Latest / The Wild Woman Within: Recover from Burnout & Achieve True Work-Life Balance Through Feminine Energy / 2| How to Build Unshakable Self-Confidence When You're Afraid of Being Judged

Transcript

2| How to Build Unshakable Self-Confidence When You're Afraid of Being Judged · The Wild Woman Within: Recover from Burnout & Achieve True Work-Life Balance Through Feminine Energy

• 0:01
  SPEAKER_01: Hey there.
• 0:01
  SPEAKER_01: How are you?
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_01: Welcome to this episode.
• 0:06
  SPEAKER_01: This is the episode that's going to explain to you the very first time I became in the business of myself.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_01: That's what this is all about, right?
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_01: Like the Fitsin project in the business of yourself.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_01: What does that even mean?
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_01: Let me show you.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_01: Let me give you my very first example of what it felt like to be in the business of myself, like from Jump Street.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_01: I was about eight or nine years old.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_01: I don't really remember.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_01: But I was young.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_01: And there were these little girls that lived in my neighborhood.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_01: There were about, I don't know, maybe five of us that lived in the neighborhood, and we always played all the time.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_01: Like every single day, like they'd come over to my house, or I'd be at their house, or we would always walk home from school together and through our neighbor yards.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_01: It whatever it was, we were always together.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_01: And we did the summer things together as well.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_01: And one of the cool things about growing up in a small town is the small town fair.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_01: So like this is a real thing.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_01: This is a cultural event.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_01: And you have to go to the fair.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_01: You have to go to the county fair, no doubt.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_01: So this is a small town in Kentucky, and the fair is coming up.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_01: And that's really like the only thing that you can really do in the summertime, unless your family had some money that could take you on a family vacation, right?
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_01: So even going to the fair was super expensive, mind you, especially for the people that live in this community.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_01: And it was it's a thing.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_01: Like if you got to go to the fair, it's kind of a big deal.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_01: So at these fairs, there's the traditional truck pools and the derby, the uh car derby, demolition derbies, which is hilarious in all of its glory.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_01: When we're at the fair, you know, you're walking around, you're doing all the rides, you're getting sick.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_01: Think of Sandlot, right?
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_01: Like they go to their county fair, and the guys are all dipping with the dip, and they're riding around at these like circular um rides at the fair, and then they get off and they're all throwing their guts up.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_01: That's basically what it's like going to the Lincoln County Fair here in Kentucky when we were children, about I don't know, 30 years ago.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_01: So the fair was just like kind of crazy.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_01: There were no rules.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_01: There was barely a hype limit to get on all of these rods.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_01: So we all know the fair's coming and the things at the fair you have to like prepare for.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_01: Like you've got to prepare for the tractor pool.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_01: You gotta prepare for demolition derby, you gotta prepare for the pageants.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_01: That's right.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_01: The county fair pageants.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_01: Like this is like the queen bees of the fair.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_01: Even though they they even have like tiny tots too.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_01: Like the little boys can go up and everybody gets to vote on who's cutest.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_01: And it's pretty freaking precious.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_01: But like when you're eight years old or nine years old, it's like intimidating, right?
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_01: Like there's the one time you're on stage your very first time in your 15 minutes of fame or glory, or does it even matter?
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_01: But at a young age, you know, in a small town, you're doing the most popular thing of the year in getting in front of all of the people that you live in this community with.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_01: And for all you know, that's all they are, because you're eight or nine years old, and that when you're in the fair and you're in the pageant, you're on the stage.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_01: For all you know, everybody in the entire county, perhaps even the state, is there watching you because like that's what you know to be the bees' needs of everybody in their gathering in their community.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_01: That year was the first year that I and all my little girlfriends around my street, we all signed up to be in the Miss Preteen pageant.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_01: Every single one of us were in this pageant.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_01: And leading up to the pageant, and the pageant is like 4th of July week as well.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_01: Let's set the stage here.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_01: This is what people are doing that we know.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_01: If you exist in this county, you are at the fair on the 4th of July, and you're anticipating the winners of the beauty pageants, and you're anticipating the massive firework show afterwards, because that is the only thing this county provides in the summertime is your five days of fairness and your firework show.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_01: And also, when you're at the fair, you have to wear like the clothes, they have to like match your fair, right?
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_01: We haven't yet adopted black top.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_01: We might have adopted some gravel at this point in life.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_01: I don't really know, but around like the path that I would seriously call like a cow path that goes around the in a circle and they build up the rods along the cow path, like that's how this fair was.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_01: So, like everything was grass and or it was beaten down, like the cow path that turns into mud because of how many people walk around it.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_01: And if you're wearing like some white sandals and it just so happened to rain because you're in the state of Kentucky and it's 4th of July week, and that's what it does here at a sporadic moment, then your fair day is ruined.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, so like there's no predictability here.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_01: All rules are out the window when you're dealing with Mother Nature.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_01: Like you're not allowed to bank on a good hair day in the middle of summer.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_01: You're not allowed to be like, yeah, I'm gonna wear this really nice outfit and leave whatever situation without sweat marks because you're in the deadass, et cetera, and it's just like hot, and you're there's no trees, there's no shade trees on this cowpath fair.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_01: There's there's none of that, right?
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_01: There is a pavilion with a stage on it, and that's where they have the pageants, and then there's like a set of bleachers with um football field mud pit, and there's no bleachers on the other side at this time, and that's where they have the monster truck pools and tractor pools and the demolition derby.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_01: So, like this is your um country bumpkin fair time of the state.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_01: So, like just setting the stage here, right?
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_01: So it's kind of a big deal.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_01: So when I'm with all my little girlfriends and everything, they're like, What are you wearing to the fair?
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_01: What are you gonna wear?
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_01: What are you gonna wear?
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm asking them, and I'm like, ooh, but what color are your shoes?
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_01: What color are your socks?
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_01: And oh, how are you doing your hair?
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_01: And all the things.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_01: And everybody had their own set of dresses.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I really feel like one of the girls, she had a gingham style dress and it tied in the back, and just like any cute little girl, she looked adorable, and I loved it.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_01: She and her mom, um, they went shopping and she bought it at a store.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_01: Really, like I loved everything that they had, right?
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_01: She was a set of three sisters that lived down the street, and she was the youngest one, so she was closest to my age.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_01: She was a year older than me.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_01: And I just thought, like, those girls couldn't do no wrong.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_01: Like, they hung the moon, every single one of them.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_01: I just loved being around them.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_01: They were my best friends, and we we fought like friends do, and little girls do, and we did um mischievous things like kids do when they're kids.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_01: There were some guys that lived on the street.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_01: I have an older brother, and next door to me were my two guy cousins.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_01: One was the same age as my brother, and one was about four years younger than me, and they lived next door growing up.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_01: And there were some other guys here on the street as well, and one behind us, and it was just like a small town street.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_01: So it felt like everybody who lived in town was our next door neighbor because there's like five streets in town.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_01: There's a few um businesses in town, like one of them is a Coleman's drugstore that we would walk to almost every other day in the summertime.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_01: And I remember like having to scrounge up change that maybe my dad had left in his uh jean pockets, and he was like, It's your turn to do the laundry.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_01: Well, if he had the change in his jean pockets and I'm doing the laundry, well, that's I got paid, right, to do some laundry.
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_01: If I looked around the house long enough, I could probably find some corners here and there.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_01: It was for real, like the American childhood.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_01: And we were in the 90s.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_01: It was awesome.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_01: There was a little place called Telstar, and they had movies down on the corner of downtown, and you could go in, you could rent um VHS movies, and that's what we did.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_01: Like it was a dollar to rent a movie, you know, like because that's like our sole entertainment when we were at home was to go rent a movie down at the local Telstar and watch it on weekends on repeat, specifically the movie Now and Then.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_01: I think I had that rented out like at least every week at minimum because it was like my favorite movie, and I could just watch it on repeat.
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_01: I just I really love that movie because it just resonated with me and how my life was at the time.
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_01: And it really was like the movie Now and Then.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_01: Roberta.
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_01: Uh so yeah, the girls lived down the street, and I loved them.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_01: They were just so much fun to hang out with.
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_01: It was really cool because I got to see what it's like to have sisters, which by the way, they were absolutely terrible to each other.
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_01: They would smack the shit of each other for like I don't even know.
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_01: And they would pull each other's hair.
• 11:28
  SPEAKER_01: It was just like bizarre to me to watch them because then I would take that attitude home and I would try that shit with my brother, and he's like, uh no.
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_01: And then, you know, in return, I got what was a brother-sister fight versus a sister-sister fight.
• 11:45
  SPEAKER_01: And you know, the terms are a little bit not even when you're looking at a brother-sister fight or a sister-sister fight.
• 11:51
  SPEAKER_01: So, like, you know, I'll learn very quickly like to stop doing that, and I'll just watch them do that to each other.
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_01: So instead of like uh participating and bringing any of that back home, I would just watch them.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_01: And there we are.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_01: And I also participated with them on our madness.
• 12:08
  SPEAKER_01: So it wasn't like I was being left out by any stretch of the imagination.
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_01: It was almost like I was their youngest, youngest sister, and we all got to just like participate in family quarrels, and that's exactly what happened.
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_01: So we're leading up to the fair, and everybody's showing me their dress.
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_01: Some of them were, and then some of them did not show me their dress, but I'll never forget the day they came to my house.
• 12:37
  SPEAKER_00: Um I'm at home, and I was kind of like already feeling um intimidated, maybe, or less than, or not good enough.
• 12:57
  SPEAKER_01: I was like eight and nine, I was feeling these feelings and I didn't know what they were at that time, but I knew like in my belly, I could if I go back to that moment as an adult today and place myself in that moment.
• 13:14
  SPEAKER_01: If I had the language then that I do today, that's the language that would come up for me.
• 13:20
  SPEAKER_01: It's just like not good enough, not worthy enough to be a participant in this because you know, my mom didn't buy my dress.
• 13:31
  SPEAKER_00: As a matter of fact, my aunt, who lived next door, made it.
• 13:37
  SPEAKER_00: She bought the fabric.
• 13:40
  SPEAKER_01: She made me like five or ten dresses, something like that, for a couple years in a row, a few years in a row, she made my clothes that were beautiful dresses.
• 13:54
  SPEAKER_00: You know, like um Dolly Pardons, the coat of many colors.
• 14:01
  SPEAKER_00: That was my dress.
• 14:05
  SPEAKER_01: No, it wasn't patched together, but it was a fabric that was many, many colors.
• 14:11
  SPEAKER_01: It was blue for the most part, a lot of red and pink and yellow, and she found the buttons to match, and it was almost like it was two pieces, but it wasn't, it was one.
• 14:29
  SPEAKER_01: And I remember going over to her house like several times, just literally right next to her, so just across the driveway, and went over to her house, and she would measure me, and I'd stand there, and she put this like paper, literal paper measurement cutouts on me and make some lines, do her tape measure across all the things, get my measurements from head to toe.
• 14:58
  SPEAKER_00: And she made the most beautiful dresses for me, and that's what I was wearing.
• 15:08
  SPEAKER_01: One of those really pretty dresses is the one that I was gonna wear in the pageant.
• 15:14
  SPEAKER_01: I was actually really proud of them, to to be fair.
• 15:18
  SPEAKER_01: I was extremely proud of them.
• 15:21
  SPEAKER_01: I was for me, I did not know that we um didn't have a lot of money.
• 15:26
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't know that going to Coleman's and buying 50 cent orange drinks were was a lot of money.
• 15:35
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't know that going to Telstar and renting a dollar movie was a lot of money.
• 15:41
  SPEAKER_01: I had no concept of what my parents had to do to afford me these tiny streets of life as a child.
• 15:51
  SPEAKER_01: My brother may have known because he was far more into it than me.
• 15:57
  SPEAKER_01: He's two years older than me, and he's basically like an old old man.
• 16:00
  SPEAKER_01: He was an old man and he was like 10 or 11 or 12 years old, you know?
• 16:05
  SPEAKER_01: He's two years older than me, so whatever age I was at this point.
• 16:08
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, he he already knew all the science of all the things.
• 16:12
  SPEAKER_01: And little Benjamin Button, basically, this guy.
• 16:16
  SPEAKER_01: But I'm over here like floating through life like a little fairy, and I'm like, oh, I think I will go have an orange drink today.
• 16:23
  SPEAKER_01: This sounds like a great idea.
• 16:24
  SPEAKER_01: Mother, can I have 50 cents?
• 16:26
  SPEAKER_01: And she's like, oh my god, I don't know that I have 50 cents.
• 16:29
  SPEAKER_01: Here's some pennies, count them out.
• 16:30
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, okay, I've got 50 cents, so like I'm rich, let's go get my orange drink, have a great day, ride my bike around, play with the girls down the street.
• 16:39
  SPEAKER_01: Everything is great for me, right?
• 16:43
  SPEAKER_01: So they come over and they knock on the door.
• 16:46
  SPEAKER_01: There's four of them.
• 16:47
  SPEAKER_01: The one of the girls, she's the same age as my brother.
• 16:51
  SPEAKER_01: So she's in the preteen as well, and then there's two of her friends.
• 16:55
  SPEAKER_01: And then there's the youngest that's her sister, and she's uh one year older than me.
• 17:02
  SPEAKER_01: So first of all, I felt really cool that girls in my brother's class were interested in me.
• 17:10
  SPEAKER_01: Oh my goodness, like they are interested in what I'm wearing, and they're interested in um how I'm gonna show up to this fantastic fair pageant.
• 17:23
  SPEAKER_01: They all are at the door.
• 17:24
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't let them in, but I remember opening up the bigger door.
• 17:29
  SPEAKER_01: I had the storm door, they're on the other side, and they're like, Oh, can we see your dress?
• 17:34
  SPEAKER_01: We want to see what you're wearing in the pageant.
• 17:37
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm like, Oh my gosh, yeah, I'd love for you to see it.
• 17:42
  SPEAKER_01: And proud me was ecstatic, like these girls are interested in me and they want to see how pretty my dress is that my aunt made and how much time she put into me to feel pretty.
• 18:01
  SPEAKER_01: I was so proud to show them this dress, and I did.
• 18:06
  SPEAKER_01: And I walked out on the front porch and showed them my dress, and they're all like, Oh, that is so pretty.
• 18:15
  SPEAKER_01: Oh my gosh, I love it.
• 18:17
  SPEAKER_01: Can I touch it?
• 18:18
  SPEAKER_01: And they touched it, and I was like, Oh yeah.
• 18:20
  SPEAKER_01: So I think the fair pageant was the very next night.
• 18:25
  SPEAKER_01: So I turned the corner in our foyer where they couldn't see me, and I held my dress, and they were I heard him.
• 18:32
  SPEAKER_01: I heard him talking.
• 18:33
  SPEAKER_01: They're standing on the front porch.
• 18:35
  SPEAKER_00: They're like, that is so ugly.
• 18:38
  SPEAKER_00: She is not gonna win.
• 18:41
  SPEAKER_00: I can't believe she's wearing a dress that her aunt made.
• 18:49
  SPEAKER_00: Those words hurt me.
• 18:54
  SPEAKER_00: Hurt my feelings.
• 18:55
  SPEAKER_00: It hurts my feelings just thinking about it.
• 19:00
  SPEAKER_00: I just I'm giving my little self a hug right now.
• 19:03
  SPEAKER_00: Like old me.
• 19:06
  SPEAKER_00: Young me.
• 19:09
  SPEAKER_00: Because it gets better for me here.
• 19:11
  SPEAKER_00: And um I put my dress away.
• 19:14
  SPEAKER_00: And then all of a sudden I felt shame.
• 19:17
  SPEAKER_00: A lot of shame of my dress.
• 19:20
  SPEAKER_01: And then those feelings that was telling me that I didn't know what they were.
• 19:25
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't know what shame was either.
• 19:27
  SPEAKER_01: I don't think anyone around here knew what shame was.
• 19:29
  SPEAKER_01: They just like to do it to people.
• 19:31
  SPEAKER_01: I don't think they knew the the name of it.
• 19:33
  SPEAKER_01: I think they just were like addicted to shaming people, and that's what they did, so there was a lot of that.
• 19:38
  SPEAKER_01: But uh yeah, felt all I've just felt very shameful in that moment of not being good enough.
• 19:46
  SPEAKER_01: Or man, my mom should have gone and bought me something.
• 19:50
  SPEAKER_01: My friends didn't approve, so it must not be good.
• 19:54
  SPEAKER_01: And then I told them, I was like, actually I can't come out today.
• 19:58
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, well I'll see.
• 20:00
  SPEAKER_01: You all later, you know.
• 20:03
  SPEAKER_01: I had something to do.
• 20:05
  SPEAKER_01: You know, I kind of blacked out in the moment of being sad.
• 20:08
  SPEAKER_01: I just remember I rejected their offer to go play and sent them on their way.
• 20:13
  SPEAKER_01: And then I went up to my room and I cried a lot.
• 20:16
  SPEAKER_01: I I know I cried to my mom, and my mom gave me all these words of encouragement, like, those girls are nothing.
• 20:23
  SPEAKER_01: You're beautiful.
• 20:24
  SPEAKER_01: You don't even know how beautiful you are.
• 20:26
  SPEAKER_01: I wish you could see what I see in you.
• 20:29
  SPEAKER_01: And I know she told me that often.
• 20:31
  SPEAKER_01: Because I felt that way often and I didn't know why or how or whatever.
• 20:36
  SPEAKER_01: She told me that all the time.
• 20:39
  SPEAKER_01: I wish she could just see what I see in you.
• 20:41
  SPEAKER_01: And I would be like, Mom, you have to say that.
• 20:43
  SPEAKER_01: You're my mom.
• 20:44
  SPEAKER_01: And she would say, No.
• 20:46
  SPEAKER_01: I don't have to say that.
• 20:48
  SPEAKER_01: My mom never told me that.
• 20:50
  SPEAKER_01: She would say, My mama never told me that.
• 20:52
  SPEAKER_01: I don't have to say that.
• 20:54
  SPEAKER_01: I'm your mom, but I'm telling you, you are beautiful.
• 20:58
  SPEAKER_01: I wish you could see what I see in you.
• 21:00
  SPEAKER_01: I wish I had outsourced myself to my mom instead of my friends in that moment.
• 21:07
  SPEAKER_01: Because she was so correct.
• 21:12
  SPEAKER_01: So She worked nights.
• 21:14
  SPEAKER_01: My dad wasn't really there this particular evening.
• 21:18
  SPEAKER_01: I'm rehearsing with my brother.
• 21:21
  SPEAKER_01: Because one of the questions on this grandiose stage in all of Lincoln County at the fair is a big question.
• 21:31
  SPEAKER_01: It is the ultimate question.
• 21:33
  SPEAKER_01: It is the beauty pageant of beauty pageant questions of all.
• 21:40
  SPEAKER_00: What do you want to be when you grow up?
• 21:45
  SPEAKER_01: So I had spent about a week rehearsing this with my mom and my dad.
• 21:50
  SPEAKER_01: And I would say some things, and my dad would always butt in, No, you don't want to be that.
• 21:55
  SPEAKER_01: You don't want to be that.
• 21:56
  SPEAKER_01: You're not going to make a lot of money.
• 21:58
  SPEAKER_01: You don't want to be that.
• 21:59
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm like, yeah, you're right.
• 22:02
  SPEAKER_01: I don't want to be that.
• 22:02
  SPEAKER_01: I want to make money.
• 22:04
  SPEAKER_01: What makes money?
• 22:06
  SPEAKER_01: You know, at this point in life, like I believed I could be the president of the United States, like the first woman president.
• 22:12
  SPEAKER_01: And I specifically remember saying that, maybe not at this exact time, but I remember telling my dad one day that I was going to be the first woman president.
• 22:20
  SPEAKER_00: And he was like, ha ha ha ha ha.
• 22:23
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, fat chance.
• 22:24
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, oh shit, I'm not going to be the first woman president.
• 22:28
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 22:29
  SPEAKER_01: Or I remember telling my dad one day I was going to be an astronaut.
• 22:34
  SPEAKER_01: And he was like, an astronaut?
• 22:36
  SPEAKER_01: What are you going to do when you get to space?
• 22:39
  SPEAKER_01: What is there to do up there?
• 22:41
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, I don't know.
• 22:42
  SPEAKER_01: I'm just going to go up and land on the moon.
• 22:45
  SPEAKER_01: He's like, we've already done that.
• 22:46
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm like, yeah.
• 22:47
  SPEAKER_01: He said, plus you have to be really good at science.
• 22:50
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, yeah.
• 22:52
  SPEAKER_01: Not my favorite subject.
• 22:54
  SPEAKER_01: So then I told him one day I was going to go and I was going to be um a teacher.
• 23:00
  SPEAKER_01: And he's like, guy, yeah, they don't make a lot of money.
• 23:03
  SPEAKER_01: Do you really want to babysit other people's kids all day?
• 23:06
  SPEAKER_01: And knowing what I know about being teachers is one thing, but knowing what I knew at that point about babysitting was a strong hell no.
• 23:17
  SPEAKER_01: I did not want to do that.
• 23:19
  SPEAKER_01: No.
• 23:20
  SPEAKER_01: Other people's kids?
• 23:22
  SPEAKER_01: No, I actually I don't want to do that.
• 23:25
  SPEAKER_01: Um yeah, so I told him I wanted to be a teacher.
• 23:29
  SPEAKER_01: Told him I want to be an astronaut.
• 23:30
  SPEAKER_01: No, no, no, no.
• 23:32
  SPEAKER_01: First woman president, hell to the nah.
• 23:34
  SPEAKER_01: You're not gonna do that.
• 23:35
  SPEAKER_01: Which, you know, he's not wrong.
• 23:36
  SPEAKER_01: I'm glad I didn't, because we all know how that goes.
• 23:41
  SPEAKER_01: He said, What about you want to be a lawyer?
• 23:43
  SPEAKER_01: You want to be a lawyer, you want to make money.
• 23:46
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I do.
• 23:47
  SPEAKER_01: He said, Plus you're really good at arguing.
• 23:50
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm like, I am.
• 23:52
  SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna be a lawyer.
• 23:55
  SPEAKER_01: So I rehearsed how I was gonna be a lawyer.
• 23:59
  SPEAKER_01: And my why, I couldn't go up there and say, because I'm really good at arguing.
• 24:04
  SPEAKER_01: So my why was like, I was gonna go and fight for the people.
• 24:10
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I think that was it.
• 24:13
  SPEAKER_01: I want to be a lawyer so I can fight for the people.
• 24:17
  SPEAKER_00: Ooh.
• 24:19
  SPEAKER_00: That makes zero sense.
• 24:22
  SPEAKER_01: And I don't know that lawyers really spend a lot of time fighting for the people as much as they do fighting to win the case, because like there's a lot of lawyers who represent terrible people, and I don't think that they really want the terrible person to win the case.
• 24:42
  SPEAKER_01: I think that they just want to win the case because it's a lawyer thing to do, right?
• 24:49
  SPEAKER_01: Not all lawyers are that way, but I figured this out like later in life.
• 24:53
  SPEAKER_01: I was gonna be a lawyer because I was gonna fight for people.
• 24:58
  SPEAKER_01: When my brother and I are there and we're by ourselves, and it's the night of me just being totally dismissed and or I'm ugly, or that's what it felt like they were saying was I was too ugly to participate.
• 25:14
  SPEAKER_01: I really wasn't feeling being a lawyer to fight for the people, because like those were the kind of people that I would be a lawyer to put away, were those girls.
• 25:24
  SPEAKER_01: Like those girls were mean and made me cry and hurt my feelings, and I want to put them away.
• 25:32
  SPEAKER_01: So I can't really like go up there on stage and be like, I'm gonna be a lawyer and fight for the people because I knew that the people still included those girls, and I do not want to fight for them right now.
• 25:42
  SPEAKER_01: I want to fight them, not for them, but I can't do that either because first of all, there's four of them, one of me, and I already know how they slapped their sisters around.
• 25:52
  SPEAKER_01: I would have definitely just been mutilated.
• 25:57
  SPEAKER_01: I would not have had a chance.
• 26:00
  SPEAKER_01: So couldn't even argue my way out of that one.
• 26:03
  SPEAKER_01: My brother was like, What do you really want to be?
• 26:05
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm like, I don't think I want to do this.
• 26:07
  SPEAKER_01: He's like, Yeah, you have to now.
• 26:10
  SPEAKER_01: He you have to, you know, at that point in life.
• 26:13
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe even today, too, but not really today, but definitely at that point in my life, he was my number one fan.
• 26:20
  SPEAKER_01: But incognito, he wasn't allowed to show any of his friends or my friends that he actually liked me and my company.
• 26:29
  SPEAKER_01: But I knew we had a really great relationship when my cousin next door wasn't around, or the girls down the street weren't around.
• 26:39
  SPEAKER_01: When it was just me and my brother, we were actually pretty awesome and we were funny, and he was interesting, and I was interesting to him, and I don't know, we just had a good bond.
• 26:55
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes we fought, of course.
• 26:57
  SPEAKER_01: That's what siblings do.
• 26:59
  SPEAKER_01: When my parents weren't here eight out of ten times, it was pretty peaceful.
• 27:07
  SPEAKER_00: And this is one of the times he came in a clutch.
• 27:12
  SPEAKER_01: He actually also named me Rachel, which is um I've always thought, oh, he must really love me to give me the name that I'm gonna carry for the rest of my entire life.
• 27:27
  SPEAKER_01: And you know, he must have thought about me a whole whole lot.
• 27:32
  SPEAKER_01: And now, as I'm older, um, my mom told me how that story went down.
• 27:37
  SPEAKER_01: Um she was gonna name me like Mary Elizabeth or Lindsay or something that everyone else is also named outside of Rachel.
• 27:46
  SPEAKER_01: My brother's like, I was born, and they were like, We're gonna name her blah blah blah.
• 27:51
  SPEAKER_01: And he was like, I'm not like Windsor, I like Rachel.
• 27:57
  SPEAKER_01: So there you go, everybody.
• 28:00
  SPEAKER_01: That's how I became Rachel.
• 28:02
  SPEAKER_01: My mom's like, oh, I love it.
• 28:05
  SPEAKER_01: Rachel, it is, took the brain work out of that one.
• 28:09
  SPEAKER_01: Thanks, Adam.
• 28:10
  SPEAKER_01: You did great.
• 28:11
  SPEAKER_01: Love you, buddy.
• 28:12
  SPEAKER_01: You're already just the best big brother in the whole entire world.
• 28:17
  SPEAKER_01: And you know what he is?
• 28:19
  SPEAKER_01: So he's always had this, like, like I said, the old man Benjamin Button about him, like super responsible dude.
• 28:31
  SPEAKER_01: You know, made the good decisions, very discerning.
• 28:35
  SPEAKER_01: Man, you talk about somebody that's was always in the business of himself, always thought my brother was.
• 28:43
  SPEAKER_01: Always.
• 28:44
  SPEAKER_01: Like, if I could just be as like on it about other people, like he he just seemed like he never let the girl down the street rock his nerves, you know, like I did.
• 28:58
  SPEAKER_01: You know, I was too sensitive and open to everybody's critics at the time.
• 29:03
  SPEAKER_01: And my brother was just like, Yeah, well, thanks for your character flaw and judging me, I'll talk to you never.
• 29:12
  SPEAKER_01: And that's one thing about him too.
• 29:13
  SPEAKER_01: Like, if he's like, I'll talk to you never, he actually will never talk to you again.
• 29:17
  SPEAKER_01: So that's um another really great uh thing about him that I really like is I'm like, oh, I'll talk to you never, and then I'll see you at the supermarket, like, hello, how are you?
• 29:27
  SPEAKER_01: Oh my god, it's been so long.
• 29:29
  SPEAKER_01: Uh yeah, but Adam, no, he's just like talk to you never, he'll make straight up eye contact with you and won't say a word.
• 29:36
  SPEAKER_01: And yeah, just one of those totally opposites, raised by the same people.
• 29:40
  SPEAKER_01: So we're there by ourselves and we're rehearsing the big question for the big night.
• 29:48
  SPEAKER_01: Tells me, like, what is it that you really want to be?
• 29:52
  SPEAKER_01: What do you want to do?
• 29:53
  SPEAKER_01: What do you want to be?
• 29:54
  SPEAKER_01: Like, you don't want to be a lawyer.
• 29:56
  SPEAKER_01: He's like, actually, you're not good at arguing.
• 29:58
  SPEAKER_01: You're just good at complaining.
• 30:01
  SPEAKER_01: And you know what?
• 30:02
  SPEAKER_01: He wasn't wrong.
• 30:03
  SPEAKER_01: I've never been a great arguer.
• 30:05
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not gonna sit here and memorize facts long enough to tell you how things should be.
• 30:09
  SPEAKER_01: I just should say how things should be, and you should accept it, because that's more so how I feel about life.
• 30:15
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I'm not gonna remember people, their specific names, and like uh code 578.9 says X, Y, Z, blah blah blah blah blah blah.
• 30:25
  SPEAKER_01: No, I'm not gonna do that.
• 30:26
  SPEAKER_01: I'm just gonna be like, you know, I heard somewhere along the line there was a code, I don't know the name, and I think it says something about this, and this is why you should believe exactly what I have to say.
• 30:36
  SPEAKER_01: None of that shit's gonna hold up in court.
• 30:38
  SPEAKER_01: So he already knew from Jump Street I was uh gonna be a terrible lawyer.
• 30:43
  SPEAKER_01: Terrible.
• 30:44
  SPEAKER_01: Like he knew me best out of everybody because he had to spend the most amount of time with me.
• 30:49
  SPEAKER_01: Because unlike me at 13, him at 13, he was way better of a babysitter than I was.
• 30:55
  SPEAKER_01: He's the guy you could have trusted.
• 30:56
  SPEAKER_01: What do you really want to be when you grow up?
• 30:58
  SPEAKER_01: And I remember I was laying down on the floor and I was staring up at the ceiling, and I was just busted out.
• 31:06
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, I want to be a peacock.
• 31:09
  SPEAKER_01: And he's like, What?
• 31:11
  SPEAKER_01: A peacock?
• 31:12
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, Yeah, so I can show all the world my beautiful colors.
• 31:17
  SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna show the world my beautiful colors.
• 31:19
  SPEAKER_01: I want to be a peacock, and he rolled laughing.
• 31:23
  SPEAKER_01: I think he was in the chair and he was just laughing so hard he fell out, and I started laughing, and we were just dying at this.
• 31:31
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I'm gonna be a peacock, and I'm gonna go tell everybody in Lake County that I'm gonna be a peacock when I grow up, and all of you guys get to see my beautiful colors.
• 31:45
  SPEAKER_01: So he said, I dare you.
• 31:48
  SPEAKER_01: I dare you to get up there tomorrow night and you tell everybody you want to be a peacock so you can show them your beautiful colors.
• 31:57
  SPEAKER_01: Do that.
• 31:58
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, No way.
• 31:59
  SPEAKER_01: He said, Well, you already think you're gonna lose.
• 32:02
  SPEAKER_01: What do you have to lose?
• 32:04
  SPEAKER_01: You know, the girls told you you were gonna lose, you already think you have to lose.
• 32:08
  SPEAKER_01: What do you have to lose?
• 32:09
  SPEAKER_01: Just go up there, have fun, to hell with those girls down the street, and just tell them you want to be a peacock so you can show the world your beautiful colors, and then just like be done with it.
• 32:23
  SPEAKER_01: If you go up there and say you want to be a lawyer so you can help people, you're still gonna lose.
• 32:28
  SPEAKER_01: What does it matter?
• 32:30
  SPEAKER_01: But I was like, damn, you know, he had a point.
• 32:35
  SPEAKER_01: I already thought I was gonna lose, so I'm just gonna go until yeah, I want to be a peacock.
• 32:41
  SPEAKER_01: My mom comes home the next day.
• 32:44
  SPEAKER_01: She's getting me ready for the pageant.
• 32:47
  SPEAKER_01: Today is pageant day, and I knew everybody was gonna be there, and I haven't talked to the girls down the street or anything.
• 32:54
  SPEAKER_01: I've talked to um my aunt, you know, we she helped get me dressed and all the things, and my other aunt came in to do my uh makeup because she did Mary Kay, and that was one of her things.
• 33:09
  SPEAKER_01: She's like, I'll do your makeup, and you can have like top-of-the-line makeup.
• 33:13
  SPEAKER_01: My aunt next door, she made my dress and the most beautiful dress.
• 33:18
  SPEAKER_01: And my mom was like, I'll do your hair.
• 33:20
  SPEAKER_01: My aunts and my mom gathered and they got me ready.
• 33:23
  SPEAKER_01: And if I'm not mistaken, my nana had given me these white shoes and white little ruffle socks that had little pearls on the side.
• 33:32
  SPEAKER_01: You talk about cute as a button.
• 33:35
  SPEAKER_01: I was cute.
• 33:37
  SPEAKER_01: I had a little updo going, and it was one of those.
• 33:42
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know if you remember, not a banana clip, but they were kind of like uh felt, they were felt, and it was a long tube, and you could twist it, and they may have even been called twist up, but you could twist your hair around it, and it would look like it was in a long side bund.
• 34:02
  SPEAKER_01: If you went from the crown down to the neck, and it was just a long twisted bun.
• 34:06
  SPEAKER_01: My mom put my hair up like that, and she made some little ringlets around my face, and I had the most beautiful hair clip, and I think it was my mom's, perhaps even from her wedding day, if I'm not mistaken.
• 34:20
  SPEAKER_01: And she put it in my hair to hold the twist-up bun.
• 34:24
  SPEAKER_01: I was just adorable.
• 34:26
  SPEAKER_01: I got to wear some eyeshadow and pink lipstick.
• 34:32
  SPEAKER_01: I was feeling myself.
• 34:33
  SPEAKER_01: I I've always been a fan of a girl and lipstick, mainly me.
• 34:38
  SPEAKER_01: I love it, love the way it makes me feel, all myself together, head to toe.
• 34:42
  SPEAKER_01: And my mom had to go to work.
• 34:45
  SPEAKER_01: And she worked down at the gas station because she was putting herself through college, working really hard, worked at night, and my dad worked in the day, but basically they tag teamed, you know, our our childhood.
• 35:01
  SPEAKER_01: And for a little bit, just while my mom was in college.
• 35:05
  SPEAKER_01: But that's a lot of bit when you're only a child for 10 or 12 years, four years is a lot of bit.
• 35:13
  SPEAKER_01: I had the best mom in the world.
• 35:15
  SPEAKER_01: She had to go to work.
• 35:17
  SPEAKER_01: She was like, I'll leave and I'll come, I'll be there, and I'll I'll be there for the pageant.
• 35:23
  SPEAKER_01: So she got to leave work for the hour of the pageant.
• 35:27
  SPEAKER_01: We're at the fair.
• 35:29
  SPEAKER_01: My dad walks me over there, my grandma's there, my ma'am, my Aunt Marty is there, my uh literally like the entire town.
• 35:37
  SPEAKER_01: My Aunt Mickey was the one that did my hair, my Aunt Nita was the one that made my dress.
• 35:42
  SPEAKER_01: Like, we're all here.
• 35:45
  SPEAKER_01: My whole family's here, plus the girls down the street, their whole family, plus like all the people that I thought lived in Lincoln County were totally at this pageant.
• 35:56
  SPEAKER_01: They were there to watch the pageant, the Miss Preteen pageant.
• 35:59
  SPEAKER_01: Whether or not that was true, I don't know, but I'll tell you what, that's what it felt like.
• 36:03
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, all right, I'm ready for this.
• 36:05
  SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna do this, I'm gonna go tell everybody I'm gonna be a peacock.
• 36:08
  SPEAKER_01: That's the one thing that I hadn't shared with the girls down the street about how I was gonna show up.
• 36:17
  SPEAKER_01: I was gonna change it up.
• 36:19
  SPEAKER_01: Just gonna go in and have fun.
• 36:21
  SPEAKER_01: I chewed a piece of gum because that's what I do, and I'm nervous.
• 36:24
  SPEAKER_01: And they specifically said, do not chew any gum.
• 36:27
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm like, you know, I don't have anything to lose.
• 36:31
  SPEAKER_01: As far as I was concerned, I had already lost.
• 36:33
  SPEAKER_01: So I was just showing up to tell everybody that I'm gonna be a peacock.
• 36:36
  SPEAKER_01: They can check my colors when I'm grown.
• 36:39
  SPEAKER_01: What?
• 36:40
  SPEAKER_01: So there we're all standing in line, and we're literally lined up on stage, and they call you up number by number to come to the stage.
• 36:49
  SPEAKER_01: Then they give you your live interview that you already had the questions to, so you got to rehearse for a whole week before the show, and you got to go back and stand in your spot.
• 37:01
  SPEAKER_01: But you know, you could have done a turn or a twist or look at my dress, look at me, you could do a little curtsy, you could bow for all they care.
• 37:08
  SPEAKER_01: Whatever.
• 37:09
  SPEAKER_01: You could blow a kiss, you could do whatever you wanted to to give it some flair and go up to this, up to the stage, up to the mic.
• 37:16
  SPEAKER_01: They called my number, and I think it was number eight.
• 37:20
  SPEAKER_01: But but before they called me, I'm standing up there and I'm watching everybody go nervous, everybody's nervous.
• 37:25
  SPEAKER_01: But I specifically remember I had gum in my mouth, and a mosquito had recently bit me right under my right butt cheek, and I could not stop scratching my butt.
• 37:42
  SPEAKER_01: Like the whole entire time I'm standing on stage.
• 37:46
  SPEAKER_01: I'm sweating, my makeup is coming off because it's hotter than hell, 4th of July week, and it's humid outside.
• 37:55
  SPEAKER_01: My hair is trying to curl because I have a whole entire can of suave hairspray in it.
• 38:01
  SPEAKER_01: My makeup is running down my face because my face is not used to wearing any of this stuff.
• 38:06
  SPEAKER_01: I'm just hoping that my lipstick hasn't smeared.
• 38:08
  SPEAKER_01: I'm chewing my gum.
• 38:10
  SPEAKER_01: I've got my hands behind my my back, and I'm literally just up there just like scratching away at this mosquito bite right underneath my right butt cheek because it will not stop bothering me.
• 38:23
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm just like, I don't think I really care.
• 38:25
  SPEAKER_01: I'm just up here telling everybody I'm gonna be a peacock, and that's it.
• 38:29
  SPEAKER_01: So I'm watching all the girls and everything else, and they're all got their updos, and they're all looking really cute.
• 38:36
  SPEAKER_01: They got their like bows on their dresses and their ruffled socks, because that was the thing.
• 38:42
  SPEAKER_01: And everybody's looking like a little doll baby, basically.
• 38:44
  SPEAKER_01: So they called number eight, and that was me, and I gave a little cough, put my my gum in my hand, and I walked up and I did a little turnabout.
• 38:54
  SPEAKER_01: I went over to the mic, and they're like, hello Rachel, what do you want to be when you grow up?
• 39:02
  SPEAKER_01: And as proud as day, with my shoulders back and that gum in my hand, looking cute, sweating like no other, I'm gonna be a peacock.
• 39:14
  SPEAKER_01: And the crowd just lost it.
• 39:17
  SPEAKER_01: They're like, What?
• 39:19
  SPEAKER_01: And they're like, Why do you want to be a peacock?
• 39:21
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, so I can show the world my beautiful colors.
• 39:25
  SPEAKER_01: And I wish I had this video.
• 39:28
  SPEAKER_01: I wish I could turn around.
• 39:29
  SPEAKER_01: Like when I turned around and I saw the girls down the street and their mouths and their smirks, some of them are picking their jaws up off the floor, and I'm like, Yeah, that's me.
• 39:41
  SPEAKER_01: I did it.
• 39:42
  SPEAKER_01: And my brother was so proud.
• 39:44
  SPEAKER_01: He's sitting up there with my whole family, and they're all like hooping and hollering because that's just like what we do when we want something to happen.
• 39:51
  SPEAKER_01: We were cheering some people on, you know, like everybody.
• 39:54
  SPEAKER_01: And my mom was at the back of everything, and she's like, Huh, that's my girl.
• 40:02
  SPEAKER_01: She had left.
• 40:04
  SPEAKER_01: She came in, paid the fair money in this expensive fair gate to get in to come watch me tell everybody I was gonna be a peacock.
• 40:12
  SPEAKER_01: And I don't even know that she knew I was gonna be a peacock, so my dad's probably like that ain't gonna make you anybody.
• 40:23
  SPEAKER_01: Oh god.
• 40:25
  SPEAKER_01: So yeah, uh did it.
• 40:29
  SPEAKER_01: I did it.
• 40:30
  SPEAKER_01: And I went back into line and they interviewed everybody else for their world peace and everything else that's going on with them.
• 40:36
  SPEAKER_01: What they wanted to accomplish.
• 40:37
  SPEAKER_01: Probably somebody's gonna be the first vulnerable president, but I'll tell you what, that didn't happen.
• 40:42
  SPEAKER_01: But anyway, they called the winners.
• 40:44
  SPEAKER_01: Second runner up was somebody who didn't live on my street.
• 40:48
  SPEAKER_00: First runner up was me.
• 40:52
  SPEAKER_00: And I just was still scratching my butt and chewing my gum.
• 40:57
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, wow, me?
• 41:02
  SPEAKER_01: Me?
• 41:02
  SPEAKER_01: Say it isn't so.
• 41:04
  SPEAKER_01: And I was just like elated.
• 41:07
  SPEAKER_01: I won in my mind, like I won.
• 41:09
  SPEAKER_01: It didn't matter that I wasn't the winner.
• 41:12
  SPEAKER_01: First of all, you have to go to a lot of places and do a lot of things with that.
• 41:15
  SPEAKER_01: So I didn't care.
• 41:18
  SPEAKER_01: Like I had placed, and no one else on this street who just the day before told me how unworthy I was and ugly and everything else.
• 41:27
  SPEAKER_01: They didn't win.
• 41:28
  SPEAKER_01: I couldn't tell you what any of these people were gonna be.
• 41:32
  SPEAKER_00: That was the first time in my entire life that I remember being in the business of myself.
• 41:40
  SPEAKER_00: I was so proud of me that day.
• 41:44
  SPEAKER_00: It was for real transformational.
• 41:48
  SPEAKER_00: It gave me a boost of confidence, a little bit of a purpose.
• 41:56
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't rub it in to the girls down the street.
• 42:01
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't have to.
• 42:03
  SPEAKER_00: Showing the world my beautiful colors in my authentic, beautifully made dress, my beautiful hairdo, my beautiful makeup, my beautiful shoes.
• 42:30
  SPEAKER_00: But I did it.
• 42:32
  SPEAKER_00: I showed up for myself for the very first time.
• 42:37
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes it takes somebody, like my brother Adam.
• 42:44
  SPEAKER_00: That was who I got to have.
• 42:47
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes it takes somebody to help you see your worth.
• 42:52
  SPEAKER_00: What do you have to lose?
• 42:54
  SPEAKER_00: If you've already feeling like you've lost it all, what do you have to lose?
• 43:00
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes it takes somebody just I dare ya.
• 43:05
  SPEAKER_00: The nudge here for all of this to say is receive the ones that see you for who you are.
• 43:21
  SPEAKER_00: I could have received my mom that day.
• 43:25
  SPEAKER_00: I wish you could just see yourself how I see you.
• 43:29
  SPEAKER_00: Instead of you have to say that.
• 43:32
  SPEAKER_00: You're my mom.
• 43:34
  SPEAKER_00: It meant something different.
• 43:40
  SPEAKER_01: When to me, when I was dare ya, when my brother put in perspective, you already think you're gonna lose.
• 43:50
  SPEAKER_01: What do you have to lose if you go up there and tell him you want to be a peacock?
• 43:54
  SPEAKER_01: Just two kids having a conversation and making fun of whatever life game we were in at the time.
• 44:03
  SPEAKER_01: And maybe that's all you need is just to make fun of the situation just a little bit to get out of it what you really need to accomplish so you can get to the other side and fulfill the business of yourself.
• 44:17
  SPEAKER_00: And that's where it's at.
• 44:19
  SPEAKER_00: Like, what is that tiny little squeak?
• 44:23
  SPEAKER_00: What does it matter if you trod something different?
• 44:28
  SPEAKER_00: Because I'll leave you today with some of these thoughts love and light, my friend.
• 44:35
  SPEAKER_00: Love and light.