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Heal Yourself First - Live from The Om Noire Retreat · Deeply Well with Devi Brown

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Speaker 1: M from grandmothers who whispered in their baby girl in
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Speaker 1: two fathers on dimly lit street corners, instructing young soldiers
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Speaker 1: to always keep their eyes open. You be queen, you
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Speaker 1: will fired, you will pass through centuries on the hands
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Speaker 1: of your daughters. They called you wisdom. Proverbs on the
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Speaker 1: backs of diamond eyed school children who groomed into hymnals
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Speaker 1: recited by amethyst holding urban philosophers who recited neighborhood commandments
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Speaker 1: out of the windows of restored ALCHEMYO chariots to keep
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Speaker 1: the warmth of their blood, be wise, be smart, being black,
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Speaker 1: opal brown parts, bloodstone, and prayer. Be every form of
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Speaker 1: Jim see king told, scribe, scribe, told son, son, told wife,
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Speaker 1: wife told her daughter, and daughter told the ant this
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Speaker 1: is And the ancestors told me that you would come
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Speaker 1: to give you wisdom. Thousands they said you would come
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Speaker 1: Dropping Dropping the Jam. Hey, welcome to episode five of
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Speaker 1: The Dropping Jim's Podcast. As always, I'm your host, Debbie Brown. Now,
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Speaker 1: recently I had the really amazing opportunity to speak at
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Speaker 1: the omened War Retreat in Tucson, Arizona. That little background
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Speaker 1: on omn War. It's a wellness lifestyle brand for women
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Speaker 1: of color that's founded by amazing, amazing woman named Christina Rice, who,
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Speaker 1: besides being a PR and events maven, she's also a
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Speaker 1: certified yoga instructor and like me, is wildly passionate about
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Speaker 1: sharing tools for healing and self discovery through content and experiences.
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Speaker 1: So for four days I stayed at the Mirror Val
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Speaker 1: Resort in Tucson, Arizona. Now I've been to Arizona quite
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Speaker 1: a bit. I love Sedona, I've been to Phoenix, but
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Speaker 1: I've never been to Tucson yet. And Mirror Val Resort
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Speaker 1: has a huge reputation for just really being about all
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Speaker 1: things mindfulness while also being very five stars. So it's
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Speaker 1: this cool kind of rustic experience. Lots of amazing spa
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Speaker 1: treatments that were geared towards energy healing, a lot of
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Speaker 1: outdoor activities. We weren't even allowed to have our cell
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Speaker 1: phones out, which was hard at first but then felt amazing,
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Speaker 1: and we shared roughly space with roughly seventy five women
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Speaker 1: from all over the world and other speakers at the
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Speaker 1: event included dynamic ladies like Brandy Harvey, Allison Bird, Zara Barnes,
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Speaker 1: Danielle Cadet, Dmitria Lucas, Dr Kiera king Laschelle Wooten, Brandy Victorian,
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Speaker 1: Angela Benton, and Sadara Furlow. This Any Retreat is actually
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Speaker 1: featured right now too, and I believe it's either the
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Speaker 1: May or June issue of Essence magazine. It's the really
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Speaker 1: beautiful one that's purple with Alicia Keys on the cover,
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Speaker 1: So make sure you check that out, and also check
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Speaker 1: out their instagram, which is Own New War that's O
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Speaker 1: M N O I R E. And I put a
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Speaker 1: ton of links and pictures from my perspective video to
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Speaker 1: on my blog that's on my website. So check out
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Speaker 1: my whole experience at the Own New World Retreat on
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Speaker 1: Debbie Brown dot com. So for my part of the event,
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Speaker 1: I let a sunrise meditation in this beautiful outdoor labyrinth,
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Speaker 1: and I also did a Q and A session with
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Speaker 1: the amazing and witty Danielle Cadet, who is the editor
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Speaker 1: of Refinery twenty nine Unbothered. She is a bar too.
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Speaker 1: She's a really really dope chick, brilliant, really fun and
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Speaker 1: had beautiful insight about things that we all really really
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Speaker 1: want to know when it comes to taking care of yourself.
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Speaker 1: So we delved into what does self care really look
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Speaker 1: like in the real day to day lives that we have, Specifically,
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Speaker 1: what are tools that are needed outside of the very
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Speaker 1: overused go to of positive thinking. I did air quotes
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Speaker 1: there to enhance the quality of your day to day
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Speaker 1: life and lead you to a better relationship with yourself.
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Speaker 1: Y'all know I live for conversations like that. Also, for
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Speaker 1: the first time, shared a little bit about recent loss
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Speaker 1: of faith that I experienced when I found out that
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Speaker 1: my friend Nipsey Hustle was murdered um and what I've
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Speaker 1: just been kind of doing to navigate that grief and
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Speaker 1: find light. So between the talk she and I shared
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Speaker 1: and the questions from the audience, it was a really
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Speaker 1: special and insightful conversation. So instead of just letting it
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Speaker 1: live in the moment in Arizona, I decided, with permission
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Speaker 1: from Own New War, that I wanted to share it
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Speaker 1: with you here as well on the podcast. So this
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Speaker 1: episode is the very special conversation between Danielle Cadet and
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Speaker 1: myself at the Own New War retreat. I hope you
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Speaker 1: like it. Please share thoughts with me on social media
4:41
Speaker 1: whether you did or did it By tagging me at
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Speaker 1: Debbie Brown. That's d E v I Brown. So here
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Speaker 1: we go, much love, good morning, where everybody is looking
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Speaker 1: that meditation was I'm so sad because I missed meditation
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Speaker 1: this morning, And I'm sad, but did everyone looks bright
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Speaker 1: eyed and bushy tails, So I know Debbie got you
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Speaker 1: all together this morning. I hope everybody has some probiotic
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Speaker 1: juice because it's delicious, clearly a drink online. U. I'm
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Speaker 1: so excited to chat with you, Debbie. And I know
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Speaker 1: we spoke a little bit on the phone, and honestly
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Speaker 1: I could have been on the phone with you all day,
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Speaker 1: so I don't feel like we really got into it.
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Speaker 1: So I'm really excited to just chat real self care,
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Speaker 1: um and to really get real about wellness right. And
5:28
Speaker 1: you know, when we were talking, we talked about how
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Speaker 1: white the wellness spaces and how self care can oftentimes
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Speaker 1: just the idea of self care. Sometimes does it seem
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Speaker 1: like as as women of color, as black women, it
5:41
Speaker 1: doesn't feel like we can relate to that. It doesn't
5:44
Speaker 1: feel like there's a space for us there um. And
5:46
Speaker 1: so I want to jump in with you and just
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Speaker 1: talk about wellness specifically for women of color and how
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Speaker 1: stress affects us differently and therefore we have to exercise
5:55
Speaker 1: wellness differently. Yeah, can you guys hear me? Okay, okay, uh,
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Speaker 1: you know it's so interesting and anybody else that is
6:03
Speaker 1: done like maybe some of this experiential spiritual journey. I'm
6:07
Speaker 1: sure you recognize that when you are typically somewhere, you
6:10
Speaker 1: are the only personal color, and you are more than
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Speaker 1: likely the youngest. Like it's really a space of like
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Speaker 1: older white people like in the sunset of their life,
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Speaker 1: or you know, really just white women. Like it's become
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Speaker 1: very very on trend. You know, positive hashtag positivity, hashtag
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Speaker 1: blessed are too deleting hashtags on social media right, like
6:32
Speaker 1: up to a billion chimbined of people putting that on
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Speaker 1: literally everything, you know, so in positivity and being blessed
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Speaker 1: and being grateful, like they're all so completely unique to
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Speaker 1: you in your worldview. So you'll see those hashtags on
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Speaker 1: a Bible verse or on a car, right, like you'll
6:50
Speaker 1: see like you just pours on what your value system. Um.
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Speaker 1: So kind of just a little backstory, like when I
6:58
Speaker 1: was like working in media, like I shared earlier meditation,
7:01
Speaker 1: I had a burnout and I felt like I was
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Speaker 1: tired of talking about things that ultimately didn't matter, Like
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Speaker 1: did I want my legacy to be that I was
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Speaker 1: commenting on who had hip hop beef with who? And
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Speaker 1: who was breaking up with who? You know? Um, and
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Speaker 1: I started to feel like I was doing a disservice
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Speaker 1: to my listeners and a disservice to the world by
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Speaker 1: even talking about those things in an enthusiastic way like
7:26
Speaker 1: they mattered, you know. Um. And as I kind of
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Speaker 1: like journey deeper into myself and working through my trauma
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Speaker 1: and wanting to just deepen my relationship with me, I
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Speaker 1: just deeply, deeply and desperately wanted that so badly for
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Speaker 1: everyone I encountered. You know, I'm a I'm a huge believer,
7:43
Speaker 1: and if you've listened to my podcast, I probably said
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Speaker 1: this on every episode. But I'm a huge believer that
7:48
Speaker 1: healing trauma and seeking wholeness is the only only way
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Speaker 1: for real generational change, for us to really see our
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Speaker 1: futures change and the trajectory of our family has change.
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Speaker 1: The only way to really really do that in a
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Speaker 1: significant way is to work on healing yourself to choose
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Speaker 1: you first, because when you heal yourself, you have the
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Speaker 1: opportunity to extend that light to anyone that you touch
8:13
Speaker 1: or come across. And obviously you know better access to
8:18
Speaker 1: education and academics, financial literacy, having the ability to earn more,
8:22
Speaker 1: all of those things are wildly important as well and
8:26
Speaker 1: play a part. But you can have money and be
8:28
Speaker 1: a shitty person, right, Like you can have money and
8:31
Speaker 1: still harm your family is a well. Um, so it's
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Speaker 1: just it's just really important that we recognize, like when
8:39
Speaker 1: we talk about self care, when we talk about positivity,
8:43
Speaker 1: when we talk about purpose, we're really understanding, like let's
8:47
Speaker 1: make sure that we're not trying to do it from
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Speaker 1: a comparative place like, oh you're good, Well, I want
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Speaker 1: to be good too, you know, like, oh, you're living
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Speaker 1: your best life. I'm living my best life. You know.
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Speaker 1: We really want to always stay centered in the idea
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Speaker 1: that we have to choose ourselves first. And that is
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Speaker 1: so counterintuitive to anything that we were ever taught as women.
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Speaker 1: The second we are old enough to hold something, as
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Speaker 1: babies were given a baby to play with, Like how
9:12
Speaker 1: insane is that when you really think about it, Why
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Speaker 1: as a baby am I playing with a baby and
9:18
Speaker 1: learning how to nurture as a child, and you know
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Speaker 1: it does obviously it is very serving. I mean, women
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Speaker 1: are such magnificent, magnificent creatures. Like we have discernment in
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Speaker 1: a way that it is not possible for men. We
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Speaker 1: have nurturing and care. We have depth in our relationships
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Speaker 1: that is not typically seen and the relationships men have
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Speaker 1: with one another. So I do understand a certain level
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Speaker 1: of kind of our programming for nurturing. It also is
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Speaker 1: our superpower. But it also gives us this pressure and
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Speaker 1: this expectation that everything in our world comes before us,
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Speaker 1: you know, and so real self care. But we want
9:56
Speaker 1: to dig into it, like yes, like the baths are great,
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Speaker 1: the trip so great, like all of the all of
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Speaker 1: the little touches you can do that provide care for
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Speaker 1: yourself are incredible. But we have to stay grounded and
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Speaker 1: centered in the root of I am choosing me because
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Speaker 1: I deserve to be whole, I deserve to have peace,
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Speaker 1: and when I have those things, me just being who
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Speaker 1: I am effortlessly will extend that to other people as well.
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Speaker 1: I love that so much. Oh my gosh, yeah, we're
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Speaker 1: in for it today. I want to touch on Gooden.
10:29
Speaker 1: I know, I know, I don't like already like so
10:32
Speaker 1: much to talk about. I want to touch on something
10:34
Speaker 1: you just said, burnout. There's a couple of things, um,
10:36
Speaker 1: just what you just said. But the first thing I
10:38
Speaker 1: really want to start with is what you do when
10:41
Speaker 1: you feel burnt out. I've definitely felt burnt out. And
10:43
Speaker 1: you know, working in the news can be really difficult. Um,
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Speaker 1: But just in any industry in general, especially as women,
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Speaker 1: as women of color, we tend to give so much
10:54
Speaker 1: of ourselves. Talk to me about your journey and about
10:58
Speaker 1: you know, feeling burnt out, but then having the energy
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Speaker 1: and the courage to make a transition and to make
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Speaker 1: a change and to prioritize yourself. Yeah. Um, part of
11:09
Speaker 1: it was a natural blessing, and that I was raised
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Speaker 1: as an only child to a single parent. By nature
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Speaker 1: of that, you spend so much time in your own head,
11:18
Speaker 1: you know, you spend so I had a very isolated
11:22
Speaker 1: childhood and that you know, I was a latchkey kid,
11:24
Speaker 1: so I had to come home by myself sometimes, right,
11:27
Speaker 1: And then you can't go out and play because you
11:28
Speaker 1: don't want people to know that your home alone. Um.
11:31
Speaker 1: And just you know, my natural kind of um wiring
11:35
Speaker 1: is just as extroverted as I am. It's to go
11:38
Speaker 1: inside more often than not and to really like analyze
11:41
Speaker 1: myself and think about my feelings. And I'm one of
11:44
Speaker 1: those people very email right, um by nature of that,
11:48
Speaker 1: that was always kind of like my first response to
11:51
Speaker 1: anything is to go inside. But then life teaches you different.
11:55
Speaker 1: You know, you forget things that you inherently knew, You
11:57
Speaker 1: forget the way you're hard wired, and you get it
12:00
Speaker 1: sometimes very obsessed with other definables of yourself. And a
12:04
Speaker 1: big shift for me was just you know, and Allison
12:07
Speaker 1: talked about this last night, calling it like the nudge.
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Speaker 1: For me, it was like the gnawing in the pit
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Speaker 1: of my stomach, like it literally felt like something was
12:14
Speaker 1: right here that said, what else? What else? You know? Okay,
12:20
Speaker 1: I got the career, I make really good money, I
12:22
Speaker 1: got the car. You know, some people know who I am.
12:24
Speaker 1: I'm doing good for my all before the age of this,
12:27
Speaker 1: you know, And then you get all of that which
12:30
Speaker 1: society told you your whole life, that's the point of
12:32
Speaker 1: being here, right, And you're like, but what else? This
12:35
Speaker 1: is it just so? I mean, you could buy a
12:38
Speaker 1: new car after a couple of months, it's still gonna
12:40
Speaker 1: be a car, you know, like it wears Like anything
12:43
Speaker 1: that is like not inherent to who you are, it's
12:46
Speaker 1: gonna wear off, you know. And I started really taking
12:49
Speaker 1: a hard look at myself and realizing that working in entertainment,
12:54
Speaker 1: having to be on all the time, it was also
12:58
Speaker 1: you know, fun became the distraction of my life, you know, working,
13:03
Speaker 1: being a boss, being successful, like it all really became
13:08
Speaker 1: a distraction for me. Meeting me Wow, when your time
13:13
Speaker 1: is filled, right, when you're constantly looking for things to do,
13:16
Speaker 1: when you're constantly out, or if you were like me
13:19
Speaker 1: as well, if you're a fixer, who's the fixer in
13:22
Speaker 1: their lives? Right? Always solving everybody's problem, Always has a
13:27
Speaker 1: bit of advice to give somebody, Always this, always that,
13:30
Speaker 1: And we feel great in that because that's also one
13:33
Speaker 1: of our gifts. Um. But we do two things when
13:36
Speaker 1: we do that. We deny ourselves the ability to focus
13:39
Speaker 1: on us because we're so righteously taking care of other people.
13:43
Speaker 1: And then we also rob other people of their ability
13:46
Speaker 1: to learn resilience and their ability to connect with their
13:50
Speaker 1: sacred higher power and figure out what their journey is.
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Speaker 1: We're all here with our own curriculum. We're all here
13:55
Speaker 1: with our lessons to learn, and we rob other people
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Speaker 1: of their right to connect with God when we are
14:01
Speaker 1: trying to do everything for them or take on their brokenness.
14:05
Speaker 1: You know, Um, sometimes we have and I might be
14:09
Speaker 1: going way. Of course You're sorry, keep going, keep going,
14:16
Speaker 1: But you know that was like a big for me.
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Speaker 1: That was one of the biggest things in self care
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Speaker 1: was I do not have to take on everyone's load.
14:24
Speaker 1: And it doesn't mean that I don't send them love,
14:27
Speaker 1: it doesn't mean that I don't deeply want their healing.
14:30
Speaker 1: I just also recognize that I am depriving myself when
14:34
Speaker 1: I do that, and I'm depriving them. So just slowly,
14:37
Speaker 1: just in small ways, I started giving myself that time back,
14:41
Speaker 1: reclaiming my time right. I started giving that shout out. Yes,
14:47
Speaker 1: I started, you know, um, just respectfully disengaging, you know,
14:53
Speaker 1: like being detached from this like response to always fix people,
15:00
Speaker 1: to always give them advice and sometimes just listen and
15:03
Speaker 1: wish them well and then use that energy for myself. Um.
15:07
Speaker 1: And I have no idea what the original questions, and
15:10
Speaker 1: I hope that somewhat kind of you did. We were
15:14
Speaker 1: talking about burnout and how you claim not. So I
15:18
Speaker 1: was burned out from career, and then I was burned
15:20
Speaker 1: out from being everybody's everything right, you know, And I
15:24
Speaker 1: was like, well, this is not sustainable, especially not if
15:27
Speaker 1: I want to have the life I've always dreamed of.
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Speaker 1: This is not This isn't going to get me there,
15:32
Speaker 1: you know. Um, So just kinda And I said this
15:34
Speaker 1: earlier meditation. It's that idea of just relinquishing control, just
15:39
Speaker 1: surrendering even when you don't know how, you don't know
15:42
Speaker 1: what to do, you know. And one of my most
15:44
Speaker 1: broken moments in life, about five years ago, I was
15:46
Speaker 1: in a significantly deep, deep, deep depression that I was
15:52
Speaker 1: trying to claw my way out of. And you know,
15:55
Speaker 1: every anybody that's living has experienced depression at some point
15:58
Speaker 1: in their life, So it's not a feeling I had
16:00
Speaker 1: never had before. At different moments in your life, you
16:02
Speaker 1: have depression. It can last for an afternoon, it can
16:05
Speaker 1: last for a year for some people much more, you know.
16:08
Speaker 1: Um But this particular one was a mixture of a
16:12
Speaker 1: depression from circumstances I couldn't control, and then also a
16:16
Speaker 1: depression because I knew I wasn't being the best version
16:20
Speaker 1: of me. For me, I knew that I needed to
16:24
Speaker 1: have more in my life. I knew that I needed
16:27
Speaker 1: to stretch to grow. So in that moment, instead of
16:31
Speaker 1: focusing or being down on myself for being down, I
16:34
Speaker 1: just said, I surrender. I surrender. And it started out
16:40
Speaker 1: as a scream with like tears right like falling to
16:44
Speaker 1: my knees and yelling at God. And it started out
16:47
Speaker 1: being angry at him, you know, and just like, what
16:50
Speaker 1: do you want? What do you want for me? What?
16:54
Speaker 1: I'm a good person. I don't do bad stuff. I
16:57
Speaker 1: treat people well, What the hell do you want from me?
17:02
Speaker 1: You know? And then I started like releasing that energy.
17:05
Speaker 1: And God's not gonna get mad at me because he
17:07
Speaker 1: made me, so he knows I'm gonna get angry. And
17:11
Speaker 1: then I started, you know, opening that up into I
17:14
Speaker 1: give it away, I give it to you. I surrender,
17:17
Speaker 1: and I started screaming, I surrender, and then it came
17:19
Speaker 1: into the most resounding piece I've ever felt, and I
17:23
Speaker 1: just said, m hmm, I surrender. That is powerful. And
17:31
Speaker 1: from that moment on, I feel that very synchronistically, all
17:35
Speaker 1: the tools I needed started coming to me really effortlessly.
17:39
Speaker 1: I didn't have to search online. I didn't have to
17:41
Speaker 1: do all of this research and study. You know, Um,
17:47
Speaker 1: it all just started. I started paying attention to the
17:49
Speaker 1: queues and it all just started coming my way, and
17:51
Speaker 1: I just started saying, Okay, Okay, I'm gonna try that. Okay,
17:54
Speaker 1: I'm gonna read that. Okay, I'm gonna do that. Okay,
17:56
Speaker 1: I'm gonna open myself to this conversation happening right now.
18:00
Speaker 1: Um yeah, So all of that is self care too.
18:03
Speaker 1: But all of that, for me is what was really
18:06
Speaker 1: the catalyst for my journey. And and just to me,
18:10
Speaker 1: the best self care tool a person could ever have
18:13
Speaker 1: is self inquiry. The best free thing you can ever
18:17
Speaker 1: ever do for yourself is to just ask yourself questions
18:21
Speaker 1: about how you feel. M that easy and then keep asking.
18:27
Speaker 1: You know, your first response, you know, I'm angry. Why
18:30
Speaker 1: are you angry because so and so did this? Is
18:33
Speaker 1: that true? Well yeah they did that, Well, but is
18:37
Speaker 1: that why you're angry? Well? Kind of what else you know?
18:43
Speaker 1: And then you kind of end up going down this
18:44
Speaker 1: rabbit hole where you're you know, just pulling the yarn.
18:49
Speaker 1: You're pulling the string and it's slowly unraveling. And then
18:52
Speaker 1: before you know it. You know, you remember something a
18:57
Speaker 1: lie you told yourself when you were too because you
18:59
Speaker 1: didn't know how to process life or experience at that time,
19:02
Speaker 1: and you kept building upon that untrue thing, and then
19:05
Speaker 1: you know, before you knew it, you were this grown
19:07
Speaker 1: woman that had this secret feeling of not being worthy
19:10
Speaker 1: or not being lovable. And it's all a lie, you know.
19:13
Speaker 1: But you don't get to get to that truth until
19:16
Speaker 1: you start getting real with yourself and asking yourself questions. Gems,
19:22
Speaker 1: gems being dropped. I want to talk about something that
19:26
Speaker 1: we talked about on the phone that you know, really
19:28
Speaker 1: stuck with me. Um. You know, like you said to
19:31
Speaker 1: your point about being a fixer, how much black women
19:34
Speaker 1: take on? And you know, you said, black women are
19:38
Speaker 1: the mules of the world, Like we do everybody's work,
19:43
Speaker 1: We fix things for everyone. We are constantly putting everybody
19:47
Speaker 1: before ourselves. And you know when you touched on it
19:50
Speaker 1: a little bit with this idea of fixing, but just
19:52
Speaker 1: this idea of taking on people's work and doing work
19:56
Speaker 1: for others, how does that affect you know, women of
20:02
Speaker 1: color specifically, and how much we take on and how
20:05
Speaker 1: we find ourselves at these places where we eventually have
20:08
Speaker 1: to surrender. Yeah. Oh, it's so madening, isn't it. Like
20:13
Speaker 1: the thought like black women are the most oppressed people
20:16
Speaker 1: in the world, Like when you really think of it,
20:18
Speaker 1: bar for bar. You know, it's so interesting because when
20:21
Speaker 1: Christina was talking previously about feeling that heart pain, right
20:25
Speaker 1: and not taking care of herself. I think that so
20:27
Speaker 1: many of us, like we have aches, we have pains,
20:29
Speaker 1: and we don't get them looked at. You know, I've
20:31
Speaker 1: been needing to go get something looked at for two years, right.
20:35
Speaker 1: But on the flip side of that, like we have
20:37
Speaker 1: such a because of all the generational trauma, because of
20:41
Speaker 1: the current way the world works, because of the way
20:44
Speaker 1: women in general are treated, we all have um such
20:50
Speaker 1: a high threshold for pain, such a high threshold for
20:54
Speaker 1: emotional pain and physical pain that goes on dealt with.
20:58
Speaker 1: But then on the flip side of that, you have
21:00
Speaker 1: these studies coming out, right, and people coming out with
21:03
Speaker 1: the stats that black women die the most in hospitals
21:06
Speaker 1: because doctors don't believe their pain. Like, like, imagine that
21:12
Speaker 1: for a second. We speak our pain the least until
21:16
Speaker 1: it becomes literally unbearable, and then when it's unbearable, it's
21:21
Speaker 1: not believed. Right, Like, our existence as black women is
21:25
Speaker 1: one of being gaslet constantly, oh my gosh, constantly in
21:30
Speaker 1: relationships with our partners, right in family interactions, in the workspace,
21:37
Speaker 1: walking outside. You know, like you're constantly being gas lit
21:42
Speaker 1: to the point where you really don't know in my
21:44
Speaker 1: in pain or not or right you start right, you
21:49
Speaker 1: start second everything, it don't hurt, you know. Um. So
21:55
Speaker 1: in something we talked on the phone, and I just
21:57
Speaker 1: have to say, like, I loved our first meeting on
21:59
Speaker 1: the phone so much because you just had so many
22:03
Speaker 1: incredible thoughts and you said them in a way that
22:05
Speaker 1: I was like, I had been thinking that but didn't
22:08
Speaker 1: realize I had been thinking that, And it was like,
22:10
Speaker 1: you know, like yeah, yeah, yeah, um but you know,
22:13
Speaker 1: kind of what we talked about on the phone. And
22:15
Speaker 1: I'm still wrapping my head around this. But as Black
22:18
Speaker 1: women in wellness and as black women on spiritual journeys,
22:22
Speaker 1: our work is always going to be different. It's not
22:26
Speaker 1: going to line up with the very on trend surface
22:31
Speaker 1: positivity that is in the world right now, that is
22:34
Speaker 1: on Instagram right now. It can't and it sucks, But
22:37
Speaker 1: we just have more work to do. We have more trauma,
22:41
Speaker 1: and we have to be not not in a pitiful
22:45
Speaker 1: kind of way. We just have to be cognizant of it,
22:47
Speaker 1: you know, because it's also easy in this new purpose
22:50
Speaker 1: positivity culture to feel less than because I don't know
22:55
Speaker 1: my purpose or oh no, I had a bad thought,
22:58
Speaker 1: so I'm not really positive like you're now. Now you're
23:01
Speaker 1: comparing yourself in a space that's supposed to be about right.
23:06
Speaker 1: Spiritual space is a very can be a very damaging
23:10
Speaker 1: and very comparative space because it requires so much vulnerability
23:14
Speaker 1: and transparency. Um, So we have to just be very
23:20
Speaker 1: intentional about our healing in a way that maybe not
23:23
Speaker 1: everyone has to be, which is unfortunate that we have
23:26
Speaker 1: yet another thing to put on our shoulders, but that
23:29
Speaker 1: is how we're going to have the biggest breakthroughs. So
23:31
Speaker 1: sometimes we have to say to ourselves, we we just
23:34
Speaker 1: have to be more deliberate with what our planet action
23:37
Speaker 1: is going to be right, and also understand that it
23:40
Speaker 1: is in the great words of the incredible Nipsey Hustle,
23:43
Speaker 1: you know, it's a marathon. It's a marathon. We're in
23:46
Speaker 1: it for the long run. Finding your purpose is very
23:50
Speaker 1: literally the purpose of life, why we're here at all.
23:54
Speaker 1: So if you didn't get it this year or by
23:57
Speaker 1: thirty or by forty, well good it because you're alive,
24:01
Speaker 1: like you still have never time, thank god, you know. Absolutely,
24:06
Speaker 1: And it really drives me a little bit crazy when
24:09
Speaker 1: people are always like, yeah, gir, I'll just find your purpose.
24:15
Speaker 1: Well done what I'm here to do? Yes, So just
24:20
Speaker 1: be really deliberate with our healing. So you know, we
24:23
Speaker 1: might initially get a lurt in with the great positive
24:27
Speaker 1: quote or you know, doing the yoga or doing meditation
24:31
Speaker 1: um or doing some type of spiritual exercise, and then
24:34
Speaker 1: it's like, okay, but now you gotta go a little
24:36
Speaker 1: deeper because we don't just have ourselves to heal. We
24:39
Speaker 1: have our ancestors and our to heal, and we have
24:42
Speaker 1: our future generations to heal. And that was a big
24:45
Speaker 1: thing for me. How do I not pass on all
24:47
Speaker 1: the things that hurt me? How do I not give
24:49
Speaker 1: that to my Yes? Absolutely, generational trauma is real. Absolutely,
24:54
Speaker 1: And I love what you're saying about, just like wellness
24:56
Speaker 1: looks different for us, and I don't know that that
25:00
Speaker 1: message is often communicated, right, you know, And I love
25:04
Speaker 1: you're touching on this so much. I'd love to dig
25:05
Speaker 1: into it more. Social media, you know, can really bog
25:11
Speaker 1: down a space and the wellness basic especially um you
25:16
Speaker 1: know the fact that there are billions of hashtag blessed,
25:19
Speaker 1: hashtag positivity or whatever it is. There's a lot of buzzwords, right,
25:23
Speaker 1: There's a lot of sexy terms, cute pictures, beautiful quote
25:27
Speaker 1: y'all know, y'all see them. You get on and it's like, oh,
25:29
Speaker 1: double tap, this is I should be feeling this way.
25:33
Speaker 1: But as black women, as women of color, we're dealing
25:37
Speaker 1: with different things. Wellness looks differently for us, differently for us,
25:42
Speaker 1: and I think social media can really um can can
25:49
Speaker 1: skew that, and and can skew what we see in
25:52
Speaker 1: other people. We can see we can become about comparison
25:54
Speaker 1: rather than about being inquisitive, like you said about yourself.
25:59
Speaker 1: How do you combat that? How do you combat constantly
26:04
Speaker 1: being bombarded with everybody's highlight reel? Social media is everyone's
26:09
Speaker 1: highlight real. So what do you do when you're constantly
26:12
Speaker 1: bombarded with everyone's highlight reel and you're working through your
26:18
Speaker 1: own stuff, but you're existing in this world where social
26:21
Speaker 1: media is important. I can't sit here and pretend like
26:23
Speaker 1: it isn't. How how do you find a balance? Um?
26:29
Speaker 1: So me personally, I'm in a place right now in
26:31
Speaker 1: my life where nothing anybody else is doing shakes me
26:36
Speaker 1: or makes me question myself or makes me not feel good,
26:39
Speaker 1: because I just also have the understanding that what's for
26:42
Speaker 1: me is for me as long as I'm giving life
26:44
Speaker 1: my best effort. So then I check in with myself.
26:47
Speaker 1: Am I giving life my best effort and the answer
26:50
Speaker 1: is yes, I'm not going to feel comparative If the
26:53
Speaker 1: answer is no. I need to look at me. I
26:57
Speaker 1: need to look at what am I not nourishing in me?
27:00
Speaker 1: What am I not recognizing me? What am I not
27:02
Speaker 1: trying hard enough that? Where am I not working enough?
27:06
Speaker 1: You know? Because I think any anything that we feel
27:09
Speaker 1: about another person, good or bad, is always a projection
27:13
Speaker 1: of how we feel about ourselves and how we see
27:15
Speaker 1: the world. Always. Always anybody here that looks at me
27:20
Speaker 1: and thinks, wow, she looks like a great person because
27:22
Speaker 1: you're a great person. It's because the light in me
27:24
Speaker 1: reminds you of the light you have in yourself. That's it,
27:27
Speaker 1: you know, if you're looking at me and thinking, you know,
27:30
Speaker 1: oh she looks like X, Y, and Z. That's also
27:34
Speaker 1: how you see the world from a negative standpoint, and
27:36
Speaker 1: maybe you feel judged, so you feel the need to
27:39
Speaker 1: put forth the judgment. All of it is okay because
27:42
Speaker 1: none of it has anything to do with me. So
27:44
Speaker 1: I'm not going to take it on. If you like
27:46
Speaker 1: me awesome, if you don't awesome, I like me, you know.
27:51
Speaker 1: So that's kind of how I feel about, you know,
27:53
Speaker 1: the conversations around being comparative. Everyone's heard of this quote.
27:56
Speaker 1: Comparison is the thief of joy. I don't want to
28:00
Speaker 1: for anymore in my life than I have to a
28:03
Speaker 1: lot of things are going to be thrown my way
28:05
Speaker 1: that I do not ask for that are going to
28:08
Speaker 1: be very challenging. Do I want to also give myself
28:11
Speaker 1: daily doses at that I don't want to suffer? And
28:14
Speaker 1: so you know, when I kind of look at you know,
28:17
Speaker 1: if I do feel a tension, that right, I go
28:20
Speaker 1: through the process. I just explained um, and I say, well,
28:23
Speaker 1: am I giving life my best? I'm always going to
28:27
Speaker 1: find a way to stop feeling that way through asking
28:30
Speaker 1: that question. But then also it's like, you know, that
28:35
Speaker 1: is for that person, and that's okay because I am
28:39
Speaker 1: who I am, and I'm going to get lead where
28:41
Speaker 1: I'm supposed to be. We don't have to be angry
28:44
Speaker 1: at people for having things or getting things or looking
28:47
Speaker 1: like they have it all together. Stop comparing in general,
28:50
Speaker 1: whether that person is doing well in life or whether
28:52
Speaker 1: they're doing bad in life. How you feel about yourself.
28:56
Speaker 1: Shouldn't it be swayed either way based on that. We
28:58
Speaker 1: shouldn't get a little pet when we see that someone
29:01
Speaker 1: else has been chicked or doesn't have it as together
29:04
Speaker 1: as they made it. See, why would that make you
29:06
Speaker 1: feel good? And in the same way, if somebody is
29:11
Speaker 1: living their best life, why should that make me feel upset?
29:15
Speaker 1: I think the real thing is to just let's not
29:17
Speaker 1: compare at all, and let's always just seek with it.
29:21
Speaker 1: Let's always just take that moment to take a breath.
29:23
Speaker 1: We're human. We're gonna feel it. We're gonna feel jealousy.
29:26
Speaker 1: It's a natural trait, you know. But when we do,
29:30
Speaker 1: don't let it stay there. Take a breath and try
29:33
Speaker 1: to work through the thought. You know, if you have
29:35
Speaker 1: a negative thought, really spent some time to try to
29:37
Speaker 1: work through that so you don't carry it and you
29:39
Speaker 1: help change your perspective, and then it becomes effortless. I
29:43
Speaker 1: want to talk about grief and trauma. And we talked
29:49
Speaker 1: about this a bit on the phone, and and as
29:52
Speaker 1: you've said today, is we we carry so much trauma.
29:56
Speaker 1: We carry generational trauma, we carry our ancestors energy, um,
30:01
Speaker 1: and we deal with grief differently. And we talked a
30:04
Speaker 1: bit about your friendship with the Great Nipsey Hustle and
30:09
Speaker 1: how his death. I'm sorry now I'm not I'm gonna girl,
30:13
Speaker 1: I do his death affected us so differently. It just
30:17
Speaker 1: hit everybody. People who did not know him said, it
30:21
Speaker 1: hits so differently. As a friend of his, why do
30:27
Speaker 1: you think that is take your time for no, no,
30:36
Speaker 1: please take your time. So really new at be for Nipsey,
30:53
Speaker 1: at least speaking for myself. What was really difficult? Does
30:57
Speaker 1: he see someone who is being the best version of themselves, right,
31:03
Speaker 1: like giving of themselves, learning, growing, like positively impacting people's lives.
31:15
Speaker 1: And I think for Nipsey it was the cruelty of
31:19
Speaker 1: the way that he passed that makes it difficult, you know, Um.
31:23
Speaker 1: I think also were the exact same age. You know,
31:26
Speaker 1: we met when we were in our early twenties and
31:28
Speaker 1: maintained a friendship throughout the years, and so it also
31:31
Speaker 1: calls into question your own mortality, right, like your own
31:34
Speaker 1: understanding of this life cycle. But violent deaths are very difficult. Um,
31:41
Speaker 1: They're really as deep of a faith as you may have.
31:45
Speaker 1: It's really difficult to wrap your mind around someone else
31:50
Speaker 1: having the power to take a life and being sanctioned
31:54
Speaker 1: by God, you know. Um, he was such a good man,
32:00
Speaker 1: such an inspiring person, and the thought of him the
32:04
Speaker 1: world being robbed of him at the hands of someone
32:07
Speaker 1: who had hate for him, it's just really hard to grasp,
32:12
Speaker 1: you know. And I think that that's what really hit
32:14
Speaker 1: a lot of people, like you know, you see, you
32:18
Speaker 1: just see somebody given life their best, you know, which
32:21
Speaker 1: is and and we have come to think that when
32:24
Speaker 1: we do that will be absolved of having challenges and
32:28
Speaker 1: will be absolved of having issues. And so when something
32:31
Speaker 1: like that happens, it really questions, you know. And maybe
32:35
Speaker 1: and I can be completely speaking for myself right now,
32:37
Speaker 1: but you know, for the past couple of weeks, I
32:40
Speaker 1: have had a real, real reckoning with my faith and
32:45
Speaker 1: what I believe in my belief system and how I
32:48
Speaker 1: believe it right, um, and that's part of like my process.
32:52
Speaker 1: Like when I was a young person and I heard
32:54
Speaker 1: the Golden the golden rule, you know, do onto others
32:56
Speaker 1: as you'd have done onto you, I thought it was
32:58
Speaker 1: the most beautiful thing I've ever heard, where I was like, ah,
33:00
Speaker 1: of course that's how to live, right, But you're not
33:04
Speaker 1: guaranteed reciprocity in that right. It's just saying do that,
33:09
Speaker 1: but it's not saying do that that it will be
33:12
Speaker 1: done onto you, you know. And that was kind of
33:16
Speaker 1: heartbreaking when I first realized that, because I kind of
33:20
Speaker 1: thought that there was like some semblance of sadness and life,
33:24
Speaker 1: you know. Um, so a big challenge in our journey.
33:28
Speaker 1: And some of this is like I mean, you know,
33:31
Speaker 1: this is like Dalai Lama stature understanding. So I'm just
33:35
Speaker 1: gonna say it and know that I'm grappling with it myself.
33:38
Speaker 1: The real thing to deepen our spiritual understanding is to
33:41
Speaker 1: understand that there is no good or bad and be
33:44
Speaker 1: in full acceptance of every single thing that comes our way,
33:50
Speaker 1: which does not mean to be in agreement with it
33:54
Speaker 1: or to like it. That's preference based, but we have
33:57
Speaker 1: to accept every thing and find a way to self
34:03
Speaker 1: nurture on our own. You know that the doing onto
34:05
Speaker 1: others as you'd have done onto you is for you.
34:09
Speaker 1: It's because that's the quality of person you want to be,
34:13
Speaker 1: that's the type of energy you want to carry. But
34:16
Speaker 1: you also have to be in full alignment with the
34:18
Speaker 1: fact that you are not being promised that you will
34:20
Speaker 1: be treated well, that you will be treated with love,
34:23
Speaker 1: that you will be treated fairly. That's a really hard
34:26
Speaker 1: lesson to grapple with, right, Like it's really and it'll
34:30
Speaker 1: be called into question time and time again. Like the
34:32
Speaker 1: last five years, I was standing fully in that understanding,
34:37
Speaker 1: right like I don't I don't take anything personally. I
34:40
Speaker 1: don't get aside from maybe getting cut off in traffic
34:43
Speaker 1: if I got my kid in the car, I'm not
34:46
Speaker 1: getting mad about anything. Like I can't think of the
34:48
Speaker 1: last time I got angry or stressed out or like,
34:52
Speaker 1: it's just not how I operate right now, Which is
34:54
Speaker 1: not to say that terrible stuff doesn't happen sometimes, right terrible, um,
35:01
Speaker 1: but now you know, I found in the last two
35:03
Speaker 1: to three weeks that I am having to really relearn
35:06
Speaker 1: that understanding because something has come up for me that
35:10
Speaker 1: I can't wrap my head around with yeah, you know. Um,
35:15
Speaker 1: so when it comes to grieving, I say all that
35:16
Speaker 1: to say it is okay not to know what the
35:19
Speaker 1: hell to do. You know. That's how I am right now.
35:23
Speaker 1: I am not in a place in this moment to
35:26
Speaker 1: say that, you know, um, God does everything for a
35:31
Speaker 1: reason or I understand, or it was for the greater good.
35:34
Speaker 1: Like it's not how I feel. I do feel like
35:38
Speaker 1: this was a glitch of matrix. You know, I do
35:40
Speaker 1: feel like she should not be dead. Um, But I'm
35:45
Speaker 1: staying open to the fact that there are so many
35:47
Speaker 1: things I don't know and understand yet, you know. So
35:51
Speaker 1: I'm not angry at God. I don't agree right now,
35:56
Speaker 1: but I'm staying open to him showing me a better
35:59
Speaker 1: understanding for how life works that I don't yet know.
36:04
Speaker 1: That's so beautiful and so honest. Um, And thank you,
36:12
Speaker 1: thank you, because that's kind of leads me to my
36:15
Speaker 1: next question. Sorry, oh you really thank you in the journey,
36:21
Speaker 1: right in the up and down and the fact that
36:22
Speaker 1: it's not always going to be perfect, and that you know,
36:25
Speaker 1: you've told us so much about about your journey and
36:31
Speaker 1: about how where you've come from, and even saying you
36:35
Speaker 1: know there's not a lot that you let stress you
36:38
Speaker 1: out or that you like get you angry, but the
36:40
Speaker 1: fact that it's not every single day isn't the highest
36:44
Speaker 1: of highs um. And I do think that for me,
36:48
Speaker 1: and I don't know if this happens to anybody else,
36:49
Speaker 1: but for me, one thing I struggle with with wellness
36:52
Speaker 1: is like feeling like I'm almost not allowed to have
36:55
Speaker 1: bad days, feeling like, you know, I've achieved this wellness
37:00
Speaker 1: and so or I've achieved this state of mind and
37:03
Speaker 1: I have to be there all the time, and I
37:06
Speaker 1: have to And you've talked about a lot, especially working
37:08
Speaker 1: in media, you have to be on, you have to
37:10
Speaker 1: you know, be ready, and you're oftentimes I don't know
37:13
Speaker 1: if y'all heard, I worked at ESPN. I was in
37:15
Speaker 1: a lot of rooms with a lot of white men
37:16
Speaker 1: all the time, and you have to be you have
37:20
Speaker 1: to be this person that you don't always feel like
37:24
Speaker 1: you are. UM And I you're very you're being very
37:28
Speaker 1: honest about the fact that like it doesn't have to
37:31
Speaker 1: be every day, doesn't have to look like that. UM.
37:35
Speaker 1: I'd love for you to expand on that a little
37:37
Speaker 1: bit more about just like how do you maintain your
37:41
Speaker 1: peace of mind while also just riding the waves of
37:44
Speaker 1: the ups and downs. I think it's also just being
37:48
Speaker 1: an acceptance of what the reality of being a human
37:51
Speaker 1: being on earth is. There will never, for any reason
37:57
Speaker 1: be what we deem to be perfect. A lot of
38:00
Speaker 1: what society has taught us is an actually direct contrast
38:05
Speaker 1: with the way natural law actually works. Right with the
38:08
Speaker 1: understanding of day tonight sells regenerating life to death, you know, um,
38:15
Speaker 1: needing to feed on other things, you know, to keep nourishment.
38:19
Speaker 1: And there's so much about, specifically in America, the way
38:24
Speaker 1: that we have taught people to feel about themselves and
38:27
Speaker 1: to understand about the world that is just truly not
38:31
Speaker 1: in alignment with actually what I believe to be the
38:33
Speaker 1: reason God put us here. I believe God put us
38:37
Speaker 1: hereous souls and his spirits to remember who we are
38:42
Speaker 1: in circumstances, to remember Him in circumstances, to have the
38:46
Speaker 1: experience of being in a very imperfect place and still
38:52
Speaker 1: be connected to who we are and what our sacred
38:55
Speaker 1: energy is. So with that understanding, you know that thing
39:01
Speaker 1: ever will be fair, nothing ever will be perfect um.
39:07
Speaker 1: And there's so much freedom in that because when you
39:10
Speaker 1: take away that expectation, when you take away the feeling
39:14
Speaker 1: of being less than if it's not this, you open
39:19
Speaker 1: yourself up to just accept things as they're happening and
39:22
Speaker 1: to choose your responses to them. Um. In the first
39:26
Speaker 1: episode of my podcast, a dear friend of mine worded
39:28
Speaker 1: it perfectly. He said, you know, he he experienced. He
39:33
Speaker 1: grew up in Uganda during the genocide right under dam
39:36
Speaker 1: means regime. He's the only living member of his family,
39:41
Speaker 1: every single member of his family, his parents, his siblings,
39:45
Speaker 1: his parents, siblings, and each of his parents had like
39:47
Speaker 1: ten siblings. There there's no one, there's no one but him,
39:51
Speaker 1: right Can you imagine walking around every day with that
39:56
Speaker 1: depth of sorrow like that? Like it's not even conceivable,
40:01
Speaker 1: Like right now, we couldn't even try to put ourselves
40:03
Speaker 1: into the mind frame of what that would feel like.
40:05
Speaker 1: It's not conceivable. But he is the most joyous, kind, brilliant,
40:12
Speaker 1: wonderful human soul I've ever met. And I asked him,
40:15
Speaker 1: how do you manage to be so kind with a
40:18
Speaker 1: life filled with unbelievable hardship, you know? Um? And something
40:25
Speaker 1: he said was really beautiful. He said, he wakes up
40:27
Speaker 1: every day and dedicates the day to one of his
40:29
Speaker 1: ancestors and that brings him a lot of strength. Um.
40:34
Speaker 1: He also said, it's not that I don't feel the feelings.
40:38
Speaker 1: It's just I don't let them stay. I allow them
40:42
Speaker 1: to visit for the night, but they don't get to stay.
40:46
Speaker 1: Oh my gosh, I need to write that down and
40:49
Speaker 1: that and that's really how I look at my own
40:53
Speaker 1: day to day. Your life will absolutely never be without challenge,
40:57
Speaker 1: a hardship. Sorry to break it to you, it won't.
41:01
Speaker 1: You can live your best life. You can read every book,
41:04
Speaker 1: you can meditate every day, do yoga, you can do
41:07
Speaker 1: all the therapy in the world. Right. It's helping you
41:10
Speaker 1: learn how to better heal and serve yourself. But it
41:13
Speaker 1: is not telling you that once you reach a certain point,
41:17
Speaker 1: you won't have to go through anything. It's just not
41:19
Speaker 1: how it works. We're living in a world with many
41:22
Speaker 1: broken people. That we're in a school, right and you
41:26
Speaker 1: may be in a graduate program, but that person is
41:29
Speaker 1: in kindergarten. But we all got to live together and
41:31
Speaker 1: we all got to study together, you know. But so
41:34
Speaker 1: in that, in that understanding, when you have the freedom
41:38
Speaker 1: of that, you can allow yourself to feel things you're
41:40
Speaker 1: human being, sit in it. I didn't get out of
41:44
Speaker 1: bed for days after nipcy that I cried every single
41:48
Speaker 1: day for the past couple of weeks. And that's okay,
41:51
Speaker 1: that's a moment. I'm not gonna live in it, though
41:54
Speaker 1: I do understand at this point, even if I don't
41:57
Speaker 1: understand it, think it's right, think it's fair, Even if
41:59
Speaker 1: it hurt, it's me. I still have to move forward
42:03
Speaker 1: in my own life. I still have to choose to
42:06
Speaker 1: make the best choices for me, and like you know,
42:08
Speaker 1: another another great way to kind of be on this
42:10
Speaker 1: well in this journey and really navigate you're not good days.
42:14
Speaker 1: It's just understanding life is all about your personal best,
42:20
Speaker 1: which from day to day is going to be different,
42:23
Speaker 1: which from person a person is going to be different. Right,
42:26
Speaker 1: But are you making the most serving choices for yourself
42:29
Speaker 1: to the best of your ability given your life history
42:33
Speaker 1: right now? That could mean you woke up, That could
42:37
Speaker 1: mean you walked outside. That could mean you are, you know,
42:41
Speaker 1: doing doing the mantras every morning, doing affirmations doing it?
42:45
Speaker 1: Could you know? It could mean whatever it means for
42:47
Speaker 1: you in that moment um. So that's how I self
42:50
Speaker 1: check and navigate. Am I doing the best I am
42:53
Speaker 1: able in this moment. If the answer is yes, okay,
42:58
Speaker 1: then fine, this will pass. If the answer is no,
43:02
Speaker 1: what can I change? Because I don't want to cause
43:04
Speaker 1: my own suffering. So that honesty though, right, because when
43:07
Speaker 1: you're asking that yourself, that question, you have to be
43:10
Speaker 1: able to be honest with yourself. Because there are times
43:12
Speaker 1: where I'm asking where I know I'm not doing the
43:14
Speaker 1: best right, but I'm like, shoot, right, I'm gonna well,
43:19
Speaker 1: you know, and I'm there are definitely days where I
43:21
Speaker 1: know I'm not at you know, you know, and I'm
43:26
Speaker 1: just tired. But I'm going to tell myself I'm doing
43:29
Speaker 1: the best, even when that's not true. And and sometimes
43:31
Speaker 1: that's a that's a defense mechanism, and sometimes that's just
43:35
Speaker 1: me hiding from my own self. But how do you
43:39
Speaker 1: push yourself to be honest with yourself. It's a practice,
43:43
Speaker 1: It's something that you have to learn. We spend our
43:45
Speaker 1: lifetimes denying ourselves. We spend our lifetimes lying to ourselves
43:50
Speaker 1: about our feelings about many things, all the time, staying
43:53
Speaker 1: stuck in certain relationships, staying at a job you don't like,
43:55
Speaker 1: having to smile when you want to cry, Like, our
43:58
Speaker 1: whole life is based around a lot of self denial
44:01
Speaker 1: and a lot of intuitive repression. You know. Um So,
44:04
Speaker 1: it's gonna take practice. This isn't gonna happen overnight, you know,
44:07
Speaker 1: you and you have to be really gentle with yourself
44:09
Speaker 1: and the understanding that everything that you're cultivating it's the
44:14
Speaker 1: in practice type of thing. You know. It's you don't
44:17
Speaker 1: work out one time and have a six pack, you know, like,
44:20
Speaker 1: you gotta keep going, you gotta keep doing it. Um So,
44:24
Speaker 1: it's just really it's finding the comfort and standing in
44:28
Speaker 1: your truth. It's knowing that even your worst behavior doesn't
44:32
Speaker 1: make you unworthy. Even the worst thing you've ever done
44:36
Speaker 1: does not define what the value of your life is
44:39
Speaker 1: or what the purpose of your life is, especially if
44:42
Speaker 1: you choose to think another thought and to be another
44:46
Speaker 1: way and to behave differently you know, um suggest Like,
44:51
Speaker 1: really it's about extending self compassion and slowly being as
44:56
Speaker 1: honest with yourself as you can, and then also acknowledging
45:00
Speaker 1: if you're not I'm choosing to lie to myself right now,
45:04
Speaker 1: because even that teaches you honesty. You know, if you
45:07
Speaker 1: can say I know that this is not the best decision.
45:11
Speaker 1: I know I'm not being honest about with myself about
45:13
Speaker 1: how I feel, But in this moment, I'm going to
45:15
Speaker 1: choose to lie. Even that recognition is honesty, and that
45:21
Speaker 1: will slowly show you how to start being more real
45:24
Speaker 1: and honest and in alignment with who you are. Right,
45:28
Speaker 1: I'm over here losing track of time. Do we have time?
45:31
Speaker 1: Because some questions? I just want to we do okay,
45:33
Speaker 1: because I'm Chasina. I will be up here all day
45:36
Speaker 1: like there will be no other sessions if you just
45:39
Speaker 1: let okay, perfect, okay, great, okay, let's take some questions. Questions, questions. Oh,
45:48
Speaker 1: thank you deel with being in a relationship with solf career.
45:58
Speaker 1: That is a great question. Yeah, um, well that's that's
46:07
Speaker 1: like you read my mind question for me too. Well.
46:12
Speaker 1: At first I wanted a divorce. At first, I wanted
46:17
Speaker 1: to run. At first, I wanted to not have to
46:20
Speaker 1: take care of anybody and their issues, you know, and
46:23
Speaker 1: I just wanted to be with myself and work on myself. Um,
46:27
Speaker 1: when you're kind of especially when you're in that really
46:30
Speaker 1: restless place, in that bird out place where you have
46:34
Speaker 1: just reached your limit, it really is important to give
46:37
Speaker 1: yourself space and time, you know. Around that time, Luckily
46:40
Speaker 1: I had some vacation time start up at work. I
46:42
Speaker 1: was able to just disappear for a couple of weeks.
46:46
Speaker 1: You know. I did a mini eat, pray, love. You know.
46:48
Speaker 1: I found much like what everyone is doing here, I
46:51
Speaker 1: went on a retreat. You know, I went on a retreat.
46:53
Speaker 1: It was most of it in silence, and I just
46:56
Speaker 1: focused on myself, you know. And you know, my husband
47:01
Speaker 1: and I have really really transparent conversations, and um. At
47:05
Speaker 1: that time, it was really difficult because he especially wasn't
47:08
Speaker 1: on the spiritual journey he is on now. So it
47:11
Speaker 1: was a lot of defensiveness. It was a lot of
47:17
Speaker 1: really not understanding and then saying, okay, I understand, but
47:21
Speaker 1: I still need you to do all this for me
47:23
Speaker 1: and be my support system it is, you know, um.
47:26
Speaker 1: And it was really just me saying, all right, well,
47:28
Speaker 1: this is gonna be a challenging time and it's gonna
47:31
Speaker 1: be an uncomfortable time, and just sitting in that honest
47:34
Speaker 1: truth of knowing, well, this is gonna be the moment
47:37
Speaker 1: of my life that's titled rough, you know, um, and
47:42
Speaker 1: just and just still choosing to stand in it. Um.
47:44
Speaker 1: So that's really you know, ideally we were all so
47:47
Speaker 1: much younger. But you know, ideally, whoever you're in a
47:50
Speaker 1: relationship with, ideally you can have transparent conversations with and
47:56
Speaker 1: and you can let them know that I need some
47:58
Speaker 1: things from me right now. And this has nothing to
48:01
Speaker 1: do with you. This is not a reflection of how
48:03
Speaker 1: you make me feel. This is not a reflection of
48:06
Speaker 1: what you are doing or not doing. All of this
48:09
Speaker 1: is one thousand percent about me, and I just need
48:11
Speaker 1: to tap into that, um. And you know, as life
48:15
Speaker 1: would happen. If that doesn't, if you have a partner
48:17
Speaker 1: that is not acknowledging of that in any way or
48:21
Speaker 1: even open to understand anymore, might not be the most
48:24
Speaker 1: serving relationship for your life. Great question question in the back.
48:29
Speaker 1: Good morning, good morning. You talk a little bit about
48:33
Speaker 1: being a fixer. Um. You know we have that Olivia Pope. Yeah,
48:38
Speaker 1: I know, walk Blue purpose. You're fixing everything, you know,
48:42
Speaker 1: I interntacting this product. Warner is asking you that they
48:46
Speaker 1: like the Olivia pol Y office. You think anything sorre
48:50
Speaker 1: be all of this stuff. You know, the inside you're like,
48:55
Speaker 1: oh my god, I don't want anything to break because
48:58
Speaker 1: it's attah to mind exact nature. So can you talk
49:03
Speaker 1: about navigating the Olivio Pope fixtures who are active American
49:11
Speaker 1: women as we're climbing the core later we want to
49:14
Speaker 1: show up well, we want yes. So this is it's
49:20
Speaker 1: a lot to unpack because this is hundreds of years
49:25
Speaker 1: of forced burden that we have been trained to take on.
49:31
Speaker 1: So a lot of the things that we think, well,
49:33
Speaker 1: this is just how I am, I've always been this way.
49:36
Speaker 1: It's also a lot of generational um, not generational excuse me,
49:39
Speaker 1: genetic trauma that has been implanted in us um. So
49:45
Speaker 1: I say all that to say it's going to be
49:47
Speaker 1: a process um. In the work world, it's a little
49:49
Speaker 1: bit different because when you do have things tied to
49:51
Speaker 1: your name or tied to your brand, you want them
49:54
Speaker 1: done well. Um and so there are you know, that
49:58
Speaker 1: is a very beneficial trait to have in business. It's
50:01
Speaker 1: just important to really check in with yourself and no
50:03
Speaker 1: one is too much and allow people space to fail,
50:07
Speaker 1: especially as long as it's not affecting your bottom line
50:09
Speaker 1: at work, like you know, like give them give them
50:12
Speaker 1: space to fail and figure out their own answers. A
50:14
Speaker 1: little bit there I wish we had more time, because
50:16
Speaker 1: there's this great exercise, UM that I've done that choosing
50:21
Speaker 1: to be in the space of being an observer instead
50:24
Speaker 1: of a fixer. The first few times I did this,
50:25
Speaker 1: it was really really challenging, UM. But basically it's like,
50:29
Speaker 1: you would sit and maybe you guys can do this
50:31
Speaker 1: on a break later. You would sit with another person,
50:34
Speaker 1: right and they would be allowed to talk about whatever
50:37
Speaker 1: they want to talk about, and you do not interject
50:40
Speaker 1: at all. You don't make facial expressions right like. You
50:47
Speaker 1: don't you don't confirm deny, you know, for everyone's reactions hard.
50:54
Speaker 1: You don't offer input, not even with a glance like
50:57
Speaker 1: or or you know, not even with a with nothing.
51:00
Speaker 1: You just kind of sit there and you don't allow
51:03
Speaker 1: any of it to take on. But you're creating this
51:06
Speaker 1: beautiful space for someone else to fully be themselves. What
51:10
Speaker 1: you'll find in that. The first wee time I did that,
51:12
Speaker 1: I was like, just do this. I was just like,
51:15
Speaker 1: oh my god, I can't wait to this over so
51:17
Speaker 1: I can tell her if she just does X, Y
51:18
Speaker 1: and Z, now how they'll fix it. But if you
51:21
Speaker 1: just let them go and you don't say anything, you
51:23
Speaker 1: just said love and create a safe space, and and
51:27
Speaker 1: you know and and like at works, you can say,
51:29
Speaker 1: you you know how to do this, You've got this,
51:33
Speaker 1: you know how this works, so try and then I'll
51:36
Speaker 1: circle back with you, you know, um, because that also
51:39
Speaker 1: helps them grow as employees, right like and hopefully get
51:42
Speaker 1: out of that. But when you'll find when you're being
51:44
Speaker 1: in this like nurture neutral observer role is by the
51:49
Speaker 1: time the person is done talking safe ten fifteen minutes,
51:53
Speaker 1: they have pretty much talked themselves into a solution. Because
51:57
Speaker 1: we all inherently know what the hell to do anyway,
52:00
Speaker 1: we really do. We're just so disconnected from our own
52:04
Speaker 1: intuitive powers because of so many years of self denial
52:07
Speaker 1: and of wanting to manifest the opposite even when we
52:10
Speaker 1: know better. You know, um, But we all have all
52:14
Speaker 1: the tools we need inherently inside of us. And so
52:17
Speaker 1: by the end of talking, it's like, well, but I
52:19
Speaker 1: really know it's because of this or I should have
52:21
Speaker 1: done this right. So imagine we spend our whole lives
52:24
Speaker 1: not letting that person get to that moment. They're never
52:27
Speaker 1: gonna learn how to be on their own journey. You know,
52:31
Speaker 1: it's not just our journeys. That are important. It's honoring
52:34
Speaker 1: and understanding that other people have them too. And you
52:37
Speaker 1: can have great intentions because sometimes we'll say as fixer personalities,
52:41
Speaker 1: as the family therapist, you know, sometimes we'll say, but
52:44
Speaker 1: I just don't want them to be in pain. I
52:46
Speaker 1: just don't want them to hurt. Pain his life. Hurting
52:50
Speaker 1: is part of life. We're all here because we've been
52:53
Speaker 1: hurt in some way, right, Like, we all get to
52:55
Speaker 1: the best version of ourselves because we chose to walk
52:59
Speaker 1: through pain. We chose to set ourselves on fire, you know,
53:04
Speaker 1: So why would we take someone else? Is ability to
53:07
Speaker 1: do that away? You know, it's it's okay to hurt.
53:11
Speaker 1: It sucks, it's not ideal, it's not how I want
53:14
Speaker 1: to live my best life, you know. Um. But it
53:18
Speaker 1: will happen to each of us and it's okay, um,
53:20
Speaker 1: And it teaches us. Pain teaches us so much if
53:24
Speaker 1: we let it. Pain is really the candle, you know.
53:29
Speaker 1: The darkness is really truly the light for you. We
53:34
Speaker 1: just have to let it be, you know. We have
53:36
Speaker 1: to really work to try to stay open in all
53:39
Speaker 1: moments and extend that same ability for the people that
53:42
Speaker 1: we know by not taking everything on do we have
53:45
Speaker 1: time for one more question. Okay, I see right here.
53:49
Speaker 1: Thanks actually want to give a little this morning as well,
53:55
Speaker 1: like you had us an invitation continue who Yeah, and
54:01
Speaker 1: as someone who mystacusiness verson talk about you know my
54:06
Speaker 1: kind of like I'm not a my foremother but olarious
54:10
Speaker 1: like the first instance were like, let's get it that.
54:13
Speaker 1: It's like, okay, I'm not I'm not a world like
54:15
Speaker 1: it's getting with it, and so I think we're all
54:18
Speaker 1: of us. I can imagine being black women who are
54:21
Speaker 1: indoctrinated is to always be something for someone else. We
54:25
Speaker 1: don't know who who we are. So I was just
54:28
Speaker 1: curious as that because I struggled with it. But tips
54:32
Speaker 1: you have as far as like getting this a dig
54:35
Speaker 1: deeper ourselves that question and can figure out how to
54:38
Speaker 1: answer it before we let the outside world answer it.
54:42
Speaker 1: For yeah, such a good question. Oh it's a lot um.
54:48
Speaker 1: So for me, what was really important was in asking
54:52
Speaker 1: myself that question, right who am I? And not allowing
54:55
Speaker 1: myself to fill that space with an answer and not
54:57
Speaker 1: knowing what the hell that meant um and just doing
55:01
Speaker 1: it repetitively, repetitively, slowly just created more space than me
55:07
Speaker 1: to discover the stillness of who I am. And I'm
55:12
Speaker 1: hoping I'm making sense because it's going to sound so
55:15
Speaker 1: overly simplified, right, Like, there's not if I never did
55:20
Speaker 1: anything that anyone knew about. Ever again, right, if I
55:24
Speaker 1: wasn't needed by my family, I would still exist, I
55:29
Speaker 1: would still have value, I would still have worth, you know, um.
55:34
Speaker 1: And it's trying to find your way back to that
55:36
Speaker 1: space where you have happiness and peace that is not
55:41
Speaker 1: reliant on having a thriving career or on being needed
55:46
Speaker 1: by the people in your household. And it's not to
55:48
Speaker 1: say that you can't have a wildly successful life, make
55:51
Speaker 1: lots of money, have very loving relationships with the people
55:55
Speaker 1: in your life. It's just saying that with or without
55:58
Speaker 1: those things, you are enough. You love and enjoy who
56:04
Speaker 1: you are, you know, and that is a process, and
56:08
Speaker 1: I unfortunately I can't explain it, I think in better terms,
56:12
Speaker 1: because it really is just a feeling an expression that
56:16
Speaker 1: you eventually get to in transitioning careers. For myself, I
56:20
Speaker 1: thought a lot about that, right Like, I went from
56:22
Speaker 1: being working in media, I worked from l A. I
56:25
Speaker 1: worked in l A, I worked in New York, I
56:27
Speaker 1: worked in Texas. UM. I had achieved in my field,
56:31
Speaker 1: a lot of success I had, you know, I was
56:34
Speaker 1: a mentor to a lot of people in my field.
56:36
Speaker 1: At certain points, I was an executive in my field.
56:39
Speaker 1: I hired people. I you know, I really worked in
56:43
Speaker 1: such a collaborative nature, and that is part of my magic, right,
56:46
Speaker 1: like being in groups as part of the magic of
56:49
Speaker 1: who I am, brainstorming, pulling things out of people. So
56:53
Speaker 1: when I decided to take a different step and work
56:58
Speaker 1: more as an entrepreneur and bill of the business, well
57:01
Speaker 1: the business wasn't It's not highly successful at first. I
57:03
Speaker 1: don't have employees. It's just me, right, it's me isolated
57:07
Speaker 1: most of the time working on a computer. Um And
57:10
Speaker 1: that was a big change for me because I was
57:13
Speaker 1: no longer accessing facets of my personality that I really enjoyed,
57:18
Speaker 1: and that also fed my ego, you know, like getting
57:21
Speaker 1: validation feels good, getting told by your boss that you're
57:25
Speaker 1: brilliant and you're getting a raise and you're the best
57:27
Speaker 1: they've ever seen. Like what I love that. I love
57:31
Speaker 1: those birds, you know, and so that like that deep
57:34
Speaker 1: in my understanding of what I just explained to you too,
57:37
Speaker 1: It's like Okay, I don't have that in my life
57:40
Speaker 1: right now. I'm not having those experiences, but obviously I'm
57:44
Speaker 1: still all those things because if I once was, I
57:46
Speaker 1: still am. So all of that still, all of that
57:49
Speaker 1: charm ability, excellence, all of those things that people see
57:54
Speaker 1: in me when I'm in a crowd at work still
57:57
Speaker 1: live right here and they're still with me. But just
57:59
Speaker 1: because they're not being like fond over and celebrated, doesn't
58:02
Speaker 1: mean that I'm still not the ship, you know, like
58:06
Speaker 1: it doesn't mean that I'm still not, you know, having
58:08
Speaker 1: all of this greatness in my side and inside of
58:10
Speaker 1: myself to give. So that helped me deeper understand my
58:13
Speaker 1: personal purpose as well and my personal worth as well.
58:16
Speaker 1: You know, I kind of identify um, and I know
58:19
Speaker 1: we've got to go, but I kind of identify My
58:22
Speaker 1: purpose is to help people heal. My purpose is to
58:25
Speaker 1: be of service to other people. With the inherent gifts
58:29
Speaker 1: that God gave to me, I can do anything and
58:32
Speaker 1: still be in my purpose. I can be on TV,
58:34
Speaker 1: I can be on the radio talking to listeners. I
58:36
Speaker 1: can be working in the wellness space. I can be
58:39
Speaker 1: teaching a meditation class. I can be flipping fries and
58:42
Speaker 1: still get off the essence of who I am and
58:46
Speaker 1: what my purpose is. UM. So I hope that answered
58:50
Speaker 1: kind of okay. I just I want to say how
58:52
Speaker 1: much how powerful the questions were, um, because it's so
58:57
Speaker 1: interesting hearing people ask questions and then you yourself in
59:00
Speaker 1: that right and you realize that you're not alone, like
59:03
Speaker 1: all three of those questions really, Like I was like, well,
59:06
Speaker 1: then I should have asked that question. I have that
59:08
Speaker 1: same question like that. It's and so it's so powerful
59:11
Speaker 1: to just feel like there are other people who are
59:13
Speaker 1: going through what you're going through or who see you.
59:16
Speaker 1: And I know Christina said this last night. Just being
59:18
Speaker 1: in a room of people who say I see you, sis,
59:20
Speaker 1: like that is just such a powerful thing. And Debbie,
59:23
Speaker 1: thank you so much. This was an incredible conversation. I'm like,
59:30
Speaker 1: I feel like we had everybody in the room on
59:31
Speaker 1: our phone conversation. Thank you for being you, thank you
59:35
Speaker 1: for bringing your truth honest self, thank you for giving
59:38
Speaker 1: us a very room conversation about wellness, and and you
59:42
Speaker 1: have made my day and I hope everybody else is
59:44
Speaker 1: so thank you so much for being here, and thank
59:46
Speaker 1: you so much, and thank you because you are such
59:48
Speaker 1: a dynamic and amazing woman, and you are sharing our
59:53
Speaker 1: stories with the world and so many different mediums, and
59:56
Speaker 1: you're bringing the fullness of yourself in every room that
59:58
Speaker 1: you're inso in front of demographics of people, and that
1:00:02
Speaker 1: allows other people that look like us to do the
1:00:04
Speaker 1: exact same. So thank you so so much. Thank you, Rod,
1:00:10
Speaker 1: thank you listening, Thank you as big, thank you for
1:00:14
Speaker 1: listening to this episode of The Dropping Gem's podcast. This
1:00:17
Speaker 1: show is executive produced by Adrian Scott and me Debbie Brown.
1:00:22
Speaker 1: Our theme music was created by producer Day One and
1:00:24
Speaker 1: the poem that you heard at the beginning of the show,
1:00:26
Speaker 1: well that was created especially for us by award winning
1:00:29
Speaker 1: poet Nambie Okaford. If you have a quick moment right now,
1:00:32
Speaker 1: please hit subscribe on the show and if you like
1:00:35
Speaker 1: what you heard, take it a step further and give
1:00:37
Speaker 1: us a five star rating. Until next time you connect
1:00:40
Speaker 1: with me on I g at Debbie Brown or my
1:00:42
Speaker 1: website Debbie Brown dot com. Be blessed,