Latest / DA CREW Podcast / DA CREW PODCAST SEASON 1_ EPISODE #161_ HOST TRIVEDA HARRIS

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DA CREW PODCAST SEASON 1_ EPISODE #161_ HOST TRIVEDA HARRIS · DA CREW Podcast

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1:04
I compleen, I complaise, queen. It was the sweet, sweet
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sweet name. I know it wasn't the sweet sweet sweet sweet. No good
2:07
evening and welcome to believe in the Journey podcast. Happy Thanksgiving to everyone tuning
2:14
in tonight. And tonight I have a very very special guest. This is
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my beautiful daughter Kayla Brown. So y'all just prepare yourselves for this conversation.
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We're gonna be ourselves genuinely and honestly and authentically because that's all we know how
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to do. But you know I can never start the show without going to
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God first. So buy your hands with me, Dear Heavenly Father, thank
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you for bringing us together tonight. I hope that everyone around the world has
2:46
been with their family and friends and it has been a peaceful and blessed filled
2:53
time with everyone. We honor you, and we thank you for bringing us
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together. Some of us this year are spending the holidays without very important people
3:06
in our lives, me personally. You know that you have your daughter home
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with you. I wish she was here with us, but you know the
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timing was for you and your precious and holy name Jesus. We pray Amen.
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All right, this is my beautiful daughter, Kyla Brown, and let
3:23
me just give you a brief introduction of who she is. She is a
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twenty fourteen graduate of Spartanburg High School. She's a twenty eighteen girl be quiet,
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a twenty eighteen graduate of Klafland University. She has her bachelors in psychology.
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She is a mother of one, and that is what we're going to
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be talking about, so Kylo, welcome to believe in the journey. Hi
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ya ya ya, Okay, Now we're gonna talk about motherhood. It's a
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topic that's you know, new for you, old for me. However,
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yes, you know, I had you when I was seventeen years old.
4:15
Yeah, that was not an easy thing because I was still in high school
4:20
and it was really tricky at that time. You know, my mom didn't
4:29
really get mad at me when I told her I was pregnant. And I
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was scared to tell you I was pregnant. I'm grown. Why were you
4:36
scared to tell me? Man? Okay? So one, I was just
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all, you know, I always wanted to be the untie. They gave
4:43
good gifts. I wasn't planning on having no babies. It just wasn't something
4:48
that I even pictured myself doing. And so one, I was into now
4:54
because I kind of thought I was pregnant. But I was like, girl,
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you ain't pretty itt like that. Ain't even that what we trying to
5:00
do. So when I came and seen you did that to educate, was
5:03
like you praynant? Like no. Then I went home, looked at the
5:06
count. I said, girl, you might be prayed, and we didn't
5:10
go about his pregnant. So I wouldn't got a little dollar tree one,
5:13
right, I wouldn't got a dollar tree one right, because you know,
5:16
I just wanted to be like, hmmm, it's just you know, pee
5:18
on his stick. And then it came back past different. Then I went
5:21
to Walmart in about five and I made can't get one? Then I feed
5:25
on them, and then when he got home, I said, I'll pee
5:28
on another one if you won't, but they all coming up post. And
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then I was sittling the now until I did the ultra saying, and then
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what't I seen? I was like, baby, but why were you afraid
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to tell? Because you don't take news that you don't want to hear.
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Well, like what you think I wouldn't want to hear that, though I
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don't know because it's just my whole life. Everybody was just like you better
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keep praising. Well I never said, but you didn't what everybody else did.
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And then you secretly, even though you didn't want me to get pregnant
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young, you still would besically give it it look like, well, this
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is the thing, like I told you and your brothers when I was probably
6:03
in my early thirties. Yeah, I don't want to be a young grom.
6:08
Yeah. I told you I didn't want to be a grandma in my
6:12
thirties. At least wait till I'm in my mid forties to do so.
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I mean, so, y'all really and truly kept that work. But this
6:20
is the other thing with that. Y'all were like, Okay, well,
6:24
Mama, how old are you actually, because we got a long time to
6:27
wait? And I was like, you really don't have a long time to
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wait. Y'all have like maybe eight years or so to wait. That's a
6:36
long time. Though it really wasn't a long time. That's a long time,
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mama. Like when you said that I was probably getting ready to graduate
6:45
high school and I'm like, well, I mean I wanted to donate my
6:48
univers the science. So I mean that's still your story. Word Because guys,
6:54
that shot out to all the moms that's watching this. Man, if
6:57
you're a mom, you you to go because this ain't for this ain't for
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the week. Well let me just take out this ain't for the week,
7:06
my child. I've been here for both. Well, your child is the
7:11
miniature version of you. How much you she clings to you. That's how
7:15
you are and that's how you still are. But I mean it'd be too
7:18
much because sometimes I'd be like Scott, I don't want to hold me,
7:23
Okay, I don't want to be bothered with me. And that's true,
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but you know, but I love her. That's my last I tell her
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everybody. She'd be having all my tea. I don't know what's going on,
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but she'd be. And she'd be with it too, because don't be
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yelling at her, mama, okay, because she gonna yell at you.
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She don't play that. Oh my god, this ain't no regular baby.
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She ain't no you know what I'm not. I'm not even gonna go there
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with that. Is there anything? Okay? I know there was a point
7:54
in your teenage years where you just thought that I was absolutely crazy and hard
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on you for, you know, making sure that you knew certain things before
8:03
you went off to college. Yes, now with that, what were those
8:09
things that you felt that I was just being over the top crazy with but
8:13
you found very resourceful and useful when you got to college. Okay, let's
8:20
see. First off, my mama would always like forced me to cook,
8:24
right like it just forced me to cook, like, especially when she had
8:26
got to the point where she had got sick that like second time before I
8:30
graduated from high school. So she's like, you need to know how to
8:33
cook cuz you're gonna be in school, hongry. You ain't gonna eat that
8:37
meal playing. You know, I thought she was Christy. This second week
8:41
at Clapeno, I called her saying, Mom, this ain't need I need
8:43
a kidchen, like I can't live with this dog. They gave me a
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roommate. This too much, Like I ain't even used to this, but
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now I prefer to cook. I don't eat fast food all that kind of
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stuff. And then like I used to be like, you need to watch
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the company you keep. Used to be like, Mam, she social,
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she don't like nobody. I'm not listening to that. She was right about
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that. I wasn't anti social. I'm not. I'm selectively social. Mama.
9:09
You're anti social. You are a hermit. Like, let's be for
9:13
real. I go out, Yeah, every two years, that don't count
9:18
for nothing. That don't count for nothing at all. That's getting out though,
9:24
Mama every two years is no no anyway. Okay, Well you know,
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don't let y'all don't y'all, you know what. Anyway, I feel
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like being a teenage mom was difficult. Having to go to school and you
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know, still maintain grades and everything and still graduate on time. That was
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a challenge, and that was something that I did not want for you,
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and I did not want that for your brothers, which is one of the
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reasons why I talked about, you know, not having an extra mouth in
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the house to feed. You know, yeah, there was no need to
10:07
have an extra mouth in the house to feed because feeding you three was already
10:11
enough and you eat just as much as your brothers do, so it was
10:16
like having three boys in the house and me being the little kid because that's
10:20
how I eat. You eat like a bird. I don't necessarily eat like
10:24
a bird, but I just don't eat as much now after having Scott.
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What has been the most challenging thing for you really just having to worry about
10:37
somebody else other than myself. That is like my biggest thing, because I'm
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used to really just coming and going as I please, being able to just
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leave do what I want to do, and it's like, I can't do
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that, And then I was also scared. It is fearful. She don't
10:56
need to be outside, she don't need to be around nobody. And it's
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like been my biggest adjustment because it's like I don't like being woke up by
11:03
by sleep, but she don't care. She don't care. I don't want
11:07
to shave my food, she don't care. She think my flate is for
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fulke. She think anything I'm doing is hers. I don't get no space.
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I can't even pay by myself. I used to think my mama was
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crazy when she's but I just want ten minutes to myself. And now I'd
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be like, Scott, please when it when Friday come up, I've been
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packing her up cost seat everything. I packed that the girl you going to
11:28
your T T house, let's go put it in the cost seat. But
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then when she leave, I called my mama thirty two times. Yeah business,
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what's she going? Like? I don't know, but like that was
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just like my biggest adjustment. There still is my biggest adjustment because it's like
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I'll be ready to go, like I'll be like, okay, I'm finna
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get up, and then I'd be like, oh, now I got Scott,
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I can't do that. I'd be like hmm, well, listen The
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other thing is with that being the biggest, one of the biggest us miss
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I know, having her early was very fearful and very stressful because she was
12:07
really early, four pounds and two ounces, and that's a scary thing to
12:13
have a baby be born early. I experienced that with your brother. He
12:20
was six weeks early. And with him being six weeks early, it was
12:26
the nick you came rushing in the room and you know, the core had
12:30
been wrapped around his neck. They had to take him into the nick you.
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But luckily he weighed five pounds and eight ounces. He only stayed in
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the nick you for about thirty minutes. She was in a nikka for ten
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days. It was the longest ten days of my life. I literally lived
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in the nickeu with her, and I felt so bad because I was I
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always question myself like what did I do wrong? Like, and even her
12:56
doctars was like, you really didn't do nothing wrong right? Get to do
13:00
like a birthday plan or nothing. So nobody told me like all the stories
13:05
I heard of your water breck and it's like it's gonna be a gush of
13:07
water and you just don't know, man, that thing was coming. The
13:11
tinkles, and I thought I was paying on myself. But after the fourth
13:13
time, I was like, I need to So I called my boyfriend and
13:18
that he's like, call your mom, call it out. So I called
13:20
the doctor. Boy it's Sunday, so you know, I got a calling
13:22
back. So I called my she thinking I'll be a dramatic yelling at me
13:26
too, Gomerge, because you are dramatic, and but this it was a
13:33
similar situation when I gave birth to you, because you know, I had
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my lama's classes and all everything. I didn't even get that buck well,
13:43
I got them set up. I didn't get to make it word. And
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then I had planned to do me and pregnancy massage. Didn't even get to
13:50
do that. It was done. I've been Patti six dollars for that because
13:52
she was gonna come out needing the jail b because done. Well, let's
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I'm gonna ask you this question because we need to talk about postpartum depression.
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At what point did you start feeling a difference in your emotions and your mood.
14:15
So, yes, they do definitely go completely out the window, because
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mine never even it was a thought. Yeah, it was a thought.
14:24
Well, I had noticed it At first, when I first brought her home
14:28
from the nick you, we were still okay. Everything was okay. It
14:31
wasn't so bad. I really want to say, I really realized I was
14:35
going through postpartum when one day we meet. It was just me and stoyleland
14:41
House and she was about maybe about three months and me and Chandler and her
14:46
had came back from North Carolina. He had to work third shifts and I
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had called you and Grandma to day. She had just cried, y'all,
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Like we went to Ashvield, so from us, that's like what almost like
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minutes to an hour. She was she crying a little bit in the car
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and then she went to sleep. But scholar hates her car seat, so
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she cannot stand the gun. You like you were in there stroke she know.
15:09
So we got her home and I had got her to take a bath,
15:16
and I always would like make sure it's warm. But I got her
15:20
out of the bath and I was holding her and she was just screaming,
15:24
y'all, Like I mean, she was screaming so bad. I was screaming
15:26
over I was crying with like we was crying together. And then I called
15:28
my mama and my granny and they both like she thought, oh, you
15:31
need to get a warm Bay customer out. So I hung up on there
15:35
and I literally I just sat there and I just help her, literally until
15:39
she stopped crying. By the time she had stopped crying, y'all, I
15:43
had brought me a bottle wine, just everything. And the next day I
15:48
was just sad, and it just started getting worse and worse. Because she
15:50
was so tiny, we wasn't taking her outside, so I'm just in the
15:54
house. We didn't have a stroller yet because she came seven weeks early,
15:56
so we weren't even prepared for her to come home. Like, and I
16:00
had a whole plan of everything I wanted to do, Like I didn't even
16:03
want to do a baby shower, none of that. Like I was miserable
16:07
my entire pregnancy, And I think that played a major part in it too,
16:11
because I still have bad days, like even now, I have days
16:14
where I just don't want to do nothing, Like I don't want to comb
16:17
my hair, I don't want to comb her hair, I don't want to
16:19
take a shower, I don't want to nothing like I legit would sit in
16:22
the house with the blondes clothes and really nothing unusual for you because you don't
16:30
like yeah, but it's just it's it's different. I realized then because it
16:36
was like even when Scott would be calm and she wouldn't be crying, like
16:40
anytime she would cry and gets so fullstraighted, like just so frustrated, can't
16:44
can't control it, like don't understand why she's crying, don't know what I'm
16:48
doing. And she's tiny. She was tiny then, so I was scared
16:52
too, like any little moves she made, like I'd be up watching her,
16:56
like watching her sleep, like that's all moms, And you know that.
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I'm glad that you were able to recognize what you were feeling and to
17:07
reach out and to actually seek your doctors, you know, point of view
17:15
and assistance because as a teen mom, having you postpartum depression was not talked
17:23
about, nor was it acknowledged, because nobody takes it serious either, like
17:29
you'll tell somebody you're going through postpartum and not out of ten they're gonna tell
17:32
you, well, I don't understand why you're going through that, or I
17:34
don't understand how you feel, and it's like I don't either, like I
17:37
don't know why I want to get out the bed. I don't know why
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I don't. I'm never gonna say I didn't want to be bothered with my
17:42
baby because don't get it twisted, Like she's attached at my hip. She
17:47
don't go nowhere without me, Like she don't move without me, she don't
17:51
if she don't see me, oh, she gonna spass out. So like,
17:53
don't get it twisted. But it was like days where I would just
17:56
I wouldn't want to be bothered with myself, let alone on her. And
18:02
it started affecting my relationship as well. And that's what really kind of made
18:07
me notice, because I'd be standoffish and mean and I would be mad at
18:14
her, and it's like it wasn't her fault because she didn't ask to be
18:18
here, so I shouldn't be upset with her. And that's what made me
18:21
go to my doctor and I was explaining everything to my doctor and she was
18:25
like, yeah, and I've been working through it. I have good days,
18:30
I have bad days, but it's one of the hardest things I've ever
18:33
been doing because it's like I'm not even like most of the time, I
18:36
don't even like looking in the mirror at myself. Some days I don't calmb
18:40
my hair like y'all, It'll be in a bun for like six days straight.
18:45
I ain't took the bun out, nothing like. It's a work in
18:48
progress. So here lately, I try to get up. We started being
18:52
scotta started this new routine where like, since she's been doing a lot more
18:56
moving and drawing the roll off stuff. We'll be in the living room,
19:00
I open the blunts and make carpella on the floor. That's been helping a
19:03
lot. It's gotten cold now, so we don't walk. One of the
19:07
big things that, like my Auntidy told me to do, was I needed
19:10
to get outside. Yeah, And so when I finally got her a stroller,
19:14
we started going outside and we walk the apartment complex. And some days
19:18
she like it, someday she don't. But since it's gotten cold, we
19:22
haven't been doing that. So I just be letting her taste being around the
19:25
house and I just be running around looking crazy, and I mean it's hard.
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I have a new found respect for anybody that's a mom. I have
19:33
a newfound respect for the women that even be like they can't do this because
19:38
says being a mom doesn't come with a handfuff if you have a great team
19:42
around. Yeah, Like, if it wasn't for my aunties and my mama,
19:45
I probably threw myself like the back of your lips gyming because we won't
19:51
let that happen. Because you know each you can always get in touch with
19:56
any of us at any given time. And that's one of the things that
20:02
I can say I did not have growing up. You know, if I
20:07
was going through anything being you know, emotional or depressed, or are showing
20:12
any type of emotion, well, number one, you're too young to have
20:17
feelings. You're too young to be depressed. What you got to be depressed
20:21
about? You not even paying no bills. Yeah, you got a baby,
20:25
but you not taking care of you, not paying the bills for or
20:29
anything like that. You know, all of her needs are being supplied by
20:33
her grandparents and you know, yeah, you get a few things here and
20:37
there, but you're the main things are being taken care People understand how that
20:41
makes you feel as a mom is well, not being able to provide for
20:45
your child on your own. That was one of my big issues too,
20:48
because I did try to go back to work, which looking at it now,
20:52
I went back entirely too early because she was still young young, And
20:56
I also think that also played a part in my part of it, because
21:00
it got really bad after I left work again and I had started and started
21:07
feeling like I was getting a sense of myself back in my independence, and
21:11
then it got cut off again. And another thing is I ain't gonna be
21:15
nowhere with no money. Okay, let's be clear. Me not getting no
21:18
paycheck, not getting no money gonna make me debrace too, because I wasn't
21:23
raised like it, and I like my own money and I still have my
21:27
issues now. But she's older now, she's all take the responsibility for that
21:33
because I know I have raised you guys to be self sufficient and reliable on
21:41
bringing your own and having your own and having a good nerd. That played
21:45
a major part for me too, because it was like I literally have to
21:48
sit down, and it's like sit down. Yes, I went through because
21:56
and then like I watched my mom do it with three see can't fit the
22:00
list side of her body. So I felt like I could get out here
22:03
and do it too like I and I did. I did make it happen
22:11
for y'all, but it wasn't by my strength alone. God provided the things
22:17
that we needed, and you know, we have a strong faith and we
22:21
have we go to God first before we go to anybody else, and God
22:26
always provides. And you know it's a hard thing, and I know sometimes
22:33
you feel like you don't want to burden me. I try to teach what
22:38
I know from what God has instilled in me, and I know that some
22:42
days it's hard and you don't want to call and burden me with what you
22:48
have on your plate. But as I always tell you and tell your brothers,
22:52
it doesn't matter the day, the night, the hour, or whatever.
22:56
I'm always here because I know what it's like to not have that I
23:00
was tell I'm nervous about really coming out and saying that I felt like I
23:04
was going through postpartum before I did, Like I well, I was a
23:07
psychology major at Clafland, so we talked about depression and things like that,
23:12
and when I got pregnant, I did a lot of research on postpartum depression
23:18
and things like that. Because when I found out I was pregnant, I
23:19
started googling everything, like Google is my bexperience. Google is not the place
23:26
to go. And I keep telling you that Google are you thinking you got
23:30
black cancer? Finna die and it always made me feel like I got cancer
23:34
and that stay off there. But I googled everything, like when I found
23:40
out I was having a girl, like googled everything like. And then a
23:42
part of my issue was I had this set plan of how I wanted everything
23:47
to work out. Now. The one thing I say I should have adheeded
23:49
from everybody was that I was not gonna make it to my d date.
23:52
But I was determined to make it to my do date. My baby was
23:56
born March twenty first, My do date was nutuntil May second, So I
24:00
was like, hey, I'm gonna make it to this do day, like
24:03
because I had plans, like I was already like my whole entire pregnancy,
24:10
I was sick. I couldn't eat nothing, I was miserable. I hated
24:14
everybody and everything. That's because she likes it like I hated everything like I
24:19
was misering. I would like I was so miserable like so when I finally
24:26
got to the point where I felt a little better, I had other like
24:30
personal issues going on and things like that, and my pregnancy just wasn't enjoyable.
24:36
So I wanted at least my baby shower, the birth of my baby,
24:40
all of that to go the way that I wanted to go, and
24:42
it didn't, and I was not prepared like when I got there that Sunday,
24:48
and then they were like, well you three center minutes violated. We
24:51
bout men, you hold up. I even bought my baby a diver because
24:56
everybody kept saying, hoh, you don't need to buy nothing. You don't
24:57
need to buy nothing. We're gonna have a baby, shit, y'all.
25:00
Well this that and the third and then she decided she wanted to come and
25:03
we ain't got nothing. We ain't got a basket that, we ain't got
25:06
a knife, well, a wife, nothing. Well you know what,
25:10
you did me the same exact way you were at your baby shower. So
25:15
that so its history has repeated it so between your child and you with me,
25:26
and so I can only say yeah, because when I found out I
25:36
was having a girl, I said, God, look here, sir,
25:40
you're giving me a girl. I don't know what to do because she got
25:45
grandma that don't have to do some house. So if I can't raise your
25:47
grandma, got you girl. But see, you know what I didn't The
25:52
only thing I could do some phonytails and I could do a French break anything
25:56
outside of that. When I had you, it was like, okay,
26:00
God, I got she is going on to go shopping, she gonna want
26:04
to get her nails done, she's gonna want to be a girly girl.
26:08
And I'm not that. You don't get none there with me. Now it's
26:12
really really yeah, it's really like torture for me. So it's like,
26:18
Okay, I have to mentally prepare myself to go to the mall, to
26:26
go to the nail salon because that's not that's not what I grew up with.
26:30
I grew up with five boys. So me growing up with five boys,
26:34
Oh, you want to play football, you want to play tag in
26:37
the street, you want to play basketball. I feel like I should be
26:41
the opposite of me because she, yeah, she is very Yeah. Me
26:48
and her dad to tell her all the time, like you're a girl,
26:49
like you should not want a Facebook in the floor. But turn around,
26:52
we'll be like, Scott, I don't do that. She's gonna do it
26:55
again, like she's growth. So I think she's really gonna be the opposite
26:59
of me. But I can tell you now, she is my biggest challenge,
27:03
like God sent her here to test me out on all shaped levels forms
27:08
everything. Like the patience I thought I had, I don't got the centerpiece,
27:15
like the the zen I thought I had in myself. I don't have
27:18
why every day I look at him and be like, well, I don't
27:22
know how my mama did every time my mama get on phone first, like
27:26
I don't know how you had three kids, like I don't any days being
27:30
Scott be in the house looking at each other, man how Daddy get home.
27:33
We'd be looking at him like we need space you need because this ain't
27:38
that she done been here before. I will say, Scott is is She's
27:45
a very smart girl. She is very smart, And that is one thing
27:51
that I can say. But I knew that you were not going to make
27:55
it to your do date because number one, you're very very tiny and in
27:59
your I know you feel like you're seven feet tall, and and that that
28:07
that's not the case at all. You're barely over one hundred pounds and you've
28:14
been that way most of your life. So that was one of the things
28:18
that I wanted you to know, because me being as small as I am,
28:22
well heightwise, now, nobody believed me when I told them I was
28:25
pretty like, nobody believed me because you didn't look like you were pregnant.
28:30
You didn't really start showing until it was time. Well we didn't. We
28:34
didn't know that you were about to give birth. Well I did when you
28:37
came to snuck up on me in the laundromat because I told you she didn't
28:41
have no you didn't have no more room in there. But as you've gotten
28:47
through this journey, the first leg, because she's almost a year old,
28:52
she's eight months now, and she's moving fairly quickly because she's already. Yeah,
29:00
because I really do feel like I don't give myself the like everybody tells
29:03
me, like I'm doing very hard on myself because like I be feeling like
29:08
she should be Like, I just want her to be better than me and
29:12
always because you are better than me and so many aspects. And I'll tell
29:18
you why I say that, and I tell you this all the time.
29:22
Anyway, I'm not I'm trying not to make you cry because I know how
29:25
you get. But but well either way, you would still do that.
29:33
But this is the thing that I want you to understand. You are better
29:37
than I am. Because of the opportunities that you had, because I know
29:41
when when you graduated high school, you are adamant about not going away to
29:45
school because you did not want to leave me because I was still recovering.
29:51
Plus my mom was at the house as well, and I was not having
29:56
any of that. Because I packed your hoom. I packed you because my
30:03
thing of it is I was not going to be your hindrance for you to
30:06
be better. Yeah for me though, because your life, oh yeah,
30:14
your life needed to be outside of me, outside of taking care of me,
30:18
because you got me through some very difficult times because I know watching me
30:25
have a stroke at thirty you were thirteen and me learning how to walk,
30:30
and then at seventeen I got sick again that was your senior year, and
30:37
me trying to I lost my speech and then lost the use of my left
30:45
side again, and so that was hard, and that was really tough.
30:48
But you held it in a way that most young people your age would not
30:55
have known what to do. And you helped me with your brothers as well.
31:00
So I want you to understand that even when the times looked like you
31:04
were falling apart and you didn't have it all together, you have actually withsted
31:14
the toughest times with grace and honor, and give yourself credit because your daughter
31:21
was born seven weeks early. She looked she weighed four pounds and two ounces.
31:27
She was only in the nikkei for ten days herself, like, you
31:33
don't look like a rub like a rubber stick. She did not. But
31:44
anyway with her, like she's surpassed the milestones earlier than what she was supposed
31:52
to. So you gotta look at and this is what I tell you all
31:55
the time. And she's been popping back. So she was to where she
32:00
gets the clap back from you know, because she will. You know,
32:05
she don't you don't know what she's saying, but she's saying, so up
32:08
under her, pacify it because she will. And then like let's say,
32:14
let's say she fussing and like me and like, why you gotta have a
32:20
robolo? I argue with the eighth month old, y'all, yeah, she
32:23
definitely willed do that. But you gotta look at this, this young lady.
32:30
Your daughter is very advanced for her to be where she is, and
32:37
had that not been for you being there for her, she would not be
32:43
as advanced as she is. So you gotta look at the overall big picture,
32:49
and I understand the moments where you feel like you may have let them,
32:52
that let her down or not been good enough, because as you know,
32:55
I've said that to you guys. But for you guys, as I
33:00
told your brother, y'all look at me as if I'm superwoman, and I
33:04
tell y'all all the time, I'm not superwoman. I have failed in many
33:07
areas and many aspects. But in the areas in which I feel like I
33:12
have failed, y'all are the areas. And what you guys see is my
33:15
success. So I want you to understand that the areas and what you feel
33:20
like you feel those are your areas of success. And that's why I'll be
33:23
having to tell myself because I am very hard because I feel like one because
33:28
like I've just been in a situation where I feel like I have a change,
33:30
that we're making her cry. I'm not trying to trying to. Like,
33:35
postpartum really has made me do a lot of self reflection on myself because
33:39
it's been a lot of days where I just feel very alone, Like,
33:43
well, you're not alone, baby at all. Nobody understands, but we
33:47
all do. We understand exactly what you're going through because it's not easy.
33:52
And then and when I first came out, it was like I had the
33:55
most part of my feel like nobody was great to take it serious. I
34:00
too, feel like people don't take it serious because I am very old and
34:02
dramatic and I go to the extreme with everything. But this situation has really
34:09
I feel alone a lot of the times because I get frustrated and I feel
34:15
bad because Scott might be crying, but once guy is very smooled, and
34:20
I do. And that's my fault because when she first came home, I
34:23
always hold her. Her Daddy'd be like, I put her down, you're
34:25
gonna spoil her, and I would still hold her and I would just hold
34:30
her and snuggle with her and sleep with her and smell her. I love
34:36
to smell her, and she smells people. Now, yeah, but you
34:39
do that to me. So that's where she gets in front A lot of
34:44
times. If I'm feeling really frustrated, I don't like to come out and
34:46
say I'm feeling frustrated because nobody really understands or I feel like they don't understand,
34:54
and it's like, how can I put like it's days where Scott is
35:00
just like like okay, like maybe like three three to go on. Like
35:05
I end up calling my mama Edward because Scott would just not let me put
35:07
her down, y'all. And I say, in my house for three hours
35:12
with shampoo in my head because she just would not let me wash my hair,
35:15
like she would just screaming. And sometimes it makes me feel like I
35:21
did something wrong because I see other people with their babies and their babies don't
35:25
do that, and it's like, Okay, am I doing something wrong because
35:31
she's so play to me, Like I questioned. I double questioned myself with
35:37
everything, and it's like sometimes I feel like I don't really get to be
35:43
a new mom because I'm just I feel like everybody expects for me to just
35:46
handle it and just get it, and it's hard for me. And listen,
35:52
as I tell you over and over again, parenting does not come with
35:55
a handbook, and it's never a perfect then no perfect parents. I have
36:00
to keep reminding myself that, like everybody's baby is different, and I had
36:06
to, like because one I always felt like because she came so early that
36:10
most like, let's just be honest, most doctors don't know nothing about black
36:15
babies, that's true. And when we first found out that she was coming
36:20
early, they sent the Nicku doctor to come in and talk to us,
36:22
and he just gave us like the worst case scenarios that she was gonna need
36:28
options, she was gonna need a feeding, two, that she could be
36:31
in there for longer than once she was in there, And the only reason
36:35
she was really in there ten days was one she wouldn't keep the mask on
36:38
her face to do the light for Johnnie they kept. She kept having to
36:44
be under their extra days because she wouldn't keep the covers on. She would
36:47
be crawling up the thing, not being under the light like. And then
36:53
the only thing that she ended up needing the whole time she was there was
36:57
the Johnnie light and her feeding to But we ended up me and her dad
37:01
decided to give her the feed into because we just wanted her to come home
37:06
and we wanted her to put the weight on so she could come home.
37:08
But we lived in the Nikki well with her. We would be in there
37:12
until three four o'clock in the morning, like, and thinking about it now,
37:15
I should have been doing what my granny would tell me to do,
37:17
which was go home and get into bed because I ain't had no sleep since
37:21
she got home. I said, what, God, I haven't had no
37:24
sleep. She got But you know, you are doing a very very good
37:31
job with this little baby, and you don't need to beat yourself up if
37:39
she roll off something I crossed for two days and watch her sleep but silent
37:45
secretly that is out of time she do it, and then she'd be fine,
37:50
like I bumped her head today actually, and she'd been perfectly fine.
37:54
But I keep watching her when she sleep everything. But then I'd be like,
37:59
I'm at prom child, I'm an accident prom person. And now,
38:02
God, that gave me a baby like this just was not smart because and
38:07
she just rough. She don't care about nothing, very very rough, and
38:13
she's very dominant like and it always it makes me look at myself, like
38:17
because I don't see myself. I don't feel like the same person I was
38:21
before I had her. Let me just say that half the time, I
38:23
don't really feel like myself. And so watching her be she's so dominant,
38:30
and she'll already tell you now if she don't like something like you're you're gonna
38:35
know very quickly. And I am very proud of that because I do let
38:38
her be very vocal though, like if she don't, like I talk to
38:42
scholar like a regular person. I don't really do baby talk like that.
38:45
So I'll be like, girl, with what you want, what you want
38:49
to do, because like I don't know, like, and she literally keeps
38:55
me grounded though, Like when I really be feeling like I'm about to rash
39:00
out and I just can't do it, I look at my baby, like,
39:02
and then I do feel bad that I've been going through postpartum because I
39:06
wrote my baby and it's okay. Listen, let me tell you something about
39:13
that that's not necessarily a bad thing. And you want to know why why
39:19
Because I really felt like I shouldn't show that many of them well know around
39:22
her, but I want her to know that it's okay. And that's why,
39:24
because really you didn't. You didn't get to see that with me.
39:29
And that's that's one of the things when I wrote the book Overcoming Childhood Trauma,
39:32
you know, I came to you, your brother and your brothers and
39:37
apologized because that was something that you guys needed to see. I didn't learn
39:40
until I got to college that it wasn't normal to me like that because when
39:45
I first got to college, I didn't show any emotions. But as I
39:50
went through my major and learned from what I was learning in my psychology classes
39:53
and things like that, I realized that it wasn't normal to be like that,
39:59
like should be able to express your feelings, and that your family members
40:02
and your friends and everything should allow you to. So now I wear this
40:07
thing on my sleeve where if I'm a cry, I'm a cry and y'all
40:08
won't get over it, like you could get away from me, like my
40:12
brothers will tell me all the time, Like now I consider I used to
40:15
not consider myself a crow baby, but now I consider myself a crow baby,
40:19
and I don't care, and I wear it proudly because it's like,
40:21
just because you want to sit around and carry all that like it's normal,
40:23
doesn't mean that I have to. And so I always want her to feel
40:28
like it's okay to cry. But see, I do feel bad now because
40:31
if my baby feels like I'm sad or I'm crying, she'll get in my
40:35
face and she'll touch my face like this, and she'll really try to watch
40:38
me trying to comfort you. And see that's one of the things that I
40:43
know for me growing up because you know, with my Mama and your granny,
40:49
that wasn't something that she did. So she taught me how to hold
40:53
what I needed in to make sure that no one else. And the thing
41:01
with your granny was the hardest thing that I had to hear was when she
41:06
was in excruciating pain and I'm holding her hand and I'm telling her, Mommy,
41:12
I know it hurts, and if you need to scream, if you
41:15
need to yell, you can let it out. And the hardest thing to
41:17
hear from my mom was she didn't know how. And that's the hard thing.
41:22
But that's something that I tried really hard to let her know that it's
41:25
okay to cry. Now, don't get it twisted. It depends on what
41:30
she's crying about. Because now she just crying because I'm leaving her because I'm
41:32
going to make me a turkey sandwich. Well, girl, I'm gonna make
41:35
my turkey, saying, well, you just gonna have to cry, And
41:37
so now that she could crawl, it's like, girl, you better come
41:38
on and just kids you. But I have to apologize to you guys because
41:45
seeing your mom because The only time I can honestly say that you guys saw
41:52
me cry was when I was in excruciating pain. Was it any other time?
41:55
If I was sad or upset or mad about anything, you didn't see
42:00
that. And that was something that you needed to see as being your mom
42:05
and not being this stone cold hard person. I'm very affectionate with my daughter.
42:10
I love with her all day. But see, I've always been affectionate
42:15
with y'all. I love on y'all to the point where y'all still like to
42:19
hold my hand in public and stuff like that. And I want her to
42:22
be like that. And because you're still sit in my lap, what little
42:27
lap I got. She can have emotions and things like that. But I
42:30
do beat myself up because I feel like, since I've been going through post
42:32
part of everything hurts my feelings, everything makes me cry. I cry about
42:37
everything. And so for her, I don't want her to feel like she's
42:43
got to comfort me as my child, because I feel like I'm her mom,
42:45
she should comfort me. But you're showing her empathy, yeah, and
42:52
that's a good thing. And I want to say, I want you to
42:53
know the reason why that shows that's teaching her empathy, because if she sees
42:59
someone else that's she starts school or whatever, she sees someone else, She's
43:02
not gonna be quick to judge. She's gonna be quickly the stigma of like
43:10
an angry black kid or angry angry black girl. Like I'm really big on
43:16
that. So and I try to pour into her as much as I can,
43:21
even though she's young, Like every day I wake her to have every
43:24
day like we're gonna have a good day. I always Her favorite book is
43:29
Will's on the Bus. So we read Will on the Bus thirty two times.
43:34
We got the book twice, actually, so I read her books like
43:39
not. The day before yesterday, we were sitting in the floor in our
43:42
living room and I had the books out. I put on it. She
43:45
loves the Incredibles. We put on the Incredibles and I just played with her
43:50
and I read her books. We sing her ABC's. She knows her name,
43:57
definitely knows her name. She and she will ignore you if you're yelling
44:00
her name, and especially if she's trying to get into something. You could
44:06
yell Skylart thirty two times. She just gonna keep on back turning you until
44:09
you be like, hey, little girl, and then she'll turn around be
44:12
like huh huh. Else she will hung you will tell you to death.
44:16
And it's like recently I had to give myself flowers because she's crawling. She
44:21
started crawling that seven months, and so I like to keep up with milestones
44:25
with babies. I google that a lot. I have the what the baby
44:30
app what to expect, and most babies start crawling between seven to nine months,
44:37
and she started crawling it seven months. And she's been sitting up on
44:42
her own. She was about about four and a half months. She's been
44:45
sitting up on her own already and holding her head up and holding her body
44:51
weight up pretty much. She thinks she's twenty five. Like she feels like
44:54
she could sit in the back seat her by herself with no car seat.
45:00
She want to be in the mix. She's nosy. I tell her all
45:02
the time. She get it from my grandma, because which one from all
45:07
y'all from ross for granted from you? Uh from its towanna grandma, her
45:14
grandma, don't let them fool you. Her grandma's that was okay and so
45:22
and so like she's just like this fireball of just energy all the time.
45:28
And she really be keeping me sane and like one of the big things that
45:31
I really want to do for her, because honestly, I haven't been I
45:35
feel like I haven't been the best mom because I haven't been able to just
45:37
go and get her all the things that I want to get her and do
45:42
all the stuff that I plan today. When I found out I was having
45:44
a baby let me feelish. But I've been slowly realizing that even though I
45:51
haven't been able to give her all the things that I wanted to give her,
45:53
that she's very healthy and perfect and for her to be a premature baby,
45:59
she ain't want to them regular babies. Okay, y'all play with her,
46:01
okay, and and it makes me proud and so like, for her
46:07
first birthday, I really want to go all out because it's not just a
46:10
mouse over for her, it's a mouse over for us because it's been hard
46:15
for us. Yeah, And I'm very proud of her and I love her
46:22
very much. She's my best friend. Oh yeah, wait, like I'm
46:28
gonna go love with her. It's not her to night. When I get
46:30
home, would you'll be bad for me in the horner because when I get
46:32
up and gotta work she's gonna be looking at me like, oh, Mom,
46:35
ain't gonna work. It's so bad. I've been talking to an advisor
46:39
for a school that I want to go to for my master's and every time
46:42
I get on the phone with the lady, here come my chaw. Like
46:45
she she speaks the sky when she gets on the camera now because she's like,
46:47
oh, like, I do everything with her like she's very attached to
46:52
me. And I've been really thinking about going to work. But I think
46:53
my first day at work, I'm probably gonna cry. You will, because
46:58
I'm gonna be leaving my baby her daddy. First off, well, I
47:01
just left you for kindergarten, and I was. But I think she's gonna
47:07
be perfectly fine. Yeah, you said, okay, you can go.
47:12
That's what you said. But I don't think I'm gonna be the one that
47:14
cries when we drop her off in kindergarten. I think her daddy gonna do
47:16
that. Both of y'all are gonna do that. Her daddy probably gonna do
47:20
it. I might cry on the call, because you know, but he
47:22
gonna cry when we get to the class. He's gonna cry before we get
47:24
to the call to take to go, I said, what to God?
47:28
Because he worse than Well. I want to let you know that I appreciate
47:35
you. I am very, very proud of you. It has been a
47:38
true honor to watch you and your daughter together because it's an extension of me,
47:45
and it's an extension of my mom. Yeah, so we didn't cry
47:58
all over the space. I know. Oh, it is an honor to
48:00
be your mother, to be Skyland's grandmother, and to have the honor to
48:09
watch you both grow together, because it taught me a lot about myself,
48:15
like so much about all of y'all have taught me more than I ever realized.
48:21
And as you guys now have your own children, you and your brother,
48:27
it's an honor to watch y'all and me get the opportunity to be your
48:32
support. Well, let me just say this, you are a fantastic grandma.
48:37
Period. You do it all by fantastic grandmother. And you be coming
48:44
through in the club we don't be doing. And you get hurt every Friday.
48:47
Don't miss a friday. Like, if you miss a Friday, trust
48:52
me, you're very time to get me here for And I be like,
48:55
honey, you didn't kind your grandmother because I like you can go out like
49:00
tomorrow is Friday, y'all my baby nos, Yes, she's going with her
49:04
grandma, like around two thirties. When she gets acted crazy, I'd be
49:08
like, I'm watching the clock, like I'll be raising my mama. You
49:14
ain't come get your baby like you are a fantastic grandmother, and don't let
49:17
nobody tell you different, because like you do it all well like and I
49:22
love it because I mean, you don't care too much about me no more.
49:25
I mean I'll be having to tell Scott like she was my mama before
49:34
she was your grandma. I'll talk to my mom. But see that's the
49:37
thing, that's why she is like that, because you are like that with
49:40
me. So it's like I said, it's an honor and it's a privilege
49:45
to be able to watch you As I was watching y'all in the floor today,
49:51
you know, watching yes, but watching y'all, it was like watching
49:58
myself with you all over again. And that has been the highlight of today
50:05
and it has helped me to not focus on the fact that my mom isn't
50:07
here to share this moment a lot of advice. Like before she really got
50:14
to the point where she wasn't answering the phone, like no. I'll even
50:16
go back to when I was pregnant and I was wadling around Sportmber Regional looking
50:21
for her for like thirty minutes. I really had cussed out to custodians up
50:24
there and everybody because nobody could tell me how to get to her. And
50:28
by the time I got to her, I was just already going through some
50:30
other stuff. It was just frustrated, and I just started crying and she
50:34
just opened her arms and I just laid on my grandma for like to twenty
50:37
minutes, y'all, and I just cried and I just cried. And so
50:42
when I was done, I set up. She wiped my face off and
50:45
she said, are you okay? I said, yeah, Gritty, I'm
50:49
okay. And she said, okay, now you need to go deal with
50:52
whatever it is you need to be dealing with it. She was like,
50:55
you done got it out, this big, biggest U up, move on.
51:00
And then one day Mama was at work. When Mama was at work,
51:05
and I couldn't just gotta start stop crying. When I first brought her
51:07
home, I would call Granny. Now, my Granny always go get off
51:10
me, like how go be calling me with their drama? What you want?
51:15
And so I was like, Grandma, I can't get her to stop
51:16
crying. So my Grandma, my granny literally like propped the phone up and
51:21
said with me and Scott until I got her to go to sleep. And
51:23
I had got her to go to sleep, and she said kai. I
51:25
said, yes, ma'am. She's like, you don't got got to sleep.
51:29
You need to lay down and go to sleep with her. She was
51:30
like, and stop overthinking me. She's like, you will be fine.
51:35
You would do good. And like I'd be missing her a lot because in
51:38
some days when Mama can't come to the phone, and I'd be wanting my
51:42
granny man because she would keep me calling. I would call her every day.
51:46
This probably gonna be a little tell, but y'all know that sour first
51:50
kid. So I didn't know, and I was still bleeding. I would
51:52
call her every day, Grandma, I was still bleeding. She'd be like,
51:54
girl, you just had a baby. You all right? You are
51:59
right? God you every time I come and I would talk to her for
52:02
like hours. I would just be on the phone with her because I was
52:06
on maternity lead. And so it was like I couldn't leave the house for
52:08
real, like she cuts me out because I'd be like, Grandma, I
52:10
just walked up to, No, you need to stay in the house.
52:13
You just had a baby. You don't need to go nowhere. You need
52:15
to be in that bed. And one of the biggest things she told me
52:22
before she passed and before like she had got to week because I was like,
52:24
Grandma, just Granny, I just don't think I'm gonna be a good
52:28
mom, Like I just don't think I'm cut out for this. And she
52:30
was like, baby, She's like, you helped your mom with your brother,
52:34
and you will be a fantastic mom. She's like, I have watched
52:36
you grow up. You will be perfectly fine. She was like, get
52:38
out of your head. Stop thinking about it so much. You will be
52:42
okay. And a lot of times my baby sits around the house and she'd
52:47
just be looking up and she'd just be laughing, and I'll be like,
52:52
I'm really big on like spirits and stuff like that, and here lately I
52:57
met it and she's been talking to my granny because she got Skott has this
53:00
big country laugh, like if you could really get her to laugh, it's
53:05
like my Granny and my Unpepe, and she got a laugh and the other
53:10
mic and she was just looking up and I'm like, what the hell is
53:14
she laughing at? What is she looking at? And she laughed for good
53:16
twenty minutes since she went to sleep. She slept all through the night,
53:22
didn't get up to like her usual life. She still started backing up about
53:24
four. But she's just greedy and I just couldn't figure it out. And
53:30
then I had got all my Snapchat and a video of my granny had popped
53:34
up, and it just gave me this warm feeling like she's got a guardian
53:38
angel with her that just keeps that keeps her in check one. And I
53:45
just wanted to say to anybody that's watching this, and if you're a new
53:51
mom and you're going through postpartum, that it will get It'll get better.
53:55
I still have good days and bad days, and then some days where I
54:00
just don't even want to get out of my bed. And I'm gonna be
54:01
honest, sometimes I don't. I legit, don't out live in the bed
54:06
with my baby all day, turn her flips homosone and chase her or run
54:09
the bed till I get tired. Over. Well, I want to thank
54:14
you guys for tuning in tonight with me and my beautiful daughter as we talk
54:22
about motherhood and y'all, this is really how our relationship is. There's no
54:30
no fakeness or anything like that. This is actually a little censor for us.
54:35
Yeah, so I thank you guys for tuning in. This has been
54:43
a very special moment for me. Also, it's Thanksgiving. This's my first
54:46
moment without my mom. But I got to share this moment with my daughter,
54:51
and I couldn't ask for a better person to actually be here with because
54:57
she keeps me in line. She thinks she's my mama, you know,
55:00
because of course I'm hard headed, as she says. Anyway, as always,
55:09
you know what I always say, stay out of God's business and continue
55:14
to be obedient to what he caught, what he's called you to do,
55:16
because that's all he requires of us. Thanks again for tuning in tonight,
55:22
and happy Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving, everybody. Qu