shit. My babysitter was like the community pool. That kinda ended like first week of August, and my parents, there was no remote work. There was nothing like that.
• 38:05
  But we would go down there, and then it turned into two weeks, and then it turned into a little longer. And now I realize like fu- fuck off. Get, go out of the house and complain about being bored, but at the beach.
• 38:16
  Yeah. And you can go meet kids on the boardwalk and drink and do dumb stuff or, or whatever. And now it's even a little more built up but in a nice way.
• 38:23
  And so I basically told my kids at the beginning of the summer, and apologies folks, I don't remember if we talked about this.
• 38:29
  I said, "Listen, we're gonna do our family week where we put everyone under one roof, and then after four days everyone's mad at each other. It's fine." Mm-hmm. "That's the expectation," whatever. It went great.
• 38:38
  I said, "I will book a second week if, and i- and i- and you can each bring one friend that I have to approve
• 38:48
  if you don't fucking complain one day this summer about what day you're going to swim practice, what day you're going to camp. Is it half, is it full day? I'm, my legs hurt." And I made them sign contracts.
• 39:00
  I will send you a picture of it. I will put it in the show notes. And every day I fucking shook this contract at them. I said, "Do you want this? It's ref- this is refundable. I will take it away."
• 39:11
  It was not refundable, but whatever. Because I love it down there. Mm-hmm. It's a way to sign off. I want them to have more independence, which we can have plenty of here, but it's nice down there.
• 39:23
  They really like it down there. Yeah. I want the summer to kind of feel a little longer. And that time with friends is great, but it's not so fucking chaotic of like school time and activities. Right.
• 39:33
  And so basically I spent the summer like trying out their friends. This is a little like my share plate policy where I put on the food that they're allowed to have, and then they feel like they have a choice.
• 39:44
  I obviously- Mm... handpicked these children. I don't know how Olive, our oldest, ended up with two, but they're both phenomenal kids.
• 39:50
  So my three kids, my wife who wasn't even supposed to be down there the whole time, but she worked the whole time. Great, don't care. Oliver had two friends. Middle, Charlotte, had one friend, and Henry had one friend.
• 40:02
  So seven total kids. One day there was eight 'cause there was a young kid in town who was staying with their family, and their family's like, "Can you watch him for the day?" I was like, "Throw him in the ocean.
• 40:12
  Don't fucking care." Mm-hmm. I loved it. I thought it was great. These kids, first of all, this is kinda key, of the four kids that were not my kids, three are military brats. Mm.
• 40:24
  And so when I wrote them the rules, like the morning, the night before we left, they all stayed at our house so we could leave at 5:45 AM.
• 40:30
  I said, "Here are the rules for the week about devices and cleanup and all that shit." I mean, you've never seen a cleaner fucking kitchen after every single meal. I mean- Wow...
• 40:39
  Dana had this moment where she said, "Boy," you know, we got there and it was like a little kitchen and it's a lot of people, and as you know, big kids eat a lot and this and that.
• 40:47
  And e- she said she mumbled out loud, "It'd be easier if the microwave was like over there." And then she kept going on, and then she turned around and the boys had moved the microwave to where she- Oh, wow...
• 40:55
  hoped it would be. And she was like, "What the fuck?" I didn't even ask them to do it. They were just like, "We're on it." And again, no one's kids are perfect, but again, trying out these kids all summer.
• 41:05
  I love them to death. They're fantastic. They were great. There was some really funny stuff like my daughter Charlotte's friend, little friend of her, this little sweet wisp of a thing, she's an 11-year-old only child.
• 41:20
  Mm-hmm. So she had for a week five brothers, and she fucking nailed it. Talk about a nightmare scenario.
• 41:27
  And again, these were good kids, and they were ver- all very kind to each other, and they all sort of knew each other or knew each other. Everyone was really good to each other.
• 41:36
  They followed the rules where I was like, I think, let's see, the device rules were devices are never in the be- in the bedrooms. Yeah. They have to live in a bowl on the counter.
• 41:44
  And again, my kids didn't have any, so this is just their friends. Have to live in the bowl on the counter. You may use it from, I think, 1:00 to 2:00 PM during the day where I can see you. Mm-hmm.
• 41:55
  And you can use it from 5:30 to 6:00 PM at night. Text your parents when. And they were really good. It was always in the fucking bowl. They didn't bring them- Yeah... down to the beach.
• 42:02
  They didn't sneak them into their rooms at night or anything like that. And so they hung out. They played a fuck ton of Mahjong with my wife. They were more into it than she was by the end.
• 42:11
  They carried the shit down to the beach every morning. We were like, you know, across the street or whatever, umbrellas. I was like, "You want a chair? You're bringing a chair. Want a boogie board? You carry it."
• 42:19
  They were great about that. They hosed everything. It was fucking great. Is it exhausting sometimes?
• 42:23
  And it was so funny, the little, the little girl, our guest, I ordered all the groceries on the first day and they showed up, and she was genuinely concerned. She's like, "What the f- what the fuck is all this food?"
• 42:32
  And I said, "Sweetheart, this is not gonna be, there's not gonna be any of this tomorrow. It's all gonna be gone." Oh. And it was all gone. And immediately she's like, "Oh, this is what I'm dealing with?" It was great.
• 42:41
  It was really great. Oh, let's see, another rule, I said, "You can go down to the beach without an adult. You cannot go in the water without an adult." Oh. They totally respected that, and I think they enjoyed it.
• 42:51
  I didn't know where they were. Yeah. And that was really nice for them, I think. I rented some bikes, but I didn't r- rent helmets, and so Dana said n- none of the bike riding into town, which is totally fair. Mm-hmm.
• 43:00
  But I would've liked for them to have that ability. We didn't...
• 43:02
  That house was not as close to town, but otherwise they would've been able to walk or bike down to ice cream or food or a shop or, you know, your kids going down the block. It was great. I would love to do it again.
• 43:12
  [laughs] I mean, frankly love to just use the same kids again, though they do have other friends. I, yeah, I wanted them to feel some
• 43:19
  independence, and they're all just s- still s- even the big boys are like s- they just wanted to boogie board the whole time and have a blast.
• 43:25
  I mean, every parent knows this, and you don't care when it's your m- your kids being taken away, but it's, they're all babysitting each other. 100%. They're not bothering you 'cause they're all... So it's selfish.
• 43:35
  Even though you're being extremely generous, you're also like, "This is the easiest parenting I've ever done."
• 43:39
  Well, and that's the thing, and I know, again, you have attempted purposefully or, or accidentally to be the hangout house t- three times in the past six months and hated every minute of it.
• 43:47
  Like, again, like, I enjoy, 'cause I, like, I try to set my own expectations, which is shit's gonna be everywhere, but I yell at them all the time.
• 43:55
  But then, "Hey, if you guys ever wanna do this again, th- you, this is what you gotta do." Like, I- Mm. There was, like, a little hangout room, you know?
• 44:03
  And I, and with a shitty little poker table, and like, there was a mini fridge. I filled it with bubbly water, and they're like, "Oh, this is fucking awesome," you know? Mm-hmm. It's like, what did that cost me?
• 44:11
  You know, for, like, you got your Wellington water or whatever it's- Right. Waterloo. Wake up in the morning- Yeah... they're like, "Oh, look at all these, all these unfinished waters." I was like, "You fucking liars."
• 44:20
  Yeah. Yeah. But I don't know, man. It was nice. It made... It felt, it, that week, immediately after our family week, which was lovely, felt much longer in a great way. Mm-hmm. In a great way. Yeah.
• 44:33
  I knew, I had kinda told work, like, "Look, I'll be available for some stuff." I was not. Like, Dana does not love the ocean herself, much less being responsible- Mm... for other kids.
• 44:43
  So I was lifeguard the entire time, which was fine. Mm-hmm. I was a little annoyed at myself for, like, telling work I would be present, 'cause it required some things. Mm-hmm.
• 44:52
  I would've rather just been like Lonesome Dove, watching kids at the beach. Yeah. But they stayed up, made their own choices, but I was like, "I don't care. You just have to be at the beach at 10, out of the house."
• 45:01
  And they were pretty good. Yeah. That's great. And they, they did their own sunscreen? How was your, what was your rule with the sunscreen? We don't fuck with that.
• 45:07
  There were, like, sunscreens scattered at every touchpoint. Mm. They were good. They were, I was like, "Like, do my back." I said, "No, there's 12 of you. Fucking do your own backs. Figure it out."
• 45:16
  And they're like, "Okay." We had a hilarious moment one night. I kinda surprised them, and I haven't been, haven't had a chance to use this yet, though I want to. I got this kind of insane outdoor projector, right?
• 45:28
  'Cause I was like- Oh, fun... I was like, "We're gonna watch a movie on the beach." Mm-hmm. And you need a screen. And so a friend of mine has, you know, the 80-inch, like, you carry it in a bag, you set it up.
• 45:37
  It's not complicated. Yeah. And I was like, oh, 80's not enough. So I got a 200-inch one, which requires, like, five humans. Oh. Well, the beach can be a little windy. Well. So we tried to set up, I surprised them.
• 45:50
  I was like, "Guys, tonight we're watching," I don't know what we said. Cool Runnings on the beach. Mm. Beautiful night, this and this. And, you know, a breeze at the beach feels nice. Until- Yeah...
• 45:58
  you've got what is basically, like, a sailing vessel sail. Yeah. Right. Imagine they put out their biggest sail if they wanted to catch a pirate. That's what- Sure... me and a bunch of 11-year-olds were trying to set up.
• 46:09
  It was a shitshow, but also we had fun. I don't know. That's cute. And- That's fun... so. That's great. We, uh, let, I don't even know where to begin.
• 46:18
  We, the boys had an honorary little sister this summer, 'cause we were carpooling with a, with friends whose youngest daughter was in the same summer camp as them.
• 46:26
  And as boy parents, we adored this girl, 'cause she's, like, the one who would be, like, she's, "I heard you had a good time in Sweden. Tell me about it." You know, she's eight. You know?
• 46:37
  Or she'd be like, "How," you know, "How is Bonita?" But James- Uh-huh... especially found her so annoying, and he'd be so mean to her. She would say, "Bonita just gets cuter and cuter."
• 46:48
  And he'd be like, "You've only seen her once. How would you know?" But it was just funny to see. James would not fare well as a middle child. I think we all always knew that, but it was just funny to see him out...
• 46:57
  He is such a little sibling, and it was funny to see him out, out-younger-siblings-ed by someone else, someone younger and cuter- Oh... and more demanding than him. But- Henry does not handle that well.
• 47:05
  He instantly becomes, takes all the cliches of what a big brother he thinks they should be and fucking ruins it for whoever the small child is. That's so funny.
• 47:15
  We had, there was a, I don't remember what account it was, but I saw some family Instagram saying, "Middle child win, oldest kid fucks up."
• 47:23
  But yeah, we have, we'll have to talk about this more next time, but we are in a w- new world right now where Paul's in high school, and he is doing crew from 6:00 to 7:30, and James is back in the old school, and he has football from 5:00 to 6:30, but actually the c- secretly the secret rule that you have to be there 15 minutes early, although that's not on the calendar.
• 47:46
  So they are completely ships in the night right now. And, and honestly, it's kinda nice, I have to say. I- Mm... for, I have been
• 47:54
  tell, I mean, one of the coping things we talked about was just lowering my expectations or asking for help where I need it, you know, or whatever it is. A- and one of them was like,
• 48:05
  I am just gonna do my best with this dinner thing. I'm gonna not be mad if we have to order in. I did crockpot chili last night. I hate chili. I, I killed chili during COVID for myself. If I never have to eat- Sure...
• 48:17
  a cumin bean meat dish again, but they all like it, and you can- Great... make it ahead of time, so I put that out there. And so yeah, even James was like, "I don't, I haven't seen Paul all week."
• 48:28
  And but they're not fighting, so that's pretty nice. Here, again, this is, like, the coping self-awareness, the whole, like, doing a favor to your future self thing.
• 48:36
  I feel like if there was a theme to our, our, our upcoming season besides you got two kids in the two schools for the first time. I, I get it. I got a daughter in middle school now. I've been there.
• 48:45
  And, and coming off your trip and all this, it's like- Lower your expectations. Mm. It's just, yeah, you're not gonna be together for dinner. There might be some wins in that, you know? Yeah. And if you gotta- Yeah...
• 48:56
  order shit, great. Like last night we, we were at open houses. Charlotte had new to middle school, and then Oliver's was the returning, and Dana asked him to be there early to help her.
• 49:07
  He immediately fucked off and was a dick about it, which like, I get he wanted to be with his friends and be like, "Hey, Mrs. J," you know, these teachers.
• 49:14
  But I'm like, remember when you were fucking terrified two years ago? Yeah. Come on, man. And didn't do any of that. Right. And then this, and Dana's like, "Well, now we gotta go home and make food."
• 49:22
  I'm like, "Just go to Cava and don't get me anything. I'm gonna have a peanut butter..." Yeah. We, we have to start with just- Yeah... triage. That's it. Why, why would you add dirty dishes to the mix of anything?
• 49:34
  Like- Why? I'm not... This is for me. I'm, this whole thing, lower your expectations. I don't know. Yeah. I don't know. No, it's, yeah.
• 49:42
  Well, another thing that we have going on, and we can talk more about this as well, 'cause it's still kind of fresh, but we now have a child with a cellphone- Yeah...
• 49:50
  and we made a contract and everything and, but I had a moment last night where I started to text Steve to say, "Tell Paul that," I was in the basement- Mm...
• 49:59
  doing some laundry, and there was like an open Cheez-It bag on the floor. And I was about to say, "Tell Paul to clean it up," and then I was like, wait a minute, I can cut out the middleman.
• 50:09
  And I did tell Steve, I was like, "Tell Paul to check his messages," 'cause like he is actually being really s- conscientious about not having it where you shouldn't. But I was like, this is nice. I like this. Mm-hmm.
• 50:18
  This is, I don't, you know, and- That's a problem.
• 50:20
  I will sometimes text Oliver's iPad, which he's not supposed to be on all the fucking time, 'cause we're so annoying about it, and be like, "Get ready for baseball practice." And he'll immediately respond.
• 50:29
  I'm like, I'm annoyed you were on it, and- Right... I'm really glad that I know you got the message. [laughs] Yeah. The system works, semicolon, fuck the system.
• 50:37
  They, yeah, he last night said, I said, "You have rowing, you know, practice." And he, and I, and we'll see, we're gonna see how this rowing thing starts or how it goes. I know nothing about rowing.
• 50:47
  I know nothing about the sport. It's funny how many people have described it as beautiful, which seems suspicious somehow to me.
• 50:55
  But they, at the parent meeting, they were saying like how much the kids have to advocate for themselves, and it's on them to be in charge of their own schedule and all, and I'm like, this is great. I love this.
• 51:05
  So Paul, yesterday I said, "You have crew practice," and he said, "I thought we didn't have practice today." And I said, "You did, and here is a QR code that you can scan with your own little phone- Mm...
• 51:16
  to get the calendar into your phone so that you have no reason ever again to not know when practice is." And I- Wow. All right... love that. Uh-huh. Love that for us.
• 51:27
  So yeah, I'll have to share the contract with you, 'cause I relied on Ch- I gave Chat a, a template, and then I was like, I was like, "Make this appropriate for a thir- a 14-year-old kid. Add in these things."
• 51:40
  And then I added in a few other little details like, "Don't be mean to your brother with, don't wave it, don't make him acutely aware that he doesn't have one." Mm-hmm.
• 51:48
  And I was like, "You have to always answer when we call." And, and then I was like, "And don't ever take it into the bathroom." Mm-hmm. And he was like, "Why would I take my phone in the bathroom?"
• 51:57
  And I was like, "Oh, you sweet child. No, not that."
• 51:59
  One of the best Onion, I, it was either Reductress or Onion a couple years ago, I sent it immediately to my wife, and it said, quote, "Sorry, I just got this," end quote, says woman who hasn't pooped without her phone in 10 years.
• 52:10
  And yeah. Yeah. My friend Nikki told me she has one friend in particular that she always is her texting friend when she's pooping. And I was like, that's great. That's a good friendship right there. Yeah. No.
• 52:20
  Um- That's great. That's dedicated time. Nobody else gets that. So okay. We're gonna wind up in a little bit, but tell me, so are all kids in school right now? Who is doing what sport? No, they start on Monday.
• 52:30
  Which, oh, okay. But we've got, yeah, that's a, I was gonna go through my list with you. Here's things that need to set up. Yeah, what's the state of the union?
• 52:35
  So we have to go to a, an one more, more, our last year of elementary school. Oh. We gotta do that open house this afternoon because it, why would it be not during the workday? Oof.
• 52:44
  I have to email the fall baseball league about what days of the week Oliver's games might be, because I have to
• 52:55
  get back to his wonderful piano teacher about what night he can do half an hour of piano a week, 'cause she's really booked. I have to put his brass band practice schedule and gig schedule into the calendar.
• 53:07
  I have to look and see if I already put in the travel swim meets. New middle schooler is signed up for rec volleyball, which is not that long, but I gotta figure out when practices and games are.
• 53:17
  But she's also the sixth grade manager of the school volleyball team. Sixth grade you can't play, but you can be manager. One of those, and what is she responsible for?
• 53:27
  I will be coaching Henry again, so I have a little more control over that. Oliver has his swim practices, which we don't know the schedule of because the facility has not told us when we're able to do that.
• 53:39
  And again, it sounds crazy. It's exact same amount we did before. Like nothing has changed.
• 53:45
  It's just, I think I've mentioned before, during the summer, for whatever reason, the only activities we have at night are five Monday night swim meets. That's it. And it is- Mm... really nice.
• 53:56
  And going back to this, I'm just like, Jesus, this is all the time? It's a little bit like how you walked back into your house and you were like, "Trash everywhere," immediately.
• 54:03
  It's like, no, that's actually your day-to-day life. Holy fuck. Yeah. We, you were yelling at me 'cause we agreed to be the room parents for James' sixth grade class. Ugh. But two things.
• 54:14
  First of all, the bell tolls for thee. I was actually talking to my friend Jen in about, 'cause she agreed to be PTA president, and I was like, "Oh, you dummy. Poor thing. You know, that sucks."
• 54:26
  And then, and then this came, and I was like, what is that movie, The Time Is On My Side, like the John Goodman movie where you touch someone and then- Yeah... and then they- Uh-huh... they carry death with them.
• 54:34
  So I was like, "That's you." But I don't know. I just was like, if not us, who, then who? I know. Like nobody is less busy than us. It's, I think it gets easier with every passing year.
• 54:45
  Plus- I got Steve to co-do it with me because our school is still very matrilineal, and I was like, "You will be setting a good example being a man room parent," you know?
• 54:55
  And, and then I ended up speaking with the mom who asked me at the ice cream social, and I... And she's cool. She gets it, you know?
• 55:02
  She, of course, has, she has her own million things going on with kids, and she's a realtor, and she organizes these bike rides in town to raise awareness for bike safety.
• 55:10
  It's not like she's just sitting at home thinking, "This is all there is to life." And then, and then she and I immediately got deep into grief talk, like parent grief talk, you know?
• 55:19
  And, and it was great because I actually have never really spoken to this mom, and we went deep, hard- Mm-hmm... fast. That's what she said. But he...
• 55:26
  We get there, you know, and we're just talking on the school playground and, you know, sweating and wearing our floral outfits, and James walks by bitching about the ice cream he got.
• 55:36
  He didn't like the flavor of it, of it- The free ice cream you said, right? Yeah Okay... that I drove him to. And I was like, "Fuck off." I wis- I said, "Who the fuck cares?"
• 55:45
  And she, unfazed, you know, which I was like, she gets me. New friend. You know? So yeah, exactly. Congratulations. Welcome. So yeah, so whatever, just add it to the pile.
• 55:54
  And we phased out Paul's guitar classes because he was only taking a half hour a week. He was barely practicing. We even scaled down to not practicing at all, and I was like, "Something's gotta give," you know?
• 56:08
  If you care about this enough, someday you'll pick it back up again, but we can't... And it's not cheap, you know? So yeah, so we'll see about that. And then ch- baseball is done.
• 56:18
  I was kinda mad, and I might, I'm gonna try to work into Evil Witches about this, 'cause travel baseball has eaten up house baseball.
• 56:24
  Paul was on a house baseball team that had half of its games canceled 'cause they couldn't get enough kids together half the time to have games 'cause all the other kids are in travel. Yeah. And I don't know.
• 56:34
  Honestly, I, part of me, I put my fist in my pocket. I was like, I could complain to the league about like why did we pay for this, you know, but also- Sure...
• 56:42
  w- who is, who, who is the man, you know, who is gonna give me satisfaction from this? Nobody, you know? Mm-hmm. It's fine. It was whatever.
• 56:49
  But I do, I do know enough Evil Witches whose kids are in travel that I wanna be like, how do you explain yourself? Not explain yourself. No, I get it... but how do you, hmm...
• 56:58
  it's like Henry gave me shit because he's our youngest, and he's quite good at baseball. I'm really enjoying coaching him. I have no interest in coaching travel for the logistical obligations itself.
• 57:10
  We're just doing, sounds like house league is, or, you know, or rec league. It's whatever. It's Babe Ruth. It's super chill. I have a ton of control over it, this and that.
• 57:19
  And, and he's like, "Well, can I try out for travel?" And, and he knows my answer's basically no, and he gets it, and it's fine. And I'm like, "Can we just, can we like wait a minute? Like, I get it.
• 57:28
  I want you to enjoy that, but can we have a minute?" Like, you're, you're... Is he 11? I don't think he's 11. I don't fucking know. He's 10 or 11, whatever it is. But I was like, "Can we just have a, a minute?"
• 57:37
  He's like, "Well, my friend's doing seven and under travel." I was like, "First of all, fuck that." Right. Second of all, I was like, "No." He's like, "Well, Oliver's swimming is like travel." And I'm like,
• 57:46
  "Yes, but there is no like rec league option," you know? Yeah. And we go to the same place every time. So I get it, but also like, it is every travel baseball parent I talk to is like, "We do not live at our house."
• 58:01
  Mm-hmm. "Typically. We're not here." Yeah. "We're never here." And I'm, I got three kids- Yeah... and chores and shit I wanna do. Yeah. I don't know. Yeah.
• 58:10
  I, yeah, I, I am, I think it'll be a good conversation, 'cause there are some people out there who like make it their lives and assume that there's no other life besides that, and then there are these people like fighting the good fight, you know, or at least they're like, "This is not right," and even though I'm part of the system, I hate the system.
• 58:26
  And so I'm just curious to hear like how they, how they get through it. But, uh- And again- You know... I would love to literally sit outside and watch baseball games all, all day.
• 58:35
  Genuinely would love to do that, but the logistics required for me to enjoy that are not, I would like to give up the ship. It would make me wanna give up the ship. Yeah. I love watching baseball.
• 58:49
  I'm excited the Sox are playing t- another matinee today, but I don't miss the dust in the house and the last-minute screaming about where's my socks or my hat or the sunflower seeds or tying up the cleats or the, you know, kinda praying that it'll be canceled and, you know, just I don't honestly miss that.
• 59:11
  And so yeah, Paul's, I kinda like this whole like crew thing of I don't know what the hell. I like the mystery of it.
• 59:16
  It'll be a complete I don't know anything about it, and it's none of my business, which I, which I appreciate, but, um- Mm-hmm. No, it's nice. Well, we've got a bunch of great new subjects. You have a high schooler.
• 59:28
  We're doing crew. We got, I got a second middle schooler. Fall- Summer camp. We even talked about Paul has female friends now all of a sudden. Female. That sounds crazy. Yeah.
• 59:38
  We're, we're barreling into that, into, again, we'll save it. Cliffhangers, they say. What, Paul, what kind of beer he thinks he's gonna start drinking when he starts drinking. Oh, yeah... Paul, all the stuff.
• 59:46
  James revived summer camp, which was amazing. Oh, yeah. Des- despite his convictions that he would not, he enjoyed it and in fact- So weird... had a tantrum his first night back saying, "I wish I was back at Camp Echo."
• 59:58
  So- And you were saying... that was hilarious. Start walking, motherfucker. Then, well, the night before, he was popping out of bed so much with anxiety that I said, "Shut up"
• 1:00:08
  at like 10:30 at night to him without even an apology or walk back or anything like that. Mm-hmm. So- Mm... but let me go back to the beginning. Independence Day, have you- Yes... watched it recently?
• 1:00:19
  Have you real- watched it with your kids? No, but I fucking love that movie. Don't ruin it. I'm not ruining it. I just haven't seen it- Okay... for a long time. Did, did the kids like it? I... Yes.
• 1:00:29
  James was scared of the alien stuff, which I don't, don't blame him for. It was- Okay... it kinda is scary. You know- Sure... the part in the lab w- whatever- Yeah... when the- Yeah.
• 1:00:38
  I forgot how great Will Smith was at his peak. So when we were at the beach, the boys put on Bad Boys 1 And Martin Lawrence at his peak, Will Smith at his peak. And I was like, "You guys have no fucking idea." Yeah.
• 1:00:52
  Will Smith was enormous. He was so good. Yeah. He was so perfect. And sort of a weird tie- tie-in because of six degrees of separation, I showed James Grease over the summer 'cause he- Oh...
• 1:01:03
  I don't think Paul would've done it. It was... And Steve kinda was like, "I'll watch the first half," begrudgingly, 'cause he always thought of it as a chick movie. Mm-hmm. You know, 'cause it was.
• 1:01:13
  And from a, his filmmaking perspective, he s- ended up watching the whole thing with us. He was blown away by how much was happening the entire movie in terms of the scale of it. Oh, yeah. You know, the set pieces.
• 1:01:25
  And I was like, "This movie is still great and it's not just nostalgia." I mean, it is absurd how everyone is our age, you know, playing high schoolers. Yeah. Like, how dirty it is, and we had- Oh, yeah... no idea.
• 1:01:37
  You know, when she's like, "What is this, a gang bang?" [laughs] I had no idea. But, oh, that was really fun. That was... I was so happy. Great rewatch. Good summer double feature for sure, so. That's a good one. Anyway.
• 1:01:47
  That's a good one. No, we'll do, we'll do Independence Day for sure. That's a great p- Bad Boys, not a, not, not appropriate for a lot of kids. Really great. Yeah. Michael Bay at his finest.
• 1:01:56
  Lot of hilarious shots, but oof, yeah. We showed Paul Speed also before James came home, 'cause I was like, "It's too, too violent for him."
• 1:02:04
  And it was funny, he had the same takeaway that I did, which I always felt incorrect about, but he thought Sandra Bullock was super annoying in the movie, and I was like, "She is kind of annoying in it."
• 1:02:14
  But good pre- That's-... great premise for a movie. Okay You know? And, uh- Oh, it's so good. Yeah. So good. Anyway, okay. I think that's good. Um- This is great. This is great. We're back. We survi- we made it.
• 1:02:24
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