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Bonus IMPROV - Deep, Deep Discounts · Very Fine Friends

• 0:00
  uh welcome to friends like us bonus improv
• 0:18
  francis was doing weird waving uh joe can we get a suggestion for our scene i don't know are
• 0:28
  Are you going to be a dick about it?
• 0:29
  We'll see.
• 0:32
  Your word, your suggestion is defects.
• 0:38
  Defects.
• 0:40
  When I used to work at Old Navy, clothes that, this is probably still their policy, but anything that they considered defective would be 30% off.
• 0:51
  It was like final sale, but it'd be 30% off.
• 0:53
  people used to come and
• 0:56
  they'd be like I'm pretty sure this isn't
• 0:58
  supposed to be here like can I get
• 1:00
  a 30% off like no
• 1:01
  it's a regular stitch
• 1:03
  but yeah people used to try and game that
• 1:06
  that old navy system
• 1:07
  big time which is so funny to me
• 1:10
  it's like this is a
• 1:12
  $7 t-shirt
• 1:13
  you need to get it for four
• 1:16
  yeah
• 1:17
  that gives people a rush
• 1:20
  the getting away
• 1:22
  with something well yeah
• 1:23
  Like $4.
• 1:25
  I could stain this.
• 1:26
  Some people live for the bargain.
• 1:28
  Yeah.
• 1:29
  There was another time.
• 1:31
  This was when I was a manager.
• 1:33
  So I had to deal with the trouble.
• 1:35
  The people that were trouble.
• 1:36
  And there was a guy that was trying to return a pair of jeans for a one-year-old.
• 1:40
  So they were like 12-month-old jeans.
• 1:43
  He had his child with him.
• 1:46
  The child was clearly pushing too.
• 1:50
  And he was like, no, no, I need to return these.
• 1:53
  I need to return these.
• 1:54
  We don't need them.
• 1:55
  And we would take stuff back that was like,
• 1:58
  like if someone was trying to return,
• 1:59
  we would take it back no matter what.
• 2:01
  But this was so old and he didn't have a receipt and there were no tags that
• 2:06
  like when you put in the style number,
• 2:08
  it just like would defaulted to $1.97.
• 2:10
  That was like their base return price for everything.
• 2:13
  And it also would tell you like on the tag,
• 2:15
  what season the clothes were from.
• 2:19
  So he,
• 2:20
  he was like,
• 2:21
  I just bought these.
• 2:22
  It should be like, the other jeans right there are like $25.
• 2:27
  Like this should be like $25.
• 2:28
  I was like, well, like you can see on the date right here.
• 2:32
  It's like it says like, you know, 04.
• 2:35
  It says you're lying.
• 2:36
  Yeah, it says you're lying.
• 2:38
  Also, it smells like laundry detergent.
• 2:40
  I know you've used this and washed it.
• 2:42
  And he was like, this is great.
• 2:44
  He's like, so you're just going to take those and you're going to sell them again for $25.
• 2:46
  And I was like, I can't sell them.
• 2:48
  They've been washed.
• 2:50
  No, no, no.
• 2:50
  these you're getting a free $1.97
• 2:52
  sir just take it
• 2:54
  customers can be very angry
• 2:56
  yeah I worked
• 2:59
  in retail at Urban
• 3:00
  Outfitters
• 3:01
  that was a tough gig
• 3:04
  yeah
• 3:04
  one time a girl
• 3:07
  because we were on
• 3:09
  we were in the gas lamp district in San Diego
• 3:12
  so there was like nightclubs
• 3:14
  and like we'd stay open until 1am
• 3:16
  Urban Outfitters was open until 1am
• 3:18
  yeah so drunk
• 3:20
  people would come in on like friday and saturday nights and one girl like barfed in the middle of
• 3:26
  the in the middle of the floor and uh my manager went and got her got the mop and was like
• 3:35
  you're cleaning this up yeah it is not my job to clean this up yes made her like mop it up and i
• 3:43
  was just like wow to have that kind of confidence to make a drunk girl clean up her own bar A true leader A true leader Yeah I was like I would never have had the guts to do that
• 3:55
  And I was just so impressed.
• 3:58
  You'd follow that man anywhere.
• 4:00
  I wonder what he's doing now.
• 4:01
  I wonder.
• 4:02
  He probably still works at Urban Outfitters.
• 4:03
  That was very much his scene.
• 4:05
  He is Urban Outfitter now.
• 4:07
  He is.
• 4:08
  He's the one.
• 4:09
  He's the outfitter.
• 4:10
  but we never dealt with defects or at least i never did as a as a shirt folder
• 4:20
  is that your professional job title it was on our business folder nice gasif
• 4:27
  no creator and shirt folder yeah yeah it was just
• 4:31
  and now improv
• 4:40
  Darling.
• 4:44
  Yes, my sweets.
• 4:45
  I know you want a big, giant, wonderful wedding.
• 4:49
  Mm-hmm.
• 4:49
  Just so expensive, and I came up with an idea.
• 4:52
  Oh, I can't wait to hear it, my love.
• 4:53
  Well, we go to each party of our wedding, and we...
• 4:58
  Oh, I know you're not going to like this.
• 4:59
  But we lie to them about something that happened, and we get a discount.
• 5:04
  We go to each of our vendors?
• 5:05
  Yes.
• 5:07
  Yes, here's the first one I thought of.
• 5:08
  I was admiring a rose, and it cut me from the thorn.
• 5:13
  And as a result, I'm blood.
• 5:16
  You're hemophiliac.
• 5:17
  Yes, that's it.
• 5:18
  You'll bleed out right here.
• 5:19
  Yes, yes.
• 5:20
  Now, we don't want money.
• 5:22
  We just want services.
• 5:23
  Yes.
• 5:23
  Yes, we just want discounts.
• 5:25
  That's all.
• 5:26
  Deep, deep discounts.
• 5:27
  Almost free.
• 5:29
  We're free.
• 5:30
  Almost free.
• 5:31
  Yes.
• 5:31
  We're not monsters.
• 5:32
  No.
• 5:33
  No, no, no, no, no.
• 5:34
  We'll pay a shilling or two.
• 5:35
  Not poppers.
• 5:35
  No, we have money.
• 5:37
  We just don't want to offend them.
• 5:37
  Not very much.
• 5:39
  Yes.
• 5:40
  Yeah, so you're on board.
• 5:41
  I'm on board.
• 5:42
  Let's visit the vendors immediately.
• 5:43
  Oh, wonderful, wonderful.
• 5:45
  Get to the vendors.
• 5:48
  What do you do here?
• 5:51
  Hey, you came to me, buddy.
• 5:53
  It's our linen vendor.
• 5:55
  Linen.
• 5:56
  Yeah.
• 5:56
  Yes.
• 5:57
  Oh.
• 5:57
  Do you see that sign?
• 5:59
  Oh.
• 6:00
  Linens.
• 6:01
  And no more things.
• 6:03
  Just linens.
• 6:04
  Original.
• 6:05
  It's such a long sign.
• 6:07
  And I do love it.
• 6:08
  Thank you so much.
• 6:09
  The neon costs a lot, but I think it was worth it.
• 6:11
  Yes.
• 6:13
  I'll.
• 6:14
  This is going to be hard to hear.
• 6:16
  Your linen suffocated my parakeet.
• 6:21
  Oh, no.
• 6:22
  I know.
• 6:23
  Wait, what?
• 6:24
  It's dead.
• 6:25
  Percival.
• 6:25
  He was coming to the wedding.
• 6:27
  Oh, this is so hard.
• 6:30
  What are you going to do?
• 6:32
  Percival was like a member of our family.
• 6:34
  Don't get upset.
• 6:34
  I know you get upset.
• 6:36
  I am upset.
• 6:37
  The Orlinens murdered a member of our family.
• 6:43
  Oh, well.
• 6:45
  And we already threw the body away.
• 6:47
  Oh, I need proof of dead parrot before I, it's company policy.
• 6:54
  Look, we had a lot of dead parrots.
• 6:56
  Our Linens, we actually, you signed a waiver saying that you acknowledge that if anything happens to a parrot or other bird pet in your house, that we are not liable.
• 7:07
  Did you
• 7:09
  I didn't read it
• 7:10
  You know I never read the fine print
• 7:12
  We get so many people that way
• 7:14
  That's why we put it in there
• 7:17
  Ironclad
• 7:19
  Thank you for your candor
• 7:21
  But your linens
• 7:23
  Also gave me a rash on my
• 7:25
  Napkin hand
• 7:26
  That's right
• 7:29
  Now I can't even look at it
• 7:30
  It's disgusting
• 7:31
  And it my ring hand my ring hand and my napkin hand and my same hand You actually originally I got your order right here
• 7:43
  You ordered the rashy napkins.
• 7:49
  I thought it said rosy napkins.
• 7:53
  No, no, common mistake.
• 7:55
  It's rashy napkins.
• 7:56
  They are a little bit cheaper, but that's just why some people choose them.
• 8:01
  Um, but yeah, no, it's right there in your handwriting.
• 8:06
  You used your ring finger hand to write, yes, I'd like rashy napkins.
• 8:12
  I'm really sorry, my hands are tied.
• 8:14
  Lenny the linen man has got us coming and going.
• 8:16
  I can't believe this, it was foolproof.
• 8:18
  He's an ironclad contract.
• 8:21
  Oh, yeah, was there anything else we could...
• 8:23
  You try something else, honey.
• 8:25
  Oh, that's right, Lenny.
• 8:27
  I just remembered, this is horrifying.
• 8:29
  I was wearing one of your linens like a ghost
• 8:32
  and was
• 8:33
  photographed
• 8:35
  and put in the news as a racist.
• 8:39
  Oh no!
• 8:40
  Yes!
• 8:41
  And my reputation's ruined.
• 8:44
  Yeah, where's the clause about that?
• 8:46
  Yeah!
• 8:47
  Oh, oh.
• 8:49
  Oh no.
• 8:50
  Shoot.
• 8:52
  I told my boss we needed a ghost clause.
• 8:54
  We got him!
• 8:55
  We don't want free.
• 8:58
  just deeply discounted linens
• 9:01
  oh thank you so much
• 9:03
  yeah no I'll take care of that
• 9:05
  I'll take care of that for you right away
• 9:07
  wow you're great
• 9:09
  I'm so sorry about that
• 9:10
  I know it won't fix your reputation
• 9:13
  because I actually saw that
• 9:15
  I saw that news story
• 9:17
  I almost didn't let you into
• 9:19
  linens and no other things
• 9:21
  but you did
• 9:21
  we can't do business with this guy
• 9:24
  because I'm a racist apologist
• 9:26
  Take your linens and shove it
• 9:29
  Oh, but we're getting the discount
• 9:31
  No, I have principles
• 9:33
  Principles cost money
• 9:36
  I'm torn
• 9:38
  No, that's fine, it's fine, I understand
• 9:41
  I should be ostracized
• 9:43
  Unless you paid us
• 9:46
  Oh, and then I'll pay you
• 9:51
  And then you will continue to do
• 9:53
  where you will work at my store
• 9:55
  or you will come to my store
• 9:57
  patronize linens and no other things.
• 10:01
  You strike a hard bargain, bud.
• 10:02
  All right.
• 10:03
  Deal.
• 10:05
  All right.
• 10:06
  Cut to a different vendor.
• 10:10
  The cake maker.
• 10:12
  Ah, this one's going to be tricky, babe.
• 10:14
  Yes, but I believe in you.
• 10:16
  Okay.
• 10:16
  Yes, you start and I'll be in the back.
• 10:18
  Okay.
• 10:19
  Okay.
• 10:19
  Ding, ding, ding, ding on the door.
• 10:21
  Hello, I make cakes.
• 10:23
  thank you for greeting us
• 10:26
  so
• 10:28
  distinctly
• 10:29
  oh well just I want everyone to know
• 10:32
  that's the first thing I want them to know about me
• 10:34
  is that I make cakes
• 10:35
  well as you know
• 10:38
  we were in here for a sample
• 10:40
  of some of your cakes
• 10:42
  oh yes the lovely
• 10:44
  couple
• 10:45
  she remembers us
• 10:47
  we're being married
• 10:48
  too sweet
• 10:50
  but I have to say
• 10:53
  When I ate your cake, it was so delicious that now I can't eat any other food.
• 11:04
  Oh, good.
• 11:05
  No, this is not good.
• 11:07
  No, it's bad.
• 11:08
  No, that means it's working.
• 11:10
  No, her doctor called.
• 11:11
  She has cacaritis.
• 11:13
  I do.
• 11:14
  It went right to my cankles.
• 11:18
  This is we call this in the business it slang we call it diet cake And I don mean that it has fewer calories I mean it is so good and has so many calories that you never going to want to eat anything
• 11:30
  else, thereby letting you lose weight. You look fantastic, by the way.
• 11:36
  Thank you. And I have been losing weight, but...
• 11:40
  Don't let her swindle you. Be strong.
• 11:43
  Okay. You try something.
• 11:45
  I was about to enjoy your cake
• 11:50
  when all of the frosting fell all over me
• 11:53
  and I was photographed
• 11:54
  and now my reputation has suffered
• 11:59
  Good job, darling. It worked last time
• 12:04
  Oh, I remember seeing you covered in frosting in the paper
• 12:09
  and that made you look whimsical and fun
• 12:13
  and I wanted to be friends with you
• 12:15
  And in fact, all of my sewing group
• 12:18
  They saw it as well
• 12:19
  And they also wanted to be friends with you
• 12:21
  I don't think that was reputational
• 12:23
  Damaging
• 12:25
  Well, right after that
• 12:27
  My
• 12:29
  Parakeet fell in your cake
• 12:31
  Oh my goodness, I'm so sorry
• 12:36
  Pierre!
• 12:37
  Our other parakeets
• 12:39
  Yes, they were like brothers
• 12:40
  Now we have none
• 12:42
  Oh.
• 12:42
  We're a parakeet-less household.
• 12:45
  I'm so sorry.
• 12:46
  I'm so sorry.
• 12:47
  We don't want free.
• 12:49
  No, no, no, no.
• 12:50
  We just want a discount.
• 12:51
  Of course.
• 12:52
  I'll give you a discount.
• 12:53
  Oh, I feel so terrible that a parakeet flew into my cake.
• 12:57
  I bake cakes.
• 13:01
  We cut to the final vendor, the pastor who is officiating the wedding.
• 13:07
  All right.
• 13:07
  This is going to be the toughest one yet.
• 13:09
  It's weird that we're asking for a discount in the middle of the ceremony.
• 13:12
  It is, but now he can't say no from all these people.
• 13:15
  It's the gift we want.
• 13:17
  Yes.
• 13:17
  Okay.
• 13:18
  Okay.
• 13:20
  I marry people.
• 13:24
  And today I have come here to marry the two of you.
• 13:29
  Tell me, have you written your own vows?
• 13:33
  Yes.
• 13:34
  Lovely.
• 13:35
  I, Petunia
• 13:37
  take you
• 13:41
  Morris
• 13:44
  Morris
• 13:46
  concerning you don't know his name
• 13:48
  but I'll let it slide
• 13:49
  I do
• 13:50
  I've forgotten his Christian name
• 13:54
  only
• 13:56
  if
• 13:57
  we can get the services
• 14:00
  of this preacher
• 14:01
  for 15% off
• 14:04
  Oh, that seems fair.
• 14:07
  He's holding our wedding hostage and our happiness out of God's eyes.
• 14:13
  If he doesn't agree to a 15% discount on his...
• 14:17
  I object. It should be 20.
• 14:19
  Very well.
• 14:20
  Who are we to argue with our guests?
• 14:21
  The crowd has spoken.
• 14:23
  And I, Morris, agree with Petunia.
• 14:28
  Get him, babe.
• 14:31
  That was a custom vow just for you.
• 14:32
  So, Father Roberto, what do you say?
• 14:37
  20% off?
• 14:40
  I now pronounce you not married.
• 14:43
  Oh, no.
• 14:45
  I'm sorry.
• 14:46
  There's no discounts for God.
• 14:49
  This man killed my parents.
• 14:55
  And scene.
• 15:02
  You're welcome.