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Most Common Borders Built in Our Minds by Childhood Trauma and How We Can Start Breaking Them Down · Breaking Our Borders

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome back everyone.
• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for joining me for another episode of the Breaking Our Borders Podcast.
• 0:06
  SPEAKER_00: Today I would like to discuss some of the most common borders that can be built in our minds from experiencing childhood trauma.
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_00: I will also talk about how to start breaking down those borders so you can have happier and healthier thoughts about yourself.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_00: So let's get started breaking things down right now.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_00: Childhood trauma is the result of adverse experiences during ages birth to 17, like abuse, neglect, or disastrous events.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_00: The trauma can be short or long term, but the longer the trauma occurs, the more effects it can have on the child's mental well-being.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_00: Over half of all adults have experienced at least one form of childhood trauma.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_00: Trauma can create unhealthy borders in our minds that affect our mental health and happiness.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_00: I will now discuss 12 of the most common, but there are many others that can be felt by trauma survivors.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_00: One of the most common borders built by trauma is the idea that I'm not good enough.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_00: When children experience long-term trauma, they are often belittled, criticized, and blamed for causing the abuse.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_00: This verbal abuse can develop thoughts of not measuring up to their parents' desires, that other people are better than they are, that they are a bad person, that they have to prove their worth, or don't deserve to have good things happen to them.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_00: As adults, these thoughts can develop into behaviors of perfectionism, people-pleasing, imposter syndrome, and struggling to have positive self-worth and confidence.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_00: They will constantly feel like they have to work to gain acceptance and love.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_00: The second effect of trauma can be the feeling of being too much, a burden, or annoying.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_00: Often trauma experiences show the child that they are a problem for the parent, a burden to be taken care of, or that they are the reason their parent is unhappy.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_00: They may have thoughts that they are too emotional, they talk too much, or if they didn't have their needs, then their parents would be happier.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_00: These thoughts turn into adult behaviors of withdrawing so they don't bother others, ignoring their own needs, and being excessively independent so they aren't a burden.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_00: The third effect can be that when childhood trauma involves the parent ignoring the child's needs, the thought of my needs don't matter can develop in the child.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_00: They are taught that when they want something, have physical needs, or express emotions, their parent criticizes, complains about, or ignores the child.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_00: These behaviors tell the child that their needs don't matter to the parent.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_00: As adults, this thought can become behaviors of providing for others' needs while ignoring their own, trouble saying no for fear of conflict or disapproval, and guilt when not working.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_00: It is an ingrained desire of all humans to have the unconditional love, approval, and acceptance of their parents.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_00: When the parent is abusive or neglectful, their love, approval, and acceptance is not felt by the child.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_00: The child craves that from the parent, so they search for ways to obtain it.
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  SPEAKER_00: So the fourth possible effect of trauma can be that they believe they have to earn their parents' love.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_00: Thoughts of if I'm useful, if I'm perfect, or if I'm good, then my parents will love me can develop.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_00: These thoughts then turn into adult behaviors of trying to gain love and acceptance from everyone around them at all costs to their own needs.
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  SPEAKER_00: They are desperate to find the love and acceptance that they weren't given as a child from their parents.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_00: A fifth border built in our minds from childhood trauma is the idea that people will leave us.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_00: If a child experienced abandonment of a parent, inconsistent parenting, emotional neglect, or separation from their parents, they may develop the thought that people are going to leave them.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_00: This fear of being abandoned as a child can lead to the fear of rejection, so they will push others away first before they are left.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_00: Clinginess towards others because of the lack of attention from their parents, or staying in unhealthy relationships due to the fear of being left alone.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_00: When children experience trauma, they are shown early that their environment is not safe.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_00: Their parents are not protecting them from pain, so they see everything in their lives as dangerous.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_00: This is the sixth effect of trauma, a lack of trust.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_00: As adults, they keep everyone at arm's length and don't build strong relationships with others.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_00: They avoid being vulnerable with others and isolate because it's safer to be alone than to trust others.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_00: They also have the belief that they will eventually be betrayed and hurt, so they don't see any value in developing relationships.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_00: The seventh effect is that experiencing childhood trauma can make a child feel like they are responsible for everyone else's feelings.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_00: As a child experiencing trauma, they think that if they do something to make their parents happy, they will lessen the trauma.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_00: They develop feelings that if they take care of their parents' emotions, then the parents will love and accept them.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_00: These feelings turn into adult behaviors of trying to fix everyone's problems because then everyone will be happy with them.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_00: They internalize guilt when others are upset even though they had no responsibility for the upset, and they are confused about their compassion being a responsibility to give to others instead of a gift to others.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_00: Childhood trauma does not involve healthy conversations, healthy expression of feelings, and healthy resolution of conflicts.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_00: The child is the scapegoat for the parent's problems and anger, and the child's needs are ignored or minimized.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_00: This eighth effect of trauma is that children learn that conflict is dangerous.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_00: Anytime the child expressed a need, desire, or difference of opinion from the parent, they were met with conflict.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_00: They learned to shut down their feelings, needs, and wants to avoid further trauma.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_00: These behaviors led to the adult behaviors of avoiding conflict at all costs, doing whatever they can to keep the peace, especially to the point of ignoring their own needs or wants, and withdrawing of their opinions, beliefs, and needs to others.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_00: The ninth common effect of childhood trauma is the need to have control.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_00: Childhood trauma environments are filled with chaos and unpredictability.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_00: All humans desire control in their lives.
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  SPEAKER_00: Another innate trait that we were born with.
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  SPEAKER_00: When we are denied some control as children and experience long-term chaos, we desire that control into adulthood.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_00: Without having healthy control as children, we may become adults who have difficulty relaxing, experiencing anxiety when things change, micromanaging all aspects of our life, or experience excessive thinking about rational and irrational topics.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_00: Number 10 of the common borders from childhood trauma is the thought that if people knew the real me, they wouldn't like or love me.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_00: Children of childhood trauma often have feelings that they are a burden, a problem, or worthless.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_00: While they still function and socialize, they have that message in their mind that people probably aren't going to like them.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_00: This comes from feelings of shame, a border in the mind that tells the child they are bad, the cause of all their parents' problems, and if they weren't around, everyone would be better off.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_00: This, of course, is not true, but is a real belief of trauma survivors and is carried into adulthood.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_00: As adults, they will wear masks, so to speak, to try to hide who they really are.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_00: They will try to be the funny one, the successful one, or the one who helps everyone.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_00: They hope that by being this other person, people will like them and want them around.
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  SPEAKER_00: The ironic thing is that the mask they think they are wearing is probably who they really are inside.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_00: But those strengths are overshadowed by the belief that no one will like the real them.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_00: The next border is I don't deserve happiness.
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_00: This border in the mind happens because trauma survivors experience so much unhappiness, chaos, and negativity as a child that any feelings of happiness or joy feel foreign and uncomfortable.
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_00: Think about a time when you were about to experience something new or unknown.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_00: You probably felt a bit nervous, didn't know what to expect, and needed time to adjust to the new situation.
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_00: This is not unlike what survivors feel when experiencing positive feelings.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_00: Joy, happiness, and excitement can feel so uncomfortable to a trauma survivor that they may take on behaviors or choose situations that are going to bring unhappiness just because they know how to handle those types of situations.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_00: As adults, they may self-sabotage, choose unhealthy relationships, have feelings of guilt for being happy, and turn down opportunities that could bring them more joy.
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_00: Humans will choose predictable chaos over uncertain peace because the brain prefers what it already knows.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_00: The last border on my list, number 12, is the idea that I have to do everything alone.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_00: As a child experiencing trauma, they learned quickly that they were not going to have support, they were not going to get help, and if they asked for help, they were going to be more of a burden to others.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_00: These thoughts will lead the survivor to becoming fiercely independent and refuse to ask for help when needed.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_00: No one can do everything on their own, and relationships flourish when there is give and take between the two.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_00: But when one is so deeply independent, it is difficult to give in to the idea of working together.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_00: You may feel some of these borders or only a few or even all of them.
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_00: The point of the borders was for your protection as a child while surviving trauma.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_00: These protective methods have been carried into adulthood because it is what you know, what you are used to, and other methods are too scary.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_00: These survival methods may have protected us as children, but when we continue relying on them as adults because it is familiar in what we know, they can interfere with our mental health, relationships, and happiness.
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_00: So, how do we break down these borders that our brain built to protect us?
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_00: I think we begin with three steps.
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  SPEAKER_00: One, acknowledge the border.
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_00: Two, accept you want to change it.
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_00: And three, reconstruction of the border with a healthier one.
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_00: Let me give you an example.
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_00: If you have the border in your mind that you are not good enough as a human being, acknowledge that border.
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_00: Think about what it feels like and recognize what thoughts go through your mind.
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_00: Trauma is not just mental thoughts, it can also be physical feelings in our body.
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_00: For me, when I have this border in my mind, I physically feel shame, turn my head down, pull my shoulders in, and begin to slouch over, trying to hide how awful I think I am.
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_00: My thoughts are, why did I do or say that?
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_00: I'm so stupid.
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  SPEAKER_00: I shouldn't be bothering these people with my presence.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_00: Next, we have to accept that we don't want to feel this way.
• 12:13
  SPEAKER_00: Many people get stuck in what is familiar so much that they don't want to change.
• 12:19
  SPEAKER_00: After acknowledging that you want to change, you have to promise yourself that you will change and make a plan of how to do that.
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_00: For me, when I feel the negative feelings and thoughts I just described, I mentally say to myself, whoa, those are some harsh thoughts.
• 12:37
  SPEAKER_00: How can I be kinder to myself?
• 12:41
  SPEAKER_00: I remind myself that those negative thoughts are from the lies that trauma told me and not what is true.
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_00: I am a person of value who can contribute positive things to the world.
• 12:53
  SPEAKER_00: And there are plenty of people who like who I truly am.
• 12:58
  SPEAKER_00: Lastly, we have to reconstruct the unhealthy borders in our minds with healthy ones.
• 13:04
  SPEAKER_00: When I'm feeling like I am not good enough, I mentally picture a wall built with stones, and on those stones are unhealthy words like not good enough, a burden, and worthless.
• 13:17
  SPEAKER_00: Then I picture myself breaking those stones down and rebuilding those borders with stones that say healthy things like, I have value, I matter, and I am good.
• 13:31
  SPEAKER_00: That mental image gives me feelings of self-worth, self-confidence, and validation that I am good enough.
• 13:39
  SPEAKER_00: I will put a journal prompt on my website, breakingarborders.com, that can help you work through those three steps I just mentioned to rebuild unhealthy borders you may have into healthy ones.
• 13:51
  SPEAKER_00: Just remember, this is just a start in your healing journey.
• 13:56
  SPEAKER_00: The healing journey is not a one-time fix and takes time to establish.
• 14:01
  SPEAKER_00: You may have setbacks, you may fall into familiar thoughts and feelings from the past, and it may not work perfectly at first.
• 14:10
  SPEAKER_00: That's okay.
• 14:12
  SPEAKER_00: Your trauma was built for years.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_00: Those stones are well set.
• 14:18
  SPEAKER_00: So it's going to take some time and work to tear them all down and begin to build with new stones.
• 14:26
  SPEAKER_00: Be patient with yourself and celebrate every positive step, no matter how small.
• 14:33
  SPEAKER_00: The borders in our minds were built by experiences we didn't choose and were natural choices in an adverse situation.
• 14:42
  SPEAKER_00: But the good thing about borders is that they can be broken down and rebuilt.
• 14:48
  SPEAKER_00: Every healthy boundary you set, every lie from trauma you challenge, every risk you take to trust someone safe, and every act of self-compassion means you've broken down an unhealthy border and started building healthier ones so you can be the wonderful person you are meant to be.
• 15:08
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you will join me again next week as I continue to talk about the effects of trauma and the borders it has built in our minds.
• 15:16
  SPEAKER_00: Until then, I hope you have a wonderful week and we'll try to break down at least one of your unhealthy borders.
• 15:24
  SPEAKER_00: Thanks for listening.