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Is It Harder To Leave a Narcissist or Stay With Them? · The Mental Healness Podcast

• 0:00
  What is going on, beautiful people?
• 0:04
  Is it harder to leave a narcissist or is it harder to
• 0:08
  stay? Now a lot of people are going to
• 0:11
  have a few different conflicting views on this topic and that's
• 0:16
  OK. That's 100% fine.
• 0:17
  That's 100% cool because No2 relationships with narcissistic
• 0:21
  people are going to be the exact same.
• 0:23
  I think that that's one thing that we can all agree on is that
• 0:26
  No2 relationships with a narcissist are going to be the
• 0:29
  same. It just that that just doesn't
• 0:31
  happen. Cool got it get it good.
• 0:35
  So let's hop right into it y'all?
• 0:38
  A lot of people. So for me personally, my
• 0:41
  perspective that someone has been diagnosed with narcissistic
• 0:44
  personality disorder. My perspective is it's it really
• 0:48
  just depends y'all because this is not me for me to rag on
• 0:50
  anybody right? It really depends on your own
• 0:53
  personal situation. Now, if you left a toxic
• 0:57
  relationship, you know damn well how hard it is to leave.
• 1:00
  Especially when you feel like you tied down to this person.
• 1:03
  Especially when y'all feel like you feel like y'all have built a
• 1:05
  life together. Especially when you feel like
• 1:07
  you've tried so hard and things might not be working out the way
• 1:10
  that you thought that they would be.
• 1:11
  Y'all know how damn hard it is to leave.
• 1:13
  Especially when you have kids together, especially when you
• 1:16
  you've been married, you've moved across the country, you
• 1:18
  got jobs, you work together as your coworker.
• 1:20
  It's so hard to leave. I know y'all feel that, right?
• 1:27
  I know y'all understand that it's so hard to leave a toxic
• 1:31
  relationship dynamic, right? It's extremely tough because
• 1:36
  you, you like it's so hard to let go of this image that you
• 1:39
  might have had for the for the future, right?
• 1:42
  You might have had this. You might have this pristine
• 1:45
  image of what you thought the future is going to look like
• 1:47
  You're like, damn, we're going to be married, we're going to
• 1:50
  have kids, we're going to grow old together.
• 1:51
  We're going to be buried together.
• 1:53
  You know what I mean? You have so many different
• 1:54
  things, hopes and dreams that you possibly had together and
• 1:58
  now they're gone, right? So it's hard to let go of that.
• 2:00
  It's kind of, it's really, really difficult to let go of
• 2:03
  that. It's so damn hard, right?
• 2:06
  But I'll tell people this right here.
• 2:08
  This is what I tell people. Leaving is hard, Staying is
• 2:13
  hard. You have to choose your heart.
• 2:16
  Now, on the other side of the dynamic, there are people that
• 2:18
  I've talked to one-on-one over Zoomed and whatnot, right?
• 2:23
  You find out here, there's people I talked to one-on-one
• 2:25
  over Zoom. They say, Lee, you know what?
• 2:27
  Leaving is hard. I mean, staying is hard as hell.
• 2:31
  I'm like, yes, staying with a narcissist, choosing to stay,
• 2:35
  choosing to go back is difficult as hell too.
• 2:39
  Now, some people will call you silly.
• 2:41
  Some people call you dumb, your family members like you're
• 2:43
  stupid, you're dumb. We cutting you off, You y'all,
• 2:46
  when you choose to stay with a narcissist, you do understand
• 2:50
  that there is going to be so many things that you might be
• 2:52
  sacrificing to stay with this person, right?
• 2:56
  There's so many things that you will absolutely be sacrificing
• 2:59
  and giving up in order to make this relationship work.
• 3:02
  Sometimes you're giving up your friends, sometimes you're giving
• 3:05
  up your family members. Sometimes you're giving up
• 3:08
  comfort. Your support system is going to
• 3:10
  turn their backs on you and what not.
• 3:12
  Like going into it say, like Angela said, choosing abuse is
• 3:16
  crazy. But I'm telling you, that's what
• 3:19
  it some people don't think that they're choosing abuse.
• 3:21
  Some people think that they're choosing to keep their family
• 3:23
  together. Some people think that they're
• 3:25
  choosing to give this person another, another chance, a 15th
• 3:28
  chance, a, a 47th chance that they're going to change this
• 3:33
  time the the previous 45, there was just a trial run, right time
• 3:38
  #46 this is going to be it right here.
• 3:41
  They're going to change. The 47th time is the charm now,
• 3:44
  isn't it? Now, we all know that it
• 3:48
  shouldn't take somebody 47 times to change their behaviors.
• 3:51
  And if you choose to go back to a relationship with a narcissist
• 3:55
  or you choose to stay with this person, you also understand that
• 3:59
  sometimes you have to cut your you.
• 4:00
  You have to like short circuit, short circuit your own mind
• 4:06
  because you know what you're going back into, right?
• 4:09
  You know who you're dealing with.
• 4:10
  You like damn it, this person tried to take my life, this
• 4:14
  person tried to take my kids life, this person tried to hurt
• 4:16
  me, this person beat me, this person beat me in front of my
• 4:18
  kids. This person strangled me in
• 4:20
  front of my while I was holding my baby and I'm choosing to go
• 4:24
  back into that. That's a very tough decision to
• 4:27
  make because in your mind you have to turn off all the fail
• 4:31
  safes right? You have to turn y'all know what
• 4:34
  a fail safe is right? You'll know a lot of people
• 4:36
  don't know that there's a lot of fail safes that are built into
• 4:38
  society that we don't even notice that we don't even
• 4:41
  realize are fail safes. Like you ever notice like when
• 4:43
  you get it to delete something, it asks you, Are you sure that's
• 4:48
  a fail safe? Like you ready you get it to
• 4:50
  delete the to delete a photo album or something.
• 4:53
  It asks you, Are you sure? Are you sure you want to delete
• 4:56
  this? That's a fail safe.
• 4:58
  So when you choosing to go back into this toxic relationship or
• 5:01
  you're trauma bonded or whatever the case may be, you have to
• 5:04
  bypass some of the fail safes that your mind is going through.
• 5:08
  Your mind is going to be saying, Are you sure you want to go back
• 5:10
  into this abusive situation? Are you sure you want to give
• 5:13
  this line cheating bastard another chance?
• 5:16
  Are you sure you want to take the risk of getting of losing
• 5:19
  your life? Are you sure you want to take
• 5:21
  the risk of losing losing your support system right?
• 5:25
  Are you sure? There's so many different things
• 5:29
  that you have to choose right here?
• 5:31
  There's so many different. I'm just, hey, I'm telling you,
• 5:33
  there's so many different choices that you have to make.
• 5:35
  So like I said, leaving is hard, staying is hard.
• 5:38
  Both of them are hard. Y'all?
• 5:39
  It really is true. And what did per SE?
• 5:42
  My ex slept with one of my old teammates and I've caught her in
• 5:45
  bed with another guy. She even had the audacity to get
• 5:48
  mad that I started talking to other girls and broke my
• 5:50
  windshield and busted my head open with a rock.
• 5:54
  She now has a felony. Dear Lord, oh, dear Lord.
• 6:00
  You might want to stay away from her.
• 6:01
  You go back to her. Hey, you Are you sure you want
• 6:06
  to go back and get your head busted up on the rock?
• 6:09
  Click yes or no? You see what I'm saying?
• 6:11
  That's a hard. It might not be a hard decision
• 6:14
  for some people to make, but it is for some, it is for others,
• 6:18
  right? Are you sure you want to risk
• 6:20
  your life? Yes or no, you know what I mean?
• 6:24
  So you got to be safe in this situation right there.
• 6:26
  You really absolutely have to. What's going on, Sherry?
• 6:29
  What is going on? But yeah, I'm telling you, you
• 6:32
  can get stuck in these situations and it can be very,
• 6:35
  very difficult. Are you sure you want to go
• 6:37
  against Lee Hammock's advice and go back into this toxic
• 6:39
  relationship, give this toxic person another chance?
• 6:44
  Are you sure? I tell everybody is there is
• 6:50
  tough choices to making these situations, y'all?
• 6:52
  There absolutely are. But you can absolutely make
• 6:58
  these decisions and you can survive and you can thrive in
• 7:01
  these scenarios as well, right? You can choose to win.
• 7:05
  You really can't. You really absolutely can.
• 7:07
  So you have to make the choice because leaving is hard.
• 7:11
  I'm just telling you, leaving is difficult as hell, but staying
• 7:14
  is also difficult. Like we're not going to get into
• 7:17
  the compare and contrast Olympics that we're, that's what
• 7:20
  we're not going to do, right? We're not going to hop into the
• 7:22
  situation where we're comparing and contrasting the relationship
• 7:25
  and whatnot. Just like, well, you're done.
• 7:28
  Like I'm not, I don't want to talk down on anybody that
• 7:31
  chooses to leave or anybody that chooses to stay, right?
• 7:34
  Because that's the decision that you have to make.
• 7:37
  What you want to do is to write down all the things that could
• 7:41
  happen in this situation should you choose to leave or should
• 7:45
  you choose to go back, Should you choose to stay, you have to
• 7:49
  write this type of stuff down in this situation.
• 7:53
  Who said that, Angela? Actually, I'm about to record a
• 7:55
  video tomorrow with this, literally on this topic right
• 7:58
  here about addiction. We'll check back tomorrow.
• 8:00
  I'm going to record it. I might not post it tomorrow,
• 8:02
  might be posting the next few days.
• 8:04
  But yeah, it's so. Who said this?
• 8:07
  It feels, it almost feels impossible to leave.
• 8:10
  Everything is in. Everything was once impossible
• 8:12
  until somebody did it, right? This is not just leaving the
• 8:15
  toxic relationship. That's flying this building in
• 8:17
  an airplane, that's running fast, that's running a 4 minute
• 8:21
  mile, that's dunking the basketball.
• 8:23
  There's so many things in these situations right here, like
• 8:26
  everything was once impossible until somebody absolutely did
• 8:28
  it. You know what I'm saying?
• 8:30
  So yeah, it feels impossible, but it's absolutely, it's
• 8:32
  absolutely impossible to leave it.
• 8:34
  There are. Yeah.
• 8:35
  I got thousands of examples. I've had to.
• 8:37
  Yeah, I've had to. I'm so grateful I've had the
• 8:40
  ability and the opportunity to talk to thousands of people over
• 8:43
  the last few years who have been dealing with toxic relationship
• 8:46
  dynamics, right? Who've escaped it.
• 8:47
  Some of some of them. Some of them.
• 8:49
  Like I said, I don't, I try not to judge y'all, but some people
• 8:52
  go back, right? And sometime, sometime when they
• 8:54
  go back or they do, I feel like I failed.
• 8:56
  But it's one thing I'll be having to deal with sometimes,
• 8:58
  right? In these situations, you know,
• 9:02
  detach and live as if you're single.
• 9:04
  That's so this they can be easier said than done in a lot
• 9:07
  of these situations, right? Detaching from a toxic
• 9:10
  relationship dynamic can be very it seems like it can be easy
• 9:13
  thing to do. But again, the top of the video,
• 9:16
  it is hard. It's hard to cut the ties that
• 9:19
  bind the emotional ties that makes you feel like you bound to
• 9:24
  this person, right? Absolutely.
• 9:29
  So this is what ends up going on right there.
• 9:31
  It is one of those things. So I think so it's not
• 9:35
  impossible to leave if you remember that you don't need
• 9:38
  narcissist. Yeah, Yeah.
• 9:38
  So that's why that's that's typically what I ask people,
• 9:40
  y'all. I ask people sometimes in my
• 9:42
  Zoom Zoom sessions, like what would happen if Thanos, if
• 9:47
  Thanos was real, right And Thanos snapped his big purple
• 9:51
  ass fingers and your partner, this the narcissist in your life
• 9:55
  disappeared. What would change in your life?
• 9:58
  Yes, you might miss them, but other than missing them, what
• 10:03
  would change in your life? So many people realize you don't
• 10:05
  need this person, right? You absolutely don't need them
• 10:10
  at all. That's true.
• 10:12
  What's going on, Charisse? That's true.
• 10:15
  They don't want to they they absolutely do not want to know
• 10:18
  that they're a problem. So again, leaving this
• 10:20
  relationship dynamic, it's tough, right?
• 10:23
  But staying is tough as hell as well.
• 10:25
  Choosing to go back as tough as hell because like you, you know,
• 10:27
  when you going, when you're trying to go back into a
• 10:29
  relationship where you deciding to stay, I'm telling you, you
• 10:33
  have to fight against your own protective nature, your own
• 10:35
  survival instincts. You have to fight against that
• 10:40
  because your mind is telling you not to do it.
• 10:41
  But your heart is kind of like pulling you.
• 10:43
  Your heart is like pulling you in the direction that your heart
• 10:45
  is pulling you this way and your mind is going this way.
• 10:47
  So you look like this, your brain is like you know, and
• 10:52
  anvil head, your breath, your brain is heavy, but your heart
• 10:55
  is light and pulling you that way.
• 10:57
  So it's very difficult. Both are difficult, both, so I
• 11:02
  know that's why I try. I try to get to the point.
• 11:04
  Why don't judge people for staying or going back?
• 11:07
  Because I know how the mind works now, right?
• 11:09
  I've had eight years of therapy. I've had thousands upon
• 11:12
  thousands of hours of coaching people and helping assistant
• 11:17
  other people as well, right? So you get to that point where
• 11:19
  you realize you don't absolutely need this person.
• 11:21
  I know some some people's financial situation is
• 11:24
  different, right? So sometimes you might be
• 11:25
  financially tied to this person. So if you feel like if I told
• 11:28
  you Thanos snapped his fingers and your partner disappeared,
• 11:31
  what would change? Like we'll leave, they pay all
• 11:32
  the bills. That would change.
• 11:34
  So what would you do in that situation?
• 11:36
  Would you just curl up in the ball and just disintegrate?
• 11:39
  No, you would find a way. You would try to survive.
• 11:42
  You're not going to curl up in the ball and give up.
• 11:44
  You would absolutely try to find a way to survive and thrive.
• 11:47
  You wouldn't just sit there and take it, right?
• 11:49
  But this is what ends up happening.
• 11:51
  You will try to survive. You're not going to sit there
• 11:53
  later right there and take it. You absolutely will not do that.
• 11:56
  You're going to find a way to survive, right?
• 11:59
  I appreciate it. Sure.
• 12:00
  She said the one-on-one is worth every penny.
• 12:01
  I appreciate you. I always do.
• 12:05
  I left him seven days ago. I feel free and weird, but my
• 12:08
  asthma and sleep has improved. Girl, that man, we're calling
• 12:11
  you breathing issues. You have breathing problems.
• 12:15
  He was messing with your lungs. So again, if you were so leaving
• 12:19
  is hard because you miss them, right?
• 12:21
  And you feel weird without this person because you might be
• 12:23
  attached to them because y'all might have, might have had a
• 12:25
  very long term relationship, right?
• 12:27
  But choosing to go back, it's just like, I feel like you got
• 12:30
  to ask yourself the question right now, like, OK, do I like
• 12:34
  breathing good or do I want to have trouble breathing again?
• 12:42
  It's like you got to take one. It's like you got to take one
• 12:44
  good deep breath before you go back into the relationship.
• 12:50
  I'm coming home, baby. You don't want to have to do
• 12:53
  that though. You don't have to do that.
• 12:56
  You know what I'm saying? Get one, get one last good, get
• 12:59
  one last good night of sleep when you go back.
• 13:01
  That's that's wild. You see how hard they would have
• 13:03
  to be right there. Good to go back into that.
• 13:06
  You have to go against your fail safes in that situation right
• 13:10
  there. Absolutely.
• 13:12
  Physically, your body tells you, yeah, I'm telling you your body,
• 13:14
  sometimes your body gets to the point where your body is
• 13:16
  rejecting this person. You know what I'm saying?
• 13:19
  Your body gets to the point where your body rejects this
• 13:21
  person. Your heart might not be there
• 13:23
  just yet, but your mind and your body are rejecting this person,
• 13:27
  right? Your heart might not be there
• 13:28
  just yet, but it takes a while for everything to get.
• 13:30
  It's like your it's like your heart is your.
• 13:33
  Your brain is running. Your brain is running a Sprint,
• 13:37
  but your heart is running a marathon.
• 13:39
  So it's going to take a little while for your heart to catch up
• 13:41
  with your brain. But when they run in tandem,
• 13:43
  hand in hand, that's when things tend to get better for you.
• 13:46
  In that situation. Right there, this overall,
• 13:52
  right, 30 years. So we would have got it for 30
• 13:57
  years. That's a long time.
• 13:59
  You see what I'm saying? You absolutely have gave you
• 14:02
  gave your body the chance to get better.
• 14:04
  Goodness gracious. I'm glad you made it out of
• 14:06
  there though. 30 years. I just I just literally just
• 14:09
  turned 40 last month. I know 30 years is the long time
• 14:14
  it really is, but good on you getting out of there.
• 14:18
  You said I think I got to get a session.
• 14:19
  So yeah, yeah, y'all can find everything@mentalillness.net
• 14:23
  like my coaching, my one on ones and my or at mentalillness.net.
• 14:28
  But check out my courses as well.
• 14:30
  I have a course called Finding your why.
• 14:32
  It's about leaving a toxic relationship dynamic and healing
• 14:35
  after it as well. I also have a course about
• 14:37
  understanding what you went through in the relationship,
• 14:39
  understanding the toxic relationship cycle.
• 14:42
  You can find bothofthose@mentalillness.net.
• 14:45
  And if you want, like there's a 50% discount on the courses too,
• 14:49
  y'all? So you get a, you want a course
• 14:50
  into the code mothers or fathers, right?
• 14:54
  Mothers or fathers. And you get 50% off the courses,
• 14:57
  which make them really, really cheap.
• 14:58
  I promise you, you know, I promise you.
• 15:02
  Right there, in that space, right there.
• 15:03
  I lost weight and my skin cleared up.
• 15:06
  Good for you. I'm gonna do a live topic.
• 15:08
  I might do a live topic maybe Sunday where I just have people
• 15:10
  that don't have guests on and ask them how your life got
• 15:13
  better once you left the relationship.
• 15:15
  I'm gonna write that down now. I gotta write that down.
• 15:18
  How things got better, How it got better.
• 15:23
  Boom. So that's weird.
• 15:25
  A live topic coming here pretty soon, y'all?
• 15:28
  It's one of those things. I went to your website.
• 15:31
  It's very easy to navigate. Appreciate it.
• 15:32
  Appreciate it. It's what ends up happening.
• 15:41
  Y'all the post narc glow up. Yeah, absolutely.
• 15:46
  It can be a glow up. It can absolutely be a glow up.
• 15:49
  You just have to want to you just have to want to glow
• 15:51
  though. You have to want you have to
• 15:53
  warn a glow tag you to tomorrow for or when I do the live Yeah,
• 15:58
  but you gotta message me on you may message on insta take
• 16:04
  control power in the silence and glow up Yeah, baby steps y'all
• 16:07
  to get you where you want to go, where you want to go.
• 16:09
  Y'all be with y'all. I got to get ready to hop off
• 16:11
  this thing with the mid live. I'm going to I'm going to go
• 16:14
  live again. Probably it might well it's
• 16:17
  tomorrow, Saturday. It might be Sunday.
• 16:19
  I'm going to be going to the to the zoo tomorrow with my kids
• 16:21
  and whatnot. So we'll be at the zoo tomorrow.
• 16:24
  So I'm going to hop off this thing get ready because it's a
• 16:26
  long day. About 40 miles of walking at the
• 16:29
  North Carolina Zoo. Uncle, say hey, can you say
• 16:35
  hello? Say hello, You.
• 16:38
  No, you don't know. So what's up?
• 16:40
  You say hello. What's up?
• 16:45
  All right, that's enough. You stole the spotlight.
• 16:47
  Get out of here, kid. Anyways, y'all mental
• 16:51
  healthiness.net for all things Lee Hammock, all things Lee
• 16:56
  Hammock related and also y'all if y'all want to be like I said,
• 17:00
  I'm about to start my literally this week coming up because my
• 17:02
  kids go back to school next week.
• 17:04
  So I'm going to start my interviews for my podcast.
• 17:06
  If you want to be on the podcast, either we could record
• 17:09
  it like we like I'm doing right now or or we could do it in
• 17:14
  person. I literally just bought a new
• 17:17
  camera for my stuff. I literally just bought a new
• 17:20
  camera yesterday on Amazon. I supposed to be here tomorrow.
• 17:24
  So I'm going to start the in person podcast as well.
• 17:27
  I'm going to drop the link for right now.
• 17:29
  You can do it on here. You can do it on here.
• 17:31
  I'm going to drop the link in my in the comment section right
• 17:33
  now. If you want to just apply to be
• 17:35
  on the podcast right here. It looks like this it it looks
• 17:37
  like spam, but it's not right. It's linked, not me go to that
• 17:42
  link right there Scroll down to if you want to be on the podcast
• 17:45
  and just put in there y'all. So we do that too anyway.
• 17:50
  Y'all also also I keep I keep having more things to say.
• 17:54
  I'm working right now to get my series started while I tell
• 17:57
  people stories in an animated way.
• 17:59
  So if you want to Share your story with me, send me your
• 18:02
  story via e-mail. I'm writing scripts based on
• 18:05
  your stories. I can tell your story in an
• 18:07
  animated way. I can do it anonymous as well.
• 18:09
  Just say hey, this is what I look like.
• 18:11
  I'm like me. I'll if I'll sit, if I sit my
• 18:13
  story, and I would say, hey, Lee, look, don't use my real
• 18:16
  name, but I'm 63. I'm £250.
• 18:20
  I got dreads. Go with it right there and then.
• 18:22
  I can do it like that. But send your story in to my
• 18:25
  e-mail address. It's mental illness.
• 18:28
  It's on here somewhere. Yeah, I'll find my e-mail
• 18:30
  address, righthereitsmentalillness85@gmail.com.
• 18:34
  You want to send your story in to mentalillness85@gmail.com.
• 18:37
  I don't have to put your name in there.
• 18:39
  Just give me a description of what you look like.
• 18:41
  We can ride with it there because the first one is coming
• 18:43
  soon. Yeah, the first one is
• 18:44
  absolutely coming soon. I sent it to the editor
• 18:47
  yesterday. I ain't working on it right now
• 18:48
  so it's going to be pretty cool y'all.
• 18:54
  Anyways, y'all hit that subscribe button if you haven't
• 18:57
  already on YouTube and and I'm out.
• 19:05
  How about peace?