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When The Uniform Comes Off, Who Am I? · Your Thoughts Your Reality

• 0:02
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Your Thoughts, Your Reality with Michael Cole, the podcast that shines a compassionate light on the journey of veterans battling through life's challenges.
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_00: Michael is a dual-elect certified neuroencoding specialist in coaching and keynote training presentations, dedicated to guiding military veterans as they navigate the intricate pathways of post-deployment life.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_00: Join him as we delve into the profound realm of neuroencoding science, empowering these brave individuals to conquer universal battles, procrastination, self-doubt, fear, and more.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_00: Together, let's uncover the strength within you to re-engage with families and society, forging a new path forward.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_02: Hello, hello, hello, everybody.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_02: Hey, so today we have uh Garrett Biss, who is a retired Marine Corps pilot who served 16 years with multiple combat deployments.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_02: Garrett is now a recovery coach, speaker, and author helping veterans heal from the battles no one sees.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_02: Um, and we're gonna dive deep into that today.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_02: Um after his own struggle with anxiety and depression and addiction, he turned towards healing work and service.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_02: And I'm excited to really dive into that story as well.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_02: Um, he's also applied uh positive psychology and mindset to understand how to rebuild purpose after service.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_02: So, with that said, Garrett, uh why don't you tell us a little bit more about yourself, if you will?
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_01: Hey, Mike, Michael, you got us covered, man.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_01: So I think that was everything.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_01: You hit the highlights at least.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_01: So, yes, I was in the Marine Corps from uh 1999, March 10th, 1999.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_01: Still remember that morning um very uh vividly.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_01: And then I took an early retirement, was offered an early retirement in 2015.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_01: And sadly or unfortunately, which um I'll put some some air quotes around unfortunately, and we can unpack that later.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_01: But unfortunately, when I came out, I pat I followed a path and experienced a journey that a lot of veterans experience, sadly.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_01: Um, as I've come to find out, veterans as a as a population are at least 200% more likely to experience mental health challenges and struggle with addiction, and at least 57%, if not much higher, uh percent more likely to experience suicidal ideations or uh unfortunately commit suicide.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_01: And in in many of those ways, I became a statistic as I transitioned out.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_01: So fortunately, that's why I say fortunately for that experience, I found a path out of that and through that journey gained a lot of insight into the common struggles that too many of our veterans face.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_01: And it really began to get a clear understanding of what contributes to those struggles and also some unique opportunities to that veterans can use because uh, you know, in many ways, the veteran journey into the darkness and the veteran journey back into the light is pretty unique to the veteran population.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_01: So I learned some ways to help support veterans and provide them some things that they're just not getting elsewhere.
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_02: I I love that.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_02: And you know, I love how you talk about you know the dark into the light.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_02: So I I always say that um the patterns are very similar.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_02: I'm I'm very big on patterns, the stories are different, you know.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_02: And you know, it it's it's a beautiful thing that you're out here doing the kinds of things you're doing.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_02: Um, I know you're gonna be, you know, speaking with uh OSU and that kind of thing coming up.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_02: So it's really, really cool the things that you're doing.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_02: So again, thank you for being on the show.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_01: Um thank you for this opportunity.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_01: I'm I'm excited about this conversation, and I'm gonna see how you uh how you reprogram me during this talk together.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_02: I'll do that after.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_02: I'll do that after I'll do that on here, man.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_01: All right.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_02: Confidentiality, confidentiality things.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I get you, I get you.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_02: So now, and you know what, honestly, um, you know, I I just want to kind of dive in just you know, with the hardest battles that didn't happen in combat, they happened after you came home, right?
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_02: So, what was the moment you realized I'm not okay and what made you actually do something about it?
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_02: Because this is the struggle that I see over and over again with with again the patterns or whatever is um I came back, there's a honeymoon period, fantastic.
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_02: The honeymoon period ends, real life starts kicking in, that's when the battles start happening.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_02: So, can you talk to me a little bit more about that?
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, exactly.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_01: So, this will be a little bit of a spoiler alert for anybody that wants to go check my uh TEDx talk out, and you can find that at unspokentrauma.vet where I'll delve a little bit more into the story.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_01: But the short version is um I think the hardest battles that we face are those that we don't expect, those that kind of catch us off guard.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_01: So we can go through many difficult challenges in our life, and if we have some foresight, if we understand that there's going to be some struggle or some strain involved in it, then I think we can prepare a little bit more mentally for that.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_01: And the the one of the hardest battles, really the hardest battle I fought, was that one that kind of showed up unexpectedly.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_01: So as I transitioned from the military, I knew things would be different.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_01: I knew I'd have to find different work and I wouldn't have to wear the uniform.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_01: But what I didn't realize is how many things would be different inside of me.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_01: And as I've really come to understand, um, we as humans, we have fundamental human needs for our basic mental and emotional well-being.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_01: And found they fundamental to those is our need for connection.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_01: With that need for connection, we have a need for authenticity and we really have a need for meaning in our life.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_01: And those three fundamental needs, the way that service members meet those fundamental needs is ripped away from them the moment they take off that uniform for the last time.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_01: So this led me into a battle that I really wasn't expecting and didn't understand.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_01: And sadly, when you're in when you're in that darkness, when you're in that place of struggle, if you don't understand how you got there, it can be really hard to have hope that things will change.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_01: And one analogy I share often is you know, if you and I were to go for a long run or have a really hard workout in the gym one day and really pushed ourselves, and then we woke up the next morning and we were very sore, we would understand why we were sore.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_01: We would say, okay, this is related to that exercise or that workout that I did.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_01: And because we knew where it came from, we would also have hope and faith that things would change and things would get better.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_01: If you wake up one morning and you find yourself in the darkness and you have no idea how you got there, you don't know what contributed to it, it's very hard to find that hope that things will change.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, absolutely.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_02: And I I love that you say that.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_02: So can can we talk about that?
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_02: The questions are already out there.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_02: We're just gonna talk now.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_02: So um and I I warn you.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_02: So um with when you were reintegrating, if you will, in a civilian life, so um you how long was it before you kind of said, hey, something's not right?
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_01: So I mean, within days, you know you understand that things aren't right, and then it becomes a little bit more clear.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_01: So for me, I noticed this physiological sensation of a void inside of me.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_01: Not really sure where that came from.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_01: It's a common void that a lot of people that have struggled with behaviors or substances also share that they felt some experience of.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_01: And for me, my you know, there was uh uh an unhealthy use of certain substances and behaviors because I had learned this substance or behavior helps take away the feeling of that void for a period of time.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_01: Um, through that journey and in the weeks and months to come, I began to get a little bit of clarity on where that void came from.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_01: For one example, I remember finding myself at a local networking event at a chamber, and I was in a room, 40 or 50 people about my age, you know, working professionals, working civilians, and just listening to them, having their conversations, getting a sense of what their values or their interests were, and just the way that they were talking about things, the things that they found interesting, the things that they found funny.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_01: And I realized, like, okay, I understand all the words that they're saying, but I realize that I'm not, I'm not one of these people.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I feel different.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_01: And uh, and that's really uh one moment that I remember where it really sunk this feeling of like, oh, I've lost my sense of belonging.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_01: And then realizing I'm living in a whole new world for the rest of my life.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_01: I wonder if I'll ever get that sense of belonging back.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_01: But that was the first like little bit of clarity I had on where that void came from.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_02: And that, but I gotta say, that's absolutely amazing that you had it that soon and not hit with the two years in, you know.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_01: So you that's and that's the difference, you know.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_01: Every veteran's journey is a little different.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_01: For some people, it sinks in the minute they take off that uniform.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_01: For other people, it's maybe after 30 days when their body realizes, oh, this isn't an extended period of leave and we're not going back.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_01: Some people, it's you know, at three years when they're not getting orders to pick up their family and move across the country or go do a new job.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_01: But for everybody, it's a little different.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_01: Some it's very abrupt, some it's more slow.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_01: Um, but I haven't talked to a veteran who has said that they haven't gone through some sort or some version of that struggle.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_01: Like you said, you know, similar pattern, maybe their stories are different.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_01: Um, but every veteran I've talked to has gone through some version of that.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, I I I have seen the exact same thing.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_02: It's it's literally at some point, whether it's when you hand your rifle over, Danny O'Neill had he was on here and went through, you know, thank God it was a friend because he really struggled with it, you know.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_02: And Tina, my friend Tina Parker, it was it was, I don't know who I am now, you know.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_02: I've I've retired after you know 20-some years and my identity has shifted.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_02: So it's and again, just like you said, it's different for literally everybody.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_02: It could be before you get on the plane, or it could be 22 years later, that it's like bullshit, you know.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I was doing a webinar uh a couple months back, and there was a Vietnam veteran on the webinar, and he said, Man, I've been struggling with something inside and never really could put my finger on it or understand what it was until I I shared that uh the framework of this understanding of that connection, authenticity, and meaning.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_01: And he says, you know, for decades I've been struggling with something and not knowing where it came from or what it what it really represented.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_01: So, yes, for some individuals, sadly, I mean, it can be a struggle or a burden that they carry with them for decades.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, absolutely.
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_02: My dad, for instance, what the whole reason I do this is three tours in Vietnam, special forces, the whole thing.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_02: Um, government said, you know, VA, you don't have a problem, you don't have a problem until about a year before he passed.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_02: He finally they said, Okay, you have a problem.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_02: And it was immediate how everything switched once that happened.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_02: Um so you're right.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_01: Well, and for him, and and my dad sadly had a similar story, and I was finally able to get him connected and fully enrolled in the VA for about the last 18 months he was with us.
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_01: And the sense of feeling seen again, I think, was huge for him and helped bring, you know, like feeling like you're ostracized, like, okay, I'm no longer part of DOD or Department of War, as they're calling it now.
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not, I'm not really fully accepted in the VA.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_01: Like, who am I?
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_01: Who sees me?
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_01: When they fully embraced him in the VA system, I could sense his, you know, his energy and his and his mindset shift because now he was finally being seen and accepted for who he was.
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_02: Absolutely.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_02: Love it.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_02: Very similar stories.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_02: Uh, we didn't know we didn't know that going into this.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_02: That's right.
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_02: So um, so let's talk about uh that reintegration if we can.
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_02: So you you you uh we'll talk about you know obviously your story, fill in whatever whatever you are comfortable with.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_02: So you knew there was a problem, but what are the first steps that you let me rephrase that?
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_02: What are the first steps that really helped you that uh that uh once you saw, felt that you had a problem?
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, so great question.
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_01: So one of the reasons I really do what I do, and I'm so passionate about supporting people that have struggled with substances or trying to get further in their journey in recovery is because I didn't take a traditional journey to my recovery.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_01: So I didn't go through, um, I mean, I was seeing some some clinicians at the time, not not for the same reasons, but I didn't go through normal treatment for substances or behaviors.
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_01: I was very fortunate to get connected with a gentleman who became a good coach and mentor to me.
• 11:24
  SPEAKER_01: And through the work that I did with him, he started helping me fill that void.
• 11:28
  SPEAKER_01: The intention wasn't to remove the urge or the cravings for the substance and behavior, but that's ultimately what happened because as I filled that void and I came to better understand there was a disconnect.
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_01: I say, you know, we have this fundamental need for connection.
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_01: A lot of our hard, you know, we're hardwired in many ways.
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_01: A lot of our ability to emotionally regulate or feel safe and secure comes through ways that our body interacts with other humans.
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_01: So we have this fundamental need for connection.
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_01: But before we can connect with others in a nurturing way, we need to be able to connect with ourselves, not just connect with the bad parts of ourselves, but connect with the whole part of us and see ourselves in a positive light.
• 12:05
  SPEAKER_01: And that's really what his my journey working with him helped me do was to reconnect with myself, begin to see myself in a more positive way and more worthy and deserving, see myself in a full picture, not just through the lens of the things that I had done, you know, that I was embarrassed about or had shame about or guilt over, or not just looking at my defects, not just looking at my weaknesses, but a more fair and holistic perspective of myself so that I, yeah, so that I saw myself as somebody worth connecting with.
• 12:33
  SPEAKER_01: And that's really what helped foster these first couple steps towards reconnection.
• 12:36
  SPEAKER_01: So because I went through this uh atypical journey back to you know starting my recovery, I've picked up a lot of things and I've seen a lot of things that I think are absent, unfortunately, in some other individuals that have gone through a more traditional path.
• 12:49
  SPEAKER_01: So that was kind of the start of it and really the foundation for a lot of my passion in doing the work that I do.
• 12:55
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, and and I I always loved this part of the story is man, when you look back, if that person didn't come into your life, how different would it be?
• 13:05
  SPEAKER_02: And how many, how many people would you have not been there to help, you know, when you created your new identity statement of who you who I really am?
• 13:13
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 13:13
  SPEAKER_01: And that's why I said fortunately, unfortunately, I went through that darkness.
• 13:16
  SPEAKER_01: Had I not gone through the depths of that darkness, then maybe it wouldn't have led me on a new course, in which in which case I wouldn't be in this place today doing this work and trying to help the the veterans that I am.
• 13:26
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, and and and people people look at struggle sometimes and go into that victim mode, right?
• 13:32
  SPEAKER_02: And and it's easy to do.
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_02: But when you come out of that and you you really give yourself a new belief system of this is the this is what I'm gonna gain out of this.
• 13:43
  SPEAKER_02: Right.
• 13:44
  SPEAKER_02: There there are gifts, if you will, or I'm gonna learn from it, it's amazing what changes um come from that.
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_01: And that's back to that mindset and that perspective.
• 13:54
  SPEAKER_01: So you talked about you know struggle, and and honestly, I you know, as fair as I can be assessing my life and the role of struggle and hardship and and even trauma in life, I realized that I haven't gained anything in life that didn't come with some kind of struggle.
• 14:07
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, struggle is the birthplace for any kind of growth.
• 14:10
  SPEAKER_01: There's a great book, uh, it's called, I'll forget the name of it.
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_01: So there's a quote, I'll remember it here in a moment, but the quote in the book says that struggle is a terrible thing to waste.
• 14:19
  SPEAKER_01: And that's so true.
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_01: And this is back to that the hardest struggles that we face are those that come unexpectedly.
• 14:25
  SPEAKER_01: I if I if I want to go into the gym tomorrow, or if I want to pull an all-nighter studying for an exam or preparing for something, I have some idea that some struggle is about to happen, but I can lean into that and really leverage that struggle for the growth and for the benefits that can come from it, because no growth and or benefits are experienced in our life except for a little those that are come with a little bit of hardship or a little bit of struggle.
• 14:45
  SPEAKER_01: So if we can have that perspective going into it or gain it shortly after shortly thereafter, once the struggle has begun, then that can help us leverage all of it.
• 14:55
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, we are going to have some temporary suffering.
• 14:57
  SPEAKER_01: There is going to be some pain, but we understand it in the context of how this is serving me, not how is this working against me?
• 15:03
  SPEAKER_01: How is this just here to punish me?
• 15:05
  SPEAKER_02: And I love that you say that because you have to get uncomfortable to be comfortable, right?
• 15:10
  SPEAKER_02: Otherwise, you don't know.
• 15:11
  SPEAKER_02: Just like your muscles, you don't go into the gym and you come out looking like Arnold Schwarzenegger after 45 minutes, you know?
• 15:18
  SPEAKER_02: It's it's built building.
• 15:19
  SPEAKER_01: It really will continue to atrophy.
• 15:21
  SPEAKER_01: You can't even sustain, you can't even be the same person tomorrow as you were today if you don't do a couple of things that are uncomfortable.
• 15:27
  SPEAKER_02: Absolutely, absolutely love it.
• 15:28
  SPEAKER_02: So, um, so love love that you said that.
• 15:31
  SPEAKER_02: And I I want to I want to kind of go more into if we can what have you seen as some of the the major struggles and the veterans that you help and and and work with that you see as uh let's go with patterns, so that other veterans and people listening to this on the podcast forums later on or seeing this, of course, now can maybe say, hey, yeah, you know what?
• 15:54
  SPEAKER_02: I am dealing with that.
• 15:55
  SPEAKER_02: What are some of the what are some of the the patterns that you see often, if you will?
• 16:00
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah, great question.
• 16:01
  SPEAKER_01: So we'll go we'll look at this again through that framework or through that model of connection authenticity and meaning.
• 16:06
  SPEAKER_01: So very quickly, veterans feel that loss of connection, either mentally or viscerally or or or in every way possible.
• 16:14
  SPEAKER_01: And maybe at first it's this it's uncomfortable, but you don't recognize.
• 16:17
  SPEAKER_01: And it took me a while to recognize how important it is, how vital that connection is for us.
• 16:22
  SPEAKER_01: So what it typically looks like for a veteran, they transition out, they sense that loss of connection.
• 16:27
  SPEAKER_01: We as human beings, we have this, you know, we understand that we have this need for connection.
• 16:31
  SPEAKER_01: So what a lot of individuals will do, myself included, is that we'll begin to exchange some authenticity to try to reestablish connection.
• 16:39
  SPEAKER_01: So if I go into a room, if I'm sitting down here talking with Michael and I'm sharing some things and I see the expressions on his face change and I start to question whether he is going to be accepting of me as I am, then we have this tendency to like, okay, I'm going to start to hide this part of my truth so that Michael will see me or anybody will see me as somebody that's worth connecting with.
• 16:58
  SPEAKER_01: Well, the challenge is as we put on these masks and as we start to hide a part of our truth, we see on the inside this little message that says, in somehow or in some way, you're just not good enough as you are.
• 17:09
  SPEAKER_01: And that begins to continue to erode that sense of self-worth, that sense of self-efficacy and self-esteem and that feeling that we are deserving of.
• 17:16
  SPEAKER_01: So for a lot of veterans, I see this pattern.
• 17:18
  SPEAKER_01: They they sense that loss of connection.
• 17:19
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe they begin to change some authenticity.
• 17:22
  SPEAKER_01: Or for many, sadly, they uh they realize that, hey, it's less painful not to experience or perceive this rejection.
• 17:29
  SPEAKER_01: So I'm just going to isolate.
• 17:30
  SPEAKER_01: Now, people can isolate in two ways.
• 17:32
  SPEAKER_01: You can isolate physic physically and you can remove yourself from social engagement and social interaction.
• 17:37
  SPEAKER_01: Or you can isolate just by always showing up wearing these masks.
• 17:41
  SPEAKER_01: You can be surrounded by people, but still feel alone in the middle of a busy room because you don't feel like anybody's seeing you or knows you for who you are.
• 17:49
  SPEAKER_01: Um, so those are two major challenges that I see.
• 17:52
  SPEAKER_01: And really the path beyond that, is I as I started to allude to is first reconnecting with yourself.
• 17:58
  SPEAKER_01: So first, as you've gone through this traumatic experience or this hardship, this major transition in your life, and now you're feeling unsteady, you're not feeling like yourself anymore, first reconnecting with yourself.
• 18:09
  SPEAKER_01: So as we go through these hardships, it can put us in this fight or flight state.
• 18:12
  SPEAKER_01: One of the things that does to our awareness is when we're in this fight or flight state, our perspective will zoom in on just things that are potential threats.
• 18:19
  SPEAKER_01: So the challenge with this is if we're only looking for potential threats, now we're not seeing the whole picture.
• 18:24
  SPEAKER_01: So if we're in a in a in a busy hotel lobby and all of a sudden the lights go out, all of our senses are just going to be listening for things that could be potential threats.
• 18:33
  SPEAKER_01: And sadly, as we're doing this, we're not even aware of some of the many things around us that are still beautiful or still wonderful.
• 18:39
  SPEAKER_01: You know, we're not hearing the nice calming music on the uh on the radio anymore.
• 18:43
  SPEAKER_01: We're simply looking for threats.
• 18:45
  SPEAKER_01: And I think as we go through a traumatic experience or a hardship and we get into the same survival state, now we're not even seeing the good things within us.
• 18:54
  SPEAKER_01: We're looking at our weaknesses, like, oh my gosh, I hope something doesn't come out.
• 18:57
  SPEAKER_01: I hope I'm not required to do something that I can't do, or we'll look at ourselves through a lens of our defects.
• 19:02
  SPEAKER_01: Because our weaknesses and our defects, those could become future threats to our well-being.
• 19:06
  SPEAKER_01: And through this process, we zoom in on our perspective, it narrows in on just the negative things.
• 19:11
  SPEAKER_01: And when that's what your, you know, your thoughts, your reality.
• 19:14
  SPEAKER_01: If all you're thinking about is those negative things, then your reality is that those negative things are the full picture, and that's not true.
• 19:21
  SPEAKER_01: So part of the journey back is to helping, you know, with some intention, we can begin to see and validate and recognize good things that are true with us.
• 19:29
  SPEAKER_01: And this is where so many practices come in, whether it's a gratitude practice, one of the uh exercises that I often do with individuals when I first meet them is I ask them to write a list of a hundred wins and successes that they've had in their life.
• 19:41
  SPEAKER_01: Um, normally I get like this deer in the headlights look like, dude, I'm 30, I'm 40, like I haven't had 100 wins and successes.
• 19:47
  SPEAKER_01: To me, that's a litmus test of where their mindset is at the time, because I don't care how many mistakes you've made in the past.
• 19:51
  SPEAKER_01: If you're 10 years old, you've had many more than 100 wins and successes.
• 19:55
  SPEAKER_01: But this is just an intentional way to begin to expand that perspective a little bit, like open up the aperture on that camera lens and begin to see yourself more holistically.
• 20:04
  SPEAKER_01: Value, it's not saying that those negative things don't exist, that those weaknesses aren't real, but it's also recognizing the validity of the strengths that you have and the wins and successes that you've accomplished in your life.
• 20:14
  SPEAKER_01: And this gives you a more fair and more true representation of who you are.
• 20:18
  SPEAKER_01: With this, also comes a greater sense of confidence and greater sense of self-worth and greater sense of deserving of connection.
• 20:24
  SPEAKER_01: So it can help um alleviate some of that need or some of that natural result of masking ourselves and hiding our authenticity.
• 20:32
  SPEAKER_01: Because I believe that without authenticity, we can't truly experience the benefits of connection.
• 20:37
  SPEAKER_01: You might get a variation of it, but if I'm only receiving connection from others as I'm wearing these masks, for one, they're not connecting with me, they're connecting with the mask that I wear.
• 20:45
  SPEAKER_01: And for two, I I might feel a sense of connection, but there's always like this asterisk next to it, like connection, but what if they find out that part of my truth?
• 20:54
  SPEAKER_01: And this is something that is very true and very real for a lot of people in recovery from addiction.
• 20:58
  SPEAKER_01: There's a lot of behaviors, a lot of memories, a lot of things that maybe they're afraid of, or even people that had early childhood trauma.
• 21:03
  SPEAKER_01: There's a lot of things, they're like, I better hold this to myself.
• 21:06
  SPEAKER_01: The cost of that is if you don't, if you can't feel safe expressing your whole self, then the connection that you get is at best watered down.
• 21:14
  SPEAKER_01: At worst, it's it uh it it fuels more of a sense of rejection than connection, and it and it can and have a greater cost.
• 21:21
  SPEAKER_02: Absolutely.
• 21:22
  SPEAKER_02: And and there's so much gold you just dropped in the in that last two to three minutes.
• 21:27
  SPEAKER_02: So imposter syndrome is real, people.
• 21:29
  SPEAKER_02: It real it is, and it's when you're not living in integrity and showing people who you really are, the connections that you're missing are are um out of this world.
• 21:37
  SPEAKER_02: I mean, when you fully love someone and then you feel the love back compared to when you have your masks on, and I'm really glad you brought that up.
• 21:45
  SPEAKER_02: You're absolutely fantastic.
• 21:47
  SPEAKER_02: When you when you're those masks on.
• 21:50
  SPEAKER_01: Sorry, froze for a second.
• 21:51
  SPEAKER_01: Here's something that the listeners can do.
• 21:53
  SPEAKER_01: You know, here's a here's a thought experiment you can do in your own life.
• 21:56
  SPEAKER_01: So I often ask, as I'm talking about connection authenticity, I often ask people to think about and reflect on, name in your mind, who are the most important relationships that you have in your life?
• 22:06
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe it's a sibling, maybe it's a best friend, maybe it's a coworker.
• 22:09
  SPEAKER_01: I say, if you know, if you could only keep three or four connections, like which are the most important connections in your life?
• 22:14
  SPEAKER_01: And once they have those individuals in their mind, or those relationships in their mind, I then ask them, okay, what is it about that relationship that makes it so valuable to you?
• 22:23
  SPEAKER_01: And the number one answer that I hear is that person, they get me.
• 22:27
  SPEAKER_01: They see me, they know all about me, and they still accept me.
• 22:30
  SPEAKER_01: So this is what really proves to me that that authenticity is such a fundamental part of that of that full sense of connection, that we feel the greatest connection when we're connected with those people that fully see and accept us for who we are.
• 22:43
  SPEAKER_02: Absolutely.
• 22:44
  SPEAKER_02: Absolutely.
• 22:44
  SPEAKER_02: I and I think the other uh thing that I I know we we glitched there for a minute, uh referrals.
• 22:50
  SPEAKER_02: So the the other thing I want to go back to just real quick is when when you're in integrity and you're feeling that love, all those, all the other stuff melted away.
• 22:58
  SPEAKER_02: Our mind is still there to protect us.
• 23:00
  SPEAKER_02: Our mind is still saying, you know, hey, is this happening?
• 23:03
  SPEAKER_02: You know, this could be happening.
• 23:04
  SPEAKER_02: They're thinking this, that, blah, blah, blah.
• 23:06
  SPEAKER_02: But when you feel that that true connection and your integrity with yourself, it melts away.
• 23:11
  SPEAKER_02: It truly does.
• 23:12
  SPEAKER_02: So I just I just want to go back and just touch base on what you're thinking before.
• 23:16
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 23:16
  SPEAKER_02: So um, and again, so many gold nuggets that you've been dropping here.
• 23:20
  SPEAKER_02: So I'm just trying to keep up with you, man.
• 23:23
  SPEAKER_02: So absolutely, absolutely love it.
• 23:25
  SPEAKER_02: So I want to touch base on something else because we have about six minutes left.
• 23:29
  SPEAKER_02: Um, so you know, there's a powerful uh story that we hear a lot.
• 23:33
  SPEAKER_02: I used to be someone, and we've touched base on this to some extent, but I want to go just a little bit deeper.
• 23:38
  SPEAKER_02: How do we help veterans rewrite that to I still am someone?
• 23:42
  SPEAKER_02: You know, that belief in themselves, in their new self, and finding that confidence that you touched based on a couple of minutes ago.
• 23:49
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, great question.
• 23:50
  SPEAKER_01: So one of the reasons I I speak and share as much as I do is to help non-veterans better understand some of the journey that veterans experience.
• 23:57
  SPEAKER_01: So one way I describe that is active duty service members, we have really in a in some way a dichotomous ego.
• 24:03
  SPEAKER_01: So there's this one sense of our ego that's lifting us up because we put on that uniform.
• 24:07
  SPEAKER_01: We're told from the first days of basic training or boot camp that now you're becoming a part of something.
• 24:12
  SPEAKER_01: And as an individual that is a part of this organization, you are seen as better, faster, stronger, wiser, more lethal on the battlefield than many of your peers.
• 24:21
  SPEAKER_01: So this is a um uh, you know, the sense of self that is in that is introduced to us and then ingrained in us throughout military service.
• 24:28
  SPEAKER_01: Well, the other part of that ego is also this, you know, it's a hyper-competitive environment.
• 24:32
  SPEAKER_01: We're always looking to for self-improvement.
• 24:34
  SPEAKER_01: We always recognize the people around us that can run faster, getting better scores on their tests, and uh are more competitive in that, you know, in the next promotion or whatever we're trying to do.
• 24:42
  SPEAKER_01: So there's these two voices, one that's kind of lifting us up, and the other one that's kind of keeping us in check, saying, like, yes, you're awesome, but you could be better and you need to strive to be better.
• 24:50
  SPEAKER_01: Well, when you transition out of the military, which of those two voices do you lose?
• 24:54
  SPEAKER_01: The one that comes with the uniform that you wear, or this self-deprecation and the striving to be better or feeling like you're not good enough as you are.
• 25:00
  SPEAKER_01: When you hang up that uniform, you lift the voice that lifts you up.
• 25:03
  SPEAKER_01: So this leads a lot of individuals into that stress state, the and that loss of identity.
• 25:08
  SPEAKER_01: Like, okay, everything that I thought I that I was and that was worthwhile and valuable all came with this uniform that I just hung up for the last time.
• 25:16
  SPEAKER_01: But all of those things, all of those drivers, all of those voices saying, like, hey, you're not good enough, hey, you need to get better, you need to be improved in some way, you still carry that with you as you transition out of the military.
• 25:28
  SPEAKER_01: So, how do we help people come out of that?
• 25:30
  SPEAKER_01: As I just mentioned, one of the very first kind of you know practical exercises is let's expand that perspective.
• 25:35
  SPEAKER_01: Like you've gone through a hardship, a traumatic experience, you're now more prone to be in a fight or flight state.
• 25:41
  SPEAKER_01: This is what leads to the anxiety and some of the other feelings of isolation or disconnection.
• 25:46
  SPEAKER_01: Let's expand that perspective and let you see yourself in the true picture for who you are.
• 25:52
  SPEAKER_01: You're not just the sum of your weaknesses, you're not just the sum of your defects, you're not just the sum of the past mistakes that you've made.
• 25:58
  SPEAKER_01: Though that's what your mind's trying to tell you right now, because you're in this fight or flight state and you only want to see things that are potential threats.
• 26:05
  SPEAKER_01: Well, let's learn some self-regulation.
• 26:06
  SPEAKER_01: Let's do some things to kind of calm our nervous system down, then let's go through some of these cognitive practices by listing out, helping expand that aperture, listing out not only some of the wins and successes that you've had in the past, but some of the strengths that you have.
• 26:20
  SPEAKER_01: Like, yes, we all have weaknesses.
• 26:21
  SPEAKER_01: We all also have inherent strengths.
• 26:23
  SPEAKER_01: These are things that are very true about us.
• 26:25
  SPEAKER_01: Let's uh let's broaden that picture and see it more whole holistically and truthfully and see ourselves for everything that we are, not just the things that we that we dislike about ourselves.
• 26:34
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, absolutely love it.
• 26:36
  SPEAKER_02: Um, it's it's not just military, hum humans, right?
• 26:42
  SPEAKER_02: They they are very hard on themselves, and nowadays we don't celebrate nearly enough.
• 26:46
  SPEAKER_02: You talked about the 100 things to celebrate earlier to write down.
• 26:49
  SPEAKER_02: What about I got up today?
• 26:50
  SPEAKER_02: What about I brushed my teeth today?
• 26:52
  SPEAKER_02: You know, that gratefulness and how celebrating this the wins is super important, yeah.
• 26:59
  SPEAKER_01: And that's a point too.
• 27:00
  SPEAKER_01: So, and a lot of times people are like, you know, whether it's a gratitude list or whether it's listing 100 wins and successes, a lot of people get caught up on like, oh, I've only got five gratitudes I can list today.
• 27:09
  SPEAKER_01: They must be these profound things because God, you know, God forbid I write down that I'm grateful for my new car, and somebody sees the list and they're like, Oh, yeah, what about your kids?
• 27:17
  SPEAKER_01: What about your health?
• 27:18
  SPEAKER_01: What about your faith?
• 27:19
  SPEAKER_01: So that can stop a lot of people.
• 27:21
  SPEAKER_01: My point is like, it doesn't matter what you list that you're grateful for, it helps change that mindset.
• 27:25
  SPEAKER_01: And as far as the list of wins and successes, if something seems so small to be insignificant, like I always tell people right with, I learned how to breathe, I learn how to crawl, I learn how to walk, I learn how to run, learn how to ride a bike.
• 27:35
  SPEAKER_01: It seems silly and insignificant, but the truth is, if you if a mistake of the same magnitude is something that you would allow to occupy your thoughts and your awareness, like if you misspoke in a meeting yesterday or you said something that you shouldn't have said, if you're gonna allow that to occupy your space and time in in your mind, then why not allow a seemingly insignificant and of small magnitude win in success also occupy some space in your mind?
• 27:59
  SPEAKER_02: Absolutely love it.
• 28:00
  SPEAKER_02: Absolutely love it.
• 28:01
  SPEAKER_02: So we're pretty close to being done, unfortunately.
• 28:03
  SPEAKER_02: It went by way too damn fast.
• 28:05
  SPEAKER_02: Um, so Garrett, uh, do me a favor.
• 28:08
  SPEAKER_02: Um, can you tell people how to reach out to you?
• 28:12
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, best place is on LinkedIn.
• 28:14
  SPEAKER_01: That's where I'm most active.
• 28:15
  SPEAKER_01: Also, if anybody wants uh a free guide or some resources, you can go to the warriorreset.com and there's a free download there where you can be introduced to a little bit of the work that I do.
• 28:24
  SPEAKER_01: And also for any mental health professionals or anybody that's interested in the field, I'm doing a free webinar tomorrow.
• 28:30
  SPEAKER_01: It's sponsored by Chess Health.
• 28:31
  SPEAKER_01: I'll drop a link to register for that in the chat too.
• 28:33
  SPEAKER_01: It'll be the similar conversation, but take about an hour or so, and we'll dig into some more stuff.
• 28:37
  SPEAKER_02: Absolutely fantastic.
• 28:39
  SPEAKER_02: And um, with that said, uh, I know you want to talk about this for just a minute.
• 28:44
  SPEAKER_02: And so, guys, Garrett's pushing me a little bit to come out of my own shell to get uncomfortable, to be comfortable.
• 28:49
  SPEAKER_02: So we're we're doing some new stuff here that I'm not used to and super excited.
• 28:52
  SPEAKER_02: I got to learn something new.
• 28:54
  SPEAKER_02: So, you want to talk about the the warrior resets?
• 28:56
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, there you go.
• 28:57
  SPEAKER_01: If you go to the warrior reset.com, everything that you'll need is there.
• 28:59
  SPEAKER_01: It's four daily practices you can do in less than 15 minutes a day that help you reconnect with your mind, body, and spirit and get back to a better place.
• 29:08
  SPEAKER_02: Absolutely love it.
• 29:09
  SPEAKER_02: And with that said, um, three tips to get veterans and their families further faster.
• 29:13
  SPEAKER_02: It can be something you already said, something new, whatever works for you.
• 29:16
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, understand the journey.
• 29:17
  SPEAKER_01: So everybody that's gone in the darkness and found their way back to the light, it's gonna look a little bit different.
• 29:22
  SPEAKER_01: So understand that journey.
• 29:23
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, look at it through the lens of the veteran experience.
• 29:25
  SPEAKER_01: That's the first thing.
• 29:26
  SPEAKER_01: Second is encourage veterans to reconnect with themselves and then to foster healthy connections.
• 29:31
  SPEAKER_01: And lastly, find a find a new sense of meaning or find a regained sense of meaning.
• 29:36
  SPEAKER_01: Um, uh, and maybe on our next episode together, we'll dig into meaning and all the uh implications of that.
• 29:42
  SPEAKER_02: We could we could probably do three shows on that.
• 29:45
  SPEAKER_02: Absolutely fantastic, Garrett.
• 29:47
  SPEAKER_02: Um, really appreciate the time and everything, and all the the golden nuggets you dropped for veterans and their families, of course.
• 29:53
  SPEAKER_02: So, um, you know, with that said, time is the most trusted resource we have as human beings.
• 29:57
  SPEAKER_02: We don't get it back.
• 29:58
  SPEAKER_02: So, Garrett, um, I just want to say Thank you again for spending that time with us to bring this information alight and to share the mission.
• 30:05
  SPEAKER_02: So thank you.
• 30:06
  SPEAKER_02: Appreciate it.
• 30:07
  SPEAKER_02: Thank you so much.
• 30:08
  SPEAKER_02: Absolutely.
• 30:08
  SPEAKER_02: And on that note, everybody, we're out.
• 30:14
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for joining us on another insightful journey of Your Thoughts, Your Reality Podcast with your host, Michael Cole.
• 30:21
  SPEAKER_00: We hope the conversation sparked some thoughts that resonate with you.
• 30:24
  SPEAKER_00: To dive deeper into empowering your thoughts and enhancing your reality, visit Empower Performance Strategies.com.
• 30:32
  SPEAKER_00: Remember, your thoughts shape your reality, so make them count.
• 30:36
  SPEAKER_00: Until next time, stay inspired and keep creating the reality you desire.
• 30:41
  SPEAKER_00: Catch you on the next episode.