Latest / Do You F*cking Mind? / 486. Should I mix friendship with career and toxic mother what will she do next?! (Headnoise)

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486. Should I mix friendship with career and toxic mother what will she do next?! (Headnoise) · Do You F*cking Mind?

0:13
Speaker 1: Hello, beautiful beans, and welcome to the Head Noise Podcast
0:17
Speaker 1: episode of today. This is a voice mail head Noise episode. Well,
0:22
Speaker 1: we get to hear your starting forces from around the globe,
0:25
Speaker 1: which we love so much. So these are the title topics. Also,
0:30
Speaker 1: I highly highly encourage you whenever you are sending in
0:33
Speaker 1: a voicemail or like any kind of head noise question,
0:37
Speaker 1: go hard on the titles because I do love a
0:39
Speaker 1: good title. So these ones are titled what could she
0:43
Speaker 1: do Next? The next one is moving overseas the logistics,
0:46
Speaker 1: and the other one is mixing friendships and career. So
0:50
Speaker 1: let's get straight into it. We're going to dive deep
0:53
Speaker 1: and hopefully give you some useful advice or at the
0:57
Speaker 1: very least some food for thought to get you into
0:59
Speaker 1: the right and not if they had noise. So let's
1:02
Speaker 1: begin number one.
1:05
Speaker 2: Hey, So I have recently cut contact with my mother
1:09
Speaker 2: so May last year, and I haven't had any engagement
1:12
Speaker 2: since I've been baited into it by her communicating with
1:18
Speaker 2: extended family members who I don't even know. She's reported
1:22
Speaker 2: false reports on certain things. It's just been quite messy.
1:26
Speaker 2: It totally like disrupts my life when it happens and
1:28
Speaker 2: I'm struggling, I guess, with the fear of what is
1:32
Speaker 2: she going to do next? Even though I know that
1:35
Speaker 2: there is absolutely nothing she could do to me, because
1:39
Speaker 2: I'm a pretty decent human being and I do the
1:42
Speaker 2: right thing. But yeah, I guess it's just how do
1:46
Speaker 2: I detach from that? Yeah, that side of things. I've
1:50
Speaker 2: had to cut off her and her family because they
1:53
Speaker 2: tend to rally up behind her and support her no
1:55
Speaker 2: matter what toxicity she brings into other people's lives. She
2:00
Speaker 2: is an alcoholic, she has been verbally abusive, she has
2:06
Speaker 2: been emotionally neglectful in my childhood, and I didn't want
2:11
Speaker 2: my son experiencing any of that, and I didn't want
2:14
Speaker 2: him to see me experience that because it really just
2:17
Speaker 2: unsettles me. So how should I move forward? I know
2:21
Speaker 2: I've made the right decision, but I'm just struggling to
2:23
Speaker 2: come to terms with it and the fear of what
2:25
Speaker 2: could she do next?
2:27
Speaker 1: Okay, I'm so sorry you're going through that. That is
2:30
Speaker 1: so fucking frustrating. And it's yeah, like she's obviously just
2:36
Speaker 1: like a victim of her own fucking life, isn't she?
2:39
Speaker 1: And look, the good thing is that, you know you
2:41
Speaker 1: made the right decision. You're not kind of battling in
2:43
Speaker 1: your own mind about should I have cut her off?
2:45
Speaker 1: Should I not have? Like you, you are very comfortable
2:49
Speaker 1: knowing that you've made the right decision. And I guess
2:52
Speaker 1: the really hard thing is that you you said there's
2:55
Speaker 1: really not much else she can do, but also you
2:58
Speaker 1: don't really know what these people are going to do,
3:00
Speaker 1: like who are they going to try and contact next,
3:01
Speaker 1: what are they going to try and do?
3:03
Speaker 2: You know?
3:03
Speaker 1: Like, what you do know that's guaranteed is that she
3:08
Speaker 1: doesn't respect your boundaries. She doesn't care about your boundaries
3:12
Speaker 1: and anything that's going to help reinforce the image that
3:17
Speaker 1: she's probably the victim or she's the one that's hard
3:18
Speaker 1: done by. She's probably going to lean into that kind
3:20
Speaker 1: of behavior. So the one thing that you can know
3:22
Speaker 1: for sure is that she's not going to change right.
3:25
Speaker 1: So knowing that, it's almost like one of the best
3:30
Speaker 1: things that I would say is manage your expectations around people.
3:33
Speaker 1: So it's not to say I've got to be waiting
3:35
Speaker 1: for her to looking at every corner and she's going
3:37
Speaker 1: to come and do this wrong thing. It's not that
3:39
Speaker 1: kind of thing. It's not saying expect that she's going
3:41
Speaker 1: to do something awful. It's just know that it's possible.
3:46
Speaker 1: And if you can equip yourself to know that it's
3:49
Speaker 1: very possible that she's going to find some other outrageous
3:52
Speaker 1: avenue to go down to try and make your life
3:54
Speaker 1: harder because you're not biting the bait, then she might
3:59
Speaker 1: actually do that. Okay. The thing is that you've got
4:01
Speaker 1: to always take it back to the fact that you're
4:03
Speaker 1: well equipped to deal with her. You've dealt with her
4:06
Speaker 1: all these other times. As frustrating as it is to
4:09
Speaker 1: not have a final like closing of the chapter, you
4:12
Speaker 1: still can always lean back on the fact that a
4:15
Speaker 1: you're happy with your decision, and b you've dealt with
4:19
Speaker 1: it every time in the past. It's not made you crumble.
4:22
Speaker 1: It's not like, yes, it's unsettling. Yes, it's fucking frustrating
4:26
Speaker 1: and at the very least infuriating, but it is not
4:31
Speaker 1: shaken who you are to the core, and you've been
4:33
Speaker 1: able to move past it every time. You don't want
4:36
Speaker 1: to be telling yourself, oh my god, like affirmations of
4:38
Speaker 1: like she's not gonna do it, she's not gonna do it.
4:40
Speaker 1: She's not gonna do it. One thing that I would
4:42
Speaker 1: imagine and if she and I'm in my head, I've
4:45
Speaker 1: got this idea that she's a narcissist, or she gives
4:47
Speaker 1: traits of a narcissist. She might not be, but that
4:49
Speaker 1: style of person, whether it's either an emotional manipulator, which
4:52
Speaker 1: she is, or a narcissist or these toxic people in general,
4:56
Speaker 1: very selfish people. One thing eventually that will happen is
5:01
Speaker 1: that she will start to grow more and more and
5:04
Speaker 1: more tired of the fact that she is getting nothing
5:07
Speaker 1: back from you. There's only so much effort that someone
5:12
Speaker 1: can put in when they're getting zero back. They're trying
5:15
Speaker 1: to bait you, they are narcissist or this kind of
5:18
Speaker 1: toxic behavior. They're trying to bait, to bait, bait, bait bait,
5:22
Speaker 1: and then when you bite the bait, as in, if
5:24
Speaker 1: you snap back, if you get really emotional, if you
5:27
Speaker 1: get defensive or angry or aggressive, because you've reached your limit,
5:31
Speaker 1: They've got you exactly where they want you. They made
5:33
Speaker 1: you lose control because they're the ones that are always
5:36
Speaker 1: losing control, and they want you to lose control, so
5:39
Speaker 1: they do everything in their power to make it so.
5:41
Speaker 1: But if you manage to never lose that control right
5:45
Speaker 1: by giving them no fucking airtime, eventually they will tire
5:51
Speaker 1: and they'll move on to the next target. The hard
5:53
Speaker 1: thing is that you know you're such a major target
5:56
Speaker 1: in her life because you represent so many self create
6:00
Speaker 1: pain points for her. Obviously, like she's built this up
6:02
Speaker 1: in her own head, but being her daughter, there's just
6:05
Speaker 1: so many fucking narratives that she can go down. Okay,
6:08
Speaker 1: so obviously it's not going to be something she just
6:09
Speaker 1: forgets overnight. But what I you know, obviously I can't
6:13
Speaker 1: change this idea of what if she comes back and
6:16
Speaker 1: what if she does the same thing, because no one
6:18
Speaker 1: can predict to what someone else is going to do.
6:20
Speaker 1: But you can only focus on what you can control.
6:23
Speaker 1: And the things you can control is managing your expectations
6:27
Speaker 1: around potential future behavior, managing how you react, and not
6:33
Speaker 1: biting the bait. Those are the three things that I
6:35
Speaker 1: would focus on every time, and that way you rationalize it.
6:38
Speaker 1: Every time you start to get a bit stressed thinking,
6:40
Speaker 1: oh fuck, like I just don't one, just remind yourself
6:42
Speaker 1: managing my expectations about this fucking freak show I am.
6:47
Speaker 1: You know, I'm able to not bite the bait and
6:51
Speaker 1: keep things under control, and it is just unfortunately a
6:55
Speaker 1: time game and eventually she's going to tire off and
6:57
Speaker 1: if she gets nothing back. Okay, thank you for sending
7:00
Speaker 1: that in. I really do appreciate it. It's a very
7:02
Speaker 1: good question, and we've got many people that have, unfortunately
7:04
Speaker 1: that have these problems with their mothers, like can't you
7:07
Speaker 1: are a mother? Get your shit together? Anyway, since.
7:16
Speaker 3: Since high like.
7:20
Speaker 4: This, I love the podcast. I'm a longtime listener, and
7:24
Speaker 4: congratulations on the twins. They are adorable. I'm hoping you
7:28
Speaker 4: might be able to give some advice. I know it's
7:31
Speaker 4: to the topic that you've talked about a lot in
7:33
Speaker 4: the past, but I was hoping that maybe a bit
7:36
Speaker 4: more specific advice. I'm at a point now where I
7:40
Speaker 4: really feel like I want to move to or live
7:43
Speaker 4: in a different country. But the main thing that's putting
7:47
Speaker 4: me off is how I would like what I.
7:51
Speaker 1: Would do when I was actually there.
7:53
Speaker 4: When you went to France for a little while, how
7:57
Speaker 4: how did you navigate? Actually did you work when you
7:59
Speaker 4: were there? And that how did you find a job?
8:02
Speaker 4: Like all of these sorts of things with like actually
8:04
Speaker 4: the logistics of it and getting to a point where
8:08
Speaker 4: you can just get on the plane and go and
8:10
Speaker 4: live there. And like, did you already speak French or
8:15
Speaker 4: did you have a good understanding of French? Because I
8:19
Speaker 4: can't speak any other languages and I really struggle to
8:21
Speaker 4: learn any but I really desperately want to live in
8:25
Speaker 4: another country, like just even just for a year or two,
8:29
Speaker 4: just to experience something new. So yeah, any advice you
8:33
Speaker 4: could give on that, I would be really really appreciative of.
8:37
Speaker 1: Okay, great question. I feel like a lot of people
8:39
Speaker 1: are in your position, so love the question. Okay, a
8:43
Speaker 1: little deep dive, very quick summary of what I did. So, yes,
8:47
Speaker 1: I did speak a certain level of French. I had
8:49
Speaker 1: made one of my majors at university was in French.
8:51
Speaker 1: Now it sounds like I would be fluent. Not the case, unfortunately.
8:56
Speaker 1: I feel like the only way to actually get like
8:58
Speaker 1: really good at a language is full submits. For me,
9:00
Speaker 1: full immersion. I think that's the case for most people.
9:04
Speaker 1: There are people that are quite gifted with languages, but
9:07
Speaker 1: I think most people got full emergion. So when I
9:09
Speaker 1: did arrive in France, that's when the real hard learning
9:12
Speaker 1: of the language started, but I could get by comfortably
9:15
Speaker 1: in France. Now I would be very rusty. I listened
9:18
Speaker 1: to podcasts in French and the news in French, so
9:21
Speaker 1: my comprehension is great. My speaking is fucking tragic at
9:25
Speaker 1: the moment. Especially. I feel like every day you don't
9:27
Speaker 1: lose use the language, you lose a word. That's my
9:29
Speaker 1: theory anyway, So yes, I did. I also was teaching
9:32
Speaker 1: plates when I went there. I got a working holiday visa.
9:35
Speaker 1: There's a whole long story. I feel like I one
9:36
Speaker 1: day need to do a whole episode on the random
9:39
Speaker 1: events and random things in my life. But I have
9:42
Speaker 1: my Spanish citizenship, but I temporarily lost it at one point,
9:45
Speaker 1: like conveniently, the time that I actually wanted to live
9:49
Speaker 1: in Europe is when I lost my nationality, which I've
9:51
Speaker 1: since gotten back. But I then thought, well, I'll go
9:55
Speaker 1: on working holiday visa. I was under thirty at the time,
9:57
Speaker 1: and there was like this criteria, very basic criteria, which
10:00
Speaker 1: I did meet and got the working holiday visa, and
10:02
Speaker 1: I went over and I was teaching pallarts primarily to expats,
10:07
Speaker 1: and it was quite just good timing and luck. When
10:10
Speaker 1: I arrived there. I had no jobs lined up, I'd
10:13
Speaker 1: saved a bit of money, I had got an apartment there.
10:15
Speaker 1: I arrived and I got on the Facebook page for
10:20
Speaker 1: expats in Paris, all English speaking expats in Paris specifically,
10:25
Speaker 1: so like, you know, people from England, Canada, the US,
10:28
Speaker 1: Australia and New Zealand that kind of roughly those those
10:32
Speaker 1: populations of people. And it just so happened that these
10:35
Speaker 1: people literally an hour before I landed, and I was
10:38
Speaker 1: scrolling through this page on Facebook while I was waiting
10:41
Speaker 1: for the train to leave the airport, and these women said, oh,
10:46
Speaker 1: we're looking for a Palati's instructors to come to our
10:49
Speaker 1: house or to a park, And just like coach a
10:51
Speaker 1: handful of us, I replied saying, I literally just landed.
10:54
Speaker 1: I'm a plot instructor. Yeah, when can we start? And
10:57
Speaker 1: they're like, whoa blah blah, settle, Like just like settle
10:59
Speaker 1: into your apartment. It's okay, we can wait a few days,
11:02
Speaker 1: but just please message us. We're really interested. So then
11:05
Speaker 1: I messaged them the next day because I'm like, I
11:07
Speaker 1: can't lose this lead. I need to start making money.
11:09
Speaker 1: And then yeah, I started working with them, and then
11:11
Speaker 1: through them through the group and through word of mouth.
11:13
Speaker 1: I started collecting more and more work, and then not
11:15
Speaker 1: just with expats, but you know, there was a couple
11:18
Speaker 1: of French ladies and there were a couple of Russian ladies,
11:21
Speaker 1: and yeah, it was really it was fucking awesome. Okay.
11:24
Speaker 1: So I had a lot of flexibility as well because
11:26
Speaker 1: I was really working for myself. That is what I did.
11:29
Speaker 1: What I would recommend you do is definitely keep exploring
11:33
Speaker 1: your options because if you've got this desire to live overseas,
11:36
Speaker 1: just make it fucking happen, okay, because that's not going
11:38
Speaker 1: to go away. So what are you going to do?
11:40
Speaker 1: You can look at these are the options. Number one,
11:42
Speaker 1: just think, I know I've struggled learning languages, but I'm
11:44
Speaker 1: going to really fucking go in hard and do the
11:47
Speaker 1: immersion and learn. That's Option A, probably the hardest one
11:50
Speaker 1: that's probably going to turn you off. Option B moved
11:52
Speaker 1: to an English speaking country, or option C go to
11:55
Speaker 1: a country where the English is very good and it's
11:58
Speaker 1: quite normal to be able to work work in particular
12:01
Speaker 1: jobs where English alone is enough. Okay. So there's a
12:06
Speaker 1: few countries that are like that as well. Okay, So
12:09
Speaker 1: obviously do your exploration on what's going to be the
12:12
Speaker 1: best fit for you. Once you've done that, look for
12:16
Speaker 1: jobs that are super super super transferable. Pilats was great
12:19
Speaker 1: because in Paris I can't just I couldn't just get
12:22
Speaker 1: a random job working in retail or something like that,
12:24
Speaker 1: because my French was noway near the standard of being
12:27
Speaker 1: able to converse with people from all walks of life
12:30
Speaker 1: in French. Right, there were many jobs that I would
12:33
Speaker 1: have absolutely not had the French that they would have
12:37
Speaker 1: needed or expected from me. Okay, it's not a country
12:41
Speaker 1: where you're like, oh you can get by just speaking English,
12:43
Speaker 1: like you fucking need to speak French if you're you know,
12:45
Speaker 1: customer facing and all of that. So for me it
12:47
Speaker 1: was quite lucky because I was working for myself very
12:50
Speaker 1: much as a contractor, teaching primarily English speaking people. So
12:54
Speaker 1: you could look at likekay, maybe I could do something
12:56
Speaker 1: in that kind of industry. Maybe I could work in
12:58
Speaker 1: a bar specific where English is spoken really commonly there.
13:02
Speaker 1: Maybe I could. But what is a skill that is
13:05
Speaker 1: transferable from country to country? Because if you've got like
13:08
Speaker 1: the full career that you're already in and it's very
13:10
Speaker 1: specific and it's like, no, there's only like two other
13:13
Speaker 1: cities in the world. Bla la lah. Then I would
13:15
Speaker 1: recommend you take a pause on that career and just
13:17
Speaker 1: broaden your horizons and think, what's another random job I
13:20
Speaker 1: could do so I can live out this experience of
13:22
Speaker 1: living overseas. Don't have so many barriers to entry for yourself.
13:26
Speaker 1: Be willing to accept random things in order to have
13:31
Speaker 1: the experience that you want to have. Because I know
13:33
Speaker 1: a lot of people will be like, I'd love to
13:34
Speaker 1: live overseas, but I don't want to get rid of
13:35
Speaker 1: my job. And if I was to transfer, and then
13:38
Speaker 1: they've created the most unique set of circumstances where a
13:41
Speaker 1: thousand stars would need to align in order for that
13:44
Speaker 1: to happen, I'm like, you need to get your priorities straight.
13:46
Speaker 1: Do you want to live overseas or do you want
13:48
Speaker 1: to keep the job you have? Like what comes first?
13:51
Speaker 1: But if your thing is be all and al, I'm
13:52
Speaker 1: going to live overseas. I want you to brainstorm, do
13:54
Speaker 1: a brain dumb and think what are all the possible
13:57
Speaker 1: transferable jobs. You've got Hospitality, you gottomer service, you've got
14:00
Speaker 1: in the fitness industry, you've got you could be working
14:04
Speaker 1: remotely potentially online, so you're working like a job in
14:07
Speaker 1: your country, but living in another country. But then you
14:09
Speaker 1: also want to be in a position where you can
14:10
Speaker 1: meet people. So just do a brain dump and then
14:14
Speaker 1: start working through it, start looking at opportunities. Get on
14:18
Speaker 1: literally the old school Facebook page, because that's a really
14:20
Speaker 1: great place in these countries where people who are you know,
14:24
Speaker 1: not from around there meet people. Okay, Like I literally
14:29
Speaker 1: never use Facebook other than the occasional Facebook page for
14:33
Speaker 1: my podcast and then for you know, a couple of
14:34
Speaker 1: other things. But that is where you will find people
14:36
Speaker 1: that you know, you can really learn from, or other
14:39
Speaker 1: expats in that area. Okay, So that would be my
14:43
Speaker 1: recommendation to you. But if your priority is to live overseas,
14:48
Speaker 1: then you need a list of countries, a list of
14:50
Speaker 1: possible jobs that you can do, and then ways that
14:54
Speaker 1: you would be getting these jobs or meeting these people
14:56
Speaker 1: or whatever. So that was my experience. But I'm really
14:59
Speaker 1: excited for you and you need to make this happen
15:01
Speaker 1: because I think about the time that I lived overseas
15:04
Speaker 1: all the fucking time. It has very positively impacted my life,
15:07
Speaker 1: and I probably will think about it until I'm in
15:10
Speaker 1: my late nineties, so hopefully beyond that if I live
15:13
Speaker 1: beyond that. But it's just something that was such a
15:15
Speaker 1: beautiful time in my life and I learned so much,
15:17
Speaker 1: and I had so many great experiences, hard experiences too.
15:19
Speaker 1: It wasn't all peachy, mind you, but overall epic cool.
15:24
Speaker 3: Third question, Hey, alexis absolutely love your podcast and your
15:31
Speaker 3: Head Noise episodes and the advice.
15:33
Speaker 1: That you give.
15:34
Speaker 3: So my question to you is what is your stance
15:42
Speaker 3: on hiring friends and family? Are people close to you
15:49
Speaker 3: to work for you and with you? So I've just
15:52
Speaker 3: had a friend who's relocated and moved in with me
15:55
Speaker 3: after just breaking up with a partner.
15:58
Speaker 1: I own my own.
15:59
Speaker 3: Business, and she's looking for a career change and also
16:04
Speaker 3: she needs to find a job and she has approached
16:08
Speaker 3: me and express her interest in the field that I'm in,
16:13
Speaker 3: and I think she'd be a great fit. I would
16:15
Speaker 3: love to work with her. I'm just a bit scared
16:20
Speaker 3: about mixing the two things together, especially because we live together,
16:23
Speaker 3: so we would be living and working together, and I'm
16:28
Speaker 3: just a bit scared of maybe just not having separate
16:33
Speaker 3: lives and being really amshed. And also Maye it affecting
16:41
Speaker 3: our friendship. We have a very solid friendship, so I'm
16:43
Speaker 3: not very worried about that. But what is your opinion
16:47
Speaker 3: on hiring someone who is your friend?
16:51
Speaker 1: Thanks? Awesome question. Look, it's very dependent, very dependent, because
16:56
Speaker 1: in general you hear the advice of like never work
16:59
Speaker 1: with your friend or never you know, do this, or
17:01
Speaker 1: never do that. But I see many very successful examples
17:05
Speaker 1: of people that have done that, whether it's start a
17:07
Speaker 1: business with a friend or sibling, or whether it's hiring
17:11
Speaker 1: a friend where it's worked out really, really well. But
17:13
Speaker 1: of course that saying didn't come out of nowhere. That
17:16
Speaker 1: saying has obviously started because there's been many unsuccessful attempts
17:20
Speaker 1: at it. So I think you've got to look at
17:22
Speaker 1: it very case by case. You've got to look at
17:24
Speaker 1: a couple of things, because what is your number one
17:27
Speaker 1: fear Because you said I don't want to be too ameshed,
17:29
Speaker 1: that's a potential fear, yes, because you're in each other's
17:32
Speaker 1: pockets all the time. But then is it I'm scared
17:35
Speaker 1: to hire her because if I am not happy with
17:38
Speaker 1: her work, or if I need to fire her because
17:40
Speaker 1: she's not right for the job, will that destroy our friendship.
17:44
Speaker 1: Will I not be able to do it?
17:45
Speaker 3: Would?
17:45
Speaker 1: I feel so guilty? So what is really the major issue?
17:48
Speaker 1: Because I feel like you think that she, like you said,
17:50
Speaker 1: not even I feel you said, she would be a
17:52
Speaker 1: really good fit. You know, it's quite exciting the prospect
17:55
Speaker 1: of it. So you have to firstly, Number one, you've
17:58
Speaker 1: got to ask yourself if weren't to go, well, what
18:02
Speaker 1: would I do? Would I have the ability to have
18:07
Speaker 1: the difficult conversation with her, you know, issue a warning
18:11
Speaker 1: or issue or whatever, or are you able to do that?
18:15
Speaker 1: Or are you someone that would as confident as you
18:18
Speaker 1: are in all these other areas you just there's no
18:20
Speaker 1: way you would know how to bring yourself to have
18:22
Speaker 1: that conversation with her. Because if it's something that, oh,
18:24
Speaker 1: I will cross that bridge when we come to it,
18:26
Speaker 1: don't don't even contemplate it. Okay, If you're someone that's like, no, no, no,
18:32
Speaker 1: I can have that hard conversation as ugly as it
18:35
Speaker 1: would feel, and be I can do it, then I
18:37
Speaker 1: would consider hiring her for sure. Before you even hire her,
18:42
Speaker 1: you could say to her, you know what, I am
18:44
Speaker 1: considering this because I actually do think you would be
18:46
Speaker 1: a really good fit However, these are my reservations. I'm
18:50
Speaker 1: worried that we're going to get to a meshed I
18:52
Speaker 1: don't want our friendship to suffer. I do think that
18:54
Speaker 1: you've got great worth work ethic, and you would respect
18:57
Speaker 1: to the job and me, and you would do a
18:59
Speaker 1: good job. What would it look like if I needed
19:02
Speaker 1: to pull you up, or if I wasn't happy with things,
19:04
Speaker 1: or worst case scenario, it just didn't work out mutually.
19:09
Speaker 1: So if you weren't happy with the job working for
19:11
Speaker 1: me and you wanted to tell me that you needed
19:13
Speaker 1: to leave, or if I wasn't happy with you being
19:17
Speaker 1: just not the right fit, or thinking that, what would
19:20
Speaker 1: that look like? Does that mean the end of our friendship?
19:23
Speaker 1: Is there a really well thought out exit strategy for
19:27
Speaker 1: us to still maintain a friendship? Would be be able
19:29
Speaker 1: to live together having had this experience of not being
19:33
Speaker 1: able to work together, So you've got to really think,
19:36
Speaker 1: is this a conversation that I can have before I
19:39
Speaker 1: hire her? If you are willing to have that conversation
19:41
Speaker 1: before you HIRER, that is already a good sign. It's
19:44
Speaker 1: really hard to put yourself in the shoes of when
19:47
Speaker 1: you're really frustrated at someone or annoyed or angry. It's
19:50
Speaker 1: all well and good to talk about it before it
19:52
Speaker 1: actually happens. So these conversations aren't going to be an
19:55
Speaker 1: absolute insurance that it's going to be fine, because you
19:58
Speaker 1: could have these conversations and then when shit actually hits
20:00
Speaker 1: the fan, you're not nice to each other and one
20:02
Speaker 1: person goes to the other and moves out overnight, and
20:05
Speaker 1: blah blah blah. But I think it does give you
20:07
Speaker 1: insight into how someone would like to approach it. Okay,
20:10
Speaker 1: as far as the ameshed thing goes, you can also
20:13
Speaker 1: say to her, if we think that the friendship is suffering,
20:17
Speaker 1: what will be the first thing to go? Will it
20:19
Speaker 1: be you stop working for me? Or will it be
20:22
Speaker 1: we move out? Because if we really want to prioritize
20:26
Speaker 1: this friendship above everything else, we need to know before
20:29
Speaker 1: we blow up the friendship, if hopefully not, what's going
20:33
Speaker 1: to be the thing to crack. Will it be we
20:35
Speaker 1: still live together and you stop working for me, or
20:39
Speaker 1: will it be we keep working together and one of
20:42
Speaker 1: us moves out. Okay, that's another question that you need
20:44
Speaker 1: to ask because there's two things here that you're discussing.
20:48
Speaker 1: Is she actually going to be right for the job.
20:50
Speaker 1: Is it okay to hire her? Is it going to
20:51
Speaker 1: be really difficult? Or she might be fucking great for
20:53
Speaker 1: the job. No drums at the job, But will you
20:55
Speaker 1: be too a meshed and it's going to do your
20:57
Speaker 1: head in and then there's going to be no point
20:59
Speaker 1: of separation. I think it can work. I know this
21:01
Speaker 1: is very different because I was a lot younger, but
21:04
Speaker 1: at one point I lived for a year with one
21:06
Speaker 1: of my best friends, one of the Red Bull girls.
21:07
Speaker 1: We worked together, we went to the gym together, we
21:10
Speaker 1: went to every class together, we lived together, we had
21:12
Speaker 1: the same group of friends as well. So the only time,
21:17
Speaker 1: the only time we were not together was UNI like
21:20
Speaker 1: the few lectures and tutorials that you know, when we
21:24
Speaker 1: were away. Everything else we did together and it worked brilliantly.
21:29
Speaker 1: We had a fucking ball that year. We had a ball.
21:30
Speaker 1: We even wrapped up that year when we finished the
21:33
Speaker 1: least and we did a big euro trip together and
21:34
Speaker 1: that was fabulous too. So it's very doable. But you
21:38
Speaker 1: have to allow for oh another thing, Oh this is major.
21:42
Speaker 1: I near forgot to say. One thing that you have
21:44
Speaker 1: to allow for is what is going to be the
21:47
Speaker 1: signal that each other needs space. So when I went
21:50
Speaker 1: traveling with my friend a couple of years ago, we
21:52
Speaker 1: went to Europe together, we had we didn't even need
21:55
Speaker 1: to say it to be fair, but we could read
21:57
Speaker 1: each other so well, and when the other person had
22:00
Speaker 1: just been they're the kind of they're over it. You're like,
22:04
Speaker 1: you're traveling this, you're that, and it's not really, we're
22:07
Speaker 1: not even that annoyed at each other, but we just annoyed.
22:10
Speaker 1: We've reached our threshold threshold. So we just knew when
22:14
Speaker 1: the other person was about to get on each other's nerves.
22:17
Speaker 1: So there would be a look or a sigh or something,
22:20
Speaker 1: and I'd be like, she needs her space some like
22:22
Speaker 1: I'm just gonna I'm just gonna listen to a podcast
22:25
Speaker 1: out here, and she'll be like yeah, great, g great,
22:26
Speaker 1: And then literally thirty minutes lad, we're like, let's go
22:28
Speaker 1: get a drink or something, and vice the versa. We
22:30
Speaker 1: just knew when to give each other space. But some
22:32
Speaker 1: people don't read their friends in that way. So I
22:34
Speaker 1: think it's important that you say, if we were to
22:36
Speaker 1: do this, live together, work together, whatever, we need either
22:38
Speaker 1: a keyword or a look or something or we just
22:42
Speaker 1: say it out right where it's no judgment. When it's
22:46
Speaker 1: we cannot take it as an attack because that will
22:48
Speaker 1: be the beginning of the end if we choose to
22:49
Speaker 1: take this as an attack, where we say I need
22:52
Speaker 1: space and it's purely for the sake of our friendship,
22:55
Speaker 1: I just need breathing space. You have to have that
22:58
Speaker 1: calling card. Whether that be a safe word, I don't
23:01
Speaker 1: care what it is, but it means I just want
23:04
Speaker 1: to be either alone in my bedroom or I need
23:07
Speaker 1: to go out, you know, with a different friend just
23:10
Speaker 1: for that, like, just to get out of the zone.
23:12
Speaker 1: That way, we still really adore each other and love
23:14
Speaker 1: the friendship. These are stuff things that have to be
23:17
Speaker 1: discussed beforehand. And if you're not willing to have those
23:20
Speaker 1: discussions because it feels awkward, do not hire her, because
23:23
Speaker 1: it means that when a really difficult conversation which is
23:26
Speaker 1: a lot harder than these ones, does come up, you
23:29
Speaker 1: will be unable to have that conversation. So those are
23:31
Speaker 1: the things I recommend, and you know what, she might
23:34
Speaker 1: be an absolute fucking blessing for your business. So hopefully
23:38
Speaker 1: it works out. I really do hope that it works out,
23:40
Speaker 1: because that would be fucking exciting, cool beans, coolberts. Thank
23:44
Speaker 1: you so much for sending in your questions. Love you
23:47
Speaker 1: guys so much. I love your questions, love all the
23:50
Speaker 1: accents from around the world and domestically as well. But
23:53
Speaker 1: this was like a global a global head noise one
23:57
Speaker 1: today anyway, that is all. I love you guys so much.
24:01
Speaker 1: As always, remember be kind to yourself, begund to your breer.
24:06
Speaker 1: Before I finish that, all these people are writing into
24:08
Speaker 1: me saying please never stop singing. Because I had that
24:11
Speaker 1: person that wrote that, that wrote that review. It was
24:14
Speaker 1: like one star, stop singing. It's it's a turn off.
24:17
Speaker 1: And then I've had so much emotional support from all
24:20
Speaker 1: you guys being like, never fucking stop singing. We love
24:22
Speaker 1: the singing. I started singing. Someone wrote to me the
24:24
Speaker 1: other day saying like I used to sing all the
24:26
Speaker 1: time and my boyfriend fucking hated it, so I stopped it.
24:29
Speaker 1: And now that we're not together, I sang around the
24:31
Speaker 1: house and I'm like, fucking good on. You love that
24:34
Speaker 1: so much. So in summary, begind yourself like I do.
24:38
Speaker 1: Broad don't text it from anyone, and especially don't text
24:40
Speaker 1: it from yourself. Doug