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The Empty Vessel: Why Cheaters Cheat and How to Heal · The Diva Details

0:01
Welcome to the Diva Detail. Welcome to the Diva
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Detail, where bold, confident women embrace life unapologetically.
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From love and sex to wellness and reinvention,
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we keep it raw, real, and powerful. No filters,
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no limits, just fearless conversations to help
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you thrive. Let's dive in with Diva Mia.
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Well, hello, this is Diva Mia. Today we're going to talk a little bit about
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cheating. We've talked about it in the past and how it
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affects people, but today we're going to talk about it without the sanitized
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version. Not that, oh, we grew apart, not that his needs weren't being
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met, but what happens when you're meeting his needs and they still cheat?
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Not the bullshit story that somehow always finds a way to put a microscope
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on the woman who got betrayed, but the microscope needs to be pointed quite frankly,
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on the person that's doing the betrayal. I'm talking about the kind of man cheating
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where a man has a woman at home who loves him, supports him,
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desires him, has sex with him regularly, daily even,
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gives him affection, gives him attention, gives him a real relationship,
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and he still goes looking outside of it. Because I recently
1:15
learned something that completely changed what I thought had happened in my
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own relationship. I believed I had been dealing with emotional cheating,
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online women, messages, Attention,
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validation-seeking, kind of a detached attachment
1:29
style or an avoidant attachment style, somebody that needs constant validation.
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That was bad enough. I ended up breaking up over that.
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But then one woman contacted me today and let
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me know that it wasn't just emotional cheating,
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that he's been with at least one woman, if not several more,
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and had affairs while we were dating pretty much every time I left town.
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That was bad enough. I have no idea if he actually slept
1:55
in my house with this other woman. Once I discovered that there's more and that
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there has been an affair and that he put my
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health at risk, he had told the woman that he was single. Let that sink
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in. Even though we'd been in a relationship for months together and
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he wasn't confused about where he was in the relationship, he was the one that
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wanted an exclusive relationship. He didn't actually forget he had
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a girlfriend. He intentionally lied. He constructed
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a whole separate reality in which I didn't even exist so he could have access
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to another woman because he was at my house 5 to 6 days a week.
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And suddenly a lot of things became very clear. So I'm
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not doing today's episode to publicly destroy somebody. I'm not naming anybody.
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I'm doing it because women need to stop absorbing responsibility for
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behavior that was never theirs to carry in the first place. Cheaters cheat,
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and there's a reason there is that saying. And because there is one sentence
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I desperately want women to to understand who have been cheated
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on to hear. Sometimes he doesn't cheat because something was missing from
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the relationship. He cheated because something's missing inside him.
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There's something wrong. It's an enormous character flaw for someone
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to cheat. And in fact, that's the majority of people that cheat,
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whether they're male or female. They've got a hole in their soul.
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There's something missing that's extremely wrong with them in
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order to cheat. I think this is the reason why companies are actually firing people
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now that they catch cheating, because they find out that they're not good as
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employees either. They tend to not be solid workers. They tend to
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jump jobs a lot. But let's retire this ridiculous question.
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When women discover that their partners cheat and immediately somebody asks,
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were you having sex? Were you affectionate? Were you paying enough attention
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to him? Were you— were things stressful? Did you make him feel appreciated
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enough? Excuse me. I was in a relationship where sex was often,
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in fact, nearly daily and constant touching, constant flirting,
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constant playfulness, and constant communication as
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far as loving goes. Even talked— he was even talking about marriage
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in the future. I wasn't ready for that, but he was. And yet he still
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had affairs. When does another adult's dishonesty become
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a performance review of the woman who got betrayed? And here's what
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makes this narrative especially absurd. There are
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men cheating on women who are having sex with them constantly. There are men cheating
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on beautiful women, successful women, sexually adventurous
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women, women that try all different kinds of things, women that are constantly giving oral
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sex, affectionate women, supportive women, women that take care of their
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men, women that are making sure that their men's emotional needs are met,
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women who are happily discussing fantasies, fun things in
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the bedroom, toys, things so you don't get boring. They still
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cheat. Let's be honest. Intimacy or anything else that your
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partner does that they do with a person, whether it's online cheating,
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emotionally or physically, it's cheating. They still cheat. But why?
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Because cheating isn't always about access to sex.
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Research on infidelity has identified multiple motivations,
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including sexual variety, They want to try something new. They want to
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try someone new. They just want the variety. They have low self-esteem.
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Most of the people that cheat have very low self-esteem and low self-confidence
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and are very insecure. They also may have anger issues.
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They have a low commitment threshold. They don't want to commit to someone even though
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they say they want you to be their girlfriend. They want you there so
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whenever they want to go out, they have a girlfriend. They want you there to
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hold them down. They want you there for the consistent sex,
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but they want to go outside the relationship for other opportunities.
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And there's no lack of love or neglect and sexual desire
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is there as well. So there's really no reason to go
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outside the relationship. In fact, I was with a man who wasn't even
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satisfying me because I wanted it way more than him. And he still cheated.
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I was like asking for sex more often and he couldn't perform.
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So did you catch any of these? Self-esteem is one of the
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big ones. Constant need for validation from other people.
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Is another big one. For some people, another person's wanting them gives
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them a temporary hit of, of importance. So if they can go out
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there and they can find somebody new that finds them interesting,
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they get a big boost to their ego and they
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have validation and they get self-esteem. And it's very short-lived.
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They aren't necessarily looking for better sex. They're looking for another mirror
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of their flaws to be covered up. Another person saying you're attractive,
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you're desirable. Oh, you're cute. You're sexy. You're interesting. You're wanted.
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You're special. And when one mirror stops being enough, they go looking for
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another one and then another and another. And they don't
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have— they have an insatiable appetite for something different.
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You cannot love someone enough to permanently fill a hole that requires strangers
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to keep validating them, him or her. That's an inside job.
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And there's women like this too. Don't get me wrong. But lately it seems
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like the majority of the people in this area are men.
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They have an addiction to online porn. They have an addiction to constant validation
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online from other women. They think that it's real. And then when they get
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it, they realize it didn't really actually exist. And this is why
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other women may never ever be better because women torture
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themselves after an affair. Was she prettier? Was she thinner? Was she younger,
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better in bed, more interesting? What did she have I didn't have?
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I don't have any of those questions. Maybe nothing. Seriously,
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because it was a hole in him. Because you may
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be thinking competition when, when he was thinking, ooh,
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I have an opportunity. And men like opportunities.
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They don't necessarily cheat for better. They just cheat because it's available.
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And sometimes the affair partner isn't replacing you. She's supplying
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something else, something new, a different fantasy, a different attention,
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an ego boost, a type of escape, or just the fact that it's
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a secret. And some guys just get off and have an adrenaline rush because
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it's a secret. And the reality is, if it was a fantasy,
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he could have discussed it with you. He wanted something different,
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that secret adrenaline rush that he could get from someone else, a different
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version of himself. That's why comparing yourself with her becomes
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psychological quicksand, because you're trying to win a competition that may
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never have even existed. And in my situation, I learned something else that matters.
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The other woman was told he was single. That changes the equation.
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But now you don't just have infidelity. You have deliberate deception
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occurring in multiple directions. He's lying to the woman he's with.
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He's lying to the woman he's pursuing. He's controlling what each woman knows
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so he can maintain access to both. That's not something caught between
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2 great loves. That's something manipulating information to get
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what he wants. It's a huge difference. A huge liar, a huge manipulator,
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and there's a lot of men out there, ladies, that are very skilled at this.
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And it's a big deal. Game to them. And honestly, then you look
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back at the relationship and you're like, well, was any of it real? And you
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have to question, it probably wasn't. There's another trap women
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fall into. We start psychoanalyzing him.
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Maybe he's an avoidant. Maybe he has scared of intimacy issues.
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Maybe he's got childhood trauma that made him do this, or he's just
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insecure and needs validation, or he's afraid of abandonment. Maybe.
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But does it make it any different? Understanding psychology can help
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explain his behavior, but it doesn't excuse it. Attachment problems don't make
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someone download an and go out there searching for someone to sleep
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with. Childhood trauma doesn't type, I'm single, or, I want no
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strings attached affairs. Insecurity does not force someone to arrange
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an affair. At some point, there are choices. And a series of choices,
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from conversations to flirting to secrecy to constant
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lying, and then meeting up with people and just having
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random hookups whenever that person leaves town,
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that's called an affair. And the COVID story is they
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delete their files, they hide their phone, phones. They tell you that,
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oh, I'm getting a lot of spam calls. I had that one as well.
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Cheating is rarely one 5-second mistake and oops,
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it's done. Usually it's a chain of decisions and they choose to, and every
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link in that chain requires an opportunity to stop. That's one of
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the hardest realizations that I had to come to. You may think you know what
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happened because you asked. I was in a relationship that I got divorced
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from where at the end it wasn't the most loving. When we
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broke up, it was very sad because we'd been together for so long,
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but at the end it wasn't so loving. This relationship was
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over-the-top loving. That's what made it even more confusing because
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I can understand when they're pulling away, you might have some signs. When they're
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not pulling away and they're coming in harder, that's when you have questions.
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The answer is you don't know because you're basing your understanding of reality
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on information supplied by the other person who has already demonstrated
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a willingness to alter reality for his own benefit.
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He loving, he acts trustworthy, he acts like he's
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caring and wants to be with you, wants to get married, wants to buy houses
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with you, and then he's cheating. And he might have been doing
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it for a while because most of the time they've been doing it for a
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while. And that's why discovery can feel so destabilizing.
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You aren't only grieving the affair, you're reviewing all the memories.
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Was that trip we took together real? Was that explanation
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he told me true or was Was that specific situation, is that
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when he was cheating? The night he didn't follow up with me, was he cheating?
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Was that message really work or was he talking to another woman?
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Was I just being paranoid? My intuition right? Because honestly,
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I had some feelings that something was off. I just couldn't put my finger on
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it. And suddenly your brain wants to reopen every file you
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ever stored on the relationship because that's part of betrayal.
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You question your very relationship, every aspect of it.
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You feel like history has been contaminated and you have no idea idea what
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actually occurred. And then you look at it and you're like, holy shit,
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what the hell happened? And it's confusing whether or not you were in
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a loving relationship at the end or a relationship that wasn't as loving.
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Either way, the betrayer has a lot to say.
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Where in the world has our society gone to that we think
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it's okay to be disloyal, to lie, to cheat, to manipulate other
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people at that level? And if you suspect your partner's cheating, don't become
12:10
a criminal investigator. Don't install spyware.
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Don't illegally access their accounts or track somebody without their consent.
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That's illegal, but don't spend 6 months destroying your nervous system trying to
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become the FBI with better eyelashes and look at their— just
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look at their behavior. If something's bothering you, you got to look at it.
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If they're secretive, they bring out another phone. If they change
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all their passwords and you knew their passwords before, if they start hiding their phone
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when they're talking on it, sudden changes in availability, will give clues and
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inconsistent stories or overexplaining stories
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because I had that as well where they overexplained something that didn't need
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to be overexplained and then they might have unexplained absences. They disappear for a
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few hours when you don't know what happened and they might get defensive around basic
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ordinary questions, but keep asking them and you can also find hidden
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social media accounts. You never know because here's the thing, those really
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experienced cheaters, They don't allow a lot of their girlfriends,
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if you will, to have access to their Facebook and to their Instagram
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and to their, their common. They'll go on Reddit or they'll go on
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other apps and they cheat and they, they go on,
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they're still on dating apps. They may still be on dating apps while you're in
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a relationship with them. So you can go check or there's,
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there's tools out there so you can check to see if they're actually on other
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dating apps. And a sudden obsession with protecting their phone is a huge clue.
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They, they, these things aren't proof individually, but if you have many things,
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they can't— innocent explanations can't explain these things
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away because patterns matter. And if you have incredible evidence,
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stop allowing endless explanation to erase what you already know.
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Save, save yourself some time and trust your gut. I didn't trust
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my gut enough on this one, and I wish I had because there were signs.
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I cared about him a lot, so I let things go that I
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probably wouldn't have, and I need to trust my gut. Way more.
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So save anything you are legally entitled to save.
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Protect your financial information. If you have accounts, split them and
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change your passwords to your own accounts so they don't have access to it.
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If you are married or you share significant assets, you need to speak to an
14:21
attorney before making any major financial decisions. And don't confront someone
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in a way that puts your physical safety at risk, because women, it is a
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dangerous thing when you confront a man and you know that they've been cheating.
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Your objective isn't to win the argument. Your objective is to regain
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control of your life again, and it's It's gonna hurt. And I'm not gonna kid
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you, it's gonna hurt and you're gonna have to take it back. But this part,
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it doesn't have to be as dramatic as you think. You've gotta be analytical about
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it because there's also your health. It's medical and they put your health at
14:49
risk, whether you have an autoimmune or if they pass
14:52
an STD to you, they could have killed you with an STD. If someone has
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been having sexual relations outside your supposedly monogamous relationship,
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your sexual health risk profile has changed, period. You need
15:04
to go and get an STD test or an STI test is what they call
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it. Someone can have an STI and they might not have symptoms, and that means
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I feel fine doesn't mean very much, and neither does she
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looked clean, or you cannot visually diagnose sexually
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transmitted infections just from looking at them. You need to get tested.
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Talk with your healthcare provider about which tests are appropriate based
15:26
on the— any possible exposure. I recommend getting tested for everything depending
15:29
on your situation. It could be HIV, gonorrhea, chlamydia,
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syphilis, hepatitis, hepatitis is a big one, or other
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testing. And sometimes there's bacterial infections. Some infections
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have window periods, which mean one negative test immediately after discovering an
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affair doesn't mean that you're clean. Your healthcare provider may recommend repeat testing.
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So for instance, if you have HIV exposure within the previous 72 hours,
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don't wait around researching it for 3 days. Contact a healthcare
15:57
provider, urgent care, or someone and get a test done because
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you can see if you have HIV post-exposure. There's an HIV
16:05
post-exposure profile called PEP, which is appropriate. That's not paranoia.
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And some tests you have to wait for a couple months before they all actually
16:12
show positive. So you may have to get tested now and tested again in the
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future, but you need to protect your body. Because here's the uncomfortable truth:
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when someone secretly introduces additional sexual
16:24
partners into a relationship, he isn't only making decisions about his body,
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he's making decisions about yours. And it's violation of your
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body. He's making decisions about yours without your informed
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consent. And that is something women should take very
16:38
seriously because yes, I'm furious. I might call a serial
16:42
cheater a walking potential STI, STD exposure because
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it's crude. But the reality is, is it's true. He's a
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walking STD. And if they cheat, they are violating
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you in so many ways because you're basically not
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giving informed consent for him to have sex with someone else. And then
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he's having sex with you as well. It's also a pretty effective
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reminder to keep yourself tested, even if you think they're monogamous.
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First, stop demanding that your brain understand everything immediately.
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Listen to your intuition, 'cause betrayal can produce shock as well.
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Intrusive thoughts, obsessive questioning, why did I
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allow this to go on? Why didn't I break up with him earlier? Difficulty concentrating,
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anger, anxiety, and sleep disruptions. You may feel completely
17:28
rational at noon and want to burn the emotional village down in your head by
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4. Give yourself some room. Second, Separate facts from explanations.
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There are facts out there that you know were true and there
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are explanations. Now honestly, if there's a cheater or
17:44
a liar in the mix, whatever they tell you is probably a lie. You have
17:47
no idea, but you need to write down what you actually know. Write down what
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happened, what was admitted, what was lied about, what was documented.
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If you're married, you may need all this for the attorneys. What came from another
17:59
person, what remains unknown. That this keeps you from getting
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dragged into endless conversations where established facts
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somehow become debatable. Because when you find out from other women that what
18:10
he's been doing, and they show you proof, they show you text messages,
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they have recorded voicemails, they have text
18:19
messages from him to them, there's obvious evidence.
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And then third, you need to protect your health. Get your STD test. Fourth,
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protect your practical life, your money, your passwords, your housing,
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your children, Any shared property or business interests you have,
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documents. Don't create chaos unnecessarily, but don't remain
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financially vulnerable to someone that's violated you because
18:40
you're emotionally overwhelmed. And then stop begging the
18:44
other person who betrayed you to restore your self-esteem. You have to take your self-esteem
18:48
back yourselves, ladies. That's one of the cruelest loops, but you
18:52
know what? You can either use it, you can either let it burn you down
18:56
or you can use it for fuel for your fire. That's the way you can
18:59
take control back of your life because they have injured you. Suddenly you're
19:02
asking them, what the hell happened? Wasn't I enough? Why wasn't
19:06
I worth enough? But you know what? You are beautiful. You are asking the
19:10
person holding the knife to convince you that you aren't bleeding. Step away.
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6th, get support. Don't get 30 people's opinions.
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A few intelligent, trustworthy people, a therapist, maybe a
19:22
close friend, someone who specializes in fidelity trauma
19:26
or betrayal trauma. That's a good way to go. I think therapy is
19:29
wonderful. I think everyone should have a therapist when they're going through divorce. I don't
19:33
know why people don't, but here's the reality. If you've been with a guy that
19:36
told you that his ex-wives cheated on him, he was disgusted by
19:40
cheaters and would never cheat, and then you find out he was cheating on you,
19:44
it's most likely he was also cheating on his ex-wives and he's
19:48
just a big old liar. He just wants to make them the villain. He cheats
19:51
on everyone he dates. So realize he's gonna be a cheater. That's just
19:55
who he is. And there are therapists who specialize in exactly this.
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Psychology Today also allows you to search specifically
20:02
for therapists who work with infidelity. So it's actually, you can
20:06
go out to Psychology Today and find somebody that works with infidelity.
20:09
The Gottman Institute has extensive material on trust, betrayal, and affair recovery.
20:14
So if you can't afford a therapist, there are places out
20:18
there you can look like the Gottman Institute and educate yourself because
20:21
affair recovery often, it offers programs specifically for betrayed
20:26
partners. And couples. So, and there's survivinginfidelity.com
20:30
that has support communities, including sections for people who have just discovered
20:34
an affair, people separating, and people attempting to reconcile.
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I'm going to warn you, if you go and you reconcile after someone has cheated
20:42
on you, it is a rough road. You are not going to be able to
20:45
trust them the same way you trusted them before. Is that fair to you both?
20:48
Because if you can't trust someone, how are you going to allow them back
20:52
into your world? And do you really want them back into your world?
20:56
So just be aware of that. Cheaters, Honestly, I wish they would just hang out
21:00
with other cheaters because they're ruining the good dating pool of
21:03
people that are out there. And it's— there's a reason
21:07
why women don't want to date. There's a reason why women are like, nope,
21:10
I'm not dating. Nope, I'm not dating. Then men are like, women are crazy.
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They don't want to date us. And yeah, there's a reason women aren't dating you
21:17
guys because you guys are cheaters. If you realize that once you cheat,
21:22
you do damage to the other person, a lot of extensive
21:25
emotional damage, then you understand why women walk
21:29
away. And have decided just not to date. Now, I'm not going to be one
21:32
of those women. I still have faith that I will find my perfect
21:37
person, one that's loyal, as loyal as I am, and as trustworthy as I
21:41
am, and that makes me feel happy. But there is some time
21:45
I will take off because I don't rush back into a relationship because I'm not
21:48
emotionally inept. I don't have a hole in my cup. I have
21:53
a complete soul. I don't have an empty shell of a person that needs
21:56
constant validation. From other people, but boy, the cheaters
22:00
do. They're an empty shell of a person. They lack empathy
22:03
for other people. They lack caring and concern for
22:07
and basic humanity. Do you really want people like that working
22:11
for you? That's why people are firing the people there. You can also check out
22:15
the CDC. You may want to check that out as far as STDs goes,
22:18
etc. Now here's the question: should you stay?
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I'm not going to tell every woman that every affair automatically requires leaving.
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I'm not going to do that. Every adult gets to decide their own boundaries,
22:29
but relationships, they sometimes survive infidelity.
22:33
There are established models for couples who generally want to rebuild,
22:37
but reconciliation should not mean pretending that nothing happened.
22:40
You can forgive, but you're never gonna forget.
22:43
Forgiveness should never mean volunteering for another round of cheating.
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If someone wants reconciliation, I would be looking for actions
22:50
rather than speeches from them. What are they doing to make sure that they are
22:54
on the good path to not cheat again. No secret contracts,
22:58
contact with the person. They shouldn't be talking to the other person.
23:02
Truth has to be without making you evacuate every detail.
23:07
You need to know the truth. How often? How many times?
23:10
Who was it with? Who were the people? How many different people?
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Accountability has to be there without blaming. You need to be willing to answer
23:17
reasonable questions. They have to be able to answer in a
23:22
transparent, truthful way. And then both parties should get STD tested
23:26
and require that they pay for your STD testing. Therapy is
23:30
almost always required if you're going to try to reconcile. There is behavior that
23:34
made the deception possible and the joy of lying to your spouse and the
23:38
adrenaline rush and the dopamine hit you got to have a secret relationship and
23:43
sustained behavior over time. If it happened for a long time,
23:47
you know, not just once, there's going to be some issues. Don't think that you
23:52
can cry for 3 days and it's all better. They give you some flowers and
23:55
then you realize, ooh, they're the love of my life. That's not how it works.
23:58
No dramatic declarations are gonna fix it.
24:01
Character is measured by what happens after the adrenaline
24:05
wears off. A person's character is defined as what they
24:09
do when no one's watching. And if they do not have integrity
24:14
restrain themselves and be loyal and be faithful.
24:18
Why would you want someone like that in your life? Because integrity
24:22
is a big one. And if they don't have integrity at home, how are they
24:26
going to have integrity in their work life or with their family or with their
24:29
children? Because they're the one that's sleeping next to you that you're supposed to
24:33
have an intimate relationship with. Then there's the serial cheaters, which is
24:37
what I was running into. This is when I am considerably
24:41
less generous with whether you should stick around if they've serially cheated,
24:45
meaning they've repeatedly cheated and they're constantly
24:49
needing outside women, constantly needing lying. They like to
24:52
hide the conversations. They think it's a big game how
24:56
much they can manipulate you. They construct completely alternative
25:00
realities because they're constantly seeking sexual validation
25:04
and novelty. They repeatedly expose partners to betrayal
25:08
and sexual diseases. So avoid this, this situation like a plague.
25:12
You are not a rehabilitation center for emotionally unavailable
25:16
and incompetent men. You don't get a trophy for loving someone
25:20
through unlimited deceptions. They're messed up.
25:23
They have mental issues. They have holes in their cup,
25:27
as they say. They're an empty shell of a vessel. There's nothing
25:31
that they can provide for you if they are a serial cheater.
25:36
You don't prove your loyalty by staying available to someone who
25:40
has demonstrated that loyalty is optional for him. People sometimes
25:44
use the phrase empty soul. I kind of call it an empty vessel.
25:47
Someone who requires a revolving door of attention while deceiving
25:51
the person besides him is operating from an incredibly empty
25:55
place. I would not want to be in that empty place. They must be
25:59
extremely lonely and empty, and until they decide,
26:02
he or her, to confront their emptiness themselves, what exactly
26:06
does he have to offer you? Or she have to offer
26:10
you? Instability? Ooh, that doesn't sound like fun.
26:13
Anxiety, half-truths, constantly guarding their phone,
26:17
constantly lying to you? STDs? No,
26:19
thank you. That is not a relationship. That's unpaid,
26:23
constant detective employment work. The woman who gets cheated
26:27
on is not a loser. This may be the most important part of today's episode
26:32
because finding out you got cheated on can temporarily humiliate you. It did me.
26:35
Temporarily, especially when other people knew,
26:38
especially when another woman contacts you and tells you about
26:42
it, when you realize someone had information about your relationship that you
26:46
didn't have, even when you begged and asked for the truth and the
26:50
person lied directly to your face once again. Shame belongs with
26:54
the deception, not with the person who trusted them. You didn't lose because
26:58
you believed someone you loved would not
27:02
betray you. Trusting is not stupid. Being— having a good
27:06
heart and a good soul. I think we want to trust people, but we have
27:09
to have our boundaries and stronger boundaries. That's one thing I've definitely
27:12
learned is that my boundaries have to be stronger and I need to trust my
27:16
intuition much more. I was actually getting weird feelings about the relationship 6 months
27:20
ago, but I kept trying to keep it together. I thought maybe
27:24
it was just me because I had been through a divorce and I didn't want
27:27
to overreact. It's okay to overreact because if you have a man that understands,
27:31
he'll listen. You didn't lose because you believed someone loved you,
27:35
but continuing to ignore overwhelming evidence about infidelity
27:39
is different. You can't do that to yourself. Relationships should
27:43
be entered in good faith. If they're not entered in good faith, then what are
27:46
you there for? Emotionally healthy people will enter
27:49
a relationship in good faith. They'll give you a secure relationship.
27:53
They won't make your nervous system go into overdrive. Here's the shift.
27:57
Once the truth arrives, you have new information. You now know
28:01
what they've done. You now have more information.
28:04
Your job changes. You're no longer deciding whether the version of him you loved
28:08
was worth loving. You're deciding whether the man demonstrated by his actual
28:12
behavior deserves access to your future or any access
28:16
to you at all, because most likely he doesn't and he was never worth you
28:21
in the first place. A lot of times we stay with men that are well
28:23
beneath us because we hope that they will do better.
28:27
And I think we sometimes we take on men that are projects. Or we
28:31
want to fix them and they're not fixable. Men have to fix
28:34
themselves. They should not be going into relationships a freaking mess. And a lot
28:39
of men are. I think part of it is that women a lot of times
28:41
will go through therapy after divorce and men try to skip it. These are 2
28:45
completely different questions. So stop trying to become
28:48
enough. Don't ask yourself, am I enough? Don't ask yourself if
28:52
you're worthy, because quite frankly, they weren't worthy of you. You could
28:56
have breast implants, become richer, more successful, have sex every night
29:00
while I was doing that. Wear lingerie, cook dinner, be endlessly
29:05
supportive and never complain. If somebody's fundamental problem is that
29:09
he has no self-worth and it depends on collecting outside validation,
29:13
none of what you do is going to fix it. Nothing you do is going
29:16
to fix it. He's got such a hole in his soul or in his cup
29:20
that he can't fill it up and nothing you do will fill it up either
29:24
because you cannot outperform someone's character deficit and
29:28
it's a character flaw. And let me say it again, you cannot outperform
29:31
someone's character deficit or flaw.
29:35
The solution isn't becoming so undesirable that nobody would ever
29:39
cheat on you. Beyoncé got cheated on, remember? Princesses get
29:43
cheated on, models get cheated on, ordinary women get cheated on, and extraordinary
29:47
women get cheated on. It's not like there's anything that they could
29:50
have done differently. Cheating is not an objective ranking system for
29:54
female worth. I wish people would stop acting like it is. And stop
29:58
treating it like one if you're a woman and asking women the stupid
30:02
question as, what did you do? Because quite frankly, most of the time cheaters
30:07
did it. The woman did nothing to provoke it. Recovery is about taking
30:10
yourself back. So healing doesn't mean forgetting, but it doesn't require
30:14
pretending that you don't care. It doesn't require immediately forgiving
30:18
everyone anyway. You can hold off on your forgiveness or you
30:22
can forgive right away. It's up to you. Healing means his choices stop
30:25
controlling your identity. You got to take your identity back first.
30:29
A lot of women will lose their identity when they're in a relationship or they
30:32
make themselves smaller so that they can make their little men feel bigger.
30:36
You need to take your identity back because the man never deserved
30:40
you in the first place. You get to sleep again. No more snoring.
30:44
You get to laugh again. You get to laugh at what you want. You get
30:47
to have conversations with people and they can actually understand what you're talking about.
30:50
You can stop checking on them. You can stop wondering what they're doing.
30:54
It's kind of like goodbye and good riddance. You were never worthy of me in
30:57
the first place. You need to let them go because if they're a cheater,
31:00
they're disgusting. They're kind of gross and shame on them. You need
31:04
to stop replaying conversations. You stop looking for the missing details that will finally
31:08
make irrational behavior feel rational to you because
31:12
it's not going to. They were off their rocker. They were doing things they
31:16
knew they shouldn't do and they did it anyway. So it was a choice.
31:19
They did a lot of bad things. They chose to do a lot of bad
31:22
things and they continued to lie about you and to continue to do
31:26
those bad things. And eventually you realize something. The most important relationship
31:30
that survives the affair was your relationship with yourself. So take that
31:34
back and love yourself. Loving yourself is the most important relationship
31:38
you will ever have. Fill your own cup up. You may be depleted after that
31:42
relationship because you poured so much into someone else, but fill your own damn
31:46
cup. Back up. You need to start trusting your instincts again,
31:49
protecting yourself, and establishing stronger boundaries. I know for me,
31:53
I'm a little innocent when it comes to dating because I haven't dated a
31:57
lot since I got divorced. I enjoy the innocence that I have and
32:01
the pure heart that I come to in relationships to men
32:05
and how it's a sincere, pure heart. It's not a heart that is there.
32:10
I don't try to manipulate men. I try to care for them.
32:13
However, This has taught me that I am gonna have some
32:16
severe boundaries and I'm gonna learn that I'm not gonna tolerate
32:20
any of this ever again. I should never have in the first place. I let
32:24
my guard down. That won't happen again. Maybe the betrayal burned
32:28
something down. That's okay, but I still have my pure heart. I still am loving.
32:32
Whoever actually gets to end up with my pure heart and loving is gonna
32:35
be a very lucky man because sometimes the things that burn us down, it was
32:39
preventing us from us seeing our exit. There's that saying that says rejection
32:44
is God's protection, and there's a reason for that, because God was
32:47
protecting you from someone that didn't belong. A couple
32:51
weeks before I found most of this out, I had laid
32:55
in bed and just said, God, if he's the right one, let me know
32:59
because there's something off about him. If he's the wrong one,
33:02
I want you to take him out of my life quickly. Everything unfolded within 2
33:06
weeks. It was kind of nice. So sometimes just asking God or
33:10
the universe or whatever your belief system is, is to give you a sign to
33:13
move on when you know something's wrong, a clear-cut
33:17
definitive sign. So it's easier to move on as well. That can help as
33:21
well. So if you're listening to this because somebody cheated on you,
33:25
don't immediately ask, what did she have that I didn't have? Don't ask
33:29
that. And then don't ask, what does his behavior tell me about what
33:33
he is capable of? Well, he was capable of quite a lot. So you dodged
33:37
a bullet. By getting out of the relationship when you did. And don't ask,
33:40
why wasn't I enough? Because why did he need strangers
33:44
to make him feel enough? What is wrong with him? And that's
33:48
the real question we should be asking. Why did he need strangers to make
33:52
him feel like enough? Is he that insecure? Is he that much of a little
33:56
boy? Because a real man that's secure in who he is would never
34:00
stray like this. His behavior told you exactly what
34:04
he was capable of. You may want to ask yourself, how can I make sure
34:08
this never happens again? I don't know if you can, but instead ask, what would
34:11
I need to see before I ever trusted a person to
34:15
have access to me again? And I'm not saying
34:18
you need to trust this person because quite frankly, my personal
34:22
preference is you don't trust a cheater again, but maybe the answer is nothing.
34:26
Maybe you're, you've done nothing wrong, but usually if you do some self-reflect,
34:30
you'll be like, hmm, I need to have firmer boundaries around this. Hmm. I need
34:32
to trust my intuition more. Mm, when I'm getting flags,
34:36
red flags, I need to believe those red flags and not just push them aside.
34:40
There is tremendous power in realizing that closure doesn't always come from getting that final
34:45
confession. Sometimes closure is looking at enough evidence and saying, what the hell
34:49
just happened? And then I've learned everything I need to know and you
34:53
get your closure. I don't need another explanation. Nope.
34:57
I don't need a confession. I've heard enough. I don't need another lie
35:01
dressed up as an apology. So that someone can have a little bit of access
35:05
to me or my trust or my loyalty. Nope.
35:08
Any chance of intimacy gone, any chance of sex or love for that person
35:12
in the future gone because they chose deception even when
35:16
they had access to me. So no, why would I ever give them access
35:19
again? I'm not competing with other women for a man I already have.
35:23
I'm letting them go because they were never worth me in the first place.
35:26
I have decided to let them go. And I hope you can too.
35:30
Don't audition for a position that you already occupied and
35:34
definitely don't spend the next chapter of your life trying to convince a
35:38
man addicted to outside validation that you should have been enough
35:41
because quite frankly, nothing will ever be enough because you were
35:45
enough. The relationship was real on your side. You gave your heart,
35:48
you gave your soul, you gave your concern, you took care. You may have
35:53
given money. You may have taken care of him in other ways. But what did
35:57
he, with his short character, give? Not much.
36:00
And sometimes the most powerful thing a woman can do after betrayal
36:03
isn't revenge. It's just walking away.
36:07
It's not exposing him. It's not winning him back. It's becoming completely
36:11
unavailable to their chaos and just walk away and get your
36:15
peace back. Peace is so underrated. Get your peace back because
36:19
there are men in this world who don't require constant surveillance
36:23
to remain faithful. There's a lot of men out there, ladies, that are good men.
36:26
It's just shameful that these ones that are not good men keep
36:30
destroying the good women. Because men who don't need 5 women
36:34
telling them they're desirable are solid men. Men who understand
36:38
that commitment means closing the door before it's opened, even when nobody's watching,
36:43
that's a solid man. These little boys that try to dress up as men
36:48
and go around cheating and destroying women for no
36:52
reason. They're the ones we should be shunning. And once you've experienced the alternative,
36:56
because the minimum standard that they gave you, the breadcrumbs that they gave
37:00
you, the fantasy that wasn't real that they gave
37:04
you, the absolute minimum, you will find someone that gives you
37:07
the maximum. And you will find somebody that's worthy of you, someone that's
37:11
worthy of your love, that's worthy of your loyalty, that's worthy of your trust.
37:14
And your character and your integrity and your morals,
37:18
values, and ethics, and will hold your heart and take care
37:21
of it. And that's what a jet man's job is. These destructive
37:24
men, ladies, you gotta let them go and say goodbye as quickly
37:28
as you can. I hope my story helped you a little bit. I was vulnerable
37:33
by telling you about it, but I hope that it helps. And I hope you
37:36
understand that it's not you, it's them. And it's definitely them.
37:40
And you gotta let them go. And they're not worth any more of your thoughts
37:44
or any more of your time because life is precious and you should be
37:48
spent with people that value who you are. This is Diva Mia and today's
37:52
detail is simple. Never confuse somebody else's inability
37:56
to value what they have with evidence that you weren't valuable because you are
38:00
valuable. Those are 2 different things. You need to walk away
38:03
and fill up your own cup. This is Diva Mia. Be strong,
38:06
stay loyal, and have a wonderful day. Take care.
38:13
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38:16
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38:21
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38:26
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