Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #396 I'll Do Better Tomorrow

Transcript

#396 I'll Do Better Tomorrow · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:03
  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: time poor parent who just wants answers.
• 0:10
  Speaker 2: Now, what do you want to think right now? What
• 0:12
  Speaker 2: do you want to feel right now? Let's work on
• 0:15
  Speaker 2: our thoughts together.
• 0:16
  Speaker 1: And now here's the stars of our show, my mum
• 0:20
  Speaker 1: and dad.
• 0:20
  Speaker 3: Gooday, this is doctor Justin Coulson, the host of Parental Guidance.
• 0:25
  Speaker 3: No hang on, the co host and the parenting expert.
• 0:27
  Speaker 3: I keep giving myself that promotion. Ali is going to
• 0:30
  Speaker 3: be cranky if she is the podcast. I'm so sorry.
• 0:32
  Speaker 3: Ali the co host and parenting expert on parental Guidance
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  Speaker 3: and founder of Happy Families dot com dot au. It's Friday.
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  Speaker 3: Hello Kylie, my wife, mum to our six kids. Hey, Sikoh,
• 0:44
  Speaker 3: I can't believe I'm only a little bit allurgy ish
• 0:48
  Speaker 3: because of you. I'm just saying. And we haven't even kissed.
• 0:52
  Speaker 3: It's just living in the same house. This stuffs contagious
• 0:55
  Speaker 3: for those of you who are worried. No, we don't
• 0:57
  Speaker 3: have COVID. We've just got one of those old fashioned
• 0:59
  Speaker 3: colds that's sometimes go around. And thanks to Kylie, well,
• 1:04
  Speaker 3: it looks like we're hearing we're going to have a
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  Speaker 3: quiet weekend this weekend while we all get our immune
• 1:09
  Speaker 3: systems back on track and drink and swallow and chew
• 1:13
  Speaker 3: acinasia and vitamin CEA tablets up the wa zoo because
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  Speaker 3: we just can't get enough of it. Hey, if you're
• 1:18
  Speaker 3: new to the podcast, Every Friday, and by the way, welcome,
• 1:20
  Speaker 3: Thank you so much for choosing our podcast. Thank you
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  Speaker 3: for listening. We have got an extraordinary number of new
• 1:26
  Speaker 3: podcast listeners. Every Friday, we do this episode that we
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  Speaker 3: call I'll Do Better Tomorrow. The idea is that we
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  Speaker 3: reflect and review, really get intentional about the week that was,
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  Speaker 3: so that we can be better parents tomorrow next week
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  Speaker 3: moving forward, we share a story each, an insight each,
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  Speaker 3: and what we've discovered about our parenting as we've reflected
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  Speaker 3: on the week that was. So Kylie, would you like
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  Speaker 3: to go first, ladies before gentlemen, or should I go first? Today?
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  Speaker 2: I can go first.
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  Speaker 3: Let's hear it.
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  Speaker 2: Well, I had a really interesting experience this week. I've
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  Speaker 2: spent a lot of my life living in what I
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  Speaker 2: would call emotional overwhelm, and so I often find myself
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  Speaker 2: feeling really cranky and frustrated a lot of the time.
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  Speaker 2: Why are you smiling at me.
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  Speaker 3: Well, this is an incredible insight that you've had. Are
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  Speaker 3: you sharing it publicly? You haven't even told me that
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  Speaker 3: you've had this insight, and.
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  Speaker 2: So I've actually been working with a coach.
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  Speaker 3: I want to pause for just a second. You're not
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  Speaker 3: a cranky person, not by any stretch, but I will
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  Speaker 3: agree that from time to time, your initial response to
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  Speaker 3: a situation is one where, oh, no catastrophe, and I've
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  Speaker 3: got to be crankier. I've got to deal with the threat.
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  Speaker 3: So it's a really great insight. I'm so glad that
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  Speaker 3: you've shared that. So you've been working with a coach.
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  Speaker 2: I have been working with a coach to kind of
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  Speaker 2: just start to work out how I can better process
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  Speaker 2: the different emotions, because I think in my emotional vocab,
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  Speaker 2: I probably have like three emotions. It's either elated and
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  Speaker 2: happy or I am just mad or sad. I think
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  Speaker 2: they are my three emotions.
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  Speaker 3: I think that you've got a much broader emotional repertoire.
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  Speaker 3: But it's interesting that you think that. I want to
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  Speaker 3: interrupt and just highlight something really important here. We've been
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  Speaker 3: married for twenty million, getting dangerously close to twenty five
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  Speaker 3: years now, married in the late dangerous well, wonderfully, wonderfully
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  Speaker 3: close to two. We've been married since the late nineteen nineties,
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  Speaker 3: and we've never really done anything like the whole life
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  Speaker 3: coaching thing. But this is something that you decided that
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  Speaker 3: you wanted to do and I've watched the way you're
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  Speaker 3: I'm going to call it in a work is changing
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  Speaker 3: the way that you think and the way that you respond,
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  Speaker 3: and it's really exciting. So tell us more about this
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  Speaker 3: emotional inside that you've had.
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  Speaker 2: Well, with so many moving parts in any given day,
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  Speaker 2: I kind of I'm just I'm on the go all
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  Speaker 2: the time and often don't allow myself to take I
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  Speaker 2: guess a little bit of a chill pill every now
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  Speaker 2: and again so that I can start to process some
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  Speaker 2: of the emotions that I'm feeling, or you know, just
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  Speaker 2: actually thinking through the scenarios that have happened in my
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  Speaker 2: day and what it is I actually am feeling about them,
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  Speaker 2: because it's just this overwhelming feeling of overwhelming.
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  Speaker 3: And six kids will do that right Like it's busy,
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  Speaker 3: there's stuff going on all the time.
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  Speaker 2: And this week I noticed that one of our children
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  Speaker 2: has a tendency to just get angry at everything, and
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  Speaker 2: I wondered whether or not that's exactly how she's feeling.
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  Speaker 2: And so I actually took her aside one day and
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  Speaker 2: we spent some time on the bed together, having a
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  Speaker 2: little snuggle and a cuddle, and we talked about things,
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  Speaker 2: and I said to her, you know what, I've started
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  Speaker 2: doing something and I think it will really help you.
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  Speaker 2: I said, I want you to spend the next three
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  Speaker 2: minutes just writing. So get a clean piece of paper,
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  Speaker 2: and I said, I just I don't want you to
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  Speaker 2: think about what you're writing. I don't care if it's
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  Speaker 2: got spelling mistakes or if there's punctuation. I just want
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  Speaker 2: you to write whatever you're thinking about right now and
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  Speaker 2: just put it all on paper. And I said, I'm
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  Speaker 2: just gonna I go put my makeup on because I've
• 5:01
  Speaker 2: got to go out today, So I'm going to go
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  Speaker 2: put my makeup on and I'll just leave you so
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  Speaker 2: you've got some space to just write. She kind of
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  Speaker 2: looked at me, like, what what have I got to write?
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  Speaker 2: And I said, I just want you to write what's
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  Speaker 2: in your head. So I walked off and I kind
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  Speaker 2: of checked my watch, and I came back a few
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  Speaker 2: minutes later and honestly, she was like possessed. I was
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  Speaker 2: watching her. The pen was like skimming the page. She
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  Speaker 2: was writing so fast, and I said, are you done yet?
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  Speaker 1: And she can't.
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  Speaker 2: She didn't even lift her head. She just kept writing.
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  Speaker 2: And I said, okay, I'll give you another few minutes,
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  Speaker 2: and I walked away. She felt about five pages, I've
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  Speaker 2: just her thoughts and it all came spilling out onto
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  Speaker 2: the page and I didn't get to read that that
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  Speaker 2: was hers. But we're able to kind of just talk
• 5:45
  Speaker 2: about that process, because what happens when it's all stuck
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  Speaker 2: in our head is that we actually can't process it
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  Speaker 2: because there's so many conflicting thoughts and it just keeps.
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  Speaker 3: On going around and around, round and around and round
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  Speaker 3: and around round and confusing us and frustrating this and
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  Speaker 3: making this feel like world.
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  Speaker 2: Yes, and so she was able to do that. And
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  Speaker 2: so I said, if you could just pick one emotion
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  Speaker 2: that you're feeling out of all of the things that
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  Speaker 2: you've written down, what's one thing you're feeling right now?
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  Speaker 2: And she just couldn't say the word, and I said,
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  Speaker 2: why don't you just write it down on the page.
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  Speaker 2: So she wrote down what she was feeling, And I said,
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  Speaker 2: and if you could pick one thought that helps you
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  Speaker 2: to feel that feeling or makes you know that feeling
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  Speaker 2: more apparent, what is it? She was able to write
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  Speaker 2: her thought down and we were able to talk about
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  Speaker 2: that and acknowledge that our thoughts actually create the feelings
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  Speaker 2: we have and then create the actions that we do
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  Speaker 2: or take as a response to those feelings. And if
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  Speaker 2: I don't want to feel this anymore, what can I think?
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  Speaker 2: What can I think to help me feel what I want?
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  Speaker 2: And it was such it was so powerful as we
• 6:50
  Speaker 2: sat there and we looked at and she kind of
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  Speaker 2: just looked at me like I can do that, Like, yes,
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  Speaker 2: yes you can. And so every day since then, we've
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  Speaker 2: just had these conversations where I get to ask her,
• 7:03
  Speaker 2: what do you want to think right now? What do
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  Speaker 2: you want to feel right now? Let's work on our
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  Speaker 2: thoughts together, And it's just it's been such a powerful moment.
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  Speaker 3: I love that. Can I can I get a bit
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  Speaker 3: sciency on you?
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, I'd love you to.
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  Speaker 3: Actually, I want to get philosophical first. Epictetus said, people
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  Speaker 3: are not disturbed by things, but by the view they
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  Speaker 3: take of them, which is really kind of where you're
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  Speaker 3: going here, stuff happens, what are you going to think
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  Speaker 3: about that thing? Allow that to dictate where you go
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  Speaker 3: and it can either end up for better or for worse,
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  Speaker 3: and it ties in with this ABC model. It's a
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  Speaker 3: cognitive model that has been used by psychologists for decades
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  Speaker 3: now to help us to understand what's going on with
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  Speaker 3: our thinking. And what the ABC model is based about
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  Speaker 3: is so we've got A for adversity, we've got B
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  Speaker 3: for beliefs, and we've got C for consequences. So basically,
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  Speaker 3: when bad things happens, that's the adversity, something challenging, something horrible,
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  Speaker 3: something difficult. And then what normally happens is in our
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  Speaker 3: child's mind and even in our minds, we completely skip
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  Speaker 3: the B the belief that we have about the adversity,
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  Speaker 3: and we go straight to the C, straight to the consequences.
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  Speaker 3: So something bad happens, and boom the consequences that I
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  Speaker 3: lash out or that I'm angry, or that I feel
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  Speaker 3: like I'm not good enough or something like that. And
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  Speaker 3: what you're really doing is you're saying, let's just focus
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  Speaker 3: on the thinking. What's the belief when this stuff happens?
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  Speaker 3: What do you believe about it, because what you believe
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  Speaker 3: about it is going to determine how you act. It's
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  Speaker 3: just that the belief thing happens invisibly. It happens so quickly,
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  Speaker 3: it happens without any conscious awareness that this is what
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  Speaker 3: I believe. And if we can work on what we're thinking,
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  Speaker 3: then we can change the actions that we take as
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  Speaker 3: a result of those thoughts that had previously been invisible.
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  Speaker 3: Am I summarizing what you're describing the right way?
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  Speaker 2: Yeah?
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  Speaker 3: The ABC model, it's the same as the life coaching
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  Speaker 3: model that you've been working on. I actually write about
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  Speaker 3: it in a lot of d tail in my book
• 9:00
  Speaker 3: Nine Ways to a Resilient Child, there's a whole chapter
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  Speaker 3: about stinking thinking. And so what I'll do better Tomorrow
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  Speaker 3: is really about is saying that you've worked on one
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  Speaker 3: of our kids stinking thinking.
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  Speaker 2: I think the most powerful moment in that was just
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  Speaker 2: allowing her the permission, yeah, to give herself the permission
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  Speaker 2: to just write it all out, because sometimes there are
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  Speaker 2: things in our head we just we can't even speak,
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  Speaker 2: we can't we can't utter, and the power that we
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  Speaker 2: can find and just putting it down on paper means
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  Speaker 2: that it's Actually it's almost like it's not ours. We
• 9:35
  Speaker 2: can see it from a different perspective.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, it creates that psychological distance. I think this is
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  Speaker 3: one of the reasons that journaling is such a powerful
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  Speaker 3: psychological intervention. Once we get to get it out of
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  Speaker 3: our brain and on paper, we can process it differently.
• 9:47
  Speaker 3: What a great I'll do better tomorrow. Maybe we should
• 9:49
  Speaker 3: do that more often.
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  Speaker 2: Not just with that child, but I think that this
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  Speaker 2: will become a regular Right now.
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  Speaker 3: That's the start of something new. I like it. Up next,
• 9:58
  Speaker 3: we're going to find out how I absolutely nailed it
• 10:01
  Speaker 3: for the first time in weeks with a child who
• 10:03
  Speaker 3: has been a little bit challenging.
• 10:05
  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Famili's podcast for.
• 10:08
  Speaker 2: A happier family. Try a Happy Families membership, because a
• 10:12
  Speaker 2: happy family doesn't just happen. Details at happy families dot
• 10:16
  Speaker 2: com dot au. It's the Happy Families Podcast, the podcast
• 10:20
  Speaker 2: for a time poor parent who just wants answers. Now
• 10:23
  Speaker 2: and you've prompted it. You said you've nailed it this week,
• 10:27
  Speaker 2: let's hear it. What have you done so Over the
• 10:30
  Speaker 2: last few years.
• 10:30
  Speaker 3: Our youngest daughter, Miss Emily, who is seven, has made
• 10:33
  Speaker 3: it really, really clear that she doesn't want me involved
• 10:36
  Speaker 3: in the nighttime routine. She wants you to put it
• 10:37
  Speaker 3: to bed, she wants you to read it the story,
• 10:39
  Speaker 3: she wants you to do the whole nighttime thing. But
• 10:41
  Speaker 3: with you not being particularly well over the last few
• 10:44
  Speaker 3: nights and being a little bit kind of just overwhelmed
• 10:46
  Speaker 3: and wiped out, well, let's just say that she's been
• 10:50
  Speaker 3: a little bit more rambunctious than normal, a bit harder
• 10:52
  Speaker 3: to put to bed than normal.
• 10:54
  Speaker 2: The TV show on late nights hasn't had anything.
• 10:56
  Speaker 3: To do with that. Watching parental guidance has definitely not
• 10:58
  Speaker 3: helped her with her bedtime routine. But it hasn't held
• 11:01
  Speaker 3: you either, because you've been tired and not feeling well
• 11:03
  Speaker 3: and sort of stumbled upstairs when the show finishes at
• 11:05
  Speaker 3: like eight forty five or nine o'clock. And for somebody
• 11:08
  Speaker 3: as old as us, that's that's a late night, right.
• 11:10
  Speaker 2: You got to pull out the walking stick next.
• 11:13
  Speaker 3: I think that you might need it. I don't know.
• 11:15
  Speaker 3: So I heard you trying to put it in to
• 11:19
  Speaker 3: bed the other night, and it wasn't going very well.
• 11:21
  Speaker 3: It was apparent immediately that she was bouncing around, up
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  Speaker 3: and down, And the next thing I knew you were
• 11:26
  Speaker 3: in bed, and I was like, hang on, this child,
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  Speaker 3: it's like nine to fifteen and she's still running around
• 11:31
  Speaker 3: the house like it's the middle of the day. What's
• 11:32
  Speaker 3: going on. And I can't remember exactly what your response was.
• 11:35
  Speaker 3: It was something like, ugh, like you had nothing, and
• 11:39
  Speaker 3: I said, don't worry, I'll look after this. I think
• 11:41
  Speaker 3: you started to get up. You were going to go
• 11:42
  Speaker 3: and look over and no, no, I've got this. I've got this.
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  Speaker 3: I've been ages since she's let me put it down.
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  Speaker 3: I'm going to do it. I knew from the outset
• 11:48
  Speaker 3: that I had to get this right. I could hear
• 11:50
  Speaker 3: her running up and down the corridor and shouting at
• 11:53
  Speaker 3: her sisters, and she was having a she was in
• 11:54
  Speaker 3: a good mood, but she clearly did not want to
• 11:57
  Speaker 3: go to bed. And I remember my approach. I was
• 12:01
  Speaker 3: so intentional with my approach. So my typical response would be, Hey,
• 12:07
  Speaker 3: it's time to go to bed, and I'll sort of
• 12:08
  Speaker 3: stump down the horn and say that's it. I'm being
• 12:10
  Speaker 3: the puffer fish pair and I'm making myself as big
• 12:12
  Speaker 3: and scary as I can so that I'll just intimidate
• 12:15
  Speaker 3: her into climbing into bed. Obviously I might be embellishing
• 12:18
  Speaker 3: that a little bit, but that's that's kind of a
• 12:20
  Speaker 3: standard parenting response, right, like I've told you yes and
• 12:24
  Speaker 3: go to bed. So I was really intentional to not
• 12:27
  Speaker 3: do anything like that. Instead, my intention was I need
• 12:31
  Speaker 3: to make her feel completely safe and and I was
• 12:35
  Speaker 3: gonna say sub jude, but that's not the right word.
• 12:37
  Speaker 3: I wanted her to feel like her energy didn't have
• 12:40
  Speaker 3: to be overly high because mine was soft and gentle.
• 12:44
  Speaker 3: And as I walked towards her, she saw me and
• 12:46
  Speaker 3: I said, do I get to have big nighttime huggies?
• 12:49
  Speaker 3: And she came and gave me a great, big hug.
• 12:50
  Speaker 3: She was bouncing like full of beans. I said, it's
• 12:53
  Speaker 3: time for bed, let's go on hug. So she climbed
• 12:57
  Speaker 3: into bed and I said, do you mind if I
• 12:59
  Speaker 3: lay down on the bed next to you? And she
• 13:01
  Speaker 3: rolled over and I said, it's been ages since I
• 13:05
  Speaker 3: got to put you to bed, and this feels so special.
• 13:07
  Speaker 3: Thank you. Can I sing you a couple of songs?
• 13:10
  Speaker 3: And she said, if you want to, so with my
• 13:14
  Speaker 3: not very with it voice. Thanks to somebody who gave
• 13:17
  Speaker 3: me a cold the other day, I sang her two
• 13:20
  Speaker 3: or three songs and we hugged.
• 13:23
  Speaker 2: Did she ask you what songs you were trying to sing?
• 13:25
  Speaker 3: Yeah, a couple of times, and then she was like, dirty,
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  Speaker 3: I need this. I need to close the door. And
• 13:29
  Speaker 3: instead of me saying no, you stay there, stay still,
• 13:31
  Speaker 3: I just said, Okay, that's fine, close the door and
• 13:33
  Speaker 3: come and hug me. And she wanted to get up
• 13:34
  Speaker 3: two or three times, and so she did. She got
• 13:36
  Speaker 3: out of bed and hop back into bed and each time,
• 13:38
  Speaker 3: no pressure, no hassle, totally calm. It was just bliss.
• 13:43
  Speaker 3: And after about three minutes of the completion of my
• 13:46
  Speaker 3: final I'm going to say it was a song. It
• 13:48
  Speaker 3: wasn't much of a song, but I'm going to say
• 13:49
  Speaker 3: it was a song. This kid was out to it,
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  Speaker 3: and I thought, this is how we do it. Soft
• 13:57
  Speaker 3: gentle empathy, understand and in compassion. I know I teach
• 14:02
  Speaker 3: this stuff, but every now and again I kind of
• 14:04
  Speaker 3: forget because I'm tired, or I'm cranky, or because you're
• 14:06
  Speaker 3: doing it. N'm out of practice.
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  Speaker 2: And this is where you can thank me for facilitating
• 14:10
  Speaker 2: the opportunity for you to spend time with your daughter
• 14:13
  Speaker 2: in the bedtime routine. Are you not so much out
• 14:15
  Speaker 2: of practice anymore, are you.
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  Speaker 3: I'm just saying that it was literally one of the
• 14:18
  Speaker 3: highlights of my week, and it all happened because setting
• 14:22
  Speaker 3: the intention of the outset. It set us up for
• 14:26
  Speaker 3: a successful experience together. High five doctor co Yeah heck yeah.
• 14:31
  Speaker 3: So we really hope that these ideas, these take home messages,
• 14:34
  Speaker 3: sitting down with the kids, working through what are the
• 14:36
  Speaker 3: beliefs that you've got, what are the ideas that are
• 14:40
  Speaker 3: leading to the outcomes that you're experiencing. Having those conversations
• 14:43
  Speaker 3: can be really powerful, and setting the intention with every interaction,
• 14:46
  Speaker 3: whether it's a sleep time interaction or anything else, can
• 14:50
  Speaker 3: make a huge difference in how happy your family feels.
• 14:52
  Speaker 3: We'd love to hear about how you're doing better as
• 14:55
  Speaker 3: a result of I'll do better tomorrow. What intentional things
• 14:58
  Speaker 3: are you doing? What reflections are you having? Email us
• 15:00
  Speaker 3: podcasts at Happy Families dot com dot a you. We
• 15:04
  Speaker 3: would love to hear your stories and also your questions.
• 15:07
  Speaker 3: We'll be back to answering your questions every Tuesday in
• 15:09
  Speaker 3: a couple of weeks. If you've been enjoying the podcast,
• 15:12
  Speaker 3: please jump onto Apple Podcasts and leave a five star
• 15:15
  Speaker 3: rating and review. Apparently I mean, I don't actually have
• 15:18
  Speaker 3: any evidence of it, but I hear everybody else say
• 15:19
  Speaker 3: it on their podcasts. Apparently, if you do that, the
• 15:23
  Speaker 3: Apple algorithm bumps our podcast up in other people's feeds,
• 15:27
  Speaker 3: which means that they're more likely to discover it, which
• 15:29
  Speaker 3: means that they're more likely to make their families happier.
• 15:31
  Speaker 3: So if you love it, please take a minute, literally
• 15:33
  Speaker 3: only takes that long. Leave us a review, let us
• 15:35
  Speaker 3: know how much you're enjoying the podcast. As always, the
• 15:38
  Speaker 3: Happy Family's podcast is produced by Justin Roland from Bridge Media.
• 15:41
  Speaker 3: Craig Bruce is our executive producer, and if you'd like
• 15:43
  Speaker 3: more info about making your family happier, you can find
• 15:47
  Speaker 3: it at happy families dot com dot A. You have
• 15:50
  Speaker 3: a great weekend.