Latest / Cry It Out Loud: Navigating Infertility, Miscarriage, Stillbirth, Infant Loss & Pregnancy After Loss / Grieving the Holidays | Grief, Love, Honor & Life after Baby Loss

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Grieving the Holidays | Grief, Love, Honor & Life after Baby Loss · Cry It Out Loud: Navigating Infertility, Miscarriage, Stillbirth, Infant Loss & Pregnancy After Loss

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Crying Out Loud, a podcast by Chasing the Rainbows with your
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host Bernice Quisenberry. Welcome back to Cried Out Loud,
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a podcast done by Chasing the Rainbows.
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Today's episode is 1. I want you to take in slowly,
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like a breath you didn't realize you were holding.
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We are joined by someone whose presence many of you know from
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the weather forecast. But today, she's here in a
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different kind of storm. Melissa Zurimba, she's the chief
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weather forecaster for NBC News 11 and Fox 9, experienced A
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heartbreaking loss this June when her daughter, Evelyn Rose,
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was born at 16 weeks. And as the holidays approached
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and as November arrived, the month that should have been
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Evelyn's birth month, Melissa found herself navigating a
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reality no parent prepares for, passing her baby girl's due date
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with empty arms. This episode isn't just about
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loss. It's about love.
1:09
It's about the ache of December lights without the baby you
1:12
wished you were rocking to sleep.
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It's about giving a voice to a daughter who never got to speak.
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It's about finding ways to honor the babies who should be here,
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but are instead held in a different way.
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Melissa, thank you so much for being here, for bringing your
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heart, and for allowing us to hold space for Evelyn today.
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Yeah, thank you so much, Bernice, for having me.
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And you know, it's definitely been tough, but I just want to
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be here and share my story and help other people.
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So I'm hoping those people that are going through what I went
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through, this really helps and they can relate and feel not
1:45
alone. So that's why I'm here.
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So I'm super excited to join you and talk about my experience.
1:52
Thank you and thanks and I, you know, I would love for you to
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dive in and tell our listeners, you know, about your story about
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Evelyn. Anything you would like to
2:00
share? Yeah, so I unexpectedly got
2:04
pregnant with my boyfriend. Like we weren't even trying or
2:08
planning it. And all of a sudden I didn't
2:10
even really have symptoms either.
2:12
Like, you know, I've always wanted a baby and of course I've
2:14
always wanted a baby girl. Obviously, like this was a dream
2:17
come true When I found out the timing was a little unexpected,
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but at the end of the day, I was super excited and we couldn't
2:26
wait. We were making plans and
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everything. So we went to our first couple
2:32
appointments and she was doing great.
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You know, she had good heartbeat and my boyfriend, he's a
2:39
firefighter and paramedic and so he works in the medical.
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So I would ask him and be like, does her heartbeat sound good?
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Does she sound good? Does she look good?
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So like he would give me like that thumbs up and you have she
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has a great strong heartbeat. So we went to those appointments
2:56
and everything was great. We did that testing to, you
2:59
know, do the genetics and everything.
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And so we waited on that and then we finally did the gender
3:06
reveal, which was super exciting.
3:08
It was a little tough planning it, but we were super excited to
3:11
finally find out because we didn't know what we were having.
3:15
We gave it to one of my boyfriend's friend.
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So my boyfriend's curve, he actually gave it to his really
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good friend and she kept the secret for like months.
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So we actually did a whole reveal, which was amazing and
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the best, one of the best days of our lives because it was so
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great. He was a firefighter, so he
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actually had his friend die in the fire truck.
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And we sprayed it. And when we saw that it turned
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pink. I was so excited because I want.
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So, yeah. So we were having our gender
3:48
reveal. So we're super excited about
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that. And you know, we had the water
3:54
come out of the fire truck and me and Kurt sprayed it and it
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turned pink and I was just like already crying because I've
4:01
always wanted to be a girl mom. And a girl is something I've
4:06
always wanted. Like, don't get me wrong, I
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would love a little boy, but I'm just super girly.
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And I wanted like that little girl best friend.
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So I was really excited because I know in Kurt's family to get a
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girl is so special because they have more boys and they've only
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had few girls. So I was just like, wow, we
4:26
actually got a girl like so we were super excited and we had
4:31
our follow up appointment that following Monday.
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So we did the gender reveal that Saturday and then we went and
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did our appointment. And it does suck though, because
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we I had work that day. Kurt was actually working too.
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And then we went in and I was super excited.
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My doctor told me how I was feeling and I will say my
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pregnancy, I feel like a lot of women don't always get lucky.
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But like my pregnancy I didn't even know I was pregnant for a
5:01
good month. I had no symptoms.
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The only reason I found out is because, you know, having a
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missed period. And I was like wow, OK I'm late
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and then got tested, took a test and took a couple of them.
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So that's how I knew. So during my pregnancy it's was
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super easy. All I felt was really tired and
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a little nauseous and hungry. So I enjoyed eating and you
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know, all that stuff. So that was really, really a
5:27
good pregnancy. So I didn't really have any like
5:30
terrible morning sickness or anything like that.
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So when we went to my appointment, my doctor was
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asking me, oh, how are you feeling?
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And I'm like, fantastic. I'm like, I'm feeling great.
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I actually wore a pink top because I knew it was a girl and
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I was just like, I'm wearing pink today because we finally
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found out what we're having and it was a girl.
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So I was super excited and he was excited.
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I haven't felt anything like, you know, being pregnant and
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being that new going into that new motherly role, you, you
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sense when things are wrong. But I didn't like going into
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that appointment. I felt great excited.
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I was excited that now we have a, we know what we're having.
6:12
It's a girl and we're going to start shopping for it, her and
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everything. So then we had our like
6:19
appointment where we were starting to like he was doing
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the ultrasound and everything and looking at her and I didn't
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even really notice he was struggling.
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Like, I just thought maybe she was, like, sleeping because our
6:34
last appointment, she was like, laying there and you, like, got
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her to move and, like, pushed on my belly and she started moving.
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So I thought maybe she was sleeping and she's taking after
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me because I'm not a morning person.
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I'm more of that night owl. So I just thought maybe she was
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sleeping. And then he just kind of kept
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taking a while, like, to find, you know, the heartbeat and
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stuff. And then finally he just stopped
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and he was just like, I can't find her heartbeat.
7:04
Yeah, I like, you know, hearing those words were the worst
7:11
things. Like, you go into your
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appointment super excited to see your baby and be happy.
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And I finally found out I was having the girl I always wanted.
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And then to get that, you can't find her heartbeat was really
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just gut retching. Like I just felt like somebody
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just like, punched me or like, hurt me in the stomach.
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It just felt terrible. But still, even in that moment I
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will say like I was still positive.
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Like I honestly thought it's fine.
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Like we live in Yuma, we're a small town so we had to go
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somewhere else to get a more detailed ultrasound.
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So we went somewhere else that day.
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We had to wait a couple of hours actually, and that was awful.
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Like I Remember Me and my boyfriend were just sitting on
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the couch crying, waiting. And I'm like, I think, is she
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OK? Do you think she's OK?
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Like she has to be OK Because I was getting bigger and, you
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know, everyone was noticing that my stomach was growing and I was
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getting bigger. So I didn't think anything was
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wrong. So we went to that appointment
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and I was waiting and we're and I was just already crying before
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we went into that more detailed ultrasound.
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That's the place we go to. Like when you hit that 20 weeks
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mark. So we are waiting.
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And then as soon as the nurse came in, she even told me she
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was, we talked to your doctor. I just want to prepare you now
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that you most likely won't hear a heartbeat and we're not going
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to get that. So she kind of already prepared
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me in a way, but part of me just didn't think it was real.
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And I just kept thinking, no, no, like you're going to find
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it. And she looked and then the
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doctor came in, was able to like look at Evelyn and more details
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because I'm like, what could have happened?
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Because that's something that when you're you've never been
9:00
pregnant before, I didn't even think, you know, I never tried
9:04
to get pregnant. So like to actually get pregnant
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and have a baby inside, you know, my belly, like I never
9:13
thought that could happen. And it did.
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So I was really excited and happy.
9:17
And then to have that taken from me just really hurts.
9:21
And having the doctor, like, look at her and take like, you
9:25
know, the more detailed pictures.
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Yeah, unfortunately, like, they kept telling me that I didn't do
9:32
anything wrong. But still, you blame yourself.
9:35
You still think. You still think.
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And then it just is unfortunate because I didn't feel anything,
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like most or most and even a lot of women, like, feel that
9:47
something's wrong or they get bleeding or they get really bad
9:50
cramping. I had none of that.
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So that's just what's weird. Like going to this appointment,
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it's like completely blindsided. Like, you know, I didn't even
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know like I felt great. No crampings, no bleeding.
10:04
Like I will say the whole time I was pregnant, anytime I went to
10:07
the restroom, that was like the thing I always looked for is to
10:10
make sure I wasn't bleeding. That was just something I was
10:13
always paranoid about and I just looked and made sure and going
10:17
to this appointment, I was just, we were shocked, very shocked,
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and I didn't know how to deal with it because you never think
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it's going to happen to you until it does.
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And it's just a whole new world. Yes, yeah.
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You see life out of a different lens, Melissa, It's so true.
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And you like most of the time everyone focuses on those first
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12 weeks, right? They're like, if you get through
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those first 12 weeks, all those things, right?
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And then to get past them and it's still horrific anytime, any
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stage and age of your baby losing them is horrific.
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And you get past the clear mark. And a lot of times, you know,
10:57
the late term baby loss and things like that, you know,
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aren't talked about, you know, aren't as they should be.
11:05
Yeah. So like I, yeah, we thought we
11:08
were in that safe zone. Like we made it to that second
11:12
trimester was the early part. But still we made it that far.
11:15
And I thought we were good like and not having any symptoms or
11:20
anything. Like I felt very strong and
11:24
confident about everything. And so to go in that appointment
11:27
and be happy and not know anything's wrong and then hear
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the doctor say she's gone and can't find her heartbeat, it
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just, it still doesn't make sense to me till this day.
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Like I'm still very confused. And even even though like they
11:45
say it's not your fault, I feel like maybe I could have done
11:47
something better. Maybe I should have eaten
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better. Because I will say, being
11:51
pregnant, I enjoy pigging out because I'm kind of one of those
11:55
people, like who tries to watch what I eat and, you know, be
11:58
kind of careful. So I really enjoyed everything.
12:02
And she was my friend. She's my best friend.
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And you know, having her in my belly, like I've always felt not
12:09
alone. She was always there if I was
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having a good day, bad day, or I was emotional, like she was
12:16
always there for me. I just touched my belly and I
12:19
was just like, she's here. Like she's in there.
12:21
And then when we went to the doctor and found out, she was
12:25
gone. Like the whole process, they
12:26
don't prepare you for either. Like they were like, OK, you
12:31
got, I had to go back to my doctor and make a plan.
12:33
And I was like telling my boyfriend I'm like a plan.
12:36
I'm like, what do you mean? He's like, we have to get her
12:39
out. And I was like, didn't even
12:42
think about that. And we live in a smaller town,
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so it does suck because we had to wait a couple of days before.
12:52
So we found out we lost her and then we had to wait a couple of
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days. Yeah.
13:00
And I am going to go back and talk about kind of what went
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wrong and I guess if you want to call it that.
13:09
Because, yeah, like when I asked what was wrong and what
13:11
happened, they said not my fault.
13:14
I guess she just, they think she was like either stopped growing
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because she was measuring 14 weeks.
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So I carried her for 16 weeks and she was measuring 14.
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So she was little and they were like, she either stopped growing
13:30
and she finally passed or she just passed.
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Like they think I could have possibly still held her for two
13:40
weeks dead. Hearing that is really upsetting
13:43
too, because it's like it's still early.
13:46
You can't feel anything. And it's so unfortunate.
13:50
But yeah, that, yeah, it was just some, I guess one of those
13:54
genetic things. So it's just she was missing a
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chromosome and she just didn't make it.
14:00
So they're like, it's nothing me or Kurt had genetically or
14:04
anything like that. It was just what my doctor told
14:07
me that was really helped me understand was just, it's just
14:11
science. It's just was doing its thing
14:13
and it just didn't line up. And that helped me kind of
14:17
understand because for a while I just kept asking my boyfriend
14:20
like, what exactly happened? I don't understand.
14:24
And so they kind of helped me understand, like, not your
14:27
fault. It's just some type of genetic
14:30
thing that it's nothing you did or Kurt did.
14:33
It's just didn't line up and she just passed.
14:36
And that was really still hard. Like till this day like, I still
14:41
can't accept it. Yeah.
14:45
Like it's just, I know. We never get those answers fully
14:52
and there's not enough research, there's not enough, you know,
14:55
around this to understand what causes it or, you know, to tell
15:01
us exactly what it is and how even just to know, you know,
15:05
'cause those feelings of shame, blame and guilt we do as birth
15:09
Mamas, you know, as like holding our babies and you know, our
15:13
when our bodies don't do the one thing that we're supposed to do
15:16
and it happens in a loss like this and it's traumatic and
15:20
losing her babies. It's so hard to live with and
15:23
understand. Yeah.
15:25
And I remember like we finally decided what we were going to do
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and we were just going to go to the hospital and birth her
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instead of because like I, I wanted to still see her and
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spend time with her because like all the options they gave, there
15:39
was like 3 options and me and my boyfriend just didn't like any
15:42
of those. And I'm like it's going to be
15:44
tough to go through that. But till this day I don't regret
15:49
that because I actually got to see her, hold her, take
15:51
pictures, spend time with her. And the nurses were so nice.
15:55
They let her stay with us on an ice pack all night and she slept
15:59
by me till that day. Like I just wish she was still
16:04
here. Like even though she's not alive
16:07
like I told my boyfriend I was like I just wish I could still
16:09
just carry her little body with me even if she was dead.
16:12
I know that probably sounds crazy but just the fact that she
16:16
would still be here. Like waking up to her even
16:19
though she wasn't alive, just having her next to me looking at
16:23
her and touching her I was. It felt comforting because she's
16:26
my baby, so. I know our, our our arms ache
16:33
without our babies here with us right at any stage or age.
16:36
And so, like we want nothing more than to just hold them and
16:39
have them. Yeah, Melissa.
16:43
I just, I really, it's probably because it's still new.
16:47
Like it just happened in June of this year.
16:49
So it's still fresh. But at the same time, like
16:53
everyone keeps telling me like I am going to therapy and I'm
16:56
trying, you know, to help myself and take time and heal and but
17:04
everyone keeps telling me it's going to get easier.
17:07
But I just don't see that being true.
17:10
I don't know it's just because it's fresh or what, but it's
17:14
just that's the one thing everyone says is like, it will
17:16
get easier. I know it doesn't seem that way,
17:18
but eventually you will cope. You will never forget her, but
17:23
you will learn to just live with it and deal with it.
17:26
And I don't know, I just my heart.
17:29
I just still can't. Yeah, I, I don't know.
17:34
It's just, it's just, it's a terrible situation.
17:36
And when it all happened, and I finally, because like, you know,
17:41
I work in news. So on Mother's Day, I announced
17:45
that I was going to be a mom because I thought that was going
17:47
to be a good time for my viewers.
17:50
Because I was like, they got to know because they're going to
17:52
know I'm getting big. And I'm like, I don't want him
17:54
to think I'm just, you know, gaining some weight.
17:56
And I wanted to know. So I picked Mother's Day to say
18:00
like, I would be a mom. So that was a really special
18:04
moment. And then after like some months
18:08
went by, like then I just disappeared.
18:10
I didn't go to work after everything happened.
18:12
I took that three month off to just recover just to kind of be
18:19
ready because it's like I have, you know, I have a hard job
18:22
where it's like I got to go on TV and look happy all the time
18:25
and do my hair and makeup. So that was really tough.
18:28
So I was like, I'm taking my time off.
18:30
So I took that three month period off and just really
18:33
focused on myself. If I want to just lay in bed.
18:36
I did cried. So I did all of that and after
18:44
like I finally shared my story because a lot of people were
18:46
like, where is she? She just one day she was on air
18:49
and the next day she was gone. And it was so unexpected.
18:52
It's like I was had my gender reveal planning to go to work
18:56
that day on that Monday after my appointment.
19:00
And then I just never came back. So that was really hard to not
19:05
just for me, but to share with my viewers and people and to
19:08
just like, you know, I had to make a post and just like share
19:12
and say like this is what happened.
19:14
I'm going to be gone for a little bit and it just sucks
19:19
because once I finally explained a little bit on little bit of
19:22
the story and what happened, people, more people kept
19:28
reaching out to me and my boyfriend Kurt and telling us
19:31
like this happened to me. And me and Kurt were so
19:34
surprised with how common this is.
19:38
And it's just so crazy that nobody talks about it.
19:42
And that's kind of why I built that strength to talk about it
19:47
and share because I'm like, I feel like this deserves
19:50
attention. This needs to be talked about
19:52
more. And This is why I'm here, and
19:56
This is why I keep trying to spread more awareness is 'cause
20:00
I just want more people to feel comfortable talking about it,
20:03
'cause the numbers. And everything, like I did have
20:06
our news do a special story and me and Kurt actually did an
20:10
interview and talked about our story to all of our people here
20:13
in town. And it's just crazy how so many
20:17
people continue to say thank you for sharing your story that
20:20
helped me. Or I went through the same
20:23
thing, or I went for something similar.
20:26
And it's just crazy how nobody says anything.
20:30
Yes, it's, you know, when we're going through these losses and
20:33
hearing one and four, it's like that isn't really comforting,
20:37
but it's like it kind of is knowing that, OK, where are
20:40
they? Like where are those one and
20:42
four? And that's, you know, why we
20:43
have a community here at Chasing the Rainbows for everyone to
20:46
unite because it's so important. It's because if not, you know,
20:52
it was really hard grieving alone and feeling that
20:54
loneliness, right, and isolation that all of us have felt at one
20:58
point or another. So having that community is so
21:00
important, behind you and beside you to carry you when the grief
21:04
is heavy and overwhelming, which it is for a while.
21:08
You know, for me at least, I should say it was for a while.
21:11
I guess I had complicated grief is what it's called.
21:14
But yeah, Melissa, I feel you so much on all of this.
21:18
Yeah, and it's just, it's just such an eye opener when it
21:23
happens to you because you just never think about any of this.
21:27
And it's just crazy that I was so happy.
21:29
And then to tell my parents and family and friends and they were
21:33
just like, what? Because they, my mom literally
21:36
just saw me for our gender reveal And she was like, you're
21:38
getting bigger. You look good.
21:40
And then to call her that following Monday and tell her
21:44
that she's gone. It's just so unfortunate because
21:47
we finally found out we're having a girl and we were
21:50
starting to plan now. We missed out on all of those
21:54
great opportunities. Like even picking her name.
21:58
I had no names picked out. Like I thought I had my whole
22:01
pregnancy to pick out a name and I know a lot of women have their
22:06
names already kind of picked out and their dream names.
22:09
I wasn't one of those. I actually was like, I'm going
22:12
to wait till the moment, kind of just go through that my
22:16
pregnancy and pick and then when I hold her, I'll know.
22:20
But I didn't have time. We only had those two days.
22:23
Like we had to wait two days before we could actually have
22:26
her and just two days to plan what?
22:30
Everyone has months to find that special name.
22:34
Yeah. But I will say I saw her name on
22:38
TikTok a lot. And I don't know why I always
22:40
liked it. And I kept going back and forth
22:45
with her name. And then I looked up the meaning
22:49
of it. And the meaning is like, I read
22:52
there was like wished for. And it's just so crazy to me
22:54
because she's something I've always wished for and wanted my
22:57
whole life because I'm actually in my 30s and I'm like, this is
23:00
my time where I'm like, even in my 20s, I've always wanted a
23:03
baby. And it's just being a mom is
23:07
always something I've always wanted.
23:08
And people who do know me know when I said I was pregnant,
23:12
they're we're excited because this is what you always wanted.
23:14
I'm like, yeah. So getting her was just a the
23:18
wish I always wanted and it just really sucks that she was taken
23:22
because it's just very unfortunate too because my
23:24
boyfriend and me our relationship was also kind of
23:27
new too. So we got pregnant in a new
23:30
relationship. But I remember the night before
23:34
we went to our appointment, I told my boyfriend I'm like you
23:38
and this baby are the best things that's ever happened to
23:41
me and it's all I've ever wanted.
23:43
Like that night, I, that's literally what I told him and
23:47
then to go the next day. And then it was just taken for
23:49
me. I, it still doesn't make sense
23:51
to me. It's like, why would I hold her
23:54
for that long? Why didn't she go sooner?
23:59
It's just those you have all those questions that you just
24:02
never get answers to. Yes.
24:06
And it's really hard to process and deal and live with and learn
24:09
how to live with and to a point, you know, where we have to find
24:13
the comfort. We have to find, you know, like
24:17
we processed it enough. We, you know, discussed it from
24:20
all angles. You know, I don't know how many
24:23
times I felt like I needed to ask questions, just medical
24:25
questions to my doctor about different things to figure stuff
24:28
out just because we want those answers.
24:30
These are our babies, you know, And for us to continue to live a
24:34
life without them in our arms, you know, we have to do whatever
24:36
we have to do to find that comfort.
24:41
Yeah, and I just feel like it's still never enough.
24:44
No, no, Melissa. No.
24:46
I know those Google deep dives staying up late doing, you know,
24:50
looking for things. Yeah, yeah.
24:55
And it's just, I would never want this to happen to anybody.
25:01
Like not even my worst enemy. I would never want them to go
25:05
through this because it's just awful.
25:07
It's just this is the most exciting, special moment in your
25:10
life. And then things happen and now
25:14
it just triggers even more things that I'm worried about.
25:17
Now, if I do decide to, you know, try for another baby one
25:22
day, I'm going to be paranoid. I feel like this pregnancy I had
25:26
with Evelyn, I was excited. I love being pregnant.
25:29
I couldn't wait for my stomach to get bigger.
25:31
I kept saying I wish it gets bigger.
25:33
So when I finally started growing, I was excited.
25:36
So now I feel like if I do that again, I'm just not going to
25:40
enjoy it. I'm just going to be scared,
25:43
like, oh, is she OK? Is she OK?
25:45
Like every appointment, I'm going to be nervous versus
25:47
excited. It just takes the joy out of
25:50
something that is supposed to be joyful.
25:53
Yeah. I don't know how I'm going to
25:54
cope with that or how anyone copes with that.
25:57
Yes, that bliss afterwards and everything, it's right.
26:00
It's completely robbed of us. And that's why we hold space for
26:03
pregnancy after loss support groups because then people can
26:05
come in and talk about it 'cause we're reliving our traumas all
26:08
over again. And it's hard not to.
26:10
Every appointment, every time we go to the bathroom, you know,
26:14
and, and trying to, you know, for nine months and now knowing
26:20
how common this is and everything too.
26:23
It's like I said, not comforting earlier.
26:25
And this is one of those situations, pregnancy after
26:27
loss, to know, you know, is this going to happen again?
26:30
There's no guarantee. And we've already, yeah.
26:33
And it's unfortunate too because like people who don't go through
26:39
it just don't understand. And I hate saying that because I
26:43
don't want them to go through it, but it just people don't
26:46
realize what we feel every day. Like I know just driving to work
26:50
or getting ready for work, I just start crying or just get
26:53
emotional and it's just a pain that just you carry with.
26:56
And I just feel so heavy all the time and empty.
26:59
And it's just those things that a lot of people don't realize.
27:02
Like they'll look at me like, oh, she looks happy, she looks
27:06
good. But really it's like, no, do you
27:07
realize the pain inside that? I'm, I'm literally probably, if
27:11
you look inside me, I'm probably always crying and hurt.
27:15
It's just those things. And I hate sometimes being happy
27:19
too, because I don't want to be happy without my sleeping.
27:23
That's another thing is I feel guilty trying to be happy and I
27:29
know she would want me to be happy.
27:31
Yes, yes, Melissa, yes, you do. Because I, I know I felt the
27:35
same way. Like I almost like my sadness
27:37
was a connection to her, right. And like I felt like if I was
27:41
happy, that means that I'm getting over her and I wasn't
27:43
getting over her. And nor do I think we ever do.
27:46
It's, you know, we just learn to live with and continue to move
27:49
forward, but with them in a different way.
27:52
And it's like, but you do you feel like a shell of a person.
27:55
Like the first year I didn't, I can't really remember anything
27:58
that happened that first year after losing our baby.
28:01
And just like, like I know I was present at different things, but
28:04
you're a shell of a like inside. It's just like so much pain and
28:09
from, you know, traumatically losing our babies.
28:13
Yeah, until this day, like I still can't accept it.
28:17
Like I still don't think it's real.
28:18
Like having those reminders. That's the worst too, is you
28:22
always have a reminder. Like I went to my last therapy
28:27
appointment last week and they were like on my chart, they just
28:31
were asking like, because they always take my blood pressure
28:34
and everything before I go in. And then they a question popped
28:37
up for them to ask me and they were like, are you
28:40
breastfeeding? And I'm like, no.
28:44
So it's like you're always getting those reminders every
28:46
single day that people don't realize.
28:48
And it's just sometimes I'm like, I want it to end, but then
28:53
I don't want it to end because I feel like, you know, you want to
28:57
have those moments to always remember and think about your
29:01
baby, you know, So having those you're like, you always remember
29:05
and think about it, but that same time it brings back all the
29:08
negative things, you know, So it's just, and then another hard
29:15
thing is like seeing everyone else have babies or announcing
29:20
their pregnancy. And it's like I feel like when
29:23
you're your experience happened, you lost your baby.
29:27
I feel like you just see more of those pregnancy announcements
29:31
and people having their babies. Like I feel like ever since my
29:36
experience and I lost Evelyn, I feel like that's always what I'm
29:40
seeing the other person's pregnant.
29:42
I don't even know these people. Like, you know, it's just on
29:44
your feet. You just get them.
29:46
And it's just like torturing me sometimes.
29:48
But it's hard to stay off and it's just all the time.
29:53
It's just there's a reminder and it's it's hard to deal with
29:56
every single day. Yes, I'm still trying to figure
30:00
it out. Yes, I know it.
30:03
You know, I look at the timeline in life, like my life's timeline
30:07
and say, you know, there's OK, was this before or after Brooke?
30:11
Like is what I do. And it's interesting because
30:13
there's such a distinction. Like, you know, it's almost
30:17
like, yeah, just that hard line in the sand because, like, this
30:21
was who I was before, and she completely changed me.
30:23
And now this is who I am today. And I'll never get that person
30:27
back. And I think that was also a
30:28
really hard reality to live with, too, was understanding,
30:31
like, I'm AI. She's changed me.
30:34
Yeah, like, I honestly feel that too.
30:36
Like she's brought so much, so much to my life and she's always
30:43
going to be a part of it. And it's just crazy that I'll
30:46
never get to, you know, have her here because, like, she made me
30:52
a mom. And I never thought that would
30:54
happen because I never tried. So just even having that alone,
30:59
becoming a mom, that is special. But it, it is really sad to
31:04
think if I do try to have another baby one day, I'm always
31:08
going to want her. And it just makes me think,
31:11
yeah, how am I going to move on? Like I feel like I'm, I
31:15
shouldn't have another baby because she was my baby.
31:18
And I would hate, I don't want to feel like I'm replacing her
31:22
even though we're not. But I just think that's an
31:24
emotion a lot of us have is we're just, we want a baby so
31:28
bad that we want to try, but then we don't want to try
31:31
because we're like, we don't want to ever replace our baby.
31:35
We lost, yes. We're constantly like living in
31:39
two like worlds and like trying to understand how they like
31:43
merge together, right, like the one with our, you know, babies.
31:46
We don't hold in our arms. We hold in our hearts that we
31:49
want in like yearn for and search for and just would do
31:53
anything to have them here. And then also like
31:56
understanding, you know, what our future holds or what that
31:59
looks like and will we have any, you know, living and getting to
32:02
that point too? I know and, you know, deciding
32:05
is that something that we want? But society makes us feel like,
32:08
you know, when we were sharing about our baby loss, we're like,
32:11
we'll try again. And like that always like
32:13
resonates like or like at least you got pregnant or, you know,
32:16
just go have another one. And it's like we just can't go
32:19
have another one. And like babies don't replace
32:22
babies, right? Like you said, Melissa, you said
32:24
it so perfectly, like it's never that.
32:27
And so, but it's learning first like who we are and how to live
32:30
with, you know, this profound grief of baby not being here
32:35
like we have planned and hoped for our whole entire lives.
32:39
Yeah, that's what it goes back to.
32:41
Like people just don't understand and it I know they
32:44
don't mean when they say certain things like what you just said,
32:49
like, oh, you can try for another one.
32:50
At least you got pregnant. At least you know, you can have
32:53
kids or you know, stuff like that.
32:56
But at the same time, I hate hearing those or people.
33:00
The one thing I really don't like is when people say things
33:03
happen for a reason. Like what was the reason why our
33:07
babies died? Like there is no reason for
33:09
that, you know? I that's the one thing I hate
33:11
that I've honestly been so emotional.
33:14
But I bet you one of these days I'm probably going to snap and
33:16
be like, no, because I know somebody did say that.
33:19
And I'm like, no, I was like that.
33:21
I will not believe like in my everyday life sometimes, yeah,
33:25
like I do say like, you know, things happen for a reason.
33:28
But when it comes to like this situation, I cannot get behind
33:31
that. And that's something I've heard
33:32
a few times from people. And I know they don't mean it in
33:35
that negative way, but I take it in that negative way and get
33:38
upset. And it's just one of these days,
33:40
like when I hear that, I'm just like, part of me is just gets
33:44
angry. Like, no, like my daughter
33:47
didn't deserve to die. I didn't deserve this.
33:51
My boyfriend, my family, nobody does that baby.
33:57
All of our babies are so special.
33:59
And it's just very unfortunate when they're taken and to hear
34:04
those words that I just can't get behind that.
34:07
No, and it almost minimizes it because like you're saying,
34:09
Melissa, like we say that in like everyday, like small little
34:13
things, like everything happens for a reason.
34:15
Not when it comes to loss and baby loss is the only time
34:17
people say that. I know we preach this on the
34:19
podcast. It's a recurring theme because
34:22
unfortunately it's said too many times during this when someone
34:25
loses a parent or a grandparent, they don't say everything
34:27
happens for a reason. It's only during these scenarios
34:30
and I know, so I'm the type of person now, you know, being a
34:34
couple years out from my loss. Now when someone makes those
34:37
comments or says those same things to me still to this day,
34:41
it's like, can I just educate you so you don't do this in the
34:43
next lost mom or lost parent that you talk to?
34:45
Because I need to tell you that is so insensitive and explain
34:49
why. Cuz I just feel like please
34:51
don't do that to the next one. Please don't.
34:53
Like it's OK. You said it to me fine.
34:56
Like I can, you know, I'm not in it now.
34:59
Like in the like depths of like, cuz I swear that first like year
35:02
or two, it was just like, what is happening?
35:05
I, I, you know, you don't want to alienate yourself even more
35:09
and isolate yourself even more from people because you already
35:11
feel that from all the grieving and like your heartache that you
35:14
have. And so I know it's just awful.
35:18
Yeah, so like you kind of said, like it's like we're living in
35:22
like 2 different lives and worlds.
35:26
Like I feel like everyone keeps going and I'm just here.
35:29
You're stopped, yes. And I just even though I am
35:33
still getting back into doing my normal things, I just still feel
35:38
like stopped. Yeah, like going and doing the
35:41
routine. I remember I couldn't even go to
35:43
the store for like months. Like I finally went to the store
35:48
and I got anxiety. Like I remember that first like
35:52
store experience. I just was upset.
35:56
Like I just had so much anxiety. Like I just couldn't do it.
35:59
I'm like, I love going to Target and it's like one of the things
36:02
that I love to do. And it's like when I finally
36:05
went out, like it was just, it was hard doing that.
36:09
And that's what I kind of tried to explain to people too, like
36:12
it's OK to take your time on thing, but on things.
36:16
But people who haven't been through it don't realize they're
36:18
like, what did you do while you were gone, like for three
36:23
months? Did you like, what did you do?
36:25
And I was like, nothing stayed at home.
36:27
I was like, I didn't even leave the house.
36:29
Like I would go for car rides. That was the most I would do
36:33
that. I was like, like if my boyfriend
36:35
wanted to go somewhere, I was like, OK, I'll go, but I'll stay
36:38
in the car. Like that's the only thing I
36:40
would do is just, yeah, I know you don't know too is when you
36:47
go through this loss and especially how far you've gone
36:52
and birthing. Like I didn't even realize all
36:55
the after, like they were still like, oh, wait, X amount of
36:59
weeks before you can just go in a pool or you're still going to
37:03
bleed or you're still going to feel this way.
37:07
So it's just like like a lot of people that I have opened up to
37:13
and told them like I didn't know you went through all that.
37:16
I didn't know you still had that.
37:17
And I'm like, yeah, I was like, it's an eye opener.
37:20
You just don't really know unless you've gone through it.
37:23
And it's like, I know till this day, like I still can't believe
37:27
everything that has happened. And when I first had her, I
37:34
still kept thinking she was in my belly for a while.
37:38
Or there was part of me that didn't even want to go to the
37:40
doctor because like I mentioned, we live in a small town.
37:44
We have like 1 hospital. So that's why we had to wait a
37:47
little longer. We couldn't just rush to the
37:49
hospital to get her out. And then part of me was like
37:52
hoping they wouldn't even call because I was like, well, maybe
37:54
they won't call so I can keep her.
37:57
But then eventually she would have came out is what I've
37:59
learned too. So it's just, yeah, the whole
38:03
thing is just not what you expect or think about.
38:07
And that's kind of what I hope people try to understand.
38:09
Like, even though you haven't been through it, I just want
38:12
people to understand and be sensitive and not say certain
38:17
things. I just, that's another thing
38:19
with doing stuff like this. It's not only, you know,
38:22
spreading awareness and trying to comfort others who've gone
38:25
through it, but it's also to educate people to say, hey,
38:27
like, just because you haven't gone through it, you still need
38:30
to try to understand and be sensitive to those people and
38:34
realize that a loss is a loss no matter how many weeks.
38:40
Because that's another thing people say.
38:42
I mean, I haven't had that said to me, but some people will tell
38:45
other people like, well, at least it was only a couple weeks
38:49
or at least it was this like, no, like that's another thing,
38:53
sensitive thing. I hate when people say that too,
38:56
or I hear other people say that to others.
38:59
Like, this is what I'm really hoping and why I became so
39:03
strong. And spreading awareness is not
39:05
only to help those that are going through it, but yeah, to
39:08
spread education of those to be like, hey, be more mindful to us
39:13
and how we're feeling. Absolutely.
39:17
And there's insensitivities. I know they think they're
39:19
comforting, but if you're opening your mouth and saying at
39:22
least, or you should at the beginning of your sentence,
39:25
don't say it like there is no need for that because anything
39:29
that comes out afterwards is not going to be helpful and it's not
39:31
going to take our pain away. So.
39:34
Yeah, Melissa, how did you do you know, with your first
39:38
Thanksgiving, your holiday with it?
39:40
And how did you honor sweet Evelyn?
39:44
Yeah, like I feel like I love the holidays.
39:47
I'm sure a lot of us do. But this year I honestly hate
39:51
the holidays. I don't want to do anything.
39:53
I just want to stay at home. It was hard, like Thanksgiving,
39:57
I forced myself to go have a small Thanksgiving with some
40:01
family, but that was hard. Like personally I rather have
40:06
just wanted to stay at home. So coping with it, it's just.
40:10
I think I'm getting to that point where it's like, I'm still
40:13
hurting and upset, but you're just learning to kind of deal
40:15
with it. That's why I ended up going to
40:18
Thanksgiving dinners because I'm like, well, I feel like I need
40:21
to. I probably should or I'll be at
40:25
home crying. So I'm just kind of starting to
40:29
just go with it. But it is really hard because it
40:33
would have been her first Thanksgiving.
40:36
And it's like seeing everyone else posting about their babies
40:39
or even just their families. Like I honestly get emotional
40:43
when people just post about their kids, even if it's not a
40:47
baby, even if it's like their teenager, their little little
40:51
kid, like they're just, you know, not a baby.
40:53
I still get emotional and upset because I'm like, oh, at least
40:58
they have their their child there.
41:01
They at least are making these memories.
41:03
I don't. And the ones who are going for
41:05
it, we don't get to have these memories.
41:10
Like her due date was the week before Thanksgiving.
41:14
And all I could tell my boyfriend on Thanksgiving was
41:16
like, Evelyn would have been here.
41:18
She would have been here by now. We would have been just, I've
41:22
been on maternity leave. I'd be staying here.
41:26
I would be still recovering. I would be just holding her and
41:28
playing with her and taking care of her.
41:31
But that's what I wanted. I was, I'm excited for that and
41:34
so it's just, it was hard to deal with and I'm honestly
41:37
dreading Christmas because I would have been the first
41:40
Christmas. So it's like, it does really, it
41:43
really hurts and sucks and it's something you'll never, I just
41:47
feel like you'll just never cope with, but you're just learning
41:50
to deal with and somewhat try to enjoy your holiday.
41:56
But I do always try to honor her and it does make me happy to do
42:00
that stuff. So I always get her flowers,
42:04
just any festive flowers. So I got her some Thanksgiving
42:07
flowers. I'm planning to get her some
42:09
Christmas flowers. I got her a white pumpkin for
42:12
October and I still kept that out through November because
42:16
November is still pumpkin season.
42:17
So I kept her little white pumpkin out for those last
42:20
couple of months and I finally transitioned into her pink tree
42:25
that I got. But that's something with loss.
42:28
It's like you love honoring your baby in these ways, but then you
42:32
stop and think and it's just like, it shouldn't be this way
42:38
because I still get emotional. Like I'll put her tree out.
42:40
Like I put her tree out and I'm just like, oh, it looks so cute.
42:44
But then you just stop and think and it's just like, she would
42:47
have been here. You shouldn't be doing like, I
42:50
don't know. I just feel like no one should
42:52
go through this at all. And the holidays, you just feel
42:55
even more empty. Another reminder.
42:59
And it's just another emotional day, which a lot of people I
43:03
hope will realize that too. Because I know going through
43:06
this, I don't want people to be scared to invite me to things
43:10
and just assume, oh, she's just not going to come because she's
43:13
going through it. Like, no, I would rather make
43:15
that decision myself. I don't want people to be scared
43:19
to like invite me, talk to me like.
43:23
So that's another thing I've been struggling with too, is I
43:25
feel like some people are afraid to approach me or invite me
43:28
because they're just like, and she's not going to come or, and
43:31
she doesn't want to talk about it.
43:32
How do you know? I'd rather people have those
43:35
uncomfortable conversations than not have them at all.
43:40
Yes, we always say to people, you know, make yourself
43:43
uncomfortable to make the other one comfortable.
43:44
That is what is grief support, right?
43:47
When you're supporting a loved one, a friend, a family, it's
43:50
interesting because your circle almost gets smaller in these
43:52
situations. And after we go through our
43:54
losses of our babies because the people that don't understand or
43:58
don't invite us or don't want to talk about it or don't want to
44:00
hear about it, it's like, you know, it does like get us to
44:04
like quality over quantity anymore with our friend and
44:08
family group, you know? Yeah, I know that is true.
44:11
And I feel like, yeah, your friend group does kind of get a
44:14
little smaller because you when you go through something like
44:17
this, you kind of you realize who your real friends are and
44:20
who is really there for you. Because also, like, I've had
44:24
acquaintances who didn't even congratulate me on my pregnancy.
44:28
But as soon as I announced that I lost Evelyn, they were quick
44:32
to give me their condolences. And I'm like, you can't be happy
44:36
for me in my good and bad times. You should be there for both.
44:41
Be there in those happy moments, be there for me and those not
44:45
happy moments. That's like what a real friend
44:47
or just a person with a good heart has.
44:50
So I've experienced a lot of that too.
44:52
And it's really unfortunate because I'm like, I remember
44:55
those people that were really happy when I was pregnant and
44:58
then those who want to come and try to comfort me now.
45:03
Why weren't you there when I was excited and now that I'm sad you
45:07
want to be there? I feel like that's another thing
45:11
that I've gone through and I'm sure a lot of other people go
45:14
through as well. Absolutely.
45:16
Yeah. And it's really understanding.
45:19
Like, who are those true people who are in your life and your
45:22
ride or die? You know, the ones that are
45:24
going to stand beside you through thick and thin and not
45:26
just be there for the glory days or when they need something.
45:30
And it's a harsh reality, but I also felt like it was something
45:34
that, you know, our daughter gave us is having those like who
45:38
intentionally and I am I going to have in my life today and who
45:40
do I want to spend my time with because our time is so valuable.
45:43
You know, look, you know how short our, you know, babies were
45:47
here, even though you know their greatest blessings and gifts?
45:51
It's like, you know, time is too too precious, too valuable.
45:56
Yeah, and it's great. But also unfortunate is when you
45:59
find people who've gone through it and you bond, you make a bond
46:04
through our lost babies. And it's just, it's great.
46:07
But it's just sad because it's like, why do we have to have
46:11
these relationships where we bond over such a sad and
46:15
heartbreaking and most awful thing that has ever happened in
46:18
our life? And that's how we become like
46:20
friends or we relate to each other.
46:23
It's just, it's just unfortunate, but a blessing too,
46:27
because then it's like, oh, it's nice to have somebody who gets
46:30
it and understands. Yeah, so.
46:34
Yeah. Yeah, obviously.
46:37
Yeah, it's just a terrible thing.
46:40
But I'm just, you said, swinging along every day.
46:45
Yeah. Oh, Melissa, Now, you said that
46:47
you earlier that you were seeing a therapist.
46:51
What else have you been doing to cope?
46:52
And I love that you get her flowers for every holiday, too,
46:56
to honor her and make her a part of, you know, the holiday and
46:59
the day and, yeah, the season. Yeah.
47:03
So honestly, yeah, like I don't really do too much.
47:07
All I'm doing is just constantly going to therapy, just talking
47:11
about it, being open and honestly sharing with it on
47:14
social media. I was really scared to talk
47:18
about it. I know just to say the
47:19
announcement that we lost her, I was like nervous.
47:22
Like I remember I was sweating and just so nervous because it's
47:26
just like, you never know how people are going to look at it.
47:29
Like I was telling my boyfriend, I'm like, yeah, people are going
47:31
to be sad. I'm like, what if someone says a
47:33
negative comment and says something mean?
47:36
Because that can happen. I know.
47:37
But thankfully I didn't experience that.
47:40
So just kind of sharing really helped cope and realizing that
47:45
it helps others, makes me feel better and feels like I'm doing
47:49
something to help other people and that honestly helps me.
47:53
And just learning to do my everyday things slowly but
47:57
surely that also helps. I do notice when I'm busy and
48:02
distracted, it helps me to not always think about it and cry,
48:07
but when I'm not doing anything, it brings all that negative
48:11
stuff back. So I feel like just trying to
48:14
just slowly get to normal. I guess you want to call it?
48:19
That's really helped me buying things for her.
48:23
Like her middle name is Rose, so we like to call her Evelyn Rose
48:27
because I just like roses and that's just a pretty flower and
48:32
it symbolizes me and Kurt's love too, is why I decided that
48:37
because she was conceived in February, so the Valentine love
48:42
month. So I and the roses for
48:45
Valentine. So I do like to collect a lot of
48:47
like pink roses. Like anytime I see like a pink
48:50
rose or something, I'm like, I need that.
48:53
I want that. So that honestly buying things
48:56
for her, even though she's not here, it makes me happy.
49:00
It's sad, but it brings joy to me.
49:03
Like I like to put things on my desk.
49:05
I like to put things at home. I know during the awareness
49:10
month in October, we made ribbons to pass out to people.
49:13
Like doing stuff like that honestly has really helped me.
49:18
And it's really unfortunate that I've had this situation.
49:21
But at the same time, I feel like having the situation
49:25
happened to me has helped me to bring more awareness and to just
49:30
like find a reason to kind of give back to others.
49:36
Because before, like I will say, like I come from a really great
49:39
family where, you know, I have my both my parents, sisters
49:45
family. I come from a loving,
49:47
supportive, great family where we don't really have a lot of
49:51
like events like this happen in our lives.
49:53
So I don't I can say when I tell people about like my story, I've
49:58
always like, I come from a good family.
50:00
Nothing really goes on. But having this, I have a story
50:03
and I feel like it's a powerful story that I can share and help.
50:07
And it's like before I never had that and it sucks.
50:11
But at the same time, it does make me feel better to help
50:14
people because that's I'm one of those people.
50:16
Like I do love to help people. And now I feel like I have such
50:19
a strong like platform and like background to give something and
50:25
just share my experience and be there.
50:27
So that helps me cope. So I do enjoy helping and
50:33
honoring Evelyn as much as I can.
50:35
Like getting little gifts from people that like, from her.
50:41
Like my sister got me this necklace of her name and it has
50:44
her birthstone and a heart, you know, stuff like that.
50:48
It's just, it's crazy how I was so like meaningful those things
50:52
are to you. And it's something just so
50:55
simple. It doesn't take much.
50:57
It's just it means everything like Evelyn is something so
51:02
special is always going to be my daughter and I'm always going to
51:05
be her mom. And having these things, it's so
51:08
valuable. Like she was such a blessing and
51:11
will always be special. And it's just just wish she was
51:15
here big and holding her and laughing.
51:19
And that's something a lot of people don't know either, is
51:22
like we miss out on a lot of things.
51:25
We never get to see their first like talk or like their words
51:30
walk. Can't put them in a cute outfit.
51:34
Can't even see what they're fully going to look like.
51:38
Like that was one thing that I was like, what would Evelyn look
51:41
like? Like, will she have my hair,
51:44
your hair, your eyes, my eyes? Because Kurt has brown, I have
51:49
green. I'm like, what would she have
51:51
gotten? Like, we're always going to have
51:54
those things that we'll never get.
51:57
And it's just so sad to think about sometimes because we're
52:01
missing out on everything. Yeah, absolutely, Melissa.
52:06
Well, thank you so much for sharing all of that.
52:09
Now, what would you like to leave our listeners with?
52:14
I just want to say anyone that is going through it like it's OK
52:18
to feel how you feel. If you want to feel angry, feel
52:20
angry, you want to cry, you cry. Don't let anyone tell you how to
52:24
feel in your emotions. And also be understanding with
52:27
your partner. Like you guys are going to
52:28
handle things different so try not to be hard on each other.
52:32
Like if you have your partner, you guys work together and just
52:36
try not to, you know, kick at each other for not feeling a
52:41
certain way. And I will say that's something
52:43
I'm very blessed with with my boyfriend is like, after all
52:46
this happened, I thought I was, he's going to make me leave.
52:49
Or I, you know, what if things like, you know, we just ended up
52:53
breaking up, But I feel like we've gotten stronger.
52:55
We're stronger. We're there for each other.
52:57
And it's just, that's very important.
52:59
And I know a lot of people unfortunately don't always have
53:02
that. So I do want to say be kind to
53:04
yourself, be kind to your partner and just also realize
53:08
you aren't alone. There are so many people out
53:10
there who have gone through what you've gone through or have a
53:13
similar experience and it's OK to talk about it.
53:18
And always your baby is always going to be your baby and
53:22
they'll never be forgotten. Even though they're not here,
53:24
they're always going to be there and just be kind to yourself and
53:29
just always know that your baby's going to be in your
53:31
heart, no matter if it's, you know, they're not physically
53:34
here, at least they're, they're above you, they're in your
53:37
heart. And don't be scared to talk
53:40
about them. I know a lot of people are just
53:41
scared to share their story. Talk about it.
53:44
Don't be scared, be open because you'd be surprised with how
53:49
impactful just you saying a few words or sharing something can
53:54
impact someone else in more of a positive way.
53:58
And they'll feel not alone. Because I've had people reach
54:02
out to me, which I was surprised and they said just a simple
54:06
post, just even me making those ribbons, A lot of people are
54:08
like, wow, like that helps me because I lost a baby too.
54:13
So this symbolizes my lost baby. So it's just any little thing
54:17
you do, it will really, it speaks louder than you think.
54:24
Melissa, thank you. Thank you for your
54:26
vulnerability. Thank you for sharing everything
54:28
that you did, for speaking Evelyn Rose's name out loud, for
54:32
letting us meet her through your words, and for reminding
54:35
grieving parents that the holidays may look different, but
54:37
they can still hold love, meeting, and connection.
54:40
Thank you. Yeah, no, thank you.
54:42
And I'm very thankful for you guys because I do want to say
54:45
one more thing. It's just crazy how everything
54:49
happened and I felt so alone. But seeing posts like what you
54:54
guys post on social, it brought so much comfort to my life and
54:59
being able to re share the words you guys put there are things
55:02
that I want to share but I don't always know how.
55:04
So having like people like you and organizations like like I
55:09
didn't even was, I wasn't even looking for you guys.
55:12
And it's just like going through this, you guys found me and it's
55:17
just a blessing to have you guys and everything you post and do.
55:21
So I'm very thankful to have support even just online.
55:26
It makes a difference. Thank you, Melissa, thank you
55:29
for that. And to anyone listening, you
55:33
don't have to navigate this season alone.
55:35
We do offer eleven daily support services for free holiday grief
55:40
groups and a community that understands and we're here for
55:43
you. So please reach out and thank
55:45
you again, Melissa, for everything, for your kind words
55:48
and for being here. It really means a lot.
55:50
Yeah, thank you so much for having me.
55:52
I hope this helps others. Sending you guys all a happy
55:56
holidays and big hugs and loves and all of our babies are
56:00
together. Yes.
56:02
Oh, thank you, Melissa.