Latest / MyMaine Birth / 169. MyMaine Birth: Megan's third birth story, a homebirth with loving support from her midwife

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169. MyMaine Birth: Megan's third birth story, a homebirth with loving support from her midwife · MyMaine Birth

• 0:00
  Megan: With this pregnancy, I really kind of went back and forth to, you know, do I want to just have a free birth or do I want a midwife?
• 0:09
  Megan: And I feel like that decision, it was, I went back and forth a lot because I then had that super empowering experience.
• 0:18
  Megan: Like, I can totally do this on my own.
• 0:20
  Megan: And I think in educating myself more about free birth, and I think I got caught up a little bit in like the dogma of like the free birth movement of like you like, you know, you you have to do it all on your own.
• 0:36
  Megan: And then deep in my heart, I really felt like I still wanted somebody there.
• 0:40
  Megan: So I just remember like kind of like working through that early on and like realizing like I think I really do want a midwife there, and that's okay.
• 0:51
  Angela: I'm Angela, and I'm a certified birth photographer, experienced duela, childbirth educator, and your host here on the My Maine Birth podcast.
• 1:00
  Angela: This is a space where we share the real life stories of families and their unique birth experiences in the beautiful state of Maine.
• 1:08
  Angela: From our state's biggest hospitals, the birth center births and home births.
• 1:12
  Angela: Every birth story deserves to be heard and celebrated.
• 1:17
  Angela: Whether you're a state-to-be mom, a state of mother, or simply interested in the world of birth, these episodes are for you.
• 1:25
  Angela: Hey everyone, welcome to episode 169 of My Main Birth.
• 1:32
  Angela: As a reminder, I share all different types of stories that are submitted to me.
• 1:36
  Angela: Hospital births, birth center births, all different types of home births.
• 1:40
  Angela: Whether your story was positive, negative, or anything in between, this is a safe space for you to feel seen and heard.
• 1:48
  Angela: And if you're pregnant or planning on becoming pregnant, I really think it's so important to listen to a variety of different birth stories so that you can start to focus in on what pregnancy and birth path might be right for you.
• 2:01
  Angela: Because as I will continue to say over and over again, it does not look the same for everyone.
• 2:08
  Angela: And women today are making a wide variety of choices when it comes to their pregnancy and birth.
• 2:13
  Angela: And ultimately, you are the authority in your birth experience, and the choices are up to you.
• 2:19
  Angela: The only requirement for sharing birth story on the podcast is that at least one of your birth stories is a main birth story.
• 2:26
  Angela: As an added bonus, all of my podcast guests receive a gift certificate for a family adventure photo session on the session day of your choice.
• 2:34
  Angela: I host session days for my podcast guests at iconic locations across Maine throughout the spring, summer, and fall.
• 2:40
  Angela: So if you're interested in joining the community of Maine Mom sharing birth stories here on the podcast, you can fill out the form over on my website, mymainbirth.com, or you can always message me over on Instagram at MyMainBirth.
• 2:55
  Angela: Today's birth story guest is Megan, and this is her second time joining us here on the podcast.
• 3:02
  Angela: She shared her first two birth stories back in episode 15.
• 3:06
  Angela: So go check that out to hear the first two parts of her story.
• 3:10
  Angela: And today she is here to share her third birth story, which was a home birth with love and care from her midwife.
• 3:17
  Angela: Our closing song is by Kate Sutherland.
• 3:20
  Angela: Kate's community songs and deep nature connection work can be found over on her website, katesutherland.ca.
• 3:26
  Angela: All right.
• 3:28
  Angela: Hi Megan.
• 3:29
  Angela: Welcome back to My Main Birth.
• 3:31
  Megan: Hi, Angela.
• 3:33
  Angela: Thank you.
• 3:34
  Angela: So to get started, would you share a little bit about you and your family?
• 3:40
  Megan: Yeah, so my name is Megan.
• 3:42
  Megan: I live in Woolwich, Maine, and I have three children, uh, Forrest, who is six, Orion, who's four, and Violet, who is 14 months.
• 3:53
  Angela: Amazing.
• 3:54
  Angela: Now you shared your first two birth stories on the podcast.
• 4:00
  Angela: So for anyone that hasn't heard that episode, would you just give like a brief overview of those two birth experiences?
• 4:08
  Megan: Yes.
• 4:08
  Megan: So my first son, Forrest, was born in 2020 in a hospital.
• 4:14
  Megan: It was an unmedicated birth, but there were some things with the birth afterwards that made me look into home birth.
• 4:23
  Megan: So my second son, Orion, uh, when we moved to Maine, I just like knew after that hospital experience that like I didn't want to do that again.
• 4:32
  Megan: So when I got pregnant the second time, I knew home birth was what I wanted to do.
• 4:38
  Megan: And I worked really hard that pregnancy to set myself up for a successful home birth.
• 4:43
  Megan: And um, my first son, even we, even though we were in the hospital, it was a very precipitous labor.
• 4:49
  Megan: He was born in two hours and 15 minutes from like first contraction to when he was born.
• 4:54
  Megan: And then my second son, even though I was planning a home birth with midwives, he arrived uh before anybody else could make it.
• 5:01
  Megan: So it was actually like an accidental um rebirth, I guess.
• 5:06
  Megan: And it was super empowering and awesome.
• 5:08
  Megan: And yeah, and that was just, I feel like that really just set the tone for wanting another home birth this time.
• 5:16
  Angela: Yeah, that's so incredible.
• 5:18
  Angela: How did you find out you're pregnant for the third time?
• 5:21
  Angela: And what were your thoughts like about it all?
• 5:25
  Angela: Yeah, after those first two experiences.
• 5:30
  Megan: Yeah, so we were trying to get pregnant, and I feel very grateful that we usually get pregnant pretty soon after.
• 5:38
  Megan: So I remember finding out I was pregnant with Violet and knowing I wanted another home birth, but with her, it was just knowing that like I didn't want to go with the same midwives.
• 5:50
  Megan: They didn't make it to my birth last time, and I just didn't have like the greatest feelings, even though it was like fully supportive throughout the pregnancy.
• 5:57
  Megan: So with this pregnancy, I really kind of went back and forth to, you know, do I want to just have a free birth or do I want a midwife?
• 6:07
  Megan: And I feel like that decision, it was I I went back and forth a lot because I then had that super empowering experience.
• 6:16
  Megan: Like, I can totally do this on my own.
• 6:18
  Megan: And I think in educating myself more about free birth, and I think I got caught up a little bit in like the dogma of like the free birth movement of like you like, you know, you you have to do it all on your own.
• 6:34
  Megan: And then deep in my heart, I really felt like I still wanted somebody there.
• 6:38
  Megan: So I just remember like kind of like working through that early on and like realizing like I think I really do want a midwife there, and that's okay.
• 6:48
  Megan: And you know, that was like a really great, like that's what worked for me.
• 6:53
  Megan: And you know, it was a great relationship.
• 6:55
  Megan: And this time around, I hired a birth doula, Emily Nixon, and she's much more than just a birth doula.
• 7:03
  Megan: Like, I hired somebody who would just like be that wise woman with me along this journey.
• 7:09
  Megan: And it was just amazing to like have her partnership and she had um like prenatal village circles.
• 7:17
  Megan: So like I was surrounded with other pregnant women.
• 7:19
  Megan: And throughout my pregnancy, like I I remember like I went to the chiropractor, I did all the things I I normally do just to like support pregnancy, but I felt really supported throughout the pregnancy.
• 7:32
  Megan: I'm also very grateful to be somebody that like loves being pregnant and I don't really have many like negative side effects.
• 7:39
  Megan: So I feel like I had a very joyous, healthy pregnancy, aside from like some hip pain that I get sometimes with a chiropractor, usually usually works that out.
• 7:50
  Megan: Um, but yeah, the pregnancy was pretty uneventful.
• 7:53
  Megan: I did have a 20-week ultrasound because I did want to find out the gender.
• 7:58
  Megan: So that was really interesting because have after having two boys, I really felt like my symptoms were exactly the same as the other two.
• 8:07
  Megan: So I must be having a boy.
• 8:09
  Megan: And so I went to like a this bull boutique ultrasound place that my midwife recommended, and it was just like I was in shock.
• 8:18
  Megan: I was just like crying, like I couldn't believe that I was having a girl, and I'm actually I have two older brothers, and I'm the third, and I'm a girl.
• 8:26
  Megan: So like it just felt like so perfect.
• 8:30
  Megan: And yeah, I'm trying to think of anything else with the pregnancy.
• 8:33
  Megan: I feel like that was it.
• 8:35
  Megan: Like, I really feel like my prayers were answered with this pregnancy and birth in so many ways, looking back on it.
• 8:42
  Megan: Like, all I really wanted was to like feel community, feel support.
• 8:46
  Megan: And even though like the wise women circles that I went to were like an hour from my house, like it was just amazing to see like other women travel like an hour from wherever they lived in Maine because like they were seeking that same community.
• 9:00
  Megan: And some of them, like I'm still in touch with like today, which is really cool.
• 9:05
  Megan: It's a little harder to see them because we're far away.
• 9:07
  Megan: But um, but I feel like having that community and village was something I really wanted to make sure that I had.
• 9:15
  Megan: And I think it was something I felt like I was missing in my second pregnancy.
• 9:19
  Megan: Like, even though I had a home birth, it still felt very clinical.
• 9:22
  Megan: Like I would just go in for my checkups.
• 9:25
  Megan: And even though I was planning a home birth, it was very much like, okay, we're checking you.
• 9:30
  Megan: What are your questions?
• 9:31
  Megan: We'd have conversations and like it was great, but like I'd never had the community.
• 9:37
  Megan: And both of my children were, my boys at least were kind of like COVID babies.
• 9:41
  Megan: So like I had one in 2020 and the other was in 2022.
• 9:45
  Megan: And even by then, things were still like we're people were still wearing masks, and like it just didn't quite feel as nice as it did this time around.
• 9:54
  Megan: Um, and then just being around other like-minded women, not even just like pregnant women, but like women planning home births just like I am, and like women with very similar thoughts around birth and positivity and all the things.
• 10:09
  Megan: So I feel like that was something that I really looked forward to in my pregnancy.
• 10:13
  Megan: It was like those meetings with my doula and just like talking through like my dream birth and like really setting the stage for me to like help bring in what I wanted.
• 10:25
  Megan: And yeah, so trying to think of anything else with the pregnancy.
• 10:29
  Megan: Like, I didn't do any kind of gestational diabetes testing.
• 10:33
  Megan: Like I was with my first son, I was diagnosed with that, but I don't think I ever really had it.
• 10:38
  Megan: I think I just failed the test.
• 10:40
  Megan: And like my blood sugar was always fine.
• 10:43
  Megan: So it was this whole thing.
• 10:45
  Megan: So every time I'm pregnant, I'm always like, do I do the test or not?
• 10:48
  Megan: Like, I think I did do a test with my second where it was just like a really sweet smoothie or something, and then I tested my sugar.
• 10:58
  Megan: But this time around, I decided not to do any of that.
• 11:01
  Megan: And I just checked my blood sugar for like a week in eating my normal diet, and everything was fine, and I felt confident.
• 11:09
  Megan: And I feel like the relationship I had with my midwife was really, really amazing.
• 11:15
  Megan: So I worked with Leslie Walter at Water of Life Midwifery in Brunswick, and she's so amazing.
• 11:22
  Megan: And she was able to come to my house for visits, which was so good because you know, having working full-time and having two kids and having appointments was hard enough.
• 11:30
  Megan: And it was like, I feel like I really had like a relationship with her as my midwife because she came to my house.
• 11:36
  Megan: I made tea and we, you know, we talked in the comfort of my own home versus my other home birth.
• 11:43
  Megan: It was like I was going to their clinic and it just still felt clinical.
• 11:46
  Megan: Whereas this was like, oh, this is my house.
• 11:49
  Megan: And one other thing about my second birth, like the midwives didn't make it for the birth, but they were there postpartum.
• 11:55
  Megan: They showed up like 10 minutes after and they helped, you know, with all the postpartum stuff.
• 12:00
  Megan: But I just remember so many like gloved and masked faces in my birth space.
• 12:05
  Megan: And I just knew like I didn't want that again.
• 12:08
  Megan: So um I think yeah, I couldn't have left out more.
• 12:12
  Megan: So yeah, Leslie was amazing.
• 12:14
  Megan: Um, and she was so like supportive with me and my choices of like how I wanted to test things, what I wanted to test.
• 12:21
  Megan: And even when it came down to like just having a blood draw, I always get nervous and anxious about having my blood taken because it never like I have tiny veins and it's a whole thing.
• 12:30
  Megan: And so I remember like feeling like pressured because she was coming to check my take my blood.
• 12:36
  Megan: And then when she showed up, we she was just talking to me, like, do you really want to do this?
• 12:40
  Megan: And I was like, not really.
• 12:42
  Megan: And so we were able to just like talk through, like, well, what do we even test for?
• 12:45
  Megan: And like, what are other symptoms and signs to look for if I were to have any of these issues?
• 12:51
  Megan: So I feel like I, even though you know, I've had three children or two at that time, it's just like getting educated and like having a midwife who's like explaining why things are done and like letting me make the decision as to whether or not I want them done was so, so great.
• 13:08
  Megan: Yeah.
• 13:08
  Megan: So the pregnancy, I feel like that was that was it for the pregnancy.
• 13:12
  Megan: And then leading up to the birth, it was really interesting that like my onset of labor was very similar to my second.
• 13:22
  Megan: And so leading up to the birth and like envisioning the birth, I had a lot of anxiety about is this gonna be like a five-minute birth?
• 13:31
  Megan: And because of my precipitous labor past, so I had a lot of fear and anxiety just around like, will my children be awake?
• 13:40
  Megan: Where will they be?
• 13:41
  Megan: Will they be at at uh school?
• 13:43
  Megan: Will they be home?
• 13:45
  Megan: And is it gonna be there?
• 13:48
  Angela: Right, like right.
• 13:49
  Megan: Like, will he be there?
• 13:51
  Megan: And so, like, I really tried to set everything up to make sure everybody could be there.
• 13:55
  Megan: And even for work, like my last month before my due date, I worked fully from home because I was like, you know, God forbid, I'm on my way back from Freeport.
• 14:04
  Megan: I don't want to have a baby in the car by myself.
• 14:07
  Megan: And so my husband also like started working from home towards the end as well.
• 14:11
  Megan: So I didn't have to worry about like him being away.
• 14:13
  Megan: It was just that like 15 minutes of like, or I guess 30-minute round trip of picking up the kids from school.
• 14:19
  Megan: Like, is that when it's gonna happen?
• 14:21
  Megan: And I I feel like I kind of navigated like a like towards the last few weeks, like just like a few waves of like anxiety.
• 14:30
  Megan: Like I would just be like, is this happening or am I just anxious?
• 14:34
  Megan: Because that's how my second labor started.
• 14:36
  Megan: It was like I had like a full-on anxiety attack, and then my body was going into labor and I didn't know it.
• 14:44
  Megan: And then before I knew it, it was happening and he was here.
• 14:47
  Megan: So that's kind of how fast things unfolded.
• 14:49
  Megan: So anytime I would feel anxiety towards the end of pregnancy, I'd be like, I have to be ready.
• 14:54
  Megan: This could be it.
• 14:55
  Megan: And then I'm like, is this it?
• 14:56
  Megan: Is this not it?
• 14:57
  Megan: So it's like this like dance of like trying to figure out like what is happening, is anything happening?
• 15:03
  Megan: Um, and I remember like I had a work meeting, like I was working from home and I had a virtual meeting, and I had one of those moments where like I was super anxious, and then I just I was like, whether or not this is happening, I'm jumping on this call.
• 15:18
  Megan: And if I have to leave, I'll just leave.
• 15:20
  Megan: But it was good because I think at that moment it was just anxiety and I needed distraction.
• 15:25
  Megan: And so, like maybe like three or four times like that happened.
• 15:29
  Megan: I think at one point I called the midwife and it was just like, you know, but then I finally feel like, you know, I had one more, and this was like right before my labor started.
• 15:41
  Megan: Same thing.
• 15:42
  Megan: I got like super anxious, and I had had a talk with my midwife, like the last time I had like an anxiety attack thing, and you know, we just talked about like what am I anxious about?
• 15:53
  Megan: Like, and you know, even if my team doesn't get here, everything's gonna be okay.
• 15:59
  Megan: And like, even if my husband's not here, like everything's gonna be okay.
• 16:02
  Megan: So it was just having that like peace in just knowing, like, even if what I'm worried about, which I guess is that nobody's here, like everything will be okay.
• 16:12
  Megan: But because I never really truly felt afraid of that.
• 16:16
  Megan: But it was just this weird like mind game of like what's going on.
• 16:22
  Megan: Um, and yeah, I just remember, so let's see, where did things start?
• 16:29
  Megan: So, like that work meeting was maybe like on a Wednesday, and I went into labor on a Saturday night.
• 16:35
  Megan: So, like I think that was like things were starting, but like very slowly.
• 16:40
  Megan: Like, you know, I had to go to the bathroom a lot, and I I just like I had a feeling, but I was only 37, I think 37 and three.
• 16:51
  Megan: And I was like, but I'm past the 37 mark, so I'm okay for the home birth.
• 16:55
  Megan: I can't remember the exact date.
• 16:57
  Megan: Uh I think that's that's like when I gave birth.
• 16:59
  Megan: I think I was 37 and three.
• 17:01
  Megan: But I remember like I was in the clear whenever.
• 17:05
  Angela: Anyway, um, so I know that's really important, right?
• 17:08
  Angela: Like when you're like getting to that point and you're feeling like, you know, it could be early, like, yeah, getting over that 37 week.
• 17:13
  Angela: That's that's a big deal for a lot of moms.
• 17:16
  Megan: Yeah, I just remember feeling like, okay, I'm past that, so I'm ready.
• 17:19
  Megan: If it happens, I'm ready.
• 17:21
  Megan: Um, and yeah, so I remember like the Saturday morning, my kids, my boys had karate.
• 17:29
  Megan: So we were like, I woke up, I didn't quite feel right.
• 17:34
  Megan: And I remember like my in-laws were meeting us there, and I was just like not feeling social, like seeing them for some reason, and like we were in the car, and then my husband was like, should we turn around?
• 17:46
  Megan: And I was because I was starting to feel anxious again, and I'm like, no, I think we should go.
• 17:51
  Megan: And so we went to the karate, and then it was fine.
• 17:55
  Megan: We came home, and I just remember like stepping into my house and being like, I'm not going anywhere.
• 18:02
  Megan: And so I think that was like the I think things were starting, and I didn't, yeah, really like, you know, it's it's sometimes it starts before we even realize, right?
• 18:12
  Angela: Oh, yeah.
• 18:13
  Megan: And so like I feel like my headspace was starting to change, but I remember it was a beautiful summer Saturday, and it was really warm and sunny out, and like my boys were like out like with water balloons on the driveway, and like it was just like the sweetest day.
• 18:29
  Megan: And I remember we were doing crafts, we were making like stepping stones for the garden, and they were like painting, and it was just like a really, really sweet day.
• 18:39
  Megan: And I remember having my husband like take my last pregnancy bump picture because I I just wanted this picture of me in the tall grass in the front of the yard.
• 18:47
  Megan: And I was like, and that was the last picture of me being pregnant.
• 18:50
  Megan: So that's always that'll always be like a really special, special picture for me.
• 18:55
  Megan: Um and I remember, you know, just giving the boys a bath, putting them to bed, and then again, just like in a very similar way, like almost to a T of how the labor started with Orion.
• 19:10
  Megan: Um, like usually like after the kids go to bed, my husband and I will watch some like garbage TV sometimes and just like have a seltzer water.
• 19:19
  Megan: And I remember like we're out of all things, I think we were putting on like the movie Road Trip or like something ridiculous.
• 19:25
  Megan: And I had this seltzer and like I went to take a sip and it just didn't taste right.
• 19:30
  Megan: And the same exact thing happened with O'Reilly.
• 19:32
  Megan: We were watching something awful, and I was like, what am I doing?
• 19:36
  Megan: I don't want to do this anymore.
• 19:38
  Megan: And so that um that like started another like anxiety thing for me of like, okay, what's going on?
• 19:49
  Megan: I don't know.
• 19:50
  Megan: And so I remember having this talk with my husband, and like it was the same talk that we had a few times before of like, are you safe, you're okay?
• 19:59
  Megan: And then I was like hanging up the last of like my birth affirmations.
• 20:03
  Megan: I was like, I think I just need to like finish getting these on the wall.
• 20:07
  Megan: Um, and I just kept trying to distract myself.
• 20:11
  Megan: And I remember he was like, Well, let's go outside.
• 20:15
  Megan: And we went out on the back deck, and I remember like seeing the fireflies everywhere.
• 20:22
  Megan: It was like this beautiful, like euphoric, like, wow, like I started like feeling a little disoriented, but I was just like kind of feeling like I was high or something.
• 20:32
  Megan: I'm just like, how beautiful are these fireflies just like lighting up the sky, and like I could hear like the crickets, and like it just got dark.
• 20:42
  Angela: And then almost like my senses were just so in tune with like all of the little things that were going on.
• 20:48
  Angela: So beautiful, yeah.
• 20:49
  Megan: Yeah, that was like I'll always remember that it was so beautiful, and then shortly after that, in that moment of bliss, then I started feeling like the mosquitoes were eating me alive, and I was like, all right, well, I guess I gotta go inside.
• 21:03
  Megan: That was nice while it lasted.
• 21:05
  Megan: And I remember we came inside, and then I had no interest in watching TV anymore.
• 21:11
  Megan: And I think I was just like, I was overwhelmed with feelings, and I was like, I'm just gonna try to go to sleep because I think I just need to go to sleep instead of sitting here and letting my mind ruminate about whatever it's gonna do.
• 21:24
  Megan: So like I was able to calm down, and I remember like the way that I would feel anxiety about the birth, like, as I've mentioned, like it would be like this like in the body, like not even just like heart palpitations, but just like like even just like talking about it, I can kind of feel it in my own, like relive it in my body of just like this like shakiness and like I think I can't really even explain it.
• 21:50
  Megan: Um, but I've learned that about myself.
• 21:53
  Megan: Like when I'm about to give birth, like this is what happens.
• 21:56
  Megan: Um and so I went to And then I just remember, so it was like maybe like around 9 or 9:30.
• 22:06
  Megan: I like laid down to go to sleep.
• 22:08
  Megan: And then I woke up at like 11 to my water breaking in the bed.
• 22:14
  Megan: And I was like, that was definitely not just pee.
• 22:18
  Megan: Like, I'm pretty sure that's my water.
• 22:20
  Megan: And so I was like, I immediately called my doula, and she was like on her way over because she lives in New Gloucester, so she's kind of far.
• 22:29
  Megan: So she was on her way.
• 22:31
  Megan: And then um I remember I called, no, I didn't call the midwife right away.
• 22:37
  Megan: I called my doula.
• 22:38
  Megan: So she came over, and then she sat with me for a little while.
• 22:42
  Megan: And I feel like I went through like that excited phase of like, but I was kind of like, well, how's this gonna unfold?
• 22:48
  Megan: And so it was just like talking to her, like, my water broke.
• 22:51
  Megan: So, like, how long can my water be broken?
• 22:55
  Megan: Like, this could be, you know, and so I feel like I was getting into the like, how is this gonna unfold?
• 23:00
  Megan: And then we talked for a little while, and then she had a good recommendation of like, why don't you just try to lay down again and get some rest?
• 23:06
  Megan: Because it was like late at night.
• 23:08
  Megan: And so I did, and then she ended up like going into my attic, and I was just downstairs in the bed.
• 23:15
  Megan: My husband went downstairs just to like leave me and the midwife to talk.
• 23:18
  Megan: So I was like alone in my bed, and I would wake up and have I started having contractions.
• 23:24
  Megan: Like they would wake me up, I would just lay on my side, they were pretty mild, but then they started increasing in intensity, and then I think it was like 3:30 in the morning or so is when I called, called the midwife to come down.
• 23:39
  Megan: And then I think at that point, um, sorry, not the midwife, my doula.
• 23:44
  Megan: I forget what I just said, but we called the midwife, and I guess her phone was off by accident, but it actually worked out perfectly because I didn't quite want her to come yet.
• 23:54
  Megan: I just like things got intense and I was like, call the midwife because of my precipitous past.
• 24:00
  Megan: Like I just didn't know.
• 24:02
  Megan: And so then eventually she like noticed my call, called back, and at that point I was like, I don't think I'm ready to have her come yet.
• 24:10
  Megan: And then things started picking up, and you know, it was just one contraction over another.
• 24:17
  Megan: And I just remember my dual put on some affirmations with me for me, and like things were getting intense, and I just remember like laboring on the ball in the bed and like on the side, and then like as soon as I started standing up, things got really intense.
• 24:37
  Megan: And so at that point, we called the midwife to come because we knew it was happening soon.
• 24:43
  Megan: Um, and I remember being over the toilet, and my doula was giving me toast and it had peanut butter on it, and like just didn't want the peanut butter, just like peanut butter really grossed me out, and I was like, this is just gross, get this away.
• 24:56
  Megan: Um, but I tried to eat it.
• 24:58
  Megan: Um and yeah, it was just like really, really intense.
• 25:03
  Megan: And I found myself being very vocal this time around, and maybe I was last time, but I don't remember because it happened so fast.
• 25:10
  Megan: Um, but I remember really like leaning into vocalizations and just like that was my way of coping.
• 25:17
  Megan: And I'm trying to think of anything else that helped me.
• 25:20
  Megan: I think that was it.
• 25:21
  Megan: Like, I didn't have any desire to get in the water or anything like that.
• 25:25
  Megan: I did have a birth pool blown up, but it didn't have water in it yet.
• 25:28
  Megan: And so I remember the the sun was starting to come up, and then I was starting to think about what am I gonna do with the kids?
• 25:36
  Megan: And then before I knew it, I was pushing and she was born like really quickly, like I was on my hands and knees.
• 25:46
  Megan: I remember I felt the pressure of things shifting to transition.
• 25:50
  Megan: And I also remember like one of the affirmations was like, once you feel like you can't do it anymore, like you're there, you're at transition, you're doing it.
• 26:00
  Megan: And I remember, or it was like, you're gonna feel like you can't do this and you are doing it, or something.
• 26:05
  Megan: And I was just like, that was like exactly what I needed to hear in the moment.
• 26:10
  Megan: Um, and yeah, I just remember I was on my hands and knees and and she was born.
• 26:17
  Megan: And um, I was it was like kind of awkward because like she was born, but then I was on my hands and my knees.
• 26:22
  Megan: So it was like, I feel like the midwife was like trying to help get or my husband caught her, but then I think my midwife was trying to figure out like, get my leg up.
• 26:30
  Megan: It was just like an awkward pause for a second, but like I knew she was okay, and then yeah, and so then she was like, She was on me and she was screaming, and and then like almost a second, maybe I don't know, I always think it was a second, but maybe like a minute or two later, I hear my oldest son's door to his room open.
• 26:50
  Megan: And so, like, I was worried about them being there for the birth, but like the birth just ended.
• 26:56
  Megan: They're well, they're welcome in.
• 26:58
  Megan: So it was so sweet that Forrest came in and then he was like, Can I go get Orion?
• 27:03
  Megan: And so, like, he went and got his brother, and then they were both like in the bed and like got to meet their sister, Violet, like as soon as she was born, and it was so, so sweet.
• 27:13
  Megan: And they just stuck around in the bed and they actually like watched the placenta be delivered, which was an interesting experience this time around.
• 27:22
  Megan: Because last time, since it was like the precipitous labor, I was just laying in the bed till the midwives came.
• 27:28
  Megan: So it was kind of just like sitting there, and I think like I sat up and it came out.
• 27:32
  Megan: But this time it was kind of like I sat up thinking that would happen, and then like just a bunch of cord came out, so I thought it was done, and then they were like, That's not, that was just cord, and I was like, Oh, and then eventually like it it did come out shortly after, but it was like that feeling like I thought I was I thought I was done with it, but I wasn't.
• 27:54
  Megan: Um, but I guess there was just a lot of cord, but I remember it like splashing into the bowl and my son Forrest being like, Ew, that's a lot of blood.
• 28:02
  Megan: Um but yeah, it was just so like beautiful and lovely, like to have them there.
• 28:10
  Megan: So I'm so grateful because that was one thing I I questioned a lot in the pregnancy, like, should I have them go be somewhere else?
• 28:18
  Megan: But the logistics of worrying about somebody else transporting them and like them being with someone else just made me more anxious.
• 28:27
  Megan: And this was just like exactly how I wanted things to pan out.
• 28:30
  Megan: And I think all in all, it was about seven hours from like when my water broke to when she was born.
• 28:36
  Megan: So she was born at 622 in the morning on June 22nd.
• 28:41
  Megan: So exactly like 62 on 62.
• 28:45
  Megan: So like that'll always be her birthday, it'll be a special day and time.
• 28:49
  Megan: I'll never forget when she was born.
• 28:52
  Megan: Um, and that was really sweet, like right after the sun rose.
• 28:55
  Megan: So I feel like so much of a connection to like nature and God with this birth because of like how the night unfolded, and like we woke to a baby.
• 29:05
  Megan: Well, I never slept, but like a baby and the sunrise.
• 29:09
  Angela: Um, and just her whole pregnancy with walking with other women and the whole like yeah, circles that she were doing.
• 29:16
  Angela: I just I feel like you just went deeper this time.
• 29:19
  Angela: Yeah, it sounds like.
• 29:21
  Megan: Yeah, and it was just so lovely.
• 29:23
  Megan: And yeah, afterwards, trying to think of what else.
• 29:27
  Megan: So, like the placenta came out, you know, I had some some cramping, which is normal.
• 29:32
  Megan: She nursed, nursed okay.
• 29:34
  Megan: Um, and then we actually did a cord burning ceremony this time instead of cutting the cord, which like postpartum, I think I was losing a little more blood than I knew because like I I was kind of out of it, like I wasn't feeling like elated, like obviously I'm happy, but like it was it was very different in that like I think I was a little woozy.
• 29:59
  Megan: So, like we did the cord burning ceremony, but like it takes a while.
• 30:03
  Megan: And I just remember being like kind of impatient and telling Emily, I'm like, we should just cut it.
• 30:08
  Megan: And she's like, No, it's almost done.
• 30:10
  Megan: Um she just kept encouraging me.
• 30:12
  Megan: Um, but yeah, I'm glad that we did it and we we finished through with the burning of it.
• 30:18
  Megan: But like in the moment, I remember feeling like, uh, and I remember even like the midwife like showing me my placenta, and like I'm so interested in all the things, but like in the moment I remember being like, that's so cool.
• 30:30
  Megan: But like I didn't feel genuine in how I was saying it because I was like, you know, we ended up taking a video of her showing me the placenta, so I was able to watch it later.
• 30:39
  Megan: Um but the interesting thing about the postpartum this time was like I had a lot more like plots coming out than my previous two births, and like I don't know how much of like what came out because I wasn't like as present to what was happening postpartum.
• 30:58
  Megan: Like I feel like the home birth midwives I had last time, they just like cleaned everything up and took it away.
• 31:03
  Megan: And like this time I kind of like saw what was going on.
• 31:06
  Megan: Like I didn't rush to have a pad put on right away.
• 31:09
  Megan: Like I kind of wanted to just let things, you know, be natural.
• 31:13
  Megan: But I remember I remember the midwife at one point was saying, like, yeah, you've you've lost a little more blood than I'd like to see, but nothing alarming.
• 31:24
  Megan: So she like ended up staying a little bit more because of that, a little longer than she normally does just to watch me.
• 31:31
  Megan: And then I remember she ended up like she was about to leave, and I had already like got up to pee once, and she wanted me to get up one more time before she left, but my baby just fell asleep on me, and I was like, I think we're gonna take a nap, and I promise I'll go when I wake up.
• 31:48
  Megan: And she was like, Okay.
• 31:49
  Megan: So she left, and this is like where my husband and I both learned our lesson.
• 31:55
  Megan: Like, I woke up and you know, put the baby in the bassinet, and then I got up to go to the bathroom because like having a home birth, like I didn't have any tears this, you know, and or the last time.
• 32:07
  Megan: And I remember just like getting up and he was gonna change the bed while I went to the bathroom and the baby was in the bassinet, but I didn't think about how much blood I just lost.
• 32:16
  Megan: So I went to the bathroom and I'm I'm changing my pad, and I remember looking at it, I'm like, that's a lot of blood.
• 32:24
  Megan: That's like a lot.
• 32:25
  Megan: Like it was like a big pad, but like it was fully saturated.
• 32:29
  Megan: And I remember feeling a little woozy, but like I couldn't say anything fast enough.
• 32:35
  Megan: And then I had a I had the other pad like on and I was like trying to stand up to like pull my underwear up.
• 32:41
  Megan: And then I fainted in the bathroom.
• 32:44
  Megan: And thank God my husband was like in the other room and heard it, but then I like came to of him being like looking the most terrified as he ever ever has in his life.
• 32:54
  Megan: Like, what happened?
• 32:55
  Megan: Like, what happened?
• 32:56
  Megan: Did you fall?
• 32:56
  Megan: And I was like, I don't know, but I'm okay.
• 32:59
  Megan: And like I was like super woozy.
• 33:02
  Megan: And I remember hearing somewhere on like a birth podcast that, like, if there's blood loss, stay horizontal.
• 33:07
  Megan: And I was like, I just need to lay on the floor and I'll be okay.
• 33:11
  Megan: Um, but we didn't realize, like, I fell and I hit my head, and there was a hole in the wall in the drywall in the bathroom that we still have like we've patched, but we haven't painted.
• 33:21
  Megan: Um, so we called the midwife and she came back and like they were just checking me for like head injuries and like everything.
• 33:28
  Megan: And so I did end up getting a shot of pitocin when she came back.
• 33:32
  Megan: So we like talked through all the options and um, and so she had she had stayed for a little bit longer and like I wasn't feeling dizzy or lightheaded anymore.
• 33:42
  Megan: And I knew that I wasn't to get up alone ever again, like make sure my husband was with me.
• 33:47
  Megan: And that night, I think that so that was like the the first night, I guess technically.
• 33:53
  Megan: Like then I remember in the middle of the night, like I passed a very big plot that was like the like very big, but then like that was it.
• 34:01
  Megan: And then from there on, like, my healing started.
• 34:04
  Megan: Um, but that was just like the unexpected turn of events, you know, like you have like a super great like experience, but then it was like it was that feeling of like I knew I was okay immediately, so like I wasn't worried and I was able to just be like, I'm okay, just put a cold rag on my head.
• 34:25
  Megan: And then like it was just the interesting thing of losing a lot of blood.
• 34:29
  Megan: Like we it just happens, right?
• 34:33
  Angela: Yeah, it does for sure.
• 34:35
  Angela: Yeah.
• 34:35
  Angela: Anything can really happen with birth.
• 34:37
  Angela: It's like like the great like analogy is like it's like the ocean, like you can go out on the ocean and have like a great, beautiful, sunny, calm day, and it's like all of a sudden that sunny, calm day kind of can turn, you know, on you and you don't really see it coming.
• 34:51
  Megan: Yeah, exactly.
• 34:52
  Megan: But you know, it just made us like extra vigilant.
• 34:55
  Megan: And I guess just looking back, it's like now I understand, like when you're in the hospital, that's why they have somebody walk with you because things happen.
• 35:03
  Megan: Um, and you know, like you think you're feeling good, but you don't know because you don't know.
• 35:09
  Megan: You don't know what you don't know.
• 35:11
  Megan: Um, but eventually we'll paint that bathroom and cover that square of drywall that um that's like the last reminiscent thing of the of the home birth.
• 35:21
  Megan: Um, but yeah, it can be messy sometimes.
• 35:24
  Megan: And sometimes there's flood.
• 35:26
  Megan: Um, but yeah, it was just a really amazing, amazing birth.
• 35:32
  Megan: And like it further validated like my trust and faith in in God and just like just like trusting and having faith in in myself and in my body and and in you know God's creation that like our bodies were made to do this.
• 35:50
  Megan: And you know, if we just like let go of the fear and like give it to God, that like everything works out.
• 35:58
  Megan: And I feel like that was my biggest lesson of the birth was like I feel like I kept like praying for like this slower labor.
• 36:06
  Megan: And like I remember talking to some people throughout my pregnancy of like, I know this is a weird thing, but like I want a slow labor, like I want to know what it feels like to like have the progression of labor.
• 36:20
  Megan: Um, and I got to experience that this time, and that was really special um because both of the other times it's like it's like from zero to like transition both times in my other births.
• 36:32
  Megan: And this one was like it was easy, like the water broke, and then the contractions started like 30 minutes apart, and then like slowly ramped up over time.
• 36:42
  Megan: Um, and yeah, it was just so nice to be along for the ride.
• 36:47
  Megan: And like I even remember like overnight, like as I was by myself, like having the the waves, and like I had my window open and I could like hear the crickets, and it was just like so peaceful, and yeah, it was just so beautiful.
• 37:04
  Megan: And you know, she's 14 months now, so I wasn't sure if I would like remember like enough to tell the story again, but like it's one that I'll never never forget.
• 37:14
  Megan: Like the details and the feelings of just like how awesome it could be.
• 37:20
  Megan: And there were definitely moments of challenge.
• 37:23
  Megan: Like I feel like for me, like when I'm going through labor, like it doesn't feel like pain.
• 37:29
  Megan: And maybe it's because like I did hypnobirthing and like I don't see it as pain.
• 37:34
  Megan: Um, but like there were just moments that were intense, but like I just got through it, and I yeah, I knew that it was like pain with a purpose, right?
• 37:46
  Megan: And it's not just like pain where I feel like I'm gonna die because I'm like, this is pain that's that's bringing my baby one step closer.
• 37:56
  Megan: And so I just remember throughout like the pushing phase, like I feel like once I started pushing, trying to remember like when did it change from like I I feel like once I stood up, like I said, like I stood up, contractions got really intense, and then I wanted to be on the bed where I've given birth before.
• 38:17
  Megan: Like I always want to be on the bed, and then I just got where I was comfortable, and then she was born.
• 38:23
  Megan: But I will say the pushing was now that I I'm remembering a little better, like I remember like pushing, and then the midwife, thankfully, like it was helpful to have her guidance because like I think I like lost track of like it was so intense, so like I knew my body was pushing, so I was just like pushing really hard, even when there wasn't a contraction of like, okay, let's just get this done.
• 38:49
  Megan: And so somehow she sensed that and like in a very gentle way, like reminded me to like only push when you feel the contraction, and that really helped me, like maybe not tear or you know, whatever was going on.
• 39:05
  Megan: Um, and then yeah, and then she came out pretty gently after.
• 39:10
  Megan: Um, but yeah, and she's she's doing great.
• 39:14
  Megan: She did really well with nursing.
• 39:16
  Megan: Um, I'm trying to think if there was anything.
• 39:19
  Megan: I feel like postpartum was just like super awesome.
• 39:23
  Megan: I was I was like, how is it gonna be with three and having like two, you know, how old were they?
• 39:29
  Megan: Three and five at the time.
• 39:31
  Megan: Like they're still little kids, um, but they just love their sister from the start.
• 39:37
  Megan: And my five-year-old is obsessed with the little baby, and he like helps me take care of her, and so, so sweet.
• 39:43
  Megan: Yeah, and she's just she's just the happiest little baby.
• 39:47
  Megan: I don't know if it's a third baby thing, but she's just like so happy to be along for the ride, like never.
• 39:54
  Megan: I mean, obviously she cries sometimes, but I feel like she's just like the happiest little girl.
• 40:00
  Angela: Oh, that's amazing.
• 40:01
  Angela: I don't know.
• 40:02
  Angela: I feel like I had the same thing with my third baby.
• 40:04
  Megan: Maybe it's a third baby thing.
• 40:06
  Megan: Yeah.
• 40:07
  Megan: And maybe it's just that like my other kids are getting a little bit older.
• 40:10
  Megan: So I feel like it's just like I'm maybe I'm like so much more present to the baby time because it's like you know how fast they grow.
• 40:17
  Megan: Like, and and it's just so exciting too to have a girl, like she's a baby.
• 40:22
  Megan: So I mean, I know she's a girl, obviously, but like now that she's got this hair, I'm like, how do I even put a ponytail?
• 40:28
  Megan: But like she's got enough hair that like I can put a ponytail in.
• 40:32
  Megan: And so I feel like I'm getting into that like fun, like being a girl mom kind of kind of stage.
• 40:38
  Megan: And um, but yeah, it's super sweet.
• 40:41
  Megan: And yeah, I really just I love I love birth.
• 40:44
  Megan: And I don't know if my family's complete, which probably means it's not.
• 40:48
  Megan: Um I feel like we'll see what the future holds, but um, I feel like being somebody who, you know, loves birth and like it makes it very easy to want another child.
• 41:02
  Angela: Yeah.
• 41:02
  Angela: Oh my goodness.
• 41:04
  Angela: Incredible.
• 41:04
  Angela: What an incredible story.
• 41:06
  Angela: That's just amazing.
• 41:08
  Angela: And yeah, she's finally getting to the age where you can do the little ponytails on top of her head, right?
• 41:13
  Angela: Yeah, the the little ones that like the picking eyes.
• 41:16
  Angela: Yeah.
• 41:17
  Angela: Oh my goodness.
• 41:19
  Angela: Wow.
• 41:20
  Angela: So I do have like one question kind of circling back when you first found out you were pregnant.
• 41:27
  Angela: Was that sort of around the time all of that?
• 41:30
  Angela: You you mentioned the dogma, um, like with like thinking of like the free birth things.
• 41:35
  Angela: And was that right around the time you know that all of those things were kind of being brought to light as you were kind of making your decision on if you wanted to have a midwife, like what type of support you wanted, what type of birth you wanted.
• 41:49
  Angela: Did that play into your decision making at all?
• 41:53
  Megan: Like, yeah, well, I think part of it, yeah, I think because like I was listening to their podcast, but then I for some reason, like I think it was like when things were like being brought up and like you know, we're hearing things of like what's really going on, and like I knew a few people who um at least one person that I know personally in real life who like went through the like the RBK school, and like now she's like becoming a CNM and like like going a completely different path.
• 42:23
  Megan: And um, I feel like it's just like validating because like I feel like for me, it was like it felt like by listening to that podcast and like that whole like world of like free birth society, it was like if you're not having a free birth on your own, you're not doing it right.
• 42:42
  Megan: And so it's like that like feeling like I'm not not doing it right kind of thing.
• 42:49
  Megan: Like, and I guess that's what I felt, like, you know, like it's free birth or go home.
• 42:54
  Megan: And I just personally, I really felt convicted because I was like, for me, that's not the case.
• 43:00
  Megan: And um, like for me, I really would love for like a wise woman to be there.
• 43:04
  Megan: And you know, it was really amazing having Leslie because she was um at the time when I started working with her, like she was a hospital-based midwife who did like one home birth a month.
• 43:17
  Megan: And like halfway through my pregnancy, like she had stopped her hospital practice and switched to doing like full home birth because she had been, it's so hard to like work two worlds.
• 43:28
  Megan: Um, you know, it's like because there's the money in it, but then it's like, you know, I could tell that like she really wanted to support women in this way.
• 43:36
  Megan: So I feel like that was super encouraging.
• 43:39
  Megan: So like I think at first, like where I live, there really weren't any other midwives around other than her.
• 43:45
  Megan: And I didn't really have much knowledge.
• 43:47
  Megan: And I was like, she works in a hospital.
• 43:48
  Megan: I hope this is gonna be a right fit, even though she does home birth, but like she has seven kids of her own.
• 43:54
  Megan: And it was just like it it was a really good fit.
• 43:57
  Megan: And I feel like it was like that personal relationship.
• 43:59
  Megan: That I developed with her and like she really cared about me and my family and my ch my other children and making sure like everybody felt well and like she had a really nice birth assistant who had like an awesome or aura about her and um yeah it was just but yeah the free birth thing I think it was like like in my heart like I knew that I could have a free birth because I did it but like for me just having that experienced trained professional on hand should something go awry because I'm not like naive to think that like birth emergencies don't happen, you know, and I think that that's what I felt like with free birth society and like that whole movement, it was like yeah, accidents happen, but you just like let them happen and you just deal with it.
• 44:52
  Megan: And it's like, well, if somebody can save my life or my baby's life, like I'd rather have somebody with that knowledge and skill set on hand to assist if needed.
• 45:02
  Megan: And my hope is that they're not needed.
• 45:04
  Megan: And when I when I did choose Leslie, like I was very upfront, thankfully, because of my doula's like um coaching and just making sure to ask the questions of like, are you okay with being there and not intervening?
• 45:19
  Megan: And just making sure that like that relationship with the midwife is what I'm hoping for because really I wanted like the doula present for like emotional support and like the midwife there in case anything happened and I needed extra, extra help.
• 45:35
  Megan: Because like I think for like the birth, like I didn't even feel like she was there until she said that one thing at pushing, and then obviously she was there postpartum, but like that was what I wanted, you know, and it's like I didn't feel like she was trying to to intervene.
• 45:51
  Megan: Like she respected my choice.
• 45:53
  Megan: And for me, I feel like everybody, it's like whatever birth you want, whatever you need to do to feel safe is the right like birth setup for you.
• 46:02
  Megan: Like, if you want to be in a hospital and that makes you feel safe, then then go for it.
• 46:08
  Megan: Um, but for me, it's like I want to be in the comfort of my own home with people who know me, and it just doesn't feel clinical.
• 46:17
  Megan: And so I feel like I've kind of learned what what feels right.
• 46:21
  Megan: And it's interesting to go through the transition of like hospital and then home birth, and then like home birth with a different midwife could be a completely different experience, right?
• 46:30
  Megan: Like every midwife is different in how they practice.
• 46:33
  Megan: So if anybody's listening and you're looking for a midwife, I would say just ask all the questions about like what you would want them to do at your birth and make sure they're the right fit for like what you want them there to do.
• 46:49
  Angela: Yeah, definitely.
• 46:50
  Angela: It's really important to like interview as many as you possibly can that are in your area.
• 46:55
  Angela: Sometimes it's hard because, like you said, there's sometimes not that many in your area, but you know, in that case to just really focus on asking all of the questions.
• 47:04
  Angela: And ultimately, no matter where you're birthing, whether you're birthing in the hospital or in a birth center or with a midwife at home or even just alone, like you are the authority over your birth choices.
• 47:17
  Angela: And you know, nobody else, like ultimately, if you're firm in your like auto personal autonomy and like develop that like in preparation for birth, then you're gonna feel confident saying, This is what I want, this is what I don't want.
• 47:29
  Angela: And like your support team, whether it's the hospital, you know, birth center at home with a midwife, or even just alone, like you know, just make those choices, like you're the authority, and also like there's no, like you said, there's no right or wrong way to do it and like looks different for everybody.
• 47:45
  Megan: Yeah.
• 47:45
  Megan: And I think that that's that that was the biggest thing with like because I felt like, oh yeah, like it was super awesome to have this like unassisted birth, but like what do I want?
• 47:56
  Megan: And I was like, I I mean, that was super empowering, but like I also wouldn't mind if somebody's there just in case I need support.
• 48:03
  Megan: And I ended up needing support, so I'm so grateful I had a midwife there.
• 48:08
  Angela: Yeah, oh, I love that.
• 48:10
  Angela: So yeah, now like as a final question, I asked this.
• 48:14
  Angela: I know you asked answer this before when you're on the podcast, but now after everything that you've been through, if you were to give advice, like one or a few pieces of advice to new moms or moms who are expecting, what are some of the biggest things that you'd want to share?
• 48:32
  Megan: I would say for expecting moms, um, I feel like the biggest thing is just to trust your body and its ability to do the birth.
• 48:44
  Megan: Like I feel like we're just along for the ride, and the more you can trust your body and what it's designed to do, like the easier I feel like it's a mental game.
• 48:55
  Megan: So like just trusting your body to birth your baby because that's what it's made to do.
• 49:00
  Megan: Um, and then postpartum, I would say just making sure that you have support, whether it's people bringing you meals or especially first-time moms, like lactation support, like breastfeeding can be challenging to figure out.
• 49:14
  Megan: But if you have the right support, like there's people that will be there with you figuring it out, helping you figure it out, um, and then getting that help like really early on.
• 49:24
  Megan: Like, don't wait until you're having issues with milk supply to call like like it's okay to call them on day one.
• 49:31
  Megan: Like it might cost some, but I feel like insurances nowadays they cover a lot of like lactation visits, even in-home visits.
• 49:37
  Megan: Cause I had one come to me.
• 49:40
  Megan: Um so they they even come to your house now.
• 49:43
  Megan: So I feel like just yeah, getting the support and setting yourself up to have help so that you can just focus on your baby because that's your job once you have the baby.
• 49:54
  Megan: All the other stuff can wait.
• 49:56
  Megan: Seriously, so true.
• 49:58
  Angela: Love it.
• 49:59
  Angela: Thank you, Megan, so much for taking the time to chat with me today and share your third birth story.
• 50:06
  Angela: It was so beautiful and such an honor to sit here and listen to you share it.
• 50:12
  Megan: Yeah, thank you, Angela, for holding this space.
• 50:20
  Kate Sutherland: Follow the walk of the wild ones into the woods and the darkness.
• 50:25
  Kate Sutherland: Rebirth the waves of the ancient ones whose tracks were washed away in blood.
• 50:30
  Kate Sutherland: It's all to us now to open up and take beyond what we prefed.
• 50:35
  Kate Sutherland: Take up the feet, our flesh, take to the death, follow the water, the wild, into the woods at the darkness, we went away, and once that we're watching, it was not to open up and take the back, take up the light.
• 51:00
  Kate Sutherland: In darkness, that looks like the way to be the soil of changing time.
• 51:12
  Kate Sutherland: I'll be on the light and you'll be light.
• 51:17
  Kate Sutherland: Into the wood and the darkness, we both the way of the ancient lights, it's back to the walk the way the light.
• 51:33
  Kate Sutherland: Take up the feet, it's five, and change the light after death.
• 51:44
  Kate Sutherland: Step by step through the unknown, I'll be online and you'll be mine.
• 51:49
  Kate Sutherland: In darkness, let love light the way to feed the soil of changing times.
• 51:55
  Kate Sutherland: Step by step through the unknown, I'll be your line and you'll be mine.
• 52:00
  Kate Sutherland: In darkness, let love light the way to feed the soil of changing times.