Latest / The Mental Healness Podcast / THE COST OF STAYING: What Happens When You Won’t Leave a Narcissist

Transcript

THE COST OF STAYING: What Happens When You Won’t Leave a Narcissist · The Mental Healness Podcast

• 0:02
  I see y'all in the comments, y'all be saying Lee, I know that
• 0:07
  they are a narcissist. I know they've hurt me.
• 0:10
  I know they've put me through hell.
• 0:13
  But I can't leave or or I don't want to leave.
• 0:17
  I'm going to stick through. I'm going to stand by my person.
• 0:20
  My religious belief says I got to stay here.
• 0:22
  Whatever it is, right? Usually what the Internet tells
• 0:26
  you like they'll they'll yell at you, they will call you weak,
• 0:29
  they will call you all types of names, they'll say you weak, you
• 0:32
  stupid, they'll say all that type of stuff like that right?
• 0:35
  I'm not going to do that right? Y'all know me Lee Hammock, the
• 0:39
  diagnosed self aware narcissist that that helps people.
• 0:41
  I'm not going to call you names right?
• 0:44
  I've got look because I know why you stay.
• 0:47
  I know why some people can't leave right now.
• 0:49
  I know why some people feel like they're stuck in the mud and
• 0:51
  what not, right? Some people feel like they're
• 0:54
  invested. Some people are afraid.
• 0:56
  Some people have different reasons and what not, right?
• 0:59
  Some people religious belief keeps them stuck, keeps them
• 1:01
  there. But I'm also going to tell you,
• 1:03
  right, I got to look. I got to keep it real.
• 1:04
  I got to keep it hot and ready like a little Caesar pizza.
• 1:07
  I'm going to tell you the truth that staying with a narcissist
• 1:12
  comes with a price. It has a steep price tag
• 1:15
  attached to it like it it look the price tag, the price you got
• 1:19
  to pay is like one of the magic going to the store.
• 1:22
  You're like oh, I like this right.
• 1:23
  How much how much it cost and you flip the price tag over and
• 1:26
  you look at it like this. That's the price tag you didn't
• 1:29
  look whatever cost make your eyes pop out like this.
• 1:32
  That's the cost you got to pay right, So that's that's what we
• 1:36
  talked about today. Y'all, today we're talking about
• 1:38
  the bill you have to pay every single day when you choose to
• 1:42
  live with a narcissistic person, when you are stuck with a
• 1:44
  narcissistic predator or toxic person or whatnot, y'all.
• 1:47
  So let's talk about the reality of staying and what's going on
• 1:51
  y'all? Happy day, happy day Madonna,
• 1:53
  what's up, What is up? What's up?
• 1:55
  My first what's going on, girl? Well, so y'all, yeah, if you're
• 1:58
  in the live, make sure y'all hit that thumbs up, drop a comment
• 2:02
  and whatnot. Stay strong, stay empowered and
• 2:04
  all that other good stuff. It sure does.
• 2:06
  I'm glad I walked away seven months ago.
• 2:07
  There you go. Good.
• 2:08
  Good job. Good job, good job.
• 2:09
  But yeah, we going to hop right into it today, y'all?
• 2:13
  I appreciate y'all being here. I really, really do.
• 2:16
  Hop right into it. We're going to talk about, first
• 2:19
  thing we're going to talk about is radical acceptance.
• 2:24
  Do you know what radical acceptance is?
• 2:26
  Radical acceptance means like if you, if you stay with a
• 2:30
  narcissist or an, a toxic relationship dynamic, right?
• 2:33
  The first thing you really have to kill is the hope that that
• 2:37
  narcissist will be better, the hope that they will change, the
• 2:40
  hope that things will get better or you'll find true happiness in
• 2:43
  this relationship dynamic. You're pretty much radical
• 2:46
  acceptance means you're, you see it, you see, you see it, you
• 2:49
  know it and you understand that it's not going to change those
• 2:52
  radical acceptances. You, you understand that they're
• 2:54
  not going to stop cheating. You understand that they're not
• 2:56
  going to stop putting their hands on you.
• 2:58
  You understand that they're not going to stop yelling at you or
• 3:00
  give you the solid treatment or talking to your friends and
• 3:03
  they're not going to stop, stop, stop screaming at you or it's
• 3:06
  lying to you or spreading rumors about you.
• 3:07
  They're not going to stop doing it.
• 3:08
  That's what radical acceptance is, choosing, understanding
• 3:11
  that, hey, look, this is who they are.
• 3:14
  They're not going to change who they are.
• 3:15
  And if I want to be in, if I'm going to choose to stay, I have
• 3:19
  to accept who they are. Pretty much let go of hope.
• 3:21
  You know, imagine hope is like a imagine hope is like a helium
• 3:27
  balloon, right? Like one of the balloons you got
• 3:29
  and you have a string attached to it and you're holding on to
• 3:32
  it. You let go of it.
• 3:34
  Where's that balloon going to go?
• 3:36
  It's going to fly off. You have to let go of that
• 3:39
  balloon because it you're hoping, hold on.
• 3:41
  The hope keeps your stuff right. So you have to let go of that
• 3:44
  balloon. Whether you choose to go or you
• 3:46
  choose to stay, you got to let go of that hope balloon and let
• 3:49
  it fly off. You got to let it float off,
• 3:51
  right? You have to accept that the
• 3:52
  person that love bombed you like they sent their representative.
• 3:57
  It wasn't the real version of them they sent.
• 4:00
  It's like kind of like a movie. They sent that.
• 4:01
  They sent their trailer. They sent the trailer for the
• 4:04
  movie, right? The preview for that movie.
• 4:06
  But if the movie sucked, the preview, look, the preview for
• 4:10
  the narcissistic relationship was way better than the actual
• 4:14
  movie. You know what I mean?
• 4:17
  The preview for the narcissistic relationship is way better than
• 4:21
  the movie. Like man that pre you ever seen
• 4:22
  a movie before you like man that preview look fire.
• 4:26
  Damn I can't wait to see that. That's what love bombing is.
• 4:29
  It's the preview to a bad movie. They look they put all the good
• 4:32
  parts in the preview and then now you got when you go see the
• 4:36
  movie. The movie sucks.
• 4:37
  That's what love bombing is. Love bombing really is like a
• 4:40
  fake movie. They sit there clickbait.
• 4:43
  Yes, absolutely. That's what goes on right there.
• 4:45
  Y'all? It's a trailer for the worst
• 4:47
  movie ever made. You know what I mean?
• 4:49
  The person radical acceptance means you accepting that the
• 4:52
  person in front of you, the person that is cold, dismissive,
• 4:56
  egotistical, self-centered, abusive, narcissistic, This is
• 5:00
  the real version of them. Not who you met, not who loved
• 5:03
  bombed you. This version of them right now,
• 5:07
  this is who they are. That's what radical acceptance
• 5:08
  is. That's what you have to do.
• 5:10
  You have to radically accept if you choose to stay, that this is
• 5:13
  what or who you're going to be dealing with.
• 5:15
  That's what that means right there.
• 5:16
  You know, So you have to ask yourself this.
• 5:18
  Ask yourself this question right here.
• 5:22
  Can you live with this person for another 20-30, forty 50
• 5:27
  years? Some of y'all young, right?
• 5:29
  Some of y'all y'all 20s say 30s 50-60 years with this person.
• 5:33
  I just saw a couple the other day on on tick.
• 5:35
  It was tick tock. It was Facebook or tick tock
• 5:38
  married for 77 years, he 9777 years, he 97 and she 95 They had
• 5:48
  77. They only thing they know is
• 5:50
  each other. Can you deal with that for the
• 5:52
  rest of your existence? Right is of course, you have to
• 5:54
  ask yourself if you choose to say, oh, I got 50 years left for
• 5:57
  this. It's kind of like the jail jail
• 5:59
  sentence, ain't it? You know?
• 6:01
  So when when you are are choosing to stay or you feel
• 6:03
  like you're stuck, one thing you got to do, you got to stop
• 6:05
  trying to heal them, right? Stop trying to change them so
• 6:08
  they can love you better. They are who they are.
• 6:11
  That's one thing that you absolutely have to accept when
• 6:13
  you're dealing with this type of person.
• 6:15
  They are who they are finally alive.
• 6:17
  Yes, ma'am. Welcome, welcome, welcome.
• 6:19
  They are who they are. And that's what happens right
• 6:22
  there. You have to radically accept who
• 6:25
  this person is right now. And I know that sucks for a lot
• 6:31
  of people. Right?
• 6:32
  Like, damn, I got to accept this.
• 6:33
  This sucks. Yeah, exactly.
• 6:35
  It sucks. But this is what this is the
• 6:37
  pathway we own right now. See that blue fox?
• 6:40
  I was captive for 20 years. That's what it feels like right
• 6:42
  here. Jail it.
• 6:43
  Who's that? Jail is safer.
• 6:44
  Oh, that's rough. Oh, they're right there.
• 6:49
  Everyone goes on validation and they love knowing they have
• 6:51
  power to affect you. Yep, that is absolutely true
• 6:53
  right there. That is 100% true.
• 6:56
  That was they love having that power.
• 6:57
  They love when they can get a reaction out of you because that
• 7:00
  benefits them. Your reactions benefit them, you
• 7:03
  know, and I was like, I feel like when you if you choose to
• 7:06
  stay, you right. I can't accept a liar and a
• 7:09
  shooter. Yeah, a lot of people can't, but
• 7:11
  some people feel some people are stuck.
• 7:12
  It's not for like everybody who choose everybody who's in a
• 7:14
  narcissistic relationship isn't just choosing the state stuck.
• 7:17
  Some people are stuck, some people are financially stuck.
• 7:20
  Some people are, you know, religiously, whatever the case
• 7:22
  may be, some people are absolutely stuck.
• 7:24
  And if you get stuck, right, fuck is the with being an like
• 7:43
  your world. When you're with a narcissist,
• 7:48
  your world is going to shrink, right?
• 7:51
  You're part of you're, you're a part of a shrinking world.
• 7:54
  When you when you're with a narcissist, when you stay with a
• 7:56
  narcissist, your world, your world inevitably gets smaller.
• 8:02
  It really does. Like, you stop seeing friends,
• 8:05
  you stop seeing family members, you stop being around people
• 8:08
  that you loved and cared about because you're tired of
• 8:11
  explaining the bruises on your body, the bruises on your soul,
• 8:14
  your sadness, your weight gain, your weight loss.
• 8:17
  You're tired of explaining why you haven't heard.
• 8:18
  They haven't heard for you in a long time.
• 8:21
  Why you, you seem to say why you had to delete your Facebook, why
• 8:23
  you had to quit your job, why you had to move.
• 8:25
  They're like, you see what I'm saying?
• 8:27
  You get tired of explaining that.
• 8:29
  So you yourself sometimes bow out.
• 8:31
  Your friends don't cut you off, you isolate yourself from them.
• 8:34
  You cut them off because you're tired of it, right?
• 8:37
  And sometimes they cut you off because they get tired of it
• 8:39
  too, right? But like, you stop sharing your
• 8:42
  wins because like that narcissist will just find a way
• 8:48
  to make the make your wins about them or to diminish or
• 8:52
  invalidate your wins. That's what happens eventually.
• 8:55
  It's just easier to just be with them.
• 8:58
  It's just in your own tiny box and just keep everything to
• 9:01
  yourself. Eventually that's how it goes.
• 9:03
  And yes, absolutely, Tracy, it is depressing, Small, small
• 9:07
  world, crippling. Yes, your world will shrink.
• 9:10
  It's like the shrinking world, your world will inevitably get
• 9:14
  smaller when you're dealing with a toxic narcissistic person.
• 9:17
  That's one thing that is it's going to happen y'all and but
• 9:20
  it's like I said this right here, this video.
• 9:22
  Hopefully it wakes you up to understand that your world is
• 9:24
  shrinking and can you do something about a shrinking
• 9:26
  world? Yeah, you can do like I said it
• 9:28
  it doesn't have to it's doomy. It's so when you are in a when
• 9:34
  you stuck in a task relationship right with a narcissist, it's
• 9:37
  kind of like the weather is is rainy outside, right?
• 9:40
  It's rainy, it's cloudy, it's cold, but they don't mean you
• 9:43
  can't go outside, right? Just because you stuck in here,
• 9:47
  it's just like doesn't mean you can't go outside and do
• 9:50
  something that you actually want to do.
• 9:53
  You know what I mean? You can make space for yourself
• 9:56
  within this dynamic. You can like say when you
• 9:58
  understand that your world is shrinking, you yourself can not
• 10:02
  I'm not I'm not saying you can unshrink it, but you can slow
• 10:04
  down the shrinking, right? This what ends up happening
• 10:07
  right here, this point in my life, I don't give a damn if
• 10:09
  he's a cheater or a liar. He's in prison for cheating on
• 10:11
  me basically, and I don't care about the final.
• 10:13
  There you go find that peace. Peace is worth protecting.
• 10:16
  He eat prison tacos for the next 10 years.
• 10:19
  Woo. That's exactly how it happened.
• 10:21
  Yep. They shrink your world.
• 10:23
  Your world is shrinking. Jennifer says thank you.
• 10:25
  You have me so much. There you go.
• 10:25
  Power up prison tacos. Yeah, you'll get nothing and
• 10:31
  like it. An actual narc quote.
• 10:32
  That's devious right there. That's devious, you know, that's
• 10:37
  devious. You'll get nothing like it.
• 10:38
  It's crazy to say to somebody, but your world does shrink, man.
• 10:41
  And like when you go through the cycle of abuse in a narcissistic
• 10:44
  relationship, you see what I'm saying?
• 10:46
  It's it really is a cycle. The tension is building, you
• 10:50
  know, the tension builds. It's a lack of lack of
• 10:52
  communication. Victim becomes like, you become
• 10:55
  fearful, then something happens. An incident happens, a verbal
• 10:59
  incident, physical incident, something happens, emotional
• 11:02
  abuse happens. Some type of abuse occurs.
• 11:05
  Then inevitably in a toxic relationship, there's some type
• 11:08
  of reconciliation, right? You find some way to get back
• 11:11
  together, they apologize. They say I'm sorry for
• 11:13
  everything you made me do that or or you end up apologizing to
• 11:18
  them for something they did to you.
• 11:21
  And when you do that, that just they, that means they're going
• 11:27
  to do it again. And then after the
• 11:29
  reconciliation, there's the calm, but the calm is before the
• 11:32
  storm in the tension builds and then the incident and then
• 11:35
  reconciliation, the calm. There's a cycle of narcissistic
• 11:37
  abuse. I do have a course about the
• 11:40
  cycle of narcissistic abuse. It's called Understanding the
• 11:42
  seven Stages of a task relationship.
• 11:44
  Y'all can find it at my yeah, I was waiting for this live.
• 11:46
  Y'all can find it here. courses.mentalillness.net.
• 11:49
  Y'all want to check out my course about understanding the
• 11:51
  stages of narcissistic abuse. It's very inexpensive course,
• 11:55
  but another thing you do lose, right?
• 11:57
  Another thing that happens to you when you when you're stuck
• 11:59
  with a narcissist is the what people refer to as losing your
• 12:02
  identity or the identity trade off, right?
• 12:05
  You will become a smaller person, a smaller version of
• 12:09
  yourself. Your light will become dimmer.
• 12:12
  When you're with a narcissist, in order to keep the peace, you
• 12:15
  can't outshine them. Otherwise they'll try to dull
• 12:18
  your light or knock the punch the light out, right?
• 12:21
  Literally, you will become a smaller version of yourself.
• 12:23
  You have to learn how to swallow your opinions.
• 12:26
  Zip it like your opinions don't matter, your needs don't matter.
• 12:30
  Your voice just gets just your voice just gets.
• 12:35
  The volume of your voice gets turned down in this toxic
• 12:38
  relationship dynamic consistently over and over
• 12:43
  again. It just gets turned down over
• 12:45
  and over again. What's going on over and over
• 12:49
  again. What's going on, Angie?
• 12:51
  That's what happens right there. Seriously, My world, my world.
• 12:56
  Shrink to a pinpoint. Oh, but as soon as the Feds
• 12:58
  arrested him, you bet your ass I jumped to the pinpoint.
• 13:00
  There you go, right on out of there.
• 13:03
  Good job. But you will, like I said, you
• 13:05
  will lose your identity. Now the question a lot of people
• 13:10
  ask, the question a lot of people ask right here, is can
• 13:14
  you be happy? I want y'all to answer the
• 13:20
  question first before I hop into it.
• 13:21
  Drop it in the comment section. Do you think you can be happy in
• 13:24
  a narcissistic relationship? And now I said there's no
• 13:27
  embarrassing answer. I'm not just looking for
• 13:29
  somebody to say yes. And I'm just like, got your ass.
• 13:31
  I'm about to embarrass you. There's no, no, no, this is a
• 13:33
  safe space, right? I'm not judging anybody because
• 13:37
  happiness varies between people, right?
• 13:38
  Sometimes your happiness in the dark relationship, your
• 13:40
  happiness shifts, but you find what, what used to make you
• 13:43
  happy might not make you happy anymore, right?
• 13:45
  Happiness shifts, so it changes. So do you think you can be happy
• 13:49
  in a toss your relationship down at me?
• 13:52
  Not truly. Nope.
• 13:54
  No hot boy says hot boy. I lost my identity for long and
• 13:58
  my sanity to do to him. I just can't believe he threw us
• 14:01
  away and never looked back. Just down.
• 14:02
  But them throwing you away doesn't mean that like you're
• 14:06
  not worth anything, right? I think some people like
• 14:09
  understandably so. People feel it make you feel
• 14:11
  like getting thrown away means you're less valuable.
• 14:14
  You're not. You can never find your true
• 14:16
  value in a types of relationship with a narcissist, right?
• 14:20
  Some people, some some people, if you hand them a diamond the
• 14:23
  size of this, this protein shake, right, it's just a rock.
• 14:28
  It's just a shiny rock to them. They're like, oh, I got a
• 14:30
  diamond. Hey, here's a diamond.
• 14:31
  This big ass 29 carat diamond. You like what?
• 14:35
  They throw it in the trash because it means nothing to
• 14:37
  them. But guess what?
• 14:38
  Somebody else, somebody else sees them throw it in the trash.
• 14:40
  Hey, you just threw that diamond away.
• 14:42
  Oh, this is the shiny rock. Oh, shit.
• 14:44
  Could I have it? They go in there and get it.
• 14:46
  You see what I'm saying? That's because somebody throws
• 14:48
  you away does not mean that you're not worth anything.
• 14:51
  They just don't they they just don't know how to calculate your
• 14:53
  value correctly. But that's what ends up
• 14:55
  happening. And yes, yeah, I just came with
• 14:57
  the came up with that off the top of my head.
• 14:59
  Yeah, OK. I just came up with that off the
• 15:01
  top of my head. How did you, girl?
• 15:14
  I'll see. I just can't wait.
• 15:15
  On top of my head. Oh man, oh man.
• 15:24
  On top of my head, y'all? Oh my goodness.
• 15:30
  I felt happy finally as I got them out.
• 15:32
  There you go. I'm top of the Dome, man.
• 15:37
  I've been coming always back. I got a brain, the heat.
• 15:39
  I got a brain the heat. I got a brain the heat.
• 15:41
  He says there's a great analogy. Oh my goodness, y'all.
• 15:44
  But yeah, that's what ends up happening, man.
• 15:46
  Like seriously, they cannot under, they cannot determine
• 15:49
  your value of your worth. They just, you know, you might
• 15:51
  not, you're not going to be worth what you're truly worth to
• 15:53
  the wrong person now. So can you be happy?
• 15:56
  And I asked this question earlier, can you be happy?
• 15:59
  Contentment versus happiness, right?
• 16:01
  You got to go kind of decide. Can you be content first?
• 16:06
  Sorry, y'all versus can't be happy.
• 16:08
  So I'm gonna yeah, I'm keep it real with you.
• 16:11
  You might never ever be truly happy the way you dreamed of
• 16:14
  when you're with a narcissistic person, right?
• 16:16
  When you're in a touch relationship, you're in an
• 16:18
  abusive relationship, but you can somehow, some way, shape or
• 16:21
  form find a form of stability, right?
• 16:25
  Even in the chaos, you can find stability.
• 16:27
  You can find ways to do things for yourself.
• 16:29
  You can find brief moments of sunlight in the darkness, right?
• 16:34
  Because like you can find like you can find peace in your kids,
• 16:37
  with your kids, your hobbies, like you can have your own
• 16:41
  internal world. You know, that's why some people
• 16:43
  get locked up in jail. You heard the phrase before.
• 16:45
  They say you can lock up my body, but you can't lock up my
• 16:47
  mind. That's part of it, right?
• 16:49
  They get like you feel like you're trapped body wise, but
• 16:51
  your mind can explore. Your mind is free, you know, so
• 16:54
  you can have your own space within the relationship, but you
• 16:57
  have to stop looking to the narcissist, right to provide
• 17:01
  that happiness because they cannot do it.
• 17:03
  They cannot provide you the happiness.
• 17:05
  It's like trying to get. It's like trying to get water
• 17:06
  from a a rock. You see what I'm saying?
• 17:09
  They're trying to get water from a rock.
• 17:10
  You can't. You're not going to get water
• 17:12
  from a rock. You can throw it.
• 17:13
  You can cluck somebody with that damn thing, but you can't get
• 17:16
  water from a rock. That's just not how it works.
• 17:18
  You know what I mean? It really is escape is much of a
• 17:21
  happy. Yeah, you can happiness.
• 17:23
  Yeah, said you can find happiness, you can be happy if
• 17:26
  you focus on yourself and don't give it down.
• 17:28
  Yeah, that's that's part of it right there.
• 17:30
  Self focus right there. You see what I'm saying?
• 17:32
  That self focus, you have to focus on yourself in these
• 17:35
  spaces right there. You can find bits and pieces of
• 17:37
  stability. You can escape with your mind.
• 17:39
  You can find hobbies. You can start doing things
• 17:41
  right. You know, we'll leave.
• 17:43
  When I go out, they they yell at me when I stay at home and they
• 17:45
  yell at me. So go out, leave.
• 17:48
  When I stay in the house, they they're angry.
• 17:50
  When I go out, they're angry. So go out, choose the you.
• 17:54
  They going to be angry anyway. You might as well do some shit
• 17:56
  that make you happy. But I took myself to the movies
• 17:59
  and they lost their mind. But when I asked to take, when I
• 18:02
  asked them to take me to the movies, they said hell no, go to
• 18:04
  the movies go of course, use discretion because somebody I'll
• 18:09
  be having these psychos that we put in the hands on you and you
• 18:11
  got to take your life and stuff like that.
• 18:13
  So of course, you know what I'm saying in this space right here.
• 18:15
  So in order to find these brief moments of happiness and peace,
• 18:19
  sometimes y'all, you have to kind of start looking at them as
• 18:21
  roommate, right? Many people who stay in toxic
• 18:24
  relationship dynamics or who can't leave who's, who are
• 18:26
  trying to survive. They survive in there by
• 18:28
  treating the narcissist like a difficult roommate instead of a
• 18:32
  husband or a wife. You know what I'm saying?
• 18:34
  A difficult roommate, a difficult roommate like you stop
• 18:36
  being partners and start being cohabitants.
• 18:39
  And it's it's a lonely, it can be a lonely existence, but it's
• 18:42
  a survival strategy, right? It's lonely, but you survive,
• 18:49
  you know, the self love is absolutely correct.
• 18:51
  The self love is absolutely correct.
• 18:52
  You have to go right there. Happy, happy.
• 18:54
  It's coming back. It's coming back next week,
• 18:55
  April. It's coming back next week.
• 18:57
  It's going back next week because I I got to go to, I got
• 18:59
  to go to New York to be on a podcast next week.
• 19:01
  So I'll be I'll be uploading episode or two next week.
• 19:04
  So I'll be on the road. I'll be in New York City next
• 19:07
  Thursday and Friday, y'all. But yeah, shifting into that
• 19:11
  space right there. So staying with.
• 19:14
  So a lot of times, sometimes staying with a narcissist is a
• 19:16
  choice, right? But so is protecting yourself.
• 19:20
  So is protecting your happiness. So is protecting your happiness,
• 19:22
  your peace, your kids. If you stay, you like you better
• 19:26
  find a therapist, good coach, somebody to help you understand
• 19:29
  and to protect your peace in these situations, right?
• 19:31
  A support group, A hobby that has nothing to do with that
• 19:35
  narcissist. Something that's separate from
• 19:36
  them, right? Something that's separate from
• 19:38
  them. Yeah, I do all of that.
• 19:39
  I have a support group, you know, I do a coaching, you know,
• 19:42
  all the other stuff as well, right?
• 19:43
  You can find everything@mentalillness.net
• 19:46
  coaching every single thing or everything that mental health.
• 19:49
  So does that now y'all see it on the screen right there, But it's
• 19:52
  it's protecting your pizza, protecting yourself man.
• 19:54
  Like I said, everybody, this is not to bash anybody that's
• 19:58
  staying in a ties relationship. That's not what I do.
• 20:00
  I stopped telling people to leave a long time ago right?
• 20:02
  I can't because I can't be the one that tells you to leave.
• 20:06
  No one can. You have to make that decision
• 20:08
  on your own, or guess what, you'll just go back into it over
• 20:11
  and over again. Right, you just go back because
• 20:14
  I told you, somebody else told you, you know what I mean?
• 20:17
  It has to be your choice. You know, they won't allow you
• 20:20
  to have those things. Was it?
• 20:23
  They won't allow you to have those things.
• 20:25
  At least my Yeah, sometimes. That's why I say you got to find
• 20:27
  find space outside of it. Sometimes you have to hide.
• 20:29
  It's crazy. Sometimes you got to hide your
• 20:30
  hobbies, right. You have to hide your hobbies
• 20:32
  sometimes. It's Wow.
• 20:34
  Lee is a great coach. I've done a couple one on ones
• 20:36
  with you having Nicole. Nicole, I think.
• 20:37
  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think we we talked, we talked
• 20:40
  a couple times. Yeah you you still working to
• 20:43
  get get things together grateful.
• 20:45
  I'm grateful for you April, always grateful for you.
• 20:48
  Don't fold stand your ground until it's safe to exit and ours
• 20:51
  is will show everything that is not real in your life.
• 20:53
  Yep protect your pace for that protected Pete.
• 20:55
  I said pace protect your peace. But now y'all we got a couple
• 20:58
  minutes for AAQ and AQ and AQ and a drop your questions in the
• 21:02
  chat. I saw this earlier.
• 21:05
  I saved this really it says I have to I have to cut off SEX
• 21:09
  and all actual contact for over 5 months because of him.
• 21:12
  Different social media pages start talking around the women
• 21:15
  and I caught him in act again after I told him I did not want
• 21:17
  to do it. I have to cut out the
• 21:18
  relationship but now I need to heal and I'm contemplating
• 21:21
  moving to a different state to heal and I'm taking the kids
• 21:24
  with me. How do I get him to see that I
• 21:25
  am serious? I miss it will happen.
• 21:27
  So you have to be safe right here.
• 21:29
  Sometimes they don't take you serious until you actually
• 21:32
  leave, right? Until you actually leave they
• 21:34
  don't take you serious. They don't think you're going to
• 21:35
  leave. They really truly don't think
• 21:37
  you're going to leave. They always think you're going
• 21:38
  to be there or they'll have some type of access to you to punish
• 21:42
  you or to do something horrible to you, Right?
• 21:44
  They're right. That ends up happening.
• 21:46
  Like sometimes they don't actually think you're going to
• 21:48
  leave. Y'all?
• 21:49
  one-on-one. Yeah, I do one on ones.
• 21:50
  Yeah, I do my one on ones. I've still been doing them.
• 21:52
  I've been doing one-on-one. So I'm gonna, it'd be five years
• 21:55
  in a month, About a month. Y'all.
• 21:57
  It's crazy. How do you leave alive?
• 22:00
  You have to make a plan, right? You have to make a plan.
• 22:04
  I'm actually working on a digital course about leaving a
• 22:08
  narcissist. It's called it's called a
• 22:09
  pathway to peace. I'm working on it right now,
• 22:12
  literally working on it right now.
• 22:14
  Like it's called a pathway to peace.
• 22:16
  I'm working on it right now. I can give y'all because y'all
• 22:18
  here with me Where how you share screen?
• 22:22
  I'll give y'all a sneak peek of it.
• 22:25
  This is what allow allow. This is what it looks like right
• 22:29
  here. This is what I'm working on
• 22:30
  right here. I don't know if y'all see that
• 22:32
  this one working, I'll show you the first few slides say pathway
• 22:35
  to peace as you're teaching God or leaving narcissistic abuse
• 22:39
  right here. See right here.
• 22:40
  You the bird in the cage. But you have the key.
• 22:42
  You have the key to escape. You have the key to let you set
• 22:44
  yourself free. Leaving a narcissist is a
• 22:47
  journey. Every journey begins with a
• 22:49
  decision to to stay. I got to change that to stay or
• 22:51
  go. See, you made your decision.
• 22:54
  Now it's time to act. Then you get into it right here.
• 22:57
  Recognizing ownership versus love.
• 22:59
  Narcissistic abuse operates on the principle of owning you
• 23:02
  rather than loving you. You can see the subtle signs
• 23:04
  below. Compliance.
• 23:05
  Your value in a relationship is directly tied to your obedience
• 23:08
  and your usefulness control boundaries are seen to say, I
• 23:14
  correct some stuff on here. See, this is just preliminary.
• 23:17
  They want to isolation. They want to they want you alone
• 23:20
  to to stay in isolation near them.
• 23:22
  Yeah, I'll see it though. Some of this stuff is, I got to.
• 23:25
  So I transferred it over to the Google Slides, start messing up
• 23:27
  the the spelling of it, but that's coming soon, y'all.
• 23:30
  It's a digital course. I had to change my mind.
• 23:32
  So yeah, that's a part of that's a big part of, right, That
• 23:34
  changing your mindset is a huge part of it.
• 23:37
  You know what I'm saying? You have the key.
• 23:39
  Yeah. You have a bird in the cage
• 23:40
  locked up, but the key is at the bottom of the cage.
• 23:43
  You have to be willing to use it.
• 23:44
  And sometimes it makes a takes a plan to be what you'd be willing
• 23:47
  to use it. Pretty sure I was a strap.
• 23:51
  What is it mean you'll be punished by the line.
• 23:54
  Doesn't matter what you do, right or wrong up, down, left,
• 23:56
  right, It doesn't matter. You're saying Jesus, you'll be
• 23:58
  punished in the story. Yeah, I mean you'll be punished,
• 24:00
  but just like saying protecting yourself and make it coming up
• 24:03
  with a plan. Don't listen.
• 24:08
  There's a lot of questions coming in from.
• 24:10
  I'm getting questions from YouTube and Facebook at the same
• 24:12
  time. So.
• 24:15
  Oh, it's the person. Yeah.
• 24:17
  That's valuable. Great digital course.
• 24:19
  Yeah, right now it's like 30. It's like 30 something slides
• 24:22
  that'll go through and change this stuff up.
• 24:25
  Lee, I did everything but die in a relationship I would have.
• 24:27
  Oh, thank God you got out of there then.
• 24:29
  Damn, My ex narcissist of 12 years is currently in the
• 24:34
  process of rewriting history to my face as if we both didn't
• 24:37
  live it. So exhausting.
• 24:38
  Yeah, yeah, you they're going to do that because that's what
• 24:41
  that's what shame comes from, right?
• 24:43
  When you're doing that narcissist, That's where part of
• 24:44
  the shame come from. They're going to rewrite
• 24:47
  history, they're going to do a lot of different things in order
• 24:52
  to keep you stuck. You see what I'm saying?
• 24:53
  In order to be confused because they know what they did, they
• 24:56
  was like, they'll literally cheat on you, have a baby on you
• 24:59
  outside of the relationship and didn't say you.
• 25:02
  You're the one that did it. You had a baby on them, so they
• 25:06
  had one on you. That's crazy.
• 25:08
  You know, you saved my life. Yay.
• 25:10
  I always appreciate it. They do change history.
• 25:12
  Yep. As a narcissist, what is one
• 25:14
  thing you have to remember or work on a daily basis?
• 25:18
  Not there's not really. I have to work on deliver on a
• 25:21
  daily basis because I've been, I've been in 30 for nine years.
• 25:24
  So everything kind of because I've been working myself,
• 25:26
  everything kind of comes to this naturally to me now.
• 25:28
  It's just like all input in my mind, right?
• 25:30
  I think one thing when one tool, one tool that has helped me is
• 25:34
  just being able to slow myself down, right?
• 25:36
  Because most of the bad things happen when you just rush to
• 25:39
  react as opposed to responding. Your video of finding religion
• 25:45
  was so dead on. I have no contact order.
• 25:48
  So he has his church sending me stuff and I'm like, oh, hell no.
• 25:51
  Return to send it to the church. What's going on?
• 25:56
  What's going on? Name you.
• 25:59
  Six years freedom. I'm grateful I got out.
• 26:00
  Yay. Oh, yeah.
• 26:03
  I would I would get. I'm sorry, but you did this.
• 26:05
  Yeah. So if they say I'm sorry, but
• 26:07
  there's no they they. He says that if the word but
• 26:10
  comes after, I'm sorry. They are not sorry.
• 26:13
  That's that's sort of blame game come down.
• 26:14
  I'm sorry. But yeah, I understand they have
• 26:18
  no empathy. But are they hurting you on
• 26:20
  purpose or not? Some of them are absolutely
• 26:21
  hurting you on purpose. Some absolutely have the intent
• 26:24
  to hurt you. Notice, notice I said something.
• 26:25
  Not every single one of them has the intent to hurting you on
• 26:27
  purpose, but some do, right? You know, some do.
• 26:31
  Some absolutely will hurt you on purpose, and some take some get
• 26:34
  pleasure from it. The church video had me cracking
• 26:37
  up. Oh, yeah, you said, Lee, you
• 26:41
  look like my narcissist ex. I love you anyway, Always happy
• 26:45
  to help. Oh, Turkey butt.
• 26:47
  Yeah, you got a sorry. Yeah, I'm sorry.
• 26:50
  But that's not a sorry. That's just this.
• 26:51
  That's saying the word I'm sorry is not meaning that they're
• 26:55
  actually sorry though, right? It's, I'm sorry, but that's what
• 26:59
  goes on right there. To this day.
• 27:03
  He claims I made everything up and his mom backs his every
• 27:05
  word. They try to make you crazy.
• 27:06
  Yep, absolutely. They absolutely will try to make
• 27:09
  you crazy here. Yeah.
• 27:11
  And the mom, a lot of nurses have these horrible ass moms,
• 27:14
  y'all. They have these horrible, evil
• 27:17
  bastards and mothers. They just back up everything
• 27:19
  that they say. And you wonder why they never
• 27:21
  get better Mindset. One day he might forgive me so
• 27:24
  we can Co parent better. Forgive me for him cheating and
• 27:27
  moving in with a fair partner. Because I changed the locks.
• 27:30
  Yeah, you suppose Jennifer, you're supposed to.
• 27:32
  Why would you change the locks? You're supposed to let that man
• 27:36
  have his cake and eat it too. How dare you change the locks on
• 27:39
  that Good, good Christian boy. That's how goofy this should be
• 27:44
  sounding another ball. Maybe say some crazy ass stuff
• 27:46
  like that. Yes, the mom.
• 27:50
  Yeah, the moms always, they almost always have their side
• 27:54
  insane and doing ignorant ass stuff and perpetuating the
• 27:59
  terrible behaviors. That's why they don't get
• 28:01
  better. They don't get better.
• 28:02
  Mom. I cheated on my girlfriend.
• 28:05
  I got somebody else pregnant. I'm a horrible son, aren't I?
• 28:10
  No, my good baby. Will she sleep with you every
• 28:12
  night? No, just six nights a week.
• 28:15
  Well, you need it 7. So that's her fault the the 7th
• 28:19
  day. You know God rested on the 7th
• 28:21
  day, so she should have gave you some booty.
• 28:24
  That's her fault. Then go get my other grandbaby,
• 28:27
  my bastard's grandbaby that you had out of wedlock and bring
• 28:30
  them to me. You see how crazy that sounds?
• 28:38
  No contact, 4 weeks. Good for you, Greg, good for
• 28:40
  you. And am I going, am I crazy for
• 28:43
  hoping he will change for me? I'm not saying you're crazy.
• 28:46
  I'm just saying that's your, that's a lot of false hope going
• 28:48
  in there because you, you're saying change for me.
• 28:51
  That means you're you're, that means you're associating your
• 28:54
  worth or your value to whether or not he treats you better.
• 28:57
  And that doesn't help you. That just actually keeps you
• 28:59
  stuck in a cycle of being abused and used and treated horribly
• 29:03
  because you didn't do something right.
• 29:05
  You know what I'm saying? You'll always be blaming
• 29:06
  yourself. You'll always be thinking that
• 29:07
  you haven't done enough for this person to change the behavior.
• 29:10
  It has nothing to do with you. You know what I'm saying?
• 29:14
  It has nothing to do with you. You can't.
• 29:17
  You. I I don't think you can truly be
• 29:18
  happy staying in a touch relationship.
• 29:20
  I I that's what I truly don't believe.
• 29:23
  Oh, man, you were there. Oh, man, you were there.
• 29:27
  Yeah, that's what ended up happening, man.
• 29:30
  Ex husbands. Hold on.
• 29:31
  I saw some oh shit ex husbands favorite line throughout the
• 29:34
  time. I didn't mean to hurt you on
• 29:36
  purpose after all the infidelities.
• 29:42
  So could he be being truthful right there?
• 29:44
  Yes, he could be. He can actually didn't mean to
• 29:46
  hurt you because he didn't think you were going to find out.
• 29:48
  He knew that finding out would hurt you, but he didn't think
• 29:51
  that you would find out, so he didn't mean to hurt you.
• 29:53
  So how crazy that sounds? Is there a difference between a
• 29:56
  narcissist and being manic? Bipolar episode?
• 29:59
  Yeah, you can have a you can be a narcissist with bipolar,
• 30:02
  though. 15 years free, he's still doing stuff.
• 30:06
  Of course. That's where it goes right
• 30:07
  there. I need a one-on-one Yeah my one
• 30:10
  on ones. Everything y'all is at
• 30:11
  mentalillness.net. I'll put the site out there.
• 30:13
  Mental illness.net my one on ones.
• 30:16
  I think if you enter the code mental 15 or something like
• 30:19
  enter code. If you enter the code mental 15
• 30:21
  it gets you a discount. Y'all mental If you join a
• 30:24
  support group you get a a huge discount mental, I think mental
• 30:29
  15 something like that. If you join my mental health or
• 30:33
  support group I think you get like a 40% discount on
• 30:35
  one-on-one. I think it's 40 or 50% with the
• 30:38
  hill of support group. You can find it at
• 30:39
  mentalillness.net too. Or most narcs.
• 30:44
  Bipolar. I wouldn't say most I would say
• 30:46
  definitely are some though. No accountability means no real
• 30:49
  relating. Yep.
• 30:52
  Nope. Anyway y'all I got to hop off
• 30:55
  this thing. It's Saturday, I got to get
• 30:57
  these kids are here to play Roblox and all the other good
• 30:59
  stuff. Again, y'all make sure you check
• 31:01
  out. That's the goal right there,
• 31:03
  Greta, to help millions make sure y'all check out no website
• 31:07
  mentalillness.net for all things Lee Hammock.
• 31:09
  My courses, my coaching, everything else is on there due
• 31:14
  to one on one's best ever. Hey, girl, how you doing?
• 31:16
  How you doing? Good.
• 31:17
  See, yay. See she was in a relationship,
• 31:22
  but that's what I'm gonna tell. I appreciate you.
• 31:23
  I always appreciate you, Sharon. Good to see you doing good
• 31:25
  though. I'm happy for you.
• 31:27
  See, I'm happy. I really am happy for you.
• 31:29
  See this is a real genuine. This is a genuine smile for
• 31:31
  helping for you doing good. Yay.
• 31:33
  I love it. I do love it.
• 31:34
  I do love it. So grateful, yay.
• 31:39
  But anyway, y'all, I got to hop off this thing.
• 31:41
  These kids, they y'all see the TV right here.
• 31:44
  This is the game room and all the stuff down here.
• 31:47
  My daughter got a Fort right here.
• 31:48
  She's building a Fort. They want to get back in here
• 31:50
  and whatnot. I'm out of my office.
• 31:52
  So y'all be blessed. Thank y'all.
• 31:54
  We're tuning in. I appreciate y'all mental
• 31:56
  illness.net for everything Lee Hammock and we will chat later
• 31:58
  y'all peace.