Latest / The Dr. Sarah Hensley Show / Episode 12, Season 1: Dating in the Modern World

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Episode 12, Season 1: Dating in the Modern World · The Dr. Sarah Hensley Show

• 0:08
  Speaker 1: Welcome to the Love Dog Podcast. I'm your co host
• 0:11
  Speaker 1: Rana Butcher here with the lovely Doctor Hensley. Hi, Doctor Hensley, Hi,
• 0:17
  Speaker 1: how are you. I'm good. I'm good. So Episode eleven twelve?
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: Is it twelve? No, it's eleven, it's twelve. Is it twelve?
• 0:28
  Speaker 1: Oh my gosh, okay, episode twelve today, and we are
• 0:32
  Speaker 1: going to talk about dating in the modern world. Big breath,
• 0:35
  Speaker 1: I know, big breath for all those single people that
• 0:39
  Speaker 1: are still out there too, because it's the wild, wild West,
• 0:42
  Speaker 1: no doubt.
• 0:43
  Speaker 2: And if you're frustrated, we get it. Oh my gosh,
• 0:46
  Speaker 2: it wasn't too long ago that we were dating.
• 0:48
  Speaker 1: Yes, because we're both fairly uh well, we're new we're
• 0:52
  Speaker 1: both newly with. I consider the first five years of
• 0:54
  Speaker 1: marriage like being a newly with.
• 0:56
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I've been married, just celebrating my second year Anniverse.
• 1:00
  Speaker 1: And my year is coming up in October.
• 1:02
  Speaker 2: Yep. So so we get it.
• 1:04
  Speaker 1: Yes, we've been there, Yes, and we've talked often talked
• 1:06
  Speaker 1: about if you know, we if we were still in
• 1:09
  Speaker 1: the dating world, how hard it would be. It's just hard.
• 1:13
  Speaker 2: It is hard, and it's so hard if you have
• 1:17
  Speaker 2: an insecure attachment because you are just like a magnet
• 1:23
  Speaker 2: for crappy people.
• 1:26
  Speaker 1: Well, and the with with dating apps too. It brings
• 1:32
  Speaker 1: this whole other level. I feel like, of an authenticity
• 1:36
  Speaker 1: yes to dating that makes it really really difficult to
• 1:41
  Speaker 1: overcome and see somebody for who they really are, right,
• 1:45
  Speaker 1: And so I know that when I was dating still,
• 1:50
  Speaker 1: thank god I'm not anymore. I never had any luck
• 1:55
  Speaker 1: with dating apps.
• 1:56
  Speaker 2: It just it I didn't either.
• 1:58
  Speaker 1: They just didn't work for me.
• 1:59
  Speaker 2: I didn't either, And I've done you know, a lot
• 2:03
  Speaker 2: more research in the last few years on the dating
• 2:06
  Speaker 2: app business and talking to you know, hundreds and hundreds
• 2:10
  Speaker 2: of clients that are using dating apps, and I think
• 2:12
  Speaker 2: I have a better feel for how to use them
• 2:15
  Speaker 2: properly and how to not use them.
• 2:17
  Speaker 1: Yeah, tell the people.
• 2:19
  Speaker 2: Yeah. So people often join dating apps for micro hits
• 2:26
  Speaker 2: of validation from strangers, especially very avoidant to people like
• 2:31
  Speaker 2: the dismissive avoidance. Love the dating apps because they can
• 2:35
  Speaker 2: chat with you know, potentially hundreds of people.
• 2:39
  Speaker 1: Yeah, And it can stay very surface, and.
• 2:41
  Speaker 2: They can stay extremely surface level, and they get these
• 2:44
  Speaker 2: like micro dopamine hits, right, but they're never taking it anywhere.
• 2:48
  Speaker 2: They're never actually accepting a date or asking somebody on
• 2:52
  Speaker 2: a date, and so they're just using it for this
• 2:56
  Speaker 2: more personalized way to get validation. They actually have no,
• 3:00
  Speaker 2: no real plans of trying to find somebody. And for
• 3:03
  Speaker 2: the people are directly from dismissive aboidance.
• 3:07
  Speaker 1: Yeah, and then for those people that actually are looking
• 3:11
  Speaker 1: for someone, like I feel like we were, you know,
• 3:14
  Speaker 1: I was genuinely looking for a part absolutely that it
• 3:17
  Speaker 1: becomes really difficult because there's that level of rejection that
• 3:22
  Speaker 1: you feel from those people that are doing that.
• 3:24
  Speaker 2: Yes, and that never goes anywhere.
• 3:26
  Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah.
• 3:27
  Speaker 2: And so I personally think if you are on a
• 3:31
  Speaker 2: dating app, if you're a female, okay, and of course,
• 3:36
  Speaker 2: I mean we can talk about same sex you know,
• 3:39
  Speaker 2: couples as well as heterosexual couples or whatever. But if
• 3:43
  Speaker 2: you're in a heterosexual relationship and you're the female, I
• 3:45
  Speaker 2: truly believe in that receiving energy. If the guy is
• 3:49
  Speaker 2: not asking you on a proper date within three days, yeah,
• 3:54
  Speaker 2: stop talking to him.
• 3:55
  Speaker 1: That's great advice.
• 3:56
  Speaker 2: Yeah, right, because real men really with strong masculine energy.
• 4:02
  Speaker 2: I'm not talking about wounded masculine energy. I'm talking about strong, kind, loving,
• 4:07
  Speaker 2: protective masculine energy. If they see potential in you. They're
• 4:11
  Speaker 2: gonna take you out on a date. I'm not saying,
• 4:14
  Speaker 2: you know, every guy is going to have the capacity
• 4:16
  Speaker 2: to lou you with a five star restaurant or whatever.
• 4:20
  Speaker 2: But he's gonna ask you out for coffee. Yeah, he's
• 4:22
  Speaker 2: gonna ask you out for a drink. He's gonna say,
• 4:24
  Speaker 2: let's meet at the park. Right, He's gonna take it
• 4:27
  Speaker 2: to the next level of meeting you fairly quickly, and
• 4:31
  Speaker 2: that gives you the signal that he's not playing around, right,
• 4:33
  Speaker 2: he's looking for someone to truly connect with. If someone
• 4:37
  Speaker 2: is dropping off of conversations, stop holding the conversation.
• 4:41
  Speaker 1: Stop, don't go back, don't go back, just to.
• 4:44
  Speaker 2: Lead the conversation and move on. Right, If you're serious
• 4:48
  Speaker 2: about finding someone, only entertain people that are serious about
• 4:51
  Speaker 2: finding someone, because there's a lot of people out there
• 4:53
  Speaker 2: that are just looking for that validation and they're not
• 4:57
  Speaker 2: necessarily like to really try to pursue something. They want
• 5:02
  Speaker 2: to hide behind the screen. If you're a man, ask
• 5:06
  Speaker 2: women out on a proper date. There is nothing I
• 5:12
  Speaker 2: think that was more frustrating than the lack of confidence
• 5:16
  Speaker 2: that men had.
• 5:17
  Speaker 1: Like if it did ever evolve to that point, where
• 5:20
  Speaker 1: I felt like it would get to like the date.
• 5:23
  Speaker 1: And then if a guy would be like, well, what
• 5:25
  Speaker 1: do you want to do? I was like out.
• 5:29
  Speaker 2: Gone bye, yeah, because I was like, oh my gosh, please,
• 5:33
  Speaker 2: no leadership. And it's cowardice, because it's cowardice in the
• 5:37
  Speaker 2: way of like, I don't have the masculine energy and
• 5:41
  Speaker 2: I'm too afraid that what I picked you won't like
• 5:44
  Speaker 2: and that's why she'll reject me. Here's what you do, men,
• 5:47
  Speaker 2: Ask her questions about what she likes. Yeah, do a
• 5:50
  Speaker 2: little digging, gather a little data, right, get curious, Get curious,
• 5:55
  Speaker 2: and then if you're still afraid, give her some options.
• 5:58
  Speaker 2: We have this place or this place which sounds more
• 6:01
  Speaker 2: appealing to you? What kind of food sounds more appealing
• 6:03
  Speaker 2: to you. Do you like steak or do you like Italian?
• 6:06
  Speaker 3: You know?
• 6:07
  Speaker 2: And then go, you know, what do you like to
• 6:09
  Speaker 2: do for fun?
• 6:10
  Speaker 1: It ain't rocket science, it's.
• 6:11
  Speaker 2: Not rocket science. It's not And that was I will say,
• 6:18
  Speaker 2: without a doubt, that was the most attractive thing that
• 6:21
  Speaker 2: my husband did. Actually, my husband I met on Facebook. Okay,
• 6:24
  Speaker 2: it's not exciting, but he reached out to me in
• 6:27
  Speaker 2: a message about content that I had been posting Christian
• 6:31
  Speaker 2: content that he felt was meaningful, and he sent me
• 6:35
  Speaker 2: this amazingly genuine message that really set him apart. And
• 6:38
  Speaker 2: I accidentally blew him off because I was in a
• 6:40
  Speaker 2: no dating face, so I was answering every message that
• 6:43
  Speaker 2: I got with just thank you or like I'm not
• 6:45
  Speaker 2: dating right now or whatever. So I totally blew him off.
• 6:47
  Speaker 1: Whoops.
• 6:48
  Speaker 2: But then he happened to pop up on my stories
• 6:51
  Speaker 2: on Facebook and I was like, who is that hoty?
• 6:54
  Speaker 2: And I was like, oh my gosh, that name sounds
• 6:56
  Speaker 2: so familiar. Did he send me a message? Went back
• 6:58
  Speaker 2: and looked and he had sent me a message and
• 6:59
  Speaker 2: I had totally blown him off.
• 7:01
  Speaker 1: Did you respond to the message? I can't remember.
• 7:02
  Speaker 2: I did with a thank you, Oh thank you, that
• 7:05
  Speaker 2: was all I said. I know my husband was like
• 7:08
  Speaker 2: swinging a miss. So then I had to shoot my game.
• 7:12
  Speaker 2: I sent him a really flirty message one day and
• 7:15
  Speaker 2: was like, listen when you sent me that message? Back then,
• 7:18
  Speaker 2: I was in a totally no dating phase. I was
• 7:21
  Speaker 2: getting lots of messages. I apologize that it wasn't more
• 7:25
  Speaker 2: thoughtful in my response, but I'm actually put myself back
• 7:29
  Speaker 2: out on the market. And I thought your message was
• 7:32
  Speaker 2: really kind. If you're interested in chatting, let me know.
• 7:34
  Speaker 2: We started chatting right away. In that conversation, he asked
• 7:37
  Speaker 2: me out on a date. Nice, Yes, nice, And I
• 7:40
  Speaker 2: was like, what masculine energy? And my husband has the
• 7:44
  Speaker 2: most unwounded masculine energy of probably any man I've ever
• 7:49
  Speaker 2: met in my entire life. Yeah, and he showed it
• 7:52
  Speaker 2: right off the bat.
• 7:52
  Speaker 1: Yep. Yeah, Josh was the same way. Yeah, the same
• 7:55
  Speaker 1: way which Josh and I met organically. Of course, you know,
• 8:00
  Speaker 1: I'll just without I've only had luck meeting people organically.
• 8:04
  Speaker 2: And his story is so cute, and everybody your story.
• 8:07
  Speaker 1: Is so I'm so happy that I need to tell
• 8:10
  Speaker 1: this story too. And there's a lot of irony in
• 8:13
  Speaker 1: this story because I was actively dating.
• 8:19
  Speaker 2: Like I was ready, and you didn't like anyone.
• 8:22
  Speaker 1: Now I remember that.
• 8:22
  Speaker 2: You're like, look, I didn't like anyone like another day.
• 8:26
  Speaker 1: Yeah, And I mean the one guy that I did like,
• 8:29
  Speaker 1: which was the guy I dated before.
• 8:31
  Speaker 2: Josh, was a total dismissive avoidance. Yeah.
• 8:33
  Speaker 1: And he was younger than me, and you know, he
• 8:35
  Speaker 1: was too immature too, and there were a few variables
• 8:38
  Speaker 1: there that just it wasn't going to work. But I
• 8:40
  Speaker 1: as soon as I got into it, it was as
• 8:42
  Speaker 1: soon as I got out of it, like I saw
• 8:43
  Speaker 1: the red flags and I was like, I was so
• 8:45
  Speaker 1: proud of you.
• 8:46
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I was like, you are really You've really become secure,
• 8:50
  Speaker 2: like because that was a hard one to walk away.
• 8:52
  Speaker 3: It was.
• 8:53
  Speaker 1: It was because I really liked him, so you know,
• 8:56
  Speaker 1: it was probably it probably been about six months, and
• 9:00
  Speaker 1: so I was I was actively like I don't want
• 9:03
  Speaker 1: to say I was like, you know, going on a
• 9:05
  Speaker 1: to date every weekend or anything. I don't want Josh
• 9:07
  Speaker 1: to listen to this and be like, oh.
• 9:08
  Speaker 2: So no, she wasn't.
• 9:10
  Speaker 1: I was not. I was actually very selective. I was
• 9:13
  Speaker 1: and I kind of xnaye the dating apps at that
• 9:15
  Speaker 1: point too. I was liken't work. They just don't work.
• 9:19
  Speaker 1: So I just randomly woke up one Saturday morning. You know,
• 9:23
  Speaker 1: it was after COVID. It was twenty twenty one, and
• 9:26
  Speaker 1: you know, everybody I think kind of had cabin fever,
• 9:29
  Speaker 1: a big ice storm had happened. I just woke up
• 9:31
  Speaker 1: one Saturday morning and I was like, you know what,
• 9:34
  Speaker 1: I think I want to go have a drink tonight
• 9:35
  Speaker 1: at CCI, which is this little bar in Lexington oldest
• 9:38
  Speaker 1: bar in Lexington. It's a little dove hole on the wall.
• 9:41
  Speaker 1: If you ever come to lex fun place, Yes, fun
• 9:43
  Speaker 1: place to visit. I highly recommend if you ever come
• 9:46
  Speaker 1: to Lexington check out CCI. It will be an experience.
• 9:51
  Speaker 1: But you know, it was one of my stopping grounds
• 9:53
  Speaker 1: back in college. Hadn't been there in years, and I
• 9:56
  Speaker 1: was like, huh, I wonder if they're having live music.
• 9:58
  Speaker 1: I message them, I'm like, hey, you know, are you
• 10:00
  Speaker 1: guys having love music tonight? They say, yep, Josh Butcher
• 10:03
  Speaker 1: don't think anything of it. And I'm like, oh great,
• 10:06
  Speaker 1: So I get some friends. We go on the way there.
• 10:10
  Speaker 1: My high school best friend facetimed me, who lived in
• 10:13
  Speaker 1: La never rarely calls, like we would check in quarterly
• 10:17
  Speaker 1: with each other. She face times me and she's like, oh,
• 10:20
  Speaker 1: you look pretty. Where are you going. I'm like, I'm
• 10:22
  Speaker 1: going out tonight. I gotta get out of the house.
• 10:24
  Speaker 1: She was like, you're gonna meet your husband tonight. I
• 10:27
  Speaker 1: mean as clear as day, just like that, and I
• 10:29
  Speaker 1: was like, okay, whatever in Oh well, I walk in
• 10:33
  Speaker 1: and I don't know if maybe like she just had
• 10:35
  Speaker 1: kind of instilled that energy and like where.
• 10:38
  Speaker 2: Your words are powerful. Yeah. Yeah, people need to understand
• 10:41
  Speaker 2: how powerful words are. And that's for another podcast. Yes,
• 10:43
  Speaker 2: we can totally talk about that.
• 10:44
  Speaker 1: But they're powerful in your dating life too. I think
• 10:47
  Speaker 1: it's reletive.
• 10:48
  Speaker 2: It's extremely immense power.
• 10:50
  Speaker 1: Yes. And so you know, when I walked in again,
• 10:52
  Speaker 1: I was not thinking, oh, I'm going to meet my husband,
• 10:54
  Speaker 1: but when Josh Butcher walked by me, Holton holding that
• 11:00
  Speaker 1: guitar with those tight wranglers on and listen, I'm not
• 11:05
  Speaker 1: I'm not a cowboy girl like you. If you told
• 11:09
  Speaker 1: me five years ago that I was gonna marry a cowboy,
• 11:12
  Speaker 1: was a real cowboy. He's a real cowboy, wrangled animals, cowboy.
• 11:16
  Speaker 1: He was a rancher for ten years almost, and so
• 11:19
  Speaker 1: like he branded cattle and shit people. Yeah, I mean
• 11:23
  Speaker 1: talk about masculine.
• 11:24
  Speaker 2: It was during the Yellowstone period too, boy, I mean
• 11:28
  Speaker 2: straight up like rip stuff.
• 11:30
  Speaker 1: Okay. But he walked by and I was just like,
• 11:33
  Speaker 1: who is that? And then it dawned on me that
• 11:37
  Speaker 1: I had messaged him earlier, Josh Butcher. So you know,
• 11:40
  Speaker 1: then I start doing the Facebook stocking stuff.
• 11:42
  Speaker 3: And I'm like, oh, hello cowboy, and you know, and
• 11:47
  Speaker 3: I'd looked across the table at one of my other
• 11:50
  Speaker 3: best friends across room, and I said, mark my words,
• 11:52
  Speaker 3: that man, right there's my husband.
• 11:54
  Speaker 1: She was like, oh my gosh, so you know, and
• 11:56
  Speaker 1: then he was and you put your business and then
• 12:00
  Speaker 1: I put it well, and it took it took a
• 12:02
  Speaker 1: lot of nerve. I was really really anxious. I mean,
• 12:05
  Speaker 1: the anxious reign is still really existed then. And so
• 12:09
  Speaker 1: I've always been terrified of rejection. I've always been afraid
• 12:13
  Speaker 1: of the word no. And guys, I was in sales
• 12:15
  Speaker 1: for a long time, so imagine. But so actually my
• 12:20
  Speaker 1: friend had to take the business card and was like,
• 12:23
  Speaker 1: give me the business card and go put it in
• 12:25
  Speaker 1: his tip jar. But you know it, it's so sweet
• 12:30
  Speaker 1: because he still carries the business card with him and
• 12:33
  Speaker 1: I know, even brought it out on our wedding day,
• 12:35
  Speaker 1: you know, and he was playing his vowels and uh,
• 12:38
  Speaker 1: you know, it just it really is like one of
• 12:41
  Speaker 1: those love stories that is like very serendipitous and and
• 12:47
  Speaker 1: really beautiful and and has a lot of meaning. And
• 12:50
  Speaker 1: then our love story, I think from how like how
• 12:53
  Speaker 1: it evolved from there, it was almost very elementary. We
• 12:57
  Speaker 1: took things really slow, and we were really shy around
• 13:01
  Speaker 1: each other because we just didn't we didn't want to
• 13:03
  Speaker 1: mess it up. We knew that it was good and
• 13:06
  Speaker 1: we were scared we were going to mess it up,
• 13:09
  Speaker 1: and so it evolved so slowly, but.
• 13:12
  Speaker 2: Which is healthy.
• 13:13
  Speaker 1: Oh my gosh, it was so beautiful because it allowed
• 13:16
  Speaker 1: our love to really form in the right way, right
• 13:20
  Speaker 1: where we weren't just like diving head first, in which
• 13:23
  Speaker 1: a lot is the mistake I feel like a lot
• 13:25
  Speaker 1: of people will make in the dating phase. We weren't
• 13:29
  Speaker 1: just diving straight in and being like, okay, we're in love.
• 13:32
  Speaker 1: You know. It wasn't like that. I mean, it took
• 13:34
  Speaker 1: us almost six months before we even said I love you.
• 13:37
  Speaker 1: So but yeah, it was beautiful. So thank you for
• 13:40
  Speaker 1: letting me tell them.
• 13:41
  Speaker 2: Let's talk about meeting people organically.
• 13:43
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 13:44
  Speaker 2: So, I feel like if you want to meet people organically,
• 13:46
  Speaker 2: which is the hardest thing to do, I think that
• 13:48
  Speaker 2: there's two big things you have to do. One, you
• 13:51
  Speaker 2: have to talk to people. You have to just strike
• 13:53
  Speaker 2: up conversations.
• 13:54
  Speaker 1: People don't want to do that anymore.
• 13:54
  Speaker 2: People don't want to do that anymore. But you have
• 13:56
  Speaker 2: to talk to the person in front of you and
• 13:58
  Speaker 2: start talk to the cute guy in front of you
• 14:00
  Speaker 2: at Starbucks, ask what he gets. Talk to people at
• 14:03
  Speaker 2: the grocery store, like, don't afraid. Who cares if it's awkward, right,
• 14:07
  Speaker 2: who cares?
• 14:09
  Speaker 1: Listen if it doesn't, Like, if they reject you or whatever,
• 14:12
  Speaker 1: you've known him for two seconds, right, you'll probably never
• 14:14
  Speaker 1: see them again.
• 14:15
  Speaker 2: Yeah, so who cares? So you need to have conversations,
• 14:19
  Speaker 2: and you need to go to places that you like
• 14:23
  Speaker 2: to be because those are the places that people that
• 14:26
  Speaker 2: have things in common with you will be at. Right,
• 14:30
  Speaker 2: So you have to you know, if you love to
• 14:34
  Speaker 2: work out, I mean, join a join a gym where
• 14:37
  Speaker 2: there's people your age, right, join don't be joining the
• 14:42
  Speaker 2: gym that's like for the gen zers, or don't join
• 14:45
  Speaker 2: the old hole in the wall gym that's for the bodybuilders.
• 14:47
  Speaker 2: Like join a gym where the millennials are, if that's
• 14:50
  Speaker 2: where you're at in life. You know, join meetup groups.
• 14:55
  Speaker 2: You know, if you like to go hiking, there's groups
• 14:57
  Speaker 2: for those things. Like join activity where you can make
• 15:01
  Speaker 2: more connections. Because meeting people organically is all about networking.
• 15:04
  Speaker 1: Yep, it is. And really getting out of your comfort zone.
• 15:07
  Speaker 2: Yeah, you have to get out of your comfort zone.
• 15:09
  Speaker 2: If you want to meet you are not. I hate
• 15:11
  Speaker 2: to tell you, sis, You're not going to meet him
• 15:13
  Speaker 2: at home in your pajamas, eating popcorn and drinking wine, watching.
• 15:17
  Speaker 1: Wiping left and right. Like listen, I know there are
• 15:21
  Speaker 1: tons of people in the world that meet on dating
• 15:23
  Speaker 1: apps and get married and are happy. So I'm not
• 15:25
  Speaker 1: totally discounting it, but.
• 15:28
  Speaker 2: It can't be your only strategy, right, And.
• 15:30
  Speaker 1: Wouldn't you rather meet someone organically?
• 15:32
  Speaker 2: I mean I would. I mean I I would say.
• 15:35
  Speaker 2: My husband and I didn't really meet organically. It was
• 15:37
  Speaker 2: over Facebook, it wasn't on a dating app, but he
• 15:41
  Speaker 2: was able to approach me in an organic way, like, Hey,
• 15:45
  Speaker 2: I've seen what you post. I've kind of looked at
• 15:49
  Speaker 2: who you are, and I think we might be kind
• 15:51
  Speaker 2: of similar. I think we have similar beliefs. And you know,
• 15:54
  Speaker 2: that was really cool. Yeah, meet people like if you're
• 15:58
  Speaker 2: a believer, go to church, join, join Bible studies, join
• 16:04
  Speaker 2: you know groups, you know, adult adult ministry groups, the boss.
• 16:10
  Speaker 1: Right, you almost have to think about snazy. Think about
• 16:13
  Speaker 1: two weeks ago when I was going to the justin
• 16:15
  Speaker 1: ten really concert and you know every forty plus, like, well,
• 16:22
  Speaker 1: let's just say, every thirty five to forty five ish
• 16:25
  Speaker 1: year old woman was there within like an hour and
• 16:29
  Speaker 1: a half radius of Lexington. And so we went and
• 16:33
  Speaker 1: ate at the Lost Palm again, a great place to
• 16:36
  Speaker 1: go if you're ever in Lexington. And I mean we
• 16:39
  Speaker 1: walk up there and it is nothing but all these
• 16:42
  Speaker 1: beautiful females like in that age, right, and.
• 16:45
  Speaker 2: You missed out You could have seen JT.
• 16:48
  Speaker 1: I'm telling you.
• 16:49
  Speaker 2: Everybody, that's how it takes.
• 16:50
  Speaker 1: Like, that's really thinking outside the box. Thinking you might
• 16:53
  Speaker 1: not like justin Timberlake, because most you know, thirty something
• 16:57
  Speaker 1: forty something year old men don't. It's if you're if
• 16:59
  Speaker 1: you were there is because your girlfriend and your wife
• 17:01
  Speaker 1: dragged you, right, But you know think, okay, well, hey,
• 17:05
  Speaker 1: the JT said concert's going on tonight. Where would a
• 17:07
  Speaker 1: lot of girls maybe eat beforehand? The Lost Palm? Yeah,
• 17:12
  Speaker 1: somewhere on Manchester. You know. I mean you got to
• 17:15
  Speaker 1: kind of think outside the box, and not like in
• 17:17
  Speaker 1: a creepily way. I'm not saying that, but in a
• 17:19
  Speaker 1: way to like, you know, hey, there might be some
• 17:21
  Speaker 1: opportunity here to meet somebody, because they were I mean
• 17:24
  Speaker 1: everywhere you turn there was a beautiful girl.
• 17:26
  Speaker 2: M h absolutely everywhere, and you just have to get out.
• 17:30
  Speaker 2: If you're an introvert, I get it. I'm kind of
• 17:32
  Speaker 2: an introvert too, and it doesn't always feel good to
• 17:36
  Speaker 2: strike up conversations. It doesn't always feel good to get
• 17:39
  Speaker 2: out when you want to stay home. But if you
• 17:41
  Speaker 2: really are looking for connection, I mean, meeting someone organically
• 17:45
  Speaker 2: is kind of your best route. But I will also say, heck,
• 17:50
  Speaker 2: shoot your shot. Yeah that's right, you know, like, especially
• 17:54
  Speaker 2: for females, that's hard. I don't love that energy.
• 17:57
  Speaker 1: I don't.
• 17:57
  Speaker 2: I would prefer the man to reach out out to you, right,
• 18:02
  Speaker 2: But there are you may not be on somebody's radar,
• 18:04
  Speaker 2: right right, and you're you know, they're on your radar,
• 18:08
  Speaker 2: but they don't know who you are, yeah, right, because
• 18:10
  Speaker 2: you're not popping up on their social media or whatever.
• 18:13
  Speaker 2: But just don't shoot your shot, Like, hey, do you
• 18:15
  Speaker 2: want do you want to go out with me? Like
• 18:17
  Speaker 2: right off the app? Like just start a conversation.
• 18:20
  Speaker 1: Right.
• 18:20
  Speaker 2: This is what my husband did. I noticed you posted
• 18:22
  Speaker 2: some things about this, which was happened to be Christian
• 18:25
  Speaker 2: content because he was a strong believer and he was
• 18:28
  Speaker 2: really walking very close with God. And you know, I
• 18:31
  Speaker 2: was walking close with God, and we were both on
• 18:34
  Speaker 2: this healing journey. We were both healing from abusive x's
• 18:40
  Speaker 2: and we just happened to be at the same on
• 18:43
  Speaker 2: the same journey at the same time, and so it
• 18:45
  Speaker 2: really resonated with him the things that I was posting
• 18:47
  Speaker 2: on social media. You you know, look for people that
• 18:51
  Speaker 2: are similar to you.
• 18:52
  Speaker 1: And well the conversation starting with a conversation versus like
• 18:55
  Speaker 1: just going in head first, like hey, do you want
• 18:57
  Speaker 1: to go out? It allows you to know, are are
• 19:01
  Speaker 1: we somewhat compatible?
• 19:03
  Speaker 2: You know?
• 19:03
  Speaker 1: Do we have some things in common to where it's
• 19:06
  Speaker 1: worth asking amount?
• 19:07
  Speaker 2: You know?
• 19:08
  Speaker 1: Don't I mean never go in head first. I mean
• 19:10
  Speaker 1: I kind of did. Here's my business part that's different.
• 19:13
  Speaker 2: It was a it's at a bar situation. Advice for
• 19:18
  Speaker 2: men on social media. Oh gosh, don't be the creep
• 19:22
  Speaker 2: in the DM. Don't just don't send heart eye emojis
• 19:27
  Speaker 2: in response to their pictures and like, oh god, you're
• 19:31
  Speaker 2: so hot, babe. Stop That sends the biggest creepo gross
• 19:37
  Speaker 2: vibe because we know your mass sending those out and
• 19:40
  Speaker 2: it doesn't it doesn't set you apart, it makes you.
• 19:43
  Speaker 2: It makes us feel creepy. Creeped out. Don't say hi
• 19:46
  Speaker 2: dear or po hire can yeah, and don't ask somebody
• 19:51
  Speaker 2: off the door off like you've never spoken to out
• 19:54
  Speaker 2: right off the bat. No, we don't want to go
• 19:56
  Speaker 2: out with you if we've never had a conversation with you.
• 19:58
  Speaker 2: We want to have a conversation with you first.
• 20:00
  Speaker 1: Yeah. Oh, and for the love of God, please guys
• 20:04
  Speaker 1: a mirror selfies like out, they gotta go if your
• 20:08
  Speaker 1: profile picture is a mirror selfie. It used to be
• 20:11
  Speaker 1: one of my roles if when I was on a
• 20:13
  Speaker 1: dating app, yep, if a guy had a mirror selfie,
• 20:16
  Speaker 1: he was done. He was an automatic.
• 20:18
  Speaker 2: No, you know what I think. What I'm gonna do.
• 20:20
  Speaker 2: I wrote an ebook a long time ago, and I
• 20:22
  Speaker 2: took it off the website just because I had other
• 20:24
  Speaker 2: products that's sold better. But I'm gonna pop it back
• 20:27
  Speaker 2: on there for this next month of how to make
• 20:30
  Speaker 2: a great online day dating profile. If you're a man,
• 20:32
  Speaker 2: that would be great. And it's science based. So I
• 20:34
  Speaker 2: actually went through the science and I looked at what
• 20:37
  Speaker 2: are the things that women are attracted to because there's
• 20:39
  Speaker 2: so much social psychological science around, like what are women
• 20:43
  Speaker 2: trackted to in pictures? What are women tracked to do
• 20:45
  Speaker 2: in real life? Attraction forms from a picture in less
• 20:49
  Speaker 2: than a second. Yep, So your first picture on your
• 20:52
  Speaker 2: dating app has to be a professional ish headshot.
• 20:57
  Speaker 1: Stop having every picture of you and your sunglasses. I
• 21:00
  Speaker 1: don't know what you look like.
• 21:01
  Speaker 2: Smile with your teeth, yes, Smile with your teeth yes.
• 21:04
  Speaker 2: If you are not smiling with your teeth, that just says, hey,
• 21:07
  Speaker 2: I'm embarrassed with my smile and I have bad teeth.
• 21:10
  Speaker 1: Right well, in two things that I feel like people
• 21:12
  Speaker 1: are most attracted to right off the bed or oz
• 21:15
  Speaker 1: and mouth.
• 21:15
  Speaker 2: Yep.
• 21:16
  Speaker 1: So if if you're covering those two things up, it's
• 21:19
  Speaker 1: gonna no. It's a no because I don't know what
• 21:23
  Speaker 1: you look like. And if you're using if you're strictly
• 21:26
  Speaker 1: using dating apps, which again i'm not completely discounting, right,
• 21:31
  Speaker 1: and if that's strictly what you're using in terms of
• 21:33
  Speaker 1: dating in your active dating life, then you've got to
• 21:37
  Speaker 1: do better, right, You've got to You've got to do
• 21:39
  Speaker 1: better in terms of how you present yourself.
• 21:42
  Speaker 2: And in place of filters, use a good light. A
• 21:45
  Speaker 2: good light is going to make you look like you,
• 21:48
  Speaker 2: but it's going to smooth out you know some of
• 21:50
  Speaker 2: those imperfections in your face. Right, use a good light.
• 21:53
  Speaker 2: Have somebody take the picture for you if you're a dude,
• 21:56
  Speaker 2: because dudes suck at taking selfies. It's up the nose.
• 22:01
  Speaker 2: It's like there, I swear to goodness, it cuts half
• 22:04
  Speaker 2: their face off. Have a female who it knows how
• 22:08
  Speaker 2: to take a picture. I don't care. Ask your neighbor,
• 22:11
  Speaker 2: that's your mom. Like, get a twenty five to forty
• 22:16
  Speaker 2: five year old woman to take your picture for you,
• 22:18
  Speaker 2: because that girl knows how to take a picture. I
• 22:21
  Speaker 2: guarantee you okay. They know how to they know how
• 22:23
  Speaker 2: to work them angles.
• 22:24
  Speaker 1: Yep.
• 22:25
  Speaker 2: Right, they use a good light. Use a ring light
• 22:28
  Speaker 2: on your face. They're cheapest heck on Amazon, or go
• 22:31
  Speaker 2: outside in a good lighting.
• 22:33
  Speaker 1: Right.
• 22:34
  Speaker 2: Smile. There's actual research that shows that women are attracted
• 22:38
  Speaker 2: to smiling faces. Why Because you don't look like a predator.
• 22:42
  Speaker 2: You look safer, and that immediate sense of safety that
• 22:46
  Speaker 2: this person is warm and kind it is more attractive.
• 22:49
  Speaker 2: There's a ton of science of attraction. So smile, show
• 22:54
  Speaker 2: your teeth. White in your teeth is a really, really
• 22:56
  Speaker 2: easy way to improve your smile, even if you have
• 22:58
  Speaker 2: crooked teeth. And you can't afford to fix your crooked teeth, Like,
• 23:01
  Speaker 2: I get it. Go buy some cheap white strips now
• 23:04
  Speaker 2: they're very affordable. Of course, ask your dentist. This isn't
• 23:07
  Speaker 2: medical advice. Your dental advice. Okay, if that's safe for you.
• 23:11
  Speaker 2: But whitening your teeth scientifically has been shown to increase
• 23:14
  Speaker 2: your attraction. So there are so many little things that
• 23:17
  Speaker 2: you can do, include a body shot. Weed out the
• 23:20
  Speaker 2: people that would not be attracted to your body. You
• 23:22
  Speaker 2: would be wasting your time.
• 23:24
  Speaker 1: Listen, humor goes along.
• 23:26
  Speaker 2: Oh gosh, watch funny movies. Yeah, humor, watch funny movies,
• 23:29
  Speaker 2: and learn to be witty when humor.
• 23:31
  Speaker 1: When I was in the dating world, like there were
• 23:35
  Speaker 1: a few men actually that I wasn't initially attracted to,
• 23:39
  Speaker 1: but if they sent me a message with that was
• 23:42
  Speaker 1: witty or humorous, like I would usually entertain it because
• 23:47
  Speaker 1: I'm a sucker for somebody. Like if you can make
• 23:49
  Speaker 1: me laugh, And I believe this too, that if you
• 23:51
  Speaker 1: can make a woman laugh, you got your foot in
• 23:55
  Speaker 1: the door.
• 23:55
  Speaker 2: Yeah, but unless you use it as a defense mechanism
• 23:58
  Speaker 2: to abide your feelings. Yeah, we're not talking about that.
• 24:01
  Speaker 2: I dated a da for a year and a half
• 24:03
  Speaker 2: and I actually was not physically attracted him when I
• 24:05
  Speaker 2: first met him. Yeah, but he was so funny, yeah that,
• 24:09
  Speaker 2: I mean, he made me laugh so much. But actually,
• 24:12
  Speaker 2: my husband is the funniest person that I've ever met
• 24:15
  Speaker 2: in my entire life because he's so witty. It's like
• 24:18
  Speaker 2: it's the exact right moment.
• 24:21
  Speaker 1: And Josha's an extremely high vocabulary too, so like, I
• 24:24
  Speaker 1: don't know, He's just like I feel like you have
• 24:26
  Speaker 1: to have almost a really high vocabulary and a somewhat
• 24:30
  Speaker 1: higher IQ to be witty.
• 24:31
  Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, because you have to know it shows a
• 24:33
  Speaker 2: good moment and you have to know where it's going
• 24:35
  Speaker 2: to land, right.
• 24:35
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 24:36
  Speaker 2: And I asked my husband one time. I was like,
• 24:38
  Speaker 2: how did you, like, how did you develop your humor?
• 24:40
  Speaker 2: Like what do you look out? And he's like trauma. Yeah,
• 24:43
  Speaker 2: He's like, well that and he's like, you don't realize
• 24:45
  Speaker 2: there was a period in my life where I was
• 24:47
  Speaker 2: so poor. This was between deployments. Okay, so he's like
• 24:51
  Speaker 2: an early twenties, between going to Iraq and Afghanistan. He's like,
• 24:55
  Speaker 2: where I didn't have cable, so I went to the
• 24:56
  Speaker 2: library and I watched every single movie for like a
• 24:59
  Speaker 2: year that they had. And he's like, you don't realize this,
• 25:02
  Speaker 2: but most of my lines are from movies, so like that.
• 25:05
  Speaker 2: But he's like, but it developed like this great bank
• 25:08
  Speaker 2: of like funny one liners, and like they work in
• 25:12
  Speaker 2: like a lot of different situations. And I mean he's
• 25:14
  Speaker 2: watched a lot of movie. Literally, I'm like, you've watched
• 25:17
  Speaker 2: every movie. He's like, I tried.
• 25:20
  Speaker 1: I love goodwitty humor, but yes, you know, I think
• 25:24
  Speaker 1: being able to tell the difference between someone who uses
• 25:28
  Speaker 1: that all the time, you know, So I think you've
• 25:30
  Speaker 1: got to be able to dissect whether they're using you know,
• 25:34
  Speaker 1: humor with a good mix of a little bit of vulnerability.
• 25:37
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and emotional maturity. And so I think that that
• 25:41
  Speaker 2: brings me to probably my biggest point about dating, which
• 25:44
  Speaker 2: is earn your attachment security. I cannot I cannot stress
• 25:49
  Speaker 2: that enough, because insecure people attract insecure people, and insecure
• 25:53
  Speaker 2: people they initial they ignore red flags, they missread flags,
• 25:59
  Speaker 2: and the ones they do they ignore because they mistake
• 26:02
  Speaker 2: their fear response from those red flags for excitement, because
• 26:05
  Speaker 2: fear and excitement have the same feeling right in the body,
• 26:09
  Speaker 2: and so they mistake the fear of somebody, for example,
• 26:14
  Speaker 2: being a little inconsistent in their responses, or something that
• 26:17
  Speaker 2: someone says that's off color, that doesn't sit right, that
• 26:20
  Speaker 2: it produces a fear response. That then somebody mistakes this
• 26:23
  Speaker 2: excitement in chemistry and it makes someone want to attach more.
• 26:26
  Speaker 2: And if you have especially those anxious wounds where you know,
• 26:31
  Speaker 2: or the fearful avoidant wounds where anxious and fearful avoidant
• 26:35
  Speaker 2: feel the need to prove themselves and or change people,
• 26:39
  Speaker 2: that's what they feel like, I'm you love me if
• 26:42
  Speaker 2: I can get you to change, right, And that comes
• 26:44
  Speaker 2: from childhood, right like that a parent that didn't change
• 26:47
  Speaker 2: for you and treat you the way you needed to
• 26:49
  Speaker 2: be treated. You're trying to get a different ending through
• 26:51
  Speaker 2: your relationships, right, because it's all from the subconscious guys,
• 26:55
  Speaker 2: and so in avoidant people, they come in strong at
• 27:00
  Speaker 2: the beginning and then they back away and disappear so confusing.
• 27:04
  Speaker 2: It's so confusing. But you will be able to tell
• 27:08
  Speaker 2: those people a part if you are secure and you
• 27:12
  Speaker 2: will not be attracted to those red flags. You will
• 27:15
  Speaker 2: be I was so repelled by red flags when I
• 27:18
  Speaker 2: went back on the dating market. I mean there are
• 27:21
  Speaker 2: a number of dudes that kept really trying, but their
• 27:24
  Speaker 2: red flags made me ill. Yeah, and there were literally
• 27:27
  Speaker 2: a few of them that I was like, I just
• 27:30
  Speaker 2: don't I'm sorry, but there's nothing here, like I just
• 27:33
  Speaker 2: don't want to lead you on, like please move on,
• 27:35
  Speaker 2: please don't text me? And some people I just had a.
• 27:37
  Speaker 1: Block, which brings us to another great point. Don't ghost,
• 27:41
  Speaker 1: don't gast ghost people like listen. It's okay if you
• 27:45
  Speaker 1: don't have chemistry and you're not compatible with a person, right,
• 27:49
  Speaker 1: but they they deserve an explanation. Don't be that person.
• 27:54
  Speaker 1: Don't be that gal. Don't be a coward, because it is.
• 27:58
  Speaker 2: Unless they're abusive and crazy. If they're abusive and crazy
• 28:01
  Speaker 2: and stalking you, okay, just block them and move on. Right,
• 28:04
  Speaker 2: But if you've had somewhat of a connection with them
• 28:07
  Speaker 2: at all, if you've gone on a date with them,
• 28:08
  Speaker 2: if you've been chatting with them, don't ghost. No dismissive avoidance.
• 28:11
  Speaker 2: I'm talking to you too, okay, sorry, Yeah, don't ghost.
• 28:15
  Speaker 2: You're a cowardice you would rather just walk away at
• 28:18
  Speaker 2: the expense of someone else's feelings then and compartmentalize that
• 28:22
  Speaker 2: and pretend like it didn't matter. It's horrible. It's actually gross.
• 28:27
  Speaker 1: I got ghosted so many times. Oh yeah, I got
• 28:30
  Speaker 1: ghosted so many times in my dating life.
• 28:33
  Speaker 2: Here's what you say. You just say, Hey, I want
• 28:36
  Speaker 2: you to know that I think you're a great person.
• 28:39
  Speaker 2: But after you know this connection, I've just kind of
• 28:42
  Speaker 2: realized that I don't really think that we're compatible. But
• 28:45
  Speaker 2: I just wanted to wish you well because I think
• 28:46
  Speaker 2: you're an awesome person.
• 28:47
  Speaker 1: I think a good addition to the e book would
• 28:50
  Speaker 1: be like a section where we put concrete responses to
• 28:54
  Speaker 1: like specific text, like how you text somebody like you,
• 28:59
  Speaker 1: what you would say in that scenario, like if you
• 29:01
  Speaker 1: maybe you've been on three or four days and you
• 29:04
  Speaker 1: don't see it going anywhere that person deserves. Hey, I've
• 29:07
  Speaker 1: really enjoyed our time together, but I just don't see
• 29:09
  Speaker 1: a lot of compatibility.
• 29:10
  Speaker 2: That's right.
• 29:10
  Speaker 1: I wish you the best, that's right.
• 29:12
  Speaker 2: And and then at that point their feelings are theirs
• 29:14
  Speaker 2: to handle. Right, But you did the respectful thing, because
• 29:17
  Speaker 2: I do believe in this life you owe people honesty
• 29:20
  Speaker 2: and respect always.
• 29:21
  Speaker 1: Yep.
• 29:21
  Speaker 2: Right, unless there're Abu Siven hurting you in some way, right,
• 29:25
  Speaker 2: then we can draw hard boundaries around not no contact.
• 29:29
  Speaker 1: Because if they come back and are hateful or spiteful
• 29:31
  Speaker 1: or you know, they feel rejected. I mean you can
• 29:34
  Speaker 1: even say, like if you know, if they're hateful, Hey,
• 29:37
  Speaker 1: this isn't a rejection. This is simply about compatibility. Yeah,
• 29:40
  Speaker 1: I'm doing you like, I don't want to waste your time.
• 29:43
  Speaker 2: That's right. And you know, at the end of the day,
• 29:45
  Speaker 2: you can say I'm really sorry that you feel that way.
• 29:47
  Speaker 2: I'm sorry you feel hurt by this. I never really
• 29:50
  Speaker 2: meant to hurt you, you know, I just I just
• 29:52
  Speaker 2: don't want to waste your time war mine.
• 29:53
  Speaker 1: Yeah, and then people will move on. They will will
• 29:58
  Speaker 1: move on, will be fine, that's right.
• 30:00
  Speaker 2: Time list.
• 30:00
  Speaker 1: But every time I got ghosted, I feel like either way,
• 30:05
  Speaker 1: if if somebody would have come to me and said, hey,
• 30:08
  Speaker 1: there's just not a lot of compatibility here, right, it
• 30:10
  Speaker 1: would hurt, It would have sung. But nothing stings worse
• 30:14
  Speaker 1: than the unknowing right right, and just feeling like discarded.
• 30:18
  Speaker 2: It's super disrespect it's so disrespectful.
• 30:21
  Speaker 1: And I got ghosted so many times and I just hey.
• 30:24
  Speaker 2: For and it makes the guys that ghosted me shame
• 30:27
  Speaker 2: on you. Sorry, It just makes you a loser.
• 30:30
  Speaker 1: It does make you a loser.
• 30:31
  Speaker 2: You're a loser if he does people.
• 30:32
  Speaker 3: Ye.
• 30:33
  Speaker 2: Sorry, I agree, you're not a winner. And I pity
• 30:36
  Speaker 2: the next person that day to you. Yeah, because you're
• 30:38
  Speaker 2: a coward.
• 30:39
  Speaker 1: Yep, don't be that. Don't be that guy. Don't be
• 30:42
  Speaker 1: that girl. Don't because girls do it too.
• 30:43
  Speaker 2: They do. No, this is not just a yeah guy problem.
• 30:46
  Speaker 1: Girls do it too for sure, So I listen. We
• 30:49
  Speaker 1: know that dating is just so difficult, and we don't
• 30:53
  Speaker 1: envy any of the single folks out there that are
• 30:55
  Speaker 1: still having to do it.
• 30:58
  Speaker 2: But if you need to earn your attachment secure, if
• 31:00
  Speaker 2: you are so sick of dating crappy people, come see me.
• 31:05
  Speaker 1: Yes, I will help you.
• 31:07
  Speaker 2: Get to the point where you are a magnet for
• 31:09
  Speaker 2: good people because we did the work and guess.
• 31:11
  Speaker 1: What, we found our partner.
• 31:12
  Speaker 2: We found our partner almost immediately after we really put
• 31:16
  Speaker 2: ourselves out there.
• 31:16
  Speaker 1: Yeah, it's true, and you know it's so much better
• 31:21
  Speaker 1: to do it before you get married, right because it's
• 31:24
  Speaker 1: gonna it's gonna set you up for a better, healthier
• 31:27
  Speaker 1: and more successful marriage.
• 31:29
  Speaker 2: Yes, please don't marry somebody that you know deep in
• 31:31
  Speaker 2: your heart you shouldn't marry. I did it on my
• 31:37
  Speaker 2: rehearsal dinner day. At the rehearsal, okay, we're getting ready
• 31:43
  Speaker 2: to go to dinner, I burst into tears. And what
• 31:47
  Speaker 2: was behind those tears that I couldn't confront was that
• 31:51
  Speaker 2: that was a it was going to be a huge mistake,
• 31:54
  Speaker 2: and I knew it deep down, but I was confused,
• 31:58
  Speaker 2: like why am I crying? I was so emotionally unaware
• 32:02
  Speaker 2: at that point in my life at twenty five.
• 32:06
  Speaker 1: You didn't even know.
• 32:07
  Speaker 2: I didn't even know.
• 32:08
  Speaker 1: That's exactly what it was.
• 32:10
  Speaker 2: It's exactly what it was. I know now because I
• 32:12
  Speaker 2: can even feel it in my body. I can reflect
• 32:15
  Speaker 2: on that moment and feel it in my body of
• 32:19
  Speaker 2: what I was feeling, which was like do not do them?
• 32:22
  Speaker 3: Do it?
• 32:22
  Speaker 2: And I wish And I'm not blaming my parents, but
• 32:26
  Speaker 2: if my daughter had dated that man and gone through
• 32:30
  Speaker 2: what he put me through in the dating phase, you'd
• 32:33
  Speaker 2: been like, I'd have been like, I ain't funding your wedding,
• 32:36
  Speaker 2: no way, nohow. And I mean, obviously I was an
• 32:40
  Speaker 2: adult and they couldn't have stopped me. I could have
• 32:43
  Speaker 2: ran away and married him, and I maybe I would have.
• 32:45
  Speaker 2: I don't know, but they gave me a beautiful wedding.
• 32:48
  Speaker 2: There's been a whole lot of money on that wedding.
• 32:50
  Speaker 2: There's no way in heck, girls, my girls, you hear
• 32:54
  Speaker 2: me now, I'm not going to fund your wedding if
• 32:57
  Speaker 2: you're marrying a bad person. Okay, you know your mom
• 33:00
  Speaker 2: is going to know.
• 33:01
  Speaker 1: Yeah, okay, oh, the parents always know. Listen, at the
• 33:04
  Speaker 1: end of the day, just achieve. Listen. Achieving your attachment
• 33:08
  Speaker 1: security is a journey, it is. But if you are
• 33:10
  Speaker 1: between the ages, let's just say nineteen to twenty eight, yeah,
• 33:16
  Speaker 1: you know, which I think is a big part of
• 33:18
  Speaker 1: the span of your life where you're dating, probably pretty
• 33:21
  Speaker 1: heavily during that time, not discounting the people that are
• 33:24
  Speaker 1: older and have been through divorces and then have to
• 33:26
  Speaker 1: go back into the dating field, because I think that
• 33:28
  Speaker 1: might even be a little bit harder. But I'm talking
• 33:30
  Speaker 1: about that younger.
• 33:32
  Speaker 2: Yeah, do it now, Do it now, Do it.
• 33:35
  Speaker 1: Now, because if you get into a marriage, now, if
• 33:38
  Speaker 1: you're born secure and you've found in somebody who's born secure, there.
• 33:42
  Speaker 2: Are people like that.
• 33:43
  Speaker 1: There are I do believe that there are people that
• 33:46
  Speaker 1: get together in high school and they're both born secures
• 33:48
  Speaker 1: and they have beautiful, happy, healthyre marriage and they marry young.
• 33:52
  Speaker 1: But listen, the thing about marrying young one I'm so
• 33:57
  Speaker 1: glad I didn't do it. I would have been divorced,
• 34:00
  Speaker 1: is that there's not enough time, right because healing is
• 34:04
  Speaker 1: a journey and it takes time, and it takes life experience.
• 34:07
  Speaker 1: And so take the time while you're single in that
• 34:10
  Speaker 1: young age before you get married again. This isn't for
• 34:12
  Speaker 1: the people who have been married and divorced and going
• 34:14
  Speaker 1: back to the dating world. Take the time now to
• 34:17
  Speaker 1: do it, to seek out healing your attachment wounds. It
• 34:22
  Speaker 1: will be the best investment that you could possibly make
• 34:27
  Speaker 1: because it is one hundred percent the truth that the
• 34:30
  Speaker 1: person you marry has the most impact on your life.
• 34:34
  Speaker 2: It is the choice that has the most impact on
• 34:37
  Speaker 2: your emotional wellbeing, your physical wellbeing, your finances, your parenting.
• 34:44
  Speaker 2: And so many people do what I did, which was
• 34:47
  Speaker 2: date somebody that had a lot of problems, but I
• 34:50
  Speaker 2: was attached to them, and all of my friends were
• 34:51
  Speaker 2: getting married. I was in my mid twenties, and I
• 34:53
  Speaker 2: was afraid that I was going to miss out and
• 34:55
  Speaker 2: I was going to age out of the dating market
• 34:58
  Speaker 2: and I got married because it was the cool thing
• 35:00
  Speaker 2: to do and I wanted to lock somebody down. And
• 35:03
  Speaker 2: he was attractive, but he treated me like absolute dirt.
• 35:08
  Speaker 2: And I coach couples all the time. I actually had
• 35:10
  Speaker 2: a couple. I'll never forget them. It's the only couple
• 35:14
  Speaker 2: that I agreed not to ever work with. I fired
• 35:17
  Speaker 2: them because actually the guy was such a narcissist. He
• 35:25
  Speaker 2: couldn't even agree on my attachment assessment of him. He
• 35:31
  Speaker 2: tried to fight me on what his attachment style was.
• 35:34
  Speaker 1: You're like, listen, dude, I'm the professional here.
• 35:37
  Speaker 2: Okay, You're coming to me to do the assessment. But
• 35:40
  Speaker 2: then I give you my findings and then you not
• 35:44
  Speaker 2: just disagree with me, hatefully disagree with me and yelled
• 35:48
  Speaker 2: at this His fiance, remember this, coming yelled at her
• 35:52
  Speaker 2: and belittled her. And I looked straight in her eye
• 35:56
  Speaker 2: and I said, do not marry him. Do not do it.
• 36:00
  Speaker 1: She didn't.
• 36:00
  Speaker 2: I bet she probably did. She was like funding his
• 36:04
  Speaker 2: life and like she was all right. And her parents
• 36:08
  Speaker 2: were the reason they were there is because her parents
• 36:10
  Speaker 2: were like trying to say that they couldn't get married. Yeah,
• 36:12
  Speaker 2: and I'm like they're right, Yeah, I know, I do
• 36:15
  Speaker 2: not marry this person.
• 36:16
  Speaker 1: That's the thing. Like, if I could go back to
• 36:18
  Speaker 1: like twenty one, twenty four, twenty five year old Raina, right,
• 36:23
  Speaker 1: like that person that was in that same boat that
• 36:25
  Speaker 1: you just described, Like all my friends were getting married.
• 36:28
  Speaker 1: I felt like one I had a child, so I
• 36:31
  Speaker 1: felt like I needed to be married. Now I never
• 36:33
  Speaker 1: married my son's father. You almost did, thank god, I
• 36:35
  Speaker 1: almost did. Almost. We were engaged for two weeks. I
• 36:39
  Speaker 1: think it was like Hollywood engaged. But if I could
• 36:44
  Speaker 1: go back to that girl who was spending all of
• 36:47
  Speaker 1: her money on really pointless shit, yeah, like clothes and
• 36:52
  Speaker 1: makeup and just dumb stuff, buy a duplex instead, Buy
• 36:57
  Speaker 1: a duplex instead, and in best and you're healing.
• 37:01
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and you're healing, and that's all the those healing.
• 37:03
  Speaker 1: Like that's that's what you know. I mean, if I
• 37:06
  Speaker 1: if I could go back knowing what I know now,
• 37:09
  Speaker 1: you know, And granted I wouldn't change anything in my
• 37:11
  Speaker 1: life has turned out wonderful, and I'm thankful for the
• 37:14
  Speaker 1: way that it's played out, But there's nothing. If you
• 37:19
  Speaker 1: can have a leg up in this world that we
• 37:22
  Speaker 1: are in, and if you can have a leg up
• 37:24
  Speaker 1: in the dating world that we live in today.
• 37:28
  Speaker 2: Or in your attachment security.
• 37:29
  Speaker 1: I'll tell you know.
• 37:29
  Speaker 2: If you don't know what that is, come to my
• 37:31
  Speaker 2: website at dating decoder dot com join my group, or
• 37:36
  Speaker 2: at the very minimum, by the course and do it
• 37:38
  Speaker 2: on your own, but the group can really give you
• 37:41
  Speaker 2: a lot more direction. It's life changing. And when I
• 37:45
  Speaker 2: say life changing, I mean like you're going to be
• 37:47
  Speaker 2: a fundamentally different human being. You're going to be so
• 37:51
  Speaker 2: much more resilient to life's stressors. And listen, life traumatizes everybody,
• 37:56
  Speaker 2: and you best be ready for it. Yeah, you best
• 37:58
  Speaker 2: be ready for it. And you want to make sure
• 38:00
  Speaker 2: that you're the most resilient you know, form of yourself
• 38:04
  Speaker 2: that you can be, which will absolutely change your choice
• 38:08
  Speaker 2: of partner.
• 38:09
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 38:09
  Speaker 2: It will make sure that you have the skills to
• 38:11
  Speaker 2: manage that relationship well and be happy. You will raise
• 38:14
  Speaker 2: secure and healthy children that don't have problems. You will
• 38:18
  Speaker 2: probably make better decisions in all of your life earning
• 38:22
  Speaker 2: your attachment security.
• 38:23
  Speaker 1: And even if you're not in the dating world, like
• 38:26
  Speaker 1: say you're just single and love and life and like
• 38:29
  Speaker 1: maybe you're on a sabbatical of dating, like it's still
• 38:33
  Speaker 1: worth just doing it, it's going to feel worth doing it,
• 38:36
  Speaker 1: it's still going to improve your life. Yes, So for
• 38:39
  Speaker 1: all those single ladies and fellows out there, we love you,
• 38:43
  Speaker 1: We love you so much, help you, and our hearts
• 38:46
  Speaker 1: just go out to you. Not that we pity you,
• 38:49
  Speaker 1: because you know.
• 38:49
  Speaker 2: We were there just not too long.
• 38:51
  Speaker 1: Well.
• 38:51
  Speaker 3: And I mean, there are.
• 38:52
  Speaker 1: So many parts of my single life that I love.
• 38:55
  Speaker 1: Oh sure, I love you know, you know not that
• 38:58
  Speaker 1: I mean I feel like Josh and I really honor
• 39:01
  Speaker 1: each other's independence really well. But you know, there's a
• 39:03
  Speaker 1: there's a different sense of independence with your singlehood that
• 39:07
  Speaker 1: is really beautiful and a time to you know, revel
• 39:10
  Speaker 1: in that and and love your love that version of yourself.
• 39:14
  Speaker 1: But a way to love that version of yourself even
• 39:17
  Speaker 1: more is to achieve your attachment security. And so if
• 39:21
  Speaker 1: you're looking for that, go to doctor Hinsley's website, the
• 39:24
  Speaker 1: Datingdecoder dot com. Check out all her services there. And
• 39:28
  Speaker 1: if you are loving this content, if you are enjoying
• 39:30
  Speaker 1: what we're talking about, which we hope that you are,
• 39:32
  Speaker 1: please like, follow, subscribe, and leave us a review. And
• 39:37
  Speaker 1: until next time, peace, love and perspective