Latest / Dear Chelsea / How Do I Put This… with Laura Wasser

Transcript

How Do I Put This… with Laura Wasser · Dear Chelsea

0:00
Speaker 1: Okay, well, good afternoon or good evening, whatever time you're
0:03
Speaker 1: listening to this podcast. Good day. I am on my
0:07
Speaker 1: first full completed week of not smoking cannabis out of
0:11
Speaker 1: a paper. Where's that going? I mean, the first couple
0:17
Speaker 1: of days, I was grossed out by myself because I
0:20
Speaker 1: was coughing, and that made me grossed out by cannabis.
0:23
Speaker 1: But it didn't last very long, and I feel a
0:26
Speaker 1: mental clarity that I haven't felt in a while, so
0:29
Speaker 1: I feel the benefits of it for sure. It's really
0:32
Speaker 1: just not that hard to stop smoking pot well, and
0:34
Speaker 1: you cough quite a bit while you're smoking, so then
0:36
Speaker 1: there's a come down period where you're coughing more right,
0:39
Speaker 1: well like cough when I don't smoke the good joints,
0:41
Speaker 1: like when they're not the proper joints or they're chemically treated,
0:44
Speaker 1: like that's why you want the own natural organic you
0:47
Speaker 1: know me? And I'm just like such a Quaker about
0:50
Speaker 1: everything I put into my body because it's a temple.
0:52
Speaker 1: So there's a lot of power in taking a break
0:55
Speaker 1: from something, especially when it's got a hold over you,
0:59
Speaker 1: like our friend Shane, which brings me to my next question.
1:03
Speaker 1: Who is in contact with Shane. I don't know that
1:05
Speaker 1: anyone's been in contact. I think someone from the heart side,
1:07
Speaker 1: Catherine has our producer Catherine. What's the status is Shane
1:10
Speaker 1: also staying off the weed? Shane is also staying off
1:14
Speaker 1: the weed. Feels very clear, doing well and yeah, oh wait.
1:20
Speaker 1: And there was another screen grab that I sent you,
1:22
Speaker 1: Brandon of a woman who said she was going to
1:24
Speaker 1: do the thirty Day Detox with us too. She DM
1:27
Speaker 1: me on Instagram and said she was going to quit
1:30
Speaker 1: weed for a month, and I said, please do it
1:31
Speaker 1: with us. I think a lot of people are. I've
1:33
Speaker 1: seen a lot of conversation online where people are already
1:36
Speaker 1: invested in this path of no canvas for you and Shane.
1:40
Speaker 1: I don't know if people think it will last, but
1:42
Speaker 1: they're very interested in it. Well, I mean, it doesn't
1:44
Speaker 1: have to last. That's what the beauty of it is
1:46
Speaker 1: is that it only has to last for thirty days.
1:48
Speaker 1: You can last for thirty days, yeah, yeah, yeah, I
1:51
Speaker 1: mean I'll definitely last for three weeks. I can't. I
1:54
Speaker 1: think probably the other thing is is that I don't
1:57
Speaker 1: have a very competitive side to myself in terms of
2:00
Speaker 1: like having to prove a point or beat somebody at
2:03
Speaker 1: something so I could see myself like quitting before I
2:06
Speaker 1: reached the thirty days because I just don't care anymore
2:09
Speaker 1: and that's something I've had to live with my whole life. Well,
2:12
Speaker 1: we'll have to check in with Shane. I think we
2:14
Speaker 1: should get him back on the phone at some point
2:15
Speaker 1: to get a real update on what he has going
2:17
Speaker 1: on and how it's affected his work life. Right, that's
2:20
Speaker 1: an important update. There's also an important update. Have you
2:23
Speaker 1: been watching Mayor of Eastown Brennan? I just want someone
2:28
Speaker 1: yesterday and they're like, I'm not getting anything done. All
2:30
Speaker 1: I'm doing is watching the show. Yeah, it's really good.
2:32
Speaker 1: I watched each episode twice so that I really understand
2:35
Speaker 1: what's going on and I want there to be a
2:36
Speaker 1: new episode of it every week for the rest of
2:38
Speaker 1: my life. Is it a limited series or is it
2:40
Speaker 1: a series? It's a limited series because Kate Winslet is
2:43
Speaker 1: in it. Yeah, they're all limited series now or maybe not?
2:46
Speaker 1: Maybe no, maybe it will be another year. I don't know.
2:48
Speaker 1: But she is fucking awesome, Oh my god. And the
2:52
Speaker 1: accent is a little bit much, but it's that's the
2:55
Speaker 1: SNL skit that they did Kate McKinnon did it about
2:58
Speaker 1: my daughter's murder ditter dirt or fund or murderer accent
3:02
Speaker 1: was really funny. But the show is really good. I
3:04
Speaker 1: just love detective dramas. I also tried to watch a
3:08
Speaker 1: show called Luther with Idris Elba and he was so hot.
3:13
Speaker 1: Oh god, so he's distracting. Yeah, he's so sexy that
3:17
Speaker 1: I googled to see if he was married, and he was,
3:19
Speaker 1: and I had to stop watching the show. Well, they've
3:22
Speaker 1: discussed him being the new James Bond and I could not.
3:24
Speaker 1: I've never watched James Bond. I have zero interests. But
3:27
Speaker 1: if he was James Bond, I would have my act
3:30
Speaker 1: at the theater. Yeah. Yeah, he's he's pretty hot. And
3:33
Speaker 1: he's tall. You know that's nice too, A nice tall,
3:36
Speaker 1: masculine and not one of these actors that you see
3:38
Speaker 1: that looks tall and then you meet them and they're
3:40
Speaker 1: like underneath you, any tyke. It's like, how are you
3:43
Speaker 1: not even a real person? You're a whisper of a man.
3:47
Speaker 1: Just a little itty bitty thing, a little itty body,
3:49
Speaker 1: titty committee. That's just what you need. A committee that
3:52
Speaker 1: I will never be a member of. Should we get
3:56
Speaker 1: into it today. I feel like there's a lot to cover. Yeah,
3:58
Speaker 1: are we talking to Laura Walser today? We are talking
4:00
Speaker 1: to That's a lot of relationship perspectives. Issues, people need
4:05
Speaker 1: your thoughts. Okay, well, I'm excited to dive right into it.
4:08
Speaker 1: You know, interpersonal affairs are my number one passion projects.
4:11
Speaker 1: I don't know that we have an affair today, but
4:12
Speaker 1: I'm sure we could find well, just interpersonal relations. It
4:16
Speaker 1: doesn't have to be an affair, but if we could
4:18
Speaker 1: find one that would be better. Yes, all right, to
4:20
Speaker 1: be hurt. Well, for this week, we had a lot
4:22
Speaker 1: of submissions and they all had an overarching theme of
4:25
Speaker 1: like uncomfortable conversations that you have to have with different
4:29
Speaker 1: people in your life. And we've had to have a
4:31
Speaker 1: few of those together and separately that then we've discussed
4:34
Speaker 1: what do you mean separately, like you've had to have
4:36
Speaker 1: an uncomfortable conversation with a friend or someone that you
4:39
Speaker 1: work with. I got to have one someone in my life,
4:41
Speaker 1: like my mom right inviding you about it. So we're
4:45
Speaker 1: all having them all the time, it seems, because this
4:47
Speaker 1: week they're very The key is to continue having them.
4:50
Speaker 1: Yes they are, yes, right, right, right, the more uncomfortable,
4:54
Speaker 1: the more necessary. Probably, I would think so, because there's
4:57
Speaker 1: no way to get around some those topics and you
5:00
Speaker 1: just have to. And for one of them, I thought
5:03
Speaker 1: that we would give an expert a call, even though
5:05
Speaker 1: we are experts in our Yeah, why do we need
5:09
Speaker 1: any more experts? Well, sometimes I think it's good to
5:11
Speaker 1: get a third opinion. Okay, a third Okay, well not
5:14
Speaker 1: more than a third, though, that would be too many
5:15
Speaker 1: cooks in the kitchen. So after this break, we'll get
5:18
Speaker 1: right into him. Okay, this first submission, I'm gonna have
5:23
Speaker 1: to look up what this even means. I truly don't know.
5:26
Speaker 1: I have a general idea, but this is a written
5:28
Speaker 1: submission that says, Dear Chelsea, how do I tell women
5:31
Speaker 1: I'm into cut holding? Do you know what that is?
5:33
Speaker 1: Cut holding? Well, yes, I mean cut holding is like
5:37
Speaker 1: to have another man's woman, like to be in a
5:42
Speaker 1: relationship with someone else's wife. I would have had no
5:46
Speaker 1: idea what that is. I had to google it. It
5:49
Speaker 1: is for a man, a cuckold is having a sexual
5:53
Speaker 1: relationship with another man's wife. Okay, yeah, right, it's so
5:58
Speaker 1: desiring actly what you can't have. And do you know
6:02
Speaker 1: anyone who has done this. God, it's hard to decipher
6:05
Speaker 1: between shows I've seen an actual friends of mine because
6:09
Speaker 1: they kind of all blend together. So it could be
6:12
Speaker 1: a TV show that I'm watching. But yeah, somebody likes
6:15
Speaker 1: to have sex with somebody who's married because it gives
6:18
Speaker 1: them all the freedom to not have to really participate
6:22
Speaker 1: in the relationship but get the sex when they want it.
6:25
Speaker 1: Does this man watch his wife have sex with another man?
6:28
Speaker 1: Is it just something that he allows? So wait, say
6:30
Speaker 1: it again. I thought you said he likes to have women.
6:32
Speaker 1: Cup Hold it. It doesn't have to be his wife. Okay,
6:35
Speaker 1: this is the Google definition of a man make another
6:39
Speaker 1: man a cuphold by having a sexual relationship with his wife. Yeah,
6:43
Speaker 1: so you're having sexual relationship with the wife of someone
6:46
Speaker 1: else's husband. It's not your wife, it's someone else. Yeah,
6:51
Speaker 1: you like to have affairs with married women, but the
6:55
Speaker 1: husband knows. Isn't that like part of the whole dynamic?
6:58
Speaker 1: So again, are they watching? Is this just an exit?
7:01
Speaker 1: I mean I don't know. I mean they don't always know, though,
7:04
Speaker 1: I mean I think it's up to like whatever the
7:07
Speaker 1: party is. But what what's he asked? Well, he wants
7:09
Speaker 1: to know how to address that. How does he broach
7:11
Speaker 1: that subject? Don't know, I mean, I don't have any
7:15
Speaker 1: advice on that because it's all it's cheating, and you
7:19
Speaker 1: know how christ like I am, I hate cheating. I
7:24
Speaker 1: think it is just so cowardly the morality. Yeah, so
7:28
Speaker 1: as long as you're involved with someone being cheated on,
7:32
Speaker 1: you know, even if you're not cheating on someone and
7:34
Speaker 1: the person you're fucking is cheating on someone, Yeah, like
7:38
Speaker 1: that's a guilty party. I know, shit happens. Like we've
7:40
Speaker 1: all fucking you know, we've all done it, and we've
7:42
Speaker 1: all been in bad situations where we made poor decisions.
7:45
Speaker 1: But seriously, okay, So hypothetically, then say that cut holding
7:49
Speaker 1: is an approved situation for one involved. What if a
7:53
Speaker 1: man came to you was like, oh, I want to
7:55
Speaker 1: fund someone else's wife, like they all know and approve
7:58
Speaker 1: of this. Yeah, it would be hard to not pass
8:01
Speaker 1: my judgment on that, Like that's so gross. First of all,
8:05
Speaker 1: men can't talk about fucking wives anymore, Like that's a
8:07
Speaker 1: wrap on that ship sail. Yeah, the ship is sailed
8:09
Speaker 1: about men talking about whatever they want to fuck, like
8:12
Speaker 1: no one cares any more. Parties over so that already
8:15
Speaker 1: annoys me. So if we flipped the switch and we
8:17
Speaker 1: say cuckolding is basically a man allowing his wife to
8:23
Speaker 1: cheat and know about it, he's the one being cuckolded. Yeah,
8:28
Speaker 1: it's the man whose wife is out on loan like
8:32
Speaker 1: a rental car. I see, And I don't know. I
8:34
Speaker 1: always thought the cuck holding and it wasn't even a
8:36
Speaker 1: cheating aspect, because it was something that was set up that, like,
8:39
Speaker 1: this guy liked either watching his wife have sex as
8:42
Speaker 1: someone else or knowing that she was having sex. So
8:45
Speaker 1: this this is obviously not our area of expertise. Maybe
8:47
Speaker 1: we could find a cut holding coupled. Maybe if the
8:49
Speaker 1: fucking word cuckold wasn't so stupid, maybe more people would
8:52
Speaker 1: know what it meant. I mean, you just it's like
8:54
Speaker 1: a word you don't even ask twice about. No, that's
8:56
Speaker 1: an urban dictionary word. It's not one we need to
8:58
Speaker 1: concern ourselves with. Isn't that what Republicans call liberals cux snowflakes.
9:04
Speaker 1: I've never put that together, but that sounds right well.
9:06
Speaker 1: Cut so cut holding it would come from cox. Maybe
9:09
Speaker 1: it's short for that. It probably is. I I does
9:12
Speaker 1: that mean they're sleeping with our who's sleeping with who
9:15
Speaker 1: and not scenario. I don't know someone's getting fucked, but
9:17
Speaker 1: you know who. I'm not sleeping with people. Okay, well
9:22
Speaker 1: we'll have to ask somebody else about that. Well, we'll
9:24
Speaker 1: put an add up on Craigslist. I'm sure someone will respond.
9:26
Speaker 1: That seems like exactly where you'd find a cut holding
9:28
Speaker 1: couples Craigslist. Yeah, that seems like it would be easy
9:31
Speaker 1: to find that online, along with a bunch of other
9:34
Speaker 1: six ship We hope that answers your question. Well, this
9:38
Speaker 1: next one is from a woman, and this is where
9:40
Speaker 1: I think. Is she willing to transition to become a man?
9:43
Speaker 1: She could. We'll get her on the phone. Her name
9:44
Speaker 1: is Caitlin, and she says, Dear Chelsea, how do you
9:47
Speaker 1: tell someone you're going to marry that you want to
9:49
Speaker 1: prenup without making it awkward? Okay, well, this is something
9:52
Speaker 1: we could get help from an outside source. But I
9:54
Speaker 1: would honestly say, yeah, why not get a prenup? In
9:57
Speaker 1: this fucked up, crazy world where fifty of people get
9:59
Speaker 1: to worse, All you have to say is write down
10:02
Speaker 1: the sentence fifty of people get divorced. Put that on
10:05
Speaker 1: a piece of paper, show it to the person you're marrying,
10:08
Speaker 1: and say I need a prenup. It doesn't matter how
10:11
Speaker 1: much we think we love each other, we need to
10:13
Speaker 1: protect ourselves. I would think that if you're going to
10:15
Speaker 1: get married, this is a conversation that would have been
10:18
Speaker 1: had in advance, or that you kind of know the
10:20
Speaker 1: person's temperament. Like, I don't know how it could be
10:22
Speaker 1: awkward if the person you're with. Well, because some people's
10:25
Speaker 1: parents have money and it doesn't come up until you know,
10:28
Speaker 1: the last minute, or it comes up after you're engaged,
10:32
Speaker 1: so it's like it's not about you, it's about your
10:34
Speaker 1: family's money. Like I know plenty of people who have
10:37
Speaker 1: done that and are like, oh, you know their parents
10:40
Speaker 1: have a lot of money, or I've seen people who
10:42
Speaker 1: you know, that's how it happens. You can. I mean,
10:44
Speaker 1: it could be a variety of reasons. If it's just
10:47
Speaker 1: one person, like a Jeff Bezos saying hey, I need
10:50
Speaker 1: a prenup, you know, that's a different story. Would you
10:52
Speaker 1: get a prenup? Yeah? What if your potential husband also
10:57
Speaker 1: had money? Definitely? Okay, So it really is just a
10:59
Speaker 1: way to say life guard yourself regardless. Yeah, safeguard. And
11:03
Speaker 1: it's like and if, yeah, everyone should be open to
11:05
Speaker 1: signing a prenup, who gives a ship? I know I
11:07
Speaker 1: have my own thing going, but still, like, it's just
11:10
Speaker 1: a way to say, like, it's like guaranteeing not to
11:13
Speaker 1: get into a fight, right, And Caitlyn, as a woman,
11:16
Speaker 1: you should just be able to stand the ground and
11:18
Speaker 1: say that you want to protect what's yours and that's
11:21
Speaker 1: that you shouldn't You shouldn't have to rationalize it. I
11:23
Speaker 1: second that emotion. If you were presented with a prenup,
11:26
Speaker 1: I think a lot of times it's so awkward because
11:29
Speaker 1: this is finally the last time that you can identify
11:31
Speaker 1: if someone is in the relationship for money, if that's
11:34
Speaker 1: an underlying factor for them. If you're presented with the prenup,
11:37
Speaker 1: is that how you would feel? Yeah? Well, I mean
11:40
Speaker 1: if you're really asking someone if they're in it for money,
11:43
Speaker 1: isn't the answer? Yeah, I mean if you have to
11:46
Speaker 1: ask someone that, can't you? I know it happens all
11:49
Speaker 1: the time. I know, and maybe just because it hasn't
11:52
Speaker 1: happened to me, I don't relate to it. But the
11:56
Speaker 1: idea that you could get married to somebody who's only
11:59
Speaker 1: in it to get your money, Like, that's a long
12:02
Speaker 1: way to go. I think it's multifaceted. There are elements
12:06
Speaker 1: of how long have you been with this person, were
12:08
Speaker 1: you with them before they had the money, and now
12:10
Speaker 1: collectively you know you've both invested different things. Well in
12:13
Speaker 1: Our next submission comes from Lindsay with a similar question,
12:17
Speaker 1: but hers is regarding divorce, So let's see what you
12:20
Speaker 1: think on this. She says, I've never been divorced, and
12:22
Speaker 1: I don't think you have either, so you're the obvious
12:25
Speaker 1: choice to give advice on the matter. Here's what I
12:26
Speaker 1: can't figure out. Do you tell your husband you want
12:28
Speaker 1: to divorce some random night and then spend two weeks
12:31
Speaker 1: together in the same house or do you tell him
12:33
Speaker 1: and then walk out of the door and come back
12:34
Speaker 1: for all of your stuff? What is the worst situation
12:37
Speaker 1: to move out while he is at work and leave
12:39
Speaker 1: a note? No one talks about this situation. Plus, we
12:42
Speaker 1: have two dogs. Can I really take my dogs legally?
12:45
Speaker 1: Not being an attorney makes you the obvious choice for
12:47
Speaker 1: legal advice. Asking for your help is just another bad
12:50
Speaker 1: decision to add to my twenty years of bad decision making.
12:54
Speaker 1: Thanks in advance for your help your bad decisions. Walking
12:57
Speaker 1: out the door and leaving a note when you're breaking
12:59
Speaker 1: up with your husband is not That's not an option
13:03
Speaker 1: unless he's abusive. So what do you do in the situation?
13:06
Speaker 1: Down and have a conversation with him? And especially when
13:09
Speaker 1: they have two dogs? She can't just take the dogs
13:12
Speaker 1: if they got them. She can out, well, she can
13:16
Speaker 1: if she was in an abusive relationship or if he was, like,
13:20
Speaker 1: you know, cheating on her or something. But like handling
13:24
Speaker 1: it in an adult way is the best way to
13:26
Speaker 1: handle that conversation. Sitting down and saying, hey, I'm unhappy
13:29
Speaker 1: in this marriage. Can't just bolt? We got to figure
13:33
Speaker 1: it out. Yeah, I mean that sounds harsh. Can you
13:36
Speaker 1: know what? Maybe we should ask Laura Walster about this
13:38
Speaker 1: as well. What sort of timeline there is when you
13:41
Speaker 1: finally make the decision that you want the divorce, how
13:44
Speaker 1: and when to talk to them about it and then
13:45
Speaker 1: where you go from there? I mean, I can't imagine
13:47
Speaker 1: that it's a brief or swift move when you finally
13:51
Speaker 1: make the choice to have the divorce. Maybe she have
13:53
Speaker 1: some insight for Lindsay Young. Well, yeah, I mean, after
13:56
Speaker 1: you tell the person, Hey, I'm leaving and then you
13:59
Speaker 1: stay for two weeks. I would think you have a
14:02
Speaker 1: game plan, you have something set up. Yeah, you should
14:05
Speaker 1: have a game like once you make the decision like
14:06
Speaker 1: I no longer want to be with this person, Like
14:08
Speaker 1: you know that internally, it's not two weeks like a job,
14:11
Speaker 1: like I'm giving you two weeks notice. But you have
14:13
Speaker 1: things kind of in motion or set up, so you
14:15
Speaker 1: know that you have some work to go if things
14:17
Speaker 1: go poorly, that you know you have your money available
14:20
Speaker 1: to you so you can take care of yourself. Right, Yeah, yeah,
14:25
Speaker 1: I would say so for sure. Well let's see what
14:27
Speaker 1: Laura Wasser has to say. Hey, but just there she is. Hi,
14:32
Speaker 1: Laura Wasser. Are you How are you? I'm good. You
14:37
Speaker 1: know I moved across the street from your ex husband. Yeah,
14:42
Speaker 1: he's really gone to ship with my kid. As a result,
14:44
Speaker 1: he got caught vaping at school. I blame you. I
14:47
Speaker 1: feel like you've been kind of an absent co parent
14:49
Speaker 1: to me. I know, I know, I do that a lot.
14:51
Speaker 1: I don't show up in the way that I promised to,
14:53
Speaker 1: or I show up sporadically, so I'm more of the
14:56
Speaker 1: father figure husband, like a divorce father is what I
15:00
Speaker 1: am like. I come in with rainbows and money and
15:02
Speaker 1: then I leave right before things get serious. All about
15:05
Speaker 1: a Disneyland parent, Yeah, that's exactly a Disneyland parent. I
15:10
Speaker 1: would never be caught dead at Disneyland, right. Thank you
15:13
Speaker 1: for calling us, of course we wanted to ask. We're
15:17
Speaker 1: giving a lot of advice, solicited advice for the first time,
15:21
Speaker 1: and people are calling them with legal questions, so obviously
15:24
Speaker 1: that's a little bit out of my wheelhouse. Yes, which
15:27
Speaker 1: I kind of like it when you make shut up
15:29
Speaker 1: though and tell them the legal answers. I've watched it
15:32
Speaker 1: on Instagrams sometimes I think it's good, you're doing well.
15:34
Speaker 1: And how accurate does she seem to be in her guidance?
15:37
Speaker 1: Very much so, I mean about as much, about as
15:40
Speaker 1: accurate as me and I've been doing it for twenty
15:42
Speaker 1: six years, so yeah, you're good. Well everything I know
15:45
Speaker 1: I've learned from you, so thank you. People think that
15:47
Speaker 1: it's solely for celebrities, and it's not. You hear of it.
15:51
Speaker 1: More and more people introducing prenups into their relationship preemptively,
15:55
Speaker 1: really just as a means to make it a smooth transition.
15:58
Speaker 1: If you do have to divorce. That's not about necessarily
16:01
Speaker 1: how much you have, or even before even if you're
16:03
Speaker 1: not planning on getting divorce. Because people are like, oh,
16:05
Speaker 1: I wouldn't do a prenup, but just pre negotiating my divorce,
16:08
Speaker 1: that's not what it is. What a prenup is is
16:11
Speaker 1: a means for you to opt out of what the
16:15
Speaker 1: law would otherwise be. A lot of people are like,
16:17
Speaker 1: I'm not down with this whole California community property. The
16:20
Speaker 1: minute I get married, half of everything I make or
16:23
Speaker 1: create goes to the other person. I don't like that.
16:26
Speaker 1: I want to support them, I want to have a
16:27
Speaker 1: commitment with them. I want to raise kids at them.
16:29
Speaker 1: But I've been a writer, sculptor, painter, lawyer for all
16:33
Speaker 1: these years already. What I make and earn and create
16:36
Speaker 1: I want to be mine, and I'll share some of
16:38
Speaker 1: it with my spouse. But I don't want it to
16:40
Speaker 1: automatically be fifty fifty or I've worked really hard. I've
16:44
Speaker 1: got this amazing lifestyle I'm happy for when we're married.
16:48
Speaker 1: We fly private, we go to five star resorts, we
16:51
Speaker 1: have nice meals. But if we split up, I'm not
16:54
Speaker 1: down with having to continue that. You know, going into
16:56
Speaker 1: the future, I want us both to be kind of contributing.
16:59
Speaker 1: So I think it's really important for people, even if
17:02
Speaker 1: you're not flying private or going to five star resorts,
17:04
Speaker 1: to have a conversation. So many people come to me
17:06
Speaker 1: and they don't even know what the law is that
17:08
Speaker 1: they're entering into when they're getting married. They don't even
17:11
Speaker 1: know what the law is. Knowing the law, deciding whether
17:14
Speaker 1: that law fits for you and your partner, and if
17:17
Speaker 1: it doesn't, kind of figuring out a way to carve
17:20
Speaker 1: it out so that you make the law that is
17:22
Speaker 1: applicable to you. Also, by having a prenup, you have
17:25
Speaker 1: a lot of discussions that you might not otherwise have
17:28
Speaker 1: when everything's rosy and sexy and romantic and you're planning
17:31
Speaker 1: this wedding, have some real life discussions, because if you're
17:34
Speaker 1: going to stay married for a long time, there's gonna
17:36
Speaker 1: be some not sexy, romantic, loving times in your life.
17:40
Speaker 1: Might as well start having those communications and having those
17:44
Speaker 1: tools to get through those times before you get married. Right, Well,
17:48
Speaker 1: that's the perfect segue because we had a woman, right
17:50
Speaker 1: and her name is Caitlin, and she wants to know
17:51
Speaker 1: how to broach that subject of wanting a prenup as
17:54
Speaker 1: she enters into this relationship. Let's tell her, so, what
17:58
Speaker 1: do you think how you go into the conversation confidently
18:01
Speaker 1: and without putting someone on the defense or making them
18:05
Speaker 1: worried that the relationship doesn't have longevity. I think you say,
18:10
Speaker 1: this is something that's really important to me that through.
18:13
Speaker 1: I hope we stay married forever. However, in order to
18:17
Speaker 1: do that, we're going to have to have some real
18:19
Speaker 1: life moments here. One maybe when I'm giving birth to
18:22
Speaker 1: your child and I like poop on the delivery table.
18:25
Speaker 1: One might be having a discussion about money and finances
18:30
Speaker 1: and what's mine and what's yours, and what our expectations
18:32
Speaker 1: of each other are, and a testaments how much I
18:35
Speaker 1: love you and how much I want this to work.
18:37
Speaker 1: Is entering into this discussion now, which isn't super comfortable
18:40
Speaker 1: for me, but I want to do it so that
18:42
Speaker 1: we're able to make it through anything. M That's a
18:45
Speaker 1: great way to frame it, that we're able to make
18:47
Speaker 1: it through anything. I like that sentence. Write that down, sweetheart,
18:49
Speaker 1: The way that you just spoke about that, it really
18:51
Speaker 1: seems to be a safeguard for both people. So even
18:54
Speaker 1: if one person maybe the breadwinner, and the other person
18:59
Speaker 1: is taking care of, you know, stereotypically more domestic aspects
19:02
Speaker 1: of the relationship, it's really protecting them both in the
19:04
Speaker 1: long run to negotiate what they would like. And it's
19:08
Speaker 1: also an eye opener for both. You have so many
19:10
Speaker 1: people that are these supported spouts that go into relationships
19:14
Speaker 1: and they're constantly like looking over their shoulder. They don't
19:17
Speaker 1: know what the rights will be, what happens if we
19:18
Speaker 1: break up? Am I going to have to move out
19:20
Speaker 1: of my home? Am I going to have to get
19:22
Speaker 1: a job working at the landcomb counter and even markets? Like?
19:25
Speaker 1: What's going to happen to me? Let's talk about that now.
19:27
Speaker 1: Let's figure out exactly how to protect both of you
19:29
Speaker 1: and make you feel comfortable so that you're equipped no
19:32
Speaker 1: matter what ends up happening. Yeah, because a lot of people, though,
19:35
Speaker 1: would argue I think that for a woman agreeing to
19:38
Speaker 1: get a pre nup with a man that has more money, right,
19:40
Speaker 1: if I were to get married, which I won't, but
19:42
Speaker 1: if I were and somebody had a lot more money
19:45
Speaker 1: than I did them asking for the prenup, it invokes
19:48
Speaker 1: a certain amount of like unease, Right, it makes you
19:51
Speaker 1: feel uneasy to have to have the discussion about potentially
19:54
Speaker 1: breaking up. So there is a natural defense that comes
19:58
Speaker 1: up right when people are faced with us. Unless you're
20:01
Speaker 1: dealing with two people who both agree they want a
20:02
Speaker 1: prenup and for their own reasons, right, have you seen
20:05
Speaker 1: that men or women are more resistant to a prenup?
20:08
Speaker 1: Because around l A there are a lot of very
20:11
Speaker 1: well to do women who enter in relationships knowing they
20:14
Speaker 1: want a prenup. Is it harder for a man to
20:16
Speaker 1: accept because of his masculinity. No. Most men are like,
20:21
Speaker 1: I'm down with that. I'm a guy, I can But
20:24
Speaker 1: the women that I've represented, particularly younger ones whose managers
20:29
Speaker 1: or parents or entertainment lawyers are like, you really need
20:32
Speaker 1: to get a prenup, They're very resistant because they really
20:34
Speaker 1: want it to be romantic and loving. Most of the time,
20:37
Speaker 1: the guys are like, yeah, I'm fine with that. I
20:39
Speaker 1: have had women that have been asked to sign prenups
20:43
Speaker 1: by their male counterparts who are very offended. And I
20:47
Speaker 1: say that the guys, because I'm usually representing them, you
20:50
Speaker 1: need to really look at that. You need to really
20:52
Speaker 1: look at why they're so offended. A lot of prenups
20:55
Speaker 1: give an annual gift to the less moneyed spouse. I
20:58
Speaker 1: mean they're actually doing better as a result of having
21:01
Speaker 1: a prenup than they would if not. So I mean
21:04
Speaker 1: it's not always like screw you. If we break up,
21:07
Speaker 1: you're leaving and you're going to go live in a
21:08
Speaker 1: refrigerator box under a bridge. The refusal to kind of
21:13
Speaker 1: get educated and understand what's happening and be a partner
21:17
Speaker 1: in the relationship is something I think anybody who is
21:21
Speaker 1: being met with that kind of resistance really needs to
21:23
Speaker 1: examine before they enter under a marriage with that person. Well,
21:26
Speaker 1: it's such a good point because people forget and we're
21:28
Speaker 1: not set up at a young age to acknowledge the
21:31
Speaker 1: fact that a relationship is a business to some degree.
21:34
Speaker 1: It's it's work that you enter into these things, and
21:36
Speaker 1: it's not smooth sailing. It's constant addressing the issues and
21:41
Speaker 1: reassessing and growing. And part of that is the monetary
21:45
Speaker 1: side and the collection and the accumulation of things together.
21:49
Speaker 1: So it's much easier to separate those with the brain
21:51
Speaker 1: up and as women particularly, we're so quick to abdicate.
21:55
Speaker 1: I don't want to hear about that. I want to
21:57
Speaker 1: worry about being pretty and doing that. I don't want
22:00
Speaker 1: to think about money. I don't want to be bothered
22:02
Speaker 1: at that. If you want to answer into a relationship
22:04
Speaker 1: with someone, even if they have more money than you're
22:06
Speaker 1: starting out and be a real partner to them, find
22:09
Speaker 1: out about the money. Insists that you go to the
22:12
Speaker 1: quarterly meetings with the business manager. Even if it's not
22:15
Speaker 1: your money. You're still using that money to live, raise
22:18
Speaker 1: your children. Get involved in some of it, because it
22:20
Speaker 1: really does it will enable you to grow better together
22:24
Speaker 1: as partners. Okay, So Laura, we had a caller call
22:27
Speaker 1: in our a listener. Well, she then she became a
22:30
Speaker 1: caller when she called, and she called him with a
22:32
Speaker 1: story about she wants to get divorced, but she doesn't know,
22:35
Speaker 1: like in what order she's supposed to do things. Does
22:38
Speaker 1: she tell her husband she wants to get divorced and
22:40
Speaker 1: then move out immediately? Does she tell her husband she
22:43
Speaker 1: wants to get divorced and then stay a couple of weeks?
22:45
Speaker 1: And she has two dogs? She's like, am I allowed
22:47
Speaker 1: to take them? And I'm like, yeah, you know what,
22:49
Speaker 1: great question? I have no fucking idea. Is it best
22:51
Speaker 1: to put something in place of a place to go,
22:54
Speaker 1: a way to get yourself out of a potentially complicated
22:57
Speaker 1: situation or harmful. Like what would you say to someone
23:00
Speaker 1: who's coming in and they're like, I know, I want
23:02
Speaker 1: a divorce? What now? So I think again? It depends
23:05
Speaker 1: a lot on the circumstances, Like God forbid, you're in
23:08
Speaker 1: an abusive relationship and you tell your stuff that you
23:10
Speaker 1: want a divorce and you get the ship beat out
23:12
Speaker 1: of you. That's not good. But sometimes it's really just
23:14
Speaker 1: a difficult conversation. Sometimes what do we do about the kids?
23:17
Speaker 1: We don't want the kids to think mommy's leaving daddy. Also,
23:21
Speaker 1: the law in different states is different, but in almost
23:24
Speaker 1: every state there's nothing like an abandonment anymore. That's not
23:28
Speaker 1: very US friendly. So particular in California, you don't have
23:32
Speaker 1: to worry about leaving the house and somebody saying, oh,
23:35
Speaker 1: you abandoned the house, so now your rights are kind
23:37
Speaker 1: if you own part of the house, you can leave,
23:38
Speaker 1: it's okay. But I would always recommend that somebody either
23:42
Speaker 1: goes online, makes a consultation a point with an attorney,
23:46
Speaker 1: figures out what the law is in your state to
23:48
Speaker 1: start putting your ducks in a row. That's why we
23:50
Speaker 1: created It's over Easy the website. There's a ton of
23:52
Speaker 1: information on there. Even if you're not ready to start
23:54
Speaker 1: filing divorce papers, educate yourself so that you can put
23:57
Speaker 1: a plan in place. As for the dog, interesting question, Chelsea.
24:02
Speaker 1: Always dogs have been chattel property no more than you
24:06
Speaker 1: know this this bowl. Whoever bought the bowl, that's who
24:09
Speaker 1: owns the dogs. Now in California, we've changed that law
24:12
Speaker 1: a little only in the last couple of years, to
24:14
Speaker 1: say that a judge may actually listen to evidence about
24:17
Speaker 1: who took care of the dogs, who had a better
24:19
Speaker 1: bond with the dogs. I mean, I know this is
24:21
Speaker 1: the kind of stuff that you care about, and that
24:23
Speaker 1: person even if the dogs were not purchased by one
24:26
Speaker 1: or the other, or they were purchased jointly. Because they're
24:28
Speaker 1: not going to cut a dog in half, sometimes will
24:30
Speaker 1: be I mean, I'm not opposed to splitting a dog
24:33
Speaker 1: in half. I want the back half of birth. If
24:37
Speaker 1: my bell ever takes him, I'm want the back half off.
24:40
Speaker 1: So that law has changed a little bit, but generally
24:42
Speaker 1: they're just property, just like a car or a vase
24:45
Speaker 1: or whatever else. So will they interview the dogs. No,
24:49
Speaker 1: they don't do like a child custody evaluation like they
24:52
Speaker 1: do with kids. But you could actually give a judge
24:55
Speaker 1: evidence like, yes, I bought this dog for my husband
24:58
Speaker 1: for his birthday, so generally it would be characterize as
25:01
Speaker 1: a separate property asset because it was a gift to
25:03
Speaker 1: my husband. However, my husband never did anything with the dog.
25:06
Speaker 1: I took the dog, I walked the dog, and I judge, Michael,
25:09
Speaker 1: you know what, I'm gonna find that the dog's ears.
25:11
Speaker 1: That's like literally in the past year and a half
25:14
Speaker 1: new law. So but what would your advice be to
25:17
Speaker 1: we do we know what state she's in, because she
25:19
Speaker 1: was asking if she if she could take her two dogs,
25:22
Speaker 1: what would be the repercussions of that? And I guess
25:24
Speaker 1: what you're saying is that she can do that. Probably right,
25:27
Speaker 1: and again, I think and similarly to kids, I mean,
25:30
Speaker 1: if you're not if you don't have any orders in place,
25:33
Speaker 1: and you need to go somewhere to kind of get clear,
25:36
Speaker 1: as long as you're not like kidnapping them, you leave
25:38
Speaker 1: an email thing. Listen, I'm gonna move out for a
25:41
Speaker 1: little bit. I've got the dogs. Let's discuss this. I'm
25:44
Speaker 1: not disappearing with them, but I just think we need
25:46
Speaker 1: a little bit of physical space, and I don't want
25:48
Speaker 1: you to worry you will see them again. That is
25:51
Speaker 1: what I would probably tell her to do, because I
25:53
Speaker 1: don't think anybody is then going to accuse her of
25:55
Speaker 1: stealing the dog. She's just taking the dogs for right now,
25:58
Speaker 1: all right. So that's a great advice. What what other
26:00
Speaker 1: like top tips does Laura Wasser have for people going
26:03
Speaker 1: through a divorce to make it just an easy event
26:06
Speaker 1: for everyone, Like, no one wants to go through a divorce,
26:08
Speaker 1: and it's never gonna be easy. It's heartbreaking, it's difficult,
26:11
Speaker 1: it's confusing. But my top tips would be educate yourself,
26:15
Speaker 1: find out what the law is in your state and
26:17
Speaker 1: how it applies to you. And if you didn't know
26:19
Speaker 1: a lot about some of the financial stuff, find out.
26:21
Speaker 1: There's basically four components to the financial part of a divorce,
26:25
Speaker 1: right There's what you have, what you own, what you owe,
26:28
Speaker 1: any debts you have, if you've got you know, mortgages
26:31
Speaker 1: or car leases, loans or whatever, what you earn you
26:35
Speaker 1: and your spouse, and what you spent, how much what's
26:37
Speaker 1: your budget every month with those are the four things.
26:39
Speaker 1: Find that shipped out. Find out what the law is
26:42
Speaker 1: in your state. If you've got kids, you have got
26:45
Speaker 1: to figure out a way. Most states now, particularly California
26:49
Speaker 1: and New York, but now almost everywhere in between, are
26:52
Speaker 1: much more dad centric than we used to be. Dads
26:55
Speaker 1: are no longer seen kids every other weekend and one
26:59
Speaker 1: Wednesday for dinner. We really are sharing custody more. We
27:02
Speaker 1: want your kids to be able to have as much
27:04
Speaker 1: time with both of their parents as possible, because in
27:07
Speaker 1: most instances, we believe that's best for your kids. Remember,
27:11
Speaker 1: if you have kids, you're going to be dealing with
27:14
Speaker 1: this person for the rest of your life, So don't
27:16
Speaker 1: burn a bridge. Okay, I mean so many people say
27:19
Speaker 1: and write things they regret to their spouse as they're
27:22
Speaker 1: going through a divorce. And the greatest is they're paying
27:25
Speaker 1: somebody to write and save these things because they're paying
27:27
Speaker 1: some lawyer to do it. Take it back. Think about
27:30
Speaker 1: the moment when you fell in love with that person,
27:32
Speaker 1: when we were with them and you first had that baby.
27:36
Speaker 1: Think about the things you loved about that person. You
27:38
Speaker 1: don't want to live with them anymore, You don't want
27:40
Speaker 1: to be marry to them anymore. But you are going
27:41
Speaker 1: to co parent with them. You are probably still going
27:44
Speaker 1: to be sharing some assets with them. One of you
27:46
Speaker 1: is going to be writing the other one at support
27:48
Speaker 1: check for a certain period of time. Figure out a
27:51
Speaker 1: way to make it as pleasant and civil and respectful
27:55
Speaker 1: as possible. That's what I would say is the main tip.
27:58
Speaker 1: Because I've heard so many people say to me, runly
28:01
Speaker 1: new then what I know now about this, I would
28:03
Speaker 1: have approached it so much differently. I spent so much
28:06
Speaker 1: money and so much toxic energy going through this. If
28:08
Speaker 1: I could have approached it more like a business transaction
28:11
Speaker 1: and approached it with a little bit more, you know,
28:13
Speaker 1: the golden rule, do unto others. Treated my spouse like
28:16
Speaker 1: I would have liked to be treated, and he would
28:18
Speaker 1: have done the name you will. It's not gonna be easy.
28:20
Speaker 1: It's still gonna be scary and heartbreaking and whatever, but
28:22
Speaker 1: you'll come through it to the other end in your
28:24
Speaker 1: next chapter, and you'll be so much better off. I
28:27
Speaker 1: have a bunch of friends who are going through divorce. Actually,
28:30
Speaker 1: what age or kids allowed to decide if they want
28:32
Speaker 1: to be like you know, at a certain point it's
28:34
Speaker 1: their decision if they want to go to the dad's
28:36
Speaker 1: or if they want to stay with the mom. Right,
28:37
Speaker 1: not really, not really. At a certain point there their
28:41
Speaker 1: position will be heard by a judge. It's usually thirteen
28:44
Speaker 1: or fourteen in California, but they don't get to decide.
28:46
Speaker 1: I mean, let me tell you something. If your dad's
28:48
Speaker 1: you know, the dad that's like in the den smoking
28:51
Speaker 1: a bomb five nights a week, and and you're a teenager,
28:54
Speaker 1: you're like, I want to go live with dad. Your
28:56
Speaker 1: preference will be taken into consideration by the judge, but
28:59
Speaker 1: you're still a minor, and so your best interests are
29:01
Speaker 1: still going to be decided and factored into everything else.
29:04
Speaker 1: So yes, you can have a say, it's not going
29:06
Speaker 1: to be till your thirteen or fourteen. That's in California.
29:09
Speaker 1: Other states take it differently. Almost every state has really
29:12
Speaker 1: said by now, we don't want a kid on the
29:15
Speaker 1: stand in a courtroom like you saw in the movies
29:17
Speaker 1: from the sixties and seventies saying what he or she wants.
29:19
Speaker 1: So usually either going chambers and talk to the judge
29:22
Speaker 1: with a court reporter there, or they'll have a mental
29:24
Speaker 1: health evaluator that they'll speak with and talk about their
29:26
Speaker 1: preference and why that's their preference? Is that their preference?
29:29
Speaker 1: Because mom really understands when I'm going through because I
29:32
Speaker 1: like boys and I might lose my virginity and have
29:34
Speaker 1: my period and i'm and I'm a girl. Or is
29:36
Speaker 1: it because dad lets me be on my computer and
29:39
Speaker 1: my iPad and my play games as much as I want? What?
29:42
Speaker 1: Why is that your preference? And then what's going to
29:44
Speaker 1: be in your best interest? So I think the moral
29:46
Speaker 1: of the story is, do not get married and do
29:48
Speaker 1: not have children. You should have children, children, okay, And
29:51
Speaker 1: if you're gonna get married, get married knowing that this
29:55
Speaker 1: is a relationship like any other relationship, that you have
29:58
Speaker 1: to work at if you want it to work, and
30:00
Speaker 1: if for some reason it doesn't or things change, which
30:03
Speaker 1: obviously happens quite a bit. I mean, look, when we
30:05
Speaker 1: used to live till we were thirty five, getting married
30:07
Speaker 1: till death do us part was a lot easier than
30:09
Speaker 1: if you're living into years old. That person is going
30:12
Speaker 1: to start getting a little stale for you. Oh my god,
30:15
Speaker 1: if I live till ninety, shoot me, seriously, I do
30:17
Speaker 1: not want to be around and see what we'll be
30:19
Speaker 1: willing you over around and your depends sweetheart, sweetheart, don't
30:22
Speaker 1: say such things, Laura. I can ask one more question.
30:25
Speaker 1: This is just a personal interesting question. I love any
30:27
Speaker 1: time I see an attorney remove themselves from a case.
30:31
Speaker 1: Why would an attorney choose to not move forward with
30:36
Speaker 1: their client choose to like when I see, like, okay,
30:39
Speaker 1: that so and so is no longer representing them. Is
30:41
Speaker 1: it like a joint decision that they make, or is
30:43
Speaker 1: an attorney like I'm tapping out, like this is just
30:45
Speaker 1: too much for me? It depends. Are you talking about
30:48
Speaker 1: Britney Spears and her lawyer from that? Oh? No, I
30:51
Speaker 1: would love to talk about that if you have if
30:52
Speaker 1: you have any insight or any thoughts on on a
30:55
Speaker 1: conservator ship. I have no insight. I cannot read that.
31:00
Speaker 1: I would like to put Chelsea on a conservator ship
31:01
Speaker 1: if it all possible, and I would love your help
31:03
Speaker 1: with that. But if we just made Chelsea Brittany's conservator,
31:06
Speaker 1: I would do that. I think I'm qualified to take
31:09
Speaker 1: care of her. I wouldn't overwork her, and I would
31:11
Speaker 1: be sympathetic to her, very sympathetic, I am. I mean,
31:15
Speaker 1: how does something like that happen? Though? Laura like, how
31:17
Speaker 1: does he get to be her conservator? Like? Why is
31:20
Speaker 1: her mother not in that role? You can't, Laura's too
31:24
Speaker 1: close to She's She's she's too in Hollywood. All right,
31:27
Speaker 1: Well forget it. Thanks for nothing, Laura, I can't believe you. Okay, Well,
31:31
Speaker 1: this was very helpful for the questions that you did
31:33
Speaker 1: choose to I would love to get Laura back. I
31:34
Speaker 1: love anything legal I know, and I love you Laura.
31:37
Speaker 1: I love you guys too. Anytime when Catherine Law tells
31:40
Speaker 1: me I have to be somewhere, I just show up. Awesome.
31:43
Speaker 1: I love it. Thank you so much, Laura. Guys have
31:45
Speaker 1: a good one. Catherine Law, for the record, is one
31:48
Speaker 1: of our producers in the podcast. There are a lot
31:50
Speaker 1: of people behind the scenes who make this all come
31:52
Speaker 1: together and work, and one of them is. One of
31:55
Speaker 1: them is Catherine, who got a little her hair is
31:58
Speaker 1: pink and she's got a cute French opening. Get back
32:01
Speaker 1: to Britney Spears for a second. I watched that New
32:03
Speaker 1: York Times Hulu documentary. It's pretty upsetting. It's very upsetting.
32:08
Speaker 1: I mean, I can't imagine they either have her on
32:10
Speaker 1: so many drugs or she's been lobotomized because something is
32:14
Speaker 1: really off right, like something's wrong. So my friend said,
32:18
Speaker 1: it feels like she got electric shock therapy, and I
32:21
Speaker 1: was like, oh my god, do you think so? And
32:23
Speaker 1: it's like, well, of course yeah, that nothing would be
32:25
Speaker 1: surprising in this fucking town, right, But why is her
32:28
Speaker 1: father in that role? So the way I understand is
32:31
Speaker 1: that the conservator has to be requested by a person,
32:34
Speaker 1: So her father probably is the onlooker saw something going
32:38
Speaker 1: on and maybe with good intention to like, we need
32:41
Speaker 1: to get her back on track. But then there becomes
32:43
Speaker 1: a point which I think she has surpassed, where that
32:47
Speaker 1: person is capable of taking care of themselves. They've gotten
32:49
Speaker 1: out of this situation. Well, if she's working, which she
32:51
Speaker 1: was as soon as that conservatorship happened, he cleaned up
32:54
Speaker 1: her act and sent her out to work, right, she's
32:57
Speaker 1: able to work at that capacity, then she is a
33:00
Speaker 1: will to also take care of herself in a sense.
33:03
Speaker 1: So if the conservator the fact that he is making
33:06
Speaker 1: money off of her is a complete conflict of interest,
33:09
Speaker 1: well it's the whole team of people making money off
33:11
Speaker 1: of her. And what people should understand celebrities have a
33:14
Speaker 1: team around them there's like a nucleus, which is the
33:16
Speaker 1: celebrity and then the people all around. Yeah, it's like
33:20
Speaker 1: you're you're the center nucles. There's no use after the
33:23
Speaker 1: sea and nu nucle That's like when George W. Bush
33:26
Speaker 1: said nuclear nuclear nuclear. Anyway, So the celebrities at the
33:31
Speaker 1: center of it, and there are people around them, a
33:33
Speaker 1: business manager who who helps them manage their finances and
33:36
Speaker 1: keep them on track. And sometimes they're bad, a lot
33:38
Speaker 1: of times they're really great. You have managers and agents,
33:40
Speaker 1: you have all these people who you do end up
33:42
Speaker 1: paying out to to help keep your brand on track.
33:45
Speaker 1: Your assistant. Yes, everyone wants you to be successful because
33:48
Speaker 1: they're all making money off of that. However, her team
33:50
Speaker 1: has become so expansive that the number of people she's
33:54
Speaker 1: paying is no longer proportionate for her situation. Well, and
33:58
Speaker 1: it's also like a concern of it. Her in my opinion,
34:02
Speaker 1: should be a legal guardian that is getting paid a
34:05
Speaker 1: salary and that's it. There's no like you know, commission.
34:09
Speaker 1: So he was supposed to be helping oversee her finances,
34:13
Speaker 1: which she already has a business manager in place to
34:15
Speaker 1: do so. Again, they're kind of like doubling down on
34:17
Speaker 1: that to just to make sure she's not overspending in
34:19
Speaker 1: certain ways and that she's retaining her wealth, which is
34:22
Speaker 1: good and appropriate. The personal control is what I think
34:25
Speaker 1: more people have issue with in this situation that some
34:29
Speaker 1: people are just not good money managers, but her not
34:32
Speaker 1: being able to drive a car, her not being able
34:34
Speaker 1: to kind of leave at her own will, or having
34:36
Speaker 1: to check in on where she's going and who she's
34:38
Speaker 1: with at a certain point. If she's going to make
34:41
Speaker 1: bad decisions, she's an adult. She should be allowed to
34:44
Speaker 1: make those. Yeah, and then and she doesn't see those kids,
34:47
Speaker 1: those boys, like there must be a medical reason. It
34:50
Speaker 1: just all is like white male patriarchy, the judicial system,
34:54
Speaker 1: the father getting they go to court, keep going to court,
34:57
Speaker 1: and he keeps winning. Well. I think that's why she
34:59
Speaker 1: likes say, I don't want him to be my conservator.
35:01
Speaker 1: And right now I believe she has a woman as
35:03
Speaker 1: a co conservator who she's asked to take over the
35:05
Speaker 1: permanent role and remove her father. And I'm sure that
35:08
Speaker 1: there is a comfort that comes with having a woman.
35:12
Speaker 1: Women need other women because it's women supporting women, whereas
35:15
Speaker 1: I'm sure for a woman it feels very much I'm
35:17
Speaker 1: being controlled by this man whereas I'm being guided by
35:20
Speaker 1: this woman. Yeah, it's an unfortunate situation. And again, if
35:24
Speaker 1: you want to look this up, you can go to
35:25
Speaker 1: it's over easy dot com. That's Laura Wasser's website to
35:28
Speaker 1: help you get divorced quickly over easy. So the last
35:32
Speaker 1: write in for the day is not so much about
35:34
Speaker 1: an intimate partner, but sort of the platonic relationships in
35:38
Speaker 1: your life that we all go through this. So I'm
35:41
Speaker 1: interested to get your take on this, She says, Dear Chelsea,
35:43
Speaker 1: what is the best way to tell some of my
35:45
Speaker 1: loser friends to get out of my life? So hard?
35:47
Speaker 1: It is so hard, but it has to be done sometimes,
35:49
Speaker 1: I know, but it's so hard, it really is. I
35:54
Speaker 1: end up just participating in the relationship and just making
35:57
Speaker 1: myself fucking nuts because of it. God, I have so
36:01
Speaker 1: many situations where I'm just like, are you fucking kidding me?
36:04
Speaker 1: Why am I still in this relationship? I don't know, Brandon,
36:08
Speaker 1: you're pretty good. I mean you don't have a lot
36:10
Speaker 1: of friends. No, I have basically zero friends because I
36:13
Speaker 1: don't That's what I mean. I don't know. People are
36:16
Speaker 1: so annoying, and but no, not everyone is annoying. Some
36:20
Speaker 1: people are not annoying, and some people are awesome friends.
36:23
Speaker 1: A lot of people are annoying. A lot of people
36:25
Speaker 1: suck suck, suck energy or you've allowed yourself to expend
36:29
Speaker 1: too much energy on them. And that's the story of
36:32
Speaker 1: my life. Well, so what I started doing was I
36:34
Speaker 1: overly invested in a lot of relationships and friendships. Like
36:37
Speaker 1: I would if I've not heard from you a year,
36:39
Speaker 1: I would still drop a birthday gift off at your door,
36:41
Speaker 1: like I'd be the one offered. I'd be the one
36:43
Speaker 1: offered to take you to the airport. And as soon
36:47
Speaker 1: as I realized, and this was during quarantine, that was like,
36:49
Speaker 1: I'm not going to keep investing time. It's not equitable
36:52
Speaker 1: in these relationships. So once you make the decision to
36:55
Speaker 1: not overly invest yourself, those people fade away. So I
36:58
Speaker 1: don't even know. That's nessarily something you have to tell
37:01
Speaker 1: people most of the time. Hello, I have like five
37:04
Speaker 1: examples of people that you do have to tell because
37:07
Speaker 1: I've not returned their text, I've not done so many things,
37:10
Speaker 1: and they do not get it listening to this podcast,
37:14
Speaker 1: and they will still not get it, but she says
37:17
Speaker 1: lose her friends. So imagine these people don't have a
37:19
Speaker 1: super high commitment to whatever the friendship is anyway, and
37:22
Speaker 1: then a lot of people just fade into the background.
37:24
Speaker 1: And that's kind of the best way to deal with
37:25
Speaker 1: it is you don't overly invest. People just kind of
37:28
Speaker 1: distance itself naturally. But to your point, a lot of
37:32
Speaker 1: times people do not get the fucking hint. No, I
37:35
Speaker 1: just I can't understand how people don't get the hint
37:38
Speaker 1: when you don't want to hang out. Can you remember
37:40
Speaker 1: the last time that you had to verbally tell someone like,
37:43
Speaker 1: I'm no longer interested in this relationship? Well, I had
37:47
Speaker 1: to do that with a guy that I started seeing.
37:49
Speaker 1: It was just because I was I was done seeing him.
37:51
Speaker 1: It was that it was a wrap and he didn't
37:54
Speaker 1: get the hint. So I had to say it. Is
37:56
Speaker 1: it harder in a more intimate relationship like that then
37:59
Speaker 1: with a friend? What do you find? I think it's
38:01
Speaker 1: harder with a friend because there's history with the with
38:04
Speaker 1: the guy you're dating. It's like, you know, whatever you've
38:06
Speaker 1: known for a few weeks or a few months, it's
38:08
Speaker 1: not that big of a deal. So there's not water
38:11
Speaker 1: under the bridge. With friends, it's like you know their
38:13
Speaker 1: history and how sensitive they can be and how they'll
38:16
Speaker 1: react if you blow them off, like actually say, hey,
38:20
Speaker 1: I don't want to be friends with you anymore. It
38:22
Speaker 1: seems pretty harsh thing to say you had a history
38:25
Speaker 1: for a while, what you've discussed where you would just
38:27
Speaker 1: kind of cut people off as soon as they did
38:28
Speaker 1: something that you did not like or gross you out.
38:31
Speaker 1: I'm a friendship end, Yeah, And that's right. You would
38:33
Speaker 1: be like, no more, no interesting people and their friendships
38:36
Speaker 1: with me for something I've done. But I have a
38:38
Speaker 1: lot of friendships that end for sure. Do you feel
38:41
Speaker 1: that it is healthier to try and maintain some sort
38:44
Speaker 1: of communication with all of your friends, even if it's
38:47
Speaker 1: not one that you want to engage in often? I mean,
38:51
Speaker 1: I'm so serious about like saying the truth and telling
38:57
Speaker 1: people the truth that people I understand do not like
39:00
Speaker 1: that and that they don't want to hear the truth
39:03
Speaker 1: or my version of the truth. So I have a
39:07
Speaker 1: really hard time not expressing that that could be a
39:10
Speaker 1: friendship ender because I've had it and then this is it.
39:13
Speaker 1: Or I tell someone the truth and they're like whoa,
39:15
Speaker 1: whoa WHOA, WHOA, like they don't want to hear that. Okay,
39:18
Speaker 1: there's a large conversation going on right now, kind of
39:20
Speaker 1: generally about mental health and investing your energy and time
39:25
Speaker 1: into the right things that provide you something. So do
39:28
Speaker 1: you feel that it is better to maintain some sort
39:31
Speaker 1: of connection with people or cut them off completely, like
39:35
Speaker 1: for your own mental well being? Yeah, I think for
39:37
Speaker 1: your own mental well being, it's better to maintain a
39:40
Speaker 1: connection with everybody and have good vibes with people you
39:42
Speaker 1: know and try and maintain some level of decorum or friendship. Yeah.
39:47
Speaker 1: I think that's probably the healthier way to go through life.
39:51
Speaker 1: I try and often remind myself that everyone has something
39:54
Speaker 1: worth enjoying. Everyone has an aspect of something you would
39:58
Speaker 1: like about them as a friend. It's sucking hard sometimes
40:01
Speaker 1: because that's very Jesuit of you. Well, it's not the
40:05
Speaker 1: trait that comes out most often, which is the hard part.
40:07
Speaker 1: So normally this is what I do if I don't
40:09
Speaker 1: like someone anymore. I go through these phases where I
40:11
Speaker 1: really want gay friends, and then as soon as I
40:13
Speaker 1: get them, I would just want to drop him with
40:14
Speaker 1: the nearest goodwill, Like I want nothing to do with them,
40:17
Speaker 1: so then I have to pawn them off my boyfriend,
40:18
Speaker 1: I'm like, oh, I had to change my number or
40:20
Speaker 1: I'm out of town. What's the worst is when I
40:22
Speaker 1: tell him I'm doing something with you and they see
40:23
Speaker 1: you're out of town and I'm like, fuck. But you
40:28
Speaker 1: can always blame me. You could always just say you're
40:30
Speaker 1: doing something of that or that my Bell needs, you know,
40:34
Speaker 1: some sort of body wax. For those of you who
40:36
Speaker 1: don't know, my Bell is my housekeeper. She's been my
40:38
Speaker 1: housekeeper for a very long time and she has a
40:40
Speaker 1: maternal instinct and I don't. And that's why my dogs
40:43
Speaker 1: love her and hate me. I said, I had to
40:46
Speaker 1: go over and brush your hair when I was like,
40:47
Speaker 1: she couldn't get her extensions out and I have to
40:49
Speaker 1: go take them out for her. God, my extensions. Those
40:52
Speaker 1: were so disgusting. Well thanks, you're sweetheart. Now they're gone.
40:56
Speaker 1: What do you mean thanks to my sweeeart? Did you
40:57
Speaker 1: cut them out? You're sleeping? I know that we really
41:00
Speaker 1: answered that thoroughly for her, but okay, so yeah, I guess,
41:04
Speaker 1: try and do it softly by stop returning their calls
41:07
Speaker 1: and texts. Try and do it like that, and if
41:09
Speaker 1: it takes more than five times. Just say hey, I'm
41:12
Speaker 1: going through something. I really don't have time to hang
41:15
Speaker 1: out for the next you know, a few months, I'll
41:18
Speaker 1: call you when my crisis. I'll be in touch. I'll
41:20
Speaker 1: be in touch. I'll be in touch. Is a great
41:22
Speaker 1: way to end everything. Just I'll be hey, I'm sorry
41:25
Speaker 1: you haven't heard from me for a while, but I'm
41:29
Speaker 1: dealing with a lot of stuff right now. I don't
41:31
Speaker 1: have time to hang out. I'll be in touch. That's perfect,
41:37
Speaker 1: That's all you need. Why don't we take this moment
41:39
Speaker 1: to take a little break. And I'd like to read
41:42
Speaker 1: an ad. Actually, what was the last instance where you
41:46
Speaker 1: had to dump a friend? The last instance? It's an
41:49
Speaker 1: ongoing process because it doesn't take Yeah, I I say
41:53
Speaker 1: that you're thinning the herd because when I started working
41:57
Speaker 1: for you, which was five years ago, there were a
41:58
Speaker 1: lot of people in the mix. There are a lot
42:00
Speaker 1: of people on trips, there are a lot of people
42:02
Speaker 1: popping in and out of the house. It isn't much smaller,
42:05
Speaker 1: and I would say better group now in terms of quality.
42:10
Speaker 1: This is a friend that I've had for many, many years,
42:13
Speaker 1: an old friend who every once in a while pops up,
42:17
Speaker 1: but it's always something work related, like do I want
42:20
Speaker 1: to do this for her friends production? Do I want
42:24
Speaker 1: to do this for a friend's production? Do I want
42:26
Speaker 1: to do this? It's kind of always like that. Or
42:30
Speaker 1: we have another friend in common, and she kind of
42:34
Speaker 1: when that friend is around, will invite me around to
42:37
Speaker 1: get me there for my other friend, right, and so
42:40
Speaker 1: I obviously don't participate in that because it feels weird. Yes, yes, yes, yes.
42:47
Speaker 1: So anyway, she emails me and she'll text me every
42:51
Speaker 1: once in a while, and I just have always had
42:54
Speaker 1: this feeling about her that I don't find her sincere,
42:57
Speaker 1: and I find her to be a bit you know,
42:59
Speaker 1: she's always working everything, which is very common in l A. Yes,
43:03
Speaker 1: that's very common. So she texted me the other day
43:07
Speaker 1: and was asking for us to get together out of
43:10
Speaker 1: nowhere or she mentioned, oh I saw so and so
43:13
Speaker 1: da dada, they said that you guys were just together
43:16
Speaker 1: here and there and again it was like that weird,
43:18
Speaker 1: you know, she just rubbed me the wrong way. So
43:20
Speaker 1: then she texted me the other night and said, hey,
43:23
Speaker 1: do you want to go to dinner? I'm back on
43:25
Speaker 1: this date. Are you back from Canada? And I just said,
43:29
Speaker 1: I am back from Canada, no time for dinner. Sorry,
43:35
Speaker 1: I'm trying to figure out who this is. You wouldn't
43:37
Speaker 1: know her, So this person is really not like part
43:40
Speaker 1: of your No. No, no, no, not part of her. No,
43:44
Speaker 1: you wouldn't even know her. But she's somebody who just
43:46
Speaker 1: resurfaces all the time. And I'm not trying to end
43:49
Speaker 1: the friendship. But I'm not going to dinner just to
43:51
Speaker 1: be nice anymore. Why, which is okay? Yeah, it feels
43:55
Speaker 1: good to say no and you can't like that is
43:57
Speaker 1: a full, full sentence. No, that's it, like I don't
44:00
Speaker 1: want to do that, and I don't owe you an
44:01
Speaker 1: explanation exactly the explanation of like the excuse, like I
44:05
Speaker 1: wanted to come, but it's like I'm not coming. Yeah. Sorry.
44:09
Speaker 1: Do you feel like the friends that you have longevity
44:13
Speaker 1: with and that you can be open with would you
44:16
Speaker 1: give them that same response like no, I don't want
44:18
Speaker 1: to or do you feel more of a need with
44:20
Speaker 1: those people that you are good with my friends? I
44:22
Speaker 1: could say I'm not in the mood for that, or
44:24
Speaker 1: I don't want to do that or blah blah blah.
44:26
Speaker 1: Those are the best friendships. Yeah, of course, and that's
44:28
Speaker 1: how it should be with everybody. You shouldn't be doing
44:30
Speaker 1: anything that like, I mean, the idea of going to
44:33
Speaker 1: dinner with someone that I'm not really interested in seeing
44:36
Speaker 1: it is not on the menu for me. There's nothing worse.
44:39
Speaker 1: You said it when we've been somewhere, that I will
44:40
Speaker 1: make an audible sound if I'm disinterested, or you can
44:43
Speaker 1: see it on my face that like, I will roll
44:45
Speaker 1: my eyes and I don't even I don't even know.
44:47
Speaker 1: But that's why I don't engage in things I really
44:48
Speaker 1: don't want to do because I'm I could never be
44:50
Speaker 1: an actor. I hide it so poorly that I don't
44:52
Speaker 1: want to. I also hide it poorly, which is why
44:55
Speaker 1: it's even more frustrating for the people that the people
44:58
Speaker 1: that I'm trying to blow off do not get it
45:01
Speaker 1: because I'm not. There's no mirror shield here. They think
45:04
Speaker 1: you're having a great time. So what what's wrong with
45:06
Speaker 1: them that they don't understand that I no longer want
45:10
Speaker 1: to engage. People are just very dense. It's hard for
45:14
Speaker 1: them to understand that someone wouldn't want to hang out.
45:16
Speaker 1: I think they're just, you know, they've got nothing going on.
45:19
Speaker 1: But was this example, applying what we were talking about
45:22
Speaker 1: with the last Well, I think you know, she wanted
45:25
Speaker 1: to broach the subject of not being interested in friendships
45:28
Speaker 1: anymore with some of these people in her life. Yeah, right, yeah,
45:31
Speaker 1: so I think that that does apply. Right. You could
45:34
Speaker 1: easily just say don't have time now, keep it short
45:37
Speaker 1: and sweet, and don't worry about what their reaction is
45:39
Speaker 1: to that. My friend's reaction was like, got it will
45:42
Speaker 1: catch up in a couple of months. That was her reaction,
45:45
Speaker 1: which is perfect. And see, I've just gotten to the point,
45:47
Speaker 1: like you where no, I don't want to do this,
45:50
Speaker 1: where if I feel like a relationship is kind of
45:53
Speaker 1: run its course, saying that being like, hey, you know,
45:55
Speaker 1: like we used to have a really good time together
45:58
Speaker 1: and that was great, but like, you know, we're both
46:00
Speaker 1: different paths now, or like I'm investing time myself, like
46:02
Speaker 1: I really don't have time or energy to do that
46:04
Speaker 1: right now. I don't know that sounds a little bit much.
46:06
Speaker 1: I'm investing time in myself. It's just like I don't
46:08
Speaker 1: have time right now. I'm sorry, period, that's it, because
46:11
Speaker 1: you don't have the time. So I'm explaining too much.
46:14
Speaker 1: Don't explain don't over explain. That's the minute. And then
46:17
Speaker 1: that's when lies come in because we always are like
46:19
Speaker 1: I was gonna come. It's so much cooler just to
46:21
Speaker 1: say I'm not coming. Sorry, didn't work out tonight. Sorry
46:26
Speaker 1: that in my phone. Yeah, I don't over explain because
46:28
Speaker 1: I just feel like that just sounds like bullshit anyway.
46:31
Speaker 1: I mean it probably is. It does. It sounds like bullshit,
46:34
Speaker 1: and you know it's just another excuse. So you just
46:36
Speaker 1: have to be direct. That's the moral of the story
46:38
Speaker 1: in this episode. Yeah, If that's the moral of the
46:40
Speaker 1: story of the season, I want a divorce. Goodbye. There
46:45
Speaker 1: was a lot going on here today. What did you
46:48
Speaker 1: take away from all this relationship the dynamics of them.
46:51
Speaker 1: I think that comes back to the same fucking thing
46:53
Speaker 1: all the time is that people a are annoying and
46:57
Speaker 1: then be It's hard to have conversations about anything, right.
47:01
Speaker 1: But I think the overarching advice that we gave is
47:04
Speaker 1: that you have to just be honest with your communication
47:07
Speaker 1: and just address it head on. I mean, you just
47:09
Speaker 1: have to have that conversation. There's really no way around it.
47:12
Speaker 1: Whether it's a note or in person, you're going to
47:14
Speaker 1: have to deal with it. Yeah, yeah, you gotta just
47:16
Speaker 1: sucking go for it. And the sooner the conversation happens,
47:18
Speaker 1: the sooner it's over, and the sooner you have your
47:21
Speaker 1: answer on the other side, you know, like it's just
47:23
Speaker 1: saying it. It's just the ramping up to the actual
47:27
Speaker 1: encounter that is the most anxiety induce it. What was
47:32
Speaker 1: the most anxiety inducing for me during this episode was
47:34
Speaker 1: thinking about you married. Oh my god, I won't get married.
47:37
Speaker 1: Who's going to marry me anyway? Someone would? Someone will
47:40
Speaker 1: if you wanted to, they would for sure. But I
47:42
Speaker 1: couldn't go through that. You mean the actual wedding or
47:45
Speaker 1: the post all of it, the lead up or the breakdown.
47:48
Speaker 1: I don't want it. Like I want you to have
47:51
Speaker 1: someone for intercourse. I support you and that, thank you
47:54
Speaker 1: for that, even a live in to some degree, but
47:56
Speaker 1: just everything that comes along with someone. I'm also in
48:00
Speaker 1: support of that. Or maybe it's a Tim Burton and
48:02
Speaker 1: Helena Bottom Carter thing. They just shared a common wing,
48:05
Speaker 1: but they each have their own sides of the house.
48:07
Speaker 1: Aren't they fucking divorced? Because he was having an affair
48:10
Speaker 1: with the nanny. Let's call Laura Walster back will find out. Okay, Well,
48:14
Speaker 1: I want to thank you listeners for calling in and
48:16
Speaker 1: asking for our advice. I know how magical it must
48:19
Speaker 1: be for you to get it. I would like to
48:21
Speaker 1: thank my co host Brandon and his very bushy eyebrows.
48:25
Speaker 1: But yeah, we want to say thank you for listening
48:28
Speaker 1: and that we will be back here. We should be
48:30
Speaker 1: announcing something, probably tour dates coming up, or you're getting
48:34
Speaker 1: back on the road. Oh, don't say it like that.
48:37
Speaker 1: That makes me sound like a motorcycle mama. I would
48:40
Speaker 1: love for you to travel between cities on a motorcycle.
48:42
Speaker 1: Oh my god, can you imagine what kind of shield
48:45
Speaker 1: I would need. We could get a sidecar for Bert.
48:48
Speaker 1: Bert would love it with those goggles on. That would
48:52
Speaker 1: be so cute. I'll figure that out for your sweetheart.
48:56
Speaker 1: Until next time, okay, Sam, And of course you've always
49:00
Speaker 1: email your issues, your questions, your thoughts to Dear Chelsea
49:03
Speaker 1: Project at gmail dot com. Again, Dear Chelsea Project at
49:08
Speaker 1: gmail dot com. Problem solved.