Latest / Do You F*cking Mind? / PT 2. HEADNOISE: Navigating awkward dynamics when your spouses (girl) friend crosses the line & MORE. Part 2

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PT 2. HEADNOISE: Navigating awkward dynamics when your spouses (girl) friend crosses the line & MORE. Part 2 · Do You F*cking Mind?

0:10
Speaker 1: Hello, beautiful beans, Welcome to part two of the head
0:13
Speaker 1: Noise episode. These are the email questions that people have
0:16
Speaker 1: sent in as usual, loving it so much, thriving, thriving,
0:22
Speaker 1: thriving every time I get all these emails from you guys,
0:25
Speaker 1: not that you have problems in your life that doesn't
0:27
Speaker 1: make me thrive, but that we can work through them
0:30
Speaker 1: and hopefully come up with some sort of a solution. Obsessed, Okay,
0:33
Speaker 1: let's just get straight into it. I've got three to answer.
0:36
Speaker 1: They're all fabulous questions. Hi, Alexis, thank you so much
0:41
Speaker 1: for all of your guidance and support. I find something
0:43
Speaker 1: useful in every single podcast.
0:45
Speaker 2: Thank you.
0:45
Speaker 1: One issue I'm having is with a friend in inverted
0:48
Speaker 1: Commas of my husband. They went to high school and
0:52
Speaker 1: college together, even had a one night stand fifteen years ago.
0:56
Speaker 1: She has been married for twelve ish years now to
0:58
Speaker 1: one of my husband's best friends. Since I met her
1:01
Speaker 1: five years ago, she has made it apparent that she
1:03
Speaker 1: feels she has a claim over my husband, frequently reminds
1:06
Speaker 1: me how many memories she and him share, and generally
1:09
Speaker 1: has attention seeking behavior towards him. She's even gone so
1:12
Speaker 1: far as to lay across his lap when we're all
1:15
Speaker 1: hanging out together, which I made clear was not okay.
1:18
Speaker 1: My husband does not care to hang out with her,
1:21
Speaker 1: but wants to maintain his friendship with her husband. I
1:24
Speaker 1: am uncomfortable every time we hang out, but I don't
1:27
Speaker 1: want to ask him to eliminate that friendship and cut
1:30
Speaker 1: ties completely. I have zero concerns about my husband being unfaithful,
1:34
Speaker 1: but I can't continue to endure her bad behavior. Suggestions
1:38
Speaker 1: for how I address it, Thank you, Leah.
1:41
Speaker 2: That is so fucking annoying. That is so fucking annoying.
1:44
Speaker 1: Especially when it's like a blatant trying to claim I
1:48
Speaker 1: know the kind of person you're talking about, whether they're
1:49
Speaker 1: trying to claim some sort of like I know this
1:52
Speaker 1: person better, we've got a stronger connection. It's very like
1:56
Speaker 1: pick me toxic.
1:57
Speaker 2: Kind of vibes.
1:59
Speaker 1: Okay, there's a few certain things that you can do
2:03
Speaker 1: to address it. Obviously, I feel like you, well, this
2:06
Speaker 1: is not obvious, but I would imagine that you haven't
2:09
Speaker 1: spoken to her about it, and it's not something that
2:12
Speaker 1: you would want to speak to.
2:13
Speaker 2: Her about because I feel like it's kind of.
2:16
Speaker 1: One of those things that if you were to address it,
2:18
Speaker 1: they would deflect hard and act like they don't know
2:20
Speaker 1: what you're talking about and be like, wow, you're a psycho,
2:22
Speaker 1: Like I can just see that.
2:23
Speaker 2: That would be one of the reactions.
2:25
Speaker 1: So I guess you've got to look at it from
2:27
Speaker 1: a what am I willing to kind of put up
2:29
Speaker 1: with or deal with perspective. So if I were in
2:36
Speaker 1: your shoes, I'm just talking about, I'm going to give
2:38
Speaker 1: you a few different scenarios and options that you could
2:41
Speaker 1: play around with. So, for example, you say that you
2:44
Speaker 1: trust your husband wholeheartedly, like it's not about that you
2:48
Speaker 1: know that he's just like, oh, honestly, like this is painful,
2:51
Speaker 1: but I'm not doing anything because I want to maintain
2:53
Speaker 1: the friendship with the husband whatever. So one of the
2:55
Speaker 1: things that I would do, especially if you're not close
2:58
Speaker 1: friend with a husband, is that for a lot of
3:00
Speaker 1: the hangouts.
3:01
Speaker 2: I just wouldn't go.
3:03
Speaker 1: Not because it's like I can't be there, but it's
3:06
Speaker 1: like I've got better shit to do with my time.
3:08
Speaker 1: So I would encourage my partner by all means, hang
3:10
Speaker 1: out with that friend as often as you want. But
3:12
Speaker 1: given that the wives aren't really friends, we don't have
3:15
Speaker 1: to hang out every time.
3:16
Speaker 2: You hang out.
3:17
Speaker 1: We still will see each other occasionally, but I don't
3:20
Speaker 1: need to now go to every hangout.
3:22
Speaker 2: It's not happening. Okay.
3:24
Speaker 1: I would say to my partner, you know what, go
3:27
Speaker 1: for gold, knock yourself out, hang out with him as
3:29
Speaker 1: many times as you want. I genuinely love that for you.
3:31
Speaker 1: I'm actually all for partners having strong friendships outside of
3:35
Speaker 1: the relationship.
3:36
Speaker 2: So that's yes, yes, yes, yes, tik tik tik tik
3:38
Speaker 2: to all of that. I don't need to be there.
3:39
Speaker 1: I don't need to be there, especially if I'm not
3:42
Speaker 1: friends with this woman. Like, what is this obsession with
3:45
Speaker 1: like everyone needing to hang out just because you're married
3:48
Speaker 1: and signed a piece of paper. Fuck that shit, you
3:50
Speaker 1: guys hang out. I'm gonna fucking do whatever the fuck
3:54
Speaker 1: I want. In the meantime, I'm gonna go and see
3:56
Speaker 1: my friends. I'm gonna lay down and do nothing. I'm
3:58
Speaker 1: gonna do whatever I want. You've got to really value
4:01
Speaker 1: your time and say how important is it that I
4:04
Speaker 1: hang out there when I'm not even having a good time,
4:07
Speaker 1: So you can really eliminate the amount of times, and
4:09
Speaker 1: I can guarantee you her behavior is probably at its
4:12
Speaker 1: worst when you are there, because she's probably trying to
4:16
Speaker 1: prove a point. I can't imagine that she'll be sprawling
4:18
Speaker 1: herself over your husband's lap when it's just your husband
4:22
Speaker 1: and her husband and her if, for example, they hang
4:25
Speaker 1: out at their home. Does that make sense. I just
4:27
Speaker 1: feel like a lot of the time, when someone's trying
4:29
Speaker 1: to flex so hard, it's just they're really just probably
4:32
Speaker 1: just trying to prove a point to you, that she's
4:34
Speaker 1: got this closeness with him that you just wouldn't understand
4:37
Speaker 1: or whatever. And this happens from often insecurities when someone
4:41
Speaker 1: comes into the fold and they feel like their position
4:45
Speaker 1: in that hierarchy of relationships has been knocked down.
4:48
Speaker 2: A few rungs.
4:48
Speaker 1: Okay, So that's personally what I, Alexis Fernandez, would do.
4:54
Speaker 1: I would just be like, love you so much to
4:57
Speaker 1: my husband, but I don't actually need to be there.
5:00
Speaker 2: Therefore I will not be there. I can't be fucked.
5:02
Speaker 2: I don't need to see that shit.
5:03
Speaker 1: I trust you, but I don't need to see that shit,
5:06
Speaker 1: and I've got better things to do, like scratch my ass, Okay,
5:09
Speaker 1: then witness this shit.
5:11
Speaker 2: Can't be bothered. So that's what I would do the
5:13
Speaker 2: second thing you can do.
5:14
Speaker 1: If you're like, no, no, no, no, no, I just
5:16
Speaker 1: really want to expose myself to this really annoying behavior.
5:18
Speaker 2: I love it so much, then what you could do is.
5:21
Speaker 1: Just say to your husband, we need to come up
5:23
Speaker 1: with some sort of game plan for every time she
5:26
Speaker 1: behaves that way, where we're both a bit of a
5:28
Speaker 1: united front. Like, basically, I need you to have a
5:32
Speaker 1: bit more boundaries because I feel uncomfortable.
5:37
Speaker 2: You've agreed that it's.
5:38
Speaker 1: Annoying, so I need to see you kind of step
5:43
Speaker 1: up a little bit, Like you don't want to put
5:44
Speaker 1: the blame on him, because it's not like it's his behavior.
5:46
Speaker 2: She's just being annoying.
5:47
Speaker 1: But if she's going to be standing on his lap,
5:49
Speaker 1: for him to just step up and walk away, like
5:51
Speaker 1: for him to be a bit more dismissive of this
5:52
Speaker 1: kind of behavior, right that it's just to prove that
5:56
Speaker 1: I'm not kind of into it. I'm no longer accepting it. Obviously, there's,
6:00
Speaker 1: like I said at the start of my advice, there
6:02
Speaker 1: is the obvious hit her between the eyes and talk
6:05
Speaker 1: about it, but I just feel like it probably won't
6:07
Speaker 1: be received in a mature way. So you might not
6:10
Speaker 1: want to go down that path, but I would pick
6:12
Speaker 1: the first option.
6:13
Speaker 2: I just wouldn't be bothered. I've got better things to do, genuinely,
6:17
Speaker 2: like what fuck that shit?
6:19
Speaker 1: Like go and entertain yourself, sprailing yourself on other people's laps,
6:22
Speaker 1: I don't care.
6:22
Speaker 2: And especially if you trust your husband and you're like, honestly, if.
6:26
Speaker 1: You want to be annoyed by your best friend's wife,
6:29
Speaker 1: be my guest. If you don't want to have boundaries,
6:31
Speaker 1: that's your problem, but not mine. Like if my husband
6:34
Speaker 1: didn't have boundaries with that and just was like, oh,
6:36
Speaker 1: I don't want to offend anyone, congratulations, don't offend anyone.
6:38
Speaker 2: I don't need to witness that shit.
6:40
Speaker 1: I'm gonna go and take myself for a walk and
6:41
Speaker 1: have some fucking ice cream.
6:43
Speaker 2: Okay, that's what I would do.
6:44
Speaker 1: So I don't know if that's the advice you were
6:46
Speaker 1: looking for, but that's my advice to you.
6:48
Speaker 2: Just take the power back.
6:49
Speaker 1: And be like, this is bullshit and I don't need
6:52
Speaker 1: to deal with it.
6:54
Speaker 2: Thank you for writing.
6:54
Speaker 1: In next question, Hi, Alexis, I was with my boyfriend
7:02
Speaker 1: for two years. All was great, and still we started
7:05
Speaker 1: becoming distant and I started to see myself lose feelings.
7:09
Speaker 1: I would talk to my friends about how I wanted
7:11
Speaker 1: to break up and how I didn't feel a spark anymore.
7:14
Speaker 1: I wasn't happy, but I also didn't feel sorry. I
7:20
Speaker 1: wasn't happy, but I also didn't want to be the
7:23
Speaker 1: one to break up.
7:25
Speaker 2: Okay, there's a lot to talk about him.
7:26
Speaker 1: Eventually he broke up with me. I thought i'd be relieved,
7:31
Speaker 1: but it was the opposite. I tried to beg him back,
7:34
Speaker 1: and once we started going no contact, I felt so
7:36
Speaker 1: heartbroken and missed him so much. Why does this happen?
7:40
Speaker 1: Is it attachment regret? Or is it just being used
7:43
Speaker 1: to that person? Okay, this is quite a common thing,
7:48
Speaker 1: so I'm very glad that you wrote in about this.
7:50
Speaker 2: This is very common.
7:51
Speaker 1: You're not happy it would have never worked out. You
7:53
Speaker 1: wouldn't have been happy that relationship was not it right,
7:57
Speaker 1: But you are not happier being alone. You do not
8:03
Speaker 1: like being alone as in single. You don't like the
8:06
Speaker 1: idea of being single, and I don't know what the
8:08
Speaker 1: reason behind it is. Is it that you feel like
8:10
Speaker 1: you are running out of time? Is it that you
8:13
Speaker 1: don't like your own company?
8:14
Speaker 2: Being alone?
8:15
Speaker 1: Is it that you find your identity in being in
8:17
Speaker 1: a relationship. There's many reasons, and I don't know your
8:20
Speaker 1: particular reason. You have to do that searching on your own, but.
8:24
Speaker 2: There's many reasons why you.
8:27
Speaker 1: While you didn't like the relationship, you don't like being
8:31
Speaker 1: alone even more. Right, that's why you didn't want to
8:34
Speaker 1: pull the pin. Another reason why you didn't want to
8:36
Speaker 1: pull the pin is because you didn't want to have
8:38
Speaker 1: the guilt of potentially making a mistake.
8:40
Speaker 2: So you wait and you stay around. You hang around.
8:43
Speaker 1: If something better had come along, not saying that you cheat,
8:46
Speaker 1: but if you saw the potential of a much better
8:49
Speaker 1: relationship coming along, even if you didn't act on it
8:53
Speaker 1: at all, you'll probably feel a lot more empowered to
8:55
Speaker 1: do something about it because you're like, no, no, no,
8:57
Speaker 1: I know that for sure there's potential for something here
9:00
Speaker 1: that I could find to love somewhere else that it
9:02
Speaker 1: would be better. I would feel empowered to end this relationship.
9:06
Speaker 1: But there was nothing better. There was no other options
9:08
Speaker 1: in front of you that you thought this is a
9:09
Speaker 1: better life, including being single. So you didn't want to
9:12
Speaker 1: pull the pin, and you didn't, But then you thought,
9:16
Speaker 1: you know, it would be a lot easier if the
9:17
Speaker 1: person pulls the pin for me, because you think the
9:19
Speaker 1: job would be done for me, I at least won't
9:21
Speaker 1: have the guild of did I make a mistake, did
9:24
Speaker 1: I make the right decision?
9:24
Speaker 2: Did I make the wrong decision? But lo and.
9:26
Speaker 1: Behold, the pin was pulled and the end result is
9:30
Speaker 1: the same.
9:31
Speaker 2: You're not in a relationship.
9:33
Speaker 1: I think you value just being in a relationship more
9:37
Speaker 1: than being alone. So my ultimate advice to you is
9:41
Speaker 1: that you need to do some serious work on how
9:43
Speaker 1: can I start enjoying my own company and liking myself
9:48
Speaker 1: as a person. And I know that's a very, very
9:50
Speaker 1: very big task and it's a big undertaking, but it's
9:53
Speaker 1: a very necessary one for you to have ultimate happiness
9:56
Speaker 1: single end in your next relationship, because nobody can make
9:59
Speaker 1: you happy. You'll enter your next relationship even with a
10:02
Speaker 1: really lovely, happy person. But unless you're doing the work
10:05
Speaker 1: on yourself, these feelings might be cropping up in one way,
10:08
Speaker 1: shape or form or another. So this happens all the time.
10:12
Speaker 1: But what happens your mind starts to trick you. You're like,
10:15
Speaker 1: I'm really fucking uncomfortable right now. I didn't think I
10:18
Speaker 1: just didn't think it'd be this unpleasant. Now I'm alone,
10:21
Speaker 1: I got what I wanted. I wasn't happy in the relationship.
10:23
Speaker 1: I was telling everyone I didn't want to be here,
10:24
Speaker 1: don't want to be in this relationship. I'm not happy.
10:26
Speaker 1: He literally handed to me what I wanted deep down,
10:29
Speaker 1: And now that I've got it, I don't like being alone.
10:31
Speaker 1: I don't like the alternative. So while that didn't make
10:33
Speaker 1: me happy, I'm also not happy. What you're realizing is
10:36
Speaker 1: that you are not currently creating enough of your own
10:41
Speaker 1: happiness for you to feel satisfied that the relationship has ended.
10:44
Speaker 1: But you weren't happy in the relationship. But your brain,
10:48
Speaker 1: like all our fucking brains, likes to try to remind
10:51
Speaker 1: you of what makes you feel safe. It's not trying
10:53
Speaker 1: to fuck you over. It's just trying to do what
10:55
Speaker 1: it knows best, and that is what are you going
10:58
Speaker 1: to feel where you're going to feel the safest. And
10:59
Speaker 1: if you're feeling like I hate being sinkle, I feel
11:01
Speaker 1: like this is the wrong thing. I feel like it's
11:04
Speaker 1: going to be.
11:04
Speaker 2: Like Remember the time that you did have fun in
11:07
Speaker 2: that relationship.
11:08
Speaker 1: Remember at the beginning of the relationship, when it was
11:10
Speaker 1: actually fun. Remember when we first got together and it
11:13
Speaker 1: was a honeymoon period, and you're gonna get all these
11:14
Speaker 1: memories of the actual good time, which is probably just
11:17
Speaker 1: the beginning of the relationship or the first year or
11:19
Speaker 1: however long, whatever portion was actually good before it got.
11:22
Speaker 2: Shit, and then you only remember that.
11:24
Speaker 1: Your brain selectively ignores this big black hole of the
11:27
Speaker 1: shitty stage of the relationship. And then you're here thinking, fuck,
11:31
Speaker 1: I've made a mistake. No you haven't, No you haven't.
11:35
Speaker 1: You're just unhappy right now. So your brain is scrambling
11:38
Speaker 1: to find when you were happy, to see if you
11:40
Speaker 1: can maybe return to that, because it's just trying to
11:42
Speaker 1: make you feel safe again. It's trying to make you
11:44
Speaker 1: feel happy and satisfied with your life again.
11:46
Speaker 2: But it's tricking you. It's a trick. Okay, don't fall
11:49
Speaker 2: for it.
11:50
Speaker 1: Love our brains so much, but don't fall for it
11:53
Speaker 1: because it's.
11:54
Speaker 2: Not it's not it. Okay. So what's happening right now
11:57
Speaker 2: is that you should not be with this person.
12:00
Speaker 1: It's regret but for the wrong reasons. You're regretting something
12:05
Speaker 1: that you don't actually need to be regretting. And the
12:07
Speaker 1: reason you're regretting it is because you're not giving yourself
12:10
Speaker 1: a good enough chance to give yourself the best life
12:13
Speaker 1: you can give yourself. If you were satisfied with who
12:15
Speaker 1: you are, with your relationship with yourself, with where you
12:18
Speaker 1: are in life, I can guarantee you you would not
12:21
Speaker 1: be regretting this. You would not be feeling that it
12:24
Speaker 1: was the wrong thing for him to leave you, because
12:26
Speaker 1: you would know that you'd deserve a healthy, happy, fulfilled relationship.
12:29
Speaker 1: And if you don't have that, you don't want any
12:31
Speaker 1: other relationship. When someone is very happy with how they
12:34
Speaker 1: are alone and single, even if you want a relationship,
12:37
Speaker 1: it doesn't matter. You can be thrilled single and with
12:40
Speaker 1: yourself and being alone and desire a healthy, loving relationship.
12:45
Speaker 1: There's nothing wrong with that, and that's actually very normal
12:48
Speaker 1: and an It's part of a human need to want
12:52
Speaker 1: to bond with somebody. But when your level of self
12:56
Speaker 1: love and respect goes up, when you really start to
12:59
Speaker 1: love your life, you become the standards go up, and
13:03
Speaker 1: you become selective. It's like it's got to be this
13:06
Speaker 1: or nothing at all. At the moment, your standards are
13:09
Speaker 1: so low for how you enjoy being alone that you're like, yeah,
13:13
Speaker 1: I'd rather be in a relationship even though.
13:15
Speaker 2: It was shit. You didn't even like it.
13:16
Speaker 1: It's crazy when you actually like lay it down in
13:19
Speaker 1: front of you, you start to realize, like, why am
13:21
Speaker 1: I so cooked right now? Why am I trying to
13:23
Speaker 1: convince myself that it was wrong to be out of
13:26
Speaker 1: this relationship when I was genuinely so unhappy to the
13:29
Speaker 1: point that I was telling other people that I didn't
13:32
Speaker 1: want to be in this relationship. You need to remind
13:34
Speaker 1: yourself of that again and again and again. Trust me,
13:37
Speaker 1: you don't want him back.
13:39
Speaker 2: You don't.
13:40
Speaker 1: You're just unhappy right now with your circumstances. So he's
13:44
Speaker 1: got nothing to do with this. So that's one good
13:46
Speaker 1: thing tick done. We can eliminate him from the equation.
13:49
Speaker 1: Let's get down to the nitty gritty of it, and
13:51
Speaker 1: let's go and listen to all of Alexi's podcasts on
13:53
Speaker 1: self love, confidence, being alone versus being lonely. There's so
13:56
Speaker 1: many fucking episodes we can Shania, can you do a
13:59
Speaker 1: note so we can put this in?
14:00
Speaker 2: So we're gonna Shana and I are gonna put this.
14:02
Speaker 1: In the the show notes of this episode. We're gonna
14:06
Speaker 1: link a whole bunch of episodes to go listen to
14:07
Speaker 1: and want you to do your homework, want you to
14:09
Speaker 1: like dig deep and be like, I'm on a fucking mission.
14:12
Speaker 1: I'm on a mission to become my best friend. I'm
14:15
Speaker 1: on a mission to be someone that wakes up being like, fuck,
14:17
Speaker 1: I've got a good fucking life. It's fucking good. And
14:19
Speaker 1: now I know exactly the relationship I want, and I
14:22
Speaker 1: know exactly you know the feeling that I want to
14:25
Speaker 1: feel in a relationship, and I don't have to waste
14:27
Speaker 1: time with anything in between.
14:29
Speaker 2: I either have this epic.
14:30
Speaker 1: Life and I'm kind of putting my feelers out for
14:34
Speaker 1: a relationship that good, or I'm in a healthy relationship
14:38
Speaker 1: but there's no I'm not fucking around wasting time with
14:41
Speaker 1: bullshit in between.
14:42
Speaker 2: Okay, Hopefully that helped.
14:44
Speaker 1: Hopefully that like ah, like pushed you to be like
14:48
Speaker 1: like a shake, I want to shake people sometimes being
14:50
Speaker 1: like this is not it, You're kidding yourself.
14:53
Speaker 2: You just need to be snapped out of it.
14:54
Speaker 1: And then you realize no, no, no, no no, this is
14:56
Speaker 1: not I'm wasting my time time that I'll never get back.
15:00
Speaker 2: This is not it, This is not the relationship for you.
15:02
Speaker 2: It's done, it's finished and for the best.
15:07
Speaker 3: Since Okay, last question, No, Hi Alexis.
15:33
Speaker 1: I love your podcast so much. Thank you for everything
15:36
Speaker 1: that you do.
15:36
Speaker 2: Thank you.
15:37
Speaker 1: My question is regarding attachment to people when you find
15:40
Speaker 1: a deeper connection. Basically, I don't express depth of connection
15:44
Speaker 1: with just anyone. I see it as something quite rare
15:47
Speaker 1: and special. However, I seem to attract people who are
15:50
Speaker 1: very open and expressive with their emotions, even on a
15:53
Speaker 1: first date or even as a best friend. For example,
15:56
Speaker 1: after traveling with my longtime friend, we became infinitely close
16:00
Speaker 1: like twin flames, and it was objectively really beautiful. However,
16:04
Speaker 1: I started to become very attached to her platonically and
16:07
Speaker 1: would see her reassurance that we are still so close,
16:10
Speaker 1: and would often get jealous of her with other friendships.
16:14
Speaker 1: She's very verbal about how much she loves me, often
16:17
Speaker 1: telling me that I mean the whole world to her,
16:19
Speaker 1: but I know she says these sorts of things to
16:21
Speaker 1: her other friends as well. I've also had instances where
16:23
Speaker 1: I've hooked up with people and found deep connections with
16:26
Speaker 1: them after only a couple of days, or sometimes after
16:29
Speaker 1: just one great night. These people are also very verbal
16:32
Speaker 1: about how they feel, saying things like I've never felt
16:35
Speaker 1: this way with anyone before, this is the best date
16:37
Speaker 1: I've ever had, you are so beautiful, etc.
16:40
Speaker 2: Etc.
16:41
Speaker 1: It's nice to hear these things at the time, but
16:43
Speaker 1: then after the date or when I'm back alone, I
16:46
Speaker 1: find myself starting to fixate, obsessed, become anxious, spiral, and
16:49
Speaker 1: inevitably start catastrophizing over them. The verbal validation and words
16:53
Speaker 1: of affirmation seems to flick some sort of switch in
16:56
Speaker 1: my head. I can't really place why or know how
16:58
Speaker 1: to stop it from consuming, because overall it's nice having
17:02
Speaker 1: a deep connection with people, but not when it makes
17:04
Speaker 1: me anxious for days, weeks, or months. So my question
17:08
Speaker 1: is how do I stop this unhealthy attachment to people
17:10
Speaker 1: when they are so verbally expressive. Okay, I feel like
17:14
Speaker 1: we unintentionally like attract these kinds of people. And when
17:20
Speaker 1: I say attract these kinds of people, it's you always
17:23
Speaker 1: gravitate to people that are fulfilling some sort of need
17:26
Speaker 1: in your life. So if someone's going to be that,
17:29
Speaker 1: you know how sometimes like I've got friends as well
17:31
Speaker 1: who's similar to what you're experiencing, that they will find
17:35
Speaker 1: a friend it will be like insane chemistry, insane closeness,
17:41
Speaker 1: like next level more so than even a romantic partners
17:44
Speaker 1: say rah, and then it's it fizzles away, and then
17:48
Speaker 1: they find another friend it's just trys it are, and
17:50
Speaker 1: then it fizzles away, and all their connections are this
17:53
Speaker 1: like intensity to the extent where I've even had certain
17:58
Speaker 1: things with people like that, but I'm just not as intense,
18:01
Speaker 1: so it hasn't like manifested the way that I've also
18:05
Speaker 1: witnessed their other friendships fold out like unfold.
18:08
Speaker 2: Or whatever the world is. But it's kind of like
18:11
Speaker 2: we gravitate to what to our needs.
18:13
Speaker 1: You said, I seem to attract people who are very
18:16
Speaker 1: open and expressive with their emotions. So there's something about
18:21
Speaker 1: you and something about that person. Whether it's not like
18:23
Speaker 1: it's obviously not an obvious thing, but you're you know,
18:26
Speaker 1: you find that you lean in more.
18:28
Speaker 2: So it feels like you're attracting this.
18:30
Speaker 1: But you probably find this interaction and think, well, that's
18:33
Speaker 1: worth pursuing, and then you dive deep. Maybe you are
18:36
Speaker 1: having interactions with other people, but they're a lot more well,
18:40
Speaker 1: just a lot less intense, a lot like they take
18:43
Speaker 1: it way more child way more so, so you probably think, oh, well,
18:45
Speaker 1: that's not a connection there, so I'm going to dismiss it.
18:47
Speaker 1: So it's probably a bit of both where yes, it's
18:50
Speaker 1: coming from them, but it's also coming from you, all right,
18:53
Speaker 1: because I can guarantee you when it's not coming from you,
18:55
Speaker 1: these people aren't flooding you, flooding into your life, like
19:00
Speaker 1: really getting intense whatever. It's a this is a two
19:03
Speaker 1: way street. This kind of relationship, this intensity, right, and
19:06
Speaker 1: this level of intensity, especially when it's like a first date.
19:10
Speaker 2: It's kind of like almost like.
19:12
Speaker 1: Limereents on both ends with the first date situation where
19:16
Speaker 1: they start giving you all these crazy compliments. I've never
19:18
Speaker 1: had this connection. It's like you fall in love. It's
19:21
Speaker 1: kind of like limereents but not. But it's just you're
19:23
Speaker 1: falling in love with the idea of what could be
19:25
Speaker 1: with this person. Like when you say i've never had
19:28
Speaker 1: this connection before this that of whatever. It's very dramatic language,
19:33
Speaker 1: it's very very intense. It feels good to receive it,
19:36
Speaker 1: but realistically you've got to be like, yeah, that's all
19:40
Speaker 1: well and good, but we've met once, like you don't actually,
19:42
Speaker 1: this is not an actual connection. This is chemistry, but
19:46
Speaker 1: you can't really deeply connect with somebody until you start
19:50
Speaker 1: to know that person. What you have on the first
19:54
Speaker 1: date is chemistry. That's where it's like great conversation, you click,
19:58
Speaker 1: everything's firing, and to connect is longevity. So if that
20:03
Speaker 1: chemistry has longevity, that's a deep connection. But you can't
20:07
Speaker 1: form a deep connection after one date. And someone can
20:09
Speaker 1: flatter you all they want with their language, but you
20:12
Speaker 1: have to get very clear on what a proper connection is,
20:15
Speaker 1: what that looks like, and what it means to you
20:17
Speaker 1: and what it represents.
20:18
Speaker 2: In your life.
20:19
Speaker 1: Because a real deep connection shouldn't be this fleeting fire
20:25
Speaker 1: and then ice. It should be able to like a
20:28
Speaker 1: slow bone that can sustain itself. It should be like,
20:31
Speaker 1: what does the connection look like other than this like
20:33
Speaker 1: really intense language. What else does connection mean to you?
20:37
Speaker 1: What behaviors is this person displaying? And I'm talking about
20:39
Speaker 1: friends as well. I'm not just talking about romantically, but
20:42
Speaker 1: what does their character look like? How do we get
20:44
Speaker 1: to know each other? How are they there for me
20:46
Speaker 1: in the boring times? Can we spend boring times together?
20:48
Speaker 1: Can we do the mundane things together? Can we you know,
20:50
Speaker 1: because a real solid relationship are the ones where you
20:54
Speaker 1: can do fun things, boring things, sad things, difficult things,
20:58
Speaker 1: easy things, all of them, and you can kind of
21:02
Speaker 1: sail through all these like peaks and valleys together as friends.
21:06
Speaker 2: You can be there for them, they can be there
21:07
Speaker 2: for you.
21:08
Speaker 1: It's not necessarily this like crazy chemistry, because that level
21:11
Speaker 1: of chemistry does not exist long term. You can have
21:16
Speaker 1: romantic chemistry with someone for the rest of your life,
21:18
Speaker 1: but that crazy.
21:19
Speaker 2: Like sparks on fire and I'm sparks. It's not twenty
21:22
Speaker 2: four seven. It never is. So you've got to be like,
21:24
Speaker 2: what actually.
21:26
Speaker 1: Is a real connection for me on a deeper level, Okay,
21:29
Speaker 1: because it's very easy to get carried away with people's
21:32
Speaker 1: language and this limereents and this obsession of what could
21:35
Speaker 1: be and then this verbal like oh my god, I'm
21:38
Speaker 1: feeling like I'm getting everything that I need, so I'm
21:41
Speaker 1: addicted to it and I can't wait to see them
21:43
Speaker 1: again or I can't wait them to message me again.
21:44
Speaker 1: And then, like you said, you then obsess over it
21:47
Speaker 1: and then obviously it's not working out, so then you're
21:49
Speaker 1: getting anxious for days, weeks, some months because it's not
21:51
Speaker 1: going their way.
21:52
Speaker 2: You want it to go.
21:53
Speaker 1: So instead you've got to be like, I've got to
21:55
Speaker 1: look at other things that are going to that I
21:57
Speaker 1: can find value in where it's not going to cause
21:59
Speaker 1: this addiction to feeling validation from what they're saying. So
22:03
Speaker 1: what's happening is limerens where you are addicted to the validation. Okay,
22:09
Speaker 1: you get an inch and you're like, oh my god,
22:12
Speaker 1: it means this. You get one crime, Oh my god,
22:14
Speaker 1: it means this. You have one good date. Oh my god,
22:18
Speaker 1: they're the person for me.
22:19
Speaker 2: This is it.
22:19
Speaker 1: I've never felt this connection. They've never felt this connection.
22:22
Speaker 1: It's crazy, but in reality, do you actually know this person?
22:25
Speaker 2: So you've got to basically go listen to my episode
22:27
Speaker 2: on Limerens.
22:28
Speaker 1: But you've basically got to talk to yourself. Talk yourself
22:32
Speaker 1: down every time you have an interaction with this person.
22:34
Speaker 1: Say actions will always speak loud in than words. I
22:38
Speaker 1: need to base my relationships off actions. Okay, I need
22:42
Speaker 1: to base my relationships off the constant.
22:45
Speaker 2: It's fine to have a great date.
22:47
Speaker 1: It's fine for someone to say all these compliments, but
22:50
Speaker 1: I can't be basing things off what they've said in
22:53
Speaker 1: the first date. I can't be thinking, oh my god,
22:56
Speaker 1: they've said they've never had.
22:57
Speaker 2: A connection like this.
22:57
Speaker 1: Again, they probably have said that to many other dates,
23:00
Speaker 1: and it's okay to say that to many other dates.
23:02
Speaker 2: But you can't be banking your whole life on that.
23:05
Speaker 1: Okay, You've got to be like, I need to be
23:07
Speaker 1: the person that when I feel I need to take
23:10
Speaker 1: it easy in a relationship, I can take it easy.
23:12
Speaker 1: I need to the person that's providing my own validation
23:15
Speaker 1: for myself, that's providing my own emotional stability, my own
23:19
Speaker 1: emotional security that when some cyclone comes into my life
23:24
Speaker 1: with crazy heightened emotions, I can kind of look at
23:26
Speaker 1: it being like, oh, that's interesting. I'm just going to
23:28
Speaker 1: get to know you this cyclone. I'm not going to
23:30
Speaker 1: get inside the cyclone can get wrapped up in it
23:33
Speaker 1: and then end up a ball of anxious emotions after
23:35
Speaker 1: the fact. Okay, you've got to be this settled rock,
23:39
Speaker 1: your own rock, and you do that through emotional awareness.
23:43
Speaker 1: You do that through understanding where you get your validation
23:46
Speaker 1: from what a real actual connection means. You've got to
23:48
Speaker 1: look at all your relationships and get it. Do a
23:50
Speaker 1: bit of an inventory on all your relationships and which
23:52
Speaker 1: are the ones that make you feel safe versus pure
23:56
Speaker 1: excitement and anxiety.
23:58
Speaker 2: They're very, very different.
23:59
Speaker 1: And I can tell you the ones with longevity are
24:00
Speaker 1: the ones where you feel safe, where you feel emotionally secure,
24:04
Speaker 1: where you feel comfortable in your own skin around them
24:08
Speaker 1: at all times. That those are the relationships you gravitate to.
24:12
Speaker 1: The ones that equal anxiety, you need to be pulling
24:15
Speaker 1: away from these relationships. No relationship should be making you
24:19
Speaker 1: feel anxious. Okay, ever, that's just not good friends, romantically whatever. Yeah, Okay,
24:26
Speaker 1: the first state you're gonna be nervous, that's fine. Nervous, fine,
24:28
Speaker 1: But if you start being like, oh my god, oh
24:30
Speaker 1: my god, the moment they're not messaging you, the moment
24:33
Speaker 1: you're this, the moment you're that, then you have to
24:34
Speaker 1: really think, if I'm not anxiously attached, then what is it?
24:39
Speaker 2: Why am I feeling this way? Is it limereents? Listen
24:42
Speaker 2: to my episode on an anxious attachment, by the way, So.
24:44
Speaker 1: You've got all these things that could be causing it,
24:46
Speaker 1: but you should never be feeding a relationship that cause
24:49
Speaker 1: you severe anxiety because often the relationships unless you have
24:53
Speaker 1: anxious attachment, which it's a whole nother thing. But the
24:57
Speaker 1: ones where you're getting anxiety within the relationship is often
24:59
Speaker 1: because as a push pull, there's no consistency and you
25:02
Speaker 1: feel that you don't actually have them. They're not actually available,
25:05
Speaker 1: they're never really there for you. So the reason you
25:07
Speaker 1: get anxiety is because you know that they're never there
25:10
Speaker 1: for you, and you're expecting their behavior, and because you
25:14
Speaker 1: know their behavior, you're expecting it and then you get
25:17
Speaker 1: it and it makes you feel anxious. And then they
25:19
Speaker 1: reassure you because then they drip feed you one sentence,
25:22
Speaker 1: one statement, one thing, and then it comes flooding back.
25:25
Speaker 1: You feel reassured. It's addictive, it feels so fucking good,
25:28
Speaker 1: and then the cycle repeats itself. Versus the relationships that
25:31
Speaker 1: are nowhere near as a roller coaster, it's because someone's available.
25:35
Speaker 1: The relationships that start off as quite unquote a little
25:38
Speaker 1: bit less exciting, bit boring, it's because they're available. It's
25:40
Speaker 1: because you feel calm. It's because there's no anxiety. This
25:44
Speaker 1: person's a fucking g and they're just there for you
25:46
Speaker 1: and they're like, yeah, I'm interested, I want to see you.
25:49
Speaker 2: Let's chat. Oh you can't meet up tonight. In a
25:51
Speaker 2: problem what about tomorrow? Or you know, they're just healthy, normal,
25:54
Speaker 2: relaxed people.
25:54
Speaker 1: And so then you think, well, this isn't exciting as
25:57
Speaker 1: you know, this crazy limerent thing that I experienced before.
25:59
Speaker 2: It mustn't be like it mustn't be a real friendship.
26:01
Speaker 2: It mustn't be this.
26:02
Speaker 1: The real relationships take time. They take time, and they
26:07
Speaker 1: build with friends as well. You know, they're not necessarily
26:10
Speaker 1: they might be, but they're not necessarily this.
26:12
Speaker 2: Like bang flame, instant love forever.
26:15
Speaker 1: Often those friendships as well fizzle out, and then you feel,
26:19
Speaker 1: of course, you're going to feel jealous when they're with
26:20
Speaker 1: other people because you're like, well, the connection that we had.
26:23
Speaker 2: A they having that connection with other people. Like you said, you.
26:25
Speaker 1: Start to think, well, you know, I know that she
26:27
Speaker 1: says this not just to me, but to other people.
26:29
Speaker 2: So now you're in your head.
26:31
Speaker 1: But if you have a slow burner for friendship, you're
26:34
Speaker 1: going to acknowledge that it's normal for them to have
26:36
Speaker 1: many close friendships. Like live my best friend, she has
26:39
Speaker 1: many close friendships. She hangs out with friends without me
26:42
Speaker 1: all the time, and I love that for her.
26:45
Speaker 2: I want that for her.
26:46
Speaker 1: It's really nice, and I feel the same way and
26:48
Speaker 1: then we introduce each other to our friends and it's
26:50
Speaker 1: very but.
26:50
Speaker 2: That's a slow burn friendship. It's been like fifteen years.
26:53
Speaker 1: And when we first started being friends, yeah we loved
26:55
Speaker 1: each other, but no way near as close as we
26:57
Speaker 1: are now. So you've got to look at every relationship.
27:00
Speaker 1: It's like, how can I sustain it? And do I
27:02
Speaker 1: feel calm? I know I've gone on for a long time,
27:06
Speaker 1: a long time, But hopefully that gave you a bit
27:08
Speaker 1: of an idea of what you want to be looking
27:10
Speaker 1: for in a relationship. But listen to my episode on limeerents.
27:13
Speaker 1: Listen to my episode on attachment theory and on anxious
27:16
Speaker 1: attachment as well, and that will hopefully maybe give you
27:20
Speaker 1: some indicators. Obviously, when you guys write in, I take
27:22
Speaker 1: a lot of liberties in presuming a lot just because
27:26
Speaker 1: I only get like a couple of paragraphs of insight.
27:30
Speaker 2: So I try and be as I try to be
27:31
Speaker 2: as broad as.
27:31
Speaker 1: Possible, because it's like, it could be this, it could
27:33
Speaker 1: be that, it could be that, So don't take everything
27:35
Speaker 1: as like it's definitely this. I'm just trying to factor
27:37
Speaker 1: for as many possibilities in your scenario as I can,
27:42
Speaker 1: so hopefully that helped listen to all the other episodes.
27:45
Speaker 1: But what you want to be leaning into is like
27:48
Speaker 1: secure slow burn relationships where you're not seeking the validation
27:53
Speaker 1: from that person. Otherwise that's going to just continue this
27:55
Speaker 1: vicious cycle and you're going to keep feeling like you
27:57
Speaker 1: gravitate to and attract these kinds of relationships. As always, everyone,
28:03
Speaker 1: thank you so much for sending in your questions. I
28:05
Speaker 1: love receiving your questions. You guys are fucking amazing. Love
28:08
Speaker 1: your so much. That is all for today. As always,
28:11
Speaker 1: remember becond to.
28:12
Speaker 2: Yourself, becont to your brain.
28:13
Speaker 1: Don't text shit from anyone, and especially don't text shit
28:16
Speaker 1: from yourself.
28:17
Speaker 2: Don't you