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PNW Cryptid Dating Game! · PNW Haunts & Homicides

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As indie podcasters, we love to show our support of other awesome shows.
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So stay tuned for the promo we've got to share with you this week.
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Let's show them some love you can find their info in our show notes.
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I can't possibly tell you all the crazy things that happen in the new True Crime podcast
1:19
that in the water in 30 seconds.
1:21
But what I can tell you is that it's about a well to do Australian woman who met and fell
1:26
in love with a mysterious man who had a beautiful yacht and planned to marry him and spend the
1:31
rest of their days sailing around the world together.
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What actually happened was serial infidelity, loss of more than a million dollars and attempted
1:39
murder.
1:40
The series is narrated by Tony Dalton of AMC's Better Call Saul.
1:43
You can find dead in the water by going to deadinthewaterpodcast.com or just search dead in the water
1:49
from Voyage Media.
1:50
Anyway, listen to podcasts.
1:54
You guys were back.
1:56
And don't worry, we did get more wine.
1:58
Well, of course.
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[MUSIC]
2:09
[MUSIC]
2:19
[MUSIC]
2:29
[MUSIC]
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[MUSIC]
2:43
Hi, Caitlyn.
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Hi, Cassie.
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Hi, creepy people.
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It's me and Caitlyn.
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But also me, I'm back.
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Yay.
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I have an episode for you guys because Caitlyn just tried to hog up two episodes.
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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We all know how we feel about Caitlyn's episodes.
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It's some real Leo energy up in here.
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No, we love her.
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She does good work, but it's time for a break because, oh, this is PNW Haunts and Homicides.
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Oh, shit, yeah.
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Sorry, guys.
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[MUSIC]
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In case you didn't know, PNW stands for Pacific Northwest.
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So we primarily cover cases based in the Pacific Northwest.
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Yeah.
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In case you didn't know.
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Now you know.
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Now you know.
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The more you know.
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But it's time for a little fun.
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Because it's Valentine's Day.
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[MUSIC]
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[MUSIC]
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Even if you don't celebrate it, I think you're going to really enjoy this episode.
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It is a little theme-y, but it's fun.
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I'm on board.
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She was so on board.
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She was on board as soon.
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The moment I mentioned it, she was like, yes, doing it.
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I really, really, really got on board.
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She did.
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She had all these crazy ideas that just weren't going to work out.
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That's maybe next time I play life.
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She lit the fire under my butt and I wouldn't did a thing.
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So we're going to have some fun today.
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This is all make-believe.
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This is all fun and games.
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This isn't real.
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Just so everyone's clear.
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>> It's real.
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>> And I'll probably say it again later on when you'll know what I'm talking about.
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>> You do.
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It's real.
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>> I wouldn't say that.
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[LAUGH]
4:39
So today we're going to play a little game.
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We're going to play a little dating game.
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Like, okay, a dating game.
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>> Not like a-
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>> Would you like to play a game?
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>> No, not like a saw game.
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It's not a scary episode.
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>> Okay.
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>> But we are going to play a little dating game.
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Unfortunately, we didn't really know any single people.
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So we're just going to sub in Caitlyn.
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>> Okay.
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>> Disclaimer.
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Caitlyn is not single.
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>> [LAUGH]
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>> Like at all, period.
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End of story.
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We're just having fun.
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So please, no one's sliding to her DMs.
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>> [LAUGH]
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>> And Chris, don't hate me.
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>> [LAUGH]
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>> Look at that.
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She's super protective of me.
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>> Just looking out, you know?
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I don't want anyone to get too excited that you're on the market.
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>> Yeah.
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I'm sure they're clamoring at all of the places.
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>> We had some people clamoring.
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>> Oh boy.
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>> Yeah. >> Wait, this is news to me.
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>> I don't know if I'll call them people, but we'll get into it.
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>> Oh boy.
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Okay.
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So we're not just going to play any boring old dating game that you've seen before.
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We're going to play a PNW cryptid dating game.
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>> Yeah.
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Don't act surprised, you already knew.
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>> Well, I was a little bit unsure as to whether or not it was going to happen.
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>> It's happening, baby.
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>> Happy Valentine's Day.
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>> [LAUGH]
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>> I'm just stealing my life.
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>> You're going to get so fun.
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>> I'm getting so happy at the end, I promise.
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>> Well, I shouldn't say you're getting a happy ending.
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That might sound wrong, but anyway.
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[LAUGH]
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So the definition of cryptid in case anyone doesn't know is an animal,
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such as Sasquatch or the Loch Ness monster that has been claimed to exist,
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but never proven to exist.
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>> Okay.
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>> Okay.
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So just so we're all clear what the definition of cryptid is.
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Just keep that rattling around back there.
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>> Mm-hm.
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[MUSIC]
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>> Welcome to PNW cryptid dating game, Caitlyn, come on down.
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[MUSIC]
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>> How was that for my game announcer voice?
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>> I love it.
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>> You're channeling some Bob Barker.
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>> Something.
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>> Caitlyn's something, I will not do that the whole time I promised, but
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maybe one more time.
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Caitlyn is a fun, sassy, sexy single looking for her perfect cryptid match.
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>> Ooh.
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>> Okay, that I'm done.
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That was it.
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>> I liked it.
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>> So I'm not going to tell Caitlyn or anyone who the elusive bachelors are.
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So we're going to have three rounds and we will get to know our four elusive bachelors.
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>> Ooh.
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>> Let me tell you, tracking these guys down for questioning was not easy.
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But once I started a float, Caitlyn's photo around, I had them.
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[LAUGH]
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>> It's the one on the fridge, you know what I'm talking about.
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>> I was going to say how old is this photo?
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[LAUGH]
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>> And at the end, Caitlyn will pick which one she thinks would fit her best.
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>> Who am I curious?
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>> Yeah, who are cryptid mans?
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>> Match man's is.
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[LAUGH]
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>> Again, this is all make believe.
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Okay.
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>> I mean, it's real.
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>> You're going to have a cryptid in your bed, watch out, Chris.
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[LAUGH]
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>> So we'll still do the tarot read at the end and it will be for whoever she picks what his intentions are with her.
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>> With my daughter.
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>> With my daughter.
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With my adult daughter.
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>> So that's how we'll do that.
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>> Okay, so I get a little bit of a reading on this love man.
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>> Yeah, exactly.
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>> Okay. >> Are you excited?
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>> I'm so excited.
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>> I'm so excited.
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>> Okay.
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>> Round one.
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Here we go.
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[MUSIC]
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>> Each bachelor answered seven identical questions and one random question to keep things interesting.
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>> Ooh.
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>> All of the questions and things I'm going to talk about in the rounds are all clues to who these cryptids might be.
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>> That makes sense.
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>> Okay.
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>> Okay.
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>> So bachelor number one, first question.
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What is your biggest insecurity?
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And he says kissing can be quite a challenge.
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>> Oh.
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>> Okay.
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>> Yeah.
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>> Not really sure what that means, but me either.
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>> Take that how you want.
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>> Okay.
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>> Question number two, what is your favorite color?
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And he says black, which I say same.
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>> Okay.
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>> Yeah. >> I say same.
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>> A landable.
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>> I just have this debate with somebody the other day because they were asking me my favorite color and I couldn't pick.
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So I just say black because that's like all the colors together, right?
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>> Oh, that's very true.
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>> Yeah.
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>> Okay.
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>> That's a thinker.
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>> Maybe we have something in common.
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Maybe I should be on the stating again.
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>> I know.
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>> Come on.
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>> Question number three, what is your biggest fear?
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He says fire.
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>> Okay.
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>> Ooh.
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>> Okay.
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>> I mean, I'm not sure that we're compatible then in that way.
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>> That's true.
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>> That's true.
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>> Okay.
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>> The fourth question's a fun one.
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What is your favorite sexual position?
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>> Who says missionary?
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>> Okay.
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>> Okay.
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>> Love vanilla.
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>> Love vanilla, but that's okay.
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>> Yeah.
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>> All right.
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>> You do you.
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Question number five, what is your ideal date?
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He says abafe.
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It's the easiest way to keep him a cheap date because he has a rather large appetite.
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>> Okay.
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>> So does that mean he assumes that you're paying?
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>> I maybe.
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It sounds like that's a possibility.
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>> It's calling himself a cheap date.
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>> Yeah.
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>> Uh-huh.
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>> Listen, call yourself whatever you want.
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Don't call me a cheap date.
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>> Yeah.
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>> How do you feel about the phase?
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>> Yeah.
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I mean, I feel like I have a lot of thoughts and feelings on, I mean, how much time do we have?
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Probably not that much.
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>> Not that much.
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>> Okay.
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>> Okay.
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>> I'm surprised you're not taking notes on these guys.
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>> Well, I thought about it, but then I was like, is that cheating?
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>> I don't think it's cheating.
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>> Okay.
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>> I mean, if you really want to.
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>> I mean, I'm going to.
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>> She's taking notes.
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>> Oh, no.
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>> I don't want to fight.
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Where's the notebook?
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>> Okay.
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>> Hold on.
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>> Continue.
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Question number six, what is your best quality?
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Oh, you might like this one, Caitlyn.
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He says, protective like a bodyguard.
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>> Okay.
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Okay.
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So that sounds pretty good.
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That might make up for some other things.
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>> I mean, it would have to.
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It would have to.
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>> Okay.
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Question number seven, what stimulates your serotonin?
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>> Ooh.
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>> He says, oversized fluffy sweaters.
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>> Oh, but it's so pure.
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>> Okay.
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>> All right.
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>> And question number eight is kind of the rotating random question.
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It is, what is your favorite scent?
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And he says, burnt trees.
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>> Huh.
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>> Do you have any guesses on who this is?
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>> No.
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No, I don't.
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Actually.
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>> I didn't think so.
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>> All right.
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Are you ready for Bachelor number two?
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>> Yes.
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>> I think.
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>> You are.
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>> Okay.
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Question number one, what is your biggest insecurity?
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Bachelor number two says that people think he's a myth.
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>> Okay.
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>> I'm sure that's pretty common amongst the cryptid society, you know?
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>> Yeah.
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>> Okay.
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>> Question number two, what is your favorite color?
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She says anything shiny.
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>> Okay.
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>> I mean, same.
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>> Who does he think he is?
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The crab from Moana.
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>> Shiny.
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>> Shiny.
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>> Question number three, what is your biggest fear?
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And he says salt.
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>> Salt.
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>> Okay.
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>> Which, that's kind of interesting.
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>> Huh.
13:05
>> Okay.
13:06
>> Huh.
13:07
>> Huh.
13:08
>> Huh.
13:09
>> Huh.
13:10
>> Huh.
13:11
>> Number four, the good question.
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>> What is your favorite sexual position?
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He says the submarine, which I don't encourage anyone to Google.
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Question number five, what is your ideal date?
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He says a day on the lake.
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>> Uh-huh.
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>> Yeah.
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>> Sweet.
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>> Okay.
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>> Are there submarines in this lake?
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>> You know, here's the thing.
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This guy's clearly got a thing with water.
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>> Clearly.
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>> Okay.
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>> Question number six, what is your best quality?
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He says, I'm a strong swimmer.
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>> Uh-huh.
13:48
>> Yeah.
13:49
>> Okay.
13:50
>> All right.
13:51
>> So I think you nailed the water, the water part.
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>> Yeah.
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>> Question number seven, what stimulates your serotonin?
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He says small animals.
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>> Oh.
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>> See, he's got some good qualities.
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>> But I feel like I want to know why.
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>> Well, he goes on to say they feel so good.
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They smell so good and they, okay, well, things get weird here and I think we're just going
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to smell it on.
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>> That's what I thought.
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>> Okay.
14:21
>> The small animals.
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Okay.
14:23
Question number eight, what is your biggest pet peeve?
14:25
He says when someone is immortalized for no reason and has nothing of value to offer
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in return, wow.
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I feel like we hit a nerve.
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>> Okay.
14:36
>> Yeah.
14:37
>> Someone is sensitive.
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>> Yeah, that's a real, um.
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>> How do I put this nicely?
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Oh, wait, I don't care.
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That's a real in-sell vibe.
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>> Yeah.
14:47
>> I feel like.
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>> Interesting.
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>> Yeah.
14:50
Okay.
14:51
>> Are you ready to move on to Bachelor number three?
14:53
>> I mean, we probably should.
14:57
>> Question number one, what is your biggest insecurity?
15:00
He says people often mistake him for someone else.
15:04
>> Oh.
15:05
>> Well, you know what happens to the best of us?
15:10
Question number two, what is your favorite color?
15:12
He says blue.
15:13
>> Okay.
15:14
>> Oh, like that.
15:15
>> Oh, like blue.
15:17
>> What's your favorite color, Caitlyn?
15:20
>> I think probably gray or black.
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>> Okay.
15:23
>> Or rose gold.
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>> Yeah.
15:25
>> Or rose gold.
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>> See, it's hard to choose.
15:27
>> Yeah.
15:28
I can't choose.
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>> I don't know.
15:31
Question number three, what is your biggest fear?
15:33
He says bright lights and crowds.
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>> I mean, same.
15:37
>> And I say preach.
15:38
>> Same.
15:39
>> Question number four, what is your favorite sexual position?
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Are we ready for this one?
15:44
>> I mean, probably not, but let's do it.
15:46
>> He says anything on the inversion table, baby.
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>> I don't really know what to put in my notes here.
15:53
>> He likes to be upside down.
15:55
>> Okay.
15:56
>> So, I don't think that that's that kinky.
15:59
That's no submarine.
16:00
>> Let me tell you.
16:02
>> That's not a kink.
16:03
>> That's great.
16:04
>> That's great.
16:05
>> Against humanity.
16:07
>> Yeah.
16:08
>> Question number five, what is your ideal date?
16:11
He says flying out of town for dinner.
16:14
>> Okay.
16:15
>> Okay, Christian Grey.
16:16
>> Right.
16:17
>> Maybe he has a little kinking.
16:22
>> Question number six, what is your best quality?
16:24
He says his eyes.
16:26
They're big and bright.
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You could even say they glow.
16:31
>> Okay.
16:32
Interesting.
16:33
>> Interesting.
16:34
>> Sounds nice though.
16:35
Big bright glowing eyes.
16:37
>> You could be quite striking.
16:40
The way you say that, I feel like that's pointed.
16:43
>> I'm not saying it any, I have no biased towards any of these bachelors.
16:50
>> Uh-huh.
16:51
>> Okay.
16:52
>> I'm just reading their questions.
16:53
>> Okay.
16:54
>> They answered them.
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They made them up, not me.
16:58
Question number seven, what stimulates your serotonin?
17:04
He said some rad 80s vibes.
17:07
>> I like this guy.
17:09
>> Okay.
17:10
>> Well, I'm a little biased.
17:11
>> I'm a little biased.
17:12
>> I'm a little biased.
17:13
>> I'm a little biased.
17:14
>> Yeah, maybe I can get his number if you don't pick him.
17:16
>> Okay.
17:17
Question number eight, are you a knight owl or an early bird?
17:21
>> Hmm.
17:22
>> He says neither.
17:23
But I do prefer the knight.
17:26
>> Okay, so.
17:28
[laughs]
17:30
>> So like tell me you don't know how to answer questions without telling me.
17:38
>> I mean, maybe there's something in there.
17:40
Maybe it's some sort of clue.
17:41
>> Yeah, that's what I gather, but I gathered very little.
17:46
>> I don't know.
17:47
>> Let's move on to Bachelor number four.
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Our final bachelors.
17:53
Question number one, what is your biggest insecurity?
17:55
He says nothing.
17:56
>> Okay.
17:57
>> I see you.
17:58
>> We're off to an interesting start.
17:59
>> Okay.
18:00
>> All right.
18:01
Question number two, what is your favorite color?
18:03
He says orange.
18:04
>> It's a nice color.
18:06
I like orange.
18:07
>> I'm getting a real fuck boy vibe here.
18:11
Question number three, what is your biggest fear?
18:14
He says becoming irrelevant.
18:16
>> Okay.
18:17
>> Yeah.
18:18
>> I stand by my previous statement.
18:21
>> Ready for question number four.
18:23
>> I mean, sure.
18:24
>> What is your favorite sexual position?
18:27
He says cowgirl.
18:28
>> Uh-huh.
18:29
>> Yeah.
18:30
>> Called that one.
18:31
>> Okay.
18:32
Question number five, what is your ideal date?
18:35
He says something adventurous like white water rafting.
18:39
Huh.
18:40
Okay.
18:41
Question number six, what is your best quality?
18:44
He says there's a beer named after me.
18:48
I don't know if that's your quality, bro.
18:51
But okay.
18:52
>> Okay.
18:53
>> Okay.
18:54
Question number seven, what stimulates your serotonin?
18:59
He says ultra long scarves.
19:01
>> Okay.
19:02
>> Okay.
19:03
>> Okay.
19:04
>> Listen, I'm really trying to take detailed notes.
19:11
>> This is, I mean, there's a lot of clues.
19:16
>> Honestly, this feels like higher stakes than even our last election.
19:21
>> It might be.
19:22
>> Yeah.
19:23
>> This is a very important choice.
19:25
Ready for the last question?
19:27
>> Okay.
19:28
>> If asked on a date to a wedding, do you choose the chicken or the fish?
19:34
He says fish all day.
19:36
>> Oh, man.
19:37
Okay.
19:38
I'm surprised he didn't say fish, foe show.
19:43
>> Okay.
19:44
>> Okay.
19:45
So we've reached round number two.
19:49
>> Okay.
19:50
>> So we're going to get to know a little bit about each of our four bachelors from the
19:54
perspective of someone who has been close to them.
19:58
Bachelor number one.
20:00
You ready?
20:03
I had a very, very lovely talk with bachelor number one's mom.
20:08
She couldn't figure out how to use the email, so she had me talk to her on the phone and
20:12
just like relay the message.
20:15
So she says, my boo boo has an explosive personality.
20:21
>> It's just funny because we were talking about boo boo earlier.
20:26
You don't even know bachelor number one's mom.
20:29
So.
20:30
>> That's correct.
20:31
I do not.
20:32
>> The boo boo theme is just natural.
20:34
Okay.
20:35
She goes on to say, he's going to hate me that I called him boo boo in front of everybody,
20:39
especially a pretty woman like Caitlyn.
20:42
>> Uh-oh.
20:43
>> Anyway, I think he could really use a lady in his life.
20:48
I always try to get him to stand up of the moisturizing, but he just doesn't seem to listen
20:54
to me.
20:56
She rambled.
20:57
Y'all, let me tell you.
20:59
She goes on to say, I think if he had a nice lady around to help him lotion his hard
21:04
to reach areas, you know, I think he would just be a little bit happier.
21:09
Okay.
21:10
>> Okay.
21:11
So he's got some dry skin issues or something.
21:14
Okay.
21:16
And of course to help him keep up with trimming those unruly eyebrows.
21:21
Call your mother, boo boo.
21:24
>> Oh boy.
21:26
>> Interesting.
21:27
I don't think that helps bachelor number one's chances at all.
21:31
>> You know?
21:32
>> No, not really.
21:33
>> But if you want his mom's number, she's so nice.
21:36
>> Yeah.
21:37
>> Bachelor number two.
21:40
This is from his ex girlfriend.
21:43
She DMed us.
21:44
>> Oh.
21:45
So she said, "Augie was sweet, but it just didn't work out."
21:48
He had this weird obsession with the Loch Ness Monster.
21:52
It was like he was jealous that Nessie got more attention.
21:55
Okay.
21:56
So now I feel like the nerve that we poked earlier might be a little more sense.
22:02
>> Yeah.
22:03
>> She said Nessie had more books, movies, news stories, podcast episodes, and merch.
22:08
So much merch.
22:11
Plus there was that incident with my Chihuahua.
22:15
>> Okay.
22:17
Interesting.
22:18
>> What happened here?
22:19
>> Not a dog.
22:20
>> Not a dog per se?
22:21
>> I don't know.
22:22
He really liked the small animals.
22:26
>> Like probably as a snack, like a little appetizer?
22:31
>> I don't know.
22:33
>> I guess we'll find out.
22:35
Okay.
22:36
Bachelor number three.
22:39
Sadly, Bachelor number three doesn't have any close friends or family.
22:43
So there was no one to reach out to.
22:46
>> Great.
22:47
>> That's sort of a clue on his personality as well.
22:50
So, Bachelor number four, your favorite.
22:54
This came via text message from his childhood best friend.
23:00
I'm going to read the text messages as they came in.
23:05
They were all separate.
23:07
There's typos.
23:08
>> Oh great.
23:09
>> Perfect.
23:10
>> Off to a great start.
23:14
The first text, CC was my BFF growing up the up arrow.
23:19
>> Oh great.
23:21
Okay.
23:22
Next, we use two.
23:24
The number two.
23:25
Hang out Al he tim.
23:29
Which, oh, okay.
23:31
He says duck you auto correct.
23:33
Hangout all the time.
23:35
Astrid.
23:36
>> Okay.
23:37
>> Great.
23:40
>> Next text message.
23:42
But FYI, they named some sort of hipster (with no “e"), beer emoji after him.
23:49
Okay.
23:50
>> Oh, huh.
23:52
Yeah, it seems like we've heard about that before.
23:55
>> Interesting.
23:56
>> Yeah.
23:57
That's a theme.
23:58
Okay.
23:59
Now he thinks he's too good for everyone.
24:02
IMO.
24:03
And a bunch of exclamation points.
24:06
That is, that's tough.
24:09
He keeps going.
24:11
>> SMHWTF is up again, the up arrow.
24:15
Whit that in an angry face.
24:18
>> Yeah, that feels like a lot.
24:20
It feels like a lot.
24:22
>> And then again, but IDC, which means I don't care, I think.
24:26
>> Yeah.
24:27
>> I know and oh.
24:29
Deep with a lot of ease.
24:32
>> That's a lot.
24:33
>> I know deep down, like 180 feet down.
24:37
Every TBT, let's throw back Thursday.
24:40
He thinks of doing corkscrews in the Columbia with me.
24:44
>> Oh.
24:46
>> So this guy seems sweet in the end.
24:48
Maybe you should get his number.
24:50
>> Yeah, we'll see.
24:52
>> Okay.
24:53
>> Sound like there was some clues in there though.
24:55
>> I mean, I would think so, but.
24:59
>> Well, are you ready for round number three?
25:05
Because I think you're going to really like it.
25:08
>> Okay.
25:09
>> Yeah.
25:10
>> Okay.
25:11
I hope so.
25:12
>> So each one of the bachelors gave me a little something to give to you.
25:15
>> Oh boy.
25:17
>> Okay.
25:18
So this first gift is from bacheloring number one.
25:21
>> Oh, it's so cute.
25:22
>> Okay, let's see what's in here.
25:25
>> Chocolate.
25:26
>> Oh.
25:29
>> Sorry.
25:30
I got hungry, but I heard you didn't even like chocolate.
25:35
>> Okay.
25:36
So, I mean, you know, it's empty, but.
25:41
>> He did wrap it.
25:42
>> He did.
25:43
Yeah.
25:44
I mean, the thought is the thought that you're counting.
25:46
>> He's your count.
25:47
>> Okay.
25:48
>> Okay.
25:49
This is from bacheloring number two.
25:51
>> Okay.
25:52
>> All right.
25:54
>> Oh, is there.
25:55
>> Okay.
25:56
Let's see.
25:57
All right.
25:58
Oh boy.
25:59
>> Oh.
26:00
>> Oh.
26:01
>> It's too blurry.
26:02
How sweet.
26:03
>> He does like Chinese stuff.
26:04
>> He does like Chinese stuff.
26:05
>> Right.
26:06
>> That he does.
26:07
Clearly, a very effestant heart, Marty Grobby's.
26:16
It's kind of a two-fer because you could really use these for two different holidays every
26:21
year.
26:22
>> Beautiful, beautiful jewelry.
26:25
I'm sure if he wasn't on a budget, he would get you something nicer.
26:31
>> Okay.
26:32
>> That's what they all say.
26:34
>> Okay.
26:35
From bacheloring number three.
26:37
>> A door up all.
26:39
>> I'm scared.
26:42
>> Okay.
26:43
>> Oh.
26:44
>> A charging cord.
26:46
>> It's a phone charger.
26:48
Interesting.
26:49
Okay.
26:50
>> Okay.
26:51
>> A shark.
26:52
>> Oh.
26:53
>> Bacheloring number four's gift.
26:55
>> It's heavy.
26:56
>> That's heavy.
26:57
>> What is it?
26:58
>> What is it, Caitlyn?
26:59
>> Later.
27:00
>> Colossal Claud.
27:01
>> Oh, wow.
27:02
>> No, that's cheating.
27:03
>> It definitely seems like it.
27:04
>> Well, it seems as though we have a little cheater amongst us who just can keep their mouth shut about themselves.
27:20
>> So this is interesting because I feel like this is kind of a giveaway.
27:27
>> Yeah, a little bit.
27:28
>> A little bit because it's spoiler alert.
27:31
I can't appear.
27:32
>> Yes, it is.
27:33
The can of beer.
27:34
>> The can of beer.
27:36
>> There.
27:37
>> Has been mentioned.
27:38
>> The rose.
27:39
>> The rose.
27:40
>> Colossal.
27:41
>> Claude.
27:42
>> That's bitch.
27:43
>> Keep believe we did that.
27:46
>> But it says dedicated to fishing stories.
27:52
>> Oh.
27:53
>> Right on the front of this can.
27:55
Word has it that after years of terrifying sailors and feasting on salmon, he acquired a taste for hops.
28:04
So we brewed this imperial IPA with a colossal dose of cascade, shanook, citra, and strata hops.
28:14
In hopes of coaxing, Claude out to join us for a pint.
28:19
>> Oh.
28:20
>> Okay, so this, if this is like his profile pic on Tinder, like which way are we swiping?
28:28
>> That's up to you.
28:29
>> Okay.
28:30
>> This is your dating game, baby.
28:32
>> Okay, well, I mean, I have some really difficult decisions to make.
28:36
I think at this point.
28:37
>> So I guess I don't need to ask you if you have any guesses who Bachelor number four is.
28:43
>> Because clearly it's colossal Claude.
28:46
He gave it away, gave him his damn self-aways.
28:49
>> He sure did.
28:50
>> Any final guesses on the others?
28:52
Or do you just want to head around for and choose your mans?
28:57
>> Yeah, I, this is a tough one.
29:02
>> It is tough.
29:03
>> I feel like I was getting a certain vibe about some of these and now I might be more confused than ever.
29:11
>> That was my goal.
29:13
>> Yeah.
29:14
>> Yeah, I'm really not sure.
29:17
>> I don't know.
29:18
>> Okay.
29:19
>> Do you think any of them are like the usual suspects we would see in the PNW?
29:24
>> I think maybe one of them is.
29:26
>> I'm just, you know, it just feels too soon to say for sure.
29:31
>> Okay.
29:32
>> Okay, round four.
29:36
>> Before you got to pick your ideal mate and then I will tell you all about every single one of them.
29:44
>> Yeah, so this is a really tough one.
29:47
Normally I think number one, that would be a tempting choice.
29:52
But I'm a little bit afraid about some of these answers here.
29:57
So.
29:58
Also Caitlin, you're not really dating them.
30:04
>> I mean, but listen, I take everything that I do very seriously.
30:09
>> Yeah, yeah, I feel like Bachelor number two for sure is out because I have small animals.
30:15
>> That's going to be a deal breaker for me.
30:20
>> They gave them, you know, they stimulated his serotonin.
30:25
>> Yeah.
30:27
It's like they would make him happy for how long and in what form or fashion.
30:33
>> Okay, so.
30:36
>> My gosh.
30:39
>> Well, Clyde or Claude had the most terrible answers, but he's the one that I wanted, obviously.
30:45
>> I know, that's why I made him a douche.
30:47
>> Yeah.
30:48
>> I was like, I know it.
30:51
>> I feel like realistically.
30:55
>> Okay.
30:56
>> Okay.
30:57
>> Moment of truth.
30:58
>> Moment of truth, I think I'm going to go with number three.
31:03
>> Number three.
31:04
>> Wow, that's a surprise.
31:07
>> Is it?
31:08
>> Okay.
31:09
>> Okay.
31:10
>> Are you ready to find out who your Bachelor is?
31:13
>> Sure.
31:15
>> Okay, Bachelor number three is Bat Squatch.
31:19
>> I feel like it was a Squatch.
31:23
>> So Bat Squatch, you remember he was the one who got confused with someone else.
31:35
>> Yeah.
31:36
>> Bat Squatch.
31:37
>> Bat Squatch.
31:38
>> I felt like I was picking that up.
31:40
>> Okay.
31:41
>> Yeah.
31:42
>> I was the only one that I felt like I had any clue on.
31:44
>> So I'll tell you a little bit more about him.
31:47
He is rumored to have originated from the 1980 Mount St. Helens eruption.
31:53
>> Oh.
31:54
>> But he has been spotted up and down the west coast.
31:57
He has described as basically a nine-foot tall Sasquatch with blue fur, huge bat wings, and glowing eyes.
32:04
>> Okay.
32:05
>> I remember I knew you liked the eyes.
32:07
>> Yeah.
32:08
>> You were weird about it, but they rubbed off on you.
32:12
>> Like bats, they are ancturnal and despise the light.
32:16
>> They live solitary lives.
32:18
>> Okay.
32:19
>> So that's why you had no friends or family.
32:20
>> Makes sense.
32:21
>> So I don't know why he wants a girlfriend, but you know, here we are.
32:24
>> Yeah.
32:25
>> Whatever.
32:26
>> So I guess that's good if what?
32:28
>> Oh.
32:29
>> What?
32:30
>> What?
32:31
>> So I guess that's good that you won't see like a horde of flying monkeys coming at you.
32:37
Was it a vastile?
32:38
>> Yeah.
32:39
>> Yeah.
32:40
>> Yeah.
32:41
>> Because that's a nightmare fuel.
32:44
>> Right.
32:45
>> For sure.
32:46
Yeah.
32:47
>> Totally.
32:48
>> Okay.
32:49
>> People who have witnessed a bat squash have reported battery drain.
32:52
>> Okay.
32:53
>> It is very sweet of him to give you a phone charger for your date so you don't lose charge.
33:00
>> That makes sense.
33:01
>> Yeah.
33:02
Thoughtful.
33:03
>> How thoughtful.
33:04
>> Yeah.
33:05
>> I can't even believe how thoughtful he is.
33:07
>> Yeah.
33:08
>> Well, do you want to hear about the rest of the contestants?
33:11
>> Okay.
33:12
>> We can go with colossal clods since we already clearly know who he is.
33:16
>> Janus.
33:17
>> Caitlyn actually requested him.
33:21
So of course I had to make him unlikeable.
33:23
>> Yeah.
33:24
>> Because I knew she would just pick him.
33:25
>> An absolute douche canoe.
33:28
He was first spotted in the Columbia River in 1934.
33:32
C.C.
33:33
>> C.C.
33:34
>> I love that.
33:35
>> C.C.
33:36
>> Is a 15 to 40 foot long.
33:40
It's a big difference there but 15 to 40 foot long with a round body snake like tail
33:47
and eight foot long neck with a horse head.
33:50
>> Oh boy.
33:51
>> Yeah.
33:52
>> So the ultra long scarves were for the eight foot long neck.
33:55
>> I mean, that makes sense.
33:57
>> And I think I picked orange for his favorite color because if he has a horse head, maybe he
34:03
likes, you know, the sea words.
34:05
We can't say him because the dogs.
34:08
>> Oh yeah.
34:09
>> But you know those orange vegetables.
34:11
>> That makes sense.
34:12
>> Those orange vegetables.
34:13
>> Those orange vegetables.
34:14
>> They're crunchy.
34:15
>> That are crunchy.
34:16
>> Some people think he might be a plesia sore.
34:17
>> Oh.
34:18
>> Which are extinct because that's a dinosaur.
34:22
>> Okay.
34:23
>> But that's kind of the look of him, I guess.
34:25
>> Yeah.
34:26
>> So then it's not extinct.
34:28
>> Right.
34:29
>> If it was.
34:30
>> Yeah.
34:31
>> But who knows?
34:32
>> That are clouds not that.
34:33
>> And there's just, there's no way to know.
34:35
>> He's his own thing.
34:36
>> Yeah.
34:37
>> Boy is he.
34:39
>> In 1963, the Shell Oil Workers reported seeing CC 180 feet down, maneuvering in a corkscrew
34:47
fashion.
34:48
So.
34:49
>> Interesting.
34:50
>> That's what he likes to do.
34:52
Corkscrews in the Columbia.
34:54
>> Okay.
34:55
>> Some fishermen who had an encounter with him said he would steal 20 pound halibut right
35:01
off the line.
35:02
>> I mean, I would absolutely do that if I could.
35:05
>> Right.
35:06
>> They're delicious.
35:07
So.
35:08
>> Well, too bad he didn't pick him.
35:09
He could steal you some halibut.
35:11
>> Yeah.
35:12
>> But, you know, he'd probably just talk about his beer the whole time.
35:14
>> I know.
35:15
>> When he didn't do.
35:16
I mean, but what pairs better with fish and chips than a beer?
35:21
>> Right.
35:22
>> He's on something.
35:24
>> Fun fact.
35:25
I guess he's sometimes known as Marvin the Monster.
35:28
>> Mm-hmm.
35:29
>> Which I didn't know.
35:31
Fun fact.
35:32
>> That's what I've heard.
35:34
>> Never heard of it.
35:35
>> It's all like old man names too.
35:40
>> Yeah.
35:41
>> Which is kind of funny.
35:42
It's a Claude Marvin.
35:43
>> So contestant number one was the gumberoo.
35:47
Have you heard of it?
35:49
>> I cannot say that I have.
35:51
>> Okay.
35:52
>> I don't think.
35:53
>> He's found along the coast from Washington to California, described as bear like but with
35:59
no fur.
36:00
>> What?
36:01
>> So.
36:02
>> Well, that's why he likes the sweaters.
36:06
>> Okay.
36:07
>> Okay.
36:08
>> Instead, he has black leathery skin that is basically a shield.
36:13
>> Okay.
36:14
>> Protecting the gumberoo even against bullets.
36:17
>> Whoa.
36:18
>> So very tough.
36:19
>> Okay.
36:20
>> Which I'm surprised you didn't pick him.
36:22
>> Yeah.
36:23
>> Because he was the protective.
36:25
>> Yeah.
36:26
>> He doesn't like fire.
36:28
>> I mean.
36:29
>> He lives on the coast range and he doesn't want to do a fire on the beach.
36:33
>> Well, there's a reason.
36:35
I'll tell you.
36:36
>> All right.
36:37
>> Some speculate that the skin itself might not be black in color but coated in the ash of
36:43
his home, which is a burnt cedar tree.
36:46
>> I was going to say he says he likes a smell of burnt trees.
36:50
>> Because they remind him of home.
36:53
>> Oh.
36:54
>> He lives in a little burnt tree.
36:56
>> Okay.
36:57
>> Or a big burnt tree.
36:58
>> A little one.
36:59
>> A little one.
37:00
>> Which is ironic that his home and his favorite scent are burnt but he is scared of fire.
37:08
>> That's what I'm saying.
37:09
>> So why is that?
37:11
>> Fire is one of the only ways to kill a gumberoo and they are apparently highly flammable.
37:17
>> Oh boy.
37:18
>> So that's why he has the explosive personality.
37:21
>> Oh.
37:22
>> But his mummy said.
37:24
>> Oh.
37:25
>> Booboo.
37:26
>> Booboo.
37:27
>> He does have one other weakness and that's being bitten by another creature called the Timber
37:32
Doodle.
37:33
>> Like a poodle?
37:34
>> I get, I don't know.
37:36
>> A Timber poodle?
37:37
I have no idea.
37:38
>> That led me to believe he wouldn't like to be bitten at all.
37:44
Probably pretty vanilla.
37:45
>> Okay.
37:46
>> So.
37:47
>> Yeah.
37:48
>> Hence the missionaries.
37:49
>> I see where I see.
37:50
>> Oh, I follow.
37:52
>> She gets it.
37:53
She gets me.
37:54
>> He also has, as I alluded to in the very first question, and this is a very scientific term,
38:03
a shitton of very sharp teeth.
38:07
>> Oh.
38:08
>> So yeah.
38:09
>> It might make kissing a little hard.
38:10
>> I, yeah.
38:11
>> I could see that.
38:12
>> Yeah.
38:13
>> I feel like it would be like an Edward Scissor Hands situation.
38:16
>> Yeah.
38:17
>> On your lips.
38:18
>> But like with your mouth.
38:19
>> Yeah.
38:20
>> Not ideal.
38:21
>> Did you like my Scissor Hands?
38:22
>> Yeah.
38:23
>> You look like you were doing finger guns again.
38:26
>> Who knows?
38:29
All those teeth probably help him out because he does have an insatiable appetite.
38:34
>> I mean, same.
38:35
>> Clearly, he ate all of his lovely date's chocolates.
38:39
>> Yeah.
38:40
>> Who does that?
38:41
>> He will eat anything that even looks like food.
38:44
So I'd watch out for all those food-shaped items we like to carry around.
38:48
Yes, I'm talking to you, Miss Pizza Purse.
38:50
>> Pizza Purse.
38:51
>> So good thing you didn't pick him and bring your pizza purse, your dog.
38:54
He would have been, you would have just been gone, girl.
38:57
>> He's like a hot dog and a pizza.
38:59
>> Yeah.
39:00
>> Oh, no.
39:02
>> You put them in the little hot dog Halloween costume.
39:06
>> Oh, God.
39:07
>> No, I think that's a bachelor number two.
39:11
>> Right.
39:12
>> And how can I forget the Eugene Levy?
39:17
That's not his name.
39:19
>> Oh.
39:20
>> Yeah.
39:21
>> And how can I forget the Eugene Levy brows and porcupine chin?
39:25
>> Oh, boy.
39:26
>> Very hot.
39:27
>> That's very hot.
39:28
>> That is a lot.
39:29
Also, another fun fact, very PNW.
39:33
This story originated with lumberjacks.
39:36
>> Huh.
39:37
>> Yeah.
39:38
>> That makes sense, though.
39:40
>> Yeah.
39:41
>> Out in the trees.
39:42
>> Yeah.
39:43
>> Yeah.
39:44
>> Bachelor number two is Ogo Pogo.
39:47
>> Ogo Pogo.
39:49
>> Have you heard of him?
39:51
>> It sounds so familiar.
39:53
>> It's an interesting one.
39:55
>> Uh-huh.
39:56
>> Ogo Pogo dwells in Okanagan Lake in Kelona, British Columbia.
40:02
>> Yeah, he does.
40:04
>> And no one else is going to know, but that took me a ridiculously long amount of time to say that whole sentence.
40:12
>> It's been ten minutes.
40:14
>> Oh, God.
40:15
>> Okay.
40:16
>> He's described as some sort of serpent or dragon creature.
40:20
The legend is that the sea of Okanagan people who were native to the land gave offerings to Ogo Pogo in return for safe passage across the lake.
40:30
>> Yes.
40:32
>> Okay.
40:33
>> And he guesses what the offering was.
40:36
>> Live small animals.
40:39
>> No, thank you.
40:40
>> Later, people would start to bring their precious metals and jewelry to these Ogo Pogo.
40:47
>> Yes.
40:48
>> Instead of the live sacrifices.
40:51
>> Actually, the origin of this cryptid is most likely a misunderstanding due to language barriers.
41:00
>> Huh.
41:01
>> Yeah.
41:02
>> Who would have thought?
41:03
>> Weird, right?
41:04
>> Who would have thought?
41:05
>> The sea of Okanagan people told settlers of a sacred water spirit protecting the land.
41:12
They called it, and this is a crazy looking name, but it came with a pronunciation, which is not too bad.
41:20
So it's kind of fun.
41:21
>> Okay.
41:22
>> It's Naha Ikku.
41:24
>> Oh.
41:25
>> And it spelled like in a Pastery X with a little thingy AX-I-T-K thingy Mavavers.
41:33
Yeah, it's really cool looking.
41:35
>> Like our language is not as pretty as this, but.
41:41
>> Sundame.
41:42
>> That translates to the sacred spirit of the lake, which sounds nice.
41:48
>> It does.
41:49
>> They describe it as having a horse head with deer antlers.
41:53
So I think it's kind of the same swimming creature maybe, but maybe not.
41:57
Maybe it's just like a walking, like a land spirit.
42:01
>> Yeah.
42:02
>> That sounds--
42:03
>> I don't know.
42:04
>> Yeah, that sounds potentially really, really different.
42:07
>> Very different.
42:08
>> Yeah.
42:09
>> Big, big miscommunication.
42:11
Their offerings included tobacco, sage, and salmon.
42:15
So try explaining this to white people, and it turns into sacrificing live animals to a
42:20
piece of demon.
42:21
>> I mean--
42:22
>> Yeah.
42:23
>> And we are.
42:24
>> I mean, we are kind of the worst.
42:26
>> The actual worst.
42:28
>> So, fast forward to the 20s where we get the origin of the Ogo Pogo name from a very
42:35
entertaining song.
42:38
I will include the link to the song.
42:40
It's really fun.
42:41
I highly suggest listening to it.
42:43
>> Oh.
42:44
>> But some of the lyrics are, I am looking for the Ogo Pogo, the funny little Ogo Pogo.
42:50
His mother was a polywag.
42:52
His father was a whale.
42:53
I am going to put a little salt on his tail.
42:56
>> Rude.
42:57
>> I know.
42:58
So I figured he might be scared of salt.
43:00
Like a slug.
43:01
>> Yeah.
43:02
Right?
43:03
>> Yeah.
43:04
Eaky.
43:05
>> They do compare him to the Loch Ness Monster.
43:08
The locals have statues of him, and people even travel to visit the lake to try and get a glimpse.
43:14
But I had never heard of him.
43:16
And obviously, he's not as famous as a Loch Ness Monster, because he doesn't have, you know,
43:21
ladles of him.
43:22
>> Yeah.
43:23
>> You can, you know, use in your kitchen.
43:26
Not by a long shot.
43:28
>> Yeah.
43:29
>> I want one really bad.
43:30
>> I know.
43:31
>> So I gathered that he might be a little bit, have a little bit of a complex about that.
43:36
>> Yeah.
43:37
>> So, I mean, listen, it's probably best that I didn't go this route, because I myself have
43:45
a Loch Ness loose leaf tea diffuser.
43:49
>> Oh, yeah.
43:50
>> Oh, yeah.
43:51
>> See what I mean?
43:52
There's not an Ogo Pogo one.
43:53
>> That's right.
43:54
>> You mean, man, that's rough.
43:57
Living in the shadow.
43:58
>> Right.
43:59
>> Yeah, sad.
44:00
>> But one more little fun, funsy fact for you.
44:03
In the 80s, there was a $1 million reward for proof of the Ogo Pogo's existence.
44:11
>> Oh.
44:12
>> Yeah.
44:13
>> $1 million.
44:14
>> $1 million dollars.
44:19
>> Wait, is the reward no longer?
44:21
>> I don't think so.
44:22
>> I think they probably canceled that.
44:25
I mean, they've got their tourists now on their merch, so they're good to go.
44:29
>> Okay.
44:30
>> That's fair.
44:31
>> Are you ready to do the terror reading to find out what Mr. Batsquatch has in mind for you?
44:38
What his intentions are with you?
44:40
>> I...
44:42
>> You know, it's probably best if I have all of the information, but I'm a little bit afraid.
44:48
>> That's all of the information.
44:49
>> Okay.
44:50
>> I'm going to have all of the information.
44:52
>> Listen, I'm going to trust the tarot.
44:54
It's going to guide me correctly.
44:57
>> I think so too.
44:58
>> It's going to know these cryptids.
45:00
>> Okay.
45:01
>> Are you ready?
45:02
>> Yeah.
45:03
>> Tarot?
45:04
>> Tarot?
45:05
>> I'm excited for this terror read.
45:09
I wasn't.
45:10
We had a lot of technical difficulties.
45:12
>> Now, I'm feeling it.
45:14
>> I'm feeling it.
45:15
>> Yeah.
45:16
We got it figured out.
45:17
>> Okay.
45:18
>> It's probably being cursed and/or haunted.
45:21
>> Yeah.
45:22
So, I regret my decisions.
45:25
>> No.
45:26
>> So, like maybe Batsquatch isn't the one for me.
45:29
>> He is.
45:30
Don't say that about him.
45:31
And when we have the other rogue beer, the gumberu, so rogue made the gumberoo, the Batsquatch, and colossal clod into beers.
45:44
And I did not know that before I picked them for this episode.
45:49
I knew colossal Claude did.
45:51
>> Yeah.
45:52
That's the only one I knew about.
45:53
>> Yeah.
45:54
>> Even in like researching them, typing in their names into Google, I didn't either, it didn't register that they had beers or it just didn't come up.
46:02
But yeah.
46:03
So, I was pretty surprised and happy to find that out.
46:06
They don't have OgoPogo yet, but we will start a petition.
46:11
>> Absolutely.
46:13
>> Okay.
46:14
>> Okay, Caitlyn.
46:16
>> That's me.
46:17
>> Pick your eligible, what are you, sassy, sexy single?
46:22
>> Oh, boy.
46:23
>> Okay.
46:24
>> Okay.
46:25
>> Okay.
46:26
>> For Batsquatch's intentions with you.
46:29
>> Okay.
46:30
>> What did we get?
46:32
>> Shut up.
46:33
>> Did we get?
46:34
>> What did we get?
46:35
>> Shut up.
46:36
>> Shut up.
46:38
>> Oh, cool.
46:39
We got the full.
46:41
That's my card.
46:43
>> Okay.
46:44
>> It was really debating.
46:46
>> I think the fool is kind of fitting for this one.
46:50
>> He's some sort of otter, the river otter.
46:52
>> Just a sea otter.
46:54
>> Okay.
46:55
>> Oh, this actually works, I think.
46:58
>> Okay.
46:59
>> It's so good.
47:00
>> Okay.
47:01
So, our key words are innocence, beginnings, trust, hope, and opportunity.
47:09
It's the first card in the major arcana.
47:13
The fool begins your journey toward wisdom.
47:17
The fool represents innocence and faith.
47:20
The naive competence of youth.
47:23
Shown as a young traveler, he embarks on an adventure without a care in the world.
47:29
Unconcerned about the potential dangers that lurk ahead on the path.
47:33
>> I think you're the fool.
47:35
>> That doesn't sound like me at all.
47:38
>> You pick a cryptid to date, you fool.
47:41
>> I know.
47:42
>> I know.
47:43
>> That's what it's trying to say.
47:45
>> In some decks, he appears as a happy, go-lucky young male standing at the edge of a cliff.
47:52
Just about to step off into the great unknown.
47:55
Often, he carries all his worldly possessions tied in a small bag on a stick over his shoulder.
48:05
Suggesting he doesn't have a lot of baggage yet and is open to life's experiences.
48:10
>> Well, the bat's quatch doesn't have friends or family, so probably not a lot of baggage.
48:16
>> Yeah, I would think.
48:18
Oh my goodness.
48:20
The fool symbolizes the blind, leap of faith we almost take upon entering the journey of life.
48:29
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.
48:33
>> Oh.
48:34
>> When the fool appears in a reading, it usually means you're about to embark on a new way of life.
48:40
>> Oh, yeah.
48:41
>> Yeah, you are.
48:44
>> You're open to new experiences and to discovering what lies around the bend.
48:53
Even if you're not sure about the path you've chosen, you have faith that everything will turn out well.
48:59
You probably feel out of sync with the rest of the world, but in a good way.
49:05
Are we so sure?
49:07
>> Oh.
49:08
>> Listen, I'm wearing literal rose colored glasses.
49:11
I'm channeling Elton John here, but like, I ain't no fool.
49:18
>> You hear the beat of a different drummer and you're ready to march to it.
49:22
>> You hear the beat of leathery bat wings.
49:25
>> Oh boy.
49:27
>> I'm skipping right to the love reading.
49:30
>> Perfect.
49:31
>> In a reading about love, this card often means beginning a romance or moving into a new stage in an existing relationship.
49:41
A new relationship may feel faded as if you've met your soulmate.
49:46
>> Oh.
49:47
>> That's quite your soulmate.
49:49
>> Yay.
49:51
>> Enjoy this period of joy, openness, and excitement.
49:56
>> Oh, there's another extra excerpt.
49:59
The quest for meaning always takes us into the unknown.
50:04
>> That's true.
50:06
>> Oh boy.
50:07
>> Okay.
50:09
>> Taking these bad boys off, I feel like they are blinding me.
50:13
>> I love that.
50:14
That was the perfect reading.
50:15
It made up for all of our problems in the beginning, I think.
50:19
>> Oh my goodness.
50:21
Yeah.
50:22
We were having some real technical difficulties.
50:24
>> Yeah.
50:25
>> Do you like our explosion of Valentine's all over the bed and the altar and?
50:33
>> It's perfect.
50:34
It's beautiful.
50:35
>> I love your heart shaped little shelf here.
50:39
>> Mm-hmm.
50:40
>> And you got, is this love potion?
50:42
>> It's actually poison.
50:44
>> We're going to pretend it's love potion.
50:46
>> Yeah.
50:47
>> Which, aka poison.
50:48
>> Well, we hope you all have a swell V-Day.
50:53
No matter what you do, if you celebrate, if you don't, if you have a date, if you don't,
50:58
do something for yourself.
51:00
Self love is important.
51:02
>> Happy Valentine's Day for you people.
51:05
>> Happy Valentine's Day for you people.
51:06
>> This is really fun episode.
51:07
I had a lot of fun being creative and making shit up.
51:10
That was a good time.
51:11
>> I know.
51:12
>> We're going to have to do this again, for sure.
51:15
>> So write in with suggestions of credits because we're doing this again.
51:22
>> If I have to write it myself, we're doing it again.
51:25
That was too much fun.
51:26
>> Yeah, sure turn.
51:27
>> I'm obsessed.
51:28
>> Oh, thanks.
51:29
>> Have a creepy ass Valentine's Day.
51:33
>> See you next Tuesday.
51:36
>> See you next Tuesday.
51:37
>> Unless you're one of the three bachelor cryptids that Caitlyn and Pick lose my number.
51:46
>> Yeah.
51:47
>> I'm sure they're all very upset.
51:48
I'm going to have to call each one of them personally afterwards and tell them the bad news.
51:53
>> Wish me luck every morning.
51:55
>> If I'm not here next week, you guys know why.
51:58
>> I might have been eaten by a cryptid because he was mad.
52:03
>> Okay, well, listen, we're going to have to have a chat with them.
52:07
That's not how you solve problems, okay?
52:10
Bye.
52:12
Bye.
52:13
>> Bye.
52:16
>> So for all of you that are listening, if you have any true crime or paranormal stories
52:21
that you want us to share, maybe with a whole Pacific Northwest?
52:25
>> Yes, we would love to read them on the pod.
52:28
>> Yes, we will read them out loud, not just in our heads.
52:34
>> Yes.
52:35
>> They don't have to be from the Pacific Northwest, if you would like to share.
52:40
>> Email us at pnwhauntsandhomicides@gmail.com.
52:46
It's all spelled out, no special characters.
52:49
Super duper easy peasy.
52:52
>> Follow us on Instagram and Facebook.
52:55
Same thing as the email @pnwhauntsandhomicides
52:59
All spelled out, no special characters.
53:02
Please also rate and review us on whatever platform you're listening to
53:06
and check out our stories on social media because our main game is hot.
53:12
Agreed.
53:13
And if you agree, like Caitlyn, you can also find us on Patreon and support the show. pnwhauntsandhomicides.com
53:19
>> Bitchin.
53:20
[laughs]
53:21
[music]
53:22
[music]
53:24
[music]
53:26
[music]
53:28
[laughs]
53:55
>> Oh, that is not a birthday present for Kelsey.
53:59
That is offensive.
54:01
[laughs]
54:03
>> Please read it.
54:05
[laughs]
54:07
>> I cannot read this.
54:08
>> Do you want me to read it?
54:09
>> Oh my god.
54:11
[laughs]
54:13
I mean, I would hardly call this a family show, but--
54:16
>> No, we don't need to read it.
54:18
>> Oh my god, no, we have to read it.
54:20
>> Oh, do you want to read it?
54:21
>> Oh my god.
54:22
[laughs]
54:23
>> If there's any kids around, send them out of the room.
54:26
[laughs]
54:28
>> Immediately.
54:30
If that's sooner.
54:31
Why are you letting your kids know something about it?
54:33
>> Don't let them listen to me.
54:35
>> Yeah.
54:36
>> I'm naughty.
54:38
[laughs]
54:39
>> Jesus.
54:41
>> Okay.
54:43
The submarine.
54:44
Also known as a sexual act involving a man eating out a woman's vagina
54:52
while masturbating.
54:54
>> Okay, seems tame.
54:56
>> Just before he comes to completion, he looks up at her.
55:04
When she notices him looking at her, he says, "Target locked," which is,
55:11
I can't know, never.
55:13
>> Target locked.
55:15
[laughs]
55:17
>> Target is officially out of the room.
55:20
While the girl is still in confusion, he says, "Fire torpedo."
55:26
[laughs]
55:27
As he jumps up and comes to completion on her face.
55:30
>> In her face.
55:31
>> On her face.
55:32
>> In her face.
55:33
>> Oh boy.
55:35
Then walks away saying, "Target destroyed."
55:39
And I would literally end the life of this critter.
55:47
>> I mean, this is something you need to talk about with your partner before hand
55:51
and make sure everyone's okay with it.
55:53
>> Yeah, because listen, this definition comes with, "Can I hear it in a sentence?"
56:01
>> And here we go.
56:03
Kelsey was so surprised when I gave her that submarine for her birthday.
56:08
>> No.
56:10
>> Don't surprise a submarine on any person.
56:12
>> Never surprise anyone with anything ever.
56:15
>> No.
56:16
>> Consent is key.
56:18
>> Yeah. Also, that does not sound like a birthday present for Kelsey.
56:22
Just FYI.
56:23
>Kelsey, are you okay?
56:25
>> Kelsey is not okay.
56:28
>> Kelsey, are you okay?
56:30
>> Kelsey, are you okay?
56:32
>> Kelsey, are you okay?