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Five Questions That Transform Conflict with Your Kids · Equipped for Impact

0:08
Nate: Welcome to Equipped for Impact, the podcast designed to assist Christian parents, leaders and educators to raise up the next generation, to stand firm in their faith and influence their world.
0:20
Nate: For Christ, we're your hosts.
0:22
Nate: I'm Nate and I'm Lewis, so let's get started.
0:26
Nate: Today, we are tackling a topic that every parent everywhere can relate to.
0:32
Nate: What do you do in those moments when your child messes up?
0:38
Nate: That is, unless, I guess, you've never done that because your kids don't mess up, right, lewis?
0:42
Nate: I'd like to think that that's what you would like to think.
0:47
Nate: This is where we need that sarcasm button again.
0:50
Luis: Don't most parents think their kid is perfect?
0:54
Nate: Yes, I think so.
0:55
Nate: If you don't think your kid's perfect, then I don't know what are you doing.
1:00
Nate: I don't know, maybe the rest of us are just deceived, that's what it is.
1:05
Nate: No, but you understand, right, we can joke about that.
1:08
Nate: We all know our kids are not perfect because they're just like us.
1:11
Nate: That's where they get it from, right.
1:13
Nate: But but really, how do we respond?
1:17
Nate: You know our first instinct because, again, we're not perfect, right, lewis?
1:21
Nate: So our first instinct is to react.
1:24
Nate: Your kid messes up, you're frustrated, you get angry, you lecture.
1:29
Nate: How do you react in those moments?
1:32
Nate: So what does this kind of look like in moments like that, lewis?
1:36
Luis: Well, we've all been there, right, yeah, the sibling fight and you step in to intervene, or the disobedience, or the attitude, the eye roll or the whatever, and before you know it, we've snapped.
1:56
Luis: But what if those moments weren't just about behavior correction?
2:00
Luis: And so what if they could be opportunities for discipleship, for shepherding our child's heart towards Christ?
2:08
Luis: Because here's the truth Parenting is not just about managing behavior.
2:14
Luis: It would have been nice if somebody gave us a manual like at the beginning, like when they're born, like if somebody came out of the doctor's office and was like here's your manual for managing behavior.
2:24
Luis: But we know it's not just that right.
2:27
Luis: Ultimately, like we've talked about from the first episode of this podcast, it's about shaping the heart of your child, and God calls us, as parents, to shepherd our children, and we've made it very clear that, ultimately, that responsibility starts with the parent and it's not just about getting them to act right and for us at least, for me anyways, nate, you may not have this problem right.
2:54
Luis: It means slowing down, it means asking good questions and it means pointing them back to the gospel.
3:02
Luis: School started yesterday.
3:05
Nate: Yep For us.
3:06
Nate: There's again.
3:06
Nate: This is the podcast magic people.
3:08
Nate: Right, this is the second day of school for us, but you're going to be listening to this in September sometime.
3:13
Luis: And so yesterday was the first day of school, right?
3:15
Luis: And so, like in my mind, I was like I want to make sure that it's a good first day, that we start good, and so my youngest daughter doesn't wake up on time, and so then we're rushing.
3:30
Nate: So who does she get that from, you or your wife?
3:33
Luis: I don't, neither one of us, because, because both my wife and I are both pretty good about getting up, like when, like when we need to get up, okay, um, and I would say, neither one of us is really morning, is like a morning person, and so, but, and so like I got up and I was getting ready, and then I called up to her and she answered and I thought she was up, and so then, you know, I kind of continued doing what I was doing and I mentioned to my wife I was like hey, go, go, go check on our youngest, and she's like I thought she was up and I said, yeah, well, I caught up, but I don't know, well, I walk over and we've got an upstairs, and so I holler up and she's not up, and this is like 20 minutes later now.
4:12
Nate: Oh man, so it was, it was Get that first day of school outfit on get going.
4:18
Luis: Like, like, like, like we got to go.
4:19
Luis: We got to go, and my wife was the first one to to kind of jump on it.
4:23
Luis: And then I looked at her and I was like, maybe, maybe, maybe you shouldn't be so like aggressive, and and then and that wasn't a good thing either, so that.
4:31
Luis: So then I've got conflict with, like, my wife, and then, uh, we've got conflict with our youngest daughter and it's like, come on, like we got to go, like, like I need to be there, we need to leave a certain time.
4:42
Luis: And then, of course, right, it was the lecture, the consequences, like you're going to bed at 6.30 tonight, you know no TV, and like you, did so it was.
4:55
Luis: Needless to say, it was not the start to the school year that I had hoped for you wouldn't put that as like your Instagram story for first day of school no.
5:06
Luis: And to anybody that sees our like back to school picture on Facebook like it's staged right, it's fully staged, was it?
5:14
Luis: Even on the same day.
5:15
Nate: It was the same day.
5:17
Luis: It was like calling back to our episode of like envy and like marketing.
5:21
Luis: Like just know that when you see that picture and everybody's smiling, the day did not start off.
5:27
Nate: The day is staged, oh man, so.
5:30
Nate: So, moments like that, right, we've all had those moments.
5:33
Nate: You get into it and you're trying to roll through and, uh, you know, you, you've got your your own sinful heart that you're wrestling with, right, um, and I think that's that's a great place that Scripture really points us.
5:47
Nate: You know when we're talking about us as dads, as moms, as parents.
5:53
Nate: You know when we're discipling our children.
5:55
Nate: You know the verse I think of immediately is Ephesians 6, 4, right, it's the verse fathers, do not provoke your children to anger or wrath, as I memorized it in King James, right, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.
6:11
Nate: Right, and so Paul is reminding.
6:13
Nate: Well, first of all, right, the main call there is to fathers.
6:18
Nate: So, dads, we've got that Our Father's Day episode.
6:20
Nate: You can go back and listen to that about.
6:23
Nate: I think that was episode 17, about, you know, it's the dad setting the tone there, but it's not in a way that provokes them to anger and it's that carries this idea of, you know, a constant berating or lecturing or just laying such a heavy burden on our kids that they can't bear it, that they're going to react in anger and not receive our discipline and instruction, but it's on us to bring them up in that discipline.
6:52
Nate: That word is really.
6:54
Nate: It has a lot of like with teaching.
6:56
Nate: It's the Greek padia.
6:57
Nate: You guys know.
6:58
Nate: You know we like to throw Greek words around.
7:00
Nate: We're Greek scholars, Not scholars.
7:02
Nate: We fake it, but we've got that word padilla right, which is where we get, like the, the teaching term we might have heard of.
7:09
Nate: You know pedagogy, where you're teaching children, and that's that idea.
7:14
Nate: You know you've got to lead them out into wisdom, and so it's.
7:18
Nate: It's the picture of a shepherd, you know, leading the sheep where they're supposed to go, and that's what what God has called us to do.
7:24
Nate: You know where you're not controlling them, you're leading them in the direction they should go and that's going to.
7:31
Nate: You know you can't do that if you're not doing it yourself right.
7:35
Nate: It starts in your own heart.
7:37
Luis: That's really good stuff and I've always wondered, like why does Paul single out the dads, right, yeah, like what is it about dads?
7:44
Luis: And like do not provoke your children.
7:47
Luis: Today you know dads, like we're guilty, like I don't know about you guys Verse.
7:55
Nate: this verse has nothing to do with dad jokes inciting eye rolls, because I don't know.
7:59
Nate: I'm pretty sure the Apostle Paul, if he were a dad, he would have told dad jokes.
8:03
Nate: You think so?
8:04
Nate: I think so.
8:11
Luis: Well, another verse right is Proverbs 4.23, where it tells us to keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flows the springs of life, and so what that's telling us here is that what's happening in our heart is driving our behavior.
8:24
Luis: Know we know that because, like modern psychology and all of the social emotional learning that has kind of come out of that right.
8:32
Luis: It tells us that what's inside of us, like what's inside of our heart, is going to control, it's going to dictate how we behave and how we treat others.
8:43
Luis: So if we only focus on outward actions, we're really missing the root of the issue.
8:51
Luis: So like if I'm angry all the time and I decide, well, I'm not going to be angry anymore, I'm not addressing the heart issue that's leading to that anger.
8:59
Luis: And you know, when you think about like weeds in a yard right, I don't cut my grass, right.
9:05
Nate: No.
9:05
Luis: But I do know what weeds are.
9:07
Luis: And so sometimes I pull out weeds when I'm out there working in our flower beds.
9:13
Luis: But if you only trim the top, it's going to look better for a while, but the root is still there, yeah, and they grow back.
9:21
Luis: It actually reminds me when we first bought our, our first house ever that we bought back in 2007.
9:27
Luis: There was, there was this.
9:29
Luis: I don't know if it was a plant, I don't know if it was a weed, I couldn't tell you what it was, but it was like it took over our flower bed and so man it's.
9:38
Luis: I was like I like I got this.
9:40
Luis: I went and got some like Roundup, yeah, and like I sprayed it and like did it kill everything like it killed.
9:45
Luis: Well, it killed whatever this thing was okay and so like it died and then it was gone, but then, like a few months later, it grew back stronger oh, my word and like it like super round like at that time it took over everything, right, and so the root was still there.
10:01
Luis: I didn't, I didn't get the root, so they finally had to go in there with, like, a shovel and like get the roots out, and the roots had grown all under the flower bed.
10:10
Luis: But you think about that, right?
10:11
Luis: When we parent without the heart, it's the same thing Like if we're not dealing with the root issue inside of us or the root issue inside of our children, those roots start to take over and we think we've addressed the issue.
10:25
Luis: But if we're not careful, those things are going to come back and sometimes worse than maybe even what they were initially.
10:33
Nate: Yeah, that's, um, it's, I've got a patio out back and when we moved into our house, like there was no patio and it was just the deck and the steps down to it.
10:43
Nate: Um, and then all of a sudden it was, you know, dry stretch.
10:47
Nate: Bunch of the grass started to die and I noticed that there were some, some like paver stones in the grass underneath.
10:53
Nate: I'm like what in the world?
10:54
Nate: So I grab a shovel and I start scraping that top and it had grown over.
11:04
Nate: With the previous owner he had just let the grass grow over the patio to the point that, like it accumulated dirt and then the grass, like continued to spread so that when we moved in we didn't even know a patio was there.
11:12
Nate: And then it was like it's probably an eight by eight patio that we had no clue was there and we just scraped it up.
11:19
Nate: But again those roots underneath.
11:21
Nate: So I am constantly spraying Roundup on those like cracks between those paver stones to keep it from doing exactly.
11:27
Nate: And like when I did that of course you know again sinful heart I'm like complaining about the previous owner, like what in the world was this guy thinking?
11:34
Nate: Like why did he just let it grow?
11:36
Nate: I mean that had to have taken years of neglect to get to that point.
11:40
Nate: But then I understand, like I'm spraying Roundup like twice a month on this thing to keep the weeds down, but that we can do that, right, we can do that with our child's hearts.
11:49
Nate: We can just, you know, cover it up, we can just ignore it, we can just constantly be dealing with the outworkings of it.
11:58
Nate: But you know the Bible talks about out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks, or you know the constant places in the New Testament where it talks about you know the fruit of, you know what's going on in our lives.
12:11
Nate: So you know we just kind of have to move from there right and be honest and think, okay, we've got our natural instinct.
12:19
Nate: But how is it that we can shift from, you know, our natural response of, you know lecturing anger, you know behavior modification, and actually shift into a redemptive response?
12:34
Luis: Well, you know, we want to be clear here too, that that we understand discipline is necessary, right, yeah, so Nate and I aren't saying that discipline consequences isn't a part of parenting.
12:46
Luis: So we don't want to swing the pendulum all the other way, True, and somebody hear this and be like, oh, if I'm supposed to be a good parent, then my kid never, never gets disciplined.
12:56
Luis: No, no, that's not what we're saying.
12:57
Luis: But what we're saying is that if that's all you do, you might win the moment, but you lose the heart.
13:04
Luis: Right, and that's what happened with that flower bed.
13:07
Luis: Right, I won the moment.
13:08
Luis: I, I beat that huge weed, but it grew back worse.
13:14
Luis: Right, and so.
13:15
Luis: But when we shift to a redemptive response, right, when we start asking how can I use this moment of failure to point my child to grace, to confession or a real change in Christ, that's where discipleship starts to happen.
13:31
Luis: And that's really what we want to drive home here is that, yes, there's going to be discipline, yes, there's going to be consequences, but we want to make sure that we're shifting our response to a redemptive response.
13:48
Nate: Yeah, and you guys know like we're all about practical tools and getting you know real practice of what this looks like.
13:55
Nate: We can talk about all day the Bible verses that tell us to aim for the heart and shepherd the heart and those types of things, but we want to give you a practical tool.
14:03
Nate: But before we jump into kind of a really practical tool we've found from Paul Tripp, who also wrote the book Shepherding a Child's Heart, just want to take a moment and ask you guys for a favor.
14:19
Nate: You know we are a small podcast, we're a new podcast, and one thing that would be really helpful is if you guys jumped on and you left us a review and shared this episode with somebody.
14:29
Nate: They, you know that's the biggest way that we can, you know, share these tools with other people, with other parents, and have more of us standing shoulder to shoulder discipling our own children so that they can be raised up and their hearts can be formed, and so this would be a great way for other parents to find encouragement so that they can be equipped for impact.
14:54
Nate: So if you would do that, go ahead and go on.
14:57
Nate: Wherever you listen to this, share us, review us, whatever, and that would be a huge help Do it now, right, right now.
15:03
Luis: Pause it, Stop what you're doing.
15:04
Luis: No, not while you're driving, yes.
15:06
Luis: If you're driving, don't do it.
15:07
Nate: But if you're listening to us in your office or while you're cutting the grass, while you're cutting the grass, you can just stop under the tree, turn the blades off and then you can keep going.
15:17
Luis: I have no idea what you're talking about I do.
15:19
Luis: I assume somebody that cuts grass knows what you're talking about.
15:22
Nate: That's exactly right.
15:23
Nate: Okay, enough nonsense, let's get back into this.
15:25
Nate: So Paul Tripp gives us a really helpful framework and I first heard this it was, I think, a video series about shepherding children with grace, and he's written several books on parenting, and Shepherding a Child's Heart is a great book.
15:43
Nate: But it's really five simple questions that get beneath the surface.
15:47
Nate: So let's walk through these and kind of give some examples.
15:50
Nate: So you kind of come into a situation classic he took my toy, she took the remote, he did you know, he hit me, whatever.
15:58
Nate: So instead of blowing up, first question you can ask is what's going on?
16:04
Nate: Ok, simple question, just simply asking what's going on.
16:17
Luis: Well, because it focuses on the situation, right and so, and so you are allowing your child to think through what's happening, like what is happening in that moment.
16:28
Luis: Right, he grabbed my toy and I hit him.
16:31
Luis: That's, that's what's going on, and it's just the fact.
16:35
Luis: It's just laying out what happened and so, as a parent, you're able to understand.
16:41
Luis: All right, these are the facts that I'm dealing with and hopefully it de-escalates the situation.
16:48
Luis: It allows the child to process this is what happened.
16:54
Nate: Their brains are being flooded with adrenaline and all the different hormones in the middle of an intense situation, so it gives them a chance to just pause for a beat.
17:03
Luis: And then, as a parent, it lets you understand what started it.
17:05
Luis: Right, because if you're assessing the situation, it gives you a minute Because, if we're honest, like the normal, standard response of our sinful heart is yell, stop it.
17:16
Luis: Both of you go to your room, or I don't want to hear this, or whatever.
17:19
Luis: But this is allowing you to assess the situation and understand what's happening, but also what started it, so it gives you time, as a parent, to be able to process the facts.
17:29
Nate: Yeah, I really like this because sometimes when you say stop it, right, it's so ambiguous, like stop what?
17:36
Nate: And you think like, well, I know what, I want them to stop, like, I want you to stop fighting, right, but what are they really stopping?
17:45
Nate: And so you know they might be, you know, yelling really loud or even just being goofy, but they're too loud that they're, you know, upsetting your podcast recording or something we don't record at home.
17:57
Nate: But you understand, like, and so you just say stop it.
18:00
Nate: And they're like well, stop what, stop playing, stop yelling, stop being loud.
18:03
Nate: And so even in that situation, you haven't been clear.
18:06
Nate: So that allows us to just get clear on what's going on in this.
18:11
Nate: What's the second question?
18:12
Nate: So the second question is what were you thinking and feeling as that was happening?
18:18
Nate: What were you thinking and feeling as that was happening?
18:21
Nate: So it starts with you know, just having them answer honestly, you know what was going on, and then now we start to get to the heart of it what were you thinking and feeling as it was happening?
18:33
Nate: That's a really good question.
18:34
Nate: Yeah, again, I didn't, didn't come from me, but there, like, it gets them to process, like I was mad, right, he took my toy and so I'm punching him, you know, and I just felt mad, I felt angry, I felt sad, and so I want to get even, you know, and that really starts to get to the heart of what's going on emotionally for your child and that helps them name their emotions and thoughts right.
19:01
Luis: It actually allows them to take their thoughts captive, because now they are processing and thinking of their thoughts.
19:07
Luis: Because when you're angry, right, what does the world tell us to do?
19:10
Luis: Right, to lash out, to react, and I can justify why I feel it.
19:16
Luis: Right, that was unfair.
19:21
Luis: But now, by just asking that question, you're helping them see their inner world, you're helping them think about what's going on.
19:25
Luis: And sometimes kids feelings reveal insecurities that maybe we, as parents, never, never, knew, never understood that they were thinking.
19:37
Nate: Yeah, yeah, yeah it's.
19:39
Nate: You know, if your child is a perfectionist, so I've got you know and my kids get it from us, right, her parents are both perfectionists in certain ways, but like that perfectionism even inside, you know, my child will come out in certain ways, and so getting a conversation going can even bring that out, like I was trying to be, you know, perfect, to to have this thing lined up exactly the way you wanted it or the way I wanted it, and my sister messed it up, things like that.
20:09
Nate: And so even there, like if you're just dealing with that behavior, whatever it was, the, the yelling, the, the hitting, the outburst, the argument, like they can cover that up, but it's not going to deal with the deeper issue of I'm trying to be perfect all the time, right, and they're not helping them realize that's really what's fueling their actions.
20:32
Nate: So a good question of you know what were you thinking and feeling as this happened?
20:37
Nate: So then you know we can keep that going.
20:40
Nate: Okay, they've named what they were feeling, so that the next question would be what did you do in response?
20:48
Nate: What did you do in response?
20:51
Nate: I love this one because it just comes down to ownership.
20:55
Nate: Yeah, right, you're getting them to own what they did.
21:00
Nate: Yeah, why do you think that's an important step in this list?
21:03
Luis: Well, because you're connecting their accents to the heart, right, it's allowing them to see that they did something and helping them understand why they did it, right, like if you, you know I've got two girls and they're, and they're always they're, they're always fighting about something, right?
21:25
Luis: I don't know if your girls get along great or if they were fighting.
21:29
Luis: My girls fight about stuff and it's silly stuff.
21:32
Luis: Right, but sometimes classic sisters, yeah, and so and so sometimes, when we're unpacking it, you know one of them will storm off, or one of them will go to the room, you know, and shut the door and and they and that's that's what they know to do, that's that's what they know to react to, like they want to get away from the situation.
21:52
Luis: So then we got to bring them back together to understand like and why did you do that Right?
21:58
Luis: Like it allows them to connect their actions back to their heart no-transcript.
22:47
Luis: So I wanted my toy back, I wanted control, I wanted to be seen, I wanted to be heard, and that's where you see and they hopefully see that that's what's driving their behavior.
23:03
Luis: So you think about a kid who maybe cheats on an exam, right, or they cheat on a test, and that's a big deal, especially in the context of a school right, and that's not just bad behavior.
23:17
Luis: But you help them unpack that, maybe to your point.
23:20
Luis: If your child is a perfectionist, right, they cheated because they didn't study, and the reason that they didn't study is because they were doing something, maybe something else, that they shouldn't have been doing, but ultimately they wanted to get a good grade because they wanted your approval or they wanted to keep the perfect average Right.
23:41
Luis: And so it allows you to see what really drives their behavior and maybe you unpack that it's a desire for approval, for, for control, for perfection, for a, a false view that people may have of them.
23:59
Nate: Yeah, and which then rolls into the last question, question number five what was the result?
24:05
Nate: Right, um, and I?
24:07
Nate: You know I was telling you before we hit record here like I keep these five questions, um, on my desk.
24:12
Nate: You know I'm a, I'm a school principal and so I'm helping students talk through, you know, their uh, bad decisions frequently as just part of my job.
24:20
Nate: But that one, like when I land with that question, it was like, well, what was the result?
24:25
Nate: Sometimes I even just flip it around as like, well, how did that turn out for you?
24:29
Nate: You know, working with middle schoolers kind of more casual there, but really that's what that is Like.
24:34
Nate: They felt a certain way, so they did something in order to accomplish their end goal, right, which they named.
24:42
Nate: But did that actually turn out the way they thought it would?
24:44
Nate: Right, I wanted control, and so I snatched the literally remote control out of my sister's hand.
24:51
Nate: Well now, how's that going out for you?
24:53
Nate: You know, how's that working out for you.
24:54
Nate: Did you actually get what you wanted?
24:55
Nate: You cheated on a test, you know, and so you wanted, because you wanted to get a good grade or keep your high average, or whatever it was.
25:04
Nate: Well, you have the approval or have the approval Right.
25:06
Nate: But now you've been caught.
25:08
Nate: You're going to get a consequence, probably get a zero on that assignment.
25:11
Nate: So how'd that work out for you?
25:12
Nate: And then that really helps your child think through the actual consequences of their actions.
25:18
Nate: You know it never turns out the way we expected it to and you know I think you're never supposed to say the word never, but it never turns out the way that you expect it to.
25:29
Nate: That's why you're having that conversation.
25:30
Nate: They wanted something, they did something to get it, and now it didn't work on them, it backfired.
25:35
Nate: And so those would be your five questions and you can go through that and that allows both you and your child to slow down in the moment and instead of just saying don't do that or don't hit your brother or don't yell at your sister, you're guiding your child to understand their heart motives and then you can connect it back to the gospel.
25:55
Nate: So in these conversations like Lewis, how would you walk through it?
25:59
Nate: You kind of unpack your child's emotions and goals and actions.
26:03
Nate: How would you then connect that to a gospel conversation?
26:07
Luis: You know that's that's the goal, right.
26:09
Luis: We want to connect it back to a gospel conversation and we're not.
26:14
Luis: We're not doing this to give you the Jesus juke, right.
26:16
Luis: You know like.
26:17
Luis: This isn't so that you can go back and be like what would Jesus do, right?
26:21
Nate: Or Jesus died on the cross because you hit your sister, that's right, that's right.
26:25
Luis: But maybe you just say you know, son, daughter, you wanted control more than you wanted to love your brother.
26:32
Luis: But God calls us to put others first and the good news is that Jesus forgives us when we put ourselves first and he gives us the power to change.
26:40
Luis: That's an example of shepherding the heart.
26:43
Luis: You're not pulling out the Jesus juke, but you're helping your child understand their sinful behavior, what that sinful behavior leads to, but understanding that God calls us to something different.
26:55
Nate: I think we need to make t-shirts like equipped for impact on the front and then like on the back pulling out the Jesus juke, the back, pulling out the Jesus juke.
27:01
Luis: Pulling out the Jesus juke yeah.
27:02
Nate: Have you heard of the Jesus juke before?
27:04
Nate: I have not heard of the Jesus juke.
27:05
Luis: Does that surprise you?
27:06
Luis: It doesn't surprise you.
27:07
Luis: No, but it was a context that I grew up in, and it's this idea of you're having a conversation with somebody and then, all of a sudden, you pull out the Jesus juke right of a sudden you pull out the Jesus juke right, and then it's like whoa, like where did that come from?
27:23
Luis: Like I didn't know this conversation was going to turn into a Jesus conversation.
27:25
Nate: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
27:25
Nate: So as parents, we have to remember, you know, these moments.
27:29
Nate: They're opportunities for the gospel we are shepherding their hearts and our kids.
27:34
Nate: You know they're not going to be perfect, right, but God can use us to direct them and help them in their process of progressive sanctification, to use the theological term right.
27:46
Nate: And sometimes that means we need to confess it.
27:50
Nate: When we mess up, right, we might roll into a situation, you know, like responding police officers and, just, you know, blow up and deal with it.
28:00
Nate: And when we come back to that, you know we might have to come back through to our children and say, you know, I shouldn't have reacted that way, I shouldn't have raised my voice.
28:10
Nate: It doesn't, you know, excuse their behavior right, but their behavior also doesn't excuse yours, you know.
28:17
Nate: So, coming into that and asking for forgiveness, you know it models that humility and the gospel in action for our children.
28:25
Luis: And that's powerful right, like when parents say I'm sorry, I shouldn't have raised my voice, I shouldn't have acted that way, I shouldn't have done that outburst Will you forgive me?
28:37
Luis: It models humility and it shows the gospel in action.
28:42
Luis: I remember one of my best moments from last year when I had a great dad of the year moment when my daughter was talking to me and I reacted in a way that I shouldn't have and we were at a restaurant and it was a restaurant that she was looking forward to going to and was excited.
28:58
Luis: And then I remember my wife it wasn't bonfires, no, it wasn't, I do like bonfires.
29:03
Luis: This was Pizza Villa in Kinston, and so we were having like a family meal.
29:08
Nate: If either of those restaurants want to sponsor the Equipped for Impact podcast, you podcast at WayneChristianorg, we would love to have you as a sponsor, that's right.
29:15
Luis: Especially if we get free food always free food.
29:18
Luis: And I had an outburst that I shouldn't have had and I remember my wife looking at me and being like are you proud of yourself?
29:25
Luis: Like are you happy?
29:26
Luis: And I wasn't right, like I felt terrible, right, I mean I realized, and so I had to go back to my daughter and in a moment where it was just her and me in the car and be like hey, I'm sorry that I acted that way.
29:39
Luis: I'm sorry I said that I shouldn't have said that.
29:41
Luis: I'm sorry, will you forgive me?
29:43
Luis: And it goes a long way.
29:45
Nate: Yeah.
29:46
Nate: So when we go into that right, whether it's these five questions, whether it's you know just happen to ask for forgiveness.
29:54
Nate: You know, hopefully you got some great practical takeaways from just this conversation here and learning from some of our mistakes as dads.
30:06
Nate: So let's kind of just recap, right.
30:08
Nate: There are really three big ideas as we go through this and things you can do right away.
30:14
Nate: Number one I would say memorize these five questions.
30:17
Nate: Or I told you I have them printed on my desk, so print them out.
30:22
Nate: In fact, what we're going to do is is we'll have a printable version of these podcast or these questions ready, and if you email us at podcast at Wayne Christianorg, we'll automatically send a copy to you.
30:34
Nate: So just send us an email with your best dad joke with, you know, questions that you might have, with just saying, hey, how much you love breakfast for dinner, and we will automatically send you these things.
30:48
Nate: We just want to hear from you and so we also want to get this to you.
30:51
Nate: But it's really easy Keep them printed, memorize them, whatever, and then that way you can use them in a conversation.
30:58
Luis: Another thing I remember, like we talked talked about, is pause before responding.
31:01
Luis: Right, take a breath, pray silently, ask God for wisdom.
31:05
Luis: I don't think anybody has ever said I am so thankful I responded immediately to a situation with an emotional outburst.
31:14
Luis: I don't think anybody ever says that, right, it's usually we regret that we responded so quickly with an emotional outburst.
31:22
Nate: Yep, yep.
31:23
Nate: A wise man once told me never miss an opportunity to shut your mouth.
31:27
Nate: That's really good.
31:28
Nate: Of course, that was also my father when I was a teenage boy.
31:31
Nate: So there you go, I may steal that one Never miss an opportunity to shut your mouth.
31:37
Luis: To shut your mouth.
31:38
Nate: Yep, so that's a good one.
31:39
Nate: But I mean, as dads, as moms, we can do that too.
31:42
Nate: Hey, sometimes you just got to shut your mouth for a second and then you can come back at it and number three end with hope.
31:51
Nate: Right, as you walk through this, you're talking through these questions.
31:55
Nate: It's not about getting them to behave better.
31:58
Nate: It's about pointing them to the gospel right, see, forgiveness and restoration in their lives, whether it's with you as their parent or their sibling or whoever else.
32:09
Nate: Right, they can live in that forgiveness and grace and with that, then, walking in obedience to Christ walking in obedience to Christ.
32:22
Luis: And if you do these three things, you'll see that you start turning discipline moments into discipleship moments and I think you'll reap great benefits in the lives of your children.
32:30
Nate: That's awesome, so, Lewis.
32:32
Nate: As we close out, any last words of encouragement for our listeners here.
32:36
Luis: Yeah, parents, let me encourage you with this right your job is not to raise perfect kids, because if so, we're failing terribly right, but it's to shepherd them towards the one who is perfect, and that's our Savior right.
32:54
Luis: Every failure, whether it's yours or your child's, is a chance to point to the gospel, and so this week, when you're tempted to react, take a step back.
33:05
Luis: Remember these questions, Think back to this episode and just remember that God is using you to reach their heart.
33:13
Nate: That's right.
33:13
Nate: So thanks so much for that and thank you, guys for listening to Equipped for Impact.
33:19
Nate: Like we said, if this episode encouraged you, share it with another parent who needs a reminder that God uses even the hard moments to shape our children's hearts, that'll do great to help them be equipped for impact.
33:33
Nate: And it'll also help just this podcast grow so that more parents can learn and grow together.
33:36
Nate: This podcast grows so that more parents can can learn and grow together.
33:39
Nate: Also, be sure to subscribe so you don't miss our next episode answering your child's big questions.
33:46
Nate: That's going to be good, yeah, yeah, I think it's going to be a series, right?
33:49
Nate: So if you've got a question maybe one of these big questions your kid has has asked you, you know, put that in that email to podcast at Wayne Christianorg.
33:59
Nate: Not only will you get that PDF printout, but we'll maybe throw that big question in one of our episodes.
34:06
Luis: What's an example of a big question, so people know.
34:08
Nate: Ooh, ooh.
34:09
Nate: You know well big questions like who is God?
34:12
Nate: Ooh, yeah, okay, why did my teacher say we evolved from monkeys?
34:18
Nate: Ooh, that's a good one, what?
34:20
Luis: about this one If God really knows everything, why does bad stuff still happen?
34:25
Nate: Ooh yep, Big questions like that so there you go.
34:27
Nate: If you've got some big questions, email us at podcast at waynechristianorg, and until then, keep leading the next generation to stand firm in their faith and influence their world for Christ.