Latest / Pretty In Pink Again / Episode 54: The Confidence Crisis in Girls: How to Raise Mentally Strong Daughters in 2026 with Dr. Christine Lang

Transcript

Episode 54: The Confidence Crisis in Girls: How to Raise Mentally Strong Daughters in 2026 with Dr. Christine Lang · Pretty In Pink Again

• 0:05
  I'm Christina and I'm t and this is the Pretty and Pink Again podcast where Motherhood meets rediscovery.
• 0:21
  Before we start this episode, Christine and I looked at each other and said, if we are gonna talk about raising mentally strong girls, we need to do that with.
• 0:30
  Dr.
• 0:30
  Christine Lang.
• 0:31
  And also we need to get our shit together first before we can even think about bringing them into this.
• 0:36
  social media starts younger comparison cultures everywhere.
• 0:39
  Friendship, drama happens online and in person.
• 0:42
  And the pressure to look perfect, act perfect and be perfect just starts shockingly earlier and earlier.
• 0:47
  And the tricky part is a lot of us are still figuring out our own confidence as women, while we're raising daughters who are watching every single thing we're doing.
• 0:55
  Exactly.
• 0:56
  I'm raising these twin girls and sometimes I catch myself thinking, am I giving my daughters the tools they need to feel confident and mentally strong in this world?
• 1:04
  So today we brought somebody in who I trust with basically everything, behavior, parenting, life advice, emotional regulation and honestly, sometimes my own sanity.
• 1:13
  And she is our first returning guest.
• 1:15
  Today we are joined by one of my favorite humans, Dr.
• 1:18
  Christine Lang.
• 1:19
  She's the behavior specialist and expert in emotional regulation and child development, and she's also one of my closest friends.
• 1:25
  She's a mom of four.
• 1:26
  She's the person I call when I'm like, is this normal behavior she is basically a professional fixer and a really, really good follow uper, which as busy moms, we appreciate.
• 1:36
  Welcome back.
• 1:37
  Hi.
• 1:38
  Thank you so much for having me.
• 1:39
  I'm so excited.
• 1:40
  I know our first returner we had you in the seat when it was a long time ago.
• 1:44
  You are our first guest feel, is it like in March of last year, which is, it was like almost a year ago, which is insane.
• 1:49
  I think it was right around the same time.
• 1:50
  Yes, I know.
• 1:51
  So we're so excited to have you back your episode the power of pause.
• 1:55
  It was one of our most downloaded episodes of the entire year.
• 1:59
  So we're just so excited to have you and also one of, one of those like bookmark episodes mm-hmm.
• 2:04
  That I feel like you can revisit time and time again.
• 2:08
  So thank you for coming back on.
• 2:09
  Thank you.
• 2:10
  It was probably because I just re downloaded it.
• 2:13
  57.
• 2:13
  No, no, no, no.
• 2:14
  Couldn't be possible.
• 2:15
  No, I told you, you only are as good as that one.
• 2:18
  Yeah.
• 2:19
  Right now your friends and family, well, we can't speak for them, but, well then you're very popular.
• 2:24
  Because it was a highly downloaded episode.
• 2:26
  So thank you for coming back again today.
• 2:28
  Thank you for having me.
• 2:29
  We've been talking about having you come back on again and.
• 2:33
  We had given you like a couple of different talking points in what we could discuss and you chose this one out of like the list of a couple of things.
• 2:41
  And I'm so happy that you decided on this topic.
• 2:44
  'cause it falls actually on the heels of me just getting off of a dance competition with my 7-year-old daughter for the weekend and yesterday.
• 2:53
  When I was doing the mic check, because in case our listeners didn't know my volume was, uh, not exactly great for the Lauren McBride podcast'cause we had a dog chewing through a cord situation, but, and t's voice is already a little bit softer than mine.
• 3:07
  So my voice was projecting per usual, and hers was a little bit softer than it should have been.
• 3:12
  So we apologize for that.
• 3:13
  But yes, so I did a mic check with Camille yesterday and we recorded a mini podcast.
• 3:18
  And then when I had her in the seat checking all the, you know, all the audio, I was asking her like, do you think that you're confident?
• 3:24
  Do you think that you're strong?
• 3:25
  What does that mean to you?
• 3:26
  And it was so interesting hearing her response and she immediately started talking about the dance competition and she was relating it to.
• 3:34
  I think it's strong that I go on stage.
• 3:36
  I think I'm strong that I was able to perform, but what I don't like is all of the direction that I'm getting before I go on stage.
• 3:44
  And I'm like, oh, what do you mean by that?
• 3:45
  And she meant, you are telling me one thing, another mom is telling me something else.
• 3:49
  The coach is saying something else.
• 3:50
  The girls are saying something that's too many messages.
• 3:54
  I'm so confused.
• 3:55
  And I wanted to bring that up how I equate to raising my daughter strong and being mentally strong to a situation like that, that there's so many mixed messages out there, so right from a seven year old's mouth.
• 4:09
  And sometimes that's where we get the best guidance, right From them.
• 4:12
  Right from them.
• 4:13
  So you posed this question to your daughter.
• 4:16
  In preparation for coming on today, I was thinking, well, if I'm going to be to be speaking about what some of the pressures are that girls are facing, then I should really hear it directly instead of what I think, because I think that's part of it is that we have to do a lot more listening.
• 4:34
  So I asked what are some of the biggest emotional pressures, and just to summarize, it was a combination of all these variables, like doing schoolwork, taking tests, running to sports friends, and I guess it's things that we do on a daily basis with our kids and we don't realize how much mental effort is going into leaving in the morning, picking out their outfit.
• 5:02
  Going through the whole school day and then revving up to do the next half of the day.
• 5:06
  Like on the other side, we are running around getting stuff together, being the driver, doing all the things.
• 5:12
  And I always thought like, I'm here, she's hopping in the car and we're off to the next thing.
• 5:17
  Not really thinking about all the stuff that's like swirling around in her little brain.
• 5:21
  Do you think that girls are actually struggling more than other generations because there's more pressure, there's more to do, or do you think that this has just always been around and that they're our daughters now, so we're seeing it?
• 5:34
  I think it's a combination of both really.
• 5:37
  Because when we were younger, and let's say we played sports, it was in our town.
• 5:42
  Mm-hmm.
• 5:42
  Our parents drove us five to 10 minutes to practice or a game you played against the kids in your neighborhood.
• 5:48
  You went out for ice cream after you came home.
• 5:51
  Now simpler times, right?
• 5:52
  Like now a lot of the activities that we engage in, and I'm a hockey parent, so I can speak directly about that.
• 5:59
  We could be driving two hours to a game.
• 6:03
  And then two hours back.
• 6:04
  And so the entire day is spent on this like 36 minutes to 40 minutes of hockey.
• 6:11
  And so yes, all the issues I think that girls are facing were happening when, when we were younger obviously, but the demands are a lot greater today just given all of the, you know, the different dance teams and the competitive dance programs and the cheer and swimming and sports, like everything is at a much higher competitive level and it requires more travel, more time commitment, and there doesn't really seem to be downtime.
• 6:40
  Yeah, my kids are little, so I'm not in this world yet.
• 6:43
  And that's such a good point.
• 6:44
  Is it because like the extracurricular activities just got more intense?
• 6:48
  Like are there just more programs or is it us?
• 6:51
  Like, is it our generation that's like signing the kids up?
• 6:54
  Is it, its almost like our generation, it's us eliminated park and rec.
• 6:57
  Yeah.
• 6:57
  Is it like our generation that's just like super competitive and we're signing the kids up or walk me through that.
• 7:03
  I guess both of you, because that's foreign to me.
• 7:06
  I mean you're right, because if we didn't sign them up, then we wouldn't be doing it.
• 7:10
  Yes.
• 7:10
  Like it's, I'm just kind of trying to figure out, I guess where like, it's almost like these are the options.
• 7:15
  So for instance, like Joseph's playing hockey, there is no park and rec hockey program.
• 7:21
  There's only a travel hockey program.
• 7:23
  Okay.
• 7:23
  And the hockey program is from August to March.
• 7:26
  Right?
• 7:26
  I'm not making that schedule.
• 7:27
  We're following a program.
• 7:29
  And also I should mention that this program is on a scale of one to 10, like 10 being Probably where you're most team kids play kids for hockey?
• 7:36
  Yeah.
• 7:37
  We're at like a one.
• 7:38
  Wow.
• 7:38
  Like we travel in state.
• 7:39
  Yeah.
• 7:40
  We have one game Saturday, one game Sunday.
• 7:41
  Like, and that's probably as close to park and rec as you're gonna get.
• 7:45
  And all the travel teams is their like tryouts and stuff.
• 7:48
  'cause I feel like this is just, I'm thinking about like what I used to grow up doing and I feel like to your point, it, it was more.
• 7:55
  Okay.
• 7:56
  You just sign up and everybody in town is doing it and it's, you're with your friends.
• 8:00
  And I feel like right now everybody is doing this for like the accolades and like that they did it like, it's like to put it on a resume.
• 8:08
  That's what I would feel like, that it's like, I don't know if it's all that, because I do think that they're there because they enjoy it.
• 8:14
  Yes.
• 8:14
  You know, if, yeah.
• 8:15
  Certainly I think that that's something that they keep in the back of their head.
• 8:18
  Yeah.
• 8:18
  That, yeah.
• 8:19
  It's good.
• 8:20
  Look, will look good on a resume someday.
• 8:21
  Yeah.
• 8:21
  I'm sure that you're lying if you don't think that in your head, but also, like for instance, dance, like we signed up for dance usually, like when I was a kid, I danced, I took a class and then there was a recital in May.
• 8:32
  Right now they offer dance teams, right?
• 8:34
  So if you have an option as a little girl who loves to dance, to get to dance more and get to perform more, you're gonna choose that.
• 8:41
  So I don't know if there was as many options.
• 8:43
  When we were growing up, there's more options now.
• 8:45
  So you can pick it and as the parent, you just say, yes.
• 8:48
  Yes.
• 8:49
  You just say yes.
• 8:49
  And then you sit behind the mic and you're like, why is my kid so emotionally dysregulated?
• 8:54
  Yeah.
• 8:54
  And I'm like dissecting their day, just like you said, your daughter gave you a breakdown of her day and you're like, oh yeah, that's a lot for you.
• 9:01
  So it's like the perfect storm.
• 9:02
  So it's, there are more options for curricular activities and then it's our generation kind of being like we're more, more, more like, do more, keep them busy.
• 9:12
  It makes everybody happy.
• 9:14
  You know, you want them exposed to new things.
• 9:16
  Like, I'm just trying to figure out, I guess like why we even get ourselves in this position.
• 9:21
  Right.
• 9:21
  But, and then obviously from there stems a lot of, I don't wanna say issues, but like, well, you know, yeah.
• 9:27
  I think issues can awry.
• 9:28
  Yeah.
• 9:28
  And also I think there's a lot of messages and these are all things I wanna discuss with you today as the professional, that we do these things for fun.
• 9:35
  Right.
• 9:36
  You compete for fun, you play a game for fun, losing is not fun.
• 9:41
  So then your kids figure that out pretty quickly.
• 9:44
  That losing is not fun.
• 9:45
  So then they wanna win, and then there's pressure to win.
• 9:47
  So I feel like there, that's also in my world right now, like this perfect storm okay, fine.
• 9:52
  If you wanna win, then you have to do an extra practice or you have to work harder.
• 9:56
  And then that adds to your right wow list.
• 9:59
  And then you're like, oh.
• 10:00
  And then you look at it, you're like, how did we get here?
• 10:02
  Yeah, okay, well here we are.
• 10:04
  No, absolutely.
• 10:05
  And I, I wanna circle back to what you said earlier when I was asking my daughter, the one thing that she kept repeating, whether it was school or sports or friends, was people will judge you.
• 10:17
  And I said, well, you know, what does that mean?
• 10:19
  And she said, well, mom, the other day I was running around getting dressed for school.
• 10:24
  And I put on these leggings, they were flare leggings.
• 10:27
  And then she said, in your time, you might say the expression, they're not in.
• 10:32
  She's like, we don't say that.
• 10:33
  But when I got to school.
• 10:35
  People were asking me like, why am I wearing those?
• 10:38
  Wow.
• 10:38
  And so then I felt like I was being judged because of my clothes.
• 10:42
  Or if I get a bad grade, I feel like people will judge me and think I'm not smart, or my parents would be mad at me.
• 10:49
  And so I just kept saying, and then what?
• 10:51
  And then what?
• 10:52
  And it, and then she said, well, then nobody will like me and then I won't have any friends.
• 10:56
  And then she said, even if they're not judging me, it's still in the back of my mindset that I'm being judged.
• 11:04
  And I just sat there like processing all the things that she was saying, thinking like, how do you help girls?
• 11:12
  Yeah.
• 11:12
  When this might be, and I'm not saying every girl thinks like this.
• 11:16
  Yeah.
• 11:16
  It's just a snapshot.
• 11:18
  But as you mentioned earlier, Christina, like social media, you are seeing everything that everyone else is doing.
• 11:25
  So, for example, kids that are seniors, girls that are seniors in high school right now are seeing where everyone is committing to college because they have these super cute, fancy pictures like where they're going.
• 11:37
  And if you didn't commit anywhere yet.
• 11:39
  It's like you're out, you're left out of that what's happening And tomorrow everybody finds out what high school they get into.
• 11:45
  And that's a whole big thing like for the boarding school team.
• 11:47
  So that's even starts even younger.
• 11:48
  We didn't have that when we were a kid.
• 11:49
  We went to one school, the public school in town.
• 11:51
  For the most part, I'm generalizing.
• 11:53
  No, absolutely.
• 11:54
  And so kids are seeing where people are getting committed for sports or you know, dance or who won first place in the competition.
• 12:02
  And so all of those things, it almost makes sense why you would perceive you're constantly being judged because you're seeing people putting, as you mentioned earlier, all of this stuff out there.
• 12:15
  And that's when you're looking, that's what you're seeing.
• 12:18
  We do it too, right?
• 12:19
  Mm-hmm.
• 12:19
  Like I would, wouldn't be honest if I didn't say I went on Facebook to see or Instagram this perfect family photo of another mom in town and was like, oh wow.
• 12:28
  She looks like she's got it all together and I don't know the last time I washed my hair.
• 12:34
  We talk about that all the time.
• 12:35
  We've been sitting in these chairs and we've, we've admitted the things that we do to compare ourselves and that's why this is such an interesting topic.
• 12:42
  Yeah.
• 12:42
  Because we do it as human beings, as women.
• 12:46
  I think it's so easy to do that.
• 12:49
  It's easier to just like look and scroll and compare and.
• 12:54
  Then we have these little girls watching us do that.
• 12:57
  And sometimes I even out loud say something, you know, and I don't even mean to, but it's just, it's easier to do that than to not do that, honestly.
• 13:05
  Right.
• 13:05
  And I'm, I mean, I'm guilty of it.
• 13:07
  I posted on Instagram that Mila's group got number one'cause I was so proud of them for getting number one.
• 13:12
  But I realize on, and that's okay too.
• 13:13
  But I'm just saying, but I'm playing into it.
• 13:15
  You know?
• 13:16
  Yes.
• 13:16
  I wasn't trying to do it so I could brag or have somebody feel bad when they received that information.
• 13:22
  I was doing it just'cause I was, we were there for 12 hours and they finally placed and they did great.
• 13:27
  Mm-hmm.
• 13:27
  You know, and we didn't even think they were gonna get up on stage.
• 13:30
  But somebody might think, see that and then say, oh well I, is my daughter doing enough or is my family doing enough?
• 13:36
  It's just so you know.
• 13:37
  Yeah.
• 13:37
  And I think I mentioned this the last time I was on the podcast, that I had worked with a clinician on like self-led leadership.
• 13:48
  And one of the main things that we sort of always talked about was that your confidence has to come from within.
• 13:54
  It can't be because you received validation from someone else.
• 13:58
  And I talk to my girls a lot about this, like it feels great when someone tells you, you did a great job.
• 14:04
  Yeah.
• 14:04
  And it feels great when you receive reinforcement from a coach or a teacher or a friend says That outfit looks pretty, but it can't be the thing that keeps you going and that gives you confidence.
• 14:16
  So to kind of reiterate that, yes, it feels good, but it can't be, the only thing that you're banking on in terms of your own self-confidence is what is being said about you externally, because then it works the other way.
• 14:30
  Right?
• 14:30
  Then when you hear not nice things about yourself.
• 14:33
  You gauge your own self.
• 14:35
  Self worth about that.
• 14:36
  Believe that.
• 14:36
  So that's why it really has to come from within.
• 14:38
  I love that.
• 14:38
  I agree.
• 14:39
  But I think so we have to almost go from the ground up.
• 14:42
  Right?
• 14:42
  So that's so important.
• 14:44
  And I always talk about how I'm like a negative self talker.
• 14:48
  I'm working on it.
• 14:49
  But how do you change that then?
• 14:51
  Or how do you build that from the ground up because I, again, I think so much of this is comes to from kids just watch what their parents are doing or they watch who's around them and they learn these things.
• 15:03
  And I think the easiest thing to do is to just learn the right way.
• 15:08
  So how do you then talk to yourself and build confidence?
• 15:11
  We get asked about confidence all the time, right?
• 15:13
  So I think that this is like really important, I was at my daughter's senior hockey banquet the other day, and one of the captains who is graduating.
• 15:22
  Had shared a quote and it said, well done, is better than well said.
• 15:26
  And I thought about that on my drive home.
• 15:30
  And to answer your question, it's not, it is about what they hear us saying, but it's about what we do in terms of teaching them that they can do hard things and that's where it starts.
• 15:39
  Mm-hmm.
• 15:39
  So they're struggling opening a package.
• 15:42
  Mm-hmm.
• 15:43
  Just let them struggle.
• 15:44
  Let them try to open the package instead of swooping in and saying, give that to me.
• 15:48
  Or, again, as my older daughter who's almost 17, that was my first experience in parenting, obviously.
• 15:55
  And so I like to think that I learned a lot along the way, but if she was like, no, I don't wanna go.
• 16:01
  I can't do it.
• 16:01
  I probably turned the car around and went to Starbucks and came home.
• 16:05
  And then learned over time, like every time you don't make your kids do something hard and you quote unquote rescue them.
• 16:13
  It's almost like you're saying, you're right.
• 16:15
  I don't think you could do it right.
• 16:16
  Let's go home.
• 16:17
  It almost becomes like their internal voice then it's like they then they're like, oh, okay.
• 16:21
  It's like almost confirming, right?
• 16:23
  So in terms of how do you build this confidence, it's about teaching them that they can do hard things and letting them do it, letting them struggle.
• 16:33
  It hurts and it's heartbreaking to see your kids going through something difficult, and there's a fine line between being supportive versus rescuing and solving their problems.
• 16:43
  I'm not saying you just throw them in the pool without a life vest.
• 16:46
  Yeah, yeah.
• 16:46
  You have to work through teaching them the skills to facilitate this level of confidence, but.
• 16:55
  Having them do things and seeing that they can do it is how you build it.
• 16:59
  And afterwards saying in a calmer moment, like, I know that was really hard, like I am really proud of your effort.
• 17:06
  And talking more back to like all the accolades.
• 17:09
  Mm-hmm.
• 17:09
  Not about the game winning goal, not about the first place, but you worked really hard this week.
• 17:15
  How do you feel about yourself?
• 17:16
  Are you so proud of yourself?
• 17:18
  So letting them answer that instead of saying, I'm so proud of you.
• 17:21
  Like, how do you feel about yourself?
• 17:24
  And letting them express their own feeling.
• 17:28
  And also again, putting the emphasis on the process, not as much the outcome.
• 17:34
  Right.
• 17:34
  It sounds like.
• 17:36
  One of the biggest things you could do wrong in parenting is accidentally like weakening their confidence.
• 17:42
  Yeah.
• 17:42
  In by saying, great job.
• 17:46
  You got num, you got an A, or you got first place, or you did this.
• 17:49
  Or like,'cause that almost, I feel like, builds more pressure for them to maybe keep it up instead of pinging it to them about like, how do you think this went?
• 17:58
  Or how do you feel after this went well?
• 18:00
  Or like, how do you feel after this moment?
• 18:03
  Like, that seems like the true, the building of the confidence.
• 18:06
  Yeah.
• 18:06
  Because it becomes about people pleasing, which I feel like is, you know, which is Right where, where you're just like, your entire confidence is based off of making mom happy.
• 18:15
  Yes.
• 18:16
  After, or making whoever happy, so that's a very, you're nodding and smiling.
• 18:20
  Yeah.
• 18:20
  Well, because obviously if your child does something wonderful, you're happy.
• 18:24
  Yes.
• 18:25
  Sure.
• 18:26
  Yes.
• 18:26
  You're beyond happy about it and so it would be silly to say.
• 18:30
  Forget it.
• 18:30
  Never say, I'm so proud of you.
• 18:32
  You got a hundred on your test.
• 18:33
  Yes.
• 18:33
  But what we want to start saying is things like, I'm so proud of you worked so hard for that.
• 18:38
  Right.
• 18:38
  Or so putting, like I said, your praise should have behavior specific comments about the process, not about the outcome.
• 18:47
  And interesting.
• 18:48
  My, my daughter, interestingly, my daughter also said sometimes, and I think Camila said this too, like, I'm trying really hard, but it doesn't receive the outcome.
• 18:58
  I was hoping, and then it feels like a failure.
• 19:02
  Mm-hmm.
• 19:02
  Mm-hmm.
• 19:03
  I did every single thing I could do.
• 19:05
  And that's another thing that I don't know if my kids believe this, but I don't really care about their grades, their numerical grade.
• 19:11
  Like, they'll call and be like, mom, you're gonna be so mad.
• 19:14
  I got blah, blah, blah.
• 19:15
  And I say like, did you study and do every single thing you could?
• 19:19
  And if they say yes, then I say, then.
• 19:22
  That's the best you could do.
• 19:23
  I'm proud of you.
• 19:24
  If you feel like you need more help with this, we can get you a tutor or do whatever if you want to work more on this.
• 19:31
  Or if they say, no, I don't really, I could have done more.
• 19:34
  Then I say like, all right, well let's remember that because next time you have this question posed, you don't wanna have anything left on the table that you knew you could have done more.
• 19:43
  Mm-hmm.
• 19:43
  Right.
• 19:44
  So you're putting emphasis on the process, the study habits, not necessarily the outcome, which I also think is a useful tool when you have multiple children.
• 19:50
  'cause you could have one kid who just wakes up, rolls outta bed and takes the test and ACEs it, and then another kid that like did the flashcards, put in the time, worked hard and just barely passes.
• 20:01
  And that should be rewarded versus just the roll outta bed a kid.
• 20:06
  Definitely I think everybody who listens know which kid is that.
• 20:11
  Yeah.
• 20:11
  For which kid is that for me?
• 20:13
  But I called you about Camila's dance competition because she got fourth place and we cheer for every place.
• 20:20
  We are just happy she got up on stage.
• 20:21
  We make that very clear.
• 20:22
  Mm-hmm.
• 20:22
  Like you're seven years old and you got up on stage.
• 20:24
  Mm-hmm.
• 20:24
  Like, that's a big deal.
• 20:26
  But when I was interviewing her yesterday, she was like, but mom, I got fourth place and I'm really happy about my fourth place, but I did everything I was supposed to do when I got fourth place.
• 20:36
  Like, why that stinks?
• 20:39
  And I said, I know sometimes you put in the effort and it doesn't work out the way you had hoped.
• 20:43
  That's just part of life.
• 20:45
  Yeah.
• 20:45
  And we kind of left it there.
• 20:47
  There was really nothing more to work through.
• 20:49
  There was no like putting down the first, second, and third place winner.
• 20:53
  True.
• 20:53
  There.
• 20:53
  It was just kind of like, right.
• 20:55
  Alright, are you having fun?
• 20:57
  You did your best.
• 20:58
  You practiced, you did all the things.
• 20:59
  You know, we.
• 21:00
  Talked about the process, and then we moved forward.
• 21:03
  But in my back of my head, I was like, what the, where did she get fourth place?
• 21:06
  Yeah.
• 21:07
  And it's so easy.
• 21:07
  She did everything.
• 21:08
  And it's so easy.
• 21:09
  You've talked about this before too, how easy it is, like you just said, to then put it on somebody like to almost blame somebody else and kind of put them down in the meantime, and then you're not like teaching them kind of how to accept the outcome either without putting someone else down that way.
• 21:25
  So that, I'm proud of you that you talked to her about that and, and didn't put anybody else down.
• 21:30
  That's what we want.
• 21:30
  I should share some of her footage at the end of this podcast as a bonus episode.
• 21:35
  What are some things that moms say specifically to their daughters?
• 21:39
  And this could work, I'm assuming for all children, but specifically mothers and daughters that weaken their confidence when they don't mean to.
• 21:47
  It's things that we say kind of just naturally without even realizing it.
• 21:51
  Like, what's wrong with you?
• 21:52
  Why would you do that?
• 21:55
  Today, your room is disgusting.
• 21:57
  What is wrong with you?
• 21:58
  You're a slob.
• 21:59
  Again, these are things that our parents might have said to us.
• 22:02
  Yeah.
• 22:02
  And is it the end of the world?
• 22:04
  No.
• 22:04
  But they hear our voice and instead of saying like, what's wrong with you?
• 22:09
  Why can't you listen?
• 22:11
  How can we rephrase that?
• 22:12
  And sometimes I tell parents, like, think about if your child's teacher was speaking the way you are to your child right now, or their coach, would you be happy with the way that person is talking to your child?
• 22:24
  Usually the answer's no.
• 22:26
  And then it leads me to say, well, like, let's try to rephrase some of these things because it essentially repeatedly weakens their own self-esteem when their parent is saying, what's wrong with you?
• 22:39
  Over and over other things again, which I know I've said this and I'm tremendously working on it, but you are so dramatic.
• 22:47
  That's ridiculous.
• 22:48
  Mm-hmm.
• 22:49
  You're being so sensitive.
• 22:50
  Mm-hmm.
• 22:51
  Just relax.
• 22:53
  That doesn't help.
• 22:54
  Right?
• 22:54
  And so another little tip I like to do too is when one of my daughters is telling me something and they're clearly very upset and I, I'm listening, but I'm also thinking, what am I going to say now?
• 23:05
  What am I going to say now?
• 23:06
  And I'm trying to like think about the best thing.
• 23:08
  So I also say like, if I were saying this to my spouse or partner or friend, what would I want to hear back right now?
• 23:16
  Would I want them to say to me, it's really not that big of a deal.
• 23:19
  You'll get over it.
• 23:20
  Don't worry.
• 23:21
  No, it's infuriating.
• 23:23
  Right?
• 23:23
  So yes, literally.
• 23:24
  Yep.
• 23:24
  We would lose our minds.
• 23:26
  Right?
• 23:26
  So the thinking about what you would want to hear in that moment is a helpful thing.
• 23:32
  And also just listening a lot of times, and I might've said this on the last podcast, but one of the best pieces of advice I got from the kids' pediatricians when they were very young was when your child is upset and they start telling you something, you can say, do you want me to be the listening mom right now?
• 23:48
  Or the listening plus advice, mom.
• 23:51
  They'll either say like, I just want you to listen.
• 23:53
  I don't want you to try to solve anything.
• 23:55
  And then I know what they need from me.
• 23:57
  Or they'll tell me something and I'll say like, do you want my advice or do you just want me to keep listening?
• 24:03
  So really listening to listen, not to solve their problems.
• 24:08
  Yeah.
• 24:08
  Insert your own opinions.
• 24:10
  Right?
• 24:10
  Yeah.
• 24:10
  And my daughter said the same thing.
• 24:12
  She said, when I'm telling you something, sometimes you're so quick to take the other person's side before I finish.
• 24:20
  And I said, I'm sorry that I, I do do that.
• 24:23
  And it's probably because I feel like it's a teachable moment, like something's happening and I want, you're try to, you're putting yourself in that person's shoes, right?
• 24:30
  Like I want you to see what it, the other side also.
• 24:33
  Mm-hmm.
• 24:34
  And she said, that's fine, but can you do it later when I'm calm?
• 24:37
  And I said, yeah, that's perfect.
• 24:39
  And that is again, the advice I would give other parents.
• 24:42
  But sometimes it's hard as the mom yourself because you're so emotionally invested.
• 24:46
  So.
• 24:48
  Important.
• 24:49
  I guess summary of this little piece is that you listen to your kids, you ask if they want advice or they, they just want you to listen and that's it.
• 24:58
  Like you, you try to feel the most empathetic that you can, but you don't have to minimize their feelings.
• 25:08
  So I sort of talk about, listen, try to restate what they're saying so you have clarity, validate it, and then when they're more regulated in a calmer time, you can talk about solutions.
• 25:20
  That is so helpful and I feel like just even putting it back on, like, what would you want to hear if you were in this position?
• 25:27
  Is it like simplifies it, you know, and I just putting yourself, it takes you down from having to be the solver all the time and like have to be the one to figure everything out to just like, yeah.
• 25:37
  I feel like, what's the mantra in your house?
• 25:39
  Big hug.
• 25:41
  Yeah, my kids, well, I, I would say it all the time.
• 25:43
  Sometimes I just need a big hug.
• 25:45
  And it's usually like when I'm having like my own like little tantrum about something that's really all I need is I just need someone to be like, it's fine.
• 25:53
  Like, just give me hug, you know, like kind of hug me and calm me down.
• 25:56
  And so that became the thing with the kids where we say, do you just need a big hug?
• 26:00
  And they do, A lot of the time they need someone to be like, it don't need to solve it.
• 26:03
  Okay.
• 26:04
  Like, it's fine.
• 26:05
  You're upset, it's fine.
• 26:06
  It's, it's okay to be upset.
• 26:08
  I'm gonna give you a hug through it.
• 26:09
  And it works, you know?
• 26:11
  And big hug.
• 26:11
  Yeah.
• 26:12
  A big hug.
• 26:14
  Today's podcast is sponsored by Owen Skincare.
• 26:17
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• 26:23
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• 26:33
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• 26:45
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• 27:06
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• 27:10
  And another thing that I've been finding helpful too, and that I share a lot with the families that I work with is being honest.
• 27:17
  Like, sometimes my daughter might call and she's really upset and she's telling me something on and on and on.
• 27:23
  Mm-hmm.
• 27:24
  And I don't say anything and she'll say like, you're not saying anything.
• 27:27
  And I say.
• 27:29
  I'm sorry sweetie, like I actually don't know what to say.
• 27:32
  My heart is sad because you are so sad and I'm listening and I just, I'm here and I'm going to keep listening and I don't really know what to say right now, but you can, keep sharing and that might be helpful or not helpful, but you don't always have to have the answer, right.
• 27:49
  Your daughter is so.
• 27:51
  Like in tune with you.
• 27:53
  And she's so attracted to you and she just like always wants to be around you.
• 27:57
  And I like witnessed this firsthand, you know, whereas I wanted to like get space from my mother'cause I feel like she would like talk my ear off and try to solve my problems.
• 28:06
  But you really, I've seen you, you just, you stay quiet with her until she kind of looks to you for like, okay, now weigh in now.
• 28:13
  Yeah.
• 28:13
  And then you do.
• 28:14
  But I mean, isn't that what every mother wants?
• 28:16
  They wanna have a daughter who like, wants to be near them.
• 28:19
  Like, isn't that the goal?
• 28:21
  Like yes.
• 28:21
  But it took a lot of effort, right?
• 28:23
  And put a lot of work into this and go, like I said earlier, right?
• 28:28
  But my connecting with a clinician, I'm saying that because this works.
• 28:30
  Yeah, I guess so.
• 28:32
  But yes, like, and in terms of the regulation piece, you'll say like, oh, she's so strong and I'll share that.
• 28:40
  She is, a couple of weeks ago, she got hurt at hockey and broke her collarbone.
• 28:45
  And thankfully we have the most amazing neighbors and friends who got her all set up and she was seen and had surgery within like an hour from her accident maybe.
• 28:55
  Um, oh my God.
• 28:57
  And she'll be so strong and tough through the whole thing.
• 29:00
  And then we're in the car and her sister spills her hibachi noodles, and it is like the world has just imploded and so there's almost no rhyme or reason sometimes.
• 29:11
  Mm-hmm.
• 29:12
  You can't really predict what is happening inside of your daughter's brain.
• 29:17
  Also with emotions, especially at the teenage level, because developmentally it's the most difficult time period where the most amount of change is happening in your body and your brain.
• 29:31
  Four girls.
• 29:32
  I know I wanted to get into that.
• 29:33
  'cause the next piece of this is like hormones versus disrespect.
• 29:38
  And you kind of teed it off with that last comment because again, this is a big one in our house and I'm sure it's only gonna get bigger as they get older.
• 29:47
  But how can moms tell the difference between they're a teen having these like hormone fluctuations versus like they are just outright being disrespectful?
• 29:58
  I would say there's no differentiation or there's no need to differentiate.
• 30:02
  Right.
• 30:02
  Okay.
• 30:02
  Because yes, they're going through lots of things hormonally and developmentally, and so if they're speaking in a rude tone or they're being disrespectful, whether it's because of hormones or not, it, the behavior's still happening.
• 30:17
  So you don't give a pass.
• 30:18
  Yes and no.
• 30:18
  Yes and no.
• 30:19
  Um, how do you respond to that?
• 30:21
  And there's, I, we already know that our phones listen to us, right?
• 30:25
  Mm-hmm.
• 30:25
  Because all these mo the most amazing things, we'll scroll when I'm looking through things.
• 30:30
  So I saw this one thing that I love and we can share it after, but it says the louder your child gets, the quieter you should be.
• 30:36
  Mm-hmm.
• 30:37
  The angrier your child becomes the gentler you should become, the meaner your child is, the kinder you should be.
• 30:43
  Now again, that is not what we are used to, right?
• 30:46
  From growing up, the parenting styles were very different.
• 30:50
  But when your child is disrespectful and you match that, it's just not going to, we talked about this, but it won't have any impact.
• 30:58
  Like, it's not going to help the situation.
• 31:00
  It's only going to exacerbate it.
• 31:03
  So when kids are speaking disrespectfully, the best thing to do is not respond.
• 31:08
  You could pick a stock phrase like you can be upset, but you can't be mean.
• 31:13
  You can be really sad right now, but you can't be disrespectful.
• 31:16
  If you feel like ignoring it doesn't feel good in your soul.
• 31:20
  Yeah.
• 31:20
  And you, you need to say something sometimes that would be like, it's almost, and I feel like even for somebody who's being ignored, it almost like fires them up a little bit more.
• 31:28
  So I like having a phrase, well, let me rephrase then.
• 31:30
  It's not like we're just blatantly ignoring, it's that we aren't responding to being spoken to in that tone.
• 31:36
  Right.
• 31:36
  You're not engaging back, you're, I'm not giving it any airtime because A, by responding back, you're almost reinforcing the behavior, right?
• 31:43
  Because you're giving it an answer and it's not something we want to happen again.
• 31:47
  So I'm not going to engage in this back and forth because it's not productive and it's not kind.
• 31:52
  And then secondly, it only again makes the situation worse.
• 31:56
  I was in CVS once, you know those little racks that of the books near the prescription thing?
• 32:01
  Yeah.
• 32:01
  Mm-hmm.
• 32:02
  And it said.
• 32:04
  You can't get into a fight with someone if they don't give you the keys or something.
• 32:08
  And I was, I always think of that because it takes two people to engage in an altercation.
• 32:12
  Mm-hmm.
• 32:13
  Mm-hmm.
• 32:13
  So if you don't engage, there's no fighting.
• 32:15
  And so that doesn't mean we're letting it happen and we're accepting the disrespect.
• 32:20
  It means my child is dysregulated right now.
• 32:23
  They're being disrespectful.
• 32:26
  Even if I try to correct it right now, they don't have any sense of rationale.
• 32:30
  They're not accessible to hear me.
• 32:32
  Whatever they're hearing is going to not work.
• 32:34
  Mm-hmm.
• 32:35
  So I tend to let that moment ride out.
• 32:38
  Again, you could pick that stock phrase if you want to say something, but it has to be very neutral.
• 32:44
  And then later on that night, the next day, like what was going on for you in the car?
• 32:49
  Like you clearly were really upset.
• 32:51
  I get it.
• 32:52
  But you can't speak to me like that, like.
• 32:55
  You can be angry.
• 32:56
  We're supposed to feel all the feelings, but that's not productive.
• 33:01
  Then talk about other strategies, because I think what happens is we get into so many cycles where kids get in trouble for the way they're speaking, but then we're not teaching them what to do with those feelings instead, right.
• 33:12
  They're just getting punished for being rude.
• 33:13
  Right.
• 33:13
  And you're also not getting to like the root of what, what they were upset about because it's just sometimes the bad behavior takes over what they were even upset about and it almost like clouds it.
• 33:23
  And so then you're not even getting to the root of the problem anyway, or they're not even getting to express how they were feeling, so you have to suppress it, so what would you say to your daughter once she's calmed down?
• 33:33
  What would be a sample reaction that you could say to her?
• 33:37
  Like, I would like you to maybe try this, saying this to me instead next time.
• 33:41
  Like if instead of speaking to you in like a mean tone and yelling at you, what would you then coach her to how to respond?
• 33:48
  That ultimately is gonna help her with her confidence over time.
• 33:51
  Right.
• 33:51
  'cause really these, all of these things are building and building her confidence over time.
• 33:55
  Mm-hmm.
• 33:56
  So she can problem solve, self-regulate, all of these things.
• 33:59
  Right.
• 33:59
  And like express yourself the right way.
• 34:00
  And express yourself.
• 34:01
  Yes.
• 34:01
  Way, the right way.
• 34:02
  Because I feel like that tone piece is like something that women get told all the time.
• 34:06
  You know, it's like, it's your tone.
• 34:08
  And so then it's like you're kind of told that like you're being tuned out because of your tone, and you're like, well then my message is not being received because of the way I'm saying it.
• 34:17
  You know, and again, that kind of hurts your confidence.
• 34:19
  Mm-hmm.
• 34:20
  Exactly.
• 34:20
  I'm speaking from personal experience.
• 34:24
  And it goes back to what we said earlier about letting them come up with it and letting them problem solve.
• 34:31
  So I might say, this morning was awful.
• 34:35
  I didn't feel good.
• 34:36
  You didn't feel good.
• 34:38
  What is something that I can help you with the next time you're feeling like that?
• 34:42
  Or can you.
• 34:44
  Share, like I could see that was really hard for you.
• 34:47
  What was going on?
• 34:48
  And then let them try to then express those feelings and then instead of saying, try this, instead maybe we say like, what can mom do the next time you have those feelings?
• 34:59
  What do you think would be helpful for me to do or for you to do?
• 35:03
  And they might say like, buy me squishy, give me screen time.
• 35:07
  Like more things.
• 35:08
  Take me to Chick-fil-A.
• 35:09
  Mm-hmm.
• 35:09
  You know, like, but it really is, and we talked about this on the first podcast, like everyone has their own strategies that help them self-regulate.
• 35:18
  So it's a matter of working through this so your children can find what works for them.
• 35:24
  Mm-hmm.
• 35:24
  And teaching them to come up with those things and then seeking them out when they start to have these feelings.
• 35:31
  And apologizing for real.
• 35:32
  Like recognizing that wasn't a nice way to talk to my mom.
• 35:36
  Mm-hmm.
• 35:36
  She loves me and she's trying to help me.
• 35:39
  And then moving forward you have a really good way of seeing past like the words and the tone and looking more into like the behavior and the why behind it.
• 35:47
  And I feel like sometimes I get so hung up on the words that are being said to me in the tone in which it's being said to me.
• 35:54
  And then I end up bringing other shit into it.
• 35:56
  Like, right.
• 35:57
  I was just at a tournament with you all weekend and you're treating me like shit.
• 36:01
  Like one has nothing to do with the other.
• 36:03
  Right.
• 36:03
  You know, one has absolutely nothing to do with the other.
• 36:06
  And then she feels bad that she's dancing and making me do this and she's just yelling at me because she's probably tired and hungry.
• 36:13
  You know?
• 36:13
  And then I muddy the whole thing up.
• 36:15
  Right.
• 36:15
  And that goes back to their self-confidence.
• 36:17
  Yeah.
• 36:17
  When they see that you are, obviously we're going to be upset with our kids, but when they see that we're throwing back the things that we do for them.
• 36:25
  Again, that can impact the way they feel about themselves and diminish, you know, their self-worth and self-esteem.
• 36:32
  Like, what did I just do?
• 36:33
  Look at how my mom, I just made her this upset and now, you know, she's saying all these things that she does for me and it's like a shame cycle.
• 36:42
  Yeah.
• 36:42
  Like, I don't want my daughter to be married to some guy one day and think like, oh, I need to like, praise him and take care of him and do all these things for him.
• 36:50
  If she's a, like a stay-at-home mom or whatever, and he's providing, like, I don't want her to like, I don't wanna screw her up like that.
• 36:56
  Think she like owes somebody something, you know, like a people pleaser's, a people pleaser.
• 37:01
  But by me saying those words to her, like, you are being awful to me right now, and I just did all this for you yesterday.
• 37:07
  Yeah.
• 37:07
  Right.
• 37:07
  Like those, those are like contra, they're contradicting each other.
• 37:10
  To your point, I feel like it's, when you were saying like, would you want a coach, would you want someone else to speak to your kid to that?
• 37:16
  It's like the same thing.
• 37:17
  Yes.
• 37:18
  You wouldn't want somebody else to do that to her.
• 37:20
  Like I, my daughter, to get in a relationship one day and be like a boss and be adult everyth me.
• 37:25
  But I also liked your point about just kind of putting it back on yourself and say, saying yes, like the other person, the kid can, they can learn the ways to try to express themselves differently but I think sometimes the accountability of I need to see past the behavior.
• 37:43
  That is your job as the parent is sometimes like, okay, what are they actually trying to say?
• 37:48
  Like mm-hmm.
• 37:49
  Tone aside, yelling aside.
• 37:51
  What is the message that they're trying to say?
• 37:53
  Mm-hmm.
• 37:54
  Like, you do have to take some of the hard work and put it on yourself.
• 37:57
  Mm-hmm.
• 37:57
  And not, oh, it's like we all can't be perfect and there are gonna be explosions, just like in any relationship there, you know, people have bad moments.
• 38:06
  You have to then be the bigger person.
• 38:08
  Like, what are they trying to tell me?
• 38:10
  Like through all of this?
• 38:11
  And not just make it so specific.
• 38:14
  Like, they didn't come to me and say the right things.
• 38:16
  They didn't come to me with the correct tone.
• 38:18
  Like you have to be the bigger person sometimes.
• 38:21
  Mm-hmm.
• 38:21
  The detective, which is hard.
• 38:22
  It's so hard.
• 38:23
  Yes.
• 38:23
  Like, it's so hard to do that.
• 38:25
  And especially when you're fired up.
• 38:27
  It's so hard to do that.
• 38:28
  But I think that that's like a really good takeaway.
• 38:31
  Not everybody's gonna come to you with like the perfect set of circumstances where they wanna tell you something important, you know?
• 38:37
  Right.
• 38:38
  Like, you have to sometimes be the bigger person, and if someone's upset, you have to see past all of the excess things that are happening and like try to get to the root of their message, you know?
• 38:47
  I completely agree.
• 38:49
  And, and I always say the key to like relationships is communicating your feelings, wants and needs without hurting the other person.
• 38:56
  Right.
• 38:57
  And we're, that's a lifelong process.
• 38:59
  Mm-hmm.
• 39:00
  Mm-hmm.
• 39:00
  And, you know, just to kind of summarize what you're saying about the behaviors, like nine times out of 10, when my daughters have rude behaviors, it's most likely because they're anxious about something that's about to happen.
• 39:13
  So like, we're getting on a flight or they're going somewhere new by themselves, or they have a big tryout.
• 39:19
  And if they're rude and I then start complaining about the rudeness, it's probably sets them up for.
• 39:27
  Not a very successful event or activity that they're going to.
• 39:31
  That doesn't mean though, that they can't treat people like that.
• 39:33
  Right.
• 39:34
  Just because we're anxious, or nervous, like I don't go in the Starbucks and throw the drink at them because they put the lemonade in my peach and I didn't want it.
• 39:42
  Like I still have to handle when I'm feeling dysregulated in an appropriate way.
• 39:48
  And I've learned that over time.
• 39:50
  They didn't learn that yet.
• 39:51
  And that's what we're here for.
• 39:53
  They don't have those skills just because they seem like these perfectly self-sufficient humans.
• 39:59
  They don't have all the skillset yet.
• 40:01
  And we do need to teach it.
• 40:03
  And like I said, that doesn't mean we let them talk rude and disrespectful or curse or do any of those things.
• 40:10
  I'm saying in the moment, we don't get emotionally involved in their dysregulation.
• 40:15
  And then later on we have this reflection and debriefing on what do you do when you're feeling like that?
• 40:21
  Because that's, that doesn't work.
• 40:22
  Mm-hmm.
• 40:23
  Right?
• 40:23
  Like you can't engage with people like that every time you come on.
• 40:27
  Because we talked so much about like toddlers and kids the last time, and now we're talking about like teenage girls, and I'm like, you're talking to me.
• 40:34
  You know what I mean?
• 40:35
  You're the teenage girl.
• 40:36
  A lot of these things are, and I don't know if they were things that I didn't learn, or maybe they're, they come a lot harder to me, but I have a lot of trouble regulating myself.
• 40:45
  Especially like when you were just saying like when there's something.
• 40:49
  Upcoming and I'm stressed about something, like that's when I tend to have outbursts.
• 40:54
  I'm sure that that's probably very common, like when you're, of course.
• 40:57
  You know what I mean?
• 40:57
  Very.
• 40:57
  So it's interesting because I'm at the point where it's like I'm still learning how to regulate myself, and I don't know if I wasn't taught or it just wasn't something that came, comes easy to me.
• 41:08
  But then I'm also trying to do it for my kids.
• 41:10
  Like I feel like I'm just at this point where they're sponges and learning from me, and I'm also a mess in trying to figure out my own emotions all the time.
• 41:19
  And it's funny, I was having flashbacks as you were saying that.
• 41:22
  I was like, I remember we were talking about the toddler meltdowns, and I was like, I'm the one having the meltdown too.
• 41:27
  You know, like I'm the toddler sometimes and I'm the teenage girl sometimes.
• 41:31
  I'm sure we all are, but of course we are.
• 41:33
  But I think it's like even good just to point out that when something big is coming up, and that could be a trip.
• 41:38
  It could be a deadline that's due, it could be any type of big transition.
• 41:42
  Yeah.
• 41:42
  It could be that three o'clock, like time of the day, like anytime there's any anticipatory nervousness about something or anticipatory excitement about something, you're gonna exhibit X, Y, Z behavior.
• 41:52
  Mm-hmm.
• 41:53
  And just knowing that Yeah.
• 41:55
  I feel like is a powerful tool.
• 41:57
  Yes.
• 41:57
  That's true, right?
• 41:58
  Yeah.
• 41:58
  Just knowing that about yourself, like, don't mind me over here.
• 42:01
  That's perfectly said.
• 42:03
  And I feel, I spend a lot of time with Dr.
• 42:05
  Lang, so I have a little mini, I just feel like sometimes we don't recognize our children.
• 42:10
  And I sort of said this before, but not the way I wanted to as people, right?
• 42:14
  Like they have a set of feelings and emotions and circumstances like.
• 42:18
  We expect them, and I say this a lot when I tell parents, like, or I suggest do this, do that, do this.
• 42:25
  Yes, we're the parent.
• 42:26
  Yes, we're the authority figure.
• 42:27
  Yes, they need to listen to us, but they are a little tiny human with their own set of everything.
• 42:34
  And so it just doesn't just work.
• 42:36
  Like I say, jump and you say how high, like that's not the way things work, especially in today's kind of society and culture.
• 42:45
  Things are just different.
• 42:46
  And it circles back to how we started just with the increased pressures that parents and kids are both facing.
• 42:52
  And limited time.
• 42:53
  So sometimes you wanna just say jump because you're in a rush and all of these things that you are explaining take time and patience, and you have to calm calmness, and you have to slow down in order to execute those.
• 43:06
  Nicely and have also have time to reflect later on.
• 43:10
  And we're all in such a rush.
• 43:11
  And we talked about that during our last podcast, just about how we're always just moving and trying to get to the next thing and do things efficiently.
• 43:19
  And so you do have to slow down and like think through some of these things.
• 43:23
  Yeah.
• 43:23
  I think you said this earlier, but just to reiterate, what are a couple of phrases that parents should stop saying to their children?
• 43:31
  Yes.
• 43:31
  So I think it's important even to, to think more about growth mindset, language, which again, involves process rather than outcome.
• 43:41
  And the sort of deprecating, like we alluded to this earlier, but like, what's wrong with you?
• 43:47
  Why aren't you listening?
• 43:48
  Why would you do that?
• 43:50
  Those kinds of phrases are really impactful for their ability to feel self-confident and have like a positive self-image.
• 44:00
  So yeah, a kid takes chocolate milk on your white chairs here and it spills everywhere.
• 44:06
  Like that's the first words that would probably come out of our mouth.
• 44:10
  But, and yeah, I'd be really pissed.
• 44:13
  But what are some other ways that we can say things that we want to give a correction or something that doesn't hit directly at their own personal being?
• 44:23
  All right, so let's like talk through, I don't know, a nighttime occurrence here at this house.
• 44:28
  Everybody's supposed to read for 15 minutes.
• 44:30
  Mm-hmm.
• 44:31
  Right?
• 44:31
  Everybody's supposed to lie to me that they read for 15 minutes.
• 44:34
  This is how it usually goes.
• 44:36
  I pop into one room.
• 44:36
  Are you reading?
• 44:37
  Yeah.
• 44:38
  Are you reading?
• 44:38
  Yeah.
• 44:39
  Are you reading?
• 44:39
  Yeah.
• 44:39
  What do you mean you didn't read?
• 44:41
  If you don't read, you're not going to call.
• 44:43
  Like it very quickly gets to that, right?
• 44:44
  Yeah.
• 44:45
  So then how do you.
• 44:47
  Say to your kid, and again, I'm using this as an example because this is what happens in my house every single night.
• 44:52
  Yeah, I'm sure you have your own thing.
• 44:53
  Thing that happens, of course.
• 44:55
  But you know, we put emphasis on like reading and education, but then what ultimately has ended up happening is one of my kids hates reading and will just won't read.
• 45:04
  And he's like, I'm stupid because I don't read.
• 45:06
  And now it's like bad for his confidence.
• 45:08
  So let's use this as an example and walk us through.
• 45:12
  So a, there's a lot of competing contingencies in the bedroom.
• 45:16
  Mm-hmm The video games, the cell phones, all those things.
• 45:20
  So obviously if they have access to that stuff, reading is probably not on the forefront as a desired activity at that time.
• 45:28
  So we would probably have to make sure that they don't have access to other things, number one.
• 45:33
  Number two, I would probably maybe wanna take them to the library or Barnes and Noble so they can find something that's interesting for them to read.
• 45:42
  Even if it's a book about how to build a shed.
• 45:45
  Mm-hmm.
• 45:45
  It could be, you know, I'm thinking of Vincent and how he, like, how'd you know I was talking about him?
• 45:50
  No, just like, I just, he likes, you know Yeah.
• 45:53
  How it's made.
• 45:54
  He likes, that's made, mark works.
• 45:55
  So, so they don't necessarily have to read the book that you think is appropriate for their age or that they got at the library at school, or, right.
• 46:03
  Like find something that they are truly interested in.
• 46:06
  Right.
• 46:06
  And then they might like reading or if he or she is reading directions to put this shelf together, that's reading.
• 46:13
  Right.
• 46:13
  And it's really functional reading because it's involving comprehension.
• 46:16
  So.
• 46:16
  Right.
• 46:17
  Because to your point, Christina, earlier you were saying sometimes people do things to like check boxes.
• 46:21
  Yes.
• 46:22
  And I'm like, we need to check the box that you read for the 15, 15 minutes.
• 46:26
  Right, right.
• 46:26
  Well, obviously there is research that suggests when you read for 20 minutes a night, like it compounds and Right.
• 46:32
  That's legit.
• 46:33
  Like it's real.
• 46:34
  Right, right, right.
• 46:35
  In terms of, education.
• 46:37
  But if your child.
• 46:39
  Quote unquote hates reading.
• 46:40
  Then we have to find a way to make it less aversive to them.
• 46:44
  And most likely it's finding something that truly sparks their interest.
• 46:48
  Right.
• 46:48
  And you're not gonna be doing that in a high stakes moment.
• 46:51
  You're gonna be doing it when they're regulated at another time of day.
• 46:54
  Like you said, go to Barnes Noble, go to the library, find a recipe if they like to cook, whatever.
• 46:59
  Right, exactly.
• 47:00
  So let's say they went and baked something that I would count that as reading.
• 47:05
  Like, you read the recipe, you followed all the directions.
• 47:09
  Unless it came out crappy, then they did.
• 47:11
  Yeah.
• 47:13
  Um, maybe even then I would Well what about like,'cause you were saying about the corrective behavior in the appropriate way to correct behavior.
• 47:22
  So like with my kids right now, they're little again, they're like four and two about, but I get on them when they're like fighting or if they're throwing something.
• 47:31
  And I do use those like, what's wrong with you?
• 47:34
  Why aren't you listening?
• 47:35
  Why are you hitting your sister?
• 47:36
  Why are you throwing something?
• 47:37
  This could hurt.
• 47:38
  Right.
• 47:38
  Like, Leo's gonna answer you.
• 47:40
  Yeah.
• 47:40
  Like, and it's, but it's, some of that stuff just comes out of my mouth.
• 47:43
  So what's the language that I should be using?
• 47:45
  Right?
• 47:45
  'cause this is talking from the ground up like this.
• 47:48
  These are little like, little sponges.
• 47:50
  Like I'm tr you know, trying to form their self-confidence and those things do slip out of my mouth and we Same of course.
• 47:57
  Yeah.
• 47:57
  Yeah.
• 47:57
  Like it's just human nature kind of.
• 47:59
  I would just suggest to be specific about the behavior instead of their own personal mm-hmm.
• 48:05
  Self worth.
• 48:06
  Like instead of saying what's wrong with you, you could say like, don't throw that, it could break the tv.
• 48:12
  Right.
• 48:12
  Just like be really specific physical that, or don't your sister.
• 48:16
  Right.
• 48:16
  It will hurt her.
• 48:17
  Right?
• 48:18
  Like just leave it there.
• 48:19
  I mean, pretty basic, right?
• 48:20
  Yes.
• 48:20
  Okay.
• 48:21
  I've seen Christine correct behavior here at my house with her kids, and she, like when dinner's ready, for instance mm-hmm.
• 48:28
  I'll yell through the house.
• 48:29
  Oh yeah.
• 48:30
  Dinner's.
• 48:31
  Okay.
• 48:31
  Same.
• 48:32
  She doesn't do that.
• 48:33
  She prepares the plate.
• 48:35
  Gets the kid, brings him to the table.
• 48:38
  Mm-hmm.
• 48:38
  He or she to the table, to the plate of food.
• 48:41
  Mm-hmm.
• 48:41
  To then eat and doesn't say anything.
• 48:43
  Right.
• 48:43
  Like, she's like directive with her body.
• 48:45
  Yeah.
• 48:45
  Like not with like her words.
• 48:47
  Right.
• 48:47
  Like she like does it, and I'm always in awe.
• 48:49
  I'm like, oh, so that's how it's done.
• 48:52
  Yeah, no, like,'cause they are not coming down and I'm screaming.
• 48:55
  Oh, right.
• 48:55
  Because it's a Right, right.
• 48:56
  And then the more, and then you continue, then you get really upset and it's like, it just keeps snowballing.
• 49:02
  Yeah.
• 49:03
  And that's also because I have kids with NeuroD diversities and A DHD.
• 49:08
  So if I were to call them from another room and I can't physically see them.
• 49:13
  I don't know if they're purposely being non-compliant or watching a show.
• 49:17
  Right.
• 49:17
  Or engaged in something and truly didn't hear a thing I said.
• 49:20
  Right.
• 49:20
  So to eliminate all of that and to teach like that, what I say is significant, I try to like get right in front.
• 49:27
  Yeah.
• 49:28
  Obviously that doesn't always happen, but I try.
• 49:32
  Well'cause I guess again, we're going back to like this confidence piece, but if I'm screaming through the house and then by the time they get down to eat this meal, then you're pissed and they're pissed.
• 49:41
  Like, and then I'm like, what's wrong with you?
• 49:43
  Yeah.
• 49:43
  Are you just trying to ignore me?
• 49:45
  Nobody, they're cold.
• 49:46
  Then they don't wanna eat my dinner because they're, they have a knot in their stomach.
• 49:49
  'cause they just screamed at them.
• 49:50
  Yep.
• 49:51
  I'm the problem.
• 49:52
  I know.
• 49:53
  That's what I'm always, that's what I'm always saying.
• 49:55
  Every time Christine comes here, I'm like, I'm the problem.
• 49:59
  No, I'm the one that's not doing the right things.
• 50:02
  Like, I get it.
• 50:03
  I, that's definitely not it.
• 50:04
  I just think it has to be a mutual Yes.
• 50:07
  Like when parents want to schedule a session for their kids.
• 50:12
  I required to schedule a session with them too.
• 50:14
  Mm-hmm.
• 50:15
  Like, I won't see young kids, especially without working with the parents, because nine times out of 10 I could come in 45 minutes, 90 minutes, the behavior will be perfect because I have nothing else to do.
• 50:27
  Mm-hmm.
• 50:27
  I could focus all my attention on whatever the problems are and we can address them.
• 50:31
  But once I leave, like parents have to learn the skillset of the things that we're working on.
• 50:37
  But in a funny note, we should have this the dog trainer that we use and the motto on the website is training dogs.
• 50:45
  One human at its, yeah.
• 50:46
  There you go.
• 50:47
  And so, yeah, that should be yours.
• 50:49
  I know.
• 50:50
  I should rip that off.
• 50:51
  All right, so again, since we're talking about daughters, I feel like we can't not touch upon body image and how that starts at home.
• 51:00
  And do daughters learn body image confidence from their mother?
• 51:05
  That's such a tough question, especially I feel like I personally am really into fitness and working out, and that's one of those things, like if I don't do my workout class or get my run in, I'm definitely visibly off.
• 51:21
  And so I really try to do that and the kids will be like, you're going to bar again.
• 51:25
  And I say like, I'll bring you back a doms.
• 51:28
  Yeah.
• 51:29
  Just be quiet.
• 51:29
  Yes.
• 51:29
  I'll be back in an hour.
• 51:30
  It's sort of a process and it's part of my routine.
• 51:32
  It's almost like brushing my teeth.
• 51:34
  And so I hope that I'm instilling in the girls like that it's healthy to move your body and not that I'm doing it for appearances, let's say, or so my leggings look cute.
• 51:46
  You know, would I, that's a plus.
• 51:47
  Be lying if, if that wasn't part of it too.
• 51:49
  Of course.
• 51:50
  Like we all want to look the best we possibly can, but like fitness for me is more about the activity and how I feel about it.
• 52:00
  How I feel while I'm moving.
• 52:02
  And so that's something that I hope that the girls learn.
• 52:06
  I, again, just having girls and having lots of friends who have girls, like all in the same timeframe and now they're like older teenagers, I heard people say like, oh, you shouldn't have a full length mirror.
• 52:18
  I didn't really subscribe to that by any means, but I definitely think it's significant and important not to say things like, like, Ugh, I look terrible in this.
• 52:28
  Ugh, nothing fits me.
• 52:29
  Ugh, I feel fat today.
• 52:31
  You know, like things like that.
• 52:32
  We certainly don't want to model and use that kind of language in front of our girls.
• 52:38
  A lot of times if they ask me like, how does this look?
• 52:40
  I say, how does it feel?
• 52:42
  And kind of more talking about like, how do you feel in it?
• 52:45
  How does it feel?
• 52:46
  Is it comfortable?
• 52:47
  It's very hard, and it again goes back to the whole social media.
• 52:51
  Perfection, image of what the girls are seeing.
• 52:55
  Like everyone looks perfect.
• 52:56
  And I remember when one of my girls got their first phone, I showed her a picture of a, of something that someone posted on Instagram with like all the fancy filters and, then it was like what the person looked like before they did all of that.
• 53:12
  Right.
• 53:12
  And it was like, whoa.
• 53:13
  I was trying to let her know, like, everything you see is not real.
• 53:17
  Like these women and girls don't actually look like this.
• 53:20
  Right, right.
• 53:21
  Well now they have AI influencers and AI content creators, AI podcasts, so it could be like a disgusting, overweight man coming up with a concept.
• 53:30
  And then he uses an AI avatar that's like a beautiful woman mm-hmm.
• 53:34
  Selling this product.
• 53:35
  Mm-hmm.
• 53:35
  So that, I mean, and that's now in 2026, so it's like really fake.
• 53:39
  So now it's, it can be, now it's really can be really, really fake.
• 53:42
  Right.
• 53:42
  So I think it's important to obviously at home, talk about this because when they see like these like perfect avatars online and they're gonna compare themselves to that, like that's not obviously fair.
• 53:54
  And it's scary to know that there's only so much you can do at home and there's only so much you can model because.
• 54:00
  There is so much outside of your house that would impact body image.
• 54:04
  So Right.
• 54:05
  Like friends, right.
• 54:06
  Friends who your kids are around all day.
• 54:08
  Social media's gonna have a big part of it.
• 54:10
  Yep.
• 54:10
  And just different body types.
• 54:12
  Like it's hard sometimes, you know, to see the girls in like a bikini or something.
• 54:18
  Mm-hmm.
• 54:19
  And you're zoning in on different areas only because as a parent you're like, what are other people seeing if my child is wearing this?
• 54:27
  Right.
• 54:27
  Or something like that.
• 54:28
  And it's more like I said about obviously age appropriate attire, but also how do you feel in this?
• 54:35
  Right.
• 54:36
  And I think that is really tricky in terms of like suggesting what you're wearing in an appropriate way.
• 54:42
  Like if you think something's too short or too low or too tight, like how do you say that?
• 54:47
  In a way that doesn't feel shaming.
• 54:50
  Mm-hmm.
• 54:50
  Right, well, and also it's very natural to say, like, I know I've said to your daughters like, oh my God, you look so cute.
• 54:56
  Or like going shopping with them.
• 54:57
  Like, I love how that makes your butt look like.
• 54:59
  Those are just like benign comments that I've said to like, my daughters, your daughters, my nieces.
• 55:05
  Like, oh my God, you look so good in that.
• 55:06
  Like, but I guess you have to take it back.
• 55:09
  And in addition to that, say like, all you feel good in this, you feel like, how do you feel in it?
• 55:15
  Right.
• 55:15
  But it also goes back to what we were saying earlier, like it's silly to think that we should have a world where you can't praise someone looking pretty.
• 55:23
  I know.
• 55:23
  We still that's still a thing.
• 55:26
  It just can't be the only thing, can't be the only thing that makes the person feel self-worth.
• 55:31
  Right.
• 55:32
  Like when you post something and you are looking at your self-worth and feeling validated by how many comments of fire emojis you get.
• 55:41
  Yeah.
• 55:41
  That's a problem.
• 55:42
  Right.
• 55:43
  Like that can't be the only thing that sustains you.
• 55:46
  I love that.
• 55:46
  That's a great point.
• 55:47
  Mm-hmm.
• 55:48
  Because this is, it's a very slippery slope that you can, we can go down, you know, especially when, and again, it feels good, like we talked about this earlier, to receive some kind of external validation.
• 55:57
  Mm-hmm.
• 55:57
  Feels good when people say, you look pretty, your hair looks great.
• 56:00
  I love that outfit.
• 56:01
  Of course it feels good.
• 56:02
  Like we are taught to give people compliments.
• 56:05
  It's a nice thing alright.
• 56:06
  Another big one, Christina and I have had two podcasts on this topic, is friendship drama.
• 56:11
  When friendship do drama just cuts girls so deep, it doesn't ever, I don't know when it starts, I don't know when it stops.
• 56:17
  It just seems to be just something that kind of ebbs and flows through life.
• 56:21
  Like, how that affects their confidence.
• 56:25
  I know you've said this to me before, that if your daughter has conflict with another girl, she'll move on from it, but you'll still be stuck in it.
• 56:31
  Yes.
• 56:32
  Oh yeah.
• 56:32
  So we don't want, we don't want also to be like this, like grudge holding mother behind the scenes, like, and it really is a fine line between letting girls figure it out.
• 56:44
  Mm-hmm.
• 56:45
  And less parent involvement versus.
• 56:49
  And I said this before, like they don't necessarily have the tools to figure it all out yet, so how much do you get involved and how much do you let it play out?
• 56:57
  And that is really tricky because, sometimes when parents get involved, it, it really can muddy the situation and, and almost make it worse than if the girls try to work it out.
• 57:08
  Right.
• 57:08
  But then it's like two mothers almost going at it.
• 57:11
  Yes.
• 57:12
  Which is, we're leaving things to get figured out by these children that don't know how to figure it out yet.
• 57:18
  Right.
• 57:18
  So it's almost like, yes, you learn by outcomes and consequences and that's how you figure things out.
• 57:25
  But also you need to learn by some kind of guidance.
• 57:29
  And I know that's not like a definitive answer, but it's such a tricky situation to know, like when to get involved and when to just let them figure it out again, it goes back to letting them come up with a solution, like if they're sharing something with you about some drama, it.
• 57:47
  How do you think you should handle this?
• 57:49
  What do you think?
• 57:50
  Right?
• 57:50
  And with that problem solving on your own builds confidence.
• 57:53
  Mm-hmm.
• 57:54
  Correct?
• 57:54
  Mm-hmm.
• 57:54
  It's funny because my daughter, this is a cute story, but I said this before, she's like, you always take the other person's side before I even finish.
• 58:02
  When I tell the babysitter, she just says, oh, that girl sounds like a bitch.
• 58:05
  Yeah.
• 58:06
  But that's, I know.
• 58:07
  Which is, so that's the, that's the, that's the thing that like rolls off your tongue.
• 58:12
  Right?
• 58:12
  And we were saying though, I know we're trying not to do that.
• 58:13
  We were saying when you hear that as a little girl, then you first instinct is to put, is to put someone else down.
• 58:21
  And that's how we said girl on girl crime starts, right?
• 58:24
  It starts from such a young age because you're like you're going to someone and you want their opinion.
• 58:29
  And then that's the easiest thing to do is just to blame the other person, right?
• 58:33
  And say, oh, well she's not as pretty as you.
• 58:36
  You know, like, you're better than this at her, than her.
• 58:40
  Or you know, oh, she's such a bitch.
• 58:41
  Don't even worry about it.
• 58:42
  And like that then creates this narrative for little girls that.
• 58:47
  Like, other women are always the enemy.
• 58:49
  And so we were trying to kind of break that too.
• 58:51
  Mm-hmm.
• 58:52
  But it's such a tricky place to be because you're trying not to put other women down.
• 58:57
  You're trying to build your own confidence and have your own confidence.
• 59:00
  Like it really is like between a rock and a hard place, you know?
• 59:03
  Like it really is like, let's not play that at time.
• 59:07
  And so I said, is there anything that I can say that would be helpful?
• 59:11
  And she said, yeah, that, yeah.
• 59:13
  Yeah.
• 59:13
  And I politely said, I laughed and I said, I, I understand where you're coming from, but also mommy wouldn't be doing her job as a mom to teach you if we didn't explore like the whole situation.
• 59:26
  So I hear you, and I'm not going to jump to conclusions of who's right, who's wrong or who, whatever.
• 59:32
  You can play it out.
• 59:33
  Yeah.
• 59:33
  And then she said, I said this earlier, like, when I'm calmer, then you can try to teach me what's happening.
• 59:38
  Yeah.
• 59:38
  And so.
• 59:40
  It is so hard.
• 59:41
  It's so hard.
• 59:42
  Yeah.
• 59:42
  But it really just goes back to listening and listening and listening and just validating.
• 59:47
  Mm-hmm.
• 59:47
  Like I hear you.
• 59:48
  Like, that sounds like it was, sounds like lunch today was awful.
• 59:52
  Yeah.
• 59:52
  Like, I don't even know.
• 59:53
  Yeah.
• 59:53
  It sounds terrible.
• 59:54
  Yeah.
• 59:54
  What do you think we could do tomorrow?
• 59:56
  Like, what do you think might help lunch situation tomorrow?
• 59:59
  Let's talk about a few things and then they might not be able to come up with something and that's where you might give a suggestion.
• 1:00:05
  Yeah.
• 1:00:05
  You try to guide, you're, you're letting your kids do the hard things.
• 1:00:08
  It's not like you're saying you don't have to go back to that school.
• 1:00:10
  You don't have to eat lunch anymore.
• 1:00:11
  You don't have to go to the lunchroom.
• 1:00:12
  You don't have to sit, see that girl ever again.
• 1:00:14
  You're teaching her to do the hard things.
• 1:00:17
  Right.
• 1:00:17
  Just maybe she has some skin in the game as to what that's gonna look like.
• 1:00:21
  Right?
• 1:00:21
  Yeah.
• 1:00:21
  Because when we do that and when we say, I don't want my child with this child.
• 1:00:25
  Oh, we are, I've tried that.
• 1:00:27
  It doesn't work.
• 1:00:28
  It doesn't work because it's not, it's impossible, number one.
• 1:00:31
  But it's also teaching them like, this is getting solved.
• 1:00:35
  I don't have to deal with it.
• 1:00:36
  Right.
• 1:00:36
  And not like.
• 1:00:37
  Problem solving, figuring it out.
• 1:00:39
  And like I said earlier, every time you rescue them, you're saying like, you can't do this.
• 1:00:45
  Yeah, I got this.
• 1:00:46
  Yeah, don't worry, I will resolve it.
• 1:00:48
  No more problems.
• 1:00:48
  Yeah.
• 1:00:48
  And when you're like blanket labeling, just like again, that, that she's a bitch is very dismissive because it's kind of just putting a label on it.
• 1:00:56
  Like, oh, well it's her problem.
• 1:00:58
  You know?
• 1:00:58
  Like it's not me.
• 1:00:59
  It's no accountability.
• 1:01:00
  Mm-hmm.
• 1:01:00
  And you mentioned accountability.
• 1:01:02
  I think that's huge too because in everything we're saying today about speaking disrespectfully or a girl drama.
• 1:01:10
  Your daughters still have to have some level of accountability, right.
• 1:01:13
  It's just when you bring that up and how you approach it.
• 1:01:17
  Yeah.
• 1:01:17
  Instead of like, well, it sounds like it's all your fault.
• 1:01:19
  You were wrong.
• 1:01:20
  You should have never said that.
• 1:01:21
  Well, I liked what you had said where you were like that was just like, that was a really rough lunch.
• 1:01:26
  Or like, that must have been a really awful situation.
• 1:01:28
  And you're kind of just making it like you're not blaming her, you're not blaming the other one.
• 1:01:32
  You're just kind of saying the whole situation sounds sucky.
• 1:01:35
  And then you're like, we could talk about this at another point when we wanna like really work out how it goes, but just you're validating that it was like a shitty situation, but you're not blaming anybody so how do you think social media exacerbates all of these things?
• 1:01:51
  For our, our girls, our kids?
• 1:01:53
  I think so much of this, like we've all gone through it, but I just cannot even imagine.
• 1:01:58
  The microscope that you're kind of under and that you have to see it all.
• 1:02:03
  Like we used to be able to all go home and like, yeah, maybe you would be like on I am or something and like chatting with your friends, but like to just be surrounded by it at all times.
• 1:02:13
  Like, I don't even think any of us can even, well I think I am was even filtered.
• 1:02:17
  It was because most of us knew that I am was being monitored by parents.
• 1:02:21
  Yeah.
• 1:02:21
  In a family room.
• 1:02:22
  Right.
• 1:02:22
  Most of us didn't have computers.
• 1:02:24
  It wasn't in, in our bedroom.
• 1:02:25
  Could leave it, right?
• 1:02:26
  You, you could leave it or in the car or like, most of them, like your parents had access, you had aol, like had access to all your chats.
• 1:02:32
  Right.
• 1:02:32
  So people weren't too aggressive.
• 1:02:35
  You know.
• 1:02:36
  When I was in eighth grade on Im, I'm sure it, you know, often changed, I guess, made myself, but I didn't have that.
• 1:02:40
  So yeah, you didn't even have, alright, so you didn't even have that.
• 1:02:43
  So now, so do you fully understand the scope of how it's affected our girls?
• 1:02:48
  I mean, you have kids that have all of this stuff, right?
• 1:02:51
  Even one of my best friends who daughter is 22.
• 1:02:55
  When I'm venting to her about something or telling her a story, she always says, thank God Bella was already out of high school when all this stuff came around.
• 1:03:05
  Right.
• 1:03:05
  I don't know how you do it.
• 1:03:07
  Like, she's so relieved that like Instagram and, having a 487 day snap streak.
• 1:03:14
  Is like a thing, like I don't even know what that is.
• 1:03:17
  Oh, so you snap someone every day.
• 1:03:20
  So if you have a streak for 400 days, oh snap.
• 1:03:23
  Is it on Snapchat?
• 1:03:24
  Is that what it is?
• 1:03:25
  Yes.
• 1:03:25
  Oh, I see.
• 1:03:26
  So you go back and forth, back and forth.
• 1:03:28
  It could just be like a silly picture of yourself, but you snap this person every single day to keep the streak going.
• 1:03:34
  Oh.
• 1:03:34
  Oh, okay.
• 1:03:34
  So it's just putting pressure to like use the app like and probably be there.
• 1:03:38
  Yeah.
• 1:03:38
  Right.
• 1:03:38
  I guess it's fun in some capacity.
• 1:03:40
  I'm not quite sure.
• 1:03:41
  But again, like the pressures, we talked about this, but seeing what all the other girls are doing and having, and the commitments for sports teams and dance teams and medals and scores and everything is just right there.
• 1:03:56
  And I'm sure even just like being together, like seeing girls the feeling of being left out, which we always talk about.
• 1:04:03
  Right.
• 1:04:03
  But.
• 1:04:04
  Seeing it that young and seeing everybody together and you're not there.
• 1:04:09
  You used to be able to be like, oh yeah, there was something that I didn't attend, but now you have to see it and you have to like live it and you're not there, you know?
• 1:04:17
  So yes, you're seeing everybody's accolades, but then the feeling of not being included in something, I just can't even imagine.
• 1:04:24
  Like that heartbreaking feeling.
• 1:04:26
  It's awful.
• 1:04:27
  Yeah.
• 1:04:27
  Awful.
• 1:04:28
  And I think it's awful.
• 1:04:29
  And also behind every, like, emotionally, like unstable girl is an, an emotionally unregulated, unstable mother Right.
• 1:04:37
  Who might make a situation worse.
• 1:04:39
  Right.
• 1:04:39
  You know?
• 1:04:39
  And I don't, I wanna, I don't wanna be that mother like I'm here today because I want to try to be like a stable mother for my daughter.
• 1:04:47
  Mm-hmm.
• 1:04:47
  When she enters all of these different things and sees all these things and brings it to me, I don't wanna make it.
• 1:04:53
  Worse.
• 1:04:54
  And funny enough, you started with this, they hear everything we're saying.
• 1:04:58
  So when we say like, so and so went out to dinner last night, I guess they didn't call me.
• 1:05:02
  Like they hear that, right?
• 1:05:03
  Like I'm sure there's very valid reasons why, right?
• 1:05:06
  Like an inclusion didn't happen or did happen.
• 1:05:09
  But like they're hearing that and now like, oh, that's a big deal, right?
• 1:05:12
  Like it's a big deal if that happened, you know?
• 1:05:14
  And sometimes it's very simple.
• 1:05:16
  Like my daughter might not be invited to something, but it's because everybody knows she has hockey and she couldn't have made it anyway.
• 1:05:23
  However, you still want the invite.
• 1:05:24
  Mm-hmm.
• 1:05:24
  Even though you knew you couldn't go, let's say.
• 1:05:27
  And so all of that stuff just is always swirling and when sometimes you're busy, you do get excluded from things because people sort of expect you can't make it.
• 1:05:37
  And then this just happened on Friday.
• 1:05:40
  Vincent was like, mom, you didn't get invited to Mrs.
• 1:05:43
  Fish's birthday party.
• 1:05:44
  And I was like, no, Vincent, I did not get invited to Mrs.
• 1:05:47
  Fish's birthday party.
• 1:05:48
  They went to dinner because he was on the phone with the kids.
• 1:05:51
  Yeah.
• 1:05:51
  I'm like, they went to dinner and it's okay.
• 1:05:52
  That mommy didn't get invited.
• 1:05:54
  It's all right.
• 1:05:55
  But then I was like, wait a minute, Jess, are you having a party tonight that you didn't invite me to?
• 1:06:02
  But exactly.
• 1:06:03
  That is what makes them think this sidebar than deal.
• 1:06:08
  And so casually talking about this stuff that they're always listening and then the things we make a big deal of, they inherit that being a big deal, right?
• 1:06:18
  Mm-hmm.
• 1:06:18
  Mm-hmm.
• 1:06:19
  I guess this is a bigger question, but like.
• 1:06:21
  Adult problems, stay away from the ears of the kids because my husband and I kind of like, sometimes if we're like discussing any sort of drama, it doesn't even have to be anything like a big deal, but like to your point like, oh well we didn't get invited to that or something.
• 1:06:35
  Like, do you think that's important to like discuss away from them or do you think it's important for kids to see like resolution and talking about those things?
• 1:06:43
  Things, but,'cause I think that that would just apply to girls, you know, or, or any, or any kids.
• 1:06:48
  Well it wouldn't be real life if they only heard and saw like roses and sunshine.
• 1:06:53
  Yeah.
• 1:06:53
  And like they need to hear that.
• 1:06:55
  But it needs to be more about you talking and resolving it versus like, what a bunching of jerks.
• 1:07:01
  Like we didn't get included, we f them.
• 1:07:02
  Right.
• 1:07:03
  I'm not inviting them to my Memorial Day party.
• 1:07:05
  I dunno.
• 1:07:06
  Yeah.
• 1:07:07
  But more like, oh, they must have had something going on.
• 1:07:09
  Like we had something anyway.
• 1:07:11
  Okay.
• 1:07:11
  But it reminds me of things that I do make a point of saying to my daughters all the time, like when my friends do something extremely thoughtful.
• 1:07:20
  Like when my daughter got hurt and I had two different friends, like one was gonna take her to the er, then I had the Bon Tempos coming to examine her.
• 1:07:28
  I said to them like, I hope that you find friends that are as caring as this.
• 1:07:32
  Mommy is so lucky.
• 1:07:34
  Or if it's my birthday and I get something in the mail, I say like, oh, auntie Andrea is such a thoughtful friend.
• 1:07:40
  This is so sweet.
• 1:07:42
  And so I highlight when friends do very kind things.
• 1:07:45
  Right.
• 1:07:45
  So they see that as what we're highlighting, right?
• 1:07:49
  Like, and then they like wanna strive for that type of franchise.
• 1:07:51
  Right?
• 1:07:52
  And it just, right.
• 1:07:52
  It just goes back to kindness.
• 1:07:54
  Right.
• 1:07:54
  And that pediatrician that I had, that I quoted earlier, she always said, and I really love this.
• 1:08:00
  Are your friends as nice to you as you are to them?
• 1:08:02
  Mm-hmm.
• 1:08:02
  That was how she would lead the questions and their pediatrician yearly visits.
• 1:08:07
  And she says, if not, there's so many other people that you can hang out with.
• 1:08:11
  Right.
• 1:08:12
  And that's really important too.
• 1:08:13
  It goes back to the friend thing.
• 1:08:14
  Like, you don't need to put yourself in a position where people aren't nice to you.
• 1:08:18
  If you don't feel good about the relationship and the friendship, then you can find other people to hang out with.
• 1:08:24
  Like, you shouldn't be with people that make you feel bad about yourself.
• 1:08:26
  Right, well that also goes back to that confidence piece.
• 1:08:29
  When you do something nice for a friend and you like are doing it'cause like you wanna do it like that makes you feel good.
• 1:08:35
  And every time you feel good about a kind gesture that builds confidence in yourself and builds in that friendship.
• 1:08:41
  And when the person does something nice back for you, not just because of reciprocity or because oh you did for me so I have to do for you.
• 1:08:48
  Right.
• 1:08:48
  Just because you have a nice friendship that isn't, you know, you exchange acts of kindness that I just feel like that goes a long way.
• 1:08:56
  And if you're not seeing that and your daughters see you highlight acts of kindness, then they'll know when to eliminate those friends that don't do nice things for them.
• 1:09:05
  Right.
• 1:09:05
  That, comment when they wear flare jeans.
• 1:09:07
  Right.
• 1:09:08
  Those girls need to take a walk.
• 1:09:10
  Yeah.
• 1:09:10
  Well, and I think one of these like moments of where everything came back around.
• 1:09:15
  My daughter last week was like, mom, I think I was overreacting last week when blah, blah, blah happened.
• 1:09:22
  Yeah.
• 1:09:22
  And I said, I'm really proud of you.
• 1:09:24
  Yeah.
• 1:09:24
  'cause you were so upset about everything and I didn't really necessarily agree with what you were seeing, but I kind of let it play out.
• 1:09:33
  And I'm really impressed that a week later you are now seeing how, that might have not been the best reaction to what happened.
• 1:09:40
  And you can see all the other pieces that were in play, and again, reinforcing back to the process.
• 1:09:47
  Mm-hmm.
• 1:09:48
  Like you and I said, I'm really proud how you reflected on this over the past few days and now you're seeing it a little differently.
• 1:09:53
  I really love the approach of just it's never like a one and done conversation.
• 1:09:58
  It's not just like, okay, this is over, you know, like, we're done with this conversation.
• 1:10:02
  It seems like the best is just to kind of carry it through, ask again, you know, like, oh, how are you feeling about that from the other day?
• 1:10:09
  And like, have, have another conversation open up.
• 1:10:12
  Like, I, I think that's just like good to hear, right?
• 1:10:15
  Mm-hmm.
• 1:10:15
  I mean, the one thing about teenagers though is you can't bring something up after they told you a bunch of tea.
• 1:10:21
  You can't bring it up again.
• 1:10:22
  They only wanna talk about it in their terms.
• 1:10:24
  So, so, but a little different if like, mom, guess what happened, blah, blah, blah.
• 1:10:28
  Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 1:10:28
  I'm like at the edge of my seat.
• 1:10:30
  Yeah.
• 1:10:30
  Can't wait to know what happened.
• 1:10:31
  Yeah.
• 1:10:32
  So the next day later I'm like, so what happened with Yeah.
• 1:10:34
  You know, they're like, like, mom, stop.
• 1:10:36
  No, stop.
• 1:10:36
  It's over.
• 1:10:37
  Yeah.
• 1:10:37
  Yeah.
• 1:10:38
  Some of it, I take it when I get it.
• 1:10:40
  Yeah.
• 1:10:40
  And I just try not to be like annoying mom that wants to get more, more, more.
• 1:10:44
  And that's really hard.
• 1:10:45
  Yeah.
• 1:10:46
  I could see that.
• 1:10:47
  Well, the other day Joseph had me take him to the, the shops and he was like telling me the list of kids that were coming.
• 1:10:52
  I'm like, I thought you hated that kid.
• 1:10:54
  Why are you hanging out with him?
• 1:10:55
  But I didn't say that.
• 1:10:56
  I'm like, oh, alright.
• 1:10:59
  Okay.
• 1:10:59
  But in my mind I'm like, why are you hanging out with him?
• 1:11:02
  Yeah.
• 1:11:02
  But apparently they worked through whatever they had to work through.
• 1:11:06
  But if I had said to him like, why are you hanging out with him?
• 1:11:08
  Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
• 1:11:09
  I'm sure it would've set up maybe doubt in his mind.
• 1:11:13
  But what do you think?
• 1:11:14
  It goes back to a big difference between kids that are outright being.
• 1:11:19
  Visibly mean reported.
• 1:11:21
  You saw it yourself, like really not nice stuff then that maybe you don't want your children to tr try to, you know Right.
• 1:11:29
  Work through.
• 1:11:29
  It's just unsafe.
• 1:11:30
  Yes.
• 1:11:30
  Like things that are unsafe, bad choices.
• 1:11:33
  Like there's such a difference.
• 1:11:35
  I in closing, and we might have already asked you this, if you had to just give like every mom listening, just one last piece of advice to hold onto with raising girls.
• 1:11:44
  What do you think that would be?
• 1:11:49
  Buckle up.
• 1:11:52
  I know, there's so many ups and downs and just when you think, you're like, I got this.
• 1:11:56
  Mm-hmm.
• 1:11:57
  Like I know what to say, I know what to do.
• 1:11:59
  Something happens and you feel like, ugh, like you just went five steps backwards.
• 1:12:05
  But that's any relationship in life.
• 1:12:07
  Yeah.
• 1:12:07
  And they're learning.
• 1:12:08
  You are learning.
• 1:12:10
  And it's just the listening piece is the biggest part.
• 1:12:15
  And focusing on the process, like those two pieces in terms of, navigating everyday experiences.
• 1:12:23
  Great advice.
• 1:12:24
  Love it.
• 1:12:25
  Great advice.
• 1:12:25
  All right.
• 1:12:26
  So we can't let you go without you giving our pink spotlight, which as you remember from last time, is our person, place thing, tip, mantra thing.
• 1:12:37
  Make things making life a little bit better this week.
• 1:12:40
  So.
• 1:12:41
  I'll, I'll go, I'll go first.
• 1:12:43
  I think you kind of mentioned this earlier, that when you, you know, you have your daughter who wants, has like her babysitter in her life who can maybe give her what she needs at the moment and she is you like, and then I saw the pictures of Marissa with your daughter Yes.
• 1:12:59
  When you were on vacation.
• 1:13:00
  And I think that one of the biggest gifts you can give your daughter is like the gift of your own friends.
• 1:13:05
  And you're such a good friend to me and you're so good to my daughters and I feel like I am to your daughter too.
• 1:13:12
  And like, and I love your daughter and I just, I love that my girls can see like the nice friendships that I have with my friends.
• 1:13:19
  I feel like that's such a gift because I lean on you so hard, you know?
• 1:13:23
  Mm-hmm.
• 1:13:24
  And I know like we live close in proximity, so sometimes it's just so much easier to be like, mm-hmm.
• 1:13:29
  Oh, boom.
• 1:13:29
  Right here.
• 1:13:29
  And I just feel like.
• 1:13:31
  My pink spotlight is just like you and our friendship and that our daughters get to see that nice friendship and that they also have other role models and people that they can lean on in life when like, maybe mom can't give it to them at that moment because I'm their mom and maybe I'm too like emotionally invested in something and like somebody else can just stay a little bit more neutral.
• 1:13:51
  Mm-hmm.
• 1:13:51
  And see them for who they are and see the thing for what they are.
• 1:13:54
  I love that.
• 1:13:55
  Yes.
• 1:13:55
  And also give me confidence, like, thank you.
• 1:13:58
  You got this during this time.
• 1:13:59
  Yeah.
• 1:13:59
  Yeah.
• 1:14:00
  So yeah.
• 1:14:00
  It's like multifaceted.
• 1:14:02
  It is.
• 1:14:02
  It is.
• 1:14:03
  And it's, it's nice that the girls, even if they don't realize that's what they're seeing at the time, like I was away last week and Mila was a disaster again, to your point earlier, I was leaving.
• 1:14:12
  She didn't know what was coming next.
• 1:14:13
  Even though we went through a play by play of what would happen in the 48 hours that I was gone.
• 1:14:18
  And Christine said, just have her sleep at my house.
• 1:14:22
  Yeah.
• 1:14:22
  Why don't we just eliminate one night of worry?
• 1:14:25
  And she did.
• 1:14:25
  She had a school night sleepover at Christine's house when she already had a full house.
• 1:14:30
  Well, I don't wanna go backwards because I know we answered everything, but I would be remiss not to mention the other piece about the advice is that having a network that your daughters also feel comfortable a part that you are not the only trusted adult.
• 1:14:45
  Right?
• 1:14:45
  Yes.
• 1:14:45
  Right.
• 1:14:45
  Like that they're surrounded by good people.
• 1:14:48
  And I think good people wind up finding each other mm-hmm.
• 1:14:51
  That they also know they can count on and trust.
• 1:14:54
  Mm-hmm.
• 1:14:54
  Right.
• 1:14:54
  Is really important.
• 1:14:55
  Mm-hmm.
• 1:14:56
  Right.
• 1:14:56
  That's a good, yeah, that's a great point.
• 1:14:58
  Yeah.
• 1:14:58
  It makes you feel very safe.
• 1:14:59
  And I think to your point, I grew up seeing my mom and all of her friendships, and my mom's a great friend, obviously a wonderful mother.
• 1:15:07
  But like, I think that.
• 1:15:09
  Goes a long way.
• 1:15:10
  Like seeing your mom show up for other women, other women show up for your mom.
• 1:15:14
  Mm-hmm.
• 1:15:15
  Like to your point, like being the kid, and I think to all of our points again where we were saying like that, then that's what you strive for.
• 1:15:23
  Yeah.
• 1:15:23
  You know, is like that same level, that same village, right?
• 1:15:27
  Like yesterday was International Women's Day know that everybody takes like women empowerment to like a different level.
• 1:15:33
  Like some people are maybe more feminism or some, you know, sometimes like women in business.
• 1:15:37
  But when I think of International Women's Day, or just like women in general, this is what I mean by it.
• 1:15:42
  Yes.
• 1:15:43
  Like how it's lived every day and.
• 1:15:45
  So I love that.
• 1:15:46
  That's my spotlight.
• 1:15:47
  That's really great.
• 1:15:48
  Yes.
• 1:15:48
  That was really sweet.
• 1:15:49
  That's beautiful.
• 1:15:50
  Mine is gonna, I always, when one of us has like something to even, I, it's a high and a love.
• 1:15:54
  Like the other one will be like, so I have a lip gloss on shirt and mine is a brow pencil today.
• 1:16:00
  We always do that.
• 1:16:01
  I can't leave the house without my brows on.
• 1:16:03
  Okay.
• 1:16:03
  So tell me, so I picked the wrong time.
• 1:16:06
  So I love this brow pencil, but I will say that the thing that sucks about it, I think as with all brow pencils or anything like makeup where you can't freaking see when you're almost at the end of it.
• 1:16:16
  And mine happened to me when I was away.
• 1:16:18
  Oh no.
• 1:16:19
  But and I'm like one of those where like, I wear, I don't wanna wear like any makeup, but I need my brows and I don don't even have it.
• 1:16:25
  And you like your, but you like your stuff though.
• 1:16:26
  Yes.
• 1:16:26
  And I like, like a specific brow.
• 1:16:27
  I like it looking very natural.
• 1:16:29
  But it's the CSAs.
• 1:16:31
  Brow pop and it's the nano, so it's such a fine point that it makes it so natural looking.
• 1:16:38
  And so I love it.
• 1:16:40
  I just, I feel like it only lasts me like a good six weeks, which is not great, but I literally need to go and buy like three at a time.
• 1:16:47
  Like that's how much I love it.
• 1:16:48
  'cause I cannot run out of it again.
• 1:16:50
  And it's happened to be like two or three days.
• 1:16:51
  Is it, when you say nano, like is it actually nano or The stroke is nano.
• 1:16:55
  The stroke is so nano.
• 1:16:57
  Oh.
• 1:16:57
  That I feel like if I use anything regular now I'm like, whoa.
• 1:17:01
  It's like too much.
• 1:17:02
  And so that's what I have on right now and I like need to go on.
• 1:17:05
  What color it is it Dark brown.
• 1:17:06
  So it's a soft, I have the soft brown, so I like to go a little bit lighter.
• 1:17:10
  And my husband actually, I forget where we were, but he was like, this was like probably a couple weeks ago and he was like.
• 1:17:17
  Your feast just looks really nice.
• 1:17:19
  Like, and I was like it, and I had no makeup on and I was like, it's my brows.
• 1:17:23
  And he's like, yeah, your brows look really good.
• 1:17:25
  And I was like, it's my brow pencil.
• 1:17:26
  I think guests should get the pink spotlight item.
• 1:17:29
  Yes, I know we should.
• 1:17:30
  Okay, I'll, I, well, I don't even have some for myself, but I let you get one.
• 1:17:35
  I'll hand them out like candy.
• 1:17:36
  Luckily you're close by to us.
• 1:17:38
  It's really, really good.
• 1:17:39
  Okay.
• 1:17:39
  I love it.
• 1:17:40
  I know I want one too.
• 1:17:41
  I have to go get it at Sephora.
• 1:17:42
  'cause that's where I usually get it from.
• 1:17:43
  That's you get at Sephora.
• 1:17:44
  I'm Cosa.
• 1:17:46
  I'm CSUs.
• 1:17:46
  Okay.
• 1:17:46
  It's the nano brow and I like the soft brown and I have like medium-ish dark brown hair and so I like to go lighter.
• 1:17:53
  Okay.
• 1:17:53
  Because this is like an everyday brow.
• 1:17:55
  Okay.
• 1:17:56
  Like not a bold, and I've, I've looked for like a dupe for it, but I cannot find anything like that.
• 1:18:00
  Fine.
• 1:18:00
  Oh wow.
• 1:18:00
  It's so fine.
• 1:18:01
  It almost feels like a pencil tip.
• 1:18:03
  Like it's so fine.
• 1:18:05
  I love it.
• 1:18:05
  I love that.
• 1:18:05
  I love it.
• 1:18:06
  Good.
• 1:18:06
  It good one send like that too.
• 1:18:07
  It's a good one.
• 1:18:09
  So my pink spotlight also seems very superficial after.
• 1:18:12
  It's okay.
• 1:18:13
  We love it after Christina's really thoughtful.
• 1:18:15
  Honestly.
• 1:18:15
  Thank you.
• 1:18:16
  Oh really?
• 1:18:16
  Well it's true.
• 1:18:18
  And I can't live without using the notes app on my iPhone and so No, we love it.
• 1:18:24
  Tip.
• 1:18:24
  I not only use it for babysitting, scheduling, I also suggest it to clients like when you are feeling dysregulated and you don't know what to say to someone, or you're too hot to call someone either dictated in your notes section.
• 1:18:40
  Yeah, write it all down, refine it.
• 1:18:41
  Like think about what you really want to say.
• 1:18:44
  And use that to your advantage.
• 1:18:46
  Since we always have our phones, let's use it in a functional way.
• 1:18:49
  But what I also like too is like I send it to the babysitters if I'm gone for the weekend or for the week, or just everyday stuff.
• 1:18:56
  And you can edit it as you're going.
• 1:18:57
  And everyone sees the edits or I send it to them and say like, this is what I need this week.
• 1:19:03
  Put your name in if you're available.
• 1:19:05
  It's like a signup sheet to babysit from my, yeah.
• 1:19:07
  Oh my God, that's great.
• 1:19:07
  It's like signup genius, but it's in notes.
• 1:19:10
  And then that way you're,'cause I know you are sensitive to this, like you don't wanna like hurt anybody's feelings like, oh, I'm shorting you the hours.
• 1:19:16
  So you put it out and whoever, so do you have like, is it like a group?
• 1:19:20
  If you do, so I'll have different, like a shared one.
• 1:19:22
  Right.
• 1:19:22
  So if let's say I was in Quebec last week, it would be called like Quebec Week.
• 1:19:27
  Okay.
• 1:19:27
  And then I would share it with all the people that were going to help, because unfortunately I don't have like one full-time babysitter.
• 1:19:35
  So I have like lots of different amazing people in our life that help.
• 1:19:39
  And you know, and they're teenagers so they have busy stuff going on too.
• 1:19:44
  So I'm always like piecing things together.
• 1:19:46
  And I use it for our family too.
• 1:19:47
  Like this is everything we have from now until August.
• 1:19:52
  Mm-hmm.
• 1:19:52
  Like big events.
• 1:19:52
  Mm-hmm.
• 1:19:52
  And then that's called like summer 2026 Right.
• 1:19:55
  Or whatever.
• 1:19:55
  I love learning how people use notes.
• 1:19:57
  'cause I do think it's like, well it helps with efficiency.
• 1:19:59
  Yes.
• 1:20:00
  Wait, and then one more thing, you could take the note and you could put it in chat GPT and you could say like, create an I cal link for the events that are in my notes.
• 1:20:11
  What?
• 1:20:11
  And then you can add it to your calendar.
• 1:20:13
  Stop it.
• 1:20:14
  So your notes will become events right on your get out iPhone.
• 1:20:18
  Oh, I didn't know that.
• 1:20:19
  Yes.
• 1:20:19
  Whoa.
• 1:20:19
  Okay.
• 1:20:20
  So walk us through that.
• 1:20:21
  So say you had a bunch of dates, so let's say I have tryouts.
• 1:20:24
  Okay.
• 1:20:24
  Like April 1st, second, eighth, and ninth.
• 1:20:27
  Yeah.
• 1:20:27
  With all the times.
• 1:20:28
  Yep.
• 1:20:29
  And who's driving and who's doing all the things.
• 1:20:31
  Right.
• 1:20:31
  So then you could go, you would copy it, go into chat.
• 1:20:35
  GPT.
• 1:20:36
  Pasted and say, create an I Cal or a Google Calendar link for this event and call it tryouts.
• 1:20:43
  And it would go for all of those different dates, or do you have to do each one?
• 1:20:46
  No.
• 1:20:46
  So then it would make the link and then you would go to your calendar and it adds it, upload it, click it, and then all of a sudden it's in the spot.
• 1:20:53
  That's amazing.
• 1:20:53
  Genius.
• 1:20:54
  Or even like a flyer, like let's say you see a flyer at a store and it has like seven dates.
• 1:20:59
  You could take a picture of the flyer and say, create an I Cal link for these activities.
• 1:21:04
  That is.
• 1:21:05
  But we're getting like a three in one with this, right?
• 1:21:07
  The notes and the interface with the calendar is really essential for me.
• 1:21:12
  I love that.
• 1:21:13
  And I love the shared piece.
• 1:21:14
  'cause I feel like a lot of people don't do the shared notes and shared notes are just like, so great.
• 1:21:19
  Amazing.
• 1:21:19
  I actually do that with my nanny too.
• 1:21:21
  We have like a shared note and just so that we don't have to like brain dump on each other.
• 1:21:25
  Like at the end of the day or the start of the day, it's like, who needs what, who's doing what?
• 1:21:29
  Like we just have a note where it's like, someone had a snack at this time, this is what time they napped.
• 1:21:35
  Like, just so that I'm not asking her when she's running out the door.
• 1:21:37
  It's not like, wait, wait, what time did he wake up?
• 1:21:39
  Or what, you know, what, what did he eat already?
• 1:21:41
  You know, it's like we kind of just kind of keep it updated throughout the day and then, and sometimes you're not looking through, you don't wanna go back through text message or ping each other on text.
• 1:21:49
  So if you know that it's in the shared notes, it feels like professional have to bother each other in there.
• 1:21:54
  Oh, I have the data.
• 1:21:55
  Yep.
• 1:21:55
  Oh, I love that.
• 1:21:56
  As I'm making like the summer, like camp calendar and everything.
• 1:22:00
  Yeah.
• 1:22:00
  I should put it all in the notes page and then just do that like summer 2026.
• 1:22:04
  Right.
• 1:22:04
  'cause someone might be like, oh, can you do this weekend?
• 1:22:06
  I'm like let me check.
• 1:22:07
  And I only like, if I sign the kids up for something, I immediately put it right in there.
• 1:22:12
  So then I have everything in one place.
• 1:22:14
  Then you.
• 1:22:15
  That is so great.
• 1:22:15
  That's great.
• 1:22:16
  I love that.
• 1:22:17
  I know.
• 1:22:18
  That is so helpful.
• 1:22:19
  I know.
• 1:22:19
  All right Chris, thanks for coming back.
• 1:22:20
  Thank you.
• 1:22:21
  Coming back, we, I know I, you're very special.
• 1:22:24
  Wealth of knowledge.
• 1:22:26
  We love you.
• 1:22:26
  And we love you.
• 1:22:26
  This was so great.
• 1:22:27
  Thank you so much.
• 1:22:28
  And we will be back next week with a little catch up T and I.
• 1:22:31
  'cause it's been a couple weeks since it's been the two of us, so we have a lot to catch up on.
• 1:22:35
  Yes.
• 1:22:35
  And we also have other good guests lines up too that are coming on, all right.
• 1:22:39
  See you next.
• 1:22:40
  Bye.
• 1:23:11
  hi Camilla.
• 1:23:12
  Thanks for coming on today.
• 1:23:14
  Hi.
• 1:23:14
  We've been talking about this for a while about you coming on, and I'm so happy to have you here.
• 1:23:19
  Thank you.
• 1:23:21
  So today's episode that I'm, that Christina and I are recording with Dr.
• 1:23:25
  Lang is about how we as moms want to raise strong girls in 2026.
• 1:23:34
  And since I have a very strong girl right next to me, I wanted to have you on today to talk about that a little bit.
• 1:23:40
  Yeah, so I got fourth place on my solo and I was really grateful.
• 1:23:47
  So we didn't practice my group dance that much'cause it was really stressful.
• 1:23:54
  We got first place on my group dance.
• 1:23:56
  Tell me, tell me what was stressful about.
• 1:23:58
  Practicing the group dance so everyone was getting confused.
• 1:24:01
  'cause we were always in tiny spaces, like we were in this tiny space and I was like, Madison or on?
• 1:24:10
  I'm on this side, I'm on the right left side.
• 1:24:15
  And I was like, you are on the left side.
• 1:24:17
  And she was like, no, the audience is right there.
• 1:24:20
  I was like, I am right.
• 1:24:22
  So we didn't practice.
• 1:24:24
  It was too stressful.
• 1:24:27
  They're, I'm gonna tell you a story.
• 1:24:29
  So we are a small group in my group dance.
• 1:24:34
  So they were done with second place and I was like, well, we must have not placed, or we must have got first place.
• 1:24:47
  But you were thinking it wasn't gonna be first place.
• 1:24:49
  You were like, oh, we probably didn't place No.
• 1:24:52
  Yeah, I was thinking that.
• 1:24:53
  So I was like.
• 1:24:56
  Well, we must got first place because we did so good.
• 1:25:03
  So then they called 1 0 6 and I was like, that is my number.
• 1:25:08
  And they haven't even called the name yet.
• 1:25:10
  And I started cheering and I was like, bow.
• 1:25:13
  How did it feel to win?
• 1:25:15
  It felt really good.
• 1:25:17
  How does it feel when you don't win?
• 1:25:21
  Really bad.
• 1:25:22
  What?
• 1:25:22
  I didn't like it.
• 1:25:24
  Yeah.
• 1:25:24
  What is bad about it?
• 1:25:26
  Um, like, I don't like losing and I don't like getting, um, underscores than an, and then any of my friends.
• 1:25:38
  'cause I feel like you, they do a better job than me.
• 1:25:41
  I know.
• 1:25:42
  Isn't it hard to feel like you're competing against your friends?
• 1:25:45
  Yes.
• 1:25:45
  It's the worst feeling ever.
• 1:25:46
  It doesn't get easier, especially younger friends when they beat me.
• 1:25:50
  I'm so mad.
• 1:25:52
  Are you still happy for them at the same time?
• 1:25:54
  Yeah.
• 1:25:55
  So you can still be happy for them and be disappointed in yourself.
• 1:25:59
  Yeah.
• 1:25:59
  That's totally normal.
• 1:26:00
  I'm like proud of you for feeling like that.
• 1:26:03
  So I wanted to have you on today so you can share that with our listeners, but I wanted to talk to you a little bit about being a strong girl.
• 1:26:10
  So first of all, what do you think that means?
• 1:26:13
  What do you think it means to be a strong girl like you?
• 1:26:17
  Like stand up for stuff.
• 1:26:20
  And you're brave enough for like to stand up from all a lot of people like in right in front of you.
• 1:26:28
  Okay.
• 1:26:30
  Do you think you're a strong girl?
• 1:26:31
  Yeah.
• 1:26:32
  Yeah, I think so too.
• 1:26:34
  Do you think that you are like that because of things that mom is teaching you, or do you think that's just who you are?
• 1:26:43
  That's just who I am.
• 1:26:45
  Yeah.
• 1:26:46
  Well, is there stuff that, so, okay, let me ask you this.
• 1:26:50
  Do you think I'm strong?
• 1:26:53
  Yeah.
• 1:26:55
  Because every time, um, um, you are like, um, you're at OAH, you're like helping everyone.
• 1:27:09
  'cause everyone like doesn't know when they're racist.
• 1:27:12
  And you're like being strong to help them.
• 1:27:16
  Yeah.
• 1:27:17
  So you think I'm strong?
• 1:27:18
  Yeah.
• 1:27:19
  Is there anybody that you know in your life that you don't think is strong?
• 1:27:25
  You don't have to name names.
• 1:27:27
  Daddy.
• 1:27:28
  No.
• 1:27:29
  Daddy's very strong.
• 1:27:30
  I know.
• 1:27:31
  What about, do you have any questions for me?
• 1:27:34
  Yeah, tell me.
• 1:27:35
  Ask me anything.
• 1:27:37
  How did you feel this weekend about the competition?
• 1:27:43
  That's a really good question.
• 1:27:44
  So it's a lot.
• 1:27:47
  There's a lot of people and, and you're there for a long time.
• 1:27:52
  Yeah.
• 1:27:52
  We're there for the whole day.
• 1:27:54
  And I like, you're my main focus, right?
• 1:27:58
  And I want you to be comfortable and I want you to be happy and I want you to be good.
• 1:28:02
  But sometimes I feel like when I'm like on top of you and I'm giving you too much attention, you're like, oh, gimme space.
• 1:28:09
  Leave me alone.
• 1:28:10
  So it's.
• 1:28:11
  I, I have a hard time at the competitions because I'm trying to help you and I'm trying to be there for you.
• 1:28:15
  But at the same time you're like, I need my space.
• 1:28:19
  So I feel like we need to get into like a better groove of how to get through a long day like that and be good.
• 1:28:26
  What do you think?
• 1:28:28
  Yeah.
• 1:28:28
  And also we like had to wake up at like five something.
• 1:28:36
  Yeah.
• 1:28:36
  So we tired.
• 1:28:38
  Seven 40.
• 1:28:40
  Seven 30.
• 1:28:42
  Yeah.
• 1:28:43
  So we were tired and we got home at like eight.
• 1:28:46
  I know we got home at eight something.
• 1:28:48
  Wait and tell them about what happened when we got home.
• 1:28:50
  How funny.
• 1:28:51
  That was with dinner.
• 1:28:53
  Remember we got home and there was no dinner and mommy started getting mad.
• 1:28:57
  Yeah.
• 1:28:57
  And in the car she said, I am going to kill him.
• 1:29:01
  I got a hungry girl in the back.
• 1:29:05
  But you were fine.
• 1:29:06
  What did we end up making when we got home?
• 1:29:09
  Past and meatballs and you ate it and you went right to bed.
• 1:29:12
  So what did you think of the competition?
• 1:29:16
  I absolutely loved it.
• 1:29:17
  Yeah.
• 1:29:18
  What was your, what is your least favorite part of the whole thing?
• 1:29:24
  My least favorite part would probably be, um.
• 1:29:30
  Um, when we had to practice it.
• 1:29:34
  Mm.
• 1:29:34
  That's stressful.
• 1:29:35
  Really stressful.
• 1:29:37
  Yeah.
• 1:29:38
  So what would be the best thing to do then?
• 1:29:40
  Um, probably just leave for a second.
• 1:29:45
  So I guess I have a hard time with this.
• 1:29:48
  They want you to warm up ahead of time for your dance, right?
• 1:29:50
  And they want us to be sweaty and they want you to be sweaty, but also we don't wanna stress you out right before you go on.
• 1:29:58
  So what's the best thing to do?
• 1:30:01
  Probably like with my good friend, he wouldn't be stressful.
• 1:30:05
  Lila, I could, um, get ready with her.
• 1:30:09
  Who's Lila?
• 1:30:10
  Um, oh yeah.
• 1:30:13
  She's awesome.
• 1:30:14
  Yeah.
• 1:30:14
  Very chill.
• 1:30:16
  Super chill.
• 1:30:16
  I like that.
• 1:30:17
  Okay.
• 1:30:18
  I think you can go off to the side and do what?
• 1:30:19
  Like stretching?
• 1:30:21
  Yeah.
• 1:30:22
  Lunges.
• 1:30:23
  But with moms around or without moms around without.
• 1:30:26
  Yeah.
• 1:30:27
  'cause don't you feel like we stress you out?
• 1:30:30
  I know.
• 1:30:30
  I think next competition you and I need to have like a special look for each other.
• 1:30:36
  Like, okay, let's get outta here or let's move aside and let's not, or maybe we bring like headphones with music.
• 1:30:44
  Mm-hmm.
• 1:30:46
  Okay.
• 1:30:47
  What other questions do you have for me?
• 1:30:49
  Um.
• 1:30:52
  What would you like really say to dad?
• 1:30:58
  Like when we were coming home, like, I got a hungry kid, please start cooking.
• 1:31:04
  Because he was like not still at the place.
• 1:31:07
  The message would've like came in late.
• 1:31:10
  Mm-hmm.
• 1:31:11
  That sometimes happens.
• 1:31:12
  Mm-hmm.
• 1:31:13
  So what else could you have said?
• 1:31:15
  Like to be nicer.
• 1:31:16
  Yeah.
• 1:31:17
  Like, oh, I wish you had gotten food for us because we're both hungry.
• 1:31:21
  Can you start getting dinner ready?
• 1:31:23
  Yeah.
• 1:31:24
  That probably would've, isn't it always easier to like replace scenarios in your head afterwards?
• 1:31:30
  Yep.
• 1:31:32
  What do you wanna ask me?
• 1:31:36
  What is your favorite thing about your mom?
• 1:31:38
  My favorite thing probably that she takes care of me.
• 1:31:46
  Yeah.
• 1:31:47
  In what way?
• 1:31:47
  What way do you like to be taken care of?
• 1:31:50
  I like by cuddles.
• 1:31:53
  Yeah.
• 1:31:53
  Kiss and hugs.
• 1:31:54
  Oh, do you hate when I leave you?
• 1:31:56
  Mm-hmm.
• 1:31:58
  Why?
• 1:31:58
  Because I'm alone to the mic like this.
• 1:32:03
  'cause I'm alone.
• 1:32:04
  I leave you alone.
• 1:32:07
  No.
• 1:32:07
  Like when you're on trips.
• 1:32:09
  Especially on trips.
• 1:32:11
  So what, because there's no way for you to get back.
• 1:32:14
  Hmm.
• 1:32:15
  What about when I go to dinner and you have to stay with a babysitter?
• 1:32:19
  I don't really like it.
• 1:32:21
  'cause you always come home at like a certain time, like, um, like nine.
• 1:32:29
  Yeah.
• 1:32:29
  In one time you were home at.
• 1:32:32
  8 0 8.
• 1:32:34
  10 0 8 and that was too late.
• 1:32:36
  Mm-hmm.
• 1:32:37
  Who was babysitting you that night?
• 1:32:42
  Maybe.
• 1:32:43
  Was Joseph babysitting you that night?
• 1:32:47
  No.
• 1:32:47
  'cause it was like you, Joseph.
• 1:32:50
  'cause it was at a game.
• 1:32:52
  Oh, right.
• 1:32:53
  Oh.
• 1:32:53
  Um, Ranna was babysitting you.
• 1:32:55
  Yeah.
• 1:32:56
  Do you have a favorite babysitter?
• 1:32:58
  Mm-hmm.
• 1:32:58
  Who?
• 1:33:00
  Probably, um, not Aya.
• 1:33:04
  Don't say that.
• 1:33:05
  Who's your favorite babysitter?
• 1:33:07
  Ella.
• 1:33:08
  Ella, your big sister from dance?
• 1:33:10
  Yeah.
• 1:33:10
  I'm, I thought you would say Sophia.
• 1:33:13
  And Sophia because one is in college, one is at dance.
• 1:33:19
  The next year the book's gonna be in college.
• 1:33:23
  I think Ella has one more year for college.
• 1:33:26
  I think she's a junior.
• 1:33:28
  I think she has one more year.
• 1:33:30
  Yeah.
• 1:33:31
  Well I'm still gonna miss them'cause next year Ella's gonna be done with dance.
• 1:33:36
  Like she can't do it.
• 1:33:38
  When you grow up, what do you wanna be?
• 1:33:42
  Um.
• 1:33:45
  Stay at home mom.
• 1:33:46
  Stay at home mom.
• 1:33:48
  And tell me, what do you, what kind of a mom do you wanna be?
• 1:33:51
  I wanna be a loving, caring mom.
• 1:33:54
  A loving, caring mom.
• 1:33:55
  And when, when they ask to stay home, I would say one more day and I'll see, and I'll ask your teacher for a report.
• 1:34:05
  So, and if there's one thing wrong.
• 1:34:08
  Yeah.
• 1:34:09
  Wow.
• 1:34:10
  Okay.
• 1:34:12
  Well, tell me this.
• 1:34:14
  Only whenever they ask, what if you wanna go away with your friends, will you ask me to watch your kids?
• 1:34:22
  Yeah.
• 1:34:23
  And what if they cry and say, I want mommy.
• 1:34:26
  Um, I'll, since I'm a loving, caring mom, like I said, I would say like, we could call mommy and if she doesn't answer, she would probably be at dinner.
• 1:34:39
  And in the morning we could text mommy.
• 1:34:44
  Okay.
• 1:34:47
  But you'll let your, but you'll leave your kids.
• 1:34:49
  Right.
• 1:34:49
  But you have to be careful for my baby.
• 1:34:52
  Okay.
• 1:34:52
  I will.
• 1:34:53
  But you, but you'll, but you'll let me, but you'll leave them, right?
• 1:34:56
  Because you'll wanna be, um, a loving, caring wife too.
• 1:34:59
  Right?
• 1:34:59
  One time just with my baby.
• 1:35:02
  Am I am my husband and me to be on the trip.
• 1:35:07
  Yeah.
• 1:35:08
  Oh, I hope you get all those things you want in life.
• 1:35:11
  So tell me more, tell me more about yourself.
• 1:35:14
  Something else myself.
• 1:35:16
  Some interesting facts is probably that, um, probably that I.
• 1:35:30
  Um, I, um, I don't like being alone.
• 1:35:35
  Mm.
• 1:35:36
  Why do you think that is?
• 1:35:37
  You don't feel safe.
• 1:35:39
  Yeah.
• 1:35:41
  Oh, what's in, what's an interest fact?
• 1:35:44
  An interesting fact of you.
• 1:35:46
  Good question.
• 1:35:47
  I like to be alone.
• 1:35:49
  What?
• 1:35:50
  Oh, why, what were you gonna say?
• 1:35:54
  Because, because, um, you have to have alone time'cause you live with your kids.
• 1:36:02
  It's Has really, honestly, it has nothing to do with you or dad.
• 1:36:05
  And I'm a good working boyfriend who, I mean, not boyfriend, husband, like, who cleans the house with me, helps me do the dishes.
• 1:36:14
  Takes care of the kids.
• 1:36:16
  Sometimes when I'm like out, probably at work, if I'm like a teacher when I grow up sometimes.
• 1:36:24
  Yeah.
• 1:36:25
  Yeah.
• 1:36:26
  You wanna have a good like mutual relationship where you both pitch in and help.
• 1:36:30
  Yeah.
• 1:36:30
  I love that for you.
• 1:36:32
  Yeah.
• 1:36:32
  Do you think I have that with dad?
• 1:36:35
  Um.
• 1:36:36
  Yeah.
• 1:36:37
  Do you think I do most of the work?
• 1:36:39
  Yeah.
• 1:36:39
  Or do you do, you're the one who always cooks dinner, but for Mother's Day, I mean, yeah, for Mother's Day.
• 1:36:47
  I have a special surprise coming up for you.
• 1:36:49
  Oh, well all your girlfriends really?
• 1:36:54
  Yeah.
• 1:36:55
  I would love that.
• 1:36:56
  So this year I'm gonna be 40 in September and on my birthday it's a Friday.
• 1:37:01
  I wanna have all my girlfriends here and have like a special day.
• 1:37:04
  Don't you think that would be fun?
• 1:37:06
  Yeah.
• 1:37:08
  Um, so any other questions, Camille?
• 1:37:11
  No, actually.
• 1:37:14
  Um, do you have a favorite color?
• 1:37:17
  You never suggest that?
• 1:37:19
  I love the color purple.
• 1:37:22
  I love brown.
• 1:37:23
  I like pink.
• 1:37:26
  Do you know Dad's dad likes blue.
• 1:37:29
  He likes like lime green.
• 1:37:31
  Like, what's that?
• 1:37:35
  I don't know.
• 1:37:36
  Joseph's favorite color is yellow.
• 1:37:38
  Vincent's favorite color is orange.
• 1:37:40
  Ava's is pink.
• 1:37:41
  Yours is purple?
• 1:37:42
  Yeah.
• 1:37:43
  Used to be orange.
• 1:37:45
  Yours used to be orange.
• 1:37:46
  Yeah, I remember.
• 1:37:47
  Is your favorite color still purple or is it a new color now it's purple.
• 1:37:51
  Yeah.
• 1:37:51
  Actually like, uh, like teal bluey.
• 1:37:55
  Yeah.
• 1:37:55
  You're more of a teal girl, I would say.
• 1:37:59
  Well, I loved having you on our podcast today.
• 1:38:01
  I have to have like questions and you have to answer.
• 1:38:04
  Oh, okay.
• 1:38:05
  Go ahead.
• 1:38:05
  I'm gonna answer all your questions.
• 1:38:06
  You gotta talk into the microphone.
• 1:38:10
  Is Ava's birth by January 7th?
• 1:38:12
  Yes.
• 1:38:15
  Um, daddy's birthday, March 16th, which she's coming up.
• 1:38:19
  Yes.
• 1:38:20
  Is Auntie Gina's birthday?
• 1:38:23
  April?
• 1:38:27
  I know it's in April 23rd.
• 1:38:30
  April 23rd.
• 1:38:31
  Yes.
• 1:38:32
  It's been since, I mean, it's.
• 1:38:35
  Joseph's birthday food first.
• 1:38:38
  Yep.
• 1:38:39
  Grandma and c Grandpa's birthday.
• 1:38:41
  Um, grandma's birthday is February 22nd.
• 1:38:44
  Mm-hmm.
• 1:38:45
  C's birthday is February 16th.
• 1:38:47
  Wow, you're good.
• 1:38:49
  And is Vincent's birthday October 16th?
• 1:38:53
  Vincent's is August 26th.
• 1:38:56
  26th.
• 1:38:56
  Yeah.
• 1:38:57
  It was something that starts at the O or A is your birthday September 11th?
• 1:39:04
  Mm-hmm.
• 1:39:04
  It is.
• 1:39:05
  I was right.
• 1:39:06
  You're so smart.
• 1:39:07
  You know everything about us.
• 1:39:09
  Any other questions for me?
• 1:39:11
  Auntie's birthday, auntie Issa, December 29th.
• 1:39:16
  Very good.
• 1:39:17
  Yay.
• 1:39:21
  Anything else?
• 1:39:22
  Mm-hmm.
• 1:39:22
  Well, I love you.
• 1:39:24
  Happy You too.
• 1:39:25
  Thanks for coming on.
• 1:39:26
  All right, everybody.
• 1:39:27
  Well this is my daughter, Camilla.
• 1:39:29
  Thanks for me.
• 1:39:29
  Thanks for coming on and talking about dance and your life and being a strong girl.
• 1:39:37
  And what are we gonna work on this week?
• 1:39:40
  We always like to work on something.
• 1:39:42
  I don't know.
• 1:39:45
  What should I work on?
• 1:39:47
  It's always easier to you.
• 1:39:48
  You What should I work on helping us get ready for lunch and.
• 1:39:54
  School anymore.
• 1:39:54
  Every morning you let, you want me to make the mornings a little bit smoother?
• 1:39:59
  Yes.
• 1:39:59
  By doing better lunches.
• 1:40:01
  Yeah.
• 1:40:01
  And better get ready for school.
• 1:40:03
  Yes.
• 1:40:05
  Anything you wanna work on?
• 1:40:07
  I don't know.
• 1:40:09
  All right.
• 1:40:09
  Well think it over.
• 1:40:11
  All right.
• 1:40:11
  Till next time.
• 1:40:13
  See you next week.
• 1:40:14
  Bye.