Latest / Butterfly Days w Tami Jorden / Forged Not Erased: Caregiving in Midlife Without Losing Yourself

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Forged Not Erased: Caregiving in Midlife Without Losing Yourself · Butterfly Days w Tami Jorden

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  Welcome to Rob.
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  To my home. I'm Tammy Jordan, and this is Butterfly Days, the podcast that proves you're not past your prime. You're living in it right now because women don't have expiration dates. Butterfly Days is a celebration of the extraordinary potential of Gen X and Boomer women. Throughout history, women have shared wisdom to uplift and empower one another. And you're about to learn hard-earned wisdom and best-kept secrets.
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  From interesting, inspiring women. So if you're ready to embrace your butterfly season with confidence, find joy in the present, and create a legacy that matters, you're in the right place. No more holding back. Let's spread our wings now.
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  Here we go.
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  Welcome to my realm.
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  This is Tammy Jordan and you're listening to Butterfly Days. Today, I want to start at bedside. Not a hypothetical one, a real one. In hospice work, we see patterns, and frankly, we all know this story. A parent in the last chapter of a long life, can you see it? And the person holding her hand is often her daughter. That daughter has not slept properly in months.
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  She has a job and children of her own and a phone full of messages that she hasn't answered, and she's guilty about that. And here she is anyway, doing the oldest work there is. And I want to say something clearly before we go anywhere else today. That work is sacred. Caring for someone on your watch, a child, an aging parent.
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  A partner who got the diagnosis that none of you saw coming. That is not a problem to be optimized. It is not an inconvenience to your real life. In a lot of ways, it is the realest life gets. There are seasons where love asks us to genuinely sacrifice on behalf of someone who cannot carry themselves right now. And answering that call.
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  is one of the highest things that a human being ever does. When we show up for our people in their hour of need, we upgrade our own hearts and theirs. So I need you to hear me. Nothing I say for the next few minutes is going to tell you that you deserve an easy life. Or that the people depending on you are a burden you should set down. That's not the message because it's a cheat message straight up.
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  You can count on me to go deep and to find third-way paths for you to think about. So I want us to focus somewhere a little truer in these issues. Because here's where I want to sit with you on this. That sacred work has, for generations, often quietly destroyed the women doing it. And the culture's new answer right now: protect your peas, put yourself first, cut out anything hard.
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  Is going to fail those same women and fail those they love. I say there's a third way. It's older than being a noble martyr, and it's wiser than any influencer's content. Let me show you what I think. Let's talk about the way it used to work, the way a lot of us were handed hard family jobs automatically because we had ovaries, I think.
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  Listen, it nuts out to this. You sacrifice everything. You need nothing. Not allowed. Your worth is your usefulness to this family. And if you do it without complaint, if you never say, I'm not okay, society hands you a little badge. She's so selfless. She never thinks of herself. Noble points, I call them. And I want to tell you about a study because it puts numbers on what that badge.
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  actually cost. Researchers at Mayo Clinic surveyed more than 4,000 women in midlife, and they found something that sounds obvious once you hear it. The women doing the most caregiving, that's 15 hours or more a week, were the ones most likely to be drowning in menopause symptoms, hot lashes, broken sleep, anxiety, exhaustion, the whole catalog, the whole enchilada. My first instinct was, well,
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  Yeah, duh. But I want us to do something that we don't always do. I want to poke at this information because a headline that says caregiving makes menopause worse, that's not actually what the study found. The study used a questionnaire. And every number in it is a woman scoring how she feels. And here's what the questionnaire can't tell you.
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  Whether these women's bodies are truly worse off, or whether they're simply the ones paying enough attention to notice. It can't separate suffering more from finally being asked, do you have a problem? Which is what these women were in the questionnaire. So I'm not telling you to make that finding smaller. I'm telling you this because the truer story is hiding underneath it.
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  Because there's another body of research that's interesting, decades of it actually, about women who were taught somewhere along the way that their needs go last, that their value lives in what they give. Psychologists even have a name for this. I didn't know this. It's called self-silencing. Harvard trained psychologist Dana Jack built a whole scale to measure it, and one part of it is literally called care as self-sacrifice.
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  The belief that your worth is your service. That's a tricky point, isn't it? And they followed these women for years. Self-silencing doesn't just make you sad, it turns out. In the long-term heart research, silencing yourself has been linked to higher risk of heart disease and death. Sit with that. The woman who never says, I'm not okay, her body is keeping score anyway. Please remember that.
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  So when I look at the caregiving study that we talked about at first, I don't just see tired women. I see women who were never given permission to matter to themselves. Because I do this hospice and vigil work. Let me tell you what I've never once heard anyone say at the end. Never heard them say, I wish I'd served harder and needed less. Just doesn't happen. Because you are not just a body trying to last longer.
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  You are a life trying to matter more. And that includes mattering to yourself. And that's the old trap, erasure. Dressed up as virtue. So hold on to the understanding of erasure because we're about to swing hard in the other direction. And I want you to see that the new answer has its own trap waiting. So the culture noticed that women are being used up, which is great.
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  It noticed that women were being ground down and it decided to fix it. And the fix, everywhere you scroll, I swear, sounds like this. Protect your peace. You don't owe anyone anything. If it's hard, it's toxic. Cut them off. You deserve ease. Now, some of that is medicine that certain people genuinely need, and I mean that. If you were raised with no boundaries at all,
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  You're allowed to have needs is a revelation. I'm not mocking that. And there are abuse situations where it's entirely reasonable to separate from a relative. I am not addressing that. But I want to be frank with you because I think a lot of what's being sold right now is cheap psycho babble that just dresses up selfishness and calls it healing. And it fails us in two directions. And this is kind of a big deal. First, it fails the people on our watch.
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  Your mother with dementia is not toxic. Your husband midway through chemo is not draining your energy in a way you need to walk away from. There are people who genuinely cannot carry themselves right now. And put yourself first always, taken literally, abandons them. That's not empowerment. That's desertion, and we got to call it. And second, this is the part that almost nobody says.
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  It fails you to think that. Because the impulse to flatten every hardship, to treat all difficulty as damage, robs you of the one thing that actually forges our humanity. Honey, we are not destroyed by hard things. We are forged by them. If we go with good self-esteem and we don't go in alone. Loving someone through hell.
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  refines us in the end. It sands down our pettiness. It shows us what we're actually made of. I have watched people become the truest, deepest, most beautiful version of themselves in exactly the season social media would tell them to run from it. So no, your life should not be easy because you're entitled to it. That's not the standard. And I'm not going to tell you that. The standard is this your life should be meaningful.
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  And you should be whole while you live it. That's what I stand for. That's what I'm urging you towards. Which brings us to the only honest answer that I've got. Here's the thing that took me years to understand. The martyr and the wise caregiver both give everything. Watch them for a day, and you might not even see the difference because both are exhausted, but both show up and both love fiercely. The difference is this.
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  One of them disappears and one of them does not. The martyr erases herself. Full stop. The wise caregiver sacrifices and stays herself while she does it. She knows her limits. She takes restoration in the cracks. She lets other people help. She keeps her own esteem intact so that when the season ends, and it will end, there is still a woman standing there.
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  That is not a lesser love. It is a more durable love. And it is more honest because it refuses to pretend that you are infinite. So let me get practical, because take care of yourself is useless advice to a woman with no margin. Here is what why sacrifice looks like on every Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, days ending with why. Number one, name your limits out loud.
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  To one person at least. Self-silencing dies the moment you say the true sentence to one safe human. Find your safe human. Not the whole world. One person at least. I'm not okay and I need help with Thursday. You're not failing the test of being a good daughter or a good wife by saying it. You're passing the test by being a whole one. Two.
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  Get your own symptoms actually treated. Ladies cannot be more important. Mayo also found that three out of four midlife women have menopause symptoms and almost never seek care for them. Not because the help doesn't exist, because they were told it was normal by their medical community. Or nobody asked, Hear me, your hot blashes, your insomnia, your rage, your fog, those are not the toll that you should pay for loving someone. They're treatable.
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  Find a menopause literate clinician, please. For instance, the North American Menopause Society keeps a directory of certified practitioners at menopause dot org. You can book an appointment that you just like you keep making them for everybody else. Number three, self-care quickies that fit in with no margin. Forget the spa day. You are not gonna take it. Start thinking in minutes. Seriously. The physiological sigh first. Two short inhales through the nose.
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  One long exhale through the mouth three times. It's the fastest evidence-based way to drop your stress response. And you can do it in the hospital hallway with nobody knowing. Get outside for five minutes of daylight. Morning light steadies your sleep and your mood. And sleep is the first thing that caregiving steals. Get yourself outside in daylight and breathe for a hot minute. You deserve it, whoever you're caring for, if they love you.
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  They would want this for you. Next, have it stack one kindness onto something that you're already doing in the caregiving. For instance, make it a little rule for yourself. This can be fun. Make a little rule to drink a full glass of water every time you give them their medication. Now their care schedule is watering you too. Also, think about the good enough rule. I love this. You do not have to do this perfectly. Perfect caregiving is a myth.
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  That only produces guilt. Good enough, sustained over time, beats perfect that collapses in a month. Number four, enlist help, and treat it as strength, not surrender. You were sold a lie that asking for help means you're not handling it. Well, the truth is the opposite. In corporate life, we call this management, and it's certainly not put down as weakness. The truth is the opposite. Caregivers.
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  Who last are the ones who build a team, family, friends, professionals, community. A dying woman's daughter should not be the sole load-bearing wall for an entire family, you guys. Divide the weight. Assign siblings who can't handle the hands-on stuff to handle paperwork and pharmacy instead. Everyone can carry something. And until you insist on it, it may not happen. Number five, schedule respite.
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  Like it's a medical appointment because it is. Respite care. That's a few hours, a few days, someone else at the post so you can breathe. That's what respite care is. It's not a luxury. It's how you keep going. Put it on the calendar in ink. Protect it like you'd protect their doctor's visit. Six, find your people. And I mean the ones who get it. There is a specific loneliness to this work. And the antidote is easy.
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  Other people walking the same road or who have walked it. You need a room, real or virtual, where you don't have to explain why you're tired, where I lost my temper and then I cried in the car. It's nods and not judgment. And because I never want to leave you with the feeling and no doorway, here's exactly where to start. And I love this. If you're a woman caring for an aging parent, the first place I'd send you is daughterhood.
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  That's daughterhood.org. It was founded by Ann Tumblinson, and it exists for exactly you, the daughter carrying the binder into the ER, logging in the patient portal, holding it all together. They run free virtual support circles. Some go deep on a topic like dementia or navigating the system, some just to connect you with other women who get it. There's a podcast, a blog, and a whole library of resources.
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  They even cover what comes after the grief, the identity vacuum, the who am I now that no one needs me at 3 a.m.? And their whole message is one that I believe in my bones. Your efforts aren't just good enough. They are heroic. So a few more doorways, and I'll make sure every number I mention is in the show notes. Remember, if you're caring for someone terminally ill,
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  The Medicare hospice benefit has generally included respite care. It used to run like this, so please check, but it was up to five days so a caregiver can rest. Most folks have no idea, but now you do. The first resource I'd suggest to you is the Elder Care Locator. One phone call, 800-677-1116. It connects you to your local area agency on aging, which is the front door to respite.
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  Meals, transportation, and support in your community. Next, the Family Caregiver Alliance, Caregiver.org. Deep, trustworthy library, a helpline, and a services by state guide. Great resource. Caregiver Action Network, their Family Caregiver Help Desk, which is 855-227-3640, is a real person you can talk to even when you don't know what to ask. Finally,
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  The Archnational Respite Locator, that's Archrespite, A-R-C-H-R-E-S-P-I-T-E dot org to find that break near you. Also, and these are a little specific, if your person has dementia, God bless you, the Alzheimer's Association has a 24-7 helpline, 800-272-3900. Remember, all of these numbers will be listed in the show notes on the Substack and Apple, wherever you get your podcast.
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  If you're caring for a veteran, first of all, thank you from my heart for your service. It won't make me cry. The VA Caregiver Support Line is 855-260-3274. And if you're not sure whether you're feeling exhaustion or something deeper, that's worth taking seriously. Mental Health America has a free five-minute screening tool at screening.mhational.org.
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  A that stands for Mental Health America national dot org. If you're in crisis, you can always call or text 988. If you're in crisis, you can always call or text 988. None of that makes the hard thing not hard. It's not the promise, you guys. I'm sorry. The promise is that you don't have to be forged in isolation. If you hear anything, please hear this message. Fire applied intentionally refines. Fire alone, it just burns.
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  So here's where I've landed after all the bedsides and the hands held. To love someone through hell, to stay when it's brutal, to wipe the brow, to hold the hand and show up on the day when you have nothing left. That may be one of the highest callings we're given as humans. And I don't want to flatten it. I don't want to optimize it away. I want to honor it. And I want you to be there for it, not a ghost of you.
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  Not the hollowed-out shell that the Noble Points version would leave behind of you. You, Hull, with your limits named, your people around you, your worth still intact, and your destiny to be who you want to be through this in your own hands. Because the goal was never a life with no sacrifice. A life with no sacrifice.
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  You guys is a small freaking life, and I'm not here to advocate that for you. I want you to live a big, beautiful life. The goal is to sacrifice wisely, to pour yourself out for the people on your watch without pouring yourself away. So here's my benediction for you. May you never forget that you are not a body trying to last longer. You are a life trying to matter more.
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  And I pray you gain the rich blessing of both loving others and yourself with your whole heart. May you have peace knowing that mattering more in these sacred and terrible seasons means loving them well and keeping yourself whole enough to be loved in return. You will be forged by this, not destroyed, forged. And remember, I'm written for you.
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  If you're interested in having me on your podcast or to speak at your women's group or community corporate organization, live or virtual, you can contact me at TammyJordan.com. I'm happy to share on issues that show everything from midlife pivots that are our superpower now, and also talking about that we don't have to be afraid of our lives ending as much as them never really beginning. I talk on lots of those topics. I'm happy to do it with your group. Just let me know.
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  I'm so grateful you listened to this episode. I hope it's a real to you. If there's a sister in your life who needs this message,
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  What was of real value to you?
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  Please share it, just like women have done to lift each other up over the centuries and across cultures. Women lifting each other is so important. It's why I do this work. And to avoid FOMO and keep up leveling your own life, make sure you don't miss the next episode. You may be losing hormones, but your life has given you power to
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  Full perspective.
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  speaker-1 (22:13.134)
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  And I believe you have something to give that no one else does that the world needs. So remember, I'm rooting for you. Let's go!
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  Yeah.