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It's easy, if it's with the right person · Johnjay & Rich On Demand

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: I want you guys to think about your partner, your spouse,
• 0:03
  Speaker 1: your husband, your wife, your boyfriend, your girlfriend, okay? And
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: I saw this. This is so interesting. It's eight things
• 0:11
  Speaker 1: that feel easy. With the right person, but exhausting with
• 0:17
  Speaker 1: the wrong one. Oh, this is good. This is good.
• 0:20
  Speaker 2: Okay.
• 0:20
  Speaker 1: So gut check. You're driving right now. You're listening to this.
• 0:23
  Speaker 1: You're in a relationship and things aren't going well. If
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: things are going well, you always just question whether it's
• 0:26
  Speaker 1: the right person or not. I will give you the answers.
• 0:30
  Speaker 1: This is so good.
• 0:31
  Speaker 2: Okay.
• 0:32
  Speaker 1: So these are eight things that feel easy with the
• 0:33
  Speaker 1: right person, exhausting with the wrong one. Sitting in silence. Yes.
• 0:38
  Speaker 2: Yeah. Right?
• 0:39
  Speaker 1: With the wrong person, you're like, I feel like I
• 0:40
  Speaker 1: have to say something. What am I supposed to say?
• 0:42
  Speaker 1: And with the right person, you're just like, oh, we're chilling.
• 0:43
  Speaker 1: You know, I feel like sometimes this works with friends, too. Yeah.
• 0:46
  Speaker 1: I think so. That one does. There's a couple of
• 0:50
  Speaker 1: friends of mine, I could just be totally quiet and never,
• 0:52
  Speaker 1: ever say anything, right? Telling them your good news. You
• 0:57
  Speaker 1: got the job. You ran a mile. Something small and
• 0:59
  Speaker 1: shiny happened to you. Your first instinct is to tell them.
• 1:01
  Speaker 1: With the right person, that instinct pays off. They ask
• 1:05
  Speaker 1: a follow-up question. They want details. The win gets bigger
• 1:08
  Speaker 1: in the retelling, which is half the reason human share
• 1:11
  Speaker 1: wins at all. With the wrong person, you learn to
• 1:14
  Speaker 1: pre-shink your announcements.
• 1:15
  Speaker 2: Wow, boy, that's sad, right? Yeah, because sometimes it's like
• 1:17
  Speaker 2: if it's the wrong person and you tell them something exciting,
• 1:20
  Speaker 2: they might not be excited for you.
• 1:21
  Speaker 1: They might be your low-key number one.
• 1:22
  Speaker 2: Hater, right? Yeah.
• 1:24
  Speaker 1: You've watched too many of them land on flat. Nice.
• 1:27
  Speaker 1: Before the conversation swings elsewhere. Yeah. Yeah, sure.
• 1:30
  Speaker 2: Wow.
• 1:31
  Speaker 1: Or like they get jealous of you and aren't happy
• 1:33
  Speaker 1: for you.
• 1:33
  Speaker 2: If that is your world, that is a bad place
• 1:36
  Speaker 2: for you to be.
• 1:37
  Speaker 1: Things that feel easy with the right person, exhausting with
• 1:40
  Speaker 1: the wrong one. Disagreeing about something small. Every couple disagrees
• 1:44
  Speaker 1: about the thermostat. the route, the correct amount of cilantro.
• 1:48
  Speaker 1: The question is what a small disagreement costs with the
• 1:51
  Speaker 1: right person. It costs nothing. Somebody makes a joke, mid arguments,
• 1:55
  Speaker 1: somebody rolls her eyes affectionately and the whole thing deflates
• 1:58
  Speaker 1: before it ever becomes a thing with the wrong person.
• 2:00
  Speaker 1: There are no small disagreements. Every difference of opinion is
• 2:03
  Speaker 1: a loose thread on a much larger sweater. And you've
• 2:06
  Speaker 1: learned not to pull the deflating move has a name.
• 2:08
  Speaker 1: Number four, Asking for what you actually need. Can you
• 2:12
  Speaker 1: handle dinner tonight? I'm wiped. With the right person, they
• 2:16
  Speaker 1: cost nine words. With the wrong person, the same request
• 2:19
  Speaker 1: requires a full internal legal brief. You draft it, soften it.
• 2:22
  Speaker 1: That's good.
• 2:25
  Speaker 2: I like these so far because it's like, yeah, the
• 2:27
  Speaker 2: big things you should be able to handle, but.
• 2:29
  Speaker 1: The little things you should be able to handle too.
• 2:31
  Speaker 1: You should be able to handle both of them. Having
• 2:32
  Speaker 1: an off day in front of them. With the right person,
• 2:34
  Speaker 1: you're allowed to be a lesser version of yourself. On Thursdays, unfunny, unshowered.
• 2:38
  Speaker 1: They don't take it personally and you don't have to
• 2:41
  Speaker 1: manage the reaction to the mood on top of the
• 2:43
  Speaker 1: mood itself. With the wrong person, there's no such thing
• 2:46
  Speaker 1: as clocking out. You feel your face arranging itself the
• 2:48
  Speaker 1: moment they walk in. You perform well. fineness. You edit
• 2:51
  Speaker 1: a bad day into a lighter, more palatable antidote. The
• 2:55
  Speaker 1: performance isn't free. In a series of studies, this psychologist
• 2:57
  Speaker 1: says that effortful self-presentation, the work of overriding your natural
• 3:01
  Speaker 1: tendencies to manage your impression of people, this is deplorable
• 3:05
  Speaker 1: fuel tank. Oh, wow.
• 3:07
  Speaker 2: So if you're trying to just act like everything's okay
• 3:10
  Speaker 2: when it's totally not for the other person, that's bad.
• 3:13
  Speaker 1: That's bad.
• 3:14
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 3:14
  Speaker 1: I mean, that takes a lot of energy. Spending time apart.
• 3:19
  Speaker 1: With the right person, a weekend apart is just a weekend.
• 3:21
  Speaker 1: They go do their thing, you go do your thing,
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  Speaker 1: and the reunion is a small pleasure rather than a relief.
• 3:25
  Speaker 1: With the wrong person, distance is a live wire. Either
• 3:28
  Speaker 1: you're the one refreshing the phone and decoding response times,
• 3:31
  Speaker 1: or you're the one on trial for wanting a night
• 3:32
  Speaker 1: with your friends. Interesting, right?
• 3:36
  Speaker 2: I just had a week away from my wife, and
• 3:38
  Speaker 2: I thought, It was, I missed her, but it was
• 3:41
  Speaker 2: cool when she came back.
• 3:42
  Speaker 1: There was none of that.
• 3:43
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 3:43
  Speaker 1: You shouldn't be worried if your man goes on a
• 3:46
  Speaker 1: boys trip or something. I'm like, you're busy. You're busy.
• 3:47
  Speaker 1: You text me when you can text. We'll talk when
• 3:49
  Speaker 1: you can talk. Making small decisions together. Where should we eat?
• 3:52
  Speaker 1: Which movie? Whose family gets Thanksgiving this year? Those aren't
• 3:55
  Speaker 1: hard problems. They're barely problems. With the right person, they
• 3:58
  Speaker 1: resolve in 90 seconds because both of you are actually
• 4:00
  Speaker 1: trying to land the plane. With the wrong person, where
• 4:04
  Speaker 1: should we ease a trap with three exits, all locks, right?
• 4:07
  Speaker 1: I mean, it's so interesting. You hear about being stressed
• 4:10
  Speaker 1: while they're in the room. Bad news arrives, the email,
• 4:13
  Speaker 1: the diagnosis, the number that doesn't add up. With the
• 4:15
  Speaker 1: right person nearby, the bad news is still bad, but
• 4:17
  Speaker 1: it's somehow sized differently. Their present works like whatever. With
• 4:22
  Speaker 1: the wrong person, stress compounds. Now there are two problems,
• 4:25
  Speaker 1: the original one and managing their anxiety, their opinions, their
• 4:28
  Speaker 1: need to make your crisis about them. Interesting, right?
• 4:31
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 4:32
  Speaker 1: So take that with you. If you're sitting there right
• 4:34
  Speaker 1: now and you're listening to this, thinking of whether you're
• 4:36
  Speaker 1: with the right person or the wrong person, maybe we
• 4:38
  Speaker 1: gave you some answers.
• 4:39
  Speaker 2: Or it might be time for you to bounce.